Scot Squad (2014) s01e02 Episode Script

1 Welcome to Scotland, the land where the north meets the south.
But it isn't all steep crags, castles and ceilidhs, especially not for the new unified police force that now polices the country with force.
Join us as we tail the teams trailing the many terrains of the tartan territory.
They're brave, they're tough, they arethe Scot Squad.
HORN BLASTS As Chief Commissioner, Cameron Miekelson's job is to be the face of the police, the voice of the police How hard is it to spot a bam? .
.
and the bodyof the police.
Ah, you know, it's not for me to use the word "leader", I mean, that's for other people to decide whether I I am Yes, it is for me, as it turns out, to say I am a leader.
I am responsible for thousands of people and I am running a major corporation.
I am a Steve Jobs.
I am aTheo Paphitis.
I'm Papa John, you know? Scotland's roads can be a dangerous place.
But for rookie traffic cop Hugh McKirdy, his new partner is happy to help him get safely up to speed.
When I got the job and I got the new position here, next to PC Singh, I was delighted because there's There's naebody like you.
He knows road law like the back of his hand, he knows every rule in the book, so I'm here to learn and I'm only going to learn off the best.
Well, it's almost like I'm Obi-Wan and he's Luke Skywalker, you know? What's that? - It's Star Wars.
- I don't watch that.
What is it, Star Wars? - Yeah, Star Wars.
- See, I'm learning already.
It's in at the deep, end as PC McKirdy puts his life on the line to clear a hazard from the highway before any potential pile-up.
I found this mad bag of stuff, look.
The officers are surprised to discover that the bag is filled to the brim with pirated CDs.
Is that "Suz and Boyle"? MUSIC: Give It To Me Baby by The Offspring Pretty Fly For A White Guy.
.
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To me, baby You don't mind me singing this, eh? - It's no' racist? You don't have offence? - Well, you are white.
MUSIC: I Breath Again by Adam Rickitt It's him, that's that boy from Coronation Street.
Adam Rickitt.
- Coronation Street? - Aye! Eh Gail Platt's boy.
MUSIC: Blue by Eiffel 65 # .
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Da ba dee, da ba die, da ba dee Da ba die, da ba dee Da ba die, da ba dee, da ba die Da ba dee, da ba die WOMAN MOANS ON CD - Is that folks shagging? - It can't be.
- Mate! - It cannae be that, what is this? - That's all right, innit? The first-ever CD I bought was Michelle McManus after she won the Pop Idol.
# All this time I waited a lifetime for today That was the winner's song.
MUSIC: Highway To Hell by AC/DC My friends are gonna be there too # .
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Too # I'm onon the highway to hell I'm on the highway to hell Today, I'm here at BBC Scotland.
I'm shortly to appear on the morning show on the radio to discuss the launch of the new Scottish police logo.
I thought it was James Naughtie, but apparently I'm discussing the matters with a Mr Fred MacAulay? This is MacAulay And Co on BBC Radio Scotland, 92-95 FM, 810 medium wave.
Online and on digital - Hi there, sir, can I help you? - Cameron Miekelson, - Fred MacAulay show.
- Sorry, sir, do you have any ID to get through? Oh, I wasn't told I needed ID.
I'm on the Fred MacAulay show.
I'm the guest, guest of honour.
And do you have an appointment with him? Obviously I have an appointment, I'm on the show.
- Is there not somebody - You need to wait till I get ID for you.
I'll get you a pass.
You could be anybody.
I'm not anybody, I'm Cameron Miekelson, Chief Commissioner - of the police.
You must recognise me from the news.
- I'm afraid not, sir.
You can get these uniforms anywhere these days.
- All right, get my pass.
- You could be an impostor.
- Get my pass.
One moment.
Thank you.
HE SIGHS Hi, can you let me in? Look, I'm not the security guard.
I'm the chief of police.
- I haven't got any hands free.
- I'm not working the door here.
- Please.
- I'm the chief of police.
I can't let you in.
I don't have a pass.
I'm not even allowed in.
And I'm the chief of Could you just let me in, please? - Here's the man, he'll let you in.
- Here you go, here's your pass, sir.
Now we can get in.
- There, there! Let me in! - OK, on you go.
- OK.
- Thank you.
- Don't let him in.
- All right.
- Thank you.
Lionel Richie may think things are easy like a Sunday morning, but unlike Officers McIntosh and Mackay, he's never had to police the countryside on a Sunday morning.
- Saw a good documentary last night.
- Oh, yeah? What on? Just about this man with four ears.
We were out on an early Sunday morning shift, which is normally one of our quietest, 'but actually, we stumbled across something we did not expect.
' - Whoa, whoa.
- Whoa! Was that what I thought it was? Hold the boat.
That's definitely a person.
- That's a girl.
- Let's get out there.
- Excuse me! - Hello! - Excuse me! - Hi there.
- Hello, can you hear us? - Are you OK? - Oh, you're OK.
- It's all right, it's all right! - We're the police here.
- We're just here to help.
- Where am I? - We're the police.
- You're all right.
- Take your time.
You're OK, you're just a bit stunned.
- Where's my shoe? - Be careful.
- We'll get your shoes.
- I'll get your shoes.
- Take it easy.
- I'm taking it I'm fine.
We'll get you in the car, maybe dry you up? OK? Find out what's happened to you? We'll put you in here.
Come on.
No, you're fine, come on.
- There we go.
- That's you.
Up you go, just watch your head.
Are you OK? OK, how are you feeling there? Fine.
Do I look fine? I'm bogging from head to toe.
- I've ruined by - BLEEP - shoes! - OK, we're here to help.
- Tell us what happened.
What's been happening? Have you fallen off your bicycle? - Was I on a bicycle? - I don't SHE SNORTS AND LAUGHS Do you mind if I have a wee drink? Yes, I do mind, I'm afraid, unless it's an Um Bongo or a Capri-Sun, I'm afraid I can't permit it.
- It's fine.
- OK.
If you think it will relax her.
SHE GARGLES All right, what happened was, I was on a night out, right? - And I was out with my boyfriend George.
- Oh, that's nice.
But George is a typical twat, right, where he sees this girl, who's blonde, with bigger boobs than me.
She's an absolute asshole, right.
"What is it that you want from me? Do you want me to stay out tonight? "Do you want me just to bugger off so you can go down the road "with some wee skanky whore-looking piece of bleachy crap?" - I don't know.
- Right? - Well, obviously you don't know, you weren't there! - I know, I know.
Anyway, so I was, "Look, forget it.
" - Do you know what he done? - No.
He turned around and kissed her right in front of me.
He was fingering her and all.
I seen him! Do you know what I mean? He was effing stinking.
Do you mind, right, if I phoned my mum? - Because - Now that is a very sensible idea.
- I think you should.
Can I use it as my one call? All right, you bawbag? Aye, you're dumped! Aye, it's me! I hope you enjoy the wee bleachy twat! Bye! - I don't think that was - I think - Was that your mum? Does she bleach? - He makes me so bloody angry! Now, basically, what had happened was, she'd been out for a night out, she'd got on the night bus from the city and she'd been kicked off that bus for being too drunk and too mouthy, probably, and she ended up crawling into a bush for some shelter, where she'd fallen asleep.
- Come on.
- We'll get you to the bus station, how about that? We'll take you there, get you dry, we'll get you on your way home, how does that sound? It'll all feel better after a sleep.
- OK, Lana? - Thank you.
- Is that good? - Thank you - No problem.
- WPC McIntosh.
- You sit back and relax.
- Let me put my shoes on.
- You don't have to.
I want to put my shoes on! - OK.
- Well, then, you just go right ahead.
Sit back and put your seat belt on.
Call centre worker Maggie LeBeau is the capable queen of communication, consistently quelling cranks, questioning crackpots and quizzing callers.
Do I ever get bored of my job? No, definitely not.
It's just wild every day.
I've got details of a stolen vehicle for you, registration is golf two zero, three golf oscar golf.
The make and model is a VolkswagenGolf and it's been taken from the golf club.
No, sorry, we just don't have anything to do with PPI.
I find it unlikely that One Direction are going to be playing Larkhall Bowling club.
Turn the music down! I love Britney Spears too, but I can't hear anything! This chap calls up and his wife's actually in labour having a baby.
Don't have time to transfer them to the medical services.
I have watched a fair few episodes of One Born Every Minute, so I just thought, "I can do this myself," and I did, talked him through it, and I'll show you.
This is wee Sophie here, wee Sophie, there she is.
And, I mean, I know I'm not her mum, obviously, but I feel like we'll always have a special connection.
Desk Sergeant Karen Ann Millar may have moved to a new station Officer Karen, all right? How are you doing, Officer Karen? I've been around ten police stations trying to find you today.
Where have you been? But no matter where she's at, Millar's mission is to offer a helping hand to whomever happens to happen upon her habitat, from those whose smalls are missing to those who are missing a small dog.
All right, Officer Karen? Hello, Bobby, what can we do for you today? I'm wondering if you've got any news on Fridge, and I've also got a couple of suggestions to help the case.
I'm afraid we haven't found him yet, Bobby, sorry.
Me and Uncle Jeffie were watching an American show and it was missing persons on the back of a milk carton.
I was thinking that you could put a picture of Fridgy - on the milk carton.
- The issue we have at the moment, Bobby, is we only have one picture of Fridge and it's a crayon drawing that you've done.
- Put it on the back of the milk carton.
- It's in black and white.
I'm not convinced it'll stand out very well against the text.
I don't see what racism's got to do with dogs.
I think perhaps you're getting a wee bit excited about this.
Now, if you could provide us with an actual photograph of Fridge Can you do the sketch artists with the police crime scenes, do you do that as well? I can show you what he looks like, I'll do it.
Have you got a photograph of Fridge with you, then? It's just as good as a photograph.
OK, well, if you've got anything with you, let me see.
OK, basically, he kind of looks likethat.
- Right.
- If you just want to sketch it You can stop that now, Bobby.
It's fine, I get I get where you're going with it.
- I was just getting good memories, flashbacks.
- Yeah.
- Should I go now? - I think Aye.
If you get anything or any information, if you can phone me or Uncle Jeffie.
Even if you leave a voicemail on the voice machine, even if you just leave it for me, or if you leave it for Uncle Jeffie, Uncle Jeffie can tell that you left me a voicemail, and then I'll listen to it, obviously, and then I'll come down.
That's really helpful, thank you.
Or I'll phone you back and I'll leave you a voicemail, even.
- That's what we'll do.
- If you would want that.
- That sounds like a plan.
OK.
Well, I'll go now, right? - Right.
- Thanks a lot for your help, right? - See you later, Bobby.
- Bye-bye.
See you later, Officer Karen.
The public perception of the police is paramount, and with his moment on the microphone mere minutes away, the Chief Commissioner is remaining focused.
I think I've just realised who you are.
- You're a comedian as well as a radio boy.
- That's right, yeah.
That's right.
We tried to book you to do the after-dinner stuff.
- Mate, you're pricing yourself out of the market.
- Do you reckon? I mean, that I mean, really? - Well - I mean, they just want a couple of jokes, - we're not asking you to take us to the moon.
- No, no.
Well - Everybody's got their price, you know? - That's true.
So how many of those do you do a year? Well, that's really between me and the Inland Revenue, if I declare it.
- That's just a joke! - Oh, no, of course, you do.
Otherwise that'd be a crime! And I'd be on you.
Eh? I pay my taxes.
Not that you're from the Revenue or anything.
No, no, no.
But I've got friends.
'.
.
BBC Radio Scotland News.
' Thank you very much, and welcome back.
This is Fred MacAulay, BBC Radio Scotland, and I'd like you to keep your texts and e-mails coming in this morning.
Collections - what odd things do you collect? Davey from Blantyre says, "Previous convictions, Fred.
LOL.
" He must know who my next guest is.
He's the Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Police Force, - Cameron Miekelson.
Mr Miekelson, good morning.
- Good morning.
- Thank you for having me, Fred.
- It's good of you to come in.
- Not at all.
- Big day today.
- Yes.
- You're in because you've brought in the new logo.
This is the logo It's diamond shaped.
And within the diamond, we've got a thistle and within the thistle, there's a shield with a crown and the shield is almost like a face, it's like two eyes and It's a clever little face.
We haven't put any Latin on it, because - No motto.
- No.
We searched up and down Scotland, up hill and down dale, couldn't find a single Latin speaker.
- Is this logo going to be on your hat or your clothing? - No.
- No.
We don't envisualise it being on the hat, unless it's - I mean, there is a logo there.
- Oh, it's a similar hat.
Oh, they might just have used Now you say that, - I see what they've done, actually.
- The old one was a thistle - They've taken the old logo off the hat.
- Yeah.
And they've put it on the white cut.
But they've left the Latin on.
- You can probably see it, on the hat's the Latin.
- Semper vigilo.
- That's it.
Andalwaysumvigilant.
But they've taken that off.
So that's as I explained.
Well, there has been a fair bit of publicity about the cost.
Some have said extortionate.
Others have said extortionate doesn't even get close - to what you have spent.
Is it money well spent? - Of course it is.
It's start-up costs, so 1.
2 million for design costs.
- Is that the figure you were given? - That's the figure I was given, yeah.
But I thought that was for everything.
I thought that was for a new design for the whole of the police force.
- But it's just for the logo.
- Yes, it's just for the I wouldn't say JUST for the logo, because this is a logo for now and for ever, in my view.
We won't be redesigning.
This will be the logo, Fred, in 1.
2 million years.
- As far as I'm concerned.
So it cost a pound.
- A pound a year.
It cost a pound a year.
So the old one was a thistle and a bit of a shield and a crown and the new one's a thistle, a bit of a shield and a crown.
- Without the Latin.
- Without the Latin.
Back on the rural road to recovery, Charlie provides reviving fluids.
- Chocolate! Eh? - Oh! I love you so much.
Surely! Oh.
Oh.
No trouble.
- I'm no' sure this was such a good idea.
- Whoa, whoa.
No, no, no.
SHE VOMITS Hold her hair back.
PCs McIntosh and Mackay's duty of care terminates at the terminus.
- Big step.
That's it.
- I've got a hole in my tights.
That's OK, think that's the least of your worries.
20 minutes.
How's that? Eh? Perfect.
Please don't wait.
Thank you so much.
Put your head between your knees if you're feeling sick.
That's what we used to do in primary school.
- Bye! - Bye-bye, take care.
- Enjoy work.
- She was some cookie.
- That was an interesting character.
Yeah! I really love her shoes, I meant to ask her where she got them from.
We did you get your shoes? I stole them! - She what? Did she? - I think just keep driving.
Next time, she'll do her sleeping in a bed, not a bush.
But the Scottish police force isn't just about dealing with the morning after the night before.
Crime never sleeps, so neither does the Scot Squad, policing Scotland 24/7, seven days a week.
And when the sun does go down, for city cops Jack McLaren and Sarah Fletcher, it's time to shine.
We were called to an assault on just a guy on his own in a pub.
'He'd been punched in the face.
'The young gentleman told us it was somebody in fancy dress.
' - You're describing him as a snowman.
- With two heads.
A snowman with two heads.
With blows to the head, sometimes it impairs what you remember and what you don't remember.
Sometimes things are dreamlike states.
But you're saying snowman with with two heads.
Would you say this? Obviously, it would be the back of that image walking away.
We took the sketch round some local areas, chatting to people in fancy dress.
- Do yous always wear the same get-up, lads, or? - '80s chefs? We came up against some ridiculous fancy dress.
- I mean, who goes out dressed as a sexy horse? - Those lassies.
All right, girls, how yous doing? There's been an assault this evening by, believe it or not, Siamese snowmen.
Two snowmen joined as one? - What is that? - Sexy.
Mind you, they could have went out as slugs and made it sexy.
You're like a big Clydesdale, you, aren't you? No, in a good way.
I tell you what, the best-looking Clydesdale I've ever seen.
Big tall lassie.
No, big, beautiful Clydesdale, honestly.
Watch you don't flirt too hard, you might get a bit HORSE, Jack.
THEY LAUGH Quite cheap.
No' really.
Tell you what, if you're a horse, I'm a jockey.
- I dinnae need a mask like that.
- Well done, well done.
- Hung like a! Hung like a! - WHISTLE BLASTS Lovely, thank you(!) See yous later, ladies.
Bye! All the best.
Anyone.
No' fussy.
Anyone.
Scotland is Europe's number one destination for live R&B, which makes it a top target for illicit merchandising.
Volunteer officer Ken Beattie is out to wreck the crooks' party.
This evening, I've been asked to report on duty to the Hydro, back here, cos there is a gig on.
A music gig.
It will be lots of people.
10,000, I'm led to believe.
I'm there to be on hand, just to make sure everybody is safe and cars are parked properly.
That's a bit a bit skew-whiff, there.
That's fantastic parking.
My word.
That's That makes me sick.
It's actually Beyonce who's performing this evening, who I'm actually rather a big fan of.
You know, I think she's fantastic.
She really is.
She stands up for independent woman.
She's an independent woman herself and the work I do with the prostitutes and stuff like that, I can really relate to her.
Right here! Get your gear! - Crazy in love with these T-shirts, you will be.
- Hi there, sir.
- Hi.
How are you doing? What exactly is it you're? - Selling T-shirts and merchandise.
- So is this official? - Yes, it's official.
- I spoke to her.
- You actually spoke to Beyonce? - Yep.
Have you got actual proof of this? I think you'll need verification that you're allowed to sell - I've got a letter.
- A letter? "I hereby give you permission to use my face as well as my name "or names on your merchandise.
" I don't think this is official, sir.
I mean, it is.
Even if it is, sir, you need actual permits.
Without the permits, I'm afraid you can't sell here.
- So, if you'd kindly take yourself away.
- Sorry about that.
With the trail of the snowmen running cold, Jack and Sarah look for some assistance from the night-life knowledge network.
We tend to know quite a lot of the bouncers in the city centre.
We keep them on side, we share things together.
Carrots for noses? Aye, they're in there, aye.
- In there, aye? - Smashing, thank you, Judith.
Thank you.
Oh, Jack, it's smoky in here.
I can't see.
Hello? Can you see me? Have you seen any snowman? There they are.
Right, out you come.
Squeeze through that door.
You were hardly going to get away with it, - were you, dressed like that? - Yeah, so what's going on? We've been all over the town trying to find you.
Dinnae shake your fist at me.
Hitting an innocent boy.
Come on.
Actually, that's exactly what I drew.
That's exactly like my image.
- Pretty good.
- Aye, well done.
- Thanks, Judith.
Cheers, Judith.
Thank you.
See you later.
It looks like these boys are going to have to put their plans for a night out on the town on ice.
Which is lucky, cos the only place they'll be chilling in is in a cold cellfor two.
Back on the Beyonce beat, Ken Beattie is about to say HALO to a recurring rip-off merchant.
- Get your T-shirts here.
- Hey, hey.
I thought I told you.
You can't be selling your stuff here.
No' you again.
Look, I'm sorry, but I told you explicitly, without a permit, you cannot sell.
I will have to ask you to move on again, I'm afraid.
How about I tell you what the password is to get you into the gig? - To get me in the door to see? - To see Beyonce.
- Actually Beyonce? - Aye, I know the password.
- OK, right.
- Right.
- Got the password, then? - Right.
The password is - destiny.
- Destiny.
- Can you remember it? - Destiny.
Destiny.
- Destiny.
- And I'll give you the T-shirt.
- OK.
Maybe Put that on just now, then.
I don't know what to do.
So excited! Right.
Secret password.
I won't tell anyone, Leslie.
Don't worry.
See you.
Get your T-shirts here.
�20, last one going.
Password didn't work.
It's a shame, cos I really did want to see Beyonce.
ButI came here tonight and I did a job.
I remained professional and I can hold my head up high on how I performed tonight.
Baby, I can see your halo You know you're my saving grace.
From big-gig fraud to small-town coastlines, the Scot Squad covers it all.
Understanding what makes your partner tick is a vital part of policing.
- What would you say is your best night out? - Best night ever? There was this one time, and we'd gone for a girls' holiday to Ibiza.
We'd been there for a few days and we'd met this other group of four.
- We'd also met some guys that run a club over there.
- Right.
They'd invited us out one night, and we were like, "Yeah, why not?" And we'd been out for drinks and everything, then we headed to the other side of the island, where this club was, and it turns out it was, like, this massive carnival night.
So then these guys that we were with got up onto the equipment and started performing.
They dressed us all up and we got covered head to toe in glitter, and we just looked mental! And at one point I put - you know those plastic beer chairs? - I put that over my shoulders and I was like, "Ahhh!" And then I got down on the ground and I was like, "Look at me go, "I'm like a snail!" My face hit the ground, and I broke my nose.
- It was amazing.
- SHE LAUGHS That sounds pretty wild, but I'm not all shiny shoes and buttons.
- Oh, tell me.
- I can let my hair down, you know? I got to see Enya live.
1997.
In Achiltibuie town hall.
And people say don't mix your drinks.
Well, let's just say I was breaking the rules that night, cos I had at least two, maybe three different types of lager.
They don't really tour any more, but I know Benya are coming back, and they're a fantastic tribute act, so that's worth catching, Benya.
- I'll look out for it.
Maybe we could go together.
- Yeah! Yeah, absolutely.
- I'd love that.
- I'll take my mum.
- Well - She'd totally love it.
Well, mm-hm.
OK.
Yeah.
With a potential audience of many millions, Miekelson morphs into the chief of chitchat.
Before you go, I just thought you might be interested in some of the things that we're also doing on the show today.
- You could tell us - Fire away.
Keep your hand in and your eye on popular culture.
We're talking about the new judges on the X Factor programme.
- Who would you like to see? - Oh, well, a judge.
- A proper judge? A proper judge, a High Court judge.
And a puppet, maybe.
But a high-range, a top-of-the-level.
A Muppet.
And then somebody like Cheryl but maybe with less tattooed buttock.
I know you don't see the buttocks on the X Factor, but I think it makes people uncomfortable knowing that she's sitting on that.
I think so.
'I think mission accomplished! Aye, I think that went very well.
'I thought the whole process was very enjoyable, 'the banter, I think, y'know.
' Which one was the professional and which one was the guest? Really, at times, I thought, in the little community bit So I think, erm, maybe a regular slot.
I mean, we'll see.
I'm not saying that you have to speak to Fred about this.
Y'know? Jean can give him a call.
But I think maybe just a couple of times a month, Mickelson'll be on that show.
Very well.
See you later.
In this job you're given a partner that you have no control over.
You don't get to choose who your partner's going to be.
What do you think came first, Bridie the woman's name or bridie as in this what I'm eating here? See the name Harry? That's short for Harold, in't it? Now, is Barry short for Barold? Are crisps crisps because they're crispy or are crispy things crispy because of crisps? If we were to be split up, I would be devastated.
Don't even go there.
Don't even Oh! Do you think they'll ever make a full box set of EastEnders? How do bikes keep upright? How would you kill Superman? Have you got any comedy socks? We're the dream team.
The boys.
We live in hope.
- That it never happens.
- Never happens.
How do they manage to take seeds out of seedless grapes? - Whoa-ho! All right, Officer Karen? - Hey, Bobby, how's it going? - Oh, thanks a lot for the phone call.
- We have found some dogs.
There's been a raid on a house, and we've come across a number of dogs that we think might be strays.
But I cannae just give you a dog.
I'm obliged to get you to identify Fridge.
So I'm gonnae show you some photographs, - and I want you to point out Fridge.
- OK.
- OK? - Brilliant.
Er That's no' Fridge.
ButI can take him.
This is not like a dog shopping kind of a situation.
- This is more of a dog identification.
- That's no' Fridge.
Erm, he looks like an arsehole.
I'm going to put them all out, and I want you just to point out Fridge.
- That That's, er, Fridge.
- This one here? - Yeah.
Definitely.
- Right.
- Right, let's see if we can get you home, shall we? - Oh, Fridgy! Hello, my boy! Oh, it's good to see you, Fridgy.
- What have they done to you? - He's all right.
He's a wee bit hopped up on treats there, so maybe don't give him too much more to eat.
Here's some chocolate for you.
I got a wee biscuit for you.
If you just pick the hair off it, you'll be fine.
- Aye, I'll maybe get that a bit later.
- OK.
High-five! My man! We'll go and chase the ducks, Officer Karen.
- See you later.
Bye! - See you later, Bobby.
- DOG BARKS - Fridge! - Are you actually having a laugh? - Fridgy! In the eternal battle against the evils of the Dark Side, these Jedis of justice are our last best hope.
May the force of Scotland be with you.