Sando (2018) s01e02 Episode Script

1 - Shit! You're pregnant?! - I'm in love with you, Sando.
MAN: You had a kid with your daughter's fiance.
(SCREAMING) I'm the one who's paying for the wedding.
Susie! I've been the face of this company for 20 years.
The board wants you to stand down.
Stay, please.
I've got nowhere else to go.
Special delivery for the birthday girl.
Horse-some! I'm here because I thought maybe we could start again.
Mummy! GARY: Susie! The pool house? It's just a couple of days.
- Till you recover.
- Yeah, a couple of days, tops.
(HIGH-SPEED CHATTERING) MAN: You want how much for a sofa bed? (HIGH-SPEED CHATTERING) Oh, forget it.
Sick of being ripped off by other furniture stores? Get down to Sando's Warehouse, where you won't be sorry at our Don't Be Sorry Sale.
Let's go, Sando! - Sorry, Mum.
- Don't be sorry.
Foam sofa beds starting at $179.
Come on, do 'em a deal - Sorry, Mum.
- Don't be sorry.
Spacious 6-drawer dresser, only 99 bucks.
BOTH: Dad! - Sorry, kids! Don't be sorry.
Durable stacking stools - buy one, get one free.
Get down to our Don't Be Sorry Sale today.
VOICEOVER: Sando's Warehouse.
New stores in Buttamoyne, Woodbush, Poondup and Yag.
You'll never be sorry again.
(SNORES) (CLICK!) (GASPS) Christ.
Eric, what are you doing? Just kicking off the best day I've had in years.
- Cappuccino? - Oh.
That's very attentive.
(SQUEALS) I miss these special mother-son moments.
- Look, Eric - Can't look.
Eyes totally shut.
I'll go get you some moisturiser.
Ooh! - Oh! - Floss? - I'm really good with molars.
- Mate.
Or we can start with canines.
Give it here a sec.
Oh! Spider web! I knew I should have stood my ground and made her go.
God, I'm so stressed I can feel my brain pulsing.
I need therapy.
Where's Nicky? Maybe she's off trying to finish the last two years of her degree.
Gary, like I told her, living here and learning on the job is much better than any degree.
Babe, your mum's staying here for two days, OK? She probably just wants to apologise for all Gary! I know what my mother is capable of, and that is having sex with my partner.
And what she's not capable of is apologising and keeping a promise and staying only a couple of days.
Well, if you're worried about her sleeping with THIS partner, don't be.
Not what I'm worried about.
Because I love you.
Yeah, not worried, Gary.
- And only you.
- I love you too.
And I love our relationship.
Lust, passion, spontaneity.
Those things don't matter to us.
No, we're much more than that.
We're based on trust and honesty and not having secrets from each other and really transparency's the thread that holds our marriage together.
Why are your pants down? My belt broke.
- Is that true? - No.
I thought we were gonna have sex.
- Ew.
Not with my mum around.
- But sex is good for stress.
Oh, what, so now you're the therapist? A sex therapist.
Pants on, Gary.
I've got to find Nicky.
Hey.
I can't believe you made me sleep in the spare room last night.
Well, that's where everyone thinks you're staying.
And with Sando around, I didn't think we should be taking any risks.
- Oh, yeah.
Risks like this? - Oh, here? - Well, no-one's around.
- Yeah, but on the food, you know.
But food can be sexy.
- Peanut butter? - Mm-hm.
- How? - Well, now, let's try something.
Um Oh, my God.
Please tell me this isn't what it looks like.
Don's belt broke.
Oh, great.
It's exactly what it looks like.
And with peanut butter? OK, Gary, the truth is, and don't tell Susie Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh! I'm not allowed to have secrets from her.
It's in our vows.
Our marriage is made up of transparent threads or something.
You know what? Put the peanut butter away.
- I don't want to know about it.
SUSIE: Gary! Shit.
Just grabbing the peanut butter! - OK.
Um, Nicky's not in her room.
- She's not in there.
I mean, that's the pantry, why would she - I'm just grabbing Weet-Bix.
- Oh, it's all gone.
It can't be all gone.
I bought a giant box of it yesterday.
- I ate it.
- The whole box? Gary, that is way too much fibre.
It was a dare from Eric.
Oh, well, I'll just have Nutri-Grain.
It was a double dare.
What is going on? OK, what's really going on - Mmm.
- .
.
is .
.
I'm taking you out for pancakes.
You and me.
Ready? - Great, let's go.
SANDO: Pancakes? Don't forget about me.
- How'd you find your way in? - I'm not a fucking idiot, Susie.
The pool house is right there.
Let me rephrase.
WHY did you find your way in? Because I've just had a brilliant idea.
Sunday night TV and takeaway family dinner night.
- What? - Like the good old days.
I assume YOU won't be joining us because you certainly didn't back then.
Oh, come on, you saw me over dinner when my ads came on at least.
I think it's time we go over the ground rules for your very, very temporary stay here.
I'm not sure two 'very's was necessary.
While you're here, I don't want to see you, hear you or talk to you.
I'll do you a deal.
You give me one see, two hears and you can keep the talks.
And in return, you have to forgive me.
Because I can't go on feeling like a piece of shit for something that happened 10 years ago, and then we could all bloody well move on! How about a 'sorry', Mum? Just an idea.
How about a sorry? - I said that.
- No, you haven't.
Oh, yes, of course I said (DON SNEEZES) Oh, wow! Ha! That was me.
Allergic to confrontation.
- So, are we good here? - No, you did not.
Fine.
- (TENTATIVELY) I'm sorry.
- Not bad.
Definitely heard some regret.
OK, OK, OK.
Sorry.
Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Goose bumps.
- Sorry.
- No, you're not.
- Oh.
- They're just words to you.
- You don't even mean it.
- OK, how about this? - Sorry! - Oh-oh.
Well, that was a spectacle.
Good enough, I reckon.
Actions speak louder than words, Mum.
- Have a little think about that.
- Alright.
Well, what the hell was that? That was a bloody great, big action.
Empty, Mum.
Meaningless.
Suse.
Suse, come on.
(DOORBELL CHIMES) What have I gotta do? (DOORBELL CHIMES) Can somebody get that, please?! I have to do everything in this house.
Answer the door, drink all the wine.
- We have to be more careful.
- Yes.
100%.
Hello, small man.
Who are you? Wassup? I'm Sando's son.
No, you're not.
I am.
Well, you're both right.
Vic Junior, meet Eric.
Eric, meet your baby brother Vic Junior.
Half-brother.
Hello, half-brother.
Where's your dad? Oh, Kevin's too scared of Susie, so he dropped me off and made me count to 20 before I rang the doorbell.
Well, seeing as how it's my week, you're gonna have to stay in the pool house with me.
Sweet.
Wait.
He gets to stay with you in your room? Oh, yeah, you're right.
It's not the best place for a kid.
Child Services will have a fit.
He can bunk in your room with you.
- My room? - Here you go.
- Huh? - We still on for the footy, Sando? Wouldn't miss it, son.
- Ow! - Oh, man.
- Eric! - Sorry.
So, where's our room? Oh, wow.
What's this? Do you like Star Wars? I have a signed poster of Jar Jar Binks from the original Star Wars, so, yeah, I like Star Wars.
Jar Jar wasn't in the original.
Uh, yes, he was - Episode I Phantom Menace.
Now, tell me more about this footy.
Sando and I watch it every Sunday.
Hey, bunk beds, man! Bro! The top is mine and off limits.
- Like the sign says.
- Why do you have a sign? - You'll be sleeping here.
- Hey, Eric, have you seen Nicky? Hi.
Susie, right? - I'm Vic Junior.
Sando's son.
- He means her other son.
I know this must be super-weird for you.
I was nearly your son, then Kevin and Sando go make me your brother.
Half-brother.
But, Suse Can I call you Suse? - Huh.
- Don't make me a symbol of your hate.
I did nothing wrong and neither did you.
So, the way I see it, we're just two innocent bystanders who happen to have the same nose, yeah? Yeah.
OK.
Thanks.
Hey, Suse? I like your nose.
Good.
- DICK Junior's here? - Gary, that's not very nice.
Dick Junior's the nickname YOU gave him.
Look, I thought I hated Vic Junior, but now that I've met him, I think I might actually like him.
Even though he's got my nose and the interview skills of a hostage negotiator.
- Really? - See, baby? Nicky's therapy is really helping me.
Six months ago I would have drowned that kid in the pool.
But now I actually think he might be my favourite brother.
OK, with the exception of Sando .
.
I'm in a really healthy place.
Hey, does that mean that you can handle anything? Good, bad, something really, really wrong? Mm-hm.
OK, I'm so happy to hear that 'cause there's this thing that I 'Cause I guess I finally feel like this is the first time people aren't out to betray me.
- And that's down to Nicky.
- Right.
I mean, of course if someone DID betray me, I would probably stab everyone involved.
- Right.
- Mm.
Oh, there's Rian.
She would never betray you.
Not now, Daddy.
I have something to say and I don't want to forget any of the words.
How cute.
Is this for school? I love my family.
There's nothing more important than family, or something.
And sometimes in life bad things are actually good.
Like chocolate and grandmas.
So from my heart to yours, isn't it time to forget Sando? I meant isn't it time to forbid Sando? SANDO: (WHISPERS) No, FORGIVE Sando.
Isn't it time to for-something Sando? (WHISPERS) Give! Give! .
.
me Oh, am I intruding in whatever whatever's going on here? Using my daughter now? I cannot believe you would stoop so low.
Me? What makes you think I have anything to do with what's going on here? Shit.
Oops.
I accidentally said one of your no-no words, Grandma.
It was cute swearing.
You just can't find a way to be sincere, can you? What are you talking about? That was sincere, wasn't it? Stay away from my daughter.
You ruined yours, you are not going to ruin mine.
Oh! I don't know how you do it, Gary.
She's a total nut-case handful.
(MUTTERS UNDER BREATH) DON: Oh! Bloody hell! Um, uhGary, that was break-up sex, mate.
Oh, yeah? Well, then how come there wasn't any crying? There's always crying in my experience.
At least from me.
Look, it started off as break-up sex but then it turned into make-up sex.
Why are you having ANY sex? Susie cannot handle another betrayal.
You're her dad.
And you're her best friend.
The only people you should be rooting is anyone but each other.
Crunchy peanut butter? I mean, doesn't the texture Whatever it's for, it's very difficult to fully visualise.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Ashamed! Your mama stuffed up, Vic.
I shouldn't have used Rian like that.
Yeah.
Terrible actress.
Susie will never forgive me at this rate.
- Go, Luke! Yes! - Oh, yes, yes, yes! NO! Eric, shush.
The footy's on.
Yes! Go, you good thing! Hey, Mum, surprise.
I got us movie tickets.
I thought we could have some special mother-son time.
Oh, Eric, that's very sweet, but I'm actually having some right now.
Mum, these tickets are non-refundable.
I'm sorry, sweetheart, but I've got a lot to do.
I've got to order a takeaway dinner for Why don't you take Vic Junior? He loves the movies.
Me? Why do I have to babysit? - I'm not a baby.
- Alright, you two.
Eric, it'll be fun.
It'll be just like I'm there.
Theatres are dark, our laughs are identical.
(LAUGHS) (JOINS IN) (LAUGHS) (PHONE BUZZES) Eric, would you stop that, please? That just sounds weird.
Oh, hey, Siggy, darling.
Thanks for calling me back.
Listen, I've got a little favour to ask.
Oh, yeah, and tell me we're not seeing a comedy, please.
No, we're seeing Ransom III, The Final Ransoming.
I love action movies, man! Let's go.
Do you do muay Thai? (SCREECHES) - What is wrong with you? - Wah! Mum! Mum, he's kicking! VOICEOVER: In the future, a robot created to be the perfect gamer became the perfect killer.
ROBOT: Game over.
Can you put this in your backpack? I don't want to get popcorn on it.
Sure.
Where'd you get this anyway? Birthday.
Sando gets me one every year.
Oh.
- Shit balls.
We forgot choc tops.
- We got popcorn.
We can't eat salty without sweet.
- But the movie's about to start.
- Better hurry, then, bro.
- I'm not your bro.
- With nuts, please.
Stupid idiot.
Shoot him! Yeah! "With nuts, please.
" Get your own nuts, Junior.
You can't let him get to you, Eric.
You're a man.
You're a grown-up.
You should be doing important things like hanging out with Mum one on one.
Let's see how that little kid handles life on his own.
(GASPS) What have I done? Vic? Vic? MAN: Shh.
- Vic! - Shh.
- Vic.
Vic.
WOMAN: Keep it down.
MAN: (ON MOVIE) You sonofabitch, give me back my grandson.
Sorry, I got lost.
- You're not Vic Junior.
- I'm Vic.
- You said Vic.
- Give me that back.
I can't believe you just did that.
Ah! (SHRIEKS) My eyeball! - Shh.
(THINKS) Rivers and oceans and Don's throbbing No! You need to get a grip, Nicky.
SUSIE: Nicky.
Nicky.
There you are.
- Oh, hey.
- Where have you been? Um, nothing.
I've just been organising the desk.
My mum is doing my head in.
Did you want a session, or No, I don't want therapist Nicky, I want friend Nicky.
Aw.
OK.
So, what's been happening? Are you OK? Um, yeah, look, you know what? I do have something I'd love to chat about.
Because I'm not.
And I thought I was, but every time I see my mum's face, I want to push it into a woodchipper, and that's not healthy.
No.
Maybe you should unpack that a little.
She doesn't listen to anyone.
She talks over the top of everyone.
Yeah, I know people like that.
They tend to Her whole thing is about herself, you know what I mean? It's, like, "Me, me, me, me.
" Like, doesn't give anything back.
Like, it's exhausting.
Yeah, it's pretty exhausting.
If you ever catch me behaving like that, just slap me.
Because I do not want to end up like her - just someone who takes, takes, takes.
(GASPS) I am so lucky to have you as a friend.
- Oh.
- You've always got my back.
Therapist Nicky, friend Nicky, I mean, I can't even tell the difference anymore.
- I have no idea.
- I love you, babe.
Oh, I love you too.
Do you know what? Maybe you and me should just go and get a coffee because there's something I've been really wanting to talk to you about.
Yeah, yeah.
I've got a webinar that I want to listen to about business structure, but another time.
- Yeah, yeah.
Another time.
- Good chat.
(SNIFFS) Can you smell peanut butter? Uhno.
(SNIFFS) So, you left your 10-year-old brother at the movies alone because you're jealous of his relationship with your mother? Yes, I know.
I told you that already.
- And now he's missing.
- Yes, I know.
I'm a monster.
Is that him? Baby half-brother! (SCREAMS) - Boo! (SHRIEKS) Oh, my God.
- I thought you were Susie.
- Lucky I'm not.
Would you believe she's still not over what happened 10 years ago? Yes.
Vic Junior forgot his schoolbag again.
- What's that for? - School.
- Oh, right.
SUSIE: Just going for a jog, Gary.
Do you have to be everywhere? Oh, hey, Susie.
Look, it's Kevin.
Hey.
Kevin.
Susie.
I don't know what to say except I messed up.
You never returned my calls or my emails, and I have no idea if you ever listened to the CDs that I burnt for you a while back.
But I know that's because of how much pain I put you through then, and I'll never, ever forgive myself for what I did.
And I just want you to know from the bottom of my heart that I'm so, so sorry, Susie.
Pathetic.
That's what you were thinking, wasn't it, Susie? I forgive you, Kevin.
You do? You what? It was a long time ago and you're remorseful and I've moved on.
But thank you, your apology means a lot to me.
This is bullshit! Kevin and I did the exact same crime and he gets forgiveness and a hug? His apology was sincere and, oh, yeah, he's not my mother.
I am starting to rethink that sixth Midori and lemonade that I let your father buy me 20-odd years ago! God, you're a dickhead, Kevin.
Bloody dickhead.
OK.
(WASHING MACHINE RUMBLES) I spoke with Susie.
- About us? - No.
God, no.
- Gary's right.
- We have to think of Susie.
- I can't stop thinking of Susie.
- I mean, I'm her father.
- I'm her best friend and therapist.
- So, it's over.
- Yeah.
With zero break-up sex.
- Oh, it has to be cold turkey.
Agreed.
- Well, you leave first.
- OK.
(WASHING MACHINE SPEEDS UP) Ignore these.
You're not holding them tight enough.
You shouldn't have done that.
You shouldn't have put it on spin cycle.
(DOOR OPENS) Hey.
How was the movie? Vic's fine.
What? Why are you wearing Vic Junior's jersey? Because of normal reasons.
What?! Vic's upstairs in my room just being a normal.
Just doing normal things, like, whatever normal kids do when everything's normal.
(PHONE RINGS) Vic Junior! Where are you? Help, Eric.
I've been kidnapped.
Kidnapped?! Listen to me carefully.
This next part is very important.
MAN: This is the kidnappers.
We have your half-brother.
What do you want? A choc top with nuts, a bag of Doritos, and you have to give Vic Junior the top bunk.
What? Please, no.
I'm only one man.
Here, give it to me.
You listen to me, I have a very particular set of skills.
Skills that I have acquired over years of doing deals.
What? No, Mum, no deals.
It's Vic Junior.
Well, that's a good point, Eric.
Um, would you consider taking my eldest son in exchange? Well, that depends.
Does he come with all of his unopened Lego Star Wars sets? Brother, you escaped! But how? They took you away in that car.
And he even gave me a free bottle of water.
That's how Uber works.
I don't understand.
You pranked me by pretending to leave me at the movies.
So I pranked you back because that's what brothers do.
You were pranking me, weren't you? What? Yes, that's what brothers do.
Fun ones.
That was so fun.
(SANDO AND ERIC LAUGH) (LAUGHS) Right.
I am not starting STVTFDN until all my family's here.
Sunday Night TV and Takeaway Family Dinner Night.
Oh, look, here she is.
- Just getting my book.
- Oh, hang on.
Just have a little seat here.
I've got something I want to show you.
Look, look, look.
Hey? Oh, I love her.
SIGRID: Furniture magnate .
.
self-made woman .
.
national treasure.
I may be all these things and more .
.
but I am also .
.
a mother.
I stuffed up, big-time.
But if someone can stuff up big-time, surely they can be sorry big-time.
Because I am sorry .
.
big-time.
I'm so sorry, Susie.
Please forgive me.
So that I can start to forgive myself.
Wow.
Just wow.
The fuck? It's an action.
It's sincere.
Not to mention the wow factor.
- You know her? - Yes.
And Susie was right.
I needed someone who could deliver meaning and remember their lines.
And there is nothing more meaningful than every word that comes out of that woman's mouth.
You will never get it.
So, if you'll excuse me.
No, I will NOT excuse you, Susie.
I could gather up every sorry in the world and put it in a basket with a bunch of puppies whose breath smelt like rainbows and you still wouldn't be happy! - Are we getting a puppy? - Mm-hm.
Now, I am no therapist But I am.
And as a web-certified expert, I'd really rather .
.
but I don't think this has anything to do with me not being sorry.
This is about you not wanting to forgive me.
Well, I forgave Kevin.
You forgave the name we're never supposed to speak? - Voldemort? - Mm-hm.
So, you know what? I'm not sorry.
I'm sorry? I am not sorry that I stopped a wedding that was never meant to happen.
You should never have married that dickhead Kevin, you should have married Gary, who obviously adores you.
That's Daddy! Don't even get me started on my precious granddaughter because Well, Susie, you just have the most beautiful family, and, soyou stay because I am no longer hungry.
Well, yeah? Well, I am no longer hungry first.
- I'm going to bed.
- Yeah, well, I'm going to bed first! (DOOR SLAMS, GLASS SHATTERS) (DOOR SLAMS) Should we eat? Who are you? (STOMACH RUMBLES) They've eaten all the takeaway.
Rian's leftover birthday cake.
Do you want some? Oh.
Yeah.
Thanks.
That's OK.
Oh, that's good.
You just can't help it, can you? Help what? Ohsorry.
Yeah, sure you are.
(DOOR CLOSES) Oh.
VIC JUNIOR: Eric.
Eric, are you awake? I'll take that blink as a yes.
I just want you to know that I know today wasn't a prank.
And one day, I don't know when, you'll pay for that.
(GULPS) Also, you still owe me a choc top with you know what.
Nuts.
Captions by Red Bee Media Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation