Retired at 35 (2011) s01e02 Episode Script

Come on.
David, is that all you have got? Move those little bird legs.
You know one of the great things about the morning walk? Breathing clean, fresh air.
Yes, I love fresh air.
You know where I can get some? One of the many benefits of your mom leaving me is morning smoke.
You wanna see another benefit? Really, dad? No ashtray? Ashtrays are for wives, David.
Stop wifing me.
What time is it? Uh, 8:30.
Wrong.
It's scotch time.
Well, that's good, Because, you know, scotch is just filled with electrolytes.
What's that? Orange juice? What is that orange juice doing in there? Here's to you, david.
It took guts to quit your job And come move down here.
You're a renegade just like me.
To renegades.
To renegades.
Oh, that is too bad.
So Okay.
Had my morning smoke, a little drink.
Now it's time to meet a woman.
What? No, no, whoa, whoa, wait, dad.
Mom's been gone to Portugal for what, like, two weeks? Are you sure you're ready for a relationship? Goodness, no.
I just want to have a fun.
I want to hit it and stop it.
I think you mean hit it and quit it, dad? Yeah, that's what I want to do.
And you're gonna help me.
Be my wingman.
It's wing man, dad.
No, irving wingman.
He used to live here.
Amazing with the ladies.
Retired At 35 - 1x02 Hit It and Quit It Hey, man.
Sorry I'm late.
I had to walk here.
My breakfast put me over the legal limit.
You know, since my mom's gone, my dad is just out of control.
He's smoking cigars, he's drinking scotch in the morning.
Hello.
Dream dad.
But now he wants me to help him find a woman, And he wants me to be his wingman.
Tall order.
Irving was a legend.
- Hello, david.
- Oh, hey mom.
It's so good to see you.
How's Portugal? Best thing I ever did.
I love it here.
How's it going there? Good.
Good.
Really good.
Yeah, too good really.
Yeah, dad's good, and Uh-oh.
What's going on? He's killing me, mom.
We're--we're drinking, smoking.
We're walking, eating oatmeal.
It's like I'm on a high-fiber spring break.
I wish I could help, but he's your problem now.
Mom, can you hold on just a second? Mom? Hello, David.
You're back.
Give me a hug.
Have you been drinking? Dad made me.
Um, what is going on, mom? Where are you staying? Wha--? I've been back for a few days, And I'm staying at mimi kroft's place While she's on vacation in Rio.
Face lift.
Okay, well, good.
Well, good.
Well, the important thing is that you're back And all this craziness can end And you and dad can get back together.
Oh, oh, no, no, David.
I'm not even gonna tell your dad I'm here.
Well, what--why? Because I don't want your father To think Portugal was a total failure And I couldn't handle it over there And I came running back with my tail between my legs.
- Well, what happened? - What I just said.
Portugal was an over correction.
I didn't need to go to some foreign land To get away from your dad.
But mom, mom, he needs you.
You know, and I need you to need him, So he stops needing me.
I'm just not ready to face him yet.
Not a word to your father, david.
Promise me? Really, mom? It's, uh You'll be fine.
I'll see you soon, sweetie.
And don't drink in the morning.
It leaves you nowhere to go later when you really need it.
You're gonna tell your dad she's back, right? No, I promised her I wouldn't.
Dude, you're putting the ho before the bro.
Dude, that's my mom.
Look at the bright side.
At least the girl you're in love with Didn't just walk in here with her mom who you also slept with.
Oh, wait, yes, she did.
- Hey, guys.
- Jessica, hi.
Look at you.
It's the two of you.
Two of you here together at the same time.
Hello, hi.
This is my mom.
You've met, right? Yes, we've met once or twice.
Uh, once.
We met once.
Just the one time.
Oh, no, wait, twice.
Okay, I got to get to work.
Listen, um, we're cool, right? Oh, David, of course we're cool.
What happened, happened.
And happened.
Okay.
Uh, oh, look, you know what? There comes my dad right there, So, listen, uh, we will do it again, and--no, we won't.
We'll talk again and speak and--we'll be--we'll hang out.
-Richard-- -shh, shh, shh.
Your dad is on fire, baby.
He found his hit it and quit it.
What? They met on the strolling path.
She's a big bird lover, And suddenly so is your dad.
Watch and learn, boys.
Good for your dad.
Bad for your mom and dad, but good for your dad.
Good for all three of them if your mom decides to play ball.
Yeah, you got to help me stop this.
Come on.
Hey, dad.
David, hi.
Uh, this is my son and his buddy, Brandon.
Meet ginny.
- Well, hello.
- Very nice to meet you.
My, such a handsome young man.
Like his father.
So your father sure knows his birds.
Boy, does he ever.
Does he ever.
Remember the other day, dad, when you hit one with your car? - What? - What? Yeah, yeah, you don't remember? You said, "watch this, boy," And then you just swerved and hit it.
You were so proud you hit a skylark with a skylark.
I did not.
Well, this is just horrible.
They shouldn't call it the strolling path.
They should call it the trolling path.
Hey, hey, hey, ginny, wait.
Wait.
My son drinks in the morning.
What the hell was that? - What was what? - That bird business.
I never hit any bird.
Oh, didn't you? Really? Oh, you know what? It may It was an internet thing.
- It was very funny, though.
- World wide web.
Irving wingman wouldn't even look at you right now.
Okay, man, we dodged a bullet.
Good.
No one turns off a woman like I do.
- Susan, right? - Yes.
- You remember me? - Of course I do.
Hello, Alan.
How are you? Well, I'm fine, I guess.
Kids are really frustrating, aren't they? Well, yours isn't so bad.
What happened? Well, I met this perfectly nice lady On the strolling path, and then he scared her away.
Well, maybe he's not ready for you to date yet.
Well, it was his idea.
Yes, but your wife did run off to Portugal, didn't she? I mean, everyone's talking about it.
Yeah? Yes, and right now, You're the juiciest bunch of grapes on the vine.
Well, I'm just trying to meet new people.
Well, I love the strolling path.
Would you like to take a stroll? Absolutely.
Dad, where you going? A little place called none of your business.
No, no, no, no.
No, no, listen, dad.
You've said enough.
Uh, he--he--he hit a bird with his car.
Good.
They crap all over my golf cart.
Okay, so my dad and Susan Aren't on the strolling path.
Maybe they just took a walk and then that was it.
Or maybe they hit it off And she's gonna be your step-mom.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Was that giggling? Did that sound like susan to you? I mean, you know her noises better than I do.
Dad, was that giggling I heard in there? Yep.
Oh, geez, dad.
Yep.
No, dad, this is very, very bad.
There is something I've got to tell you.
And there's something I got to tell you.
Oh, hi, honey.
Your mom's back.
Mom, this is great.
How did this happen? Well, I went back to the strolling path, Where, by the way, I am two for two, if you're keeping count.
Okay, I'm so not, but go ahead.
And I saw him there with susan, Who's a lovely woman, by the way.
She really likes you.
And she left so your dad and I could chat, And we started talking about why I left And how happy we are that you were down here, And then, well The orthopedic socks started flying.
Well, great.
You know what? That's great.
Big--hey, big exhale of relief from your boy over here.
So the important thing is You guys are gonna get back together, right? Oh, god, no.
Your mother agreed to hit it and quit it.
It's a lovely concept.
No.
No, it's not.
It's one that groupies and rock stars do, not my parents.
You know, it was the routine of living together All those years that was the problem.
You can only tell a man to a pick up his underwear So many times before he tunes you out.
- Isn't that right, Alan? - I'm sorry, what? Now, I'm going to get dressed And go back to my own place and take a nap.
And I'm gonna finish my cigar, bye.
See ya.
Please, allow me.
Boy, I'll tell you.
Mom was right.
When you start drinking too early in the day, It leaves you no place to go later When you really need it.
Hey, dad, what's happening? What you doing? Uh, I was reading.
Now I'm talking.
Okay, well, as long as we're talking, I was just sort of wondering, have you called mom today? No, it's not called hit it and call it.
I know, dad, But the hit it and quit it is--is dangerous.
You know, feelings come into play.
I don't have any feelings except I'm missing my book.
Yeah, dad, I know, but mom might, So could you just give her a call? You know, just a little call.
Just a little phone call.
Look, I'm holding the phone right here.
Just a little call is all.
Just--you know what? - A little check in.
- David, I can't lead her on.
This is not so easy to just quit.
Dad.
Fine.
Give me the phone.
God forbid I relax and read about the six day war.
Voice mail.
Hi, Elaine.
It's me, Alan.
I'm saying hi.
Hi.
Happy? Uh, it could have been a little warmer.
For someone who doesn't pay rent, You sure make a lot of demands.
You have zero messages.
You have zero messages.
You have zero messages.
Machine.
Hi, Elaine.
Uh, I called you and then you didn't call back, So I was--I was just making sure that you got the message.
Anyway, I called, and It's me, Alan.
Alan, your sort of husband.
- Who was that? - Who was what? - On the phone.
- Uh, wrong number.
Well, who were you trying to call? No, that was a wrong number.
- I didn't hear the phone ring.
- What are you, a cop? Hello? Dad, it was the microwave.
Well, answer it.
Your burrito's ready.
She hit me and quit me, boy.
Hi, sweetie.
Welcome to my new place.
Thanks, mom, hi.
Oh, wow, it's nice, it's nice.
Look at you.
You're all set up and everything.
A lot of nice stuff.
You got a nice couch and a nice fireplace and, Oh, look, a nice phone.
Call dad.
Come on, mom.
Just a little phone call.
Just a little phone call is all.
Just a little call.
That's all.
Truth be told, Did find it nice that he called, But I feel like we should adhere To the rules of hit it and quit it.
Is there a rule book somewhere I don't know about? No, it's all implied.
Have you not had any one-night stands? I did not come here to talk about that with my mother.
That's a no.
You guys have been married for 37 years.
Will you just call him back? David, a call will lead to seeing each other, Which will lead to things going back To exactly the way they were.
I don't want to fall back Into that same, unhappy pattern with your dad.
It was hard to leave once.
I'm not doing it again.
- He misses you.
- Oh, no, he doesn't.
He's been checking the machine like a teenager.
Shut up.
He's hurting.
Will you call him? You know, I'll come by.
Hearing him pining away is one thing, But seeing it with my own eyes, That's worth a trip to the beauty shop.
Hey, dad.
Listen, I got great news.
Hello, son.
Get lost.
I have a date.
What? With who? Richard set me up with a slump buster.
A slump buster? It's exactly the way it sounds.
He name is rita palandino.
Apparently she's a good sport.
Go out the back.
If this condo starts rockin', don't come a-knockin'.
Elaine.
Hello, Alan.
What are you doing here? I'm returning your call in person.
Oh, champagne.
David must have told you I was coming.
Mom, well, look at that.
You came by.
Well, that was very nice of you.
Hey, dad, look, it's mom.
Mom came by.
And, uh, you know what? Mom has to go now, so bye, mom.
Honey, you're acting strange even for you.
Well, get the door.
Uh, door? What door? What is wrong with you people? Elaine? You remember my niece.
Uh, nurse, uh, niece.
Get in here.
Hello, Elaine.
Richard.
Hi, Elaine.
Rita.
Hi, I'm David.
I'm the son of this mess.
Way past intros, David.
Rita Palandino? The slump buster? You didn't call me back.
Rita Palandino, Alan, really? I'll take my chances.
Go ahead.
Take your chances.
You've lost yours with me.
- Good.
- Fine.
I was fine until he made me call you.
- He made you call? - Yes.
Well, yeah, mom, 'cause I was worried about you After the one night gross you guys had.
You didn't call me back.
I didn't call because it was nice to feel wanted by you, To be desired and paid attention to.
I haven't felt that from you in years.
I'm sorry about that.
Okay, so now, finally, Are you guys gonna get back together? - I don't know.
- Me either.
- I have no clue.
- Me either.
- It's all new to me.
- Me too.
But look at you.
Look at the way you finish each other's sentences.
Look how upset you were when she didn't call you back, And look how you didn't want him to know that you were back.
Look at all of it.
Can't you see? This is who you are.
You're mom and dad.
We are, but we're not alan and elaine anymore.
We're alan and elaine.
I'm glad you stopped by.
Me too.
I'll see you on the strolling path? Until the strolling path.
Got to hand it to you, David.
You make one hell of a wingman.
Thanks, dad.
Where are you going? To get Rita.
I'm not leaving you here alone with that whore.