Revolting Rhymes (2016) s01e02 Episode Script
Part 2
(VOICE ON RADIO) (RADIO FALLS SILENT) Mum I don't want you to go.
Oh, sweetie, you love Miss Hunt.
Ugh, he's such a baby.
- Don't be silly.
- I'm not a baby! - Yes.
Yes, you are.
- No, I'm not! - You are a baby.
Guys, no fighting.
- No, I'm not! Guys - (DOORBELL RINGS) - Hi, there! - Hi.
- It's you already.
- I'm still waiting for the baby-sitter.
- Mum Don't worry, I can look after him.
(SHE SIGHS) I guess she should be here any minute.
Ugh, Mum All right.
You can read him a story.
Don't open the door for anyone but Miss Hunt.
OK? - Love you! - Bye, Mum! Bye, Mum.
(SHE GIGGLES) - (DOORBELL RINGS) - Ugh Miss Hunt? Yes.
(SHE GASPS) It's a giant wolf.
A giant, hungry wolf.
Can you show me the kitchen, little boy? Haven't you had any dinner yet? - That's strange.
- I thought I'd have a bite here.
What do you like most? Mmm, I think I like - you.
- (BOY GIGGLES) And I like you! (CHOPPING) What are you doing? I'm preparing the vegetables.
I'm cutting onions, cooking potatoes.
And then I'm going to eat you up! - (SHE GASPS) - (HE GIGGLES) But it's story time.
Yes! Story time! (TICKING) All right, story time.
Let me tell you a story about No.
Not just one story.
Two kids, two stories.
That's story time.
Yeah, two stories.
Today, it's Jack And The Beanstalk, and Well, you can't tell Jack's story without Cinderella's.
Cinderella? Oh, she always wants to hear it all the time! Cindy loses her shoe and instead she gets the Prince.
Aha! You think you know these stories.
You don't.
The real ones are much more gory.
The phoney ones the ones you know were cooked up years and years ago And made to sound all soft and sappy Just to keep the children happy.
Cinderella! For instance, did you know that Jack and Cindy were neighbours? Ugh Cindy? (HE SIGHS) The Ugly Sisters, fat and tall, Were hellbent for the Palace Ball.
(THEY SIGH) Hmph.
Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah! Oh Huh? - Oh, have that.
- Oh.
(THEY BELCH) Oh Mmm.
Huh? Where's the jam? Cinderella! Get her.
Huh? (HE SIGHS) (SHE SNIFFS) Hmm - "Get her, get her.
" - Huh? - (DOOR CREAKS) - Ugh - Cindy! - Ah! Oh, Cindy.
(THEY GROWL) No jam for Cindy! (BANG!) Ah! Ow! Oof.
(THEY CACKLE) Jack! You creep.
- We're stony broke! - (COW MOOS) Go out and find some wealthy bloke Who'll buy our cow.
Just say she's sound And worth at least £100.
But don't you dare to let him know That she's as old as billy-o.
(COW MOOS) (HE GASPS) Welcome.
Huh? Jack gave the old brown cow away, And came back later in the day.
Oh! When he produced one lousy bean, His startled mother, turning green, Leaped high up in the air and cried I'm absolutely stupefied! You crazy boy! Do you really mean You sold our Daisy for a bean? - She snatched the bean.
She yelled - You chump! And flung it on the rubbish dump.
Then summoning up all her power, She beat the boy for half an hour, Using and nothing could be meaner Hmm.
Erm The handle of a vacuum cleaner.
(HE LAUGHS) The Ugly Sisters, jewels and all, Departed for the Palace Ball.
(THEY CHEER) Help! Oh, help! Please! Hmm? Let me out! The Magic Fairy heard her shout.
(CINDERELLA SOBS) Appearing in a blaze of light, - She said - My dear, are you all right? All right? All right?! Why, can't you see I feel as rotten as can be?! She beat her fist against the wall - And shouted - Get me to the Ball! Hmm.
There is a disco at the Palace.
The rest have gone and I am jealous! I want a dress, I want a coach.
And earrings and a diamond brooch.
And silver slippers, two of those, And lovely nylon panty hose.
Done up like that I'll guarantee The handsome Prince will fall for me.
- The fairy said - Hang on a tick.
She gave her wand a mighty flick.
And keep in mind you'll lose your frock If you're not home by 12 o'clock.
(CROWD GASPS) - (CAMERAS CLICK) - Hello.
(SNORING) A piece of advice the love of your life could be right under your nose, you just don't know it cos you're not smelling hard enough.
Ooh! It made the Ugly Sister wince To see her dancing with the Prince.
(THEY GASP) She held him very tight and pressed Herself against his manly chest.
(SNORING) (DISTANT MUSIC) At 10pm or thereabout, The little bean began to sprout.
The Prince himself was turned to pulp.
All he could do was gasp and gulp.
(LATIN MUSIC PLAYS) (SHE SNORES) Then midnight struck.
- (BONG!) - Oh, no! Oh, heck! I've got to run to save my neck! - The Prince cried - No! Alas! Alack! He grabbed her dress to hold her back.
- As Cindy shouted - Let me go! The dress was ripped from head to toe.
(CROWD GASPS) She ran out in her underwear, And lost one slipper on the stair.
The Prince was on it like a dart, He pressed it to his pounding heart.
- The girl this slipper fits - He cried.
Tomorrow morn shall be my bride! (CROWD GASPS) Then, rather carelessly, I fear, He placed it on a keg of beer.
At once, one of the Ugly Sisters, The one whose face was blotched with blisters Sneaked up and grabbed the dainty shoe, And quickly flushed it down the loo.
Then in its place she calmly put The slipper from her own right foot.
That's not fair.
Aha, you see, the plot grows thicker, And Cindy's luck starts looking sicker.
- (DOOR SLAMS) - Mum! Mum! Muuuuuu! Mum, admit it now.
It's better than a rotten cow! You little creep, you lunatic! Where are the beans that I can pick? There's not one bean! It's bare as bare! No, Mother, look up there! Look very high and you'll behold Each single leaf is solid gold! (SHE GASPS) By gollikins, my sainted souls, I'll sell the Mini, buy a Rolls! Don't stand and gape, you little clot! Get up there quick and grab the lot! Jack was nimble.
Jack was keen.
He scrambled up the mighty bean.
(HE GROANS) Up, up he went without a stop, But just as he was near the top, A ghastly, frightening thing occurred Not far above his head he heard A big, deep voice, a rumbling thing That made the very heavens ring.
(GROWLING) Fee, fi, fo, fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman! (HE SNIFFS) (HE GROWLS) Aaaaaaaaah! Oh, Mumsy, dear, believe you me, There's something nasty up our tree! I saw him, Mum, my gizzard froze! A giant with a clever nose! (BAND PLAYS EXUBERANTLY) Meanwhile, in town, the tension grew.
- Who was the owner of the shoe? - (WHISTLE) The shoe was long and very wide.
- A normal foot got lost inside.
- (WHISTLE) Also it smelled a wee bit icky.
The owner's feet were hot and sticky.
(SHE GIGGLES) He smelled me out, I swear it, Mum! He said he smelled an Englishman! Ow! And well he might! I've told you every single night To take a bath because you smell, But would you do it? Would you hell! You even make your mother shrink Because of your unholy stink! Well, darling Mum, if you're so clean, Why don't you climb the crazy bean? By gollikins, by gad I will.
There's life within the old dog still! (SHE LAUGHS) (BAND PLAYS EXUBERANTLY) (WHISTLE) (WHISTLE) - (WHISTLE) - (HE SIGHS) Now came the Ugly Sisters' go.
Hmm! (SHE SNORTS) - Ah! - She tried it on.
Do-do-do-doo! - The Prince screamed - No! - But she screamed - Yes, it fits! Whoopee! So now you've got to marry me! The Prince went white from ear to ear.
- He muttered - Let me out of here.
Oh, no, you don't, you made a vow.
There's no way you can back out now! - Off with her head! - The Prince roared back.
They chopped it off with one big whack.
Catch me, then! This pleased the Prince.
He smiled and said, She's prettier without the head.
(LAUGHTER) - Next! - (WHISTLE) By gollikins, the boy was right.
(SHE SQUEALS) Now, would the Giant smell Jack's mum? He listened for the fee, fo, fum.
He gazed aloft.
He wondered when The dreaded words would come And then From somewhere high above the ground There came a frightful crunching sound.
(HE WHIMPERS) Ahem.
He heard the Giant mutter twice "By gosh, that tasted very nice.
"Although" And this in grumpy tones "I wish there weren't so many bones.
" (HE LAUGHS) By Christopher, by gum, The Giant's eaten up my mum.
He smelled her out.
She's in his belly.
I had a hunch that she was smelly.
(CHILDREN LAUGH) Jack stood there gazing longingly Upon the huge and golden tree.
He murmured softly Golly-gosh, I guess I'll have to take a wash If I'm going to climb that tree Without the Giant smelling me.
(SHE YAWNS) Huh? Hmm In fact, a bath's my only hope.
He rushed indoors and grabbed the soap.
He scrubbed his body everywhere.
He even washed and rinsed his hair.
He did his teeth, he blew his nose (HONK!) And went out smelling like a rose.
(WHISTLE) (BAND PLAY LETHARGICALLY) Then up came Sister Number Two, - Who yelled - Now I will try the shoe! - Try this instead.
- The Prince yelled back.
He swung his trusty sword and smack.
In the kitchen, peeling spuds, Cinderella heard the thuds Of bouncing heads upon the floor, And poked her own head round the door.
What the? Hoo! Ha! - What's all the racket? - Cindy cried.
- Mind your own bizz.
- The Prince replied.
Poor Cindy's heart was torn to shreds.
My dashing Prince, he chops off heads! How could I marry anyone Who does that sort of thing for fun? Hmm? Who's this dirty mutt? Off with her nut! Ha! Off with her nut! Off with her nut! - Off with her nut! - Off with her nut! (GROWLING) (HE SNIFFS) Fee, fi, fo, fum.
(HE SNIFFS) Right now I can't smell anyone.
Jack waited till the Giant slept, Then out along the boughs he crept.
(SNORING) (WHISTLING) (THUD!) Jack gathered so much gold, I swear He was an instant millionaire.
(HE GASPS) Huh? Oh And Cindy? Well (CINDY PANTS) - Off with her nut! - Off with her nut! - Off with her nut! - Off with her nut! - Off with her nut! - Off with her nut! - Off with her nut! - Off with her nut! - Off with her nut! - Off with her nut! - Off with her nut! - Off with her nut! - Off with her nut! - Oh! (GLASS TINKLES) Oh! (HE CHUCKLES) Off with your nut.
Help! And then? Well What? What's wrong with you? Er Just then, all in a blaze of light, The Magic Fairy hove in sight.
Ah! Her magic wand went swoosh and swish.
Come on now, Cindy, make a wish! Wish anything and have no doubt "That I will make it come about.
" Cindy answered No more princes, no more money.
I've had my taste of honey.
Whoa! Argh! (RIBBIT!) I'm wishing for a decent man.
They're hard to find.
Do you think you can? Huh? (BELL TINKLES) A short while later, Cinderella Was married to a lovely fella.
A simple jam maker by trade, Who sold good home-made marmalade.
(CINDY GIGGLES) Mmm.
Looks like a bath does seem to pay.
I'm going to have one every day.
(CHILDREN LAUGH) Their house was filled with smiles and laughter.
And they were happy ever after.
(TICKING) (ALARM RINGS) Thank you.
I loved it.
- Bye.
- Goodnight.
See you next Friday.
- Get home safely.
- (SNORING) - Hmm? (FLOORBOARD CREAKS) (SHE GASPS) You.
Goodbye, Red.
Oh, sweetie, you love Miss Hunt.
Ugh, he's such a baby.
- Don't be silly.
- I'm not a baby! - Yes.
Yes, you are.
- No, I'm not! - You are a baby.
Guys, no fighting.
- No, I'm not! Guys - (DOORBELL RINGS) - Hi, there! - Hi.
- It's you already.
- I'm still waiting for the baby-sitter.
- Mum Don't worry, I can look after him.
(SHE SIGHS) I guess she should be here any minute.
Ugh, Mum All right.
You can read him a story.
Don't open the door for anyone but Miss Hunt.
OK? - Love you! - Bye, Mum! Bye, Mum.
(SHE GIGGLES) - (DOORBELL RINGS) - Ugh Miss Hunt? Yes.
(SHE GASPS) It's a giant wolf.
A giant, hungry wolf.
Can you show me the kitchen, little boy? Haven't you had any dinner yet? - That's strange.
- I thought I'd have a bite here.
What do you like most? Mmm, I think I like - you.
- (BOY GIGGLES) And I like you! (CHOPPING) What are you doing? I'm preparing the vegetables.
I'm cutting onions, cooking potatoes.
And then I'm going to eat you up! - (SHE GASPS) - (HE GIGGLES) But it's story time.
Yes! Story time! (TICKING) All right, story time.
Let me tell you a story about No.
Not just one story.
Two kids, two stories.
That's story time.
Yeah, two stories.
Today, it's Jack And The Beanstalk, and Well, you can't tell Jack's story without Cinderella's.
Cinderella? Oh, she always wants to hear it all the time! Cindy loses her shoe and instead she gets the Prince.
Aha! You think you know these stories.
You don't.
The real ones are much more gory.
The phoney ones the ones you know were cooked up years and years ago And made to sound all soft and sappy Just to keep the children happy.
Cinderella! For instance, did you know that Jack and Cindy were neighbours? Ugh Cindy? (HE SIGHS) The Ugly Sisters, fat and tall, Were hellbent for the Palace Ball.
(THEY SIGH) Hmph.
Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah! Oh Huh? - Oh, have that.
- Oh.
(THEY BELCH) Oh Mmm.
Huh? Where's the jam? Cinderella! Get her.
Huh? (HE SIGHS) (SHE SNIFFS) Hmm - "Get her, get her.
" - Huh? - (DOOR CREAKS) - Ugh - Cindy! - Ah! Oh, Cindy.
(THEY GROWL) No jam for Cindy! (BANG!) Ah! Ow! Oof.
(THEY CACKLE) Jack! You creep.
- We're stony broke! - (COW MOOS) Go out and find some wealthy bloke Who'll buy our cow.
Just say she's sound And worth at least £100.
But don't you dare to let him know That she's as old as billy-o.
(COW MOOS) (HE GASPS) Welcome.
Huh? Jack gave the old brown cow away, And came back later in the day.
Oh! When he produced one lousy bean, His startled mother, turning green, Leaped high up in the air and cried I'm absolutely stupefied! You crazy boy! Do you really mean You sold our Daisy for a bean? - She snatched the bean.
She yelled - You chump! And flung it on the rubbish dump.
Then summoning up all her power, She beat the boy for half an hour, Using and nothing could be meaner Hmm.
Erm The handle of a vacuum cleaner.
(HE LAUGHS) The Ugly Sisters, jewels and all, Departed for the Palace Ball.
(THEY CHEER) Help! Oh, help! Please! Hmm? Let me out! The Magic Fairy heard her shout.
(CINDERELLA SOBS) Appearing in a blaze of light, - She said - My dear, are you all right? All right? All right?! Why, can't you see I feel as rotten as can be?! She beat her fist against the wall - And shouted - Get me to the Ball! Hmm.
There is a disco at the Palace.
The rest have gone and I am jealous! I want a dress, I want a coach.
And earrings and a diamond brooch.
And silver slippers, two of those, And lovely nylon panty hose.
Done up like that I'll guarantee The handsome Prince will fall for me.
- The fairy said - Hang on a tick.
She gave her wand a mighty flick.
And keep in mind you'll lose your frock If you're not home by 12 o'clock.
(CROWD GASPS) - (CAMERAS CLICK) - Hello.
(SNORING) A piece of advice the love of your life could be right under your nose, you just don't know it cos you're not smelling hard enough.
Ooh! It made the Ugly Sister wince To see her dancing with the Prince.
(THEY GASP) She held him very tight and pressed Herself against his manly chest.
(SNORING) (DISTANT MUSIC) At 10pm or thereabout, The little bean began to sprout.
The Prince himself was turned to pulp.
All he could do was gasp and gulp.
(LATIN MUSIC PLAYS) (SHE SNORES) Then midnight struck.
- (BONG!) - Oh, no! Oh, heck! I've got to run to save my neck! - The Prince cried - No! Alas! Alack! He grabbed her dress to hold her back.
- As Cindy shouted - Let me go! The dress was ripped from head to toe.
(CROWD GASPS) She ran out in her underwear, And lost one slipper on the stair.
The Prince was on it like a dart, He pressed it to his pounding heart.
- The girl this slipper fits - He cried.
Tomorrow morn shall be my bride! (CROWD GASPS) Then, rather carelessly, I fear, He placed it on a keg of beer.
At once, one of the Ugly Sisters, The one whose face was blotched with blisters Sneaked up and grabbed the dainty shoe, And quickly flushed it down the loo.
Then in its place she calmly put The slipper from her own right foot.
That's not fair.
Aha, you see, the plot grows thicker, And Cindy's luck starts looking sicker.
- (DOOR SLAMS) - Mum! Mum! Muuuuuu! Mum, admit it now.
It's better than a rotten cow! You little creep, you lunatic! Where are the beans that I can pick? There's not one bean! It's bare as bare! No, Mother, look up there! Look very high and you'll behold Each single leaf is solid gold! (SHE GASPS) By gollikins, my sainted souls, I'll sell the Mini, buy a Rolls! Don't stand and gape, you little clot! Get up there quick and grab the lot! Jack was nimble.
Jack was keen.
He scrambled up the mighty bean.
(HE GROANS) Up, up he went without a stop, But just as he was near the top, A ghastly, frightening thing occurred Not far above his head he heard A big, deep voice, a rumbling thing That made the very heavens ring.
(GROWLING) Fee, fi, fo, fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman! (HE SNIFFS) (HE GROWLS) Aaaaaaaaah! Oh, Mumsy, dear, believe you me, There's something nasty up our tree! I saw him, Mum, my gizzard froze! A giant with a clever nose! (BAND PLAYS EXUBERANTLY) Meanwhile, in town, the tension grew.
- Who was the owner of the shoe? - (WHISTLE) The shoe was long and very wide.
- A normal foot got lost inside.
- (WHISTLE) Also it smelled a wee bit icky.
The owner's feet were hot and sticky.
(SHE GIGGLES) He smelled me out, I swear it, Mum! He said he smelled an Englishman! Ow! And well he might! I've told you every single night To take a bath because you smell, But would you do it? Would you hell! You even make your mother shrink Because of your unholy stink! Well, darling Mum, if you're so clean, Why don't you climb the crazy bean? By gollikins, by gad I will.
There's life within the old dog still! (SHE LAUGHS) (BAND PLAYS EXUBERANTLY) (WHISTLE) (WHISTLE) - (WHISTLE) - (HE SIGHS) Now came the Ugly Sisters' go.
Hmm! (SHE SNORTS) - Ah! - She tried it on.
Do-do-do-doo! - The Prince screamed - No! - But she screamed - Yes, it fits! Whoopee! So now you've got to marry me! The Prince went white from ear to ear.
- He muttered - Let me out of here.
Oh, no, you don't, you made a vow.
There's no way you can back out now! - Off with her head! - The Prince roared back.
They chopped it off with one big whack.
Catch me, then! This pleased the Prince.
He smiled and said, She's prettier without the head.
(LAUGHTER) - Next! - (WHISTLE) By gollikins, the boy was right.
(SHE SQUEALS) Now, would the Giant smell Jack's mum? He listened for the fee, fo, fum.
He gazed aloft.
He wondered when The dreaded words would come And then From somewhere high above the ground There came a frightful crunching sound.
(HE WHIMPERS) Ahem.
He heard the Giant mutter twice "By gosh, that tasted very nice.
"Although" And this in grumpy tones "I wish there weren't so many bones.
" (HE LAUGHS) By Christopher, by gum, The Giant's eaten up my mum.
He smelled her out.
She's in his belly.
I had a hunch that she was smelly.
(CHILDREN LAUGH) Jack stood there gazing longingly Upon the huge and golden tree.
He murmured softly Golly-gosh, I guess I'll have to take a wash If I'm going to climb that tree Without the Giant smelling me.
(SHE YAWNS) Huh? Hmm In fact, a bath's my only hope.
He rushed indoors and grabbed the soap.
He scrubbed his body everywhere.
He even washed and rinsed his hair.
He did his teeth, he blew his nose (HONK!) And went out smelling like a rose.
(WHISTLE) (BAND PLAY LETHARGICALLY) Then up came Sister Number Two, - Who yelled - Now I will try the shoe! - Try this instead.
- The Prince yelled back.
He swung his trusty sword and smack.
In the kitchen, peeling spuds, Cinderella heard the thuds Of bouncing heads upon the floor, And poked her own head round the door.
What the? Hoo! Ha! - What's all the racket? - Cindy cried.
- Mind your own bizz.
- The Prince replied.
Poor Cindy's heart was torn to shreds.
My dashing Prince, he chops off heads! How could I marry anyone Who does that sort of thing for fun? Hmm? Who's this dirty mutt? Off with her nut! Ha! Off with her nut! Off with her nut! - Off with her nut! - Off with her nut! (GROWLING) (HE SNIFFS) Fee, fi, fo, fum.
(HE SNIFFS) Right now I can't smell anyone.
Jack waited till the Giant slept, Then out along the boughs he crept.
(SNORING) (WHISTLING) (THUD!) Jack gathered so much gold, I swear He was an instant millionaire.
(HE GASPS) Huh? Oh And Cindy? Well (CINDY PANTS) - Off with her nut! - Off with her nut! - Off with her nut! - Off with her nut! - Off with her nut! - Off with her nut! - Off with her nut! - Off with her nut! - Off with her nut! - Off with her nut! - Off with her nut! - Off with her nut! - Off with her nut! - Oh! (GLASS TINKLES) Oh! (HE CHUCKLES) Off with your nut.
Help! And then? Well What? What's wrong with you? Er Just then, all in a blaze of light, The Magic Fairy hove in sight.
Ah! Her magic wand went swoosh and swish.
Come on now, Cindy, make a wish! Wish anything and have no doubt "That I will make it come about.
" Cindy answered No more princes, no more money.
I've had my taste of honey.
Whoa! Argh! (RIBBIT!) I'm wishing for a decent man.
They're hard to find.
Do you think you can? Huh? (BELL TINKLES) A short while later, Cinderella Was married to a lovely fella.
A simple jam maker by trade, Who sold good home-made marmalade.
(CINDY GIGGLES) Mmm.
Looks like a bath does seem to pay.
I'm going to have one every day.
(CHILDREN LAUGH) Their house was filled with smiles and laughter.
And they were happy ever after.
(TICKING) (ALARM RINGS) Thank you.
I loved it.
- Bye.
- Goodnight.
See you next Friday.
- Get home safely.
- (SNORING) - Hmm? (FLOORBOARD CREAKS) (SHE GASPS) You.
Goodbye, Red.