Sealab 2021 (2000) s01e02 Episode Script
I, Robot
If you're looking for me.
You better check under the sea.
Cause that is where you'll find me.
Underneath the Sealab.
Underneath the water.
Sealab at the bottom of the sea.
Bah, emergency, ah Sparks, sound the alarm! To the battle stations! The crew is battle ready, sir.
Alright, who did it? But you'll stay in those battle stations all day and all night until I find out who did it.
Uhm, we're gonna need some details, Skip.
Don't play dumb with me.
Some thief stole the one thing that brings me joy, my one ray of sunshine in this crappy rust bucket: my HappyCake oven.
Now, who did it? Was it you? Uh-uh, I know you're not looking at me.
You tell him sister! I am not your sister, dumbass.
Oh no she ain't.
Stop talking to Hesh like that! Okay, the crew is not going to take this, Skip.
It's like remember the Caine mutiny? Caine mutiny? I love Michael Caine.
Goodnight you princes of Sealab, you kings of the ocean.
Ah, not again with this.
People were always asking me: what's it all about Alfred? Santa maria! Again with that oven? Captain you cannot punish the crew like this.
They will mutiny! I will slaughter them like a wolf among lambs.
The seas will run red with the blood of my enemies! Take it easy there, Tamberlain, sir.
Yes, calm down! I'll see what I can do about finding your little toy It's not a toy.
It makes real cupcakes with a 40 watt bulb.
And there is icing packets.
But the secret ingredient is love.
Dammit! Just try to calm down.
Go have some pudding.
Pudding can't fill the emptiness inside me! But it'll help.
Sparks, any idea what happened to this uhm HappyCake oven thing? Uh yeah, I stole it and dumped it out in the ocean.
What, why did you do that!? Just part of a larger plan to drive him insane.
Oh, I also have the orphans wet his bed while he's asleep.
Have to hide my dirty sheet.
Michael Caine would be so ashamed of me.
What kind of madman are you? Oh, you know, the regular kind.
World domination, the usual.
I even got a secret mountain strong hold.
You do not! I do too! Check this out, smart guy.
Attention Hench men, this is Overlord.
All hail the Overlord! All hail the Overlord! Man, that kills me.
So, how's the construction coming, team? The killer bees you wanted? The ones as big as cats? Well, they're ready, but.
.
But, what? But the parts still haven't come in for the freeze ray.
I-- I am so sorry Overlord.
I am so sorry.
You're sorry? I'll show you sorry! Now, you people get back to work.
This ain't no Union shop.
All hail the Overlord! All hail the Overl-- So, looks like I am in the market for a new foreman.
What do you say there, bub? What kind of benefits are we talking about? Hypothetically.
Uh, you gotta talk with Henchman Resources on that.
Not my department, but you will get a helmet and jumpsuit.
Oh yeah, and metal teeth.
Hmmm.
That helmet makes me look like Ralph.
You know, the motor cycle mouse? How about a beret? Yeah, I could do a beret.
You're lucky.
A lot of guys can't.
Well, I've looked everywhere.
And my oven: not on Sealab.
Did you check where you hide your dirty sheets? Stormy knows my filthy secret.
I have to eliminate him.
Now, what would Oscar-winner Michael Caine do? Okay, it's gotta be outside.
Now, somebody has to go out there and get it.
But captain the scanners have picked up a giant killer squid in sector 2.
Yeah, it's a suicide mission.
Suicide mission? Hahahahahaha.
Hahahahaha.
Hahahahaha.
Ah, yeah so, get out there Stormy.
But captain, that giant squid ain't playing around out there.
You've just bought yourself a ticket, smart guy.
But it's a suicide mission! Yeah, so? Take this Frenchman here.
Oh, poop.
Because Marco has henchman skills, Hesh.
You on the other hand, have -- I wanna be a henchman too! Hesh wants metal teeth.
Hesh will bite anything.
He'll bit that.
He'll bite this.
Don't bite the main circuit, Hesh.
Aaaaaarghh.
Ah ah aaah.
That's exactly what I am talking about.
Oh my god! It hurts bad! His heart is in the right place.
But his head is up his --- So, are you married to orange for those jumpsuits, or what? Because I really would like to wear blue for a change.
Sparks, get me the Hunley on the, the thingy there.
Hurry! The thing is, I already bought like 5000 orange ones.
Because when I wear blue, I am like the wind, a hot Latin wind.
Whistling down -- Look man, it's a uniform.
Everybody looks the same.
It's more terrifying that way.
Can my pants at least have a boot cut? I'll pay for it.
Shut up! Get me the Hunley this instant.
Alright already.
Jeez! Doctor Quinn, have you found my oven? And, oh eh, is Stormy dead yet? No oven yet, sir.
But the sonar's detected a big-ass life form, and I think it is that giant killer squid.
Yeah, that looks like the squid to me.
Really? I don't see it.
It's the squid-shaped thing.
Oh yeah, with the tentacles.
Si capitan.
Ehm nope, don't see it.
Plus, whatever it was, it's gone.
Now, you people find that oven, or die trying.
You hear that, Stormy? Die! That idiot Murphy is going to get us killed.
Yeah man.
And what is the deal with this French guy? I think he's just here for atmosphere.
What is he gibbering about? I don't know.
He's French, it's crap.
Hey, shut your fry-hole! Ooh, poop.
Yoyoyo, check that out! It's that stupid oven! Well grab it.
If this sonar reading is correct, then we -- Oh my god! Giant squid! Giant squid! Hey, he's right, it's not attacking.
Big guy's just a little curious.
Yeah, I guess.
But let's see what happens when I do this.
You dumbass! Man, get us out of here.
Sealab! Mayday! He's gonna kill us! Get it over man.
Game over.
Stormy, get a hold of yourself.
Now use the pincer and grab the squid's tentacle.
And oh yeah, and tell him to cough.
I said: tentacle.
Ahem.
I'll grab a handful of something.
It's not working! He's tearing us to pieces.
Wait, he wants the oven.
If we just give him -- No, you are expendable.
That oven is not.
Retrieve it at all cost.
Whoah! Whoah! Whoah! Aagh, what was that? The hull's cracking! For god sake, captain.
If it cracks, we'll implode! No, I must have my delicious cupcakes.
My sweet caky treasures.
Piping hot from their 40 watt womb.
Oh, that tears it! How many times do I have to hear the word womb today? Stormy, you see the off- button on the oven? Press it with the pincer.
Okay, I'll try it.
Hey, it worked! We're saved! The squid is bugging out, and the Hunley is heading home! With my HappyCake oven.
And I am gonna go welcome her home.
Sniff you jerks later.
So, you rigged the off-button with a teargas grenade? Hohoho, you magnificent bastard.
Oh, that's nothing man.
The on-button is a 50 megaton hydrogen bomb.
I should go down there.
Good initiative.
You are gonna make a great henchman.
Henchman walking! Well I found it.
I don't care who found it, Stormy.
It's my HappyCake oven.
And I get to turn it on.
Captain, don't touch that button! Ah, shut up, mailbox head.
It's cupcake time.
And you know what they say: when when you want something yummy -- Captain Murphy? Hello? You in there, Skip? Uh what? The crew's been at attention for 15 minutes.
What are you doing? Oh jeez, I must have blacked out.
I had that weird dream again.
Yeah, yeah, okay.
.
- You know where you're the evil madman who steals my HappyCake oven.
Oh, the one where you're obsessed with Imogene Coca? Nononono, this time it was Michael Caine.
Well, blame it on Rio! It's got to be funky! Cowabunga! Oh, poop.
You better check under the sea.
Cause that is where you'll find me.
Underneath the Sealab.
Underneath the water.
Sealab at the bottom of the sea.
Bah, emergency, ah Sparks, sound the alarm! To the battle stations! The crew is battle ready, sir.
Alright, who did it? But you'll stay in those battle stations all day and all night until I find out who did it.
Uhm, we're gonna need some details, Skip.
Don't play dumb with me.
Some thief stole the one thing that brings me joy, my one ray of sunshine in this crappy rust bucket: my HappyCake oven.
Now, who did it? Was it you? Uh-uh, I know you're not looking at me.
You tell him sister! I am not your sister, dumbass.
Oh no she ain't.
Stop talking to Hesh like that! Okay, the crew is not going to take this, Skip.
It's like remember the Caine mutiny? Caine mutiny? I love Michael Caine.
Goodnight you princes of Sealab, you kings of the ocean.
Ah, not again with this.
People were always asking me: what's it all about Alfred? Santa maria! Again with that oven? Captain you cannot punish the crew like this.
They will mutiny! I will slaughter them like a wolf among lambs.
The seas will run red with the blood of my enemies! Take it easy there, Tamberlain, sir.
Yes, calm down! I'll see what I can do about finding your little toy It's not a toy.
It makes real cupcakes with a 40 watt bulb.
And there is icing packets.
But the secret ingredient is love.
Dammit! Just try to calm down.
Go have some pudding.
Pudding can't fill the emptiness inside me! But it'll help.
Sparks, any idea what happened to this uhm HappyCake oven thing? Uh yeah, I stole it and dumped it out in the ocean.
What, why did you do that!? Just part of a larger plan to drive him insane.
Oh, I also have the orphans wet his bed while he's asleep.
Have to hide my dirty sheet.
Michael Caine would be so ashamed of me.
What kind of madman are you? Oh, you know, the regular kind.
World domination, the usual.
I even got a secret mountain strong hold.
You do not! I do too! Check this out, smart guy.
Attention Hench men, this is Overlord.
All hail the Overlord! All hail the Overlord! Man, that kills me.
So, how's the construction coming, team? The killer bees you wanted? The ones as big as cats? Well, they're ready, but.
.
But, what? But the parts still haven't come in for the freeze ray.
I-- I am so sorry Overlord.
I am so sorry.
You're sorry? I'll show you sorry! Now, you people get back to work.
This ain't no Union shop.
All hail the Overlord! All hail the Overl-- So, looks like I am in the market for a new foreman.
What do you say there, bub? What kind of benefits are we talking about? Hypothetically.
Uh, you gotta talk with Henchman Resources on that.
Not my department, but you will get a helmet and jumpsuit.
Oh yeah, and metal teeth.
Hmmm.
That helmet makes me look like Ralph.
You know, the motor cycle mouse? How about a beret? Yeah, I could do a beret.
You're lucky.
A lot of guys can't.
Well, I've looked everywhere.
And my oven: not on Sealab.
Did you check where you hide your dirty sheets? Stormy knows my filthy secret.
I have to eliminate him.
Now, what would Oscar-winner Michael Caine do? Okay, it's gotta be outside.
Now, somebody has to go out there and get it.
But captain the scanners have picked up a giant killer squid in sector 2.
Yeah, it's a suicide mission.
Suicide mission? Hahahahahaha.
Hahahahaha.
Hahahahaha.
Ah, yeah so, get out there Stormy.
But captain, that giant squid ain't playing around out there.
You've just bought yourself a ticket, smart guy.
But it's a suicide mission! Yeah, so? Take this Frenchman here.
Oh, poop.
Because Marco has henchman skills, Hesh.
You on the other hand, have -- I wanna be a henchman too! Hesh wants metal teeth.
Hesh will bite anything.
He'll bit that.
He'll bite this.
Don't bite the main circuit, Hesh.
Aaaaaarghh.
Ah ah aaah.
That's exactly what I am talking about.
Oh my god! It hurts bad! His heart is in the right place.
But his head is up his --- So, are you married to orange for those jumpsuits, or what? Because I really would like to wear blue for a change.
Sparks, get me the Hunley on the, the thingy there.
Hurry! The thing is, I already bought like 5000 orange ones.
Because when I wear blue, I am like the wind, a hot Latin wind.
Whistling down -- Look man, it's a uniform.
Everybody looks the same.
It's more terrifying that way.
Can my pants at least have a boot cut? I'll pay for it.
Shut up! Get me the Hunley this instant.
Alright already.
Jeez! Doctor Quinn, have you found my oven? And, oh eh, is Stormy dead yet? No oven yet, sir.
But the sonar's detected a big-ass life form, and I think it is that giant killer squid.
Yeah, that looks like the squid to me.
Really? I don't see it.
It's the squid-shaped thing.
Oh yeah, with the tentacles.
Si capitan.
Ehm nope, don't see it.
Plus, whatever it was, it's gone.
Now, you people find that oven, or die trying.
You hear that, Stormy? Die! That idiot Murphy is going to get us killed.
Yeah man.
And what is the deal with this French guy? I think he's just here for atmosphere.
What is he gibbering about? I don't know.
He's French, it's crap.
Hey, shut your fry-hole! Ooh, poop.
Yoyoyo, check that out! It's that stupid oven! Well grab it.
If this sonar reading is correct, then we -- Oh my god! Giant squid! Giant squid! Hey, he's right, it's not attacking.
Big guy's just a little curious.
Yeah, I guess.
But let's see what happens when I do this.
You dumbass! Man, get us out of here.
Sealab! Mayday! He's gonna kill us! Get it over man.
Game over.
Stormy, get a hold of yourself.
Now use the pincer and grab the squid's tentacle.
And oh yeah, and tell him to cough.
I said: tentacle.
Ahem.
I'll grab a handful of something.
It's not working! He's tearing us to pieces.
Wait, he wants the oven.
If we just give him -- No, you are expendable.
That oven is not.
Retrieve it at all cost.
Whoah! Whoah! Whoah! Aagh, what was that? The hull's cracking! For god sake, captain.
If it cracks, we'll implode! No, I must have my delicious cupcakes.
My sweet caky treasures.
Piping hot from their 40 watt womb.
Oh, that tears it! How many times do I have to hear the word womb today? Stormy, you see the off- button on the oven? Press it with the pincer.
Okay, I'll try it.
Hey, it worked! We're saved! The squid is bugging out, and the Hunley is heading home! With my HappyCake oven.
And I am gonna go welcome her home.
Sniff you jerks later.
So, you rigged the off-button with a teargas grenade? Hohoho, you magnificent bastard.
Oh, that's nothing man.
The on-button is a 50 megaton hydrogen bomb.
I should go down there.
Good initiative.
You are gonna make a great henchman.
Henchman walking! Well I found it.
I don't care who found it, Stormy.
It's my HappyCake oven.
And I get to turn it on.
Captain, don't touch that button! Ah, shut up, mailbox head.
It's cupcake time.
And you know what they say: when when you want something yummy -- Captain Murphy? Hello? You in there, Skip? Uh what? The crew's been at attention for 15 minutes.
What are you doing? Oh jeez, I must have blacked out.
I had that weird dream again.
Yeah, yeah, okay.
.
- You know where you're the evil madman who steals my HappyCake oven.
Oh, the one where you're obsessed with Imogene Coca? Nononono, this time it was Michael Caine.
Well, blame it on Rio! It's got to be funky! Cowabunga! Oh, poop.