Robot Chicken s01e02 Episode Script
Nutcracker Sweet
It's alive! My name is George W.
Bush, and I approved this message.
Tacos rule.
This is your brain.
And this is heroin.
This is what happens to your brain on heroin.
And this is what your body goes through.
But it's not over yet.
This is what happens to your grades to your friends And all your stuff! This is what happens to the profits from your grandma's bake sale! This is what happens to the world economy.
And your boyfriend gives you herpes simplex A! And you end up getting a stupid tattoo of a unicorn on your left ass cheek that was supposed to be a bitchin' firebird but you were too strung out to notice at the time! We just want to help! This is what happens to family values! This is what happens to the pollen count! Any questions?! Any questions?! This is the spot! The Decepticons are using the dam below to stockpile energon cubes.
Megatron must be stopped! Autobots, transform and rol Oh! Hold on a second.
Are you OK? Let's get 'em! I shot the hell out of that guy! Good job, everyone! Megatron was defeated with only fifty humans killed in the crossfire.
A new record! - Hurray! - Hurray! Hey, Prowl, have you noticed how often Prime needs to drain the lizard nowadays? Yeah, he must be French, because he's a-peein'.
I think that joke goes, "You're-a-peein'.
" Ha ha.
But I'm not.
Ugh.
Such a Retardicon.
Uh-oh.
I didn't think going to the bathroom so often was a problem but just today, I saw blood in my urine.
Ew! Well, I'd better have a look.
Using the whole fist, doc? It's what I feared prostate cancer.
And it's advanced.
I'm sorry, Prime, but you're going to die.
Hi.
I'm Optimus Prime.
What you've just seen was a dramatization of what you, your friends, and your family go through if you don't get regular prostate exams.
Now, we transformers don't have organic internal organs and can't get cancer.
But you do and you can.
So, get your ass checked out before it's too late, turkeys! This has been a message from the Cybertronian Medical Association.
Reality TV has never been this honest, this brutal! Coming soon it's The World's Most One-sided Fistfights Caught on Film! Television too brutal to watch, yet you can't turn away.
Thursdays at 8 P.
M it's The World's Most One-sided Fistfights Caught on Film! All right, guys, I'll see you back in the yard.
Hey, what the Call a guard.
It, uh it burns when I pee.
What did I just tell you?! This newer tax appropriations bill will result in a My name is Tiffany Montgomery from Clifton, New Jersey and I think Senator Davidson rocks! Whoo! wide-standing ramifications My name is Melanie Fratello from Danbury, Connecticut and I think legislation to cut infrastructure funds 4% in the upcoming fiscal year rules! Whoo! Danbury High Fighting Tigers forever! Whoo-hoo! Yo, coming straight at you, we got an executive session to consider the nominations of three U.
S.
District judges, y'all! Then later on, the Procedure Oversight Committee is holding a public hearing that'll be all up in your grille.
But first, here's the results of our internet poll where you get to decide the next speaker.
And the winner is oh, Byron L.
Dorgan! Oh, yeah! Thank you.
As the representative I'm so hungry.
Hi, Mr.
Hungry.
Can I call you so? Is everyone ready for more of those hilarious bloopers? You know, being a TV reporter isn't all fires and double homicides.
When you can't get your lines right sometimes the biggest story is you! There's nothing like some tasty bamboo especially when you're Ling-Ling who's traveled all the way from China to visit, um uh uh, I'm sorry.
I just don't feel safe next to this animal.
It's completely harmless, Jerry.
Are are are you sure? It's it's just all right, all right.
Still rolling.
There's nothing like a nice piece of bamboo uh, when Crap! Stop being such a wuss! I I I just Fine! Fine! Rolling.
There's, uh, nothing like a nice piece of bamboo especially when You just can't trust the Chinese.
There certainly weren't any chinese in Hazzard County but Bo and Luke had problems of their own! Marker! Ow! My knee! Son of a bitch! Ow! Wait! Wait, John! I'm stuck.
I'm stuck! I'm stuck! When David Duchovny announced he was leaving The X-Files producers had to scramble to find a new male lead.
Check out these never-before-seen screen tests.
Keanu Reeves screen test, take one.
So, you're telling me we're dealing with a sort of missing link in the evolutionary chain? That's right, Scully.
The scientific name for this beast would be Rondonondus marsipius, from the genus Emplyaeclaes.
Mr.
T.
Screen test, take one.
So, you're telling me we're dealing with a sort of missing link You damn right, Scully! Missing link between the bugs and the humans! Talkin' 'bout bad for the kids! Don't play me for no jibba-jabba, fool! Corky screen test, take 27.
So, you're telling me we're dealing with a sort of missing link in the evolutionary chain? I just made a doody in my pants.
You know, Superman had a movie serial as far back as 1948 but the actor playing him had his share of super problems.
Help! Help me, Superman! Help! This looks like a job for Superman! Should we keep going? Yeah? OK.
Uh, uh, uh even Superman can't outrun, uh a bullet! Oh, my face! You hit me in the eye! - Why would you do that? - Hurray! You're saved! Up, up, and away! His lawyers called it "heat exhaustion.
" Remember Diff'rent Strokes? We got our hands on some footage from that classic sitcom that's never been seen before! Someone's been a bad, bad boy! Ow! Ow! - Bad, bad boy! - Ow! Ow! Conrad, Gary, you're on.
Places, everyone.
And, action.
- Who wants ice cream? - We do, we do! Here's a rare blooper from that smash hit cartoon Pokémon.
Pikachu.
Pika, pika! Pika, pi! Squirtle, Squirtle! Squirtle, Squirtle! Pika, pika, Pikachu! Pika, pika! Squirtle, Squirtle! Squirt What the [Bleep.]
am I saying?! No, I mean it! This [Bleep.]
makes no sense at all! Say the line, Earl, or you get the gas.
For the love of Christ, kids, go read a book or something! Next up is something I like to call "Bloopers in Space"! We're in big trouble, Starbuck.
Stop right there, humans! The actors playing those nasty Cylons on Battlestar Galactica had all sorts of problems maneuvering in their bulky costumes.
Just watch! Marker! I recommend That's all the time we have today but come back next week for more outrageous bloopers!
Bush, and I approved this message.
Tacos rule.
This is your brain.
And this is heroin.
This is what happens to your brain on heroin.
And this is what your body goes through.
But it's not over yet.
This is what happens to your grades to your friends And all your stuff! This is what happens to the profits from your grandma's bake sale! This is what happens to the world economy.
And your boyfriend gives you herpes simplex A! And you end up getting a stupid tattoo of a unicorn on your left ass cheek that was supposed to be a bitchin' firebird but you were too strung out to notice at the time! We just want to help! This is what happens to family values! This is what happens to the pollen count! Any questions?! Any questions?! This is the spot! The Decepticons are using the dam below to stockpile energon cubes.
Megatron must be stopped! Autobots, transform and rol Oh! Hold on a second.
Are you OK? Let's get 'em! I shot the hell out of that guy! Good job, everyone! Megatron was defeated with only fifty humans killed in the crossfire.
A new record! - Hurray! - Hurray! Hey, Prowl, have you noticed how often Prime needs to drain the lizard nowadays? Yeah, he must be French, because he's a-peein'.
I think that joke goes, "You're-a-peein'.
" Ha ha.
But I'm not.
Ugh.
Such a Retardicon.
Uh-oh.
I didn't think going to the bathroom so often was a problem but just today, I saw blood in my urine.
Ew! Well, I'd better have a look.
Using the whole fist, doc? It's what I feared prostate cancer.
And it's advanced.
I'm sorry, Prime, but you're going to die.
Hi.
I'm Optimus Prime.
What you've just seen was a dramatization of what you, your friends, and your family go through if you don't get regular prostate exams.
Now, we transformers don't have organic internal organs and can't get cancer.
But you do and you can.
So, get your ass checked out before it's too late, turkeys! This has been a message from the Cybertronian Medical Association.
Reality TV has never been this honest, this brutal! Coming soon it's The World's Most One-sided Fistfights Caught on Film! Television too brutal to watch, yet you can't turn away.
Thursdays at 8 P.
M it's The World's Most One-sided Fistfights Caught on Film! All right, guys, I'll see you back in the yard.
Hey, what the Call a guard.
It, uh it burns when I pee.
What did I just tell you?! This newer tax appropriations bill will result in a My name is Tiffany Montgomery from Clifton, New Jersey and I think Senator Davidson rocks! Whoo! wide-standing ramifications My name is Melanie Fratello from Danbury, Connecticut and I think legislation to cut infrastructure funds 4% in the upcoming fiscal year rules! Whoo! Danbury High Fighting Tigers forever! Whoo-hoo! Yo, coming straight at you, we got an executive session to consider the nominations of three U.
S.
District judges, y'all! Then later on, the Procedure Oversight Committee is holding a public hearing that'll be all up in your grille.
But first, here's the results of our internet poll where you get to decide the next speaker.
And the winner is oh, Byron L.
Dorgan! Oh, yeah! Thank you.
As the representative I'm so hungry.
Hi, Mr.
Hungry.
Can I call you so? Is everyone ready for more of those hilarious bloopers? You know, being a TV reporter isn't all fires and double homicides.
When you can't get your lines right sometimes the biggest story is you! There's nothing like some tasty bamboo especially when you're Ling-Ling who's traveled all the way from China to visit, um uh uh, I'm sorry.
I just don't feel safe next to this animal.
It's completely harmless, Jerry.
Are are are you sure? It's it's just all right, all right.
Still rolling.
There's nothing like a nice piece of bamboo uh, when Crap! Stop being such a wuss! I I I just Fine! Fine! Rolling.
There's, uh, nothing like a nice piece of bamboo especially when You just can't trust the Chinese.
There certainly weren't any chinese in Hazzard County but Bo and Luke had problems of their own! Marker! Ow! My knee! Son of a bitch! Ow! Wait! Wait, John! I'm stuck.
I'm stuck! I'm stuck! When David Duchovny announced he was leaving The X-Files producers had to scramble to find a new male lead.
Check out these never-before-seen screen tests.
Keanu Reeves screen test, take one.
So, you're telling me we're dealing with a sort of missing link in the evolutionary chain? That's right, Scully.
The scientific name for this beast would be Rondonondus marsipius, from the genus Emplyaeclaes.
Mr.
T.
Screen test, take one.
So, you're telling me we're dealing with a sort of missing link You damn right, Scully! Missing link between the bugs and the humans! Talkin' 'bout bad for the kids! Don't play me for no jibba-jabba, fool! Corky screen test, take 27.
So, you're telling me we're dealing with a sort of missing link in the evolutionary chain? I just made a doody in my pants.
You know, Superman had a movie serial as far back as 1948 but the actor playing him had his share of super problems.
Help! Help me, Superman! Help! This looks like a job for Superman! Should we keep going? Yeah? OK.
Uh, uh, uh even Superman can't outrun, uh a bullet! Oh, my face! You hit me in the eye! - Why would you do that? - Hurray! You're saved! Up, up, and away! His lawyers called it "heat exhaustion.
" Remember Diff'rent Strokes? We got our hands on some footage from that classic sitcom that's never been seen before! Someone's been a bad, bad boy! Ow! Ow! - Bad, bad boy! - Ow! Ow! Conrad, Gary, you're on.
Places, everyone.
And, action.
- Who wants ice cream? - We do, we do! Here's a rare blooper from that smash hit cartoon Pokémon.
Pikachu.
Pika, pika! Pika, pi! Squirtle, Squirtle! Squirtle, Squirtle! Pika, pika, Pikachu! Pika, pika! Squirtle, Squirtle! Squirt What the [Bleep.]
am I saying?! No, I mean it! This [Bleep.]
makes no sense at all! Say the line, Earl, or you get the gas.
For the love of Christ, kids, go read a book or something! Next up is something I like to call "Bloopers in Space"! We're in big trouble, Starbuck.
Stop right there, humans! The actors playing those nasty Cylons on Battlestar Galactica had all sorts of problems maneuvering in their bulky costumes.
Just watch! Marker! I recommend That's all the time we have today but come back next week for more outrageous bloopers!