See Dad Run (2012) s01e02 Episode Script

- Joe, how's your toast? - Great.
Where'd you get this awesome black bread? He burned it, you boob.
I think I could use this Turkey bacon as a belt.
Mommy says not to eat paste.
Oh, honey, this is oatmeal.
It tastes a lot like paste.
Okay, tell you what We're gonna throw this away with, um with Joe's toast and Emily's belt.
Besides, you guys, I'm making smoothies.
Why? Because you guys deserve a healthy breakfast that you can actually swallow.
Why? Because dad is new at this.
He was on a TV show for ten years where people brought him food, and now he's home.
Why? Because mommy went back to work, and daddy wants her to be happy, even if that means answering your questions till his head explodes.
Oh! Oh! Oh, oh, oh! No, no.
Why? Honey, I know this looks like a mess, but this is my process to figure out what each kid likes to eat.
Is that a belt? Funny, honey, funny.
I want them to have a healthy breakfast.
Mm, that's a beautiful thought, David.
But they eat what you make them, or they will go hungry.
They will.
What the heck was that? I'm sorry.
I should have warned you.
The producers think that my ten-year break from the soap has made my acting too "subtle.
" Oh.
In all fairness, honey, your character was in a coma.
Yeah, exactly.
They're totally stressing me out, so today I'm going to be rehearsing nonspecific, emotional Ah! Modulation.
Really bad acting.
In that case, nailed it.
Hello, David.
David's real family.
I got your everything bagel.
I took off most of the sesame seeds, a few of the poppy seeds, and half the salt just the way you like it.
Why, if it isn't Kevin my husband's strangely coiffed and forever-loyal ex-assistant who we've all embraced like a long-lost cousin.
Nonspecific, emotional modulation nice.
Thank you very much.
Shall we go over today's schedule? Yes, psyched about the schedule.
Absolutely.
Okay, first up, we got, uh, Janie and daddy time at mommy and me.
There you go.
And then I go to the dry cleaners.
Then I have to pick up Emily and Joe at school and get Janie back here for her big piano lesson with Ms.
Woo.
- Who? - Woo.
Woo who? That's the spirit.
Yay! Wait.
What? Ms.
Woo is a really great piano teacher, and we've waited three months for this lesson.
So daddy's gonna make sure you're home by 5:00.
Daddy wouldn't let his little pianist miss this for the world.
Ha! Dad said he had a little Joe! Don't forget to ask the cleaners about my baby pink angora cashmere sweater.
I think they lost it, and I love that sweater.
I love that sweater more than life itself.
I did, I really did Seriously, I looked everywhere for it.
- Okay.
- Stupid dry cleaners.
Of course they lost it.
Or they ruined it, and then they lost it to cover up their tracks.
Stupid dry cleaners.
Oh, thank God you're here.
Okay, remember when my mom said, "Do not, under any circumstances, borrow my clothes without asking"? - You didn't.
- I did.
And then I tried to wash it.
What are we gonna do? - "We"? - Yes, we.
If you, my most trusted friend, didn't tell me how awesome I looked in this sweater, none of this would have happened.
Just get a new one.
It is a $400 sweater.
It's not like some sucker's just gonna walk through that door and hand me that kind of cash.
Oh, hey, anybody seen my wallet? We'll keep an eye out for it.
Okay, smaller people, grab your stuff.
Give mom kisses.
Tight schedule to keep here, okay? - Honey, have a good day.
- What about the book? - What about it? - I think you should take it.
Aw, honey, I don't want to lug it around.
- Lug it around.
- No, I'm not gonna lug it.
- Lug it a little.
- No, honey, come on.
I did a show for ten years where I had 48 pages of dialogue that I had to memorize every week.
I can remember to get a five-year-old home at 5:00.
This book isn't just a schedule, David.
This is a compendium of all things hobbs.
Just knowing you have it will make me feel better.
You get it? Honey, there's a lot of ways I know how to make you feel better.
Taking the hobbs compendium is not my preferred method.
Okay, well, look, if you don't take the book, then I will.
Good.
Take it.
Okay, but don't come running to me if something terrible actually, please come running to me Leave.
Leave.
Oh, boy, this is great just you and me, kid.
What do we do first? - Charlotte! - Janie! All right.
You must be Amy's husband.
She told me you were coming.
I'm Charlotte's mommy.
Oh, hey, Charlotte's mommy.
I'm Janie's daddy.
Also known around our house as "dad!" Right.
Okay, class, let's gather for circle time.
And this is summer.
She's great Who can sit crisscross applesauce? If you're five.
♪ The wipers on the bus go swish, swish, swish ♪ ♪ All through the town Whoohoo! Yeah, that's fun.
♪ Baker's man ♪ Bake me a cake as fast as you can ♪ Oh! Yes! Yes! In your face! Oh.
I'm sorry.
I'm just a little bit competitive, ladies.
♪ Down came the rain and washed the spider our ♪ ♪ Out came the sun and dried up all the rain ♪ ♪ And the itsy-bitsy spider went up the spout again ♪ I hate that spider and his can-do attitude.
I just want to know what's up that damn spout that's so important.
Okay, my tiny humans, who wants to hold the talking stick and share their feelings? God, what ring of hell have I entered? Dr.
Monkey Chunks feels sad because nobody believes she's a real doctor.
And then I said, "nuh-uh.
" And then she said, "uh-huh.
" And then I said, "nuh-uh.
" And then she said, "uh-huh".
Ooh! What did I miss? And if I'm being honest, it's not an honor just to be nominated.
Oh, uh, sorry.
Excuse me.
Hello? Dude, where are you? I'm at mommy and me class with Janie trying not to burst into tears.
You know we have that private golf swing lesson with tiger's guy in 20 minutes.
Marcus, I would love to get in with tiger's pro, but I can't, man.
I'm stuck here in this class doing Feelings.
Over golf? Listen, just bring Janie along.
She fits in the bag.
Dude, I got to go.
I couldn't help overhearing.
You should go.
My husband would trade his car to get in with tiger's pro.
And he loves that car.
Uh, you know, I can take Janie back to our house.
The girls always have fun.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
I mean, look, trust me, they're in free play.
They hardly even know we're here.
Janie, do you want to go have a playdate with Charlotte? Yay! - Wow.
- Right? Yeah, okay, um I'll give you my numbers No, I got it on the contact list.
Come on, go, have fun.
If stretching this doesn't work, I am dead.
Wait.
Okay.
Okay.
Now we have Two tiny leg warmers and a vest.
That guy must have added I don't know what my wife has been talking about all these years.
With my process, I can be a great parent and make time for myself.
- You can't get that from a book.
- Books are overrated.
- That's why we're TV guys.
- Yeah.
We didn't get rich by reading.
Yeah, we're TV guys.
What's up? All right.
Okay, I'm off.
I got to pick up Joe and Emily at school and get Janie from Charlotte's mommy's house and bring her back for her big piano lesson.
I'll be back in a few.
I lost Janie.
You still got it.
I know I still got it, but what I don't got is any idea where my daughter is.
Okay, retrace your steps.
Where did you see her last? She's not a set of car keys, Kevin.
Oh, man, I can't how do you lose a kid? Didn't you say she was at Charlotte's mommy's house? Do you know where Charlotte's mommy lives? Do you know where Charlotte's mommy lives? Never met her.
Don't worry, David, you'll figure this out.
You're America's number-one dad.
I don't want to be negative here, but this might affect your ranking.
I don't have a name.
I don't have a number.
I don't have an address.
I got nothing.
You could check the book.
I told Amy to take the book with her.
I didn't want to lug it around.
You should have lugged it.
I thought I had it all up here, man.
David, we're men.
We have nothing up here.
Look, just call Amy and tell her you were wrong.
Are you crazy? What am I gonna say to her? "Hey, honey, remember last week "when I almost burned down the house? Well, this week I lost a kid.
" She'll never trust me again, Marcus.
I won't be able to leave this house without her hovering over me, asking me a thousand questions, watching my every move.
Welcome to my world.
We've been expecting you.
Oh, man.
Ooh.
Hang on.
"Private call.
" - Hello? - Hi, daddy.
Janie, baby, you okay? Can I stay at Charlotte's for dinner? - No, honey, you can't.
- Why? Because you've got a piano lesson.
Why? Honey, honey, can't do the "Why" game right now.
Okay, bye.
Oh, why? Dad, what are we doing here? I need some information about a parent from mommy and me class.
Hello, mommies? Mes? Dad, where's Janie? She's at a friend's house Charlotte.
You guys know Charlotte? You lost Janie.
Honey, I didn't lose her.
I-I just misplaced her.
How do you lose a person? She's not a set of car keys.
There you go, Joe, go to your happy place.
Look, I know that she's with a woman named Charlotte's mommy, okay? I need you guys to help me find her and get her back without mom knowing it.
Daddy, I think I can get you out of this little mess If you can help me get out of my little mess.
Please tell me that's not mom's favorite sweater.
I just need you to replace it without her knowing.
Guys, please don't ask me to keep your secrets.
You know my sensitive stomach.
Asking me to be silent is deadly.
He's a farter.
Yes, we've met.
What do you have in mind? We go see mom.
One of us creates a diversion, and one of us checks the book.
- We're in, we're out.
- All right.
Okay, good, I like it.
Deal.
Let's go.
Come on.
And we're off.
Oh, Joe, downwind, please.
We're in.
Come on.
- Joe, you be the lookout.
- Okay.
Oh, look out.
Here it is.
Okay.
Contact list, contact list.
I know what you want, Bill.
Just give me a second.
Hey, mommy's here.
Oh, what are you guys doing here? Honey, you were so worried about work this morning that, uh, we just decided to come here and give you a family hug.
- Aw.
- Bring it in, mom.
- Yeah, come here.
- So sweet.
Oh, boy, I could really use one.
The producers and now the director is riding me about my underacting.
- Mm-hmm.
- Ugh.
Where's Janie? Janie? Um I got to go wait in the car.
Yeah, uh, crack a window.
Janie, um, was having so much fun with Charlotte that they went and had a playdate.
Oh, that's great.
- Isn't Gwen wonderful? - Who? Charlotte's mom, Gwen.
Oh, Gwen.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I thought you said Ben.
I was like, "Who the heck is Ben?" Amy hobbs to stage.
That's me.
Oh, you guys better go too.
You have that piano lesson at 5:00.
Yeah, okay.
All right.
Yeah.
All right.
Okay.
Yep.
Okay.
Wait, wait, wait.
Dave, Dave, Dave.
Yes? Go ahead, hon.
I just want to say thank you for your support.
This morning you were right.
We each have our own system, and if you say you don't need the book, then you don't need the book, but for you to allow me to pursue my dreams and stay at home with the kids and the family hugs, I just I wish Janie were here to share this moment with us, I really do.
- Me too.
- Yeah.
That's it.
That's exactly the melodramatic crap I've been looking for.
Picture's up! Let's shoot this sucker! I love you.
I love you.
Yes.
Remember that.
Oh, I love you guys.
- Did you get it? - No.
It's locked.
Just because the plan didn't work out doesn't mean it was a bad plan.
Honey, that is the exact definition of a bad plan.
I got a plan now.
Come with me.
Kevin, I need your help.
I've taken care of everything.
She's waiting at the piano.
- Janie's back? - Not exactly.
Nope.
I can't do it.
Kevin, I told you to get a four-foot five-year-old, not a 45-year-old.
I know.
I'm sorry, but Brenda's the best that we could do on such short notice.
Sorry, Brenda, no pun intended.
She was our kid stand-in on the show.
Hey, Brenda, how's Phil? He's good.
Working on Game of Thrones.
Brenda, by any chance, would you be interested in purchasing a beautiful pink sweater vest? It's Ms.
Woo.
Okay, places, everybody, places.
Okay.
Oh, wait.
Wedding ring.
Good catch, Kevin 'Cause that was gonna give this whole thing away.
I am Woo.
I am hobbs.
This is daughter Janie.
She's very Sturdy.
Yeah, she is.
Her mom's also sturdy And tiny.
Tiny and sturdy that's how I like 'em.
My little spark plug.
Hey, well, all right, honey Have a good lesson.
If anybody needs anything, we'll be in the kitchen, okay? Emily, homework.
Kevin, with me.
Are you ready, young lady? I was born ready Five years ago.
Sorry.
Okay, David, what do I do now? So far, in the greater L.
A.
area, I have contacted 92 Gwens and one very irate Glen.
Just keep calling people, Kevin.
I got to get her back mommy's home.
Hey.
Awesome! You're early.
I didn't want to miss my baby's first lesson.
I have to take a peak.
No, no, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait.
Don't do that, Amy, don't do that.
Seriously, she's she's in there concentrating, and you'll break that for her.
Don't do that.
Okay Well, the lesson went What was I saying? Ms.
Woo, I'm Janie's mom, Amy.
See? Tiny and sturdy.
Your daughter has potential.
Yes, she's a very quick study.
Oh, that's great.
Oh, thank you so much.
Let me get your check.
Dad, I can still get you out of this.
But you are gonna replace mom's sweater, right? Yes, yes.
You should go hear Janie play, mom.
It's really hard to believe it's her.
Ooh, I knew there was talent in those little fingers of hers.
Emily? Hi, baby.
- Did you have fun today? - Uh-huh.
- Yeah? - How did you do this? I saw Gwen pull up outside with Janie.
I ran out, met them in the driveway, made the switch easy peasy.
You could have just told me, Emily.
Don't hate the playa, hate the game.
Sorry.
Kevin, I forgot my wedding ring.
I mean, daddy, could I get juice box? Oh, I thought I saw Brenda in the driveway.
Who are you standing in for? Janie, we found you.
Yes! And Amy's home too.
Awesome.
I think I hear my wife calling me from across the street.
Marcus! She's relentless.
I just coming, baby girl.
You should have lugged it.
I'm thinking you probably want a word.
Yeah.
I'm five.
I'm not.
- David.
- Mm-hmm? You do realize that if you had just taken the book, mm-hmm, all you had to do was flip to the contact list.
♪ Oh and you would find You would find Crap.
Oh, Gwen was a late addition to the class, and I guess I forgot to add her name.
Oops.
Oh, yeah, that makes you happy, doesn't it? Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
- Eh, a little bit.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, honey, look, we both learned something.
You have a method that you think works for you.
Mmhmm.
I have a method that I think works for me.
And, ultimately, we're both wrong.
I can't believe that you actually thought you could get away with That.
Honestly, there was, uh, no moment where I thought I would get away with that.
Ooh, you are tiny and sturdy.
Hey, daddy.
Mwah.
Yeah.
A kiss and a "hey, daddy" somebody wants something.
That's not tr fine.
I was hoping I could get my allowance today.
Honey, you already got your allowance.
- No, I didn't.
- Yeah, you did.
You spent it on mom's sweater.
What? Wait.
That means I won't see another dime for Four months.
Don't hate the playa.
It's good to be the king.