Rosehaven (2016) s01e02 Episode Script

1 (EMMA) Do I have to call you boss or anything? You can if you want.
Or sir, Mr McCallum.
Whatever feels right.
Dum-bum? You know, once we get in there I'm your manager, so prepare to be managed.
Uh.
.
Oh Thank you.
[DOORBELL CHIMES, FAILS.]
- Good morning, Mrs Marsh.
- Oh, hello.
- How are things? - Good.
- Any calls? - No.
- Any messages? - No.
Emails? No.
Good book? No.
Thank you for choosing McCallum Real Estate.
This is Daniel.
Yes, I'd love to sell your house for a billion dollars.
Excuse me, Sir Boss.
First customer? Close.
There's still no milk.
- [DOORBELL CHIMES, FAILS.]
- Ooh, here we go.
Time to real estate.
[DOORBELL CHIMES AND FAILS REPEATEDLY.]
Hi.
Uh, thank you for choosing McCallum Real Estate.
This is I'm Daniel.
Hi.
What can I do for all of you? Where's Barbara? Yeah, we know Even if we had so far to go Even if the pace is slow Oh, I'll be coming home to you again If we find Something to feel that we belong If we can right all the wrongs I'll be coming home to you again Where's Barbara? Uh, she's away at the moment, so I am in charge.
Wait, you're not Danny McCallum, are you? - Daniel.
- I thought you were on the mainland.
Uh, I was.
I came back to You couldn't hack it? You probably don't remember me, do you? Uh Olive.
I'm not surprised.
You and your mother never turned up to any of the Neighbourhood Watch meetings.
Well, to be fair, there's no crime in Rosehaven.
- Thanks to us.
- Nice.
Yeah, sorry, how can I help all of you? The locksmith's retired.
His son Damien's taking over.
Good? Not good.
Damien's a weirdo.
I don't want him with the means to get into my house.
No one here does.
He's odd.
Saw him smelling a bush with no flowers once.
Okay.
Um You tell him he's got no business being Rosehaven's locksmith.
Well, maybe he doesn't want to do it.
Who wants to do their parents' job? It's like, find your own path, right? Sorry.
He wants to do it.
You'll meet him.
You'll see.
You won't want him creeping about in your undergarments.
- Does he do that? - Probably.
And he's a hoarder.
Yeah, sorry, we need a locksmith, so I do not want Damien Nedbits sneaking round my laundry, putting my pegs on himself.
- Why why would he? - Let's go.
[DOORBELL CHIMES AND FAILS REPEATEDLY.]
How's it going? The closest eyebrow place is an hour and a half away.
No, no, locksmiths.
Is there anyone other than Damien? Oh.
One, but he's really far away and he said he'd charge extra.
Maybe we should call Barbara.
No, I don't want to call her with a problem my first day in charge.
I'm sure we can work this out.
Are locksmiths allowed to visit people in jail? I don't know.
Do they check visitors' jobs when you go in? Like, "Hello, I'd like to see my friend.
I'm a demolitions expert"? No, I'm not going to let you in.
Get out of here.
- You're a demolitions expert.
- Is there a problem, Miss? All right.
Can you give him this large, ticking cake, please? I'll find out how much we paid the old locksmith.
Maybe the call-out fee isn't that bad.
Good plan.
I'm going to the op shop.
- What for? - I need clothes.
- Okay.
You can go on your break.
- Great.
No, no, I meant you can go on your break, which is later.
Okay, I'll move it to now.
Okay, but that means you can't take your break later.
Well, who knows what'll happen later.
- Well, I do.
You'll be working.
- See ya! - Hi, excuse me.
I'm - Hello.
- Hi.
- I haven't seen you before.
Are you lost, or? No, I'm just down visiting.
I'm a Rosehaven virgin.
Oh.
So what are you doing here? - Flat tyre, or? - No.
- Do you know Daniel McCallum? - Danny? - Yes.
- There's a Rosehaven virgin.
Glad he's found someone.
Me? Oh, no, we're friends.
Oh.
Poor Danny.
Again.
But he's had sex, on the mainland.
Heaps.
Too much.
Oh.
Well, really.
Well, go, Danny.
Yeah, he's been bangin'.
Anyway, I need some clothes.
- I've only got this and beach wear.
- Oh.
Beach wear? I say dress for the weather you want.
Oh.
Well, what about this blazer? Dying to get rid of it.
Is it haunted? No, Ruby Maxwell brought it in and she's constantly popping by to see if someone's bought it.
I think she regrets giving it away, but she's too proud to buy it back.
- Her husband bought it for her - [PHONE RINGS.]
after he unfriended her on Facebook because her posts were too long.
- And they were too long - Sorry, I just have to take this.
- Sorry.
- Okay.
Hi, Mum.
It's, um good.
I just, uh Listen, Josh and I are having sex right now.
Yeah.
Well, it's our honeymoon, what are we gonna Bali's beautiful, and I will put some photos up not of us having sex.
Okay, I've gotta go.
Sorry about that.
- Is everything all right? - Yeah! Um, do you know, I will take that blazer.
What else have you got? - I'll take this one.
- Yes.
That, and something from over from those stands as well.
- Brown.
- Brown is good.
Love a bit of brown? Yeah, I'll take that one, and that one.
Do you have bags? - So many.
- Great.
- Do you need a hand? - No.
Do you need a porcelain cow? - Thanks.
- How'd you go? Well, I couldn't find out how much we paid the old locksmith because Mrs Marsh wouldn't give me the internet banking password.
Your mother wouldn't want you snooping around on there.
Well, you can't snoop around a business you're in charge of.
I'm sorry.
I, uh called Damien, he charges a lot less than everyone else.
Great.
We'll use him.
Yeah What? Well, he sounded a bit weird.
So? Well, I mean, we need to be able to trust him.
He's going to have access to everyone's homes, so I'm going to go and meet him and see what he's like.
Where? He invited me round to his place.
Yes! What? He's a hoarder.
I still think you should have washed it.
It's fine.
They wash them.
Yeah, I don't think they do.
Oh, well.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
(MAN) Yeah? Hi, Damien.
Uh, I'm Daniel.
This is Emma.
From McCallum Real Estate.
I know.
I wasn't expecting anyone else.
- Have a seat.
- [GASPS DELIGHTEDLY.]
- Oh! Magazines! - Thanks for coming over.
I don't like going out unless I have to.
Do you know you could sell these to dentists? Um yeah, yeah.
Looks like you've got everything here.
Do you know all of the things you have? Like, do you know what's in that box? Not sure.
And you don't feel trapped? No.
I find it comforting.
It is a bit, isn't it? I always thought I'd be a hoarder.
You know, if I had more stuff.
I was expecting it to be more hoardery.
Like, no offence, but it's just kind of cluttered.
You can have a look around if you like.
Yes, please.
Uh, yeah, so, um Damien, thanks for inviting us over.
I wanted to meet you if we were going to be working together.
[CLATTERING.]
So your Dad's retired? Yes.
And you're planning on taking over his business? Yeah.
I can do odd jobs too.
Painting, maintenance.
Whatever.
What's this? Uh, that's the bottle cap of every beer I've ever drunk.
Amazing.
So is there a code of ethics for locksmiths? - Um - I just cut keys.
Sure.
You've never been to jail, or? - What? - Nothing.
I love your place.
Do you guys want some Frangelico? - Oh! - No, we should be going.
We just got here.
Is this is this a box of just left-handed gloves? Yeah.
Yeah, the right ones are over there.
Really? So you'll call me when you need me? Um yeah, well.
.
I found a match! [GASPS.]
What's that? Ooh, troll dolls! I like him.
Upstanding citizen.
Completely trustworthy.
Good cook, I imagine.
You're not worried about your undergarments? What? No.
Didn't even think about him in my undergarments.
Shut up.
I can kind of see why Olive's worried.
- Why? - Well, he's a bit odd.
So what? Gherkins are odd, and they're delicious.
They just get a bad rap because they look gross, and gherkin is the worst word ever.
- I reckon 'brittle' is.
- What? Brittle.
When is something good if it's brittle? - Peanut brittle.
- Hey.
Oh! You forgot this.
- Oh, um, my wallet.
- Mm-hm.
- Thanks, Damien.
- See ya.
You're welcome.
For what? Honesty test.
I left your wallet in there, and he didn't steal anything.
Well, why didn't you use your wallet? - How'd you get - Would you focus? That guy is a good guy.
Okay.
Where'd you get a basketball? Mrs Marsh gave it to me.
I thought you two might like to have a play.
You used to love basketball, Daniel.
Yeah, well, I'm not a kid anymore.
I'm sorry, Mrs Marsh, that was rude.
Damien, pros and cons.
Pros, he lives here.
He's cheap.
He's got at least 25 toasters.
Is that a pro? Cons, nothing.
This is stupid.
Let's play basketball.
Em What have you got against hoarders? Nothing.
It's just this is the first decision I've ever made for the business.
I want to make sure it's the right one.
Did you call Greg to see if he has a criminal record? Yes.
And no.
You did call him? Yeah.
And no to the other bit.
- About him having a record? - Yes.
Damien doesn't have a record? No, Damien doesn't have a record.
See, by saying such a short answer at the start, it's your fault this interaction took so long.
He's just trying to follow in his dad's footsteps and everyone is against him.
Remind you of anyone? Yeah, you're right.
I'll call him.
Besides, Olive and the Neighbourhood Watch can't tell me how to run my own business.
I'll book a meeting with them at the pub.
Now you're sounding like a Sir Boss.
- You should get a briefcase.
- I'll get two briefcases.
You'll need two briefcases to hold all your mother's respect.
[HORNS HONKING, BEEPING.]
This is crazy.
How many people are there in the Neighbourhood Watch? Oh, heaps.
Olive's very passionate about it.
She's very persuasive about memberships.
And you're sure Damien's trustworthy? Oh, yeah, no problems at all.
His dad was great.
Really kind, generous.
Olive's just being Olive.
Damien's a good kid.
Right.
Course it could just mean he never got caught.
Thanks, Dave.
Hey, great blazer.
You can't have it back, Ruby.
[SIGHS.]
(GRACE) Hi.
Grace, hi.
Um, are you in the Neighbourhood Watch too? No, and I normally avoid the meetings, but I heard you'll be standing up to Olive.
Oh, not really standing up to her You'll be great, if you do a good speech.
Thanks.
Um so do you come here, to this bar? I should have just said 'often'.
I was trying to put my own spin on it.
The pub? In the daytime? Not usually, but maybe I should.
Forming positive social relationships can increase a person's lifespan to an equal or greater extent than physical exercise.
I try and do both.
Oh, Dan, Dan Gez has got this metal detector and Hi, Grace and Daniel, talking.
- Hi.
- You know Gez.
Yes.
Hey, Gez.
- Welcome back, Danny.
- Daniel.
I hear you're having a lot of sex on the mainland.
Come on, we should probably get started.
Oh You ready? Can't I just tell them all individually? No.
Just read out your statement.
I'll be right here.
Okay.
Ooh, do you want me to do a joke at the start? - Warm the crowd up? - What's the joke? - It involves the C-word.
- No.
Your loss.
- Here we go.
- Wait, wait, wait Ting, ting, ting, ting, ting, ting, ting! [CLEARS THROAT.]
Hi.
Um Uh, hi.
Thank you for for coming.
Firstly I'd like to thank Dave for letting us use the pub today.
No worries, you can pay me at the end.
Sorry? Pay? Why? You've displaced my regular customers.
- We are your regular customers.
- Shut up, Phil.
Are we having this meeting or not, Danny? Daniel.
Yes.
I understand you don't, uh, want Damien Nedbits to take over as locksmith.
- Correct.
- Right.
Well, I have it on good authority that Damien is an upstanding citizen and fully capable of performing this position, as confirmed by Officer Greg Hardwick.
He's in the toilet.
I still don't trust him.
His dad was the last locksmith.
- I don't care.
- No, no.
Em's right.
He's just trying to take over the family business.
We're not going to stop him doing it.
In fact McCallum Real Estate will be using his services for all our locksmithing and handyman needs.
If he [ALL TALK AMONGST THEMSELVES.]
Fine.
But if he screws up, it's your head.
Well, that's a bit dramatic.
And as a gesture of goodwill, we are willing to allow you to buy us a drink to consolidate the agreement.
[ALL CHEER.]
Okay, well, one each, and beer only.
- I'll try a sangria, Dave.
- Me too! [GENERAL HUBBUB.]
We should have beer work meetings in pubs every day.
- [PHONE RINGS.]
- Yeah, don't get used to it.
Thank you for choosing McCallum Real Estate.
This is Daniel.
(BARBARA) Bloody long intro.
- Hi, Mum.
How are you? - Bored.
Waiting to go into surgery.
It's taking forever.
What's the latest? Are there ants in the kitchenette? - No.
- Good.
Hey, I tried to get into the online banking today, and I think you might have forgotten to give me the password.
You don't need it.
No Well, I do No, you don't need to look into the banking.
Mum, I'm not embezzling Just answer the phone and stay out of the finances.
I'll fix it when I'm back.
Fix it? Finally! Only 30 minutes late.
Is that a record for you guys? I gotta go.
[HANGS UP.]
Love you [RUSTLING, CLATTERING.]
What's going on? Hi, mate! Oh, check it out.
Jean hat! Gez, who knows everything about everyone, by the way, said the previous owner got his foot run over by a tractor, but after he got rid of the hat, so I figure it's good luck.
Are you okay? Yeah! It's just you're rummaging through a bunch of garbage bags in the middle of the night.
[SIGHS.]
Mum won't stop calling, asking how the honeymoon's going, and I don't know enough about Bali to keep lying to her, so I've started telling her population stats from Wikipedia.
- Well, just tell her you're here.
- No! I don't want to deal with it.
That's why I'm here.
Oh, saucepan clock! I'll be fine.
Go back to bed.
No, I can't sleep either.
- Bladder problems? - No.
I just I don't think the business is in as good a shape as Mum let on.
She wouldn't give me the banking password.
Oh.
How bad is it? I don't know, but I'm assuming if she won't let me look, it's in the red.
Is that the good one? Hmm? I never know if in the red or in the black is good.
- They both sound bad.
- Red red is bad.
- Red is bad.
- Red is bad.
- What's green? - There is no green.
Okay.
Honestly, what do you think? It's gooooood.
It's for you.
- The hat was a joke.
- Oh, thank God.
[DOORBELL CHIMES, FAILS.]
Mrs Marsh put new batteries in.
Hi, Greg! Are you okay? Uh, yeah.
Just a bit of a mob.
A mob? Yeah, when people got home after the meeting, they noticed stuff was missing, and Olive did a ring-around and now they're all blaming Damien.
- Oh, no.
- What stuff? Oh, appliances, tools, bits and pieces.
Nothing worth that much, but they're furious.
And now they've gone around there to give it to him get it from him.
Well, both, really.
It could get nasty.
I need you to come and talk 'em down.
Yeah, let's go! You've got the police on your side.
One.
Yeah, but he's got a gun, right, Greg? [LAUGHS.]
I wish.
Hang on, Greg, can't you have a first pass at sorting it out and then come and grab me if you need? - Come on.
This is our fault.
- Our fault? - You did vouch for him.
- So did you! I think they could be headed here next unless we get it sorted.
- Shotgun front seat! - [DOORBELL CHIMES, FAILS.]
All right, just let me get my I don't know what you bring to a mob.
Let's go.
[SHOUTING.]
(MAN) Show yourself, please! (OLIVE) Damien Nedbits, get out here now! Come on! Come out and deny it! Say you haven't been breaking into our homes and stealing our things! I want my footbath! My feet are disgusting! (MAN) Arrest him! Please return to your homes.
Oh, stay out of it, Greg.
I did what I could.
I can talk to him.
We understand each other.
Did he just go through a break-up too? What? Oh, I heard about the honeymoon stuff.
Don't worry, your secret's safe with me.
Though to be fair, I'm usually the last one told.
- I didn't tell anyone.
- I know.
- (DAMIEN) Hi, guys.
- [SHOUTING CONTINUES.]
- Can we come in? - Sure.
- Sorry about the honeymoon.
- [GROANS ANGRILY.]
Yeah, so you know how there's a group of angry people on your front lawn? - Yeah.
- I feel like I should join them, okay? - I stood up for you - Thanks, mate.
No, I shouldn't have, because you broke into their houses and took No, he didn't take anything! - No, I did.
- Dammit.
[SHOUTING.]
Damien, is everything in there stolen? Oh, no, I didn't steal anything.
You're an apologist for the establishment.
Settle down, everybody.
Just just settle down.
- Really! - Just piss off, Greg.
Now, I know you don't mean that.
I'll leave you to it.
Did you fire him? Send him out.
Listen, he did take some stuff - Uh - I knew it! - No, no, let me finish.
- Wait till Barbara hears about this.
No, no, no, he only took the stuff his dad loaned to all of you.
The stuff you never gave back.
What? Well, the stuff you never returned, like Olive.
You've had his dad's lawnmower since 2010.
No, I got that mower from Frank? Where's Frank? Frank, it's been three and a half years.
You must have watched the Godfather DVDs by now.
Not the third one.
I've been flat out.
And Phil? You've had his dad's fishing rod, fold-up chair, esky He wasn't using any of that stuff.
Well, I'm gonna go off script and say that's because you had them.
Ruby, you've had his blender for a year now.
Steve? Where's Steve? And in here, just sponges.
Never been wet.
You must be so mad at them.
I don't really get mad.
It gives me headaches.
I do.
Bloody Gez! Now everyone knows.
Yeah, but now everyone knows.
Want to fill up the bath and see if we can absorb all the water if we tip these sponges in? Yes, please.
Damien's dad was one of the most generous people in Rosehaven and you all took advantage.
You knew he wasn't going to ask for any of that stuff back.
Hang on, he's still trespassing on private property.
Oh, shut up, Olive.
Good one, Phil.
(GRACE) Good to see someone finally stand up to Olive.
- Hi.
- She's a difficult patient.
Keeps bringing me handouts from the internet and saying, "I have this, fix it.
" Yeah, she's she's tricky to deal with.
I didn't think real estate would involve so many speeches.
- Oh, I'm freezing.
Let's go.
- Hi, Grace! - What happened? - Sponge fight.
Well, don't get in the car like that! Oh [SIGHS.]
312 sponges? Give or take.
I'm glad you were keeping busy while I was dealing with an angry mob.
I was on my break.
Why are you so upset? We did good.
Is it the banking stuff? Yeah.
I just wish Mum'd tell me what's going on.
She will.
She's probably just - Insert good reason.
- That's pretty lazy.
- Sorry.
- [PHONE RINGS.]
You gonna tell her? Might as well.
Gez has probably already told her.
Aloha! I'm good, Mum.
Um, listen, just quickly uh so I'm not in Bali.
We broke up.
I'm in Tasmania with Daniel and I'm going to stay here for now.
That's not true.
I've done heaps more immature things.
Okay, I've gotta go.
Bye.
Hey, if I get this in, everything works out brilliantly for both of us, personally and financially, and all our wildest dreams come true.
You got this.
[THUMP, CLATTER!.]
- I'm cold.
- One more.
[DOG WHINES.]