Samantha Who? s01e02 Episode Script

I had this dream.
I was hit by a car.
I lost my memory and moved in with my parents.
Rise and shine ! Wake up, sleepyhead.
You're not in a coma anymore.
Come on.
Get up.
We got a busy day.
We're gonna get our hair cut, just alike ! Oh, please let it be a dream.
Oh, it's OK.
I'm your father.
- Yeah, I know.
You told me.
- Samantha, breakfast.
And that's your mother.
She's in the kitchen.
Yeah, see, I remember what I know now.
It's just not anything that I knew before the accident.
And the kitchen is where we keep the food.
Oh, that's good to know.
Excuse me.
Oh, there she is.
Samantha, you remember your childhood friend, Dena.
Well, I had off from work so I thought I'd see if you wanted to do something.
- I'm sorry, she's busy with me today.
- Uh, actually, I was going to - be busy with me today.
- That doesn't sound like any fun.
If we're not gonna get to know each other again, - what was the point of you getting hit ? - Um, that's very true, but, I was in this coma and I have no memories.
I kind of just want to find out who I am.
I mean, I don't even know what I do.
- I don't know what my job is.
- I don't know.
- You haven't spoken to me in two years.
- Twenty for me.
I think it was something in a building.
Oh, well, I guess that rules out astronaut then.
Hey, you know what ? Maybe I have some sort of business card or something like that.
Let's see.
What do we got ? I have a doctor's appointment card.
For today.
Who's Dr.
Kegoshian ? Wait, from the hospital ? Oh, is he the brain doctor ? Or the guy who got us to donate her organs ? Oh, I liked him.
He was funny.
All right.
Well, so, I'll keep this appointment.
You and I can get to know each other when you drive me into the city.
Don't you remember ? I told you I'm getting my hair trimmed.
Howard, she's starting to forget things again.
Sorry.
You must have berries in your shampoo.
Mr.
Cellophane, no ! No, it's fine.
Thank you for the ride, Dena.
It's just Oh, God, mothers, right ? It's like What is that, you know ? It's like, enough already, just go away.
Right ? Mine's dead.
- My God.
I'm sorry.
- No, please, you have amnesia.
But you were real sweet when you found out.
You even insisted that we move the day of the funeral so you could be there.
Oh.
I did that ? Yeah.
You still didn't come, but you sent some beautiful flowers.
Well, there's that.
I didn't send any flowers, did I ? - Not really.
- Yeah.
All things considered, I feel fine.
- I mean, physically.
- Open, please ? Maybe my mom's right.
Maybe I am too eager to get back into my life, you know, but when everything is a mystery, you really want to grab hold and squeeze You're not a neurologist, are you ? So have you decided to go up one cup size or two ? Is there a three ? I mean, just Hey, Andrea ! Andréa.
- Whatever it is.
Hey.
- Hi.
I was around the corner.
You know I was getting a boob job ? Yeah.
I think it's a fantastic idea.
Really ? Why did I want one ? Do you think I need one ? Who cares ? I get your old shirts when they don't fit.
Hey, here, I'll just ride up with you.
One good thing about your bonk on the head, huh ? - What ? - Got rid of your fear of elevators.
Number two.
- Yeah.
Oh OK.
- Come on.
It's all right.
OK.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
OK.
Yeah, it's cool.
It's cool.
That's valuable information.
That's what I wanted.
To find things out, get back in my life.
I want to too, but don't you think it's soon to go back to work ? That's the thing.
I never asked where I work or what I do for a living.
I mean, so where do I work ? Do you know ? - Hmm.
- What ? What ? - That's me ? - Yeah.
I work here ! I work here ! This is my office ! Oh I'm a vice president ? Ah, sookie sookie.
VP ! VP ! OK, now we are getting somewhere.
All right.
What do we do ? Wait.
You're a lawyer.
Am I a lawyer ? Is that hard ? That sounds hard.
Time for you to go, but no more questions.
No one should know about your little memory problem.
Any sign of weakness is sniffed out and destroyed.
Where do they think that I've been ? - I don't know.
Maybe rehab.
- You told them I was in rehab ? Rehab is trendy, it makes you seem young.
OK, but wait a minute.
What do we do here ? Oh, my God ! It's you.
Hi.
Sorry.
- Your secretary.
- Sorry.
I didn't expect you in today, but welcome back.
Your apple.
- Oh, thank you.
- Forgot to start it for you.
Sorry.
I make her start my apple ? Get out of here before anyone else knows you're back, and I'll fill you in later.
- Like what we do.
- Yes.
Good morning, Mr.
Chapman.
Have the documents ? Need them before 11 :00.
- Right away, sir.
Of course.
- Thanks.
- So back from rehab ? - Oh, yep.
Is that dog hair ? Be back in time for the 11 o'clock.
Oh, God.
And I'm a vice president of something, and I have my own office, and I got a big chair and a coffee cup and a secretary who's completely afraid of me.
I mean, I am a big damn deal ! Oh ! And you know what ? Found out I'm getting a boob job, and I'm afraid of elevators.
How was your day ? - I ate a Pop-Tart.
- Sorry to barge in on you.
I need something to wear to this 11 o'clock something.
I don't mean to make anything any weirder than they are between us.
- Think my bra's gonna show through ? - You do remember we broke up, right ? Yeah.
Duh ! Yeah, I thought so before, then back you came.
I know.
I'll be out in just two seconds.
Hey, by the way, what do I do ? - Something at Chapman and Funk.
- Yeah, I know.
- I was at Chapman and Funk.
- Don't get mad at me.
I tried to take interest, but every time I asked what you did, you spoke to me slowly like I was a monkey.
There's no need to speak slowly to a monkey.
Um I know I'm going to miss the cake.
- Cake ? - Birthday cake.
To save money, you suggested they ban employee birthdays.
We had a freezer full of confiscated cakes.
- God.
I really hated birthdays.
- Or loved cake.
I got to get to this 11 o'clock, but I'd love to hear more.
Know what ? I don't mean to complain, but I just really feel like I am doing all the work in this breakup.
Hey, hey, Frank.
I'm not really sure about this outfit.
You know me.
Is this me ? - Yes, it is.
- You didn't look.
It's an improvement over the usual, I'd say.
Really ? How ? Coco Chanel said that to avoid over-accessorizing, women should look in the mirror and remove one thing.
With you, it was often your dignity.
Well, thank you for your honesty.
Hey, should I get a boob job ? - We are not friends.
- Right.
Twenty floors.
OK.
OK.
Hi.
Thank you, secretary.
Listen, I have ten seconds before this meeting.
Now just don't ask me, but just tell me : What do we do ? Exactly what we're told.
I know now.
Won't happen again.
No.
Andrea ! Listen, I'm about to fake my way through this meeting, OK ? Lt'd be really nice if I knew what it is It's 11 o'clock, let's do it.
- I just want to do it.
Right now.
- Let's do it.
- No.
- No ? No.
OK.
Oh, I'm sorry.
- Let's get started.
Anyone ? - Got us a City Council hearing - on that church property.
- Anyone ? CRA meeting.
Don't want us turning a retirement home into condominiums.
- The play ? Zoning commission ? - Impact hearing.
Real estate ! It's, uh It's what we do.
Rehab.
She's not used to her own serotonin.
I know what Sam means.
"Real estate : It's what we do.
" Get it ? Not having meetings, negotiating, but taking real estate and developing it so the city we love is the best.
Am I right ? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Very.
- How do we get rid of the church ? - Don't get rid of a church ! She's right.
We add a church.
There's a mini-mall next door.
We buy it, move in a made-up church, say it wants to expand.
Great idea because the council can't take sides in a religious dispute.
- I didn't say to buy a mall.
- We don't need to.
I get it.
Lease a storefront, put up a sign that says lmmigration Department.
- Place empties, pick it up for nothing.
- Now we are talking ! I don't know why I'm running this meeting.
Look at Sam.
Check it.
She comes back, she's clean as a whistle, sharper than ever, claws out.
Anyone who does not sign up for rehab is fired.
I need new ideas on my desk by midnight, maybe we'll sneak out of here early.
Great meeting.
Well this job sucks.
Knock-knock ! You know saying "knock-knock" isn't actually knocking.
Right ? - What were you looking at ? - Nothing.
- Are you curious about your body ? - No, I'm not curious about my body.
I'm just trying to understand why I would want a boob job.
- Well, let me see.
- No.
God.
No.
They're nothing I haven't seen a thousand times.
I made them, for heaven's sakes.
Come on.
Open up.
- Knock-knock.
- Oh ! Oh ! Jiminy Christmas ! - Um, can you go ? I have to dress.
- Nothing wrong with your breasts.
They're great.
They're gonna stay great.
You have the genes.
- Here, look at these.
- No, stop.
Just It's not about if I need a boob job.
It's just about It's just about who I am.
I found out what I do for a living today, and I really don't like it.
- So quit.
- I can't quit.
And do what ? I don't even know how to do what it is that I do do.
Don't tell her to quit ! How's she gonna get insurance ? Howard, go away ! I know.
Tomorrow we'll go to that new game store Marjorie Law opened with money the city gave her from when the fireworks came down on her.
It's called I'm Game If You Are.
She's getting a new jigsaw puzzle.
I don't want to do a puzzle.
I am a puzzle.
When I was a little girl, I mean, what did I dream of doing ? - Puzzles.
- OK, and we will do puzzles.
I think right now I should find out - what it is that I love.
- Not me, that's for sure.
Oh, for God's sakes.
No, you do.
You hate me.
It's fine.
We will do puzzles, OK ? It's just You're the one who said this morning that this is a new life.
And maybe I should have a new life that I want.
Well, maybe you should.
I don't know.
This morning you didn't have time for me, 'cause you were trying to find out who you were.
Now you don't have any time for me, you're trying to find out who you are.
Well, from where I sit, this new life looks like the old one, because neither one includes me.
So have fun tonight and, uh, wear a short skirt.
It'll take attention away from your chest.
You are my hero.
No, you are.
You're really just going to quit ? - No.
- Maybe.
I mean, am I crazy ? - Yes.
- And here you are.
I mean, what would you do, anyway, if you quit ? She can do whatever she wants.
You could do whatever you dream of in the whole world.
You could rescue Newfies.
You could Oh ! Oh, uh No, that's all I got.
Newfies.
How'd she get in here, really ? Is there no one at the door ? No, no, no.
She's right.
I can do whatever I want.
I mean, I can write.
I could paint.
I could open up a cupcake shop or a coffee shop.
- Or a coffee shop that has cupcakes.
- That one.
- OK.
- Do that.
The point is, is that this thing happened to me, - this near-death experience.
- Oh, my God, when ? - Oh, when I got hit by a car.
- Oh, that.
Yeah.
OK, go on.
Anyway, if things happen for a reason, then what was the reason, right ? Maybe it's that I'm supposed to do something important in my life, like improve the world, help the little people.
What little people ? Dwarves ? The dwarves are fine.
Or maybe just not be unhappy with what I do.
I mean, come on, Andrea.
Do you really, really love what you do ? I don't know.
Who cares ? If everyone asks do they love what they do, the economy'll collapse.
And how is that helping the dwarves ? I'm doing it.
I'm quitting.
Oh, God, that feels so right.
Don't know why I didn't do this before.
I'm sorry.
I guess your credit card's declined.
What's that about ? Thirty thousand dollars in credit card debt ? I mean, how does this happen ? Would it help if I said you bought me a kidney ? I'll tell you how this happens : Hair, makeup, nails.
But you know what ? Mostly shoes.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, was I hoarding shoes ? Was the country converted to some sort of shoe-based currency ? I mean, God.
I know what I'm gonna do.
I'll take them all back.
Yep, that's what I'm gonna do.
They have to take them back, right ? Some of these haven't even been worn.
And then I can pay off this debt, and I can quit that stupid job, and I can follow my dreams and help the dwarves.
- What about these ? - Not those.
Those are cute.
- Sam - No, listen, listen, listen.
I can do this.
I can do this, all right ? Just tell me, where do I keep the receipts ? You'll find them in the matching purses.
Stupid Old Me.
I mean, Old Me really screwed New Me over, didn't she ? I mean, how am I supposed to start fresh when my past just keeps reaching into my future and pulling me into my present ? That's very true.
And now I can't quit my job, and I have to work.
It is so unfair ! Unfair how ? That I have to work so I can pay my bills ! So that I can make money ! OK, so it sounded a lot more unfair in my head than it did out loud.
- And who are these dwarves ? - Never mind.
Anyway, no.
No dwarves, no writing, no painting, no cupcakes.
Well, then I guess a boob job's out of the question.
Ow ! There's more where that came from, mister.
Here's my thought.
I think you're gonna like it.
I think I'm gonna love it.
So, now I haven't gotten all the details worked out, but when I, um When I was in rehab, we had these amazing speakers.
And there was this one guy.
He was very, very wealthy.
I can't tell you his name because the whole anonymous thing.
But he said that the secret to success is to do what the other guys don't.
So instead of getting rid of that church Are you ready ? We don't.
Not sure I follow.
What we do is we start to get the name Chapman and Funk associated with - The poor.
- Yes ! Yes, helping the poor.
No, being poor.
Have you lost your mind ? No.
Y Yes.
No, listen.
Or what we do is, we don't do development.
We, um, diversify.
Open a bakery because, you know, people love cupcakes.
Shh.
Mm-mm.
Listen.
This rehab of yours, I do not know what they took out of your system, but right now I want you to stand up, I want you to go back there, and I want you to pay whatever it takes to just shove that crap back in your mouth.
- OK.
- Good meeting.
- Didn't go so well, huh ? - He's an ass.
So ? You used to know how to play him.
Next time you go in there, smile, open a button or two, - and it'll go fine.
- I'm not gonna open Oh, my God.
I can't believe you walk up - I so admire that.
- Well, it keeps me strong and two sizes below my body's natural comfort level.
You should try it.
Do you have the reports ? I need you to start redoing my new office.
Have the painters come in first thing so that there are no fumes tomorrow.
Sleep there tonight to make sure it's safe.
- Thank you.
- What are you doing in my office ? Didn't hear ? I got it for landing Sternwood Properties.
Sternwood is mine.
How did you Oh, you did not.
Chapman didn't fall for a move that cheap.
Whose idea do you think these were ? Excuse me.
I have to get something off my chest.
Ooh.
All right, maybe I wasn't clear.
What I meant to say was that we both know that you have encouraged and rewarded at least one woman here to have her boobs done.
So if you ever talk to any woman in this company about any body part ever again, by the time you and I are out of court, this place is going to be called Chapman, Funk and Newly.
Or just Funk and Newly.
Newly and Funk.
Either way.
- Bottom line it for me.
Church stays ? - It's a start.
One more thing.
Happy birthday, dear Tracy Happy birthday to you Whoo ! Happy birthday, Trace.
Oh, so you're honestly telling me that your secretary's birthday happens to be today ? No, no, but I had to send a message.
She was like, "No, I can't do that.
" I said, "Look, do I have to command you to have a good time ? Eat a piece of cake.
Have two pieces.
" Poor thing.
- She's diabetic, you know.
- Oh, for heaven's sake.
No, no, spit, spit ! - Oh, hi.
- Hi.
Went back to work, I see.
Yep.
I'm a working girl.
I mean, not like a hooker or something like that.
- Here's an edge piece.
- Yeah, I saw it.
You know, it doesn't have to be all work.
I mean, I hear those 80 hour weeks, they can be hard on other stuff, too.
Like friends and family.
And it doesn't have to be forever.
But people work, right ? And I think that I can do some good over there.
- In a lot of debt, huh ? - Just do the puzzle.
I had this dream, and I woke up clean and white as snow, my debts forgiven, and my sins all washed away.
That sounds awesome, but it's a bunch of crap.
I mean, yesterday can't be unlived, it's part of today.
We drag it along like a big, old dog.
Today is all we can control.
We do today right we may even have a shot at tomorrow.
By the way, I'm not going to get that boob job.
No ? Good.
Then you really should start sleeping in a bra.