Scrubs s01e02 Episode Script

The human brain is remarkable.
For nine years I thought I'd lost my watch cos I can't remember which wrist it's on.
And yet, after two weeks the things that scared me at first, catheters, chest tubes, IVs Everything has started to click.
Are you? If you have time to listen to music then I assume you have time to finish your paperwork.
Keep moving.
That work day started like every other.
- How's it goin'? - I'm a 37-year-old janitor.
How d'you think it's going? There is nothing wrong with being a janitor.
Really? Thank you, you've turned my life around.
I'll tell my janitor wife and all our janitor kids that life is worth living.
And that comes straight from our hero, Dr Whozits, Dr Nothing.
No, seriously, come on.
Come over to my humble house and point out things that are cheap.
Luckily, I had the night off to regroup.
- That dog is creepy.
- Be nice to Rowdy.
The guy we bought him from kept him in a box full of old hats.
Why is she here all the time? - Just give her a chance, man.
- You want to hit that.
- No! - Yeah! She's just a friend.
It's healthy, hanging out with a girl without the ultimate goal being sex.
- You know? - I'm not following.
Creepy.
I had a run-in with that nurse, Carla.
She forgot to check the stats on a patient and gave me attitude.
Did you tell on her? - Who's responsible for this? - She is.
I don't remember.
Why do you assume it was my fault? It'd be a good point, except Elliot puts her foot in her mouth.
A lot.
She can't really seem to stop.
Just because I occasionally say something stupid doesn't mean I go door-to-door annoying people, like some crazed Jehovah's Witness.
- You're not? - No.
My mother is.
He's black, too.
You should tease him about that.
I'm doing better with new people.
Like Carla, for instance.
Bambi, that blonde stick you hang out with? Tell her You might have to write that down for me.
And Dr Cox.
We've really connected.
I'm kind of like his protégé.
- I need to see his chart - Done, copied and highlighted.
Unfortunately, radar, I'm fresh out of gold stars.
Multilobar pneumonia at 31.
How much does he smoke? I don't know.
It's your attention to detail that impresses me most.
- How many packs a day, genius? - Half a pack.
I'm sorry.
I phrased the question wrong.
How many packs a day, really? Eleven.
You don't know where I'm coming from.
Two or three packs.
Let's hear it.
I don't smoke so Zero packs.
What tests have you ordered? I was just I was totally kidding with you.
He was.
We're all in on it.
I like Will.
That makes this harder.
I ordered blood cultures and a high-resolution CT.
What are you looking for? Cancer.
When you say "cancer, " every person reacts the same way.
- Excellent.
- Not like that.
There it is.
I never know what to say to Turk's buddies.
But I'm getting better.
So - How's surgery? - It rocks.
But my bedroom, that's where I really operate.
Am I right? - Come on, show Todd some love! - I hate showing Todd love.
Bambi, why are you slumming with these scalpel jocks? Please, baby.
This here's the VIP table.
Why don't you sit your fine self down? "Baby, this here's the VIP table " I'm not really interested in her.
Then the Todd'll show that little biscuit some love.
Maybe he's a bit interested.
Fine.
Todd'll show himself some love.
I'm going to ask Carla out.
- I think the janitor's out to get me.
- Thank you so much for your help.
Why not be a bit more paranoid? - Wait, Turk - That's him.
Hi, how are you? I need David Farr's chart.
We all need lots of things.
Great.
Dr Kelso? You're the Chief of Medicine.
Is there a special way to communicate with nursing staff? Sugar won't work.
They're already so sweet.
Now, listen, Dr Whatever-the-hell-your-name-is you tattled yesterday, I responded.
I feel closer to you than ever.
But the ramifications are yours.
Don't drag me into your pathetic, whiny, little squabble with that bunch of malcontents.
I hope you all kill each other.
Have a great day, ladies.
I hate this place.
Dr Cox, I got Will's CT results back.
No cancer.
So what shall I tell him? I'd open with that.
He's headed down such a bad road, maybe we could talk to him When you have a mentor, you understand the meaning behind their words.
- You do whatever you want.
- Means "Great idea".
I'm just happy you haven't messed up yet today.
Means "You're really coming along as a doctor".
- Don't ever touch me.
- Means "Don't ever touch him".
Just thought it was a nice moment.
- I don't wanna.
- Come on.
Carla, I shouldn't have told Dr Kelso on you.
No, you shouldn't have.
Comfortable silences.
But thank you for apologising.
Good.
- I wanna make one thing clear.
- Nothing needs to be clear.
I still think you were in the wrong.
Checking orthostatics is your job.
I need to know you'll take care of it.
That's all I'm saying.
There.
All better.
As of now, you have no signs of cancer.
Who rules? Will rules.
This isn't great news.
Are you sure? That's how it first hit me.
You're on a slippery slope.
I had to scare him but I sensed he'd heard it before.
Part of being a doctor is your ability to improvise.
Right now, the one thing I want you to think about How would you like to sound like this? Let me see.
- This is so cool.
- No, it's not.
- Biddy, biddy, biddy.
- It's not a toy.
Would you like to play a game? Sometimes, if all you have is old words all you can do is hope they say something new.
Look, man.
You're a great patient.
I like you enough to hope I never see you again.
But if you keep smoking, you'll be back here.
I bet my own life on that.
Dr Reid to Room 402, then down to 201, then back up to Room 403.
I'm nervous, man.
I'm your wing man.
I will not leave your side.
- Hey, baby.
- Keep moving, frat boy.
- Come on.
Out with it.
- Don't rush me.
I mean You shouldn't be impatient with the opportunity of a lifetime.
I'm gonna sit down because you're so sexy? My knees are weak.
Really? Dr Cox? I know I'm being annoying but I'm getting used to talking to patients.
This is why I became a doctor, right? I heard, "I know I'm being annoying" and then white noise.
Will, I got him to quit smoking.
For ever? No last one? The last ones are better than sex.
Trust me, I've had 1,000 of them.
Done forever, he swore to me.
I reached him.
I reached him.
You're having a big day, there, Susan.
Private party.
Gotta get right back on the horse.
- Dr Cox, about Will.
- Not now! I've a 10-minute break and my soap is on.
Hey, Skeech, if you go ahead and change the channels I swear I'll suture your hands together.
- Right.
So with Will - This woman is just fantastic.
The breasts are probably fake but by God, those tears are real.
Time for a bold move.
How are we gonna fix this Will thing? Do you know what you've just done? You just lost all lapdog privileges.
- Excuse me? - No more walkies, no more treats no more following me around.
- I'm not your lapdog.
- You back there.
What do we do with lapdogs who can't behave in the house? Make them stay outside? You have five seconds to get out of this room or I'm gonna start whacking you on the nose with this.
Don't laugh, this isn't a joke.
Get out.
- But I was thinking - Go! What do you want to watch? - Days of our Lives? - Attaboy.
Come in.
He smells the food.
Move your butt.
Peace offering? I know I don't always make the best first impression.
Or second, for that matter.
I'd like us to be friends.
I thought I could get to know you a bit better.
See what you're about.
For instance, when did you meet Morgan Freeman? That's my mom.
I like her freckles.
Rowdy, no! I can't figure out why Dr Cox tore me a new one today.
Enough already! He's a jerk.
- He's a jerk.
- He's a jerk.
- He's a jerk.
- You're a jerk.
He's just Dr Cox.
He's always like that.
Who really knows him? Who does he hang out with? - No one.
- That must be lonely.
"Take two Turks as needed, apply to sensitive areas " Who wrote this? Whassup? Come on, Carla.
Give me one good reason why you won't go out with me.
You're a surgeon, so you got the God complex the "married to the job" thing.
You're cute, but you're very aware of it.
You've no idea what I'm like, so your feelings for me come from down there.
But most of all, I'm looking for the real thing.
You're nothing but a little boy who's not used to being told "No".
So there's a bunch of reasons.
Pick your favourite.
I'd go with the God complex.
But it's hard to choose.
They're all so good.
A hospital is a tricky place.
It's very cliquey and you have to watch what you say.
It's a lot like high school.
If I didn't have somewhere else to be I would have gone and sat with her.
But tonight, there's somebody else I have to take care of.
I know watching Will kill himself hurts you, too.
It's harder if you have no one to talk with.
So I figured I'd pick up a few cold ones, right? And you and I, we'll talk it out, we'll just break the whole thing down.
Right? What do you say to that? Everyone keeps ignoring me.
I'm like a plague around here.
Don't look at me when you're talking.
Dr Reid.
I just wanted to say, you're out of my doghouse.
That was a great catch on that patient with meningococcus.
That actually wasn't me.
Carla noticed the rash on his legs.
You could have been back into my good graces and instead you passed the credit on to a nurse.
How noble.
I tell you what, I'll get the cafeteria staff to write "Was it worth it?" on a big cake for you.
" Station".
This is the nurses' station.
- Do you think I've damaged ligaments? - I don't care.
Now, can I count on you to never drop by here again? Or shall I just move? You can't leave a place with this much warmth.
I especially love this shelf filled with photos of your friends and family.
If he comes at you, just try and roll out the door.
Actually, you have a point.
I guess watching the game by yourself with a Scotch isn't really the only way to watch a game.
It's just that I've always thought of needing people as a sign of weakness.
- It's not.
- Well, then Would you stay and watch the game with me? Maybe have a slice of pizza? - Of course I will.
- I can braid your hair.
I know the couch isn't very deep, but we could move the back cushion and spoon.
Hey, you guys, what do you say? Beer and chips in the back.
Just ignore them.
Tell me the answer to this question.
Do you want to be the big spoon or the little spoon? Kelso didn't ask her, she gave you full credit.
I don't care.
Too little too late.
Plus, I know why you're really here.
So I'm gonna plop myself right here in the VIP section so you can give me what you got.
I was gonna tell you how I busted JD's chops the other day for wanting to be friends with a girl.
And now I find it so amazing to see how strong you are how well you carry yourself how I'd give anything to wake up and watch you read the paper.
But instead I think you should hop off your broom remember what it was like when you first started here and give Elliot a break.
Because she may be a chore but she is a good person.
And your ass is especially fine today.
Pick me up tomorrow at seven.
She's not the only one who can do a speech.
I can do a speech.
Return that umbrella to me at the hospital.
Not here.
Is that clear? And, Newbie - Know what your problem is? - My bones hurt? You were gonna rescue me from loneliness with a $3 six-pack of light beer? It turns out we can't save people from themselves.
We just treat 'em.
Treat that kid with a respiratory problem and when he comes back with cancer, go ahead and treat that.
Thanks for the pick-me-up.
Smokers, drinkers, druggies, fatties, whatever.
If you keep living and dying on whether or not a person changes, well You're not gonna make it as a doctor.
Now come here and give me a hug.
It's OK, come here.
Get outta here! Take this piss water with you.
It's embarrassing.
- I'll drink it! - I'll take the beer.
You'll beat it.
- You apologise.
- No, I don't wanna.
OK, come on.
Just do it really fast.
Like a Band-Aid.
I wrote out the pharmacy renewals on all your patients.
Great.
You know what else would be helpful? The one thing we never stop looking for is acceptance.
- Thank you, Carla.
- You're welcome.
Acceptance of our own shortcomings.
- So when's the baby due? - What baby? Acceptance that some things are gonna be what they're gonna be.
This is a strange resort.
The wheelchair service is great but that suite I rented, there was another person in it.
- And the bellhop gave me an enema.
- Yeah, he's new here.
So - Anything you wanna say? - You know it all, man.
Still, I hated Will a little cos I looked at people who are important to me in terms of what will probably kill them.
Heart disease.
Liver disease.
Somebody choking her.
I don't know.
Probably stress.
- Say anything else to him? - No.
But you wanted to.
- You told me not to.
- Would you be a man? Stick to your convictions or you'll never make it as a doctor.
I can't believe your head exploded.
If it does, you'll never make it as a doctor.
I mean, come on.
You look ridiculous.