Selfie (2014) s01e02 Episode Script

Social media can be confusing if you're super old and dumb.
Why did you just favorite that tweet? She called you ugly.
Because she's a hater.
I love my haters.
They make me famous.
- You're not famous.
- I am in the Twitterverse.
I see.
And your favorite thing is when people insult your looks? Well, it's not my favorite thing.
Yet, you're favorited it.
Favoriting an insult is a way of showing it doesn't hurt you.
But it should hurt you.
And maybe if I was still ugly, it would.
Having haters online means that you made it.
Okay, but having haters in real life means that people hate you.
I'm sorry, but did you see what she was wearing? I have cotton briefs that cover more.
I can't believe H.
R.
hasn't cited her for inappropriate office attire.
Please she's probably slept with everyone in H.
R.
How do you think she got to be the number-one sales rep? You're killing me! Can't be that funny.
It's like, "hey, there, sweet potato.
I'm on to you.
"You're not a French fry, stop showing up with my burger.
" You're hilarious.
You should be president.
Eliza, may I speak with you for a moment in my office? - Charlie, hold my calls.
- Uh, no one called.
Good.
Let's keep it that way.
I can't control who calls the office.
Charlie, I beg.
Okay.
Okay.
What do you think you were doing out there with that guy from business affairs? Guys like it when you laugh at their jokes and make them feel powerful.
President like that guy could be president.
You're right.
Oh, God, you're so smart.
You know, you should be on the supreme court.
Well, I do consider myself fair and impart That is not gonna work on me.
And while we're at it, do you think that these tight tights and those short shorts and those high high heels are appropriate office attire? You sound like Joan and the fuggalos.
Eliza, this isn't the Twitterverse.
You have to think about how you are perceived in this office.
No, I have to think about how I'm perceived outside this office, which is hot, which is what helps me sell drugs to repressed, old doctors, which is how I got to be the number-one sales rep.
Well, people are gonna get the wrong impression.
When you dress like this and you act like this People are gonna assume that you're sleeping with president sweet potato.
I am sleeping with him.
I sleep with him all the time.
- Since when? - Let me check.
Oh, here.
First text from Freddy "You are hotter than the bottom of my laptop" 2 1/2 weeks ago.
you're already intimate? "Intimate"? Is that how old people say "sex"? No.
Yes.
Eliza, this is your second office relationship in the short time that I've known you.
And I use the word "relationship" very loosely.
Okay, don't get all slut-shamey on me just 'cause you don't get my generation.
It just so happens we're a lot more cas about sex than you baby boomers.
I'm not a I'm not a baby boomer.
Yes, you are.
I fall squarely within the parameters of generation "x," thank you very much.
But, Henry, this is one area where I'm not sure you should be advising me I mean, you're so out of touch, you're not even on Facebook.
Hey, I'd rather be out of touch than touching everything that walks.
See? It hurts when girls don't laugh at your jokes.
Eliza, you you asked me to help you cultivate meaningful relationships.
Is that what you think you're doing with Freddy? Could be.
Do you two ever make advance plans? Kind of.
_ Have you and Freddy ever been on an actual date? Basically.
_ Come on, Eliza.
Have you and Freddy even been outside together? For the most part.
Does his wraparound terrace count? I hate to break it to you, but I'm gonna.
You are what Jamie Foxx and other men of my generation refer to as a Booty call.
And if your behavior persists, that is all you will ever be.
Whatevs.
If I wanted more, there could totally be more.
But the truth is, I wasn't so sure, so I decided to feel Freddy out after he was done feeling me up.
Welcome.
Hey, uh, what do you think of our relation thingy? I think it's awesome.
How many favorites my "sweet potato" tweet got? Six.
But seriously, would you ever want to, like, go outside With me? Hmm.
Never really thought about it.
Guess I, uh, kind of like what we have inside.
Hey.
Want to take an after-sex pic? Sure.
Eardrops.
Hear-drops.
No more teardrops with eardrops.
Don't fear drops.
The ear pops.
The pain stops.
Sir? Uh, my parents are in town.
Charlie, it's back to square one now.
I don't hear my voice I only hear your voice.
Should we just these "my parents are in town" drops? Does that sound like a good name? Just kidding.
You can go now.
But you really did ruin my train of thought.
Okay.
Eardrops.
F What are you still doing here? Here? Work.
I'm working.
What are you doing here? Oh, well, we are pre-partying down in the lab.
You coming tonight? It's Sharon from I.
T.
'S birthday.
Oh.
Uh, no, I got work to do Plus, uh, I don't really know Sharon, so I wasn't invited.
Nobody knows Sharon.
She's just an idea.
I'm sorry.
I am really drunk.
Um, everybody knows Sharon, and she sent out a Facebook invite.
- Oh.
I'm not on Facebook.
- Wait.
How do you know who from high school's gotten ugly? You're just walking around, not knowing who's ugly? I-I have my suspicions.
Uh Henry's not on Facebook.
You know that? - What?! - I'm on I'm on Linkedin! Did you tell them I'm on Linkedin? - Oh, don't make it worse.
- No.
- Uh, no.
- I have a Linkedin profi All right.
Fine.
Let's see who got ugly.
Wow.
Smelly Terry from camp really turned it around.
Is that his wife? My God! She looks like a boat-show model.
Maybe 'cause she's standing on a boat.
Mm.
Smelly Terry has a boat.
Geez.
My first friend is my mom, just like in life.
Facebook mildly entertaining, certainly not all-consuming.
Who will save your soul if you won't save your own? Yes! I've always felt that.
Okay, you were right.
Freddy doesn't want to go outside with me.
He just likes what we have inside, which means you and Jamie Foxx have a point.
Are you okay? Mm.
Yes.
I was just up all night working Here at work, on work stuff.
Well, work on me.
Should I be trying to get Freddy to take me more seriously or whatever? I mean, I'm fine with the Booty-call status for now, but at some point, I'm gonna want to be first lady, you know? To president sweet potato? Not necessarily.
I just want to know that I'm on the ballot.
First ladies aren't on the ballot.
Well, it's just an honor to be nominated.
Oh, God.
If you're serious, stop responding when he texts, "'sup?" If he wants to know 'sup, he can stop by your desk and form a full sentence.
Totes.
Ally.
No.
He needs to know 'sup.
No.
That was for my mom, I swear.
You have to break the cycle.
Freddy will never see you any differently if you keep sexting and sucking on pens What are you doing sucking on that pen like that? That is toxic.
Sorry.
I thought Freddy was looking over here.
That's exactly what I'm talking about Not everything you do should center around Freddy.
You have to foster other interests, think about other things.
What were you doing before you two got together? Oh, um, I-I think I was doing Troy? Oh, God.
You need to become the kind of person who doesn't spend all her time thinking about the opposite sex.
So, like, a lesbian? No.
Just a person with varied interests.
Oh.
Like, what interests? Can you be more specific? Like, any interests Science, politics, woodworking, books, nature Literally anything besides fixating on men.
Find a hobby.
Join a club.
I knew just where to start With my neighbor Bryn, who ran a book club for adult virgins.
Bryn? Girl, I haven't seen you in forevs.
I saw you at the mailboxes yesterday.
You dropped all your Victoria's secret catalogs on the floor, even though there's a recycling bin right there.
You should have said hi.
So, I've been thinking a lot about you and your interests and your hobbies, and it's weird we aren't closer, given how much we have in common.
How much who has in common? You and I.
Like, that book you're reading, "The curious incident of the dog in the night-time" I'm reading that, too.
- You're reading? - Yeah.
Yeah, with the dog and the night-time and the curiosity and, like, the incident and the dog of it all.
I'd love to talk way more about it sometime.
- You would? - Yeah.
There's a lot of stuff you guys don't know about me.
What do you think, Bryn? No one's ever asked to be in your book club before.
Be at my place tomorrow night, 8:00 P.
M.
Oh, my God.
Thank you.
I will definitely be there instead of having sex with someone.
Thanks.
Okay.
While I was picking up a book, Henry was trying to resist the one book that's impossible to put down.
He was figuring out what every grandmother had figured out four years ago Facebook is crack.
Go on and turn up that bass-line selector! Really, Charlie? Palm Springs with a fake patois? Me know your parents not in town.
Henry? We're facetime'ing.
Oh, yeah, how about that? Um, so I just wanted you to know that I took your advice, and I joined a book club.
I'm at the salvation army right now looking for an asexual ensemble to wear while reading.
What do you think of this? Shouldn't you be reading the book instead of worrying about what to wear while reading the book? Well, I'm eight pages in.
It's not good.
Oh, but I forgot to tell you I haven't responded to Freddy all day, and he texted me like five times last night.
It's like, desperate much? Why does my mom keep poking me? Hey, are you are you on Facebook right now? Okay, so, I might have also taken your advice and engaged in some light Facebook-ery.
Oh, that is so cute! Look at you, using Facebook on your desktop like it's 2011 again.
You know there's an app Right? for your phone.
Really? On my phone What a waste of time.
Well, have fun.
Just don't start stalking your exes.
You don't want to go down that rabbit hole.
Trust.
Oh, I trust Me not to do that.
Okay.
Well, read your book.
Bye, Eliza.
B But it was too late.
Once the option of stalking your exes is presented, - you can't not do it.
- Oh.
- It's like crack.
- Ohh.
It's weird how much stuff is like crack.
Olivia had a baby? What's that? Why's my name Why am I a baby? What? No, no, no, no.
No.
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
No.
Undo, damn it.
Undo.
You undo, damn it.
She's not.
Did you guys already start? I got hung up at goodwill.
You look amazing.
Sorry if I smell like dead people.
We all do.
That's how you know it's vintage.
Okay.
Ah, ah, ah.
No cellphones at book club.
Silent, please.
I'm sorry.
- Homemade pop-tart? - You made these? It's really not that hard.
You just need your standard flaky pastry recipe, a double boiler to make the filling.
I did chocolate hazelnut and raspberry minted walnut.
Then, you know, a fluted cutting wheel, parchment, and, of course, baking sheets.
But they also have them at gelson's and sometimes even rite aid.
Or is that not the point? Okay, ladies, let's get this book club started.
I'd like to throw it to Bryn.
Bryn? I would like to begin by expressing how struck I remain by Haddon's use of language.
Why is your bookmark only like two pages in? Oh, uh, well, actually, it's eight pages in, so no spoilers.
I knew she didn't read the book.
Give me that pop-tart back.
Eliza.
Is this a "Jerry Maguire" moment? I have been in this book club for three years, and she gets a "Jerry Maguire" moment on her first night? Uh, Henry, what are you doing here? Is it that she completes you? No, it's that I tagged myself as an ex-girlfriend's breast-feeding baby on Facebook.
Did somebody die in here? Could we Can I Yeah.
There's a - I don't want to say, "I told you so.
" - But you told me so.
There.
That's done.
Now, please, untag me.
Untagged.
Thank you! Thank you.
Maybe she didn't see it.
No.
Yeah.
She definitely saw it.
You get an alert.
An ale An alert? Why would they do that? To keep track of the pervs? See, this is why I didn't want to join Facebook.
Because you knew you'd act like a perv? J.
K.
Oh, just text her "J.
K.
" No.
No.
More impersonal communication that can be easily misconstrued is not the answer.
That's how I got into this mess.
- I'm going in.
- Wait.
Henry, I think these girls are on to me.
And truth told, I hated the book.
And hanging out with these nonsexual, farm-to-table mini-grandmas is not keeping my mind off Freddy, who keeps texting me.
Eliza, my ex thinks I have a lactating fetish.
Can we regroup on this? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Hey.
Thanks for agreeing to see me, Olivia.
Henry, what's going on? You broke up with me.
Three years pass.
I haven't talked to you since then, until you tag yourself as my breast-feeding baby on Facebook.
I know it's weird.
That's why I wanted to come over here in person to explain that it was an accident.
I didn't want you to think I was What? That you were thinking about me? Don't worry.
No, no.
I was thinking about you, just not in that way.
In what way, then? No, in an, um, "I wonder how she's doing.
I hope she's well," way.
Oh, well, I'm great.
Yeah.
The minute I realized you were never gonna care about me as much as your job, I moved on.
I met a really great guy.
- Great.
- And you? - You look good.
- Oh.
Last time I saw you, you were rocking those frosted tips.
I frosted one tip.
Because you loved Mark McGrath.
I didn't love Mark McGrath I admired his resilience.
Mm.
Pop culture asked him to leave, and instead, he rose like a Phoenix from the ashes of Sugar Ray.
Ohh.
I take it you're still single.
Yes, yes.
For the moment, I am.
Um Better get cracking, though.
According to Facebook, every single person I know is married with kids.
When did that happen? Probably when you were at the office.
After Bryn's book whores kicked me out of their nerd club, I had no choice but to eat my feelings, - which were covered in - Mochi.
And kiwi.
Just five gummy bears Red ones.
One green.
And some butterfinger.
Charmonique? Charmonique, it's me.
Eliza, what's with the getup? Oh, I was just trying to change my image and be seen as something other than a Booty call.
Oh.
Have a kid.
No one will ever call your Booty again.
Just kidding.
But seriously, it is a deterrent.
Not to everyone.
But to a lot of people.
I'm man poison.
Well, it's cheat day.
Got to get to it.
Cheat day.
Of course.
You have to give in to your urges if you're gonna stay on the diet.
Can I get a half-cake batter, half-mint chocolate cheesecake? If I have sex with Freddy right now, it'll give me the strength to not have sex with Freddy for the rest of the week.
Guuuh! Besides, if texting Freddy was the wrong thing to do, I'm sure the universe would give me a sign.
It didn't even hurt.
I'm fi aah! The irony of falling into a manhole while texting Freddy was not lost on me.
Eardrops.
Fear drops.
Career drops.
"For the baby you'll never have because you spend too much time at work" drops.
Henry felt alone, but instead of reaching out to a friend, he reached for his wireless mouse.
ElizaWhat happened? Are you okay? Oh, it's not a big deal.
I just got hit by a smart car, dislocated my tailbone, fell down a manhole, fractured my pelvis, banged my head, got a concussion, saw the white light, ran into Tupac and Biggie, who squashed it.
I knew they would.
Boy, I'm glad you're okay, 'causeI was at work, as usual, and I saw that you were hurt.
And I just, um, I wanted to - Freddy? - Hey.
- What are you doing here? - Yeah, what? Just came by in case they needed someone to identify the Booty.
That was legitimately funny.
Here.
I brought you a charger.
Dead phone, right? That is why you weren't returning my texts.
How about, "Eliza, are you okay? I was worried"? Sorry.
Um, I've just been kind of busy with other interests.
Ow.
It hurts to wink.
Subtle.
So, uh, are they gonna let you go home soon? I could, uh, you know, give you a lift.
Uh, sure.
I mean, I have an aircast on my foot and I have to be woken up every hour, but as long as you don't put all your weight on my fractured pelvis Oh.
I-I didn't mean to hook up.
I just thought I could drive you to your place, walk you to your door.
- Outside? - Yeah.
Unless you know another way to get there.
No.
No.
Outside is great.
I love that you want to walk outside with me.
Ow.
Thumbs-up hurts, too.
You don't have to signal me Observing all this in tandem with you.
Ow! Okay.
Well, I will leave you to it.
Rest up, Eliza.
Feel better.
Oh, hey, uh, Henry.
You know you tagged yourself as the bedpan in my hospital pic, right? Damn it.
I hate Facebook.
I tried to message you on Facebook.
Did you take down your account? - That's exactly what I did.
- Oh, man.
Why? Well, I'm an old-fashioned guy.
I've decided that from now on, if I want to check up on people, I'm gonna do it the old-fashioned way.
Well, thanks for checking up on me today.
You're most welcome, Eliza.
Now get some sleep.
- And, Eliza.
- Yeah? I'll call you in an hour to wake you up, okay?