Retrograde (2020) s01e02 Episode Script

1
Singapore just close
our Austra-Asia branch.
They're spooked about corona.
We've still got a career, right?
Morrison's announced a lockdown.
(SCREAMS)
Why don't you just ask
if you can stay with Rob?
He's just so, like, consistent.
So, not like Dylan?
So what are you saying, Mads?
I think we should move in together.
I'm in. If you're really in.
Who's Rob? (LAUGHS)
Dylan?
You'll be OK, kid.
(ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC PLAYS)
(QUIETLY) Sorry, everyone.
Maya just needs her, um
Oh, yeah.
(ALL SIGH, PANT)
You guys look great, by the way.
Bye.
(LAUGHS)
OK. OK. From the top.
Right now, now
Now
Right now
Soon the earth
may dissolve like smoke
We'll meet again in the air
All bound to glow
Now
Now
Right now
Now
Right ♪
(GAGS)
(SIGHS)
(CAMERA CLICKS)
OK.
Dude!
I know. I know. I know.
(GAGS)
Are you baking?
Dying. I'm dying.
Why did we get so drunk last night?
OK, number one rule
in the pandemic - did we forget?
It is don't drink and sext.
I wasn't sexting, OK?
I was genuinely concerned.
London is a hotspot.
Yeah, OK, what are you doing?
I'm making hand sanitiser.
(GIGGLING)
Ohh! Maya downloaded this game
on my computer and
Soph, I know, I know she's a child,
but she was on my computer.
What? No. She's cancelled.
Yeah. I don't want her to see
my pictures. Or her dad's.
Oh, yeah, I wonder
if she'd recognise his dick!
Shhh!
And don't get me started on Pawpaw.
She takes him everywhere.
He's a walking vector.
COVID, SARS, syphilis -
it's got it all.
I'm disinfecting it
while she's at her mum's.
Why did I send those messages?
Well, look, don't worry. People are
doing weird shit during COVID.
2am Maddie is a nightmare.
2am Maddie is the best!
Oh, Mads, don't stress. You're fine.
Really?
Say you've been hacked.
It works every time.
Yeah, yeah.
It worked for Centrelink.
Mmm. E-crime is on the rise
during COVID.
"E-crime"?
Yes, we'd better get the e-police
onto it.
"In a global pandemic,
e-crimes are especially heinous."
Pandemic, shmandemic.
It is just a flu
OK, if you say
it is just a flu, Is,
I swear to God, you know what, I'm
gonna e-crime the fuck out of you.
Guys, he's been online
and he hasn't replied.
He's an actual psychopath.
Yeah, he's the crazy one. (SIGHS)
You were hacked.
The least he can do is reply.
Yeah, but she wasn't hacked.
Look, I get it!
He's fun, fucked up, hot
AND he cooks.
I mean, he's the rarest Pokemon
of them all.
This isn't helping, OK?
Guys, what if he died?
What? London is a hot mess
right now.
OK. Let's do our iso lists.
Yes! Yes. Thank you, Isabel!
(SOPHIE GROANS)
The list.
What list?
The other night, they made a list
of all the things they were gonna
achieve during lockdown.
(GROANS)
Well, we can't just get drunk
every night.
Oh, we can, and we will!
OK, I made the sanitiser today,
so, tick.
I ordered my coffee machine
yesterday.
I haven't done
the Deepak Chopra meditation,
but I did sort the Pawpaw sitch.
What the fuck?
Don't ask.
God, healthy people's obsession
with productivity during lockdown
is so amateur.
Maybe I'll buy an Apple Watch.
Oh, my God, get back to me when you
have been in bed for three months
and you have finished
Candy Crush - twice.
"OnlyFans". Is
Oh. Maybe I'll buy a fan.
Hey, no, that's not
what OnlyFans is.
Well, I'm gonna make a list too.
Yes!
Of all the things I'm missing out on
in lockdown.
Oh! We had Patti Smith coming up!
Top of the list.
And tonight, I should be
grinding on strangers at poof doof,
touching randos indiscriminately
and licking doorknobs.
Victor Hugo wrote Les Mis
during the plague.
I mean, the least I can do
is get abs.
Or an ab.
Or an ab roller.
Buying things online isn't the same
as writing a revolutionary classic
that will be turned into a musical
and then later slaughtered
by Hollywood actors
who want to win an Oscar, OK?
Alright, well, Victor Hugo
wasn't a single parent
with a three-year-old that woke him
up at 5am every morning, OK?
OK.
Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no. Fuck.
You alright there,
little boy from The Secret Garden?
Um, Trump just said that
hydroxychloroquine can cure COVID.
Hydroxychloro-queen!
Which season is she on again?
Um, yeah, it's just
it's one of my medications,
so, um, yeah, I'd better go
before it sells out.
OK.
Ohh!
Le Creuset is having a sale.
Oh, I miss my threading lady.
Guys, why did I send Dylan
those messages?
When did we become so boring?!
(GROANS)
You know who isn't boring?
2am Maddie.
Close. 20-something Maddie.
My favourite edition.
Yeah. Peak Maddie.
So you 'you up?'d Dylan online
a couple of times.
Would 20-something Maddie even care?
Yeah, five messages, shoot me.
Four times if you don't come emojis.
Let's have some fun tonight!
Take your mind off it all.
You only get to die
in a pandemic once.
I mean, I guess it's been a while
since we've had a blow-out.
Years.
(SIGHS)
And, you know, Sophie's right.
COVID is way more stressful
than we give it credit for.
I think a big night
could be medicinal.
Therapeutic.
What's happening?
MADDIE AND RAMSAY: Submarine?
Lockdown submarine!
(PLAYS AIR HORN SOUND)
(LAUGHS) Really?
I mean, why not?
I guess my parents can
look after Arlo tonight.
Hey! Whoop-whoop!
ALL: Submarine!
SONG: I shoulda done X with you
We coulda left this club at two
I coulda shut my mouth
and ran with you
We'd have woken up
with a different view ♪
Hola!
Ooh!
Noice.
Hola, mi amores!
(LAUGHS) Hey!
What are you guys up to?
ALL: Submarine!
Cool! What's a submarine?
I told you about these. It's when
we block out all the light and
Take all the drugs and everyone
has to guess what time it is
before we check if the sun is up.
And whoever's closest
wins what dignity is left.
Let the best man win.
Everyday sexism! Whoo!
Hey, you have to do it with us.
Yes!
Yeah!
Sorry, guys. Can't have a big one.
It's Tuesday.
Damn.
Oh, I've got a mediation at 8am.
Grow up!
Let the Hunger Games begin.
Shit!
What?
I don't have any drugs.
Ah.
Me neither.
Do you know any dealers in Brisbane?
Are you telling me that for
two years you've been living there,
you haven't done anything?
Yeah. I mean no.
I mean, you know, like, I only knew
work people when I moved up here.
Oh. Dylan was always your hook-up.
What? I'm just saying he'd know
a dealer in Brisneyland for sure.
I'm not gonna find any drugs
in butt-fuck Bendigo.
Not true. Regional Victoria
is full of ice.
Oh.
Where do you get ice from?
Train station?
Oh OK, you know what?
I can't I can't ask Dylan.
Dude, I was joking.
I know.
(GASPS) Oh, shit! My parents!
They have hash cookies. Yes!
MADDIE AND RAMSAY: Really?
Wish my parents were old hippies.
No, you don't.
Then you'd have to become
a bloodsucking lawyer to rebel.
I heard that!
So, are dealers delivering still?
Yep. Reuban, my guy,
is all about it.
Two weeks ago, he transitioned
to contact-free delivery.
Gloves, the whole thing.
I need a Reuban. Where's my Reuban?
In London,
leaving your arse on read.
WOMAN: Isabel, what are you doing
OK, we need to turn our phones off
and disable the time.
Why? I mean, that's part of
the whole appeal, right?
They're my cookies! Come back here!
I'm just taking one!
And our computers. I don't remember
this being so much work.
You can't take whatever you want!
You're not the boss of me!
(SNORTS)
(LAUGHS) Success!
Whoa. OK. Change of pace.
Submarine!
Yeah, it escalated very quickly.
Did you find your hydro-euro-queen,
or whatever it is?
Yeah, no, I tried six pharmacies
and they're all out.
What happens if you don't find any?
Uh, I don't know.
Babe, do you want some DMT?
I can send Reuban your way.
No, I've got some Endone.
Oh, he doesn't happen to have
any spare malaria drugs, does he?
Sorry, boo.
Does sick internet have any spare?
No, out.
What's sick internet?
It's the dark web for sick people.
Hey, does sick internet
have any MDMA?
Uh, no. I can probably get you
some ketamine.
But, you know,
mainly we just talk shit
about healthy people's
obsession with productivity.
Oh, yeah. Hey. I just wanted
to check if you've got, um
Rob might have some codeine,
actually. Hold on.
Gah! Codeine?!
What's the point in dating
a boring rich guy
if he doesn't even have drugs?
Have you seen his pool?
Ugh! This submarine is
sinking already.
How's your mama?
How's your divorce?
(GROANS)
What's it like isolating alone?
Great. I almost asked the mailman
to move in with me this morning.
Well, I signed up
to Bumble, Hinge and OkCupid.
OkCupid? Do you want to date
someone in 2010?
(BOTH LAUGH)
I mean, Marco hasn't even tried
to FaceTime Arlo since lockdown.
Well, Mum's finished chemo,
but she's not out of the woods yet.
Bam-bam-ba! Brrr-ba-ba! ♪
Uh, darling, that cough syrup's
not gonna do anything for you.
Oh, no! This is the worst episode
of MasterChef ever!
Yeah, nah, but nutmeg,
I think you could snort it.
Mmm, if you're a 10-year-old
on TikTok!
Fuck it. Vodka it is, then.
(GIGGLING)
Oh, shit!
This stupid game! Oh, Maya!
(LAUGHS) Maybe you could smoke
some oregan
You're not meant to wear
your scrubs outside.
There she blows!
(SNORTS)
We thought you'd aborted
the submarine.
Uh, no, Rob had to reboot because
Maya put a virus on my computer.
Ow! Coronavirus!
Yeah, that is happening.
Did you get your drugs?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I had Endone. I feel great.
No, I mean the hydro-Trump drops.
Oh, God, yeah. Doris from Adelaide,
she's sending me a pack.
Oh! Sick internet for the win!
Oh, she charged me
three times the PBS,
so, yeah, sick people are not immune
to price-gouging.
What's up with Isabel?
Huh? Oh, yeah.
Turns out hash cookies
are not a good idea
when you've been mainlining
news about a pandemic.
Ah. A corona hole.
Yep. Truth hurts.
Is?
Isabel?
Hey, Mads.
Hey. You OK, mate?
Yeah, OK. I mean
..are any of us OK?
I feel great.
I feel very good.
I cannot believe I'm the only one
that's not high.
Do you guys know what's happening
in New York right now?
Oh, wow.
It's all it's really
Really fucked.
Yeah, really, really fucked up.
We're just sitting ducks and
there's a tidal wave about to come
and we just
like, we need to brace.
We're Oceanic ducks! Quack!
Y-yeah. OK.
(RAMSAY QUACKS)
Is That's not helping.
But, Is, I need you to look at me.
Into my eyes. Look into my eyes.
Mm-hm.
No more corona talk! OK?
But what kind of friends don't talk
about what we want to talk about?
And what kind of an apple
isn't an apple?
OK, guys, we're in the submarine.
(LAUGHS)
No more talk about corona.
No more talk about Dylan.
We're a very fun,
not depressing at all submarine.
Yeah, yeah, no-one mentioned Dylan.
I wonder what time it is.
7:41!
Rams!
For fuck's sake,
you just ruined the submarine.
(CHORTLES)
He is so high! We're all so high!
I think we're all gonna die.
Our bodies are just vessels for
our souls. Our souls are forever.
Arlo. He's so young.
And my parents.
I know, babe.
Mum?!
No. Stop it. Stop it
Mum?!
Both of you stop it.
Mum!
Time out. Stop.
(SCREAMS)
Stop it!
WOMAN: What's up, chickadee?
Oh, hi, Isobel's mum.
Hi, Marlena.
Oh! Hello, gang!
We've got a situation.
Yeah, she, um, ingested too much
news before she got baked.
Got it.
How many did you eat?
(SOFTLY) Mummy, are we washing
our fruit with soap?
Wait, is that what we're doing now?
Yep!
Me viene da vomitare.
OK. Night's over.
Isabel, say goodbye to your friends.
There's a big wave a-coming.
Something's got to change.
When did things get so complicated?
You know what?
I think that you're remembering
the past as better than what it was.
The systems of distribution
are changing!
You know, they're morphing.
The systems, the systems are
..crumbling!
Uh-uh. It WAS better.
It was easier, it was funner.
20-something Maddie was fun.
This Maddie is disinfecting bears
and writing lists.
I am very sorry
that Dylan didn't respond.
You know what? He's a shit dude.
The curtain has fallen!
Here we go!
Look who the essential workers are!
Not the CEOs, the economists,
the bankers!
It's the
it's the Uber Eats drivers.
And the nurses, the checkout chicks,
the stock boys.
Stock boys boys Boys!
Boys
Focus, Rams, focus.
The women! The women, the women,
the women, the women!
The women who get paid fuck-all
to clean my mum's hospital room
even though she calls them cunts!
Because apparently cancer doesn't
make you a good person, you know?
Not like in the movies. You know?
All the morning teas,
all the daffodils
..daffodil tea
..ee ee
..tea
..daffodil me.
Modafinil! Ha!
You! Modafinil we!
Modafinil three! Modafinil see
(BOTH GASP)
Rams!
Rams, are you OK?
OK. Comrade Ramsay?
I'm alive!
Oh, hello, friend.
Ooh. What's going on down there?
(LAUGHS) My door snake
is groping me.
Should he go to the hospital?
What? No! That is the worst place
he could be right now.
Oh, yeah.
Uh, how are you travelling, Rams?
Um, my ankle looks weird.
I think.
What did my ankle look like before?
Don't get up!
Don't get up. Um, OK.
Have you got your phone? Just, um,
take a photo, send it through.
Mm-hm.
(CAMERA CLICKS)
It's it's gonna be fine.
Or not.
Whew! OK. He's gonna have to go
to the hospital.
OK, no, can you just pop it back in?
Sophie!
Oh, Maddie! Don't worry.
OK, Rams, it's it's gonna hurt,
but what you need to do
is just grab your ankle and then
just hold it really tight
No, Rams, I'm gonna need you
to go to the hospital, OK?
For us? Can you do that?
(GROANS) Can I bring
Can I bring Snakey?
Ssss-sissy that walk!
Sure.
(LAUGHS)
Yeah.
Why not?
Alright, I'm calling you an Uber
and I want you to call me
when you get to Emergency.
Yeah. Mmm.
Bye-bye.
Bye, beautiful. Love you.
Bye, guyssss
(CHUCKLES) Shit!
Ohhh! Rams is right, though.
What? Capitalism's crumbling?
No, everything HAS changed.
(SIGHS) Maybe I just
don't want it to.
OK, I think you need to tell Rob.
What?
How you're feeling.
Well, I don't know how I'm feeling.
Hmm, OK, so, Dylan, he comes back,
he says, "I love you,"
and what would you say?
You know, I think
the problem with tonight is
that we're all in different places.
No, our problem with tonight is that
we're all on different drugs.
Are you smoking inside Rob's house?
(SCOFFS)
Submarines used to be so fun.
Is is that smoke?
Soph, I know you hate the smoking.
I hate the smoking.
But sometimes I just want
to smoke, OK?
(FLAMES ROAR)
Fuck!
(GASPS) OK, water!
Shit!
No, that's vod ka!
Arggh!
(SMOKE ALARM BEEPS)
Shit, shit, shit!
(GASPS)
OK, OK, do you need me
to call Triple 0?
No, no, no! I've got this!
I've got this!
(GROANS, PANTS)
Oh!
I killed Pawpaw!
(RESETS SMOKE ALARM)
Oh, OK, um, I'll
I'll check on Ramsay. Bye.
Are you OK?
Yeah, I, um
..I did a very
..I did a very, very bad thing.
Like, a really, really bad thing.
Why? What did you do?
Wow. You really did a number
on him, huh?
I'm so sorry. I'm such a fuck-up.
I'm really I fucked up so badly.
I'm a terrible fucking person.
You're fine. We're fine.
Pawpaw, on the other hand
not so much.
Well, what are we gonna tell Maya?
Nothing.
(GASPS) Pawpaw!
Always have a backup.
(LAUGHS) The best!
(GASPS) You!
Oh, thank you!
Aww!
(LAUGHS)
I'm going to bed. Are you coming?
Uh, yeah!
Motherfucker.
Mmm! I name
thee Snack.
Snack! (LAUGHS)
Oh, shh.
Someone's watching.
(CACKLES)
Oh, you went there!
You're such a bad bitch! What is
your Medicare number, by the way?