Sex, Love & Goop (2021) s01e02 Episode Script

1
Any areas of your body
you don't want me to touch?
Um
- My butt. No butt.
- Butt is off-limits. No butt.
I wanna address before we get
on the table that your arousal is okay,
and if you get an erection
during this, that is okay.
Okay.
You have total permission
to have an erection.
If it happens, we're all good.
So you're gonna undress
as much as you're comfortable,
and then you start face down on the table.
All right, okay.
Culturally, we don't see a lot of models
for how true communication,
vulnerable, honest communication happens
between couples talking
about sex, thinking about sex.
Everybody's always
putting on a face of, like,
"We're really great," at the dinner party.
- It's just not the case, you know?
- Right.
There's always stuff going on.
I've just recently
read an article that said
we should stop saying
that we're happily married.
Like, it doesn't do anybody
any service to just say that.
That there's other parts to it,
and that's giving people ideas of thinking
that they are not happily married.
It's true.
My dad was
the funniest person in the world,
and he and my mother had a long marriage
before he unfortunately died.
And they were married, I think, 33 years.
And they were being interviewed,
I think for a morning show, one time,
and, um, the interviewer said to them,
"So, what's the secret?"
"You guys have been married
all this time and you have this"
"In Hollywood especially."
And my dad said, "You know, we never
wanted to get divorced at the same time."
Yeah.
So I think it, like, beautifully states,
right, how Like, that's what it is.
Yeah. That's awesome.
And when you're living together,
sharing a bed year after year.
- Sharing a bathroom, raising kids
- You're roommates.
A completely different relationship.
- Mm-hmm.
- And so it makes perfect sense,
it's only natural that that spark, uh,
that got the relationship started
is no longer there.
There's something so incredible
when you are willing
to ongoingly work on your relationship
and to say,
"We're not going with the status quo,
and we're also not breaking up."
- That takes a lot of guts, you know, to
- Yeah.
Do it over.
I was afraid that if I move on,
I would be in the same spot in ten years.
- You would.
- You would.
I mean
We were listening
to a podcast driving up here,
and they were talking about
the nice guy syndrome and how,
as a guy who wants to just please
your wife, like, "Happy wife, happy life,"
you think you're doing everything right,
yet the woman is left totally unfulfilled.
I was ready to tattoo the phrase
"Happy wife, happy life."
- My God. I would've walked out that day.
- I was gonna tattoo it to my face.
She did warn me that
if I did something like that,
that it may not go over well.
But I was so committed to that.
And what you end up with is a relationship
where the man is basically
circling around the woman's needs.
Well, it's like a little boy and a mom.
- And so then when
- The boy wanting to please his mommy.
It doesn't It's not sexy, I think.
You know, so, we're kind of at a loss.
But I think the greater problem
is that there are no narratives
for good sex or a sexual relationship
that's healthy in a long-term marriage.
And so that's why I'm very excited
about learning from these experts,
because they do seem to have the secret.
They seem to have the secrets.
While there's nothing wrong
with the way you praise her,
for the sexual occasion,
it's not going to produce the outcome.
- Right?
- Right.
We're gonna work with your bodies
in a way that
you can interact with each other
from that place of softness and strength.
What Rama and Felicitas were experiencing
and what they came to us for
is very common.
- Okay.
- Yep.
Okay. Give me a pull. Give me a pull.
The kind of dynamic that they had was
a little boy/overcritical mother dynamic.
And so, they wanted to learn how to
redefine themselves as a husband and wife
playing in the erotic.
- Do we have blindfolds?
- Yes.
- Okay.
- Cool.
Yes. Ah.
- Rama, you can pick one.
- Big and small.
Yeah. Pick one for
- Oh. We will each wear
- No, just for her.
- Just for her? Okay. Let's do a soft one.
- Okay, good.
So, here Wait, wait, wait,
hold on, hold on, hold on.
He's like
Okay, so, we're gonna do this right.
We're now playing with the sexual dynamic.
So, you're going
to put that blindfold on her
in a way that delights her entire body.
- See, she just tensed up
- Mm-hmm.
by the pure idea of that happening.
Even though she likes it,
her body goes, "Let's see what you got."
I don't know if you saw that.
Did you see that?
- I did actually.
- Yeah.
Yeah. She has a very specific look
on her face when it's like,
"Uh, I don't know."
Because I feel he's in this, like
Of course, but that's not for you to
I know, but it's
But what I'm saying is,
you don't have to say that.
- Your body says that.
- Okay.
Right? You don't exactly
have a poker face.
I know that.
I've heard that before.
So, exactly.
So, he's aware.
One of the dynamics we want to break
is the little boy/mommy dynamic
where you go,
"I don't like the way he looks right now."
- Well, so what?
- Yeah.
He doesn't know.
He's never done this before.
- He'll figure it out.
- Yes.
And we know he can,
because he's named after one
of the greatest epic stories in the world.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
And he's the king within that story.
So why wouldn't he figure it out?
- You know?
- Yeah.
When I work with very
ingrained relationship dynamics,
it's useful to give names
that trigger the ability
to enter their sexual personas.
We started calling him King Rama
as a means of inviting the grown man,
the, you know, adult to the sexual place.
See if you can do this
from the king place.
Right.
Drop your energy.
Now enter the battlefield
as the king that you are.
Traditionally speaking,
there has to be attraction
between the two partners
in some way
that galvanizes the sexual action.
We sometimes call it sexual polarity
or erotic friction, which is
There's a tension between two poles.
It's another way of saying
opposites attract.
There's a soft, surrendering aspect,
and there is a focused, guiding aspect.
That's what makes for that
that hotness.
Okay.
You can take her blindfold off.
Well.
That was pretty good.
That is a high compliment
from the lips of Felicitas.
So, if you knew all along,
then why don't you do that?
I'm kidding. This was so spot on.
So, let's rewind this.
You got to get into the habit of,
"That was good, I liked this,"
without criticizing it right afterwards.
Okay.
Something I'm a real stickler for
is that sexual feedback
is not given in the moment.
Why not?
Because you start having
negative associations.
- Oh. Interesting.
- Right?
Because essentially, bodies are
built to remember things, right?
And sexual engagement
has to do a lot with biochemistry
and the nervous system,
and relaxing and opening.
When you get negative feedback
in a place where you're supposed
to open up and feel hot and heavy,
it's very likely that
you're not gonna be as open
the next time you're in that place.
It's so hard to sometimes take
the step back because we're just often
so caught up in our emotions.
And at the same time, I was shocked
when I realized,
"There are different ways to communicate."
We're human beings, we all have problems,
we all have unresolved stuff.
You gotta stay curious, especially when
there's some friction points in your life,
and things aren't feeling
exactly as they should,
which is just part of the process
of being a human being, right?
Yeah.
Thank you for acknowledging
that this is something that we need.
Unfortunately, as Black people,
we don't have those conversations much.
I grew up with girlfriends whose parents
were doctors, so I went to therapy.
I was like, "No problem!"
I didn't feel weird about it.
For him, I think it's different.
I think culturally, there is a stigma.
Myself, I'm not opposed to the therapy,
but I feel like if there's
something I need to talk about,
I talk to her about it.
So, why come to sex therapy together?
Because sometimes it feels like
I'm not figuring it out, you know?
Sometimes she feels like
I'm not hearing her.
I love you.
I love you too.
Well, okay.
It's been an argument for a while that
he's wanted kids, and I've been not ready.
I feel like there's some things that
we need help with, both sexually and
Initiating? He hasn't tried the things
that I said would make me wanna try more.
You want more sex, I'm telling you
here's how to get more sex,
but you're not willing to do it.
So we need somebody neutral,
kind of, I think to
- Yeah.
- To help.
All right.
So, just nice, big, deep breath.
We're gonna do the same thing we did
on you, we're gonna start energetic.
So, start with your hands above his body.
- Kinda play with the hairs.
- Mm-hmm.
You know, like,
just barely touching them.
It gives a little bit of stimulation,
but it's still energetic.
Mm-hmm.
Ooh. Did you see that?
Damon's quiz results said
that he was the sexual blueprint.
The sexual is someone who's turned on
by what we think of as sex in our culture.
Intercourse, orgasms,
penetration, genitals, nudity.
Take a finger.
And you're gonna
spiral in towards his nipple.
But there's who we think
we need to be as erotic beings,
and then there's
who we really are as erotic beings.
Then check in with him.
On a scale of one to five,
how pleasurable is this?
Yeah, that's like a 47.
Forty-seven.
We've gone up the scale.
He can't even
think of the numbers.
You're a candidate
for a full-body orgasm.
Mm.
There's this thing in our culture with,
especially, cisgendered, heterosexual men,
of, this is how you're supposed to be
when you're orgasming.
It's easy. It's like, okay,
slot A goes into slot B,
and explosive!
And that's how it works.
We need to include
all the expressions of pleasure.
It doesn't have to be genital-focused
orgasm. It can be anywhere on their body.
How does that feel?
That's a four.
- That's a four?
- That's a five.
- And now it's a five.
- Oh.
And let's start to just play
with dragging it up and down the leg.
Okay.
Across.
See how he's getting, like,
goose pimples all over?
These goose pimples show
how he's able to uptake pleasure.
- Mm-hmm.
- It's an erection in each hair follicle.
My hair is getting hard.
And Damon, I'll have you
breathe in and out your mouth.
And then just let it fall out like
Ah.
Good. Now exhale
and relax all the muscles.
You noticing that shiver in your body?
Mm-hmm.
It's because there's a lot of energy
that wants to move through your body,
and you're holding a little tension of it.
Yeah, see how that's moving now?
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah. Let it shake.
It's okay. It's orgasmic energy.
Oh, man.
- Yeah.
- Big tears.
- Ah.
- See this? This is energetic orgasm.
I bet you didn't know you could have
energetic orgasms. Did you?
If you want to lay
your chest over his chest
and then just squeeze his arms
towards his body.
I'm really sensitive.
Mm-hmm.
I think we just opened you up
in your true blueprint.
I love you.
Mmm. I love you so much, baby.
Oh, I love you too.
So look in each other's eyes.
Right here.
I love you.
Love you too, baby.
I think you're gonna
sleep really good tonight.
Mm.
When I was watching
some of the footage of Erika and Damon
When he was receiving, it was
so vulnerable and emotional for him.
And I thought, "Gosh, like,
we've never really seen this before."
It's so antithetical to our kind
of archetypal male in the bedroom.
I think in general, most men associate
weakness with that kind of surrender.
Are those little tears?
We are orgasmic beings,
and our natural state
is one of bliss and pleasure.
Every cell in our bodies
is wired for pleasure.
And so, I think this is just an opening
of our body to our true state of being.
And so we're raising a baseline
of how we normally operate,
and stress, and cortisol, and going
through life, not present, not here.
And then when we hit a state
where we feel what's actually really here,
it's overwhelming.
And so we have phenomenon, we have
the body shaking and jerking and twitching
as it's trying to assimilate so much
moving through our bodies.
I'll tell you a bit about
your blueprint and his blueprint.
Okay.
So, a lot of times,
people can take on a masking
Okay, yeah.
um, of "This is how I'm supposed to be
as a man sexually in the world,"
because it's how they've been taught
that they're supposed to be.
So, you're actually an energetic
with sexual, sensual underneath that.
Which is good news for the two of you
because you're both very high energetics.
So, what do you notice
in your body now?
It feels like after sex.
Yay!
Guess what.
You did actually just have sex.
Mm.
It's just that the sexual's definition
of sex is intercourse.
The energetic's definition of sex
is what you just experienced.
Oh my gosh.
What just happened to me?
So are you a happy man?
I'm super giddy right now.
I guess that might be
a by-product of what happened today.
I mean, um
No matter
what it looked like on camera
Man, if you haven't felt that before
I actually can't
correctly describe it.
I'm just enjoying this feeling right now.
And I'm super excited
to learn how to keep doing this,
and for us to keep doing this.
So, yeah.
It just expanded my whole body.
It was the same feeling
that I usually have after sex.
Turned all the way up.
I can still feel it right now.
I can still feel it right now,
and I've never had this feeling
last this long or go that high.
And it's really good also
because we're in
the same category, sexually.
I'm really wondering
what's in store for the next two days.
I mean, this was just the beginning,
and I'm already ratcheted up this high.
Shoot.
My dick might fall off.
All right.
So, we're gonna go a little bit more
into a sensitivity-building exercise
where you're transmitting
a bit of energy back and forth.
You can put your blindfolds on.
And once you have your blindfolds on,
you stay touching palm to palm.
Perfect.
So, the key here is to go back
Exactly. And now the other way.
Reverse direction.
with your breath.
Good.
Felicitas and Rama, they're very heady,
intellectually-oriented people.
So, when we take sight away
and connect bodies,
the externally-referenced
thinking subsides.
This particular exercise
amplifies the erotic attraction.
And so now Felicitas can
actually track your natural breath
because you're leading.
It has a leading and following quality
that programs the body to learn
the principles of that erotic friction.
In a very short period of time, even with
people who are not feeling very sexy,
it can get very sexy.
Can I get somebody to get some music?
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
Good. And so now
Rama, from here in a moment,
you can lead Felicitas on a little journey
through your inner landscape.
"This is who I am right now."
"This is me as love."
"This is love moving through me."
Felicitas, all you need to do
is allow yourself to follow along.
And, seamlessly,
Felicitas is taking over.
"Oh yeah, feel my heart.
Here is my heart. This is how I love."
"This is who I am as a sexual being."
"Come along on the ride
through my inner sexual landscape."
And then Rama is taking back over.
Felicitas really loves when
she doesn't have to think and control.
And she gets very happy,
and you can see it in her face.
She softens, she becomes bright,
her body relaxes,
she giggles, she's playful,
and he really loves when
she allows him to take over,
and it makes for a very different,
and I think, very rich-to-explore dynamic
between the two of them.
And now you can, uh, use your entire body.
As women, we've sort of given
ourselves so much responsibility,
and we work really hard,
we're raising our kids,
we're cooking and
we're trying to be all of these things,
and we've sort of forgotten the importance
of, at least for me, of, like,
getting completely back
into the softness of the body.
It might be different for people
of different genders and relationships,
but for me, it's so restorative
when I can be completely open
and soft and vulnerable
and not in control,
and I really only have that
within the context of my marriage.
There is still also a bit of stigma around
wanting to be soft and surrendered.
Or that it's, you know, against feminism
- Exactly. Yes.
- to submit to your partner sexually.
Yes. Yes.
But it's a voluntary act
that actually is very empowering.
And this is, by the way,
the same for queer couples,
lesbian couples, gay
- It doesn't matter.
- Right.
It's active surrender and not,
um, you know, passive surrender.
You're not just, like,
flopping over, being a doormat.
You're actively saying,
"There's another part of me."
Right.
And you're actually really good at that.
I like to be in that state.
Yeah. Brad likes it too
that you're in that state.
Let's see how much fun we can make this.
Wonderful.
- The king's pillow.
- The king. The king.
Good.
At the very end,
we put Rama on his king chair,
so he was comfortable,
his body was open and relaxed,
but also as a symbol for him
taking his seat as a grown, adult man
within that relationship,
versus the little boy.
And Felicitas is submissive in the sense
that she's not calling the shots.
So it's her antidote to the general.
You're gonna essentially go like
"Here." You know?
Uh, exactly. And you're gonna tell her
what you'd like for her to do.
- Okay.
- You know, "Come here. On your knees."
- "Do this. Do that."
- Yes.
Uh, maybe sit on him?
I was just gonna say. But that would mean
I am giving him a lap dance on Netflix.
- Are you up for this? Good. Good.
- Yeah.
So, where should I
- That's up to the king.
- Okay.
I would like you to start
over there at that window.
Okay.
Do you want
a bit of music in the background?
- Sure.
- Yeah.
Take one of those mats.
And roll it out here in front of me.
And walk the catwalk for me a little bit.
Ooh.
I love the way you look when you crawl.
That's what the mat is for, my dear.
All right.
Ooh.
Why don't you have a seat here?
Turn around.
How was that?
That was excellent.
Okay. Very nice.
Did you have moments in this
where you felt the spark?
Yes. The tease. I just love
a lot of flirting and all of that.
Okay, good. Is there anything
that you would want more of
or something that
you absolutely don't want to do?
- I think you did a really good job
- Mm-hmm.
but you were trying to be very nice.
- So, in the privacy of your own home
- Right.
he could be a little bit dirtier?
Maybe dirtier
and just focusing on the commands.
- Okay, so that's very, very good feedback.
- Okay.
Even now, the way he's sitting there is
he's much more, you know, there.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
And that has to do with him
finding it in his body,
but also you treating him as such.
Yes.
I feel a sense of relief.
I feel a weight has been lifted because
I feel like Felicitas
really saw me for who I am.
A creative leader,
intimately and sexually.
And I want to be seen, period.
I want to be seen, heard
and recognized and acknowledged, right?
But when you grab for respect,
that doesn't work.
Respect is something you have to earn,
and so it's gonna take time.
We're just getting started.
I think what I would like
people to know is that
we often are in situations
where we really see no path forward,
and it's amazing once you slow down.
I did not expect
that we could make these leaps.
And so, that really has me
kind of in awe of what is possible.
I think oftentimes
we're triggered and reacting,
and I think in those moments
we can destroy so much.
But if we can figure out a way
to open our hearts more and try to listen
And oftentimes, you know,
we do need help for that.
I think we can be an example
for how much there is actually to explore
when you think there's nothing left,
and that could be helpful
to a lot of people.
I wanna hear all about
how you're doing this morning.
I'm just really relaxed.
Woke up feeling really good.
- At first, trying to come down
- Uh-huh.
That was Yeah, I was stuck up here.
- Yeah.
- Uh-huh.
And I was like, "Just calm down,
calm down, calm down." You know?
Woosah, woosah.
- And Yeah.
- To ground yourself.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
So, part of it, too,
is getting used to that place,
and your baseline being
you're operating in the world,
living in a beautiful, orgasmic place.
Wow.
So
I just pictured myself
walking down the street
I get that frequently.
When people first have this experience,
"What do I do with that energy?"
"How do I play with that energy?"
And so that can be kind of a scary moment.
Integration is about
now taking this home.
And so, the integration
that I designed for Erika and Damon
was about helping them do this,
'cause this experience is great,
but it doesn't mean anything
if they go back to their default mode.
All right. So, I'm here
with my partner, Ian. This is Ian.
- Great to meet you.
- Hey, Ian.
The two of you both being energetic,
I wanna show you
just a teeny bit of what's possible.
One of the things that really helped me
to continue to open to the energetic
was the game of "Yes."
Just say yes.
So this kind of thing of, where you're
playing with the energy of your hands,
and do you feel warmth,
it's simply being able to be
present enough and open enough
to just say,
"Okay, yes, I feel something."
"I'm just going to say yes to it,"
instead of this head trip of,
"What's it mean? Where does it go?"
"Is this erotic? Is this"
All of the things, of the judgments
that might push a sensation away
and just continue to be in the yes.
Mm-hmm.
I'm gonna wear a blindfold
just because I don't want
anybody to think I'm cheating.
Okay, you ready?
- We're ready.
- Okay.
All right. I'd love for you to start
- Little grounding?
- with a little grounding. Yeah.
Like, one hand either pubic bone or heart.
Okay.
Ooh.
Oh
Ah.
Ooh.
Hold still.
Then very slowly, like you're
pulling a thread, just start to pull.
Ooh. Slow. Slow.
- Are you at the top of my head too? Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
So, Damon, see how I'm letting it
move through my whole chest?
There's tension, right?
The tension happens in the body,
and I have to let it
move through my whole heart
and then into my neck
so that that energy moves
through your whole spine.
Right there's the sweet spot.
That's where I feel it the most.
And then he'll start to get it too.
Whoo!
Okay.
- Okay.
- Shit.
She went zero to 60 like that.
So, that was incredible.
- If you could be total still.
- Yeah.
Thank you.
To me, it really looked like
a magician and his assistant,
except her energy is real.
Like, he is completely
in tune with her body,
and she is completely aware of her body.
Yeah, good.
I was like,
"Okay, that's where I want to get to."
I'm the receiver in that situation.
I want to show you
how this can go between the two of you.
Okay.
First I drive the energy
down into my genitals
so that I'm getting
a little bit of turn-on there.
So you could be in intercourse
or not in intercourse with this.
And then we can start to move together.
Watching Jaiya and her partner,
I'm like, "Sign me up."
And sometimes you will need
to hold on for dear life to your partner.
I mean, seriously?
If you can get that type of connection
with your person you already love,
like, what more is there?
And there'll be a moment
when you'll feel her whole body go
And just in that moment, let her be
in that moment if that ever happens.
Nice.
If you can actually get to a heightened
spiritual, emotional,
physical level with your partner?
Jackpot.