Rings on Their Fingers (1978) s01e02 Episode Script

1 Bloody racket! Argh! Darling? Oliver, are you all right? - What happened? - Well, you're on the floor.
I know I'm on the floor! Just dislocated my shoulder.
- Oh, no! - That damn bed! Oh! Come on.
Somebody once said how comfortable that was.
Must have been a tramp hot from a bench on the Embankment.
I have not had one solitary wink all night.
- Oliver, that is not true.
I heard you snoring.
- Argh! I do not snore.
If you heard anything, you heard me moaning piteously.
Only someone with a heart of stone could have occupied a double bed in there, listening to somebody else's agony in here.
It's only for a couple of weeks, darling, just while we're engaged.
- We can be engaged in a double bed, can't we? - We discussed all that last night.
- Come and have some breakfast.
- Argh! Sandy, we discussed getting married last night.
I may be prepared to abandon the freedom I've enjoyed for the last six years, but I'm not prepared to give up sleeping.
Freedom? Abandon your freedom? Sandy, you don't start splitting hairs with somebody who's not only heard the church clock chime all night, - but has also put his shoulder out.
- You have not put it out! Well, it might have clicked back.
If you acquaint marriage with a life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs, which you obviously do, I don't know why I came back here last night.
I don't know how Wormwood Scrubs came up, but I bet they have more comfortable beds.
Oh! Why did you ring me at the office yesterday, then? Why did you propose? - Well, I didn't.
- Hm? Well, not exactly.
I mean, you proposed that I should propose.
No.
No, you did.
I did.
I did ask you to marry me, but I thought it would be a simple matter of marrying you in a registry office.
But I've been landed with Westminster Abbey, a bed of nails and a ban on nookie.
- Nookie? - Sorry.
God, what a romantic you are, Oliver.
Straight out of the pages of a Sir Walter Scott novel.
I bet if you rescued a maiden in distress, you wouldn't climb up to a castle window until she'd agreed to a spot of how's your father! Our marriage was to have been as much for your sake as for mine, Oliver.
- My sake? - "Nobody gets married these days," you said.
"Everybody's living in sin.
" So we were going to be original, get out of the conformist rut, strike a pioneer blow.
All right.
Why can't we strike a pioneer blow in the bedroom? Oliver, all you ever think about is sex.
All I am thinking about is a good night's sleep.
It has been a long time since you've been such an overwhelming display of physical passion.
It's nothing to do with physical passion.
I'd be happy spending our engagement sleeping bottom to bottom.
For a year you've only come to bed smelling of talcum powder and aftershave twice a week.
I didn't know you were lying there with a pocket calculator! And recently only once a week! Sandy, please, not before breakfast.
- I just want a little mystery, Oliver.
- Mystery? I don't want to see you brushing your teeth three hours before I marry you.
All right, I'll brush them on the landing.
I want to see you for the first time at the church.
You mean I don't even get the camp bed now? OK, OK.
All right.
I'll be on the Embankment.
After this I shan't notice the difference.
Stay with a friend.
Oh, yes.
On another camp bed.
Damn bed! What are you doing? If our marriage can't survive a few sticks of wood and a length of canvas - But we're not married yet! - We're not going to be either! - Now, Sandy - It's stupid, getting married after living together for six years.
It's ridiculous! - It is not.
- Yes, it is.
It's a totally feminine thing.
Security.
Respectability.
And maybe a spot of old-fashioned romance.
Not in a man's book at all! - Yes, it is.
- You and I have become different people since I suggested getting married.
I'm not a different I'm just sore.
The whole thing's on a different plane when you put it on a legal basis.
Yesterday we were lovers.
Today I could sue you for breach of promise! Now, Sandy, darling, let's not be hasty.
Oliver, will you please stop taking things out of my case? Listen, I promised to marry you last night, didn't I? Have you ever known me to go back on my word? Yes.
All right, I won't mention the bed again.
Even if I fracture my femur, I'll suffer in silence.
And we'll go out this morning and buy the ring and we'll fix the church, and I'll have some invitations photostatted in the office, hm? And um you can choose a cake.
Now, then - Haven't twisted your arm? - Twisted my? When? No, no.
Good heavens.
- Promise? - Cross my heart.
We're not sleeping together yet, though.
No.
No, all right.
If If that's what you want.
- It is, darling.
It is.
- All right.
We won't get married in a church.
How about that? - Oh, won't we? - I'd have to call the banns for three weeks.
Three weeks on that bed? I don't want to to be in splints on the wedding night.
- So we'll only be engaged for a week, then.
- Fine.
- If we can get the registry office.
- We'll look today, - after we've er, chosen the ring.
- Ooh, lovely, darling.
That really only leaves one thing to discuss, doesn't it? What's that? Hadn't thought about it before, but it wouldn't be a proper wedding without one.
- Without what? - A honeymoon.
We'll go to the jeweller's first, then to the registry office.
- Well, come along.
We're going to be late.
- Oliver? Hold my hand.
What? Since when did I have to see you across the road? You used to hold my hand all the time.
- Did I? Well - Now we're engaged There's people at the bus stop.
Please, darling.
That's lovely.
- I said sorry.
- You said you're sorry three years running.
- What else can I do? - You can remember our wedding anniversary! - Three years running, - Sorry! Nothing on the breakfast table but breakfast! Jean Not even a single flower in a specimen glass! Now, I think that one That's an aquamarine with a little sapphire.
And I think you'll find that will keep its value.
Good morning, sir, madam.
Miss.
Good morning.
Could we see the tray in the window, please? - Which tray, miss? - Don't let's make a fuss.
- There's lots of rings here.
- Ladies generally know their own minds, sir.
The engagement rings, second shelf.
- There you are, sir.
- Tray B243.
Ever since you asked me to marry you, I've admired this ring.
- I only asked you yesterday.
- I kept coming back and looking at it.
Tray B243, miss.
My word, sir, your fiancée certainly knows her own mind.
Thank you.
This is the one.
Oh, isn't it beautiful, Oliver? Well, yes.
Er, may I see it? - It's a perfect fit.
- Really? Congratulations, miss! Didn't she do well, sir? Oliver! I know I'm giving you my hand in marriage, but the rest of my body goes with it! Sorry, I just wanted to see to see the full effect.
Oh, I love it! Yes, I know, darling, but it is the first one you've looked at.
- The most beautiful one in the shop.
- It should be at the price.
- Price? - No, I mean - This is for ever.
- Yes, I know, darling.
But some of these look pretty durable too.
- This rather takes my - This is my first engagement ring.
- My only engagement ring! - Yes, quite! - You're quibbling about the price! - I'm not.
But this one is most You are looking at the tags like somebody at a January sale.
I just happen to like this one.
It's more unusual, more original, more stylish - And £20 less.
- Yes.
I mean, no! Ssh! I will not be a January bargain.
Of course you're not a bargain.
I mean, you are.
Yes? - Thank you very much.
- Ah, your fiancée's first choice.
- Didn't I say - Yes, you did.
- Of course it's not an inexpensive ring.
- Isn't it? I hadn't noticed.
But one doesn't count the cost at the start of life's greatest adventure.
It saddens me to have to tell you that our sales of engagement and wedding rings have sadly decreased in favour of purely dress rings.
- Oh, yes, darling.
Shall we do it now? - What? Buy a wedding ring too? You see, we're doing this in rather a hurry.
- Hurry? - Yes, well, I - Of course, I won't go into that now.
- No, please don't.
- What do you think, darling? - Well, er In the window, tray F113.
Excuse me? Now, you can help me choose it, then you go outside while I choose you a ring.
And the signet rings.
Tray M412.
- Course, you can't go very far, darling.
- Oh, why? I shall need your cheque book.
Well, you've shot your bolt now, eh, Don? After you've thrown the confetti, we'll measure you a ball and chain! It's £21.
25.
Can you get your cheque book out again, please? Come on, darling.
Oh, sorry.
- Do you mind? - I haven't minded for the past year.
What? Oh, since Veronica and I parted.
I'm sorry, I thought I was being discreet.
- I've just caught the odd whiff.
- Oh I'll have to use a stronger aftershave.
- You won't er - No, thanks.
celebrate your engagement? - Don't tempt me.
I might finish the flask.
Oh! Er, fell off the camp bed.
Well We're er - Sleeping apart.
- Just till the Nuptials, yes.
It's good to know there's still a hint of romance left in this world.
Romance? Oh, yes.
Yes.
It's very romantic.
I thought of the two of you when I got home last night.
Married life stretching before you.
Nothing like it.
No? Well, I must say, Victor, coming from you, that virtually amounts to a commercial.
Oh, heavens.
Even Veronica and I had our good times, you know.
Really? Well, of course you must.
Indeed, yes.
Oh, yes.
And not just at the beginning, you know.
- No? - No.
Right the way through.
Good times.
- Yes? - Yes.
The kind you never forget.
- Ah! - No - Good.
- Yes.
What sort of good times, Victor? What sort? - Good times.
The kind you - Never forget.
Yes.
Well Right from the beginning.
- The honeymoon, for instance.
- Oh, the honeymoon! In Paris.
Two weeks.
Well, Veronica and I, we Well, we We We weren't too lucky with the weather.
- Oh.
- No, a little too much rain.
Veronica got a little tired of looking at it.
- Shame.
- Yes.
Then she caught a nasty cold.
Very nasty.
She didn't shake it off for two months.
No.
No, the honeymoon wasn't a very good time.
But er after that? Ah! After that! We moved out of our little flat and bought our first house.
- Yes? - No.
I remember Veronica didn't like the house.
- Oh.
- No.
She preferred the flat.
It was too much work for her, you see.
Yes, I see.
But er eventually? She always preferred the flat.
Actually, that first year wasn't so good.
- No? - No.
So we sold the house and found another flat.
- Another flat? - Yes.
- And? - She preferred the first flat.
Oliver.
- I am so sorry.
- What? I've only just heard you split up with Sandy.
- Split up? - I'm so sorry.
I liked you both.
It's a pretty drastic step, isn't it? - Listen - It's obviously obviously it's on the rebound.
- I haven't split up with Sandy! - No - No? - No.
Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.
I just heard someone say that you're getting married, you see.
- Yes, I am.
- Not to Sandy? - Yeah.
- What, after six years? Correct.
You've been living together longer than Barbara and I.
- Yes, I know.
- Oh! There's a bun in the oven! - There is not a bun in the oven! - Sorry.
Not a bun in the oven.
And you're getting married? - Yes.
- What went wrong with freedom? - Nothing.
- I'm sure they'll be very happy.
Of course we will.
Victor's just been telling me about his happy times.
That must have taken all of five seconds! Oh, sorry.
Sorry.
Oh, well, um, we'll miss you.
- Who will? - Barbara and I, Ted and Jenny, Sheila and Gerald.
All the unlicensed lot! We're getting married, not emigrating.
Not emigrating, no.
Just, what was it you called it? - What? - What you said you'd never do.
- What? - You're going over to the other side.
New friends.
Patter of tiny feet.
Oh, you're joking! When the tiny feet get bigger - boom boom boom - more tiny feet! - Graham, please.
- Ok.
We'll see.
Time will tell.
Oh, Oliver Good luck.
We once had a nice weekend in West Wittering.
Yes, well, thanks a lot, Victor.
I've got to ring Mr Manderson, ask him for time off for our honeymoon.
Honeymoon! Huh! After six years of unmarried bliss.
Oh, Cathie, it's Oliver Pride.
Um, could Mr Manderson spare a I believe congratulations are in order, Mr Pride.
What? Oh, yes.
Thanks, Cathie.
Could Mr I'll have to remember my place in future, won't I? Your place? Remind myself you're one of the untouchables.
What? Oh, I've always had a thing about married men.
Didn't you know? No.
Erm Well, actually you and I have never really - Now we never shall, shall we? - Well, erm Or shall we? - Cathie - Sorry, Mr Pride, but I've got an awfully sweet tooth for forbidden fruit.
Mr Manderson? In ten minutes? Fine.
Erm thanks, Cathie.
Bye.
I'll say au revoir.
Cathie Fletcher.
The nearest we've ever been to a sexy encounter was in the canteen when she asked me to pass the salt.
Suddenly I'm the natural successor to Robert Redford! A number of ladies are very attracted to married men.
Oh Oh, a number, eh? A large number.
Veronica was one of them.
Oliver! - Join the club! - We haven't got that far! - Oh, club! - Us married lot.
- Oh, yes.
- Legitimate! Yes.
Well, thank you again.
- You and Sandy must come round for dinner.
- Dinner? Deirdre's suggestion.
As a matter of fact, I feel a bit guilty you've never been round, but - Well, some wives even in this day and age - Really? I don't know whether they're disapproving or just plain jealous! We'll make that a date.
You'll probably be hearing from George and Myra before that.
They're having a party next week, and Myra thinks a bit like Deirdre.
Ha! Oh, well, that's splendid.
And um talking of parties, er let me know if you're having a stag.
A stag? Stag do.
Men only.
Night before the wedding.
Oh! I had a marvellous thrash.
Usually start off at a pub and wind up back at somebody's flat with a barmaid and a couple of pushovers in tow! I hadn't thought of that.
Well, think about it now.
And think about something else too.
The following day.
Reception.
Drinks.
Eats.
All paid for by your wife's parents.
Welcome into the cage, Oliver! Thank you.
Oh Yesterday's paper? Didn't you see it? An article about people living together and then getting married.
It's an old theory, of course.
I've heard it before.
- What theory? - That the marriage usually lasts, in months, the same number of years as the couple spent shacked up.
Well, that won't happen to us.
It happened to Betty.
- Betty? - Who used to work here.
In Accounts.
Nine years she lived with whatshisname.
Nine years.
And the marriage broke up nine months later.
That's why she left us.
- Really? - It's a sort of Sod's law.
Congratulations, Sandy! I wasn't here yesterday.
- Oh, thanks, Mary.
- Oh, you'll make a super couple.
And don't take any notice of that article in yesterday's paper.
- You know, the one about - Yes, I know.
Good heavens, that would mean you and Oliver getting divorced before Christmas! I mean, Belinda's the exception that proves the rule.
- You mean Betty.
- No, Belinda.
Three years living with Tony, four months married! Oh, yes.
And Betty.
Of course.
I forgot about Betty.
Well, don't let's depress Sandy.
Oh, no.
Sorry, Sandy.
It's just as silly as that other article, isn't it? - What other? - About America.
Couples without any marital problems are getting divorced and living together to try and avoid breaking up! Isn't it ridiculous? I don't know.
I don't know if I haven't made a mistake.
- You? - It takes two.
No, it only took me! I mean, I forced Oliver into this.
I pushed him into the jeweller's shop and into the registry office.
And come to think of it, I don't think I've seen him smile since I asked him to ask me to marry him.
Well, honestly, it makes me ashamed of my sex, the way Christine Henson's flirting with George Morris and he's hardly back from his honeymoon.
She never took any notice of him before he was married.
Suppose she thinks it's safer.
No chance of involvement.
You'd better keep Oliver away from her, Sandy.
Only joking! You two have been together for five or six years already, haven't you? Mind you, have you read that article in the paper? - Congratulations, Pride! - Thank you, sir.
- Well, have a cigar.
- Oh Oh, no.
Perhaps not.
That's for a different marital occasion, isn't it? Which I don't suppose is on your mind at the moment.
Well, er, no, sir.
Sit down.
We don't want to we don't want to tempt fate.
Very young children can be a disadvantage when it comes to an overseas transfer.
Overseas? Our Austrian branch.
I hear that Vienna has quite a lot to offer.
Apart from Wiener schnitzels! I didn't mention this before, Pride.
Do you mind if I call you Oliver? Oh, please.
Sir.
I didn't mention this before, Oliver, but the social life abroad is as important as business.
A wife is an essential cachet.
Now that your Sandra can stand officially by your side Excuse me.
Yes? Er, put him through, will you? Well done, Oliver.
I'll keep you posted.
Oh.
Thank you, sir.
- Thanks, Cathie.
- It's a pleasure, Mr Pride.
And should your marriage ever hit a thorny patch, do remember that I'll always be happy to provide a bosom to weep on.
Sandy? Where's my little bride-to-be? Darling? Hubby's home! That's how it's going to sound next week, eh? You look tired, darling.
All that running about this morning.
Let's have a look.
Beautiful.
Worth every penny.
Keep it sparkling, eh? Now, then, where shall the potential couple of the year dine tonight, hm? The Savoy? The Ritz? Colonel Sanders? Hm? Oliver, I'm not really very hungry.
- We must go out.
We're celebrating.
- What? Our first full day as an engaged couple.
Officially engaged.
With rings to prove it and the registry office has got my deposit.
Um, Oliver You don't really want to get married.
- What? - You don't, do you? Well, of course I do.
Why did I buy out that jeweller's this morning? No.
I forced your hand.
- You're not keen, and I accept that.
- I am keen.
And that's why we're calling the whole thing off.
- Calling it off? - Your pyjamas and pillow are back in our room.
Now listen, Sandy! Oliver, you've been a martyr, and I do admire you for it.
I didn't do my Indian fakir act on that bed of nails last night for nothing, you know! No, you were marvellous.
I did it to get in training for you not seeing me brushing my teeth on our wedding day.
Well, now you'll be able to brush them here! To hell with my teeth! I want to get married! Good grief, Sandy, a man wants a bit of security.
Oliver, my mother disapproved, your father disapproved, so let's at least make our parents happy.
Leave our parents alone.
Did they think about us when they got married? That is stupid.
A very stupid and fatuous thing to say! Stupid and fatuous? Thank you very much! I certainly wouldn't want to marry anyone with such a high opinion of me.
Good.
- Where are you going? - I'm packing my things.
Oliver! Getting married after living together for six years! The idea is ridiculous! - I said that! - It's a totally f - Totally feminine thing.
- I said that too.
- Kiss goodbye to Vienna.
- Vienna? And its schnitzels.
And we'll miss Edgar's dinner, and George and Myra's party, and Cathie will revert to asking me to pass the salt.
Stop taking things out of my case! - I just don't want to get divorced! - Well, you won't.
You have to get married first! It's the same number of years as months.
Betty and Belinda know.
It's Sod's law! And Christine Henson is making eyes at George Morris and he's still warm from his bride's bed! Sandy I just thought you didn't want to get married.
Listen, I paid for a whole handful of rings this morning.
Well, if you do And alerted the registry office.
Well, I'd rather lose you in six months' time than now.
Now, come on, darling.
Hm? - I don't know what you're talking about.
- I don't know what you're talking about.
What's Sod's law? Edgar's dinner? Same number of months? Cathie passing the salt? George Morris is still warm? Viennese schnitzels? Oh Mm! Bloody case! - I am sorry, Oliver.
- Oh, nonsense.
- Well, I have been a bit silly.
- We both have.
- I do want to marry you.
- You could have fooled me just now.
Do you want to marry me? I can't think of a nicer way of spending Tuesday.
- What are you doing? - Brushing my teeth! We haven't done this for ages, have we? Well, not so early! Lovely! - Takes you back? - Mm.
Oh, sorry.
- Shall I do it, Oliver? - Yeah, I'm a bit out of practice.
- Let's just both get into bed.
- OK.
- Oh, and then, Oliver? - Yes, darling? Afterwards, you will sleep on the camp bed, won't you? Yes, darling.