Ryan Hansen Solves Crimes on Television (2017) s01e02 Episode Script
Jane D'Oh!
Whoo-whoo! We got straight up picked up, y'all! Pilot to series, suckas! YouTube Red is in da hiz-ouse with seven count them seven more eps of this bad boy right in your pie hole! Bam! YTR guys said there was a "less than normal" viewership loss from this crazy viral twerking cat video that they linked us to.
"Less than normal" Their words, not mine.
Crushing it! BT-dubs, I want to give a shoutout to my co-star, the honorable Detective Jessica Mathers.
Ugh.
I mean, she really made me better in every scene.
Chemistry is a two-way street, okay? 'Cause sometimes you have stoplights, sure, and sometimes there are unprotected left-hand turns.
But you got to keep going.
Because traffic, right? But I'm not gonna let this show go to my head.
No.
I'm all about finding my center, staying grounded, staying mindful.
And that's why I'm out here reconnecting with nature.
It's just so real up here, away from the hustle and bustle of the L.
A.
scene, you know? So rejuvenating, a real flow state out here in the wild, away from the hashtag grind.
I mean, honestly, I do not know how the writers are gonna improve on the pilot.
It's such a barn burner! It's, like, how do you top opening on a dead body? Two dead bodies.
What the fuck are you wearing? Oh, it's for an audition later.
Oh.
Is it to be a talking hand job? Because you're nailing it.
No, it's for "Hamilton," the musical.
They serve dinner during it? Ha-ha.
No, it's for the movie version.
They're doing, like, this action reimagining of it without the songs.
Going in for Aaron Burr.
He's, like, the co-lead.
He was played by a black guy in the original, but originally originally, he was a white guy, so I'm kind of right for it.
But, like, not in a racist way or anything.
More like returning to the source material or whatever.
Look at me.
Look at my eyes.
I literally do not give a fuck.
Move.
Oh! Hilarious.
Great delivery.
Anyhow, been binge-watching that milk commercial like a million times to really get inside his head as a character.
Doing a deep dive on this one.
Pete Berg is directing.
I hear all the actors are gonna go through Navy SEAL training for it.
How cool is that, right? I mean, if I get this, it could totally change my career.
Anyway, I'm wearing this period plumage just to really, fully immerse myself in the role.
Streep says 80% of acting is wardrobe, so Unfortunately, the other 20% is you.
Now, if you wouldn't mind shutting the fuck up so I can do my job Our job for seven more episodes, guaranteed.
Partner.
Come on.
Hey, you You first on? Yeah.
Yeah, I was just down the block when the call came through, came right over.
Oh! Ryan! - What's good, Frank? - Yes! Good to see you, bud.
- Wait, you you know him? - What, Frank? Of course I know Frank.
The Frank-enator.
The Frank-enstein! Watch out! Here I come! Oh, man, everybody down at the precinct loves this guy.
- Come on.
- Oh, hey, speaking of which, you still owe me 20 bucks, Hansen.
You better be joking right now, 'cause you didn't eat the whole thing.
- That was the bet.
- Oh, come on.
I got it in my mouth, at least.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, sorry to interrupt international grab-ass hour, but do you guys mind knocking it off? - Sorry.
- Sorry, Detective.
Now, run it for me.
It happened last night.
No signs of forced entry, nothing missing from the house as far as we can tell.
No witnesses.
Neighbors found them this morning.
- It's pretty thin.
- We got names? John Smith and Jane Doe.
Wait, you haven't I.
D.
'd them yet? No, those are their real names.
God, I hate this town.
- Is this his place? - Yeah.
Yeah.
She lives off Melrose with a roommate.
And do we know what's in the vial? Not yet.
Lab boys are spinning it now.
Thank you, Officer.
Thank you, sir or, ma'am.
Off I'm just gonna go with "Detective," we're gonna call it that.
Okay, Detective.
All right.
See you at poker night.
- Hell, yeah.
- All right, buddy.
What's your read on this one? Well, they're dead.
Mm.
Same, same.
What do you make of their outfits? Maybe they found out they were auditioning for the same role as you and decided to kill themselves out of shame.
No chance.
These aren't working actors.
Mnh-mnh not with those haircuts.
Okay, Little Lord Fauntleroy, what you're looking at here is your garden-variety murder suicide with a sprinkle of Los Angeles-normal cosplay thrown in for funsies.
Quick version yada, yada, motivation, she stabs him.
Ugh! Then tosses back whatever Hemlock Light is in that vial there to off herself.
No forced entry, his blood literally on her hands.
Adds up pretty clean.
And that's what bothers me about it.
It's too clean.
Oh! That was so sick, such a good line, total trailer moment.
"It's too clean.
" Right? Oh! Can I give you a note, though? I think you could zhuzh it up a little bit.
Check this out.
That's what bothers me about it.
It's too clean.
Right? Better.
Now, you might want to consider, maybe, a toothpick, maybe a match in your mouth, you know, like, you're always chewing on something.
Could be your thing, I don't know.
Plus, you know, mouth props.
You're a mouth prop.
Come on.
What? Where we going? To Jane Doe's house to talk to her roommate.
Ooh, ooh! Or a red coffee straw, like she's addicted to caffeine, but we never come out and say it.
Like, a total mystery, baller back story.
- Jesus.
- What? Hello! Yeah, they're dead.
Why don't you take that thing off? It's, like, 100 degrees out.
No way.
Art is suffering.
Yeah, especially when you do it.
You make fun, but I'm going to nail this audition tonight.
Wait, your audition's tonight? Yeah.
9:00 p.
m.
They hold auditions that late? Yeah.
It's sort of like an after-hours thing.
The assistant associate casting director said I should come in after they're closed.
I guess she doesn't want me to intimidate the other actors, you know, keep it on the low.
Plus, I paid her 200 bucks.
So, it's a secret audition? Exactly.
I'm pretty much the "Zero-Dark-Thirty" of auditioning.
Swoop in at night, kill Osama you know, in this case, Osama would be the audition, not, like, a real person.
So, we better solve this case by 9:00 p.
m.
or you are on your own, 'cause nothing is gonna keep me from landing this one, baby.
Set alarm for 9:00 p.
m.
, the moment my life changes forever.
True change comes from within.
Stupid phone.
Okay.
So, what do we know about this place? We know she lived here.
Mm-hmm.
Good.
Strong clue.
Just shut up and let me do the talking.
Hey, you think I should have a badge? No.
- Really? - Yes.
- Why? - Because you're a moron, and it would be illegal, but mostly the first part.
How am I supposed to give an authentic performance if they won't let me have a gun or a badge? I guess you'll just have to rely on the suspension of disbelief.
Huh? Just stay here, all right? I'm gonna take a look around back.
Hey, what do I do if someone comes to the door? Just tell them the British are coming.
I'm from San Diego.
That literally makes no sense.
Do I have a boyfriend? Why? You want to take me out sometime? I'm making some popcorn.
Mathers! Hey! Gonna watch a video.
Yeah.
Mathers! Oh! Aah! Yeah, I love scary movies.
Clooney! Aah! Ugh! Yo! What the hell, man? Who are you? I'm Ryan Hansen.
Who? Ryan Hansen, Nickelodeon Slimetime-nominated actor.
I just totally saved your life, baby.
You think you saved my life? - Yeah.
- From who? The killer, duh.
I think he broke my arm.
That's my scene partner, douche.
We're rehearsing.
Whoa, Jesus! Dingbat, what the fuck did you do? Hey, my bad, dawg.
It's good, right? What's up, man? Sorry, man.
Ryan Hansen.
Clooney! Did you really yell "Clooney" before attacking? George Clooney is my spirit animal.
Well, your spirit animal is about to get this city in a serious Goddamn lawsuit.
That slapdick Spielberg you assaulted is threatening to sue.
- Captain, it was an honest - No, Detective, you don't get to talk.
You're already on thin ice.
Honestly, if I had a badge, I don't think any of this would have happened.
- You want a badge? - Yeah.
Then become a real cop and stop dressing up like you're in "The Nutcracker.
" Oh, no, no, this is for my "Hamilton" audition.
It's period authentic.
Well, I'm period-authentic pissed off.
More genre-authentic, but I totally honor that feeling.
And before we dialogue any further on this, can I just say that I think it's such a cool cosmic coincidence that you and the old Captain Jackson share the same last name.
Are you guys related? Why? 'Cause we're both black? I honestly didn't notice.
I don't I don't see color, I just see people and auras.
Captain, I let him out of my sight for two seconds.
It was a mistake, and it won't happen again.
We got a good lead on the case, and we'll close it, I promise.
Yeah, you better close it, and quickly, or Vanilla Ice here won't be the only one in this room without a badge.
Now, get the hell out of my office! FYI, Vanilla Ice does do a lot for charity, so She's dead, Parker.
What do you mean she's dead? Well, I guess I mean it literally.
I don't understand.
I mean, I just saw Jane yesterday.
Yeah.
She was spending the night at John's, and they were rehearsing before the showcase tonight.
Showcase? Yeah.
It's where a bunch of actors do scenes from different plays and movies in front of casting directors.
No, no, I know what a showcase is.
- I'm an actor.
- You keep saying that.
Would I have seen you in anything, or This.
This show that you're literally on right now.
This is a show? - Mm-hmm.
- Who's it for? - YouTube Red.
- Never heard of them.
No one has.
That's the point.
Me and my partner here are gonna put them on the map, big time.
Boom, Emmy.
Boom, Golden Globe.
Boom, other TV award I can't think of right now, like, you know, SAG or something.
- Okay, whatever.
- "Whatever" to you.
Ladies, please, can we just focus here? Yes.
You said she was preparing for a performance? Yeah.
They were going to do the death scene from Baz Luhrman's "Romeo + Juliet.
" That explains the costumes.
This makes perfect sense.
No.
None of this makes sense.
First of all, "Romeo and Juliet" was written by William Shakespeare.
Technically, maybe, but Baz's was, like, way better than the original.
Kind of like "Ocean's Eleven.
" Pre -"Titanic" Leo, post-"Catalano," pre-"Homeland" Danes.
So good, right? Plus, not to make this a history lesson or anything, but that Roland Emmerich movie totally disproved that Shakespeare even existed, so Stop! Just stop talking.
Please continue.
They were stressed out.
I know, because we all are.
I'm in the class, too.
Disco and I were in the middle of doing our scene from "Scream" when Mr.
Hero over here decided to save the day and broke Disco's arm.
FYI, not really approaching this role as the "hero," per se.
More as a troubled protagonist.
Such an obvious choice.
Look, all I'm saying is that tonight is going to be huge.
There's going to be some big-time agents' assistants - in the crowd.
- Really, like who? What's the class called? It's Alfonso Diaphano's Cinematic Scene Study.
Alfonso Diaphano? That's an actual human being's name? Yeah.
He's, like, one of the best acting teachers east of the 405.
He was Taylor Launtner's on-set acting coach for, like, all the "Twilights.
" His class is, like, impossible to get into.
You must be pretty good.
Better than you.
Okay, you know what? I do not like her.
I think she did it.
Relax.
Well, it looks for all the world like your roommate, Jane, stabbed her acting partner in the chest and then swallowed some poison to off herself in the process.
Quite the little scene stealer, wouldn't you say? It it just doesn't make sense.
Nothing in this town does.
No.
What I'm saying is, why would Jane kill John on the day that he proposed? She wasn't lying.
Jane updated her Facebook page that morning.
I didn't see an engagement ring on her finger.
That's because there wasn't one.
Still doesn't explain why his blood was on her hands.
We're gonna need some answers.
Totally.
What? We're just doing our first walk-and-talk one-er.
- Huh? - This whole thing has just been a walk-and-talk one-er.
- What? - It's a way to make boring plot stuff seem less boring to the audience.
They did it all the time in "The West Wing.
" So good, right? Like, say, we just went in a circle, but, like, nothing really happened.
Ugh! That just did.
We got the lab results an hour ago.
Whoa, time out.
You're, like, crazy hot.
Excuse me? No, I mean that in a good way, and your face is, like, totally diverse.
What the hell is that supposed to mean? Oh, no, I just mean that you could play, like, a doctor on TV or something.
I'm a doctor in real life.
Yeah.
But you could play a doctor on TV.
Why would I want to do that? - Huh? - Yeah, I'm gonna step in here.
What did the labs tell you? She drank a concentrated form of a chemical compound, NaOH.
Sodium Hydroxide.
I played a cool chemistry teacher on a three-episode arc of "Hart of Dixie.
" Season five, no biggie.
He's right.
Sodium hydroxide is the active ingredient in Drano.
Highly corrosive.
She basically chugged acid.
What about the blood on her hands? We tested it.
It's not his, and it's not hers, either.
Oh, shit.
So, is it alien blood? Oh, my God.
Ignore him.
So, you're saying there's a third party involved? No.
I'm not saying it's anyone's blood because it's not blood at all.
It's corn syrup and food coloring.
Stage blood.
Your partner's correct.
No.
He's not my partner.
He's a sanctioned civilian observer.
- I'm getting a badge.
- No, he's not.
It's being discussed.
Excuse me.
Look, I don't understand.
Why would she bother with the stage blood if she was just gonna stab him, anyway? This is a prop knife.
The blade is supposed to retract upon impact, but someone blocked the mechanism inside of it, locking it in place.
So, it's not a murder-suicide? It's a murder/murder-suicide.
Seriously, what is wrong with you? Well, okay, I'm sorry I don't know all the fancy terms, okay? It's episode two.
We need, like, a technical advisor or something.
I swear, I'm not gonna make it.
Look, this means that there's a killer out there, and we've got to find him.
Or her.
Women can be murderers, too.
Equality, you know.
#I'mWithHer.
- Let's go.
- Where to? Look, whoever fixed that prop knife also clearly replaced the fake poison in her vial with the real stuff.
And whoever did that had to know that John and Jane were going to do that particular scene at their showcase tonight, which means that the killer is in that stupid acting class.
That was awesome! You're like the first part of "A Beautiful Mind.
" Come on.
We don't have that much time.
Okay, hold on one sec.
Hey, Doc Bollywood, I've got a few light smile lines coming in here and here.
Can you give them a quick hit? I'm sorry, are you asking me for Botox? Yeah, just a bit of a poke-a-roo with the old freeze juice before we get out of here.
I've got a big audition "Hamilton.
" Are you fucking kidding me? Uh, see you later.
Thank you for your time, Mr.
Diaphano.
Is there someone in the showcase tonight that would have a reason to dislike Jane Doe or John Smith? Oh, Darling, try everyone.
Jane and John were far and away the best actors in this class, and they would have shown it by blowing all these other performers off the stage tonight.
I imagine half of them are secretly thrilled that those two aren't going on.
You know, the spotlight is, after all, only so big.
That is so true, so true.
Do I know you from somewhere, soldier? Probably.
I'm Ryan Hansen.
No.
Let me guess, you're auditioning for "Hamilton.
" Yeah, I'm going in for Aaron Burr, but white.
Makes sense.
I understand it's a total cattle call.
- Thank you.
- Wait, I'm sorry.
You're telling me that an actor would kill another actor just for the chance to get noticed? She's from Cleveland.
I know.
Excuse me.
I've got to go.
But good luck catching your killer.
So dramatic.
Okay, look, there's only one way to solve this crime and catch the killer.
You thinking what I'm thinking? I can promise you I'm not.
We got to go undercover in tonight's showcase.
We find that engagement ring, we find the killer.
You feel me, partner? We're not partners.
You're right.
We are more important than that to each other now.
We are scene partners.
God, this is gonna be unbearable.
I know, right? Talk about a showcase showdown.
And I got the perfect scene for us to do together.
I wrote you 365 letters.
I wrote you every day for a year.
Say your line.
Just say it.
It's "The Notebook.
" So what? Everybody loves "The Notebook.
" Only white people love "The Notebook.
" That's not just say it! You wrote me? Yes! It wasn't over.
It still isn't over.
God! Ow! What the hell was that? I'm sorry, okay? It was a reaction.
I thought you were attacking me.
Oh, oh, you thought I was attacking you? What, with my mouth? How am I supposed to know? I've never seen the movie, okay? You've never seen "The Notebook"? I don't like movies.
I find them hard to believe.
What? Wait.
What the hell are you doing? These are all the headshots for all the actors in the showcase tonight.
On the back are their résumés, and on the bottom of every acting résumé is a little section called "special skills," which nobody ever reads, except me tonight, because whoever our killer is Has to have a background in chemistry.
I was gonna say "had to have studied Meisner," but yeah, that works, too.
Psh.
Cockney? Anybody can do Cockney.
It's me, Michael Caine.
Huh.
Guess how has a minor in Organic Chemistry from Baylor? - Hello, hello, hello.
- Told you.
Women can be killers, too.
Not many actresses in this town know how to synthesize sodium hydroxide from Liquid Plumr.
And only one person in Alfonso's class does.
- Hmm.
- You're under arrest, Parker.
Honestly, this is all a little straightforward.
I was hoping for more of a twist ending.
How's this for a twist? I mean, it's more of a reveal, but I'll take it.
There was no way we were gonna let those two steal the show from us tonight.
Besides, I'm the one who got Jane into the class in the first place.
So, you killed your friend just for a performance? She wasn't my friend.
She was my competition.
That's not why I killed her.
I killed her because she was the only one I ever loved.
Oh, shit, lesbian stuff.
So HBO, I love it.
Plus, it really helps us connect with our LGBQT demo.
Shh.
I get it.
You're not actor-crazy.
You're just crazy-crazy.
So, what's the plan, sweetheart? Kill us both, make it look like another murder-suicide? Why not? After the performance you two gave, anyone would believe you immediately killed yourselves.
How dare you.
Parker, you guys are on next.
Whoa! Ugh! Ugh! Get off me! Go! We'll split up.
She went to the roof.
Okay.
You go after him.
I'll handle her.
So typical.
What? She's the one without the gun.
Just go! For those ten seconds or less, I'm free.
I live my life a quarter mile at a t Sic semper tyrannis! Freeze, LAPD! Someone call 911! Whoa! You thought I was a guest star on your show? Wrong.
You're just a day player on mine! Hey, don't you think this is a little gratuitous? I mean, I can't tell if this is super misogynistic or, kind of, like, a female empowerment thing.
Can you? Never fuck with "The Notebook.
" Okay.
Whoa, whoa, hold on now! Wait, wait, okay, okay.
Look, I get it.
I know why you killed her.
I know what it's like to love something that doesn't love you back.
I've been a working actor for over a decade, and most people just confuse me with Ryan Phillippe.
And yeah, after all these years, I got my own show, and it's not even on television.
It's on a website that most people think they jerk off to.
I know your pain, Parker.
I'm the same as you.
We all hurt.
Thank you.
Can I just ask you one thing? Sure.
What? Who's your favorite Batman? Huh? Clooney! Took you long enough.
I didn't want to interrupt your monologue.
Case closed.
Cue the sirens.
You tricked me.
It's called acting, bitch.
Look it up.
Your "Hamilton" audition starts now.
I'm I'm sorry you missed your audition.
No, it's fine.
We caught the killer, right? Yeah.
Sure did.
Hey, you want to do a quick aftermath scene? I think they got a crane.
Nah.
I just want to go home.
Move.
Mommy, my finger hurts.
I know, honey.
Just a couple more hours, okay? Daddy needs as many clicks as possible to keep his new show on the Internet.
I love this.
It's like the cutest little sweatshop ever.
Mom, how come I haven't seen a single ad for stuff I don't want on YouTube? That's because you're not on YouTube, baby.
You're on YouTube Red YouTube's premium subscription service.
It's a bargain at only $9.
99 a month.
Like Netflix? Well, they both cost the same.
I want to watch "The Crown.
" We all do, honey.
We all do.
Just keep clicking, okay? Hang on, you guys are on YouTube Red? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
That explains a lot.
What what site have you been on this whole time? A a very different site with a very similar name.
However, the category sections make a lot more sense now.
Hey, Jon.
Daddy! Daddy! We've been clicking your show to keep you Internet famous! Even though we can't watch "The Crown" on it.
Or "Stranger Things.
" Or "Narcos.
" Wow.
Thank you guys so much.
Come here.
Why, hello, there, white Aaron Burr.
Hey.
How'd the big audition go? It didn't.
I missed it.
You missed it? Oh, no.
Why? Because he was helping me solve a case.
I couldn't have done it without him.
Well, there will always be other auditions.
Not for "Hamilton" there won't.
Bye.
You know what? I don't need "Hamilton," okay? I got you guys.
Come here.
Hey, haircut, catch.
No way.
Seriously? It's a meter maid's badge, but I don't think anyone'll notice.
See you tomorrow.
Thanks.
Mouth prop.
Uhh, anybody know how to clear a browser history? Asking for a friend.
Ryan Hansen, self-tape audition for the role of Aaron Burr in "Hamilton: American Vengeance.
" Too bad, Alexander.
When the bomb I strapped to your chest goes off, your dream of an America with a strong central government goes with it.
I guess I, Aaron Burr, am finally in the room where it happens.
What? George Washington, how did you get in here? No! And scene.
On the next "Ryan Hansen Solves Crimes on Television" Dude! Ryan Hansen is Beat cop number one.
Donald Faison is Donald fuckin' Faison! and Joel McHale is I'm Ryan Hansen.
Joel McHale is playing me? He's going method.
"Less than normal" Their words, not mine.
Crushing it! BT-dubs, I want to give a shoutout to my co-star, the honorable Detective Jessica Mathers.
Ugh.
I mean, she really made me better in every scene.
Chemistry is a two-way street, okay? 'Cause sometimes you have stoplights, sure, and sometimes there are unprotected left-hand turns.
But you got to keep going.
Because traffic, right? But I'm not gonna let this show go to my head.
No.
I'm all about finding my center, staying grounded, staying mindful.
And that's why I'm out here reconnecting with nature.
It's just so real up here, away from the hustle and bustle of the L.
A.
scene, you know? So rejuvenating, a real flow state out here in the wild, away from the hashtag grind.
I mean, honestly, I do not know how the writers are gonna improve on the pilot.
It's such a barn burner! It's, like, how do you top opening on a dead body? Two dead bodies.
What the fuck are you wearing? Oh, it's for an audition later.
Oh.
Is it to be a talking hand job? Because you're nailing it.
No, it's for "Hamilton," the musical.
They serve dinner during it? Ha-ha.
No, it's for the movie version.
They're doing, like, this action reimagining of it without the songs.
Going in for Aaron Burr.
He's, like, the co-lead.
He was played by a black guy in the original, but originally originally, he was a white guy, so I'm kind of right for it.
But, like, not in a racist way or anything.
More like returning to the source material or whatever.
Look at me.
Look at my eyes.
I literally do not give a fuck.
Move.
Oh! Hilarious.
Great delivery.
Anyhow, been binge-watching that milk commercial like a million times to really get inside his head as a character.
Doing a deep dive on this one.
Pete Berg is directing.
I hear all the actors are gonna go through Navy SEAL training for it.
How cool is that, right? I mean, if I get this, it could totally change my career.
Anyway, I'm wearing this period plumage just to really, fully immerse myself in the role.
Streep says 80% of acting is wardrobe, so Unfortunately, the other 20% is you.
Now, if you wouldn't mind shutting the fuck up so I can do my job Our job for seven more episodes, guaranteed.
Partner.
Come on.
Hey, you You first on? Yeah.
Yeah, I was just down the block when the call came through, came right over.
Oh! Ryan! - What's good, Frank? - Yes! Good to see you, bud.
- Wait, you you know him? - What, Frank? Of course I know Frank.
The Frank-enator.
The Frank-enstein! Watch out! Here I come! Oh, man, everybody down at the precinct loves this guy.
- Come on.
- Oh, hey, speaking of which, you still owe me 20 bucks, Hansen.
You better be joking right now, 'cause you didn't eat the whole thing.
- That was the bet.
- Oh, come on.
I got it in my mouth, at least.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, sorry to interrupt international grab-ass hour, but do you guys mind knocking it off? - Sorry.
- Sorry, Detective.
Now, run it for me.
It happened last night.
No signs of forced entry, nothing missing from the house as far as we can tell.
No witnesses.
Neighbors found them this morning.
- It's pretty thin.
- We got names? John Smith and Jane Doe.
Wait, you haven't I.
D.
'd them yet? No, those are their real names.
God, I hate this town.
- Is this his place? - Yeah.
Yeah.
She lives off Melrose with a roommate.
And do we know what's in the vial? Not yet.
Lab boys are spinning it now.
Thank you, Officer.
Thank you, sir or, ma'am.
Off I'm just gonna go with "Detective," we're gonna call it that.
Okay, Detective.
All right.
See you at poker night.
- Hell, yeah.
- All right, buddy.
What's your read on this one? Well, they're dead.
Mm.
Same, same.
What do you make of their outfits? Maybe they found out they were auditioning for the same role as you and decided to kill themselves out of shame.
No chance.
These aren't working actors.
Mnh-mnh not with those haircuts.
Okay, Little Lord Fauntleroy, what you're looking at here is your garden-variety murder suicide with a sprinkle of Los Angeles-normal cosplay thrown in for funsies.
Quick version yada, yada, motivation, she stabs him.
Ugh! Then tosses back whatever Hemlock Light is in that vial there to off herself.
No forced entry, his blood literally on her hands.
Adds up pretty clean.
And that's what bothers me about it.
It's too clean.
Oh! That was so sick, such a good line, total trailer moment.
"It's too clean.
" Right? Oh! Can I give you a note, though? I think you could zhuzh it up a little bit.
Check this out.
That's what bothers me about it.
It's too clean.
Right? Better.
Now, you might want to consider, maybe, a toothpick, maybe a match in your mouth, you know, like, you're always chewing on something.
Could be your thing, I don't know.
Plus, you know, mouth props.
You're a mouth prop.
Come on.
What? Where we going? To Jane Doe's house to talk to her roommate.
Ooh, ooh! Or a red coffee straw, like she's addicted to caffeine, but we never come out and say it.
Like, a total mystery, baller back story.
- Jesus.
- What? Hello! Yeah, they're dead.
Why don't you take that thing off? It's, like, 100 degrees out.
No way.
Art is suffering.
Yeah, especially when you do it.
You make fun, but I'm going to nail this audition tonight.
Wait, your audition's tonight? Yeah.
9:00 p.
m.
They hold auditions that late? Yeah.
It's sort of like an after-hours thing.
The assistant associate casting director said I should come in after they're closed.
I guess she doesn't want me to intimidate the other actors, you know, keep it on the low.
Plus, I paid her 200 bucks.
So, it's a secret audition? Exactly.
I'm pretty much the "Zero-Dark-Thirty" of auditioning.
Swoop in at night, kill Osama you know, in this case, Osama would be the audition, not, like, a real person.
So, we better solve this case by 9:00 p.
m.
or you are on your own, 'cause nothing is gonna keep me from landing this one, baby.
Set alarm for 9:00 p.
m.
, the moment my life changes forever.
True change comes from within.
Stupid phone.
Okay.
So, what do we know about this place? We know she lived here.
Mm-hmm.
Good.
Strong clue.
Just shut up and let me do the talking.
Hey, you think I should have a badge? No.
- Really? - Yes.
- Why? - Because you're a moron, and it would be illegal, but mostly the first part.
How am I supposed to give an authentic performance if they won't let me have a gun or a badge? I guess you'll just have to rely on the suspension of disbelief.
Huh? Just stay here, all right? I'm gonna take a look around back.
Hey, what do I do if someone comes to the door? Just tell them the British are coming.
I'm from San Diego.
That literally makes no sense.
Do I have a boyfriend? Why? You want to take me out sometime? I'm making some popcorn.
Mathers! Hey! Gonna watch a video.
Yeah.
Mathers! Oh! Aah! Yeah, I love scary movies.
Clooney! Aah! Ugh! Yo! What the hell, man? Who are you? I'm Ryan Hansen.
Who? Ryan Hansen, Nickelodeon Slimetime-nominated actor.
I just totally saved your life, baby.
You think you saved my life? - Yeah.
- From who? The killer, duh.
I think he broke my arm.
That's my scene partner, douche.
We're rehearsing.
Whoa, Jesus! Dingbat, what the fuck did you do? Hey, my bad, dawg.
It's good, right? What's up, man? Sorry, man.
Ryan Hansen.
Clooney! Did you really yell "Clooney" before attacking? George Clooney is my spirit animal.
Well, your spirit animal is about to get this city in a serious Goddamn lawsuit.
That slapdick Spielberg you assaulted is threatening to sue.
- Captain, it was an honest - No, Detective, you don't get to talk.
You're already on thin ice.
Honestly, if I had a badge, I don't think any of this would have happened.
- You want a badge? - Yeah.
Then become a real cop and stop dressing up like you're in "The Nutcracker.
" Oh, no, no, this is for my "Hamilton" audition.
It's period authentic.
Well, I'm period-authentic pissed off.
More genre-authentic, but I totally honor that feeling.
And before we dialogue any further on this, can I just say that I think it's such a cool cosmic coincidence that you and the old Captain Jackson share the same last name.
Are you guys related? Why? 'Cause we're both black? I honestly didn't notice.
I don't I don't see color, I just see people and auras.
Captain, I let him out of my sight for two seconds.
It was a mistake, and it won't happen again.
We got a good lead on the case, and we'll close it, I promise.
Yeah, you better close it, and quickly, or Vanilla Ice here won't be the only one in this room without a badge.
Now, get the hell out of my office! FYI, Vanilla Ice does do a lot for charity, so She's dead, Parker.
What do you mean she's dead? Well, I guess I mean it literally.
I don't understand.
I mean, I just saw Jane yesterday.
Yeah.
She was spending the night at John's, and they were rehearsing before the showcase tonight.
Showcase? Yeah.
It's where a bunch of actors do scenes from different plays and movies in front of casting directors.
No, no, I know what a showcase is.
- I'm an actor.
- You keep saying that.
Would I have seen you in anything, or This.
This show that you're literally on right now.
This is a show? - Mm-hmm.
- Who's it for? - YouTube Red.
- Never heard of them.
No one has.
That's the point.
Me and my partner here are gonna put them on the map, big time.
Boom, Emmy.
Boom, Golden Globe.
Boom, other TV award I can't think of right now, like, you know, SAG or something.
- Okay, whatever.
- "Whatever" to you.
Ladies, please, can we just focus here? Yes.
You said she was preparing for a performance? Yeah.
They were going to do the death scene from Baz Luhrman's "Romeo + Juliet.
" That explains the costumes.
This makes perfect sense.
No.
None of this makes sense.
First of all, "Romeo and Juliet" was written by William Shakespeare.
Technically, maybe, but Baz's was, like, way better than the original.
Kind of like "Ocean's Eleven.
" Pre -"Titanic" Leo, post-"Catalano," pre-"Homeland" Danes.
So good, right? Plus, not to make this a history lesson or anything, but that Roland Emmerich movie totally disproved that Shakespeare even existed, so Stop! Just stop talking.
Please continue.
They were stressed out.
I know, because we all are.
I'm in the class, too.
Disco and I were in the middle of doing our scene from "Scream" when Mr.
Hero over here decided to save the day and broke Disco's arm.
FYI, not really approaching this role as the "hero," per se.
More as a troubled protagonist.
Such an obvious choice.
Look, all I'm saying is that tonight is going to be huge.
There's going to be some big-time agents' assistants - in the crowd.
- Really, like who? What's the class called? It's Alfonso Diaphano's Cinematic Scene Study.
Alfonso Diaphano? That's an actual human being's name? Yeah.
He's, like, one of the best acting teachers east of the 405.
He was Taylor Launtner's on-set acting coach for, like, all the "Twilights.
" His class is, like, impossible to get into.
You must be pretty good.
Better than you.
Okay, you know what? I do not like her.
I think she did it.
Relax.
Well, it looks for all the world like your roommate, Jane, stabbed her acting partner in the chest and then swallowed some poison to off herself in the process.
Quite the little scene stealer, wouldn't you say? It it just doesn't make sense.
Nothing in this town does.
No.
What I'm saying is, why would Jane kill John on the day that he proposed? She wasn't lying.
Jane updated her Facebook page that morning.
I didn't see an engagement ring on her finger.
That's because there wasn't one.
Still doesn't explain why his blood was on her hands.
We're gonna need some answers.
Totally.
What? We're just doing our first walk-and-talk one-er.
- Huh? - This whole thing has just been a walk-and-talk one-er.
- What? - It's a way to make boring plot stuff seem less boring to the audience.
They did it all the time in "The West Wing.
" So good, right? Like, say, we just went in a circle, but, like, nothing really happened.
Ugh! That just did.
We got the lab results an hour ago.
Whoa, time out.
You're, like, crazy hot.
Excuse me? No, I mean that in a good way, and your face is, like, totally diverse.
What the hell is that supposed to mean? Oh, no, I just mean that you could play, like, a doctor on TV or something.
I'm a doctor in real life.
Yeah.
But you could play a doctor on TV.
Why would I want to do that? - Huh? - Yeah, I'm gonna step in here.
What did the labs tell you? She drank a concentrated form of a chemical compound, NaOH.
Sodium Hydroxide.
I played a cool chemistry teacher on a three-episode arc of "Hart of Dixie.
" Season five, no biggie.
He's right.
Sodium hydroxide is the active ingredient in Drano.
Highly corrosive.
She basically chugged acid.
What about the blood on her hands? We tested it.
It's not his, and it's not hers, either.
Oh, shit.
So, is it alien blood? Oh, my God.
Ignore him.
So, you're saying there's a third party involved? No.
I'm not saying it's anyone's blood because it's not blood at all.
It's corn syrup and food coloring.
Stage blood.
Your partner's correct.
No.
He's not my partner.
He's a sanctioned civilian observer.
- I'm getting a badge.
- No, he's not.
It's being discussed.
Excuse me.
Look, I don't understand.
Why would she bother with the stage blood if she was just gonna stab him, anyway? This is a prop knife.
The blade is supposed to retract upon impact, but someone blocked the mechanism inside of it, locking it in place.
So, it's not a murder-suicide? It's a murder/murder-suicide.
Seriously, what is wrong with you? Well, okay, I'm sorry I don't know all the fancy terms, okay? It's episode two.
We need, like, a technical advisor or something.
I swear, I'm not gonna make it.
Look, this means that there's a killer out there, and we've got to find him.
Or her.
Women can be murderers, too.
Equality, you know.
#I'mWithHer.
- Let's go.
- Where to? Look, whoever fixed that prop knife also clearly replaced the fake poison in her vial with the real stuff.
And whoever did that had to know that John and Jane were going to do that particular scene at their showcase tonight, which means that the killer is in that stupid acting class.
That was awesome! You're like the first part of "A Beautiful Mind.
" Come on.
We don't have that much time.
Okay, hold on one sec.
Hey, Doc Bollywood, I've got a few light smile lines coming in here and here.
Can you give them a quick hit? I'm sorry, are you asking me for Botox? Yeah, just a bit of a poke-a-roo with the old freeze juice before we get out of here.
I've got a big audition "Hamilton.
" Are you fucking kidding me? Uh, see you later.
Thank you for your time, Mr.
Diaphano.
Is there someone in the showcase tonight that would have a reason to dislike Jane Doe or John Smith? Oh, Darling, try everyone.
Jane and John were far and away the best actors in this class, and they would have shown it by blowing all these other performers off the stage tonight.
I imagine half of them are secretly thrilled that those two aren't going on.
You know, the spotlight is, after all, only so big.
That is so true, so true.
Do I know you from somewhere, soldier? Probably.
I'm Ryan Hansen.
No.
Let me guess, you're auditioning for "Hamilton.
" Yeah, I'm going in for Aaron Burr, but white.
Makes sense.
I understand it's a total cattle call.
- Thank you.
- Wait, I'm sorry.
You're telling me that an actor would kill another actor just for the chance to get noticed? She's from Cleveland.
I know.
Excuse me.
I've got to go.
But good luck catching your killer.
So dramatic.
Okay, look, there's only one way to solve this crime and catch the killer.
You thinking what I'm thinking? I can promise you I'm not.
We got to go undercover in tonight's showcase.
We find that engagement ring, we find the killer.
You feel me, partner? We're not partners.
You're right.
We are more important than that to each other now.
We are scene partners.
God, this is gonna be unbearable.
I know, right? Talk about a showcase showdown.
And I got the perfect scene for us to do together.
I wrote you 365 letters.
I wrote you every day for a year.
Say your line.
Just say it.
It's "The Notebook.
" So what? Everybody loves "The Notebook.
" Only white people love "The Notebook.
" That's not just say it! You wrote me? Yes! It wasn't over.
It still isn't over.
God! Ow! What the hell was that? I'm sorry, okay? It was a reaction.
I thought you were attacking me.
Oh, oh, you thought I was attacking you? What, with my mouth? How am I supposed to know? I've never seen the movie, okay? You've never seen "The Notebook"? I don't like movies.
I find them hard to believe.
What? Wait.
What the hell are you doing? These are all the headshots for all the actors in the showcase tonight.
On the back are their résumés, and on the bottom of every acting résumé is a little section called "special skills," which nobody ever reads, except me tonight, because whoever our killer is Has to have a background in chemistry.
I was gonna say "had to have studied Meisner," but yeah, that works, too.
Psh.
Cockney? Anybody can do Cockney.
It's me, Michael Caine.
Huh.
Guess how has a minor in Organic Chemistry from Baylor? - Hello, hello, hello.
- Told you.
Women can be killers, too.
Not many actresses in this town know how to synthesize sodium hydroxide from Liquid Plumr.
And only one person in Alfonso's class does.
- Hmm.
- You're under arrest, Parker.
Honestly, this is all a little straightforward.
I was hoping for more of a twist ending.
How's this for a twist? I mean, it's more of a reveal, but I'll take it.
There was no way we were gonna let those two steal the show from us tonight.
Besides, I'm the one who got Jane into the class in the first place.
So, you killed your friend just for a performance? She wasn't my friend.
She was my competition.
That's not why I killed her.
I killed her because she was the only one I ever loved.
Oh, shit, lesbian stuff.
So HBO, I love it.
Plus, it really helps us connect with our LGBQT demo.
Shh.
I get it.
You're not actor-crazy.
You're just crazy-crazy.
So, what's the plan, sweetheart? Kill us both, make it look like another murder-suicide? Why not? After the performance you two gave, anyone would believe you immediately killed yourselves.
How dare you.
Parker, you guys are on next.
Whoa! Ugh! Ugh! Get off me! Go! We'll split up.
She went to the roof.
Okay.
You go after him.
I'll handle her.
So typical.
What? She's the one without the gun.
Just go! For those ten seconds or less, I'm free.
I live my life a quarter mile at a t Sic semper tyrannis! Freeze, LAPD! Someone call 911! Whoa! You thought I was a guest star on your show? Wrong.
You're just a day player on mine! Hey, don't you think this is a little gratuitous? I mean, I can't tell if this is super misogynistic or, kind of, like, a female empowerment thing.
Can you? Never fuck with "The Notebook.
" Okay.
Whoa, whoa, hold on now! Wait, wait, okay, okay.
Look, I get it.
I know why you killed her.
I know what it's like to love something that doesn't love you back.
I've been a working actor for over a decade, and most people just confuse me with Ryan Phillippe.
And yeah, after all these years, I got my own show, and it's not even on television.
It's on a website that most people think they jerk off to.
I know your pain, Parker.
I'm the same as you.
We all hurt.
Thank you.
Can I just ask you one thing? Sure.
What? Who's your favorite Batman? Huh? Clooney! Took you long enough.
I didn't want to interrupt your monologue.
Case closed.
Cue the sirens.
You tricked me.
It's called acting, bitch.
Look it up.
Your "Hamilton" audition starts now.
I'm I'm sorry you missed your audition.
No, it's fine.
We caught the killer, right? Yeah.
Sure did.
Hey, you want to do a quick aftermath scene? I think they got a crane.
Nah.
I just want to go home.
Move.
Mommy, my finger hurts.
I know, honey.
Just a couple more hours, okay? Daddy needs as many clicks as possible to keep his new show on the Internet.
I love this.
It's like the cutest little sweatshop ever.
Mom, how come I haven't seen a single ad for stuff I don't want on YouTube? That's because you're not on YouTube, baby.
You're on YouTube Red YouTube's premium subscription service.
It's a bargain at only $9.
99 a month.
Like Netflix? Well, they both cost the same.
I want to watch "The Crown.
" We all do, honey.
We all do.
Just keep clicking, okay? Hang on, you guys are on YouTube Red? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
That explains a lot.
What what site have you been on this whole time? A a very different site with a very similar name.
However, the category sections make a lot more sense now.
Hey, Jon.
Daddy! Daddy! We've been clicking your show to keep you Internet famous! Even though we can't watch "The Crown" on it.
Or "Stranger Things.
" Or "Narcos.
" Wow.
Thank you guys so much.
Come here.
Why, hello, there, white Aaron Burr.
Hey.
How'd the big audition go? It didn't.
I missed it.
You missed it? Oh, no.
Why? Because he was helping me solve a case.
I couldn't have done it without him.
Well, there will always be other auditions.
Not for "Hamilton" there won't.
Bye.
You know what? I don't need "Hamilton," okay? I got you guys.
Come here.
Hey, haircut, catch.
No way.
Seriously? It's a meter maid's badge, but I don't think anyone'll notice.
See you tomorrow.
Thanks.
Mouth prop.
Uhh, anybody know how to clear a browser history? Asking for a friend.
Ryan Hansen, self-tape audition for the role of Aaron Burr in "Hamilton: American Vengeance.
" Too bad, Alexander.
When the bomb I strapped to your chest goes off, your dream of an America with a strong central government goes with it.
I guess I, Aaron Burr, am finally in the room where it happens.
What? George Washington, how did you get in here? No! And scene.
On the next "Ryan Hansen Solves Crimes on Television" Dude! Ryan Hansen is Beat cop number one.
Donald Faison is Donald fuckin' Faison! and Joel McHale is I'm Ryan Hansen.
Joel McHale is playing me? He's going method.