Run the Burbs (2022) s01e02 Episode Script

1 Okay, Phams, let's do this.
All right, one minute 'til go-time.
No pressure, but if we blow this, our little guy doesn't get to go to day camp - and live his best life.
- Helpful.
Just follow my sneaker copping system and we're golden.
Yep, nine devices, nine tabs each.
Limitless possibilities.
81 possibilities.
Okay, this is it! Three, two, one Refresh! - No.
- Anything? - Not yet.
- Soccer's full.
- Any camp on the list! - Basketball's full.
Online camp registration! I mean, put me in a room with these people, and then we'll see what's what.
- Math camp's full? - I'm in! Get it, get it, get it! Okay! Uh-oh.
Buffering.
Do I refresh? - Okay, well I - Uh well Do I refresh?! - Refresh! - Hit refresh! Okay, okay, okay.
Leo Pham Registered.
Clutch! What'd you get me?! Sleepaway camp at Lake McClung.
Whoa! Sick! Hey, the list said no sleepaways.
Okay, at least I got something.
10 to 16 year olds? They're gonna mix our baby boy with a bunch of depraved teenage monsters? - I'm not a baby! - Yeah, he's more of a monster.
- Thank you, Khia.
- It's fine.
They'll challenge him to try new things.
Like what? Drugs? Sleep away! Sleep away! He doesn't even have the emotional maturity to know that he hates this.
Come on.
He's fine.
Oh, there's robotics club.
I guess it timed out.
Sleep away, sleep away, sleep away, sleep away.
Sleep away, sleep away.
Yes, please.
Why are you getting all weird with that freezie? 'Cause our janky AC is cranked and I'm still sweating.
All right, I'm gonna go to Bubble Bae.
Oh! Are you meeting friends? No, just gonna sit with my sketchbook.
Oh, well, you could do that here.
Uh, nothing here inspires me.
Seriously? Oh, okay.
Sorry.
It's fine.
Maybe I'll join you.
They always have the AC blasted in there.
Can you not, actually? It's just I think better when I'm alone.
So, if I stay in this hot house by myself you'll be happier? - Yes.
- Very well.
Thank you.
No one likes your generation.
I heard you.
Oh! There's a fan, an ice pack for this heat.
What else? Okay.
You got a first aid kit, marshmallows, hiking boots.
This water bottle, make sure you drink it every day.
Mosquito gloves, iodine tablets, mace.
Are you sure I need all of this? Are you sure you don't? One more thing.
Is that a burner phone? How do you know about Yes, it's a burner phone.
For emergencies, like if you see a bear, or if you miss me.
You know you don't have to go.
Is someone making you go? - Is it Mom? - She just said to have fun.
- Thinks she's so cool.
- Okay, I'm ready.
Sarah, do you have everything? - Bye, guys.
- Bye, Dad.
- I love you! - Love you too! I love you three! And call me if you hate it and miss me and you wanna come home! So make the most of it! Make the most of your summer too! I'll see you in a few days, but, sure! We don't leave for a half hour.
I got nowhere to be.
Don't forget about me.
Okay, I won't.
You know I don't usually do full-service, right? Yeah.
Damn! Khia, that's really good! Nah, I'm just doodling.
Yeah, girl, I can barely draw a stick man.
- Stick person.
- Fair.
I think my work is really just an extension of my creative self.
Yeah.
Uh, hey.
Do you paint? 'Cause you could really go to town on that patch of wall back there.
Nah, I'm not too good with a roller.
I mean, like, paint a mural.
Really? Like what? I dunno.
You're the artist.
Go to town.
Have fun with it.
Yeah, I can do that.
Come on.
I got some paints in the back.
Um And I'm getting paid for this? All-you-can-drink peach lemonade? Cha-ching.
Oh, buddy, rough drop-off for Leo? He didn't even cry.
- You give him the burner? - Yeah! I think he's ghosting me.
Hey, don't worry about.
He's just enjoying his freedom.
You know, just, just give him some space.
Hey, you still on for that barbeque later? I really, really want you and Camille to meet Shadee.
- What happened to, uh, Enya? - Anya.
She was cool, but You know, that sexy baby voice? She's like I'ma put it on you.
Turned out to be her real voice.
- Oh! - Which I liked.
But then she broke up with me.
- Sorry, man.
- It's all good.
So, I will see you tonight, right? I already told Shadee y'all'd be there.
For sure, brother.
I promise.
Oh, and tell Camille not to bring anything.
She always makes my food look like trash.
No promises.
What up, Sebastian? Hey, uh, it's a housewarming gift.
You're overthinking it.
For who? Yeah, uh New pool house owners moved in.
Camille's gonna be psyched! Yeah, but I didn't get them a weed whacker, so I don't know why you'd even ask me that.
- Is that my weed whacker? - Dude! You're, like, obsessed with weed whackers.
What's wrong with you? The heat's fried your mind.
Babe! Babe? - It's happening! - What? Are those frozen peas? What? I run hot.
I'll wipe them off before I put them back.
Is everything okay with Leo? Oh, no.
That's a nightmare.
I didn't give him a sunscreen routine and he's not answering his phone Wait.
What phone? Pool house! New people moved in! - What? - We get another shot, baby! We need that sweet pool access.
It's time.
Operation Crown Jewel Pool.
No, that's clunky.
Operation Cool Pool! Pool Cool? No, Cool Pool.
Pool-mageddon 4: The Neighbouring.
Oh, that's not bad.
I don't care who these people are.
We are breaking our friendship curse with that house.
Okay, I'm checking the Realtor website.
I got the socials.
Okay, braggy blog post, blah, blah, blah, shameless self-promotion, yadda, yadda, ya Got it.
Bill and Nicole Healy.
Damn! Someone call TLC 'cause you just Creeped.
Okay, Bill and Nicole, what is your dealio? Babe, you got that crazy look in your eyes that kinda scares me, but I never wanted you more.
Aw.
Les mois d'été s'il faut que je me défende M'ont redonné Done.
Les mois d'été n'ont pas de jour N'ont pas de nuit This is Wow! Wow.
I didn't realize you had such a strong voice.
Is that a tampon missile? Yeah, it's a statement on the pink tax, and the falling money's about the gender wage gap, and the blood rain is, obviously, period stigma.
Obviously.
- And the hairy armpit? - Climate change.
And resisting patriarchal beauty standards.
Sure, sure, sure, sure, totally, totally the right vibe for a laid-back bubble tea place.
I just think people should be more focused on fixing the world.
And that's what I'm saying with my art.
And I'm getting that.
Mostly from the - Armpit? - Totally.
Hey, think the glove too much? No.
It's relevant and memorable.
- Exactly what we wanna be.
- Okay, let's ride.
Too easy.
Gone in 60 seconds.
Welcome to the neighbourhood! Oh! I'm Camille Pham, and this is my wonderful husband Andrew.
Andy, if we're friendly.
We're over at 24, across the street.
Oh, well, I'm Nicole and this is Bill.
Love the glove, Andy.
Why thank you, Matey! We brought you some treats.
We've got some meatballs, cheese balls, gulab jambu.
Hey, these are all shaped like little golf balls.
- Weird.
- Oh.
- You a big golfer? - Ah, guilty! With all the eagles, and birdies, and tigers and what have you.
Mm.
Well, you really nailed our favourites.
It's almost like you were creeping us online.
What? No! Who doesn't bring Swedish duck balls to a neighbourhood meet'n'greet? Ah! Oh, here.
Oh, wow! These look amazing.
I have a little online following, NBD, @CamPham232, if you wanna check it out.
More where that came from.
That is fantastic.
I told you we'd meet some friendly folks out here.
Yeah, if you ever wanna hang out, like, here, outside, here, wherever, no presh.
Well, what about poolside? You have a pool! Here! Well, why don't you come over later? We'll have some mangia.
Ah, mangia, lounge-ia, hang out by the pool-gia.
Well, is that a "yes?" Yarrr.
Yes.
It was a pleasure to meet both of you.
- Oh, yes! - Yeah! You're not gonna believe who got eliminated this week.
- No spoilers - Rachel! So sorry.
Is that new? It's, uh, it's kinda Yeah.
Uh, is that Greta Thunberg on the money? Composition's not great.
Not great? It's like a metaphorical sledgehammer to my face! It's nuanced, okay? Oh, my God.
Khia, I'm so sorry.
- Is it yours? - No.
Oh, phew.
Oh, my God.
I mean, listen, we love all art, even this Neo-expressionist stuff, but that? It's derivative.
So, you guys know a lot about art, and you think that that's terrible.
That's cool.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Listen, hey.
We're talking about it.
That's all that matters.
And besides, art, it's supposed to make you feel something and that piece That makes me feel something.
Yeah.
Oh, my gosh.
Stop texting Leo.
Phone? Leo doesn't have a phone.
Just let him have some fun.
Is a face tattoo fun? Kind of.
Okay, which one of these says "effortless cool pool plus best friend material" the most, both right? What's wrong? Is it Leo? I totally forgot! I told Hudson we'd go over later to meet Shadee.
Just reschedule.
But he keeps asking, and he's all vulnerable about it.
Okay, this is a salt water pool that I conjured into reality.
It's manifestation in action.
You don't reject the flow.
- Hey, I live for the flow.
- Okay.
But, he really likes her and I promised.
Okay, I sit at a desk from sunrise to sunset.
Summer.
It lasts like five days.
So I need this.
I need this.
Okay, okay, I'll cancel.
- Okay.
- Oh! - I'm sorry.
- That's okay.
Now, if anyone needs me, I'll be shoving my face in the freezer.
How are you not overheating? Hudson! About the barbeque.
So, you won't believe this, but this old lady got a flat tire, so we gave her one of our tires.
Now we're down a tire.
Oh, sweet God.
Mama's home.
Nicole? Bill? The Phams have arrived! Well, well.
Well.
Imagine my surprise when they tell me that you two are on your way here.
Hope you got the little old lady to her choir practice on time? Oh, yeah.
It was a miracle! Oh, yeah.
I bet.
And you found the eagle that stole your car keys? God, you get so specific with your lies! I'm so sorry, Hudson.
I didn't know how to tell you! The truth? It really wasn't his fault, okay? It's like, growing up, I didn't have it easy Hi.
I'm Shadee by the way.
Oh, yes! Oh, my God! - We've been dying to meet you.
- I'm sorry.
Hudson's been keeping you from us! - Lovely to meet you.
- So nice to meet you.
Yeah.
Well, thankfully, these people do want to be our friends.
- Okay.
- You know what? You know what? I think that maybe I should warn them about you two.
Oh, don't you dare sully us, Hudson.
Okay, these are our rightful pool owner friends with a pool.
Are they though? Because, I don't know about that.
You don't understand! Growing up, I didn't have it easy.
Yay! Oh, everyone's here! - Come, come.
- Mango lemonade? - Get us all in the mood.
- Yes, please.
Sounds delish! Looked better before.
I still have some tweaking to do.
It's not ready yet.
You might be overestimating the exposure you get on this.
Steve, Elena! What's up? Uh, let's not sit over there.
We always sit at the back.
And, what's the surprise? Just tricking you guys to come hang out.
So, you lied to us? Is that a tampon rocket? Uh.
Whoa, Cathy.
What's that? The blood rain's period stigma.
I remember that.
It's kinda out of place, isn't it? Like, devir derivative? I guess.
Just trying to support local talent.
What were you thinking? You're weirdly fired up today, Khia.
Yeah, I mean, who cares? It's just some painting.
Well, it is a bold statement.
I don't really feel that.
Well, we're talking about it.
Aren't we? Yeah, can we not? Yeah.
Okay.
Your home is beautiful.
Yeah, I was gonna say the same, but she said it first, but I feel the same, probably more.
Be cool, babe.
Well, thank you.
We really love it out here.
I mean, the pool, right? It's just so sensual.
Yes! Very sensual.
You know, maybe we should bust out the floaties - and hop in! - Hey.
Well, let's circle back to that later.
First, we'd love to feel you out.
Get to know you better.
- I like pools.
- I agree with Bill.
Let's just, uh, you know, get to know each other.
Right? Like, uh, speaking of floaties.
Andrew, remember that story you told me about you pinching a loaf in the pool? No! That was a funny misunderstanding.
You see, when Andrew was young Some terrible kids dared him to put some chocolate bars in a pool.
- I didn't poop in a pool! - City had to drain it! City had to drain it.
It was in the paper, yeah.
To me it sounds like you were just peer pressured.
I was.
Thank you, Shadee.
One time, my friends made me throw a microwave off an overpass.
Oh, she's a real firecracker.
Wow.
The point I'm trying to make about the prank is that, a prank like that really makes you question someone's judgement.
Judgement? Right.
From the guy who leaves his Christmas lights on all year.
- What? - Ew! - It's festive.
- Festive or insane? Oh, I'm loving the passion.
I think we invited the right people over.
- Mm, Bill, I think it's time.
- Indeed.
Friends, if you'll excuse us, we'll be right back.
Okay! I told you that story in confidence! Y'all said my lights make the neighbourhood look warm! Anyone else getting a real Eyes Wide Shut vibe from those two? I don't care what they do as long as we can watch from the pool.
Thought you left with your deadbeat friends.
I'm just gonna paint over it.
Wait.
What? - Why? - I don't know.
I just don't think I like people seeing my art.
- It kinda ruins it.
- Okay? Everyone's like "It's bad.
" "It's nothing.
" "It's " But didn't you say something about your work being an extension of your inside voice or - Creative self.
- Right, that.
So, I don't know if the healthy thing to do is hide part of yourself.
Do you think it's good? Okay, look.
First, skinny jeans were in.
And then it was straight-legged jeans and then bellbottoms came back.
And then it was high-waisted, and low-waisted, and then cropped jeans were in.
And then it was ripped jeans, then I and then skinny jeans were back.
You just you need to find your own jeans, you know? Okay.
Hey! Oh, hey, Mannix.
- What's up? - Oh, nothing much.
My dad's on a date with what's-her-face? Wow! This is really cool.
There's so much Nuance? Huh.
Yeah.
I was actually gonna say blood, but, nuance, definitely nuance.
Still nothing from Leo.
He's probably all hopped up on yimyams! - What the Hell are yimyams? - I don't know! But the 16-year-olds in his camp probably do.
Maybe it's not meant to be.
- Like this friendship.
- Hey! - Folks, we have a secret.
- Mm-mm-mm.
- If I see a sex mask, I'm gone.
- Yep.
We feel really close to you all.
And we believe in striking when the iron is hot.
Carpe that Diem, right? So, we have to ask.
Have you ever heard of the power of This is gonna get weird.
Saskatoon berry powder? Oh, no.
How about sulfate-free Himalayan water? This feels like white people stuff.
Or these oxygen scented candles? Isn't everything oxygen scented? - What is this? - It's an MLM.
It's the opportunity of a lifetime, folks.
At Chorj Health, we turn health into wealth.
What's a Chorj? Some call it multilevel marketing.
- We call it a miracle.
- Mm-hm.
Now, we've put together a long-form presentation for you, so get comfortable.
Yeah, you're not gonna let us swim unless we sign up, are you? - Correct.
- The Hell with it.
How much to get the four us into that pool? Two tubs of protein powder plus a one year refill subscription, and you sign up to be sales reps.
No signing, no subs, one tub.
Six tubs, two month sub.
One tub.
One time.
If we don't hit our quarterlies, we'll get demoted to gold status.
We cannot go back to being doctors.
One tub.
Take it or leave it.
The real perks come when you sell though.
You should really consider Fine.
Deal.
You did it, babe! - One tub closer to elite.
- Oh, shut up, Bill.
Oh, uh, I'm really getting to know your friends.
Aw, there he is! How was it, little man? Awesome! I got 11 marshmallows in my mouth at once.
What did I tell you? Practice.
Yeah! Except this one kid picked on me.
Damn teenage punks! Point him out.
- Was it you? - We were the same age! Anyway, then he fell during the ropes course and I stayed with him until the nurse came, and then we made up a dance routine for the closing campfire.
We did backflips! Everyone loved it.
Even the kids with moustaches! Glad you had fun, buddy.
- I really missed you.
- I missed you too.
He was gone for three days.
Relax.
Who hurt you?