Sanford and Son (1972) s01e02 Episode Script

Happy birthday to me Happy birthday To me Happy birthday Fred Sanford Happy birthday To me Happy birthday Happy birthday to me To me.
S.
Social security, S.
Happy birthday to me All social security lines are temporarily busy.
Please remain on the line and one of our service representatives will speak to you.
This recording does not repeat, so please wait until a line is free.
Bet I wouldn't have to wait if I was white.
Hello? Yes.
Huh? Now, is this a person talking, or is this a machine? Well, good, 'cause this is a person talkin' too.
This is Fred Sanford.
That's S-A-N-F-O-R-D period, speakin'.
Yeah, I'm 65 years old today.
Yeah, and what I want to know is how do I start getting my social security? Takes how long? Three months? Well, how come it takes so long? Well, I can see why it takes so long.
Well, okay, bye.
- What's happenin', Pop? - Hey, son.
Is that for me? - What? - That.
Oh, no.
These are for me.
I stopped by the Goodwill store and they was having a special on paperback books.
Eight cents apiece.
You can't beat that, Pop.
Hey, here's one.
Look at this.
The Everyday Book of Etiquette.
And here's another one.
Basic Fundamentals of Plumbing.
And here's one that we was really lucky to get, Pop.
A Beginner's Guide to Better Bowling.
Now, there's some good stuff in here.
We're gonna improve on our minds.
- Forgot, didn't you? - Forgot what? My own son, and you forgot.
What are you talkin' about, "I forgot"? You keep talkin' about I forgot something, I want to know what I forgot.
Forget it.
When you get my age, you might as well be dead.
Nobody knows you're around.
Nobody cares.
Won't be too much longer.
Any day now I'll be going to join your mother.
Well, good night, son.
I'm going to bed.
If I'm lucky, I'll sleep until Gabriel wakes me up.
If not, I'll see you the usual time.
Hey, Pop, maybe you'd like to take this with you.
What's that? Happy birthday, Pop.
- You mean you didn't forget? - Of course I didn't forget.
Man, I had you going there for a while, didn't I? That's a mean thing to do, makin' me wait all day for it.
Had you goin'.
You thought I forgot.
You like it? Yeah.
It-It-It's It's a hat, ain't it? No.
It's a lamp shade.
Of course it's a hat.
Hey, come over here, Pop, and try it on, man.
See if it's the right size.
See, I wasn't sure.
Ah, yeah.
- That looks hip.
That looks real hip.
- Yeah, I look pretty good.
I had a hat like this once, but it got run over.
See, there's different things you can do with that hat, Pop.
You can snap down the brim in the front like that.
I don't like that.
Make me look like a cop.
That wouldn't be too good for this neighborhood.
Or, or, or you could break down the brim on one side like this.
A whole lot of people like to wear it like that.
Now that made me look kinda queer.
You don't want your dad to look queer, do you? No, I like it more like this.
That's the way Reverend Trimble wears his.
Yeah, that's the best.
Hey, Pop, look right here.
You see right here on the sweatband, it says "F.
S.
" - What's that? - What's that? That's your initials, Pop.
What you think it was? It's on the sweatband "F.
S.
" could have meant "for sweating.
" Well, you just take good care of that hat.
I don't want you wearin' it around here in all this mess.
- Oh, I ain't.
- That hat ain't for every day.
This is for weddings and funerals and the social security office.
You see, that hat is a light gray, Pop, and it'll pick up spots.
I could've got you a black one or a brown one but gray sort of highlights your face.
- Yeah, it does do that, don't it? - Yeah.
Brown will limit you in your wardrobe.
You can wear gray with anything, Pop.
- This go with every sweater I own.
- Yeah.
I'm glad you like it.
Yeah, I like it.
Hey, I almost forgot the card.
Wait a minute here.
- "Happy birthday, Dad.
" - You're gonna read that out loud? Of course.
I like to read it out loud.
- "Happy birthday, Dad.
" - Yeah, but I know what it says.
I bought it.
You don't have to read it out loud.
But I like to read it out loud.
Now you hush.
- "Happy birthday, Dad.
" - I don't know what for.
Because I like to.
Now hush! "Happy birthday, Dad.
" - It's only a card.
- Will you hush? "Happy birthday, Dad.
The sentiment I feel for you, I simply cannot hide.
So I wish you happy birthday with loads of love and pride.
Even if I don't tell you that you mean the world to me you have to know you're everything a wonderful dad can be.
From your loving son, Lamont.
" That's real sweet.
Why didn't you want me to read it out loud? Well, it's kinda corny, Pop.
- Corny? - Yeah.
- You don't believe what it says? - I didn't say that.
It's just that, you know, birthday cards, they get mushy.
Mushy? Then you don't believe what the card says.
I didn't say that.
See, I like the hat, but I like the card better.
All right, keep the card, and I'll take the hat back.
No, you give me the hat and you take the card.
You don't believe it.
- I bought it, didn't I? - Yeah, but you didn't read it.
- Of course I read it.
- But you didn't believe it.
- You're never satisfied.
- You ain't got no feelings.
You ain't got no gratitude.
I never heard you say thank you.
- Okay.
Thank you.
- Okay! Say, you know, this is the best-lookin' hat I ever owned.
But I like the card and the hat.
- That hat ain't for every day.
- I know that.
If you wearin' that hat when it rains, I want you to take it off.
- Take it off in the rain? - That's right.
It'll get spots, and you'll have a speckled hat.
But if I take it off in the rain, I'll catch cold.
A cold you can get rid of in three days.
A speckled hat you'll have forever.
- I guess you're right.
- Of course.
- Hey, we better start getting ready.
- Getting ready? - Yeah.
We going out tonight.
- What for? What for? The hat's only half the present.
- I'm taking you out tonight.
- You are? Sure.
You're 65 today, Pop and I'm gonna take you out instead of some chick.
Now, me and you don't go out together no more.
Why is that? 'Cause I'm 65, and I ain't no chick.
Okay.
Well, I'm gonna take you out for a drink then I'm gonna take you to a movie that you need a reservation for and then we going to dinner.
And I'm gonna wear my new hat 'cause it don't look like no rain.
You can wear your new hat, but put on a suit, a shirt and a tie.
I got to put on a shirt and a tie? Pop, when you go out in style, you wear a suit, a shirt and a tie.
Well, okay.
You got enough gas in the pickup? No, we ain't taking no old, broken-down truck on this date.
We going out high-style, Pop.
We going in a taxi.
- A taxi? In a taxi? - Yeah, that's right.
You mean we're going in a taxi? Imagine that.
Takin' a taxi and ain't even nobody going to the hospital.
Hey, why'd I have to dress up for to come here, put on a shirt and a tie? What are you talkin' about, Pop? This is a nice place.
This ain't no honky tonk bar.
Look like a bunch of honkies to me.
Say, aren't you gonna take off your hat? What? - Aren't you gonna take off your hat? - No.
- You can't sit here with your hat on.
- Why not? Ain't gonna be no preachin'.
Just gonna be some drinkin'.
- Evenin', gentlemen.
- Good evening.
- What'll it be? - What are you gonna have to drink, Dad? Give me a minute.
Give me one of these Shirley Temples.
Oh, Shirley Temple.
He's only kidding.
He knows that's just something you make for kids.
Order something else, Pop.
You got, uh I like beer.
You got beer on tap? No, sir, just bottled beer.
I don't like bottled beer.
Got too much gas.
Make me burp.
Have something else, Pop.
I don't like bottled beer.
Make me burp.
- You don't have to have bottled beer.
- I don't like to burp.
Say, I like canned beer.
You got a can of beer? No, I'm sorry, sir.
Excuse me.
What's the matter with you? Order something and stop makin' a fuss.
I ordered a Shirley Temple.
It's the cheapest thing they got here.
Stop worryin' about what everything costs.
I'm paying for this.
Well, let's go somewhere where they got some beer on tap.
- What? - Let's find a supermarket and we can get a six-pack and drink it in the parking lot.
Well, have you decided? How would you like a nice old-fashioned? How would you like one across your lip? Don't be callin' me old-fashioned.
You better talk to him.
He's not calling you old-fashioned.
That's the name of the drink.
That's what he'll have, an old-fashioned.
Fine, and for you? I'll have a vodka martini, straight up, very dry with a twist of lemon.
And don't stir it too hard.
I don't want it bruised.
That was funny.
You don't want it bruised.
You big dummy.
Would you just quiet down? Hey, this is a nice place, ain't it, Pop? It's all right.
Ain't got no pinball machine.
- Not in a place like this.
- It might be in the back.
Hey, you got a pinball machine? I told you they didn't have no pinball machine.
Everybody's looking at you.
Well, let 'em look, but don't let 'em touch.
Here we are.
A vodka martini and an old-fashioned.
- Where's the ice cream? - The ice cream? Look like a sundae to me.
- How much do we owe you for the drinks? - That'll be $2.
50.
Two dollars and fifty cents? Two-fifty? Here's three dollars.
Keep the change.
Oh, thank you very much.
And a fifty-cent tip.
Three dollars for two drinks.
We could've got a half case of muscatel for three dollars.
Would you just pipe down and drink your drink? Oh, wow.
That's sweet.
Why, that's like drinkin' syrup.
If you're gonna get me some syrup, why not get me some hotcakes to go with it? All right, just don't drink it.
Let's get out of here.
It's almost time for the movie anyway.
Good.
I don't care if we do leave here.
Ain't got no beer on tap and they servin' them sweet drinks and don't even have a pinball machine.
What kind of place Hey, get a pinball machine! - Hey, man, watch that hat.
- Oh, excuse me.
Wow.
You know what? You sure can pick 'em.
- What are you talkin' about now? - This Fiddler on the Roof.
Whatever it is.
What is it? What is it? It's a musical, Pop.
A great musical.
I don't believe you.
You sit there and you watch it and you still don't know what it's all about.
I know what it's all about.
It's all about a milkman with a ugly wife and five daughters, and he's always fussin' at God.
I take you to see a movie that was the biggest hit on Broadway and it don't mean nothin' to you.
Don't mean nothin' to me 'cause I ain'tJewish.
Then how come it ran for seven years on a stage in New York? - What does that mean? - A whole lot ofJews in New York.
And I was readin' about how it was a big hit over in Japan too.
Whole lot of'em over there too.
You don't know nothing.
You know what the trouble with you is? You don't have what it takes to understand.
If it ain't some TV show, then you just don't dig it.
It's gotta be something you can understand, like Gunsmoke.
What's wrong with Gunsmoke? There's nothing wrong with Gunsmoke.
It's just that there's other things.
At least Marshal Dillon don't stand around complaining.
You know don't catch him yelling up at the sky.
If somethin' bothers him, he just draw his.
45 and he don't even have to bother God.
There's no use talkin' to you.
Hey, come on.
The second half is starting.
- You mean there's more? - Of course there's more.
- We only seen half of it.
- I ain't going back in there.
What do you mean, you're not going back in there, Pop? Don't let me stop you.
You go back in.
I'll take the bus home.
You did plenty.
You bought me a new hat and bought me a sweet drink.
See, I'll just go on home and watch TVwith my new hat on.
- Oh, come on.
Let's go.
- No, don't let me spoil it for you.
No, I told you I was gonna take you out to dinner.
I hope you like this place 'cause you ain't liked the other places we've been.
I like where we've been going, but I don't like what we've been gettin'.
Gentlemen, the second half is starting.
You better hurry.
Oh, man, the movie's too long.
Don't want to hear that.
Get them cartoons over here.
This way, gentlemen.
Here's a nice table for two.
Say, we're gonna need another chair.
- Three chairs? - Yeah.
One for me, one for him and one for my new hat.
Excuse me, sir.
- Thank you.
Can I use that napkin? - Oh, yes, sir.
I'll be right back with a menu.
This is a real Chinese restaurant, ain't it? No, it's a pizza parlor.
Of course it's a Chinese restaurant.
I can't eat in here.
I can't eat that Chink food.
Are you gonna start again? You never know what they gonna have in it, see.
Really.
I heard of a fella once who was eating some chop suey - and you know what they found in it? - I don't want to hear about it.
Soap.
That's what they found in it.
See, these people do their cookin' and laundry in the same pot.
Thank you.
Say, this is in Chinese.
We won't even know what we're eatin'.
The English is on the other side.
And I'll do the orderin'.
We'll have some egg foo yung some lobster Cantonese some pineapple chicken and some fried won ton.
Fried won ton? What's that? That's Chinese kreplach.
Oh, I ain't gonna eat that.
That stuff will kill you.
What would you like, sir? I'd like some ham hocks and lima beans.
Are you crazy? You know they don't have that here, Pop.
This is a Chinese restaurant.
Just relax.
You'll like what I ordered.
- That'll be all, Waiter.
Thank you.
- Thank you, sir.
You know, these Chinese sure are getting pushy.
Maybe we shouldn't have let them in the U.
N.
Hey, listen, want my son to help you with that check? - What? - He knows this place.
He can help you.
Oh, no, thank you.
Hey, look here.
I wouldn't be here if it weren't for my son.
- This is my birthday.
- Oh, is that so? Yeah.
I'm 65 today.
- I don't look it, do I? - No, you don't.
- Pop, why don't you stop it? - I'm talking to this man over here.
I got freedom of speech.
Hey, look here.
This dinner is just part of my birthday present.
- My son bought me this new hat.
- Well, it's very nice.
- You're a very lucky man.
- Yeah, I figure I'm lucky.
Hey, listen here.
He took me to the movie too.
We saw that picture Fiddler Up a Roof.
- You see that yet? - No, not yet.
Well, save your money 'cause we left in the middle of it, it was so bad.
Is that so? I heard it was very good.
He must be one.
What's the matter? That was a good movie, and I liked what I saw of it.
Oh, what you know, dummy? - Okay, darling? - Hey, hey, listen.
I don't look 65, do I? No, you don't.
Happy birthday.
Hey, thanks a lot.
That's a nice white fella.
You're a pest.
A great big pest.
You was being a pest when you was bugging that man.
Now I want you to just sit here and mind your own business, all right? Egg foo yung.
Lobster Cantonese.
Pineapple chicken.
This is fried won ton.
Very good.
That smells! It smell like insect spray.
I'll bet you they gave it a shot so that when it got out here would nothin' on the plate move.
That did it.
Now I've had it.
I had it with you and this whole dumb evening and all your complaining.
You don't have to eat.
You don't have to do nothing 'cause I'm leaving.
There's nothing that satisfies you.
Waiter, can I have the check, please? Here.
Take this $5.
00 and go buy your own dinner and celebrate the way you want to, but this is it with me and you for tonight.
- Is anything wrong, sir? - Everything is fine.
I have to leave.
- Here.
Keep the change.
- Thank you, sir.
You want to take food home? - You want doggie bag? - I don't think so.
Chinese food good for you.
Lots of vegetable, rice.
Very healthy.
I don't like Chinese food.
Make me burp.
I'm sorry, sir.
I'm not gonna eat that.
Say, Pop, where's breakfast? Man, I gotta get goin'.
Pop! You ain't even dressed! Ain't you gonna cook breakfast? I ain't cookin' nothing.
I'm retired.
Retired? Yeah.
I applied for social security.
And you know how much I'll be getting? They pay high as $213.
10.
That's enough for me to retire.
Are you crazy? They won't pay you much 'cause you haven't earned much.
- Oh, yeah? You wait and see.
- They pay you by what you've earned.
I ain't done nothing for you and nobody else.
You're lookin' at a man of leisure.
Say, what's that number there? Five, five, five one, nine seven, three.
Yeah, you're on your own, boy.
Hello, Social Security? This is Fred Sanford.
That's S-A-N-F-O-R-D period, speaking.
Yeah, I'm applying for social security, and what I want to know is how much will I be gettin' every month? Yeah, I'll wait.
Sanford.
If I was you, I'd go down to the diner and get some breakfast 'cause this kitchen is closed, due to retirement.
Hello? Yeah.
Did you find it? How much? How come? How you want your eggs?