Secret Girlfriend (2009) s01e02 Episode Script

Dude, I'm totally taking a leak right now.
It feels awesome! You know, we actually have a lot in common.
Most of my furniture's scandinavian.
Hey, man.
So when you girls dropping the tops? Thought you were european.
Let's knock down that wall.
Phil, release.
These girls are international models.
Ha.
out of your league, yankee.
And don't you get any ideas.
I've warned them you're mine.
- He dumped you.
- I dumped him! For being a whore-Chasing [bleep.]
hound.
But I'm so glad things are civil between us.
It means a lot.
Dude, something just brushed against my leg.
Oh, god, I see a shape.
Oh, my god.
shark attack! Oh, god! Aah! it's got my leg! I can feel the bloody stump! Shark's gone.
Welcome to secret girlfriend.
The first show starring you.
These are your friends.
This is your ex.
This is the girl you're hiding from your ex.
Secret girlfriend Welcome to your world.
It's really true what they say.
Everything does change after you die and come back to life.
I can't believe we almost lost you.
Bro, the only thing that died at the beach today.
Was our chance tomange some euro [bleep.]
These are international models.
Sexual ambassadors - You let our country down.
- I was dead, Phil.
In my mind.
Shark, seaweed-- no difference.
A near-death experience is a near-death experience.
Huge difference.
There's so much stuff I need to do before I die.
Okay, everyone, 20 seconds and we make the jump! No [bleep.]
ing way.
I'm not jumping! - This was a terrible idea! - The worst.
Okay, guys, we're over the jump site.
- Let's go! - You.
- no [bleep.]
ing way.
- What about you? let's go! - Go, go, go, go, go! Hi.
it's me.
Ever since we went to the beach that day, my model friends keep telling me how I'm easily as hot as any of them, Maybe hotter.
Okay, even if they're not saying it, I can totally tell that they're thinking it.
So, you know, I never really-- Sure, you're a big stud.
You jumped out.
You had this amazing experience.
But now it's just a memory.
A thought.
I can make thoughts.
Check it out.
There.
I just swam the english channel.
Done.
I mean, why bother doing a thing when you can simply tell chicks you did And get the same results? Okay, jessica, we need you to role-play.
Pretend you're a girl who's totally not into me.
Hmm.
you ask the impossible, Sam.
You're patronizing me, and I love it Okay, which one of these pictures puts gravy on your biscuit? This is me, sam, and your boy here, right after we climbed kilimanjaro.
Okay, ridiculous.
Obviously photoshopped.
You can't prove that.
next photo.
You guys realize that your faces would explode the minute you opened your masks.
Oh, no, no.
You're thinking of the movietotal recall.
And that was mars.
This is the moon.
Why don't you guys just try being yourselves? Photoshop our heads onto our own bodies? - Yeah, right.
- That's pretty stupid, Jessica.
Who'd want to see that? Yeah.
Even my mom would throw that away.
Yeah.
Why haven't you called me back? I opened up my heart to you, and you squatted over my open ribcage and took an enormous, steaming [bleep.]
inside of me.
You [bleep.]
ing ass[bleep.]
.
you [bleep.]
-sucking, [bleep.]
-chasing, [bleep.]
piece of [bleep.]
.
I really still want your advice.
Call me.
So I downshifted into third, and it was, like, a power slide.
Hey, could you give me a hand with something? Go ahead.
I already nailed her.
So I know I'm being the ultimate girl right now, But will you kill that spider for me? Including labor, dealers, creditors, And suppliers-- More of the benefits Of the auto industry .
.
Then I have to tackle this naked maniac, Who for all I know might be a terrorist.
Six months later, we're best friends.
Didn't you get in trouble for streaking the president? Oh, yeah.
spent a month in gitmo.
No biggie.
Did some waterboarding, some boogie boarding.
So you're an astronaut, huh? What's that like? Oh, my god.
cutie pie.
What the [bleep.]
? What just happened? Of course.
Dog beats fake pictures and fake videos.
The rules of the game have made themselves known.
Let's hit the post office.
I got to mail some [bleep.]
.
And then let's hit the dog pound.
Oh, it's true.
Girls love dogs.
But if you really want to get her hot, it's got to be a rescue.
And if you don't say "rescue" within the first ten seconds of meeting the chick, Then you're just wasting your money.
Now let's go shopping.
No.
no way.
Not gonna get a dog with balls bigger than mine.
What about this one? Too young.
You know how long dogs live? Like, three years.
I can't make that kind of commitment.
Whoa.
look at this one.
You've got to be kidding me.
And bingo was his name-o.
Toally.
We'll call him chill.
All right, guys.
Hope the dog helps you meet ladies.
Call me with any questions, and don't feed him any beer.
Bye.
We'll have to take all those bowls of beer off the floor.
Is that Mandy? - Here we go.
- It's on.
That is one seriously low-energy dog.
- We just saved him from the pound.
- Rescue.
His name is chill.
Check this out.
I dare you to show me another dog with that much self control.
I also dare you to sit on my lap.
I'm gonna pass.
We'll be here.
chill.
But a female minotaur would have the head of a bull.
- Well, not necessarily.
- It's unlocked.
- Did you lock it? - Did you lock it? Home invasion.
Get 'em, chill.
Go, go, go, go.
- Oh, it's Mandy.
- Hi Mandy.
Did you guys just buy a dog at a grocery store? That's our new guard dog, chill.
What are you doing here? Actually, I needed a word with you.
alone.
- We're changing the locks.
- Hey, get in here.
In the time that I was waiting for you to call me back, I lost out on a modeling job to a much, Much, much, uglier girl.
Now, I know that you've got a lot on your plate right now.
You know, you're busy going into dog pounds with random, Skinny, blonde girls, which I'm totally cool with, by the way.
But it just makes me wonder, you know, Is there still a place for mandy cat in your world? If not, that's fine.
I'll just crawl right out of your life.
Now Dude, look.
Chill climbed k2 with us.
- I love technology.
- Enough.
The dog park hotties texted.
They want to meet up.
Told you chill would pay off.
Best eight bucks we ever spent.
You hear that, chill? You're gonna get us laid.
Dude, did you see that? He didn't move.
Dude, that's just chill being chill.
No.
Something's wrong.
Can't believe he's already gone.
He taught me so much.
You will never be replaced, chill.
Never.
Never ever.
Maybe we should smoke him.
He would have wanted to be buried in the park.
He loved the park.
I remember bringing him home like it was yesterday.
It was wednesday.
- What? - Wednesday.
Oh.
I thought it was tuesday.
No, today's friday, man.
Fly away, chill.
Fly away.
Fly away.
Oh, my god.
Was that? Our dog.
yeah.
I'm really sorry.
Did you guys want to grab a cup of coffee and talk about it? Dead dog trumps dog.
The circle is complete.
We'd love to.
So.
call me sometime.
Chill delivered in death what he couldn't in life.
God, I love that burnt-up little bastard.
We'll always have our fabricated memories with him.
This is secret girlfriend Welcome to your world.
It's gonna work, dude.
The ladies of this complex just need a little nudge.
Stop being such a naysayer.
Okay, our work is done.
Now we just sit back and watch.
Oh, here we go.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, come on.
- She probably can't read - I'll make the sign bigger.
'Sup, chester? - Okay.
I'm in.
- No, no, no, no.
Hey.
Cool.
How come you're not naked? So check this out.
Last night I'm laying in my bed.
Total snooze fest.
And I have a dream about hot neighbor.
Her name is Martina.
I prefer hot neighbor.
Anyway, She's all naked in the pool.
Phil dive in.
So I dive in.
I'm [bleep.]
ing her.
Slapping her ass.
Next thing you know, I wake up, 'gasm city.
You had a wet dream? - I know.
it's crazy, right? - I'v never had one.
You never had a wet dream? Closest I came was when I dreamt of a Chocolate forest and [bleep.]
my bed.
Have you had one? I feel like such a freak.
I'm missing out on a rite of passage every other young male gets to experience.
I guess it's because I began pleasuring myself at such an early age.
That's it.
I have to stop masturbating.
This is bull[bleep.]
! Why do I have to suffer with noplayboys and nohustlers Just so he can drop a batch in his bed? And the ikea catalog? What? The mom in the voorsten kitchen is hot.
Look, Phil, this is only temporary, okay? The porno shall return as soon as I have my first wet dream.
- And you knew about this.
- Don't bring him into this.
- Chester.
- Let's do this, bitches.
Thanks.
You want to come out to a party tonight? Me and the girls are going out.
I should warn you, though.
There's gonna be some drinking.
- Just make out with him already.
- Shut up, Sasha.
Hey, bring Sam and Phil.
Bye.
We cannot go to that party.
What if some girl trys to you know Jerk me off.
Wait.
- What was that? - What? Jerk me off.
Oh, we are not done talking about that.
There's nothing to talk about.
You know when you get down and Dirty and Hey, hottie.
Why's it so hot in here? Maybe it's 'cause you look so hot.
Really? He doesn't look at all like The guy who keeps trying to dump you? Phil, why don't you suck a [bleep.]
, so your mouth has something to do? Uncoil yours, and I'll go to town, Mandy.
Ooh! What did I do? Baby, Mandy cat needs a favor.
I just shot my audition tape for The Real world.
Could you upload it for me? Thanks.
You look like you got bukkaked by a bunch of clowns.
I know.
Can we watch that? Hello, MTV I'm Mandy.
And this is my Real World audition video.
What can I tell you about myself? I'm a 23-year-old aspiring celebrity.
But I've always been a daddy's girl at heart.
Daddy.
Just because I look Don't mess with me.
But don't worry.
I've got a sweet side too.
But most of all, I love to dance.
Who am i? I'm Mandy.
It's like The Ring.
I know it's gonna kill me, but I can't look away.
Oh, boy.
I got to get out of here.
I'm getting a "parsh".
We should go to that party.
I've got a bad feeling about tonight.
I've never let my spank bank gain this much interest without making a withdrawal, So I'm gonna need you guys to help me stay strong.
If you're asking me not to jerk you off, you have my word.
Hey, do you know how to get to-- Sorry, not interested.
You won't even give us directions-- I won't give you any of my fluids, Devil! Keep driving.
Whoa.
Isn't that the kid from Jerry Maguire? NO [bleep.]
ing way.
Here's what I hate about Lipnicki: Senior year, I'm dating denise clark, And two days before prom, Lipnicki sends me out with a wad of hollywood benjamins To buy some whiskey.
I get back, and that jerk's banging the first true love of my life Like a tijuana whore.
He was behind her, talking spanish.
Dude was 12.
Bro, hey.
what are you doing? Looking for Jessica? Man, live in the now.
I'm trying to tell you what happened at my senior prom six years ago.
Sweetie pie, If you didn't want me to find you at this party, You should have disabled the gps on your phone.
Wait, why wouldn't you want me to find you here? You came here with some other girl, didn't you? You stink of whore.
Hey, sad eyes.
Is this guy bothering you? He does sometimes.
What do you say we turn that frown into a circle And wrap your lips around this bad boy? You look familiar.
Are we related or something? I've been in a few movies.
Major studios [bleep.]
.
You know the deal.
So you want to hit this? Look, I'm sure you're a sweet girl, okay? But I'm a human bag of man batter waiting to explode.
I can't guarantee your safety.
Oh, my frickin' god, bro.
Is that Jerry Maguire's Jonathan Lipnicki? Dude, I love that guy.
You got to get a picture of us.
Hey, you made it.
You remember Sasha? I'm gonna go-- Yo, dude, dude.
Hey, what's going on? - Hey, Sam.
- Mandy.
Okay, I get that she's psycho jealous, But you and I have never even hooked up.
You don't get it.
In mandy land, the rides come off the track every time.
Let's put a coat on her and smuggle her out the chimney.
Or, since we're adults, You could just take me out there and introduce me as your friend.
Bad idea.
- Fine.
- Okay.
Some girl is so getting pregnant tonight.
You're the best, man.
Hey, you are the best.
Sometimes at night I just watch you sleep.
So peaceful.
I got to go lie down.
My best friend.
Dude, what the [bleep.]
? I'm Jonathan Lipnicki.
Time to pay the piper, Lipnicki.
- Who the [bleep.]
are you? - I'm Phil.
You porked my sweet Denise.
Now I'm gonna pork your career.
Wait till this puppy hits the blogs.
If you want to add to The Lipnicki Legend, be my guest.
You win this round, Lipnicki.
And the round where you [bleep.]
ed My girlfriend.
Hey, there you are.
If you're not gonna let me meet this crazy ex of yours, I'm gonna jet.
This party blows.
Besides, I'm supposed to meet Chad.
Call me tomorrow? Just so you know, We're all hoping that she'll dump that dip[bleep.]
and get with you.
Hang in there.
Oh, and by the way, I know jonathan lipnicki, And that dude is totally not him.
Hey, thanks for saving me back there.
I don't care if that guy was in home alone.
That part of me is off limits.
Unless maybe you want to.
Dude, you have to see this.
Did I ever tell you that you have nice clothes Okay.
here we go.
- We should wake that guy up.
- No.
He's worked too long and too hard for this.
Let him finish.
Oh, Mandy.
Oh, Mandy.
- Was it everything you hoped it would me? - Oh, fantastic.
But I got to say, I am looking forward Brass tacks.
- What is that? - Later, losers.
Sam, you tagged him.
Bull's-eye.
A thousand little Sams Maybe a million.
Depending on how fertile you are.
Bye, little guys.
Yo, check it.
You are going to love the remix I made to Mandy's audition video.
But most of all, I love-- I love-- I love to dance.
Now let's break it down.
Who am I? I'm Mandy.
Oh, Mandy.
Oh Mandy.
Oh! I'm Mandy.
What are you guys watching?