Rita Rocks (2008) s01e02 Episode Script

(noisy rattling) Really? Sign this, please.
Uh okay, just put the pen in my mouth and move the paper around.
Thanks.
Wait.
What did I just sign? A permission slip.
My class is going to a farm where they train dogs for the blind.
Can I bring home a puppy? Honey, between you guys, your father, and this fern, I don't have time to keep anything else alive.
Crap.
Hey, babe.
Besides, we already have a pet-- Kip.
Kip is not your pet.
He's mypet.
Hey, I'm not anyone's pet.
Whoo.
Sausage! Here you go.
Morning, family and freeloader.
'Sup? Hey, my hot, hunky husband.
Good morning.
Good morning.
(groaning) Eating.
(groans) Mmm.
(yelps) Wallet's on the other side.
(laughing) I'm sorry.
I'm just in a really good mood because I have my band practice tonight.
Oh, yeah.
What time we doing that? If by "we" do you mean "When am I practicing with my band and you're not gonna be anywhere near there," well, that's at 4:00.
But I thought I was in the band.
Kip, it's not that we don't like you, it's just, I think it's weird having my daughter's boyfriend in my band.
Yeah, for me, I don't want a boyfriend in a band with my mother and a bunch of other oldpeople.
Old people? I'll have you know, little missy, that Oh, my God, did I just say "little missy"? You did.
Mom, don't forget, I have my attendance award ceremony for karate class and you're bringing cookies.
I won't forget.
Tomorrow at 5:30.
No, it's today.
Yeah.
No, I I thought yesterday was tomorrow, and today was gonna skip backwards.
You're right.
You're right.
You're right.
You're right.
Uh okay, I can make this work.
I've got band practice at 4:00.
If I get off work at 3:00, I can pick up the dry-cleaning, get cookies at the supermarket Oh I had a leg waxing appointment.
Well, so much for that.
Whoa, hey, hey.
Whoa, whoa, hey.
Let's not throw the cheese out with the crackers.
Look, how about this? I leave work early, I take Shannon to karate, then you meet me there.
Really? Oh, honey, that would be so great.
Thank you.
Just for that, I'll get my pits done, too.
Oh, I could poke my eyes out with a stick.
Yay! Then we could get a Seeing Eye dog.
RITA ROCKS PRODUCTIONS, LLC (playing mid-tempo rock beat) Whoo! Nice job, guys.
Yeah! Yes.
I might be crazy, but for our second rehearsal I think we totally shredded! Okay, you can't say that wearing black socks and sandals.
Yeah.
And I think it would've sounded a lot better if you hadn't left twice during the song for a pee break.
I'm doing the water cleanse diet.
Since I'm unemployed, I figured, why not give the wife a little eye candy when she comes in from the office.
I may never have candy again.
Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.
I was just out grabbing my new set of sticks! Can't wait to break 'em in.
I thought you talked to him.
I did.
Then why is he here? He's always here.
Then Iwill talk to him.
N-n-n-n Let me handle this.
I don't want anyone hurting anyone's feelings.
Look.
Hey, Kip, I know it seems exciting jamming with a bunch of cool people like us.
And again, it's not that we don't like you You can't be in the band.
It's weird.
Get lost.
Hallie made it perfectly clear that she didn't want you in a band with a you know, those (under breath): those old people over there.
Yeah, but I've been thinking.
Ever since I was little, I was banging on pots and pans and when I play with you guys, I-I feel like I'm actually goodat something.
Other than my hair.
He doeshave good hair.
I'm sorry, there's just now way you can be our drummer.
Hallie would be too upset.
On the other hand, she's young and pretty, honey.
She'll get over it.
Come on.
And one, two, three, four.
(playing mid-tempo rock beat) JAY: Yeah! Sorry, sorry.
Excuse me, sorry.
Whoo! Where wereyou? Band practice ran late, and then I was in this huge traffic jam, and then when I got to the front of it, nobody's dead.
Kidding.
So, uh what was all the hoopla about? All right, don't freak out but you sorta missed Shannon breaking her first board.
What?! She wasn't supposed to do anything today.
She was just supposed to show up.
I know.
Usually she trips just walking in here.
She's been working on that for months.
What am I gonna tell her? Tell her the truth.
Mommy, I did it! I broke the board! Did you see? Did you see? (sighs) Of course I saw it, and you were fantastic! Yay! Or that.
I can't believe I just lied to my own kid.
Mommy, did you bring the cookies? In the car.
(squeals) Yay, cookies.
You stay put-- I'll go to the store and get the cookies.
Don't judge me.
Once again, awesome dinner, Mrs.
Clemens.
And once again, you're not one of our kids, so why are we feeding you? What's going on over there? Oh.
I just got Shannon a little treat to celebrate her breaking of the board.
Aww, honey, this isn't you getting carried away because you missed her big moment, is it? Don't be ridiculous.
Just your average seven-layer chocolate cake with extra frosting flowers.
That's nicer than our wedding cake.
Honey, honey, look.
as far as Shannon knows, you already saw her.
Don't do what you always do and overcompensate because you feel guilty.
I am not doing that.
Here is some sugary goodness for my karate kid.
She broke a board.
She didn't find Osama bin Laden.
I'm just real proud of my little Shannon.
Mom, you gotta tell Hallie how I broke the board.
Oh, well, she broke it all right, you know? That board was bro-a-ken.
(laughs) Now, dig into your cake! No, Mom, tell her how I did it.
H How you did it.
How many different ways are there? But you, but your way was the board-breakiest break I've ever seen, especially on your first Third.
third try.
I mean, how many other kids did that? All of them.
Except all of them and you.
Hey, honey, why don't you run upstairs and, uh get your attendance award.
Okay, sure.
You didn't see it, did you? A mother has an all-seeing eye.
It's something you would not understand.
But you didn't see it? I didn't see it, see it, but you know I saw it.
I saw it, saw it.
I was I'm just saying.
Hypocritical much? You tell your children not to lie, and then you lie to your children? Okay, I know it seems that way, but it's not.
Just, please don't say anything to Shannon because it would crush her.
Oh, so now you want me to lie to cover up yourlie.
Sometimes you have to lie to your children to spare their feelings.
Hal, we're parents.
We get to do what we want to do and it doesn't have to make sense.
When you get older, you'll get to do the same thing.
Cool.
I can't wait to be a dad.
You'll wait.
So does this mean you've lied to me? No.
You're a perfect angel and I cherish your every waking moment.
So, yes.
Well, in that case, you're my hero.
And I'm gonna go upstairs and clean my room.
I don't care if it's a lie.
I still got my hug! Mrs.
Clemens I just want to say, I think you're an awesome mom, and I totally understand why you had to lie to Shannon.
Thank you, Kip.
So I kinda need you to lie to Hallie for me.
What? I didn't exactly tell her I'm in your band yet.
What about that whole "pots and pans, I'm finally good at something" talk? Yeah, that was a good speech.
Then I realized how cute sheis, and we look so good together, I don't want to mess that up.
(groans) Just, please, don't tell her.
You want me to lie to my daughter? I can't do that.
I think you can.
I used to be known for my meat loaf.
Now I'm known for my big, fat lying.
Mm-hmm.
Honestly, honey, we were lying when we said we liked your meat loaf.
Maybe I have too much on my plate.
Honey, you can't blame yourself for not being able to do it all.
You're right.
I blame Angelina Jolie.
Here we go.
She makes people think that you do it all.
She pounds out the twins.
She flies the airplane.
She saves the world.
She looks beautiful.
No woman can live up to that.
Honey, look what you have that she doesn't have.
Hello.
You're right.
You know what? You're right.
I've got the husband that videotaped Shannon, so if I watch it, I'm not lying when I say I saw it.
Get the camera! Right.
The camera.
The thing is is the, uh the-the video's out being developed.
Because suddenly we live in 1964? No, because I forgot to recharge the battery, but don't tell Shannon because I told her I recorded it.
You lied to? Really?! No, no, no.
I understand.
Yeah.
All right, thanks anyway.
Uh, it looks like none of the other parents got Shannon on tape.
Busy taping their own children.
Selfish bastards.
Oh, so now we're blaming others for our mistakes? I mean, I'm okay with that.
I'm just asking.
The Internet, the Internet.
It makes shopping so much easier.
But yeah.
That one's yours.
Yeah, like this is going to fill the void.
What is wrong with you? Remember that karate thing I was running off to? Well, I was late, and Shannon broke her first board and she was so excited Okay, is this a long problem? Well, I lied to her, okay? Then Hallie found out and called me a hypocrite.
She even used the word correctly, which made me real happy, but then real sad.
I get why you're upset.
I'm a mommy.
You know, "Do as I say, not as I do" is a drag.
That's the kind of mother I had, and the kind of mother I swore I would never be.
Girl, we all say we're not going to be our mothers, but then the next thing you know, you got curlers in your hair and a glass of Chardonnay and you're yelling, "I am on the phone!" Yo, well, beating yourself up isn't going to bring Shannon's moment back.
Oh, snap.
I got an idea.
I know what you're going to say.
I tell Shannon that you want to see her break a board and then I get to see it for real.
No, I was going to say, let's hit McGinty's for some nachos and beer.
Shannon, come out here.
But I got a feeling we're going to be doing your thing.
Hey, guess what? Patty wants to see you break a board, and she is super excited, aren't you, Patty? Whee.
Really? I have an extra one right here.
Nice.
Pull me into your little web.
Hey, Patty, will you hold the board for me? Why not? It's a government job-- they expect us to screw around.
She bowed.
Isn't that cute? I saw that! Hey, Rita, the Johnsons may have it on tape.
(karate yell) Oh, false alarm.
They don't have it.
That was good, honey.
Come on! Hey, how's the hand, squirt? It's just a slight sprain.
Just got to lay off the board breaking for a while.
Try not to use it as much.
We all need to help her out while she's healing.
Which means tie it, slave.
So what happened, anyway? Your mom had Shannon break the board again.
Oh, at least you finally got to see it.
Finally? You mean you didn't see me break it in karate class? Oh, my God, she doesn't know? The way Dad said it, I thought I just assumed All right, listen, listen, I really, really wanted to see it, but I was a few minutes late 'cause there was an accident on the road and there were people, sick people who needed CPR.
So I Okay, that's a lie, too.
Then why did you say you saw me? 'Cause I didn't want to disappoint you.
So you lied? I'm sorry.
I really am.
Daddy didn't get it on video either! Wow, did not see that coming.
I can't believe you just did that.
It's not my fault.
I thought you told her.
No.
Why would I tell her? Did you see the look on her face? That's the look I was trying to avoid when I lied to her.
One day when you're a mother, you'll understand.
Yeah, I'll understand that I don't want to be a mother who lies to her children.
Yeah, well, good luck with that, pumpkin.
(sighs) God, we're terrible parents.
Honey, we're not terrible parents.
You're just a terrible liar.
I have to make this up to Shannon.
No, honey, please, do not get her another cake.
I am not going to get her a cake.
Mom got me a dog! Yeah, we happened by a pet adoption fair on the way back from Shannon's follow-up appointment with her doctor.
Oh, is that all it takes? Ow, my foot.
Can I have a car? What's going on? Mom got me a dog! I named him Yoda.
It is not just her dog.
He belongs to everyone.
Give Mommy kisses.
ALL: Ah.
What kind of dog is this? It looks like a mix between retriever and guilty overcompensation.
Yoda's mom, a moment? Look, I know what this is about.
You wanted to name the dog.
Yes, yes, let's call him "How Could You Get a Dog Without Talking to Me?" This is a huge decision, and we should have talked about it.
He's never going to answer to that.
Look, Shannon was sad, I was sad, the dog made her happy.
We just happened to be there.
You were there because you drove there.
All right, fine.
I know what you're thinking.
I did not just do this to win back the love and affection of my youngest This is the best day ever! I love you, Mommy! Really? That makes me so you know, good, or whatever, I don't care.
Hey, babe.
You want to explain these? I found them in the garage.
I was eating really big Chinese food? It is embarrassing enough that my mom's in a band.
If people find out you're in it with her, I'll die.
Okay, I'm going to give you the God's honest truth.
Your mom begged me.
(footfalls) Hallie, this pizza is three weeks old.
Mom, I am so totally mad at you right now.
Geez, I barely made it into the room.
I can't believe you forced my boyfriend into being in your old people band.
I did not force him into being in my old people It's not an old people band, okay? And I didn't want him in it.
Kip asked me.
That's not what Kip said.
Well, maybe Kip's not being entirely honest with you.
Oh, you're going to talk to me about honesty? Okay, let's play it like this.
Kip, do you like eating here four times a week? Okay, I lied.
I I'm in your mom's band, and it was all my idea.
Why didn't you tell me before?! Okay, Hal, Hal, look here's the thing I finally found something that I'm really good at.
And I know you wish I was in a younger, hipper band, but they're really good despite their age.
I still have my hearing.
I-I just I don't want to lose you.
You're the greatest thing that's ever happened to me.
Aw Sweetest drummer in the world.
I can't believe you didn't want him in your band.
All right, I'm going to go hang out with the only one around here who makes any sense.
Where's the doggie? Yoda! So we good? Yeah.
Want to watch some TV? Okay.
Guys, guys! The gate's open and the dog's missing! Well, we've been all over the neighborhood, and no sign of Yoda.
Yeah, he's not at the city pound either.
I'm going to keep a lookout for him.
But just case, I put a Chihuahua on layaway.
JAY: Hello? Shannon's back from her playdate.
SHANNON: Yoda, here, boy.
Damn, she still remembers the dog.
Hey, Mom, where's Yoda? Honey, I have to talk to you about Yoda.
What? Did something happen to him? Well, I know you love him-- we all do.
It's just sometimes dogs Get fleas.
So we took him to the groomers, and that's where he is now.
So he's okay? Yeah, Shannon, he's fine.
We're going to go pick him up later.
Okay.
Call me when you're going.
Well, that was sweet.
Where'd that come from? Uh, she just seemed so upset, and she loves that dog, and I just didn't want to see that look on her face.
Hm Sorry I called you a hypocrite.
Thank you.
We're going to have to say something to her soon.
I mean, the dog is missing.
You lost the dog?! How are we going to find that dog? We have to tell Shannon.
I'll tell her.
It's my fault.
It's not your fault.
Yes, it is.
If I hadn't have been late from band practice, none of this would have happened.
All I wanted was two measly hours to play my music.
It's not like you haven't ever missed anything before.
Hallie's second grade dance recital? Oh, but you got that on tape.
Oh kind of taped over that when I thought that lady in the mall was Clay Aikens.
Honey, come on, the only reason you're beating yourself up is because you don't think you deserve these two hours, but you do.
'Cause it makes you happy.
So I'm not a bad mom? Please say no.
No.
I mean, look at Hallie.
She lied to protect Shannon's feelings.
She lied, and she learned that from you.
So I'm a better mother because I got one daughter to lie to the other? All right, I'll take it.
Hey, guys, check out my new dog.
Yoda! Yoda! No, this is F.
Bark Fitzgerald.
No, no, it's Shannon's dog.
We've been looking everywhere for him.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I think I see a $50 reward on that flier.
It might help ease some of the emotional pain my kids are going to go through.
How about a beer? Done.
Wait, what are you going to tell your kids? I'll just tell them he's on vacation on Doggie Island.
What if your kids see him in our back yard? It's his long lost twin.
Geez, don't you people lie to your kids? Captioned by Media