Shooting Stars (1993) s01e02 Episode Script
Episode 2
That's George Dawes.
He's gonna be keeping the scores tonight.
- With a bit of luck.
- And During the quiz, you might hear this noise Don't worry.
It's just Carol's mind mulling on with a new sum.
A brand new sum, she A new, exciting sum.
All the best luck, that, Carol! Now yes, the rules are quite simple Yeah, hah hah hah The rules are quite simple in Shooting Stars.
There's open rounds, team rounds, and individual rounds.
And on those open rounds, - we really wanna see those fingers! - we really wanna see those fingers! - We really wanna see those fingers! - We really wanna see those fingers! Let's see those fingers moving! Jarvis, have you got fingers? Well, move 'em! That is a HUGE finger! - Wow! - Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Jarvis, I love your record.
You know, I you liked it so much, I taped it off the radio.
Cheers! Vic, you tape them all off the radio.
I do, I say that to all the pop stars.
Well, it proves to be a very exciting quiz - Vic, Vic - Tonight, we Hold on, hold your horses.
Just something I wanna do, if you don't mind? - What? - Just be Hold on, - excuse me.
- What are you doing? Ulrika? You know, been working with you these past few weeks, and I've kind of fallen in love with you.
Look, I mean, I know you're not much to look at, but You've really grown on me, and I just wondered if you'd marry me? I've got the ring, and everything.
- Would you? - Well Despite the glint in your eye, I am afraid Oh, go on, love! Go on On this occasion, I have to say, I've already entered into the marital contract with somebody else.
Oh, right.
Fair enough! - What where you doing!? - Sorry about that! What where you doing? Vic, I apologise for the interruption, it's the True or False round.
- Is something true or false? True, or - What where you doing? Oh, I was just asking Ulrika to marry me.
Is it true or false? And the first question is for you, Clunesie! If you don't mind me calling you Cluensie? True or false, Cluensie? Sidney Poitier weighed a third of an ounce at birth.
True or false? False.
It IS false.
It was actually a massive three pounds! - Well done, Martin! - Thank you.
- You know your baby weights! - Thank you.
Jarvis! Here's your question from me, here.
Hello Jarvis! Are you all right? Good! Ulrika Jonsson made 3 months of malicious phone calls anonymously, to a neighbour before she was eventually caught.
Sounds quite feasible to me.
D'you say it true? No, I said 'feasible', but that's what it means.
- Not quite the same, though.
- Showing off What is it? True or false? Are you saying 'true'? - True! I'm saying 'true'! - True! - It IS true! - It is true! - Yes she did! You did, didn't you? - You did! I was only Ten.
You haven't got his phone number, have you? Ulrika.
Illegal immigrant that you are.
I presume for the future, you'd like a world without border controls? - A just jube.
- Ulrika, I'm just joshin'.
Queen Elizabeth the first was petrified of roses.
True or false? True or false? - True or false? True or false? - True, or false! True or false? It's got to be true.
It IS true! - Wow! - It IS true.
It's true, yeah.
Well done, Ulrika! Can you imagine, Ulrika? Can you imagine anyone being scared of roses, eh? Can you imagine Mark! Your question.
Put your crossword down and answer this one! True or false, Mark? Hugh Grant, on the wedding anniversary of his marriage to Barbara Windsor, celebrates by shooting a red-hot fire ball from his eyebrow! It's a stupid question, I can't be bothered to answer it, - 'cause it's a stupid question.
- Fair enough! No, I'm with you there, Mark.
- That is stupid - It is stupid, I apologise.
- Sorry.
- He is a bit bitter, ain't he? He is, isn't he? I think he fancies you, Carol, 'cause he's been all coy, Mark.
Do you think? Nooooooooaaaaaaahhhhh.
True or false? I think we will probably get to it, it's here somewhere.
Her it is.
Elderly actress Joan Collins, suffers from Allinson's disease, which means she occasionally forms a crusty bread-like skin while sunbathing.
True or false? False.
False? It IS false! Why, that would be crazy! Well done, Noah! You could have dressed up a bit, like, Noah.
Sorry guys.
Everyone's wearing jackets, I gotta be different.
- Well, you are! - You ARE different (!) Carol! True or false? True or false! And I'll ask you this question in this style! 'Cause I want that to be ridiculous for a minute.
Carol, true or false? David Soul worked as a singer in New York, in the mid 60's, with a paper bag over his head.
- True or false? - I'd say that's true.
- It IS true! - Yeah! The application of mathematics to the question of David Soul and his career, and that mate, takes us to the end of the True or False round.
George Dawes, what are the scores? Both teams have got three points! Three points! Come on, Ulrika.
- Come on.
- Come on.
Pick it up! Beat the greaseball.
Beat the greaseball.
Beat the greaseball tonight.
Yeah! Carol! You look like a hundred dollars! - Vic - What? Vic, that's 65 quid! - Serious? - Yes, serious.
I'm sorry Well, let's move on now to the clips round.
That's right, the clips round.
We're gonna show each team a clip, and ask you a question on it.
First clip is for you, Team A.
Take a look at your monitors.
Hey! What you think you're playing at? Come here! That's no way to cross the road, is it? Come over here, I'll show you a safe place to cross.
Now, here there's no parked cars to block the view.
Off you go! And straight across, mind! Take it from me Team A That was Kevin Keegan.
- Was it? - Yep.
Well, that's a good start, Carol.
Yes, I think We'll concentrate on Mark and Jarvis, there.
What was Kevin Keegan's Top 40 Hit? - Oh, erm - What was it called? - He's smug of himself.
- Erm, "Head of over heals".
- Is that the video for it? - Jarvis, you have it! Well done! And that was a little bit of it, we heard there.
Team B, take a look at this clip! Very nice too! - It's a Gasbun isn't it? - Of course.
Absolutely silent.
Plenty of room for everything you want! Mmmm.
Una Stubbs, there.
Could you tell me what happened next? I bet - Heat the boat - No, no, no.
Listen, listen.
I bet I bet Una Stubbs farts.
- What!? - Well, it's a long shot, Ulrika! Is that your answer!? It is, isn't it? Huh? No, if you where going there You're the captain.
Let's go with it! Lets Well, let's go with it.
It sounds Ridiculous, but let's have a look and see what happens.
Plenty of room for everything you want! - Oh, yes! - Very good! How on Earth did you get that? Is that what happens to you when you get stuff out of the fridge? I'm gonna take a little break now, and I'm gonna be enjoying eating a bit of tinfoil, there I'm just gonna eat it.
And then I'll finish of with some cotton wool ball.
And, last, I'm doing the I'll just scratch the fingers down the blackboard.
Now, of course, that was a really stupid thing.
- A very foolish thing to eat, cotton.
- Carol, dear! - Yeah? - Um, I hardly knew you, I've only known you for about, what, 20-30 minutes.
But you're a right looker, aren't ya? And I I just wondered if you fancied marrying me? I've got a ring, and that Well, actually, I hate to break it to you, but All right.
Well, do think about it.
- Actually, I've been married.
Twice.
- Oh, are you married now? - I am married now, yeah, so - All right, forget it, love! - What where you doing!? - Eh? - Are you - I was asking Carol to marry me! - You've already got a girlfriend! - Eh? You told me you had a girlfriend, but she's She said you where inadequate.
No, Vic, I've got a girlfriend in Harrogate.
Right, well after that little debacle, it takes us up to the Impressions Round.
That's right! Myself and Vic will do impressions of popular celebrities, and you have to guess who it is we're doing.
Now, it's an open round, so we really wanna see those fingers! - We really wanna see those fingers! - We really wanna see those fingers! - Let's see those fingers! - We want desperately want to see those fingers, especially from you, Martin Clunes! Yes, we are.
And tell me Fingers on those buzzers.
Who is this? "Okay, let's take a look in the bore kitchen!" It's a Jonsson.
Lloyd Grossman - Well done! - Thank you! And there he is.
Okay, could you tell me? And this is a song.
Who is this? Carol! Vera Lynn.
Very close, but incorrect.
Huntley! Those Celestine that did an album.
The Why did we get a new-ager on? Mark Lamarr.
Morrissey.
Oh, forget it.
You may as well have a go, Cockely.
- Oh, erm.
The Big O, Roy Orbison.
- Yes! - Well done! - Well done, Jarvis! The Big O! The Big O! Now, for the next impression, Mr.
Vic Reeves is gonna sing a song in the club style.
And you must guess what is the name of the song.
So, if you're ready? George! Huntley! - It's those Celestine monks, again! - No! Lamarr! - Get down.
- Get down! Well done.
By Robert O'Sullivan.
If we can, let's hear how that should be sung properly.
Thank you! That is how it should be, properly.
- Thank you, George! - Thank you! Jarvis! You're a proper pop singer, you don't know how to sing that song properly, do you? Is there any chance? "I told you once before, but I won't tell you no more, so get down, get down" That's the one! So clear! So clear! Well, it's that time of the evening where I adopt the position of Sandi Toksvig.
And I ask the contestants if they would like to do an impression of their own? So, random factor.
Weave your spell! Vorderman! Okay, this is my heroine, all right? - Is it? - Aye! My heroine, right? "Well, y'know, Dick? Right, you called Bob inadequate earlier?" "Well, I can tell you, he's not, 'cause I've had him.
" "I've had him! And I've had YOU, once more!" Wha? Wha? Clunes! It's Carol Vorderman from "Tomorrow's World"! Who was it? Pauline Calf! - Ah! - Oh, yeah! Evil spell, random factors, spread your way through this pool of mire shite! Huntley! "Bill, there's a bomb on the bus!" Excellent! - Clunes! - Keanu Reeves.
- Very good! - Is that like him? - It was Keanu Reeves, yeah.
- Wow! Random factor, like a tractor, find where you where laid.
Cocker! Cocker! Cocker! "Wow! What's that, you there? On top of that really high building?" - It's Jimmy Saville! - Yes! That's the end of that round, and that was a right load of fun, wasn't it? So, let's go straight over to George Dawes, and say: What are the scores, George Dawes? Mark Lamarr's got six, and Ulrika Jonsson's got five points.
- Oh, no! - Come on, Ulrika! Come on! Raise your knees! Pick up the pieces, because that takes us to the Dove from Above round.
Yes, where we require you, you gorgeous celebrities to beckon down the Dove by cooing.
Come on, let's coo! The magnificent, - Dove from Above.
- from Above.
Isn't she beautiful? Isn't she wonderful? Yes, the Dove from Above.
Now, written on the side of the dove, you'll see categories of questions, and we're gonna ask you each to select one of those categories, and ask a question Answer a question on it, okay? Okay? Is that okay? That okay? Hope its okay.
Now, hidden behind one of those categories is a very special price, and if you should choose it, you'll hear this noise: Eranu! Now, if you should answer a question incorrectly, you'll here THIS noise: Ovavu! So, for a special price, it's: Eranu! And for an incorrect answer, it's: Ovavu! The first choice falls to you, Uuulllllllllll rikaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Yes! Ulrika, choose yourself a category! Um Oh, God! It's tricky, innit? Which ones are causing you trouble? - Homes, can I have 'Homes'? - 'Homes', it shall be, then! Homes.
Ulrika, who lives at 1313 Mockingbird Lane? - Shut it! - SHUT YOUR MOUTH, LAMARR!!! - What was that!? - I He's really - Alright, that's it! - Right.
Get out, Mark! Get out! No, I known the answer.
That's the What's the point of having a game if someone knows the answer, - you won't let them answer it? - 'Cause games have rules! And the rules of the Yes! Look, you've made him come live! Look what you've done! I'm getting warmed up! Vic! Right.
Ulrika? One, three 1313 Mockingbird Lane? - Is it The Munsters? - It is! Well done! - I just needed time! - Yes! And someone to give you the answer! - No! - Yes.
- I needed time.
- Get her some time and Yes.
Jarvis Cocker, select a category.
Um I'll have 'Faces', please! - Faces.
- Faces! Take a look, Jarvis, at these faces and link them the lookie likies.
Can you link them? The The top Top left Yes? with the middle bottom right.
Oh, well that's Martin and E.
T.
And, um - Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen and John Craven.
- Yes? And then Clive James and Is that Francis Russell? Well done! Very good, indeed! - Excellent! - Excellent! - Excellent! - Excellent! I see Carol laughing there, in a rather cocky manner.
Because we've got a lookie likey for YOU Carol, take a look at your screen.
It's Jeff Goldblum! And that's not the only lookie likey we've got, you cocky swines, take a look at this! - Oh, Jarvis! - There, you see, Jarvis? - Noah! - Yeah? - Pick a category.
- How.
Just look at it, and pick one.
- How.
- Oh, sorry! Name the four original presenters of 'How'.
I know!!! Oooooohhhh!!! Right, Carol, but it's not your turn! Come on, you never whine about her! If all I know, I keep going Oi! Vordeman! Shut it!!! Is Is one of them a guy? Ovavu! Ovavu, yes! I thought that was happening Now then, Carol? - Jack Hargreaves.
- One! - The wonderful Fred Dinenage.
- Two! - Still on it! - He is, yes.
Well done.
Yes.
- Jon Miller, the scientist.
- Jon Miller.
The scientist.
- And - And? - Bunty James.
- Bunty James! - Very good, indeed! - Sorry, what? Lightning up slightly, after he's finished his crossword puzzle.
Now, Mark? Pick a category! Bald.
Pardon? Bald.
Oh, bald.
Yes, here it is, there it is, Vic.
Bald, yes! Who replaced Richard O'Brian as the host of 'The Crystal Maze'? Eddie Tenpole.
Tudor Eddie Yes, I'll give you that one! - You've been given one, well done Mark! - Well done! Mark, you know, you could be quite good, if you pard yourself to it! No, you could be! Well, that brings us to the end of the Dove from Above round.
So let's ask George Dawes: 'What are the scores?' Oh, I may be fat, but I'm not as fat as your mother! Oh, I will go out with this lark! Now, scores.
Mark has Lamarr's got 11, Ulrika's got a lot of catching up to do, - she's only got 6! - No! That's rubbish! The baby never lies! - BABY NEVER LIES!!! - Exactly! Fear the baby.
Because he never lies.
You're bad on luck.
Well, you haven't lost yet, because we haven't finished, - we've got the Quick fire Round! - That's right.
Now, we're against the clock, here's quick fire questions, we don't know how much time we've got, the time's up when you hear this noise: That's right, so let's go! Who played Gordon Brittas in 'The Brittas Empire'? - Clunes! - Chris Barrie.
- Chris Barrie.
- Correct answer! - Seven points.
- No! Liz Hurley signed a modelling contract for wh I got there! Ha ha! - Come on! - Estée Lauder! Euuuuuuuurikaaaaaa!!! Port Port Portishead came from which West Country city? - Clunes.
- Bristol! Correct! Morecambe and Wise, Hale and Pace, Little and? - Lamarr! - Large.
No, Little and Big Hand.
Name a hairy dog! - Johnsson! - A Boston terrier.
I'm sorry, it was an Alsatian.
Who was the first actor to play 'Doctor Who' on television? Huntley.
- Quite right.
- Cocker! Ehm, William Hartnall.
Hartnell? Yes it was, correct answer.
Nice one! What was the name of Dorothy's dog in 'The Wizard of Oz'? - Lamarr.
- Toto.
'Toto' is correct.
ONE Flew over the Cuckoo's nest, two Shush! Two's Company, Three Musketeers, Four? - Ulrika.
- For me? No, it was - Cocker! - Four fat ladies! Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
No, I'm sorry, it was four NO, SHUT IT!!! - It was Fortnum & Mason's front department.
- Yes! What are the first names - For the final time, Vic - Yes! George Dawes, what are the scores? I didn't do any up, they said there'd be no doubt about that! And Ulrika Johnsson finished on 10 points, but the winner this week, is Mark Lamarr, with 13 points! Well done, indeed! It's not fixed.
Well done! Well done, Mark! Well done, Mark Lamarr's team, Carol and Jarvis.
Well done, indeed.
I think I can say: On the behalf of all of us, we're very thrilled.
I'll bet you are! Sadly, Ulrika, you didn't win.
But, nobody goes away from THIS quiz, open handed, as you've won tonight's consolation price: these magnificent wrought iron gates! Yep! One of those, each for you to take home! Ain't that fantastic? Now it can be wrought iron day, 370 days of the year.
That's right.
Because, if you look through these gates, you can ad an additional five days to your normal calendar year! That's right! That's how special they are.
And there's one each, by the way.
But Ehrm, Mark? You've won tonight You've won tonight, Mark Who out of your team, is gonna take the, ehrm Fruit Drop Challenge? I think I'll do it.
So Mark, I'd like you to join me and take: The Fruit Drop Challenge! Here he is! And, just over here, you'll se my companion relaxing against this step ladder.
- Now, this is Bob Mortimer! - Hello, Mark! He's gonna tell you all about it.
Hello, Mark.
Yes, The Fruit Drop Challenge.
You're more than welcome to it, if you'd just like to position yourself there, all right? Now what we're gonna be doing in The Fruit Drop Challenge, is to give you the chance to win an additional 50 pounds.
Right? We're gonna drop increasingly weighty fruits on your head.
Right? For each weight you take we give you more money.
I've got a protective helmet for you there, if you'd like to put that on, Mark? That's great.
Actually, Mark, I'm only joking.
We're gonna give you proper protection.
In the form this blue crash helmet.
You like to slip that on while I explain.
Mr.
Vic Reeves is up there, ready to drop the fruit I'm gonna select increasingly weighty fruits, we drop them on your head, the more fruits you take, the more money you win! And I know, you like money! Don't you, Mark? Right.
Let's start then, Vic.
Are you all right up there? Yes, I'm ok The air's a bit thin What, d'you want an oxygen mask, or something? No, but your HAIR's a bit thin.
Okay! I'm gonna ignore that.
Are you ready, Mark? The first fruit, Mark, I offer you is the grape.
Will you take the grape? Okay! Vic, he's taking the grape.
Here we go, with the grape! - You all right? Are you all right? - Easy! Are you gonna go to level two? That's fine! Vic, you make the choice: Grapefruit or orange? I'll take the orange! Sorry, I keep thinking it was dried fashion.
No, it's difficult, it is difficult, and it's born of fear.
It's born of fear.
Yeah, go on! Give us the orange! It's the orange! Will you take the orange? - Oh, yes, he's taking the orange.
- Here we go! Are you okay? You okay? He's okay! Give us a tougher one! The melon.
You gonna take the melon, Mark? He's gonna take the melon! - Here's the melon, are you ready? - All the best, Mark.
You all right? All right? Just think of that lovely lolly! You gonna take the pineapple, Mark? He's gonna take the pineapple! Here's the pineapple! I'm ready to receive, and here it goes, ready? I'm gonna drop! Mark? You might If you hold the helmet, just under its slits, there.
Is he all right? He's not getting nauseous? He's fine! He's fine.
Are you ready to go for the big one, Mark? It's a VERY big fruit.
- But it's 50 pounds.
- Is he gonna take it? - He's gonna take it.
He's taking it.
- Okay, good! Here we are, it's the watermelon.
Go on, Mark.
You can do it! 50 pounds! Are you ready? Here it goes! Oh, dear! Are you all right, Mark? There he is! And in falling down, he's lost ALL his winnings! No money, no money! Come along everybody! Join in! Down here! Unlucky, Mark.
Unlucky! Goodbye from Shooting Stars.
Goodbye to all of you stars! Ulrika's defeated, you don't want to meet it, so come along and let's start Shooting Stars!
He's gonna be keeping the scores tonight.
- With a bit of luck.
- And During the quiz, you might hear this noise Don't worry.
It's just Carol's mind mulling on with a new sum.
A brand new sum, she A new, exciting sum.
All the best luck, that, Carol! Now yes, the rules are quite simple Yeah, hah hah hah The rules are quite simple in Shooting Stars.
There's open rounds, team rounds, and individual rounds.
And on those open rounds, - we really wanna see those fingers! - we really wanna see those fingers! - We really wanna see those fingers! - We really wanna see those fingers! Let's see those fingers moving! Jarvis, have you got fingers? Well, move 'em! That is a HUGE finger! - Wow! - Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Jarvis, I love your record.
You know, I you liked it so much, I taped it off the radio.
Cheers! Vic, you tape them all off the radio.
I do, I say that to all the pop stars.
Well, it proves to be a very exciting quiz - Vic, Vic - Tonight, we Hold on, hold your horses.
Just something I wanna do, if you don't mind? - What? - Just be Hold on, - excuse me.
- What are you doing? Ulrika? You know, been working with you these past few weeks, and I've kind of fallen in love with you.
Look, I mean, I know you're not much to look at, but You've really grown on me, and I just wondered if you'd marry me? I've got the ring, and everything.
- Would you? - Well Despite the glint in your eye, I am afraid Oh, go on, love! Go on On this occasion, I have to say, I've already entered into the marital contract with somebody else.
Oh, right.
Fair enough! - What where you doing!? - Sorry about that! What where you doing? Vic, I apologise for the interruption, it's the True or False round.
- Is something true or false? True, or - What where you doing? Oh, I was just asking Ulrika to marry me.
Is it true or false? And the first question is for you, Clunesie! If you don't mind me calling you Cluensie? True or false, Cluensie? Sidney Poitier weighed a third of an ounce at birth.
True or false? False.
It IS false.
It was actually a massive three pounds! - Well done, Martin! - Thank you.
- You know your baby weights! - Thank you.
Jarvis! Here's your question from me, here.
Hello Jarvis! Are you all right? Good! Ulrika Jonsson made 3 months of malicious phone calls anonymously, to a neighbour before she was eventually caught.
Sounds quite feasible to me.
D'you say it true? No, I said 'feasible', but that's what it means.
- Not quite the same, though.
- Showing off What is it? True or false? Are you saying 'true'? - True! I'm saying 'true'! - True! - It IS true! - It is true! - Yes she did! You did, didn't you? - You did! I was only Ten.
You haven't got his phone number, have you? Ulrika.
Illegal immigrant that you are.
I presume for the future, you'd like a world without border controls? - A just jube.
- Ulrika, I'm just joshin'.
Queen Elizabeth the first was petrified of roses.
True or false? True or false? - True or false? True or false? - True, or false! True or false? It's got to be true.
It IS true! - Wow! - It IS true.
It's true, yeah.
Well done, Ulrika! Can you imagine, Ulrika? Can you imagine anyone being scared of roses, eh? Can you imagine Mark! Your question.
Put your crossword down and answer this one! True or false, Mark? Hugh Grant, on the wedding anniversary of his marriage to Barbara Windsor, celebrates by shooting a red-hot fire ball from his eyebrow! It's a stupid question, I can't be bothered to answer it, - 'cause it's a stupid question.
- Fair enough! No, I'm with you there, Mark.
- That is stupid - It is stupid, I apologise.
- Sorry.
- He is a bit bitter, ain't he? He is, isn't he? I think he fancies you, Carol, 'cause he's been all coy, Mark.
Do you think? Nooooooooaaaaaaahhhhh.
True or false? I think we will probably get to it, it's here somewhere.
Her it is.
Elderly actress Joan Collins, suffers from Allinson's disease, which means she occasionally forms a crusty bread-like skin while sunbathing.
True or false? False.
False? It IS false! Why, that would be crazy! Well done, Noah! You could have dressed up a bit, like, Noah.
Sorry guys.
Everyone's wearing jackets, I gotta be different.
- Well, you are! - You ARE different (!) Carol! True or false? True or false! And I'll ask you this question in this style! 'Cause I want that to be ridiculous for a minute.
Carol, true or false? David Soul worked as a singer in New York, in the mid 60's, with a paper bag over his head.
- True or false? - I'd say that's true.
- It IS true! - Yeah! The application of mathematics to the question of David Soul and his career, and that mate, takes us to the end of the True or False round.
George Dawes, what are the scores? Both teams have got three points! Three points! Come on, Ulrika.
- Come on.
- Come on.
Pick it up! Beat the greaseball.
Beat the greaseball.
Beat the greaseball tonight.
Yeah! Carol! You look like a hundred dollars! - Vic - What? Vic, that's 65 quid! - Serious? - Yes, serious.
I'm sorry Well, let's move on now to the clips round.
That's right, the clips round.
We're gonna show each team a clip, and ask you a question on it.
First clip is for you, Team A.
Take a look at your monitors.
Hey! What you think you're playing at? Come here! That's no way to cross the road, is it? Come over here, I'll show you a safe place to cross.
Now, here there's no parked cars to block the view.
Off you go! And straight across, mind! Take it from me Team A That was Kevin Keegan.
- Was it? - Yep.
Well, that's a good start, Carol.
Yes, I think We'll concentrate on Mark and Jarvis, there.
What was Kevin Keegan's Top 40 Hit? - Oh, erm - What was it called? - He's smug of himself.
- Erm, "Head of over heals".
- Is that the video for it? - Jarvis, you have it! Well done! And that was a little bit of it, we heard there.
Team B, take a look at this clip! Very nice too! - It's a Gasbun isn't it? - Of course.
Absolutely silent.
Plenty of room for everything you want! Mmmm.
Una Stubbs, there.
Could you tell me what happened next? I bet - Heat the boat - No, no, no.
Listen, listen.
I bet I bet Una Stubbs farts.
- What!? - Well, it's a long shot, Ulrika! Is that your answer!? It is, isn't it? Huh? No, if you where going there You're the captain.
Let's go with it! Lets Well, let's go with it.
It sounds Ridiculous, but let's have a look and see what happens.
Plenty of room for everything you want! - Oh, yes! - Very good! How on Earth did you get that? Is that what happens to you when you get stuff out of the fridge? I'm gonna take a little break now, and I'm gonna be enjoying eating a bit of tinfoil, there I'm just gonna eat it.
And then I'll finish of with some cotton wool ball.
And, last, I'm doing the I'll just scratch the fingers down the blackboard.
Now, of course, that was a really stupid thing.
- A very foolish thing to eat, cotton.
- Carol, dear! - Yeah? - Um, I hardly knew you, I've only known you for about, what, 20-30 minutes.
But you're a right looker, aren't ya? And I I just wondered if you fancied marrying me? I've got a ring, and that Well, actually, I hate to break it to you, but All right.
Well, do think about it.
- Actually, I've been married.
Twice.
- Oh, are you married now? - I am married now, yeah, so - All right, forget it, love! - What where you doing!? - Eh? - Are you - I was asking Carol to marry me! - You've already got a girlfriend! - Eh? You told me you had a girlfriend, but she's She said you where inadequate.
No, Vic, I've got a girlfriend in Harrogate.
Right, well after that little debacle, it takes us up to the Impressions Round.
That's right! Myself and Vic will do impressions of popular celebrities, and you have to guess who it is we're doing.
Now, it's an open round, so we really wanna see those fingers! - We really wanna see those fingers! - We really wanna see those fingers! - Let's see those fingers! - We want desperately want to see those fingers, especially from you, Martin Clunes! Yes, we are.
And tell me Fingers on those buzzers.
Who is this? "Okay, let's take a look in the bore kitchen!" It's a Jonsson.
Lloyd Grossman - Well done! - Thank you! And there he is.
Okay, could you tell me? And this is a song.
Who is this? Carol! Vera Lynn.
Very close, but incorrect.
Huntley! Those Celestine that did an album.
The Why did we get a new-ager on? Mark Lamarr.
Morrissey.
Oh, forget it.
You may as well have a go, Cockely.
- Oh, erm.
The Big O, Roy Orbison.
- Yes! - Well done! - Well done, Jarvis! The Big O! The Big O! Now, for the next impression, Mr.
Vic Reeves is gonna sing a song in the club style.
And you must guess what is the name of the song.
So, if you're ready? George! Huntley! - It's those Celestine monks, again! - No! Lamarr! - Get down.
- Get down! Well done.
By Robert O'Sullivan.
If we can, let's hear how that should be sung properly.
Thank you! That is how it should be, properly.
- Thank you, George! - Thank you! Jarvis! You're a proper pop singer, you don't know how to sing that song properly, do you? Is there any chance? "I told you once before, but I won't tell you no more, so get down, get down" That's the one! So clear! So clear! Well, it's that time of the evening where I adopt the position of Sandi Toksvig.
And I ask the contestants if they would like to do an impression of their own? So, random factor.
Weave your spell! Vorderman! Okay, this is my heroine, all right? - Is it? - Aye! My heroine, right? "Well, y'know, Dick? Right, you called Bob inadequate earlier?" "Well, I can tell you, he's not, 'cause I've had him.
" "I've had him! And I've had YOU, once more!" Wha? Wha? Clunes! It's Carol Vorderman from "Tomorrow's World"! Who was it? Pauline Calf! - Ah! - Oh, yeah! Evil spell, random factors, spread your way through this pool of mire shite! Huntley! "Bill, there's a bomb on the bus!" Excellent! - Clunes! - Keanu Reeves.
- Very good! - Is that like him? - It was Keanu Reeves, yeah.
- Wow! Random factor, like a tractor, find where you where laid.
Cocker! Cocker! Cocker! "Wow! What's that, you there? On top of that really high building?" - It's Jimmy Saville! - Yes! That's the end of that round, and that was a right load of fun, wasn't it? So, let's go straight over to George Dawes, and say: What are the scores, George Dawes? Mark Lamarr's got six, and Ulrika Jonsson's got five points.
- Oh, no! - Come on, Ulrika! Come on! Raise your knees! Pick up the pieces, because that takes us to the Dove from Above round.
Yes, where we require you, you gorgeous celebrities to beckon down the Dove by cooing.
Come on, let's coo! The magnificent, - Dove from Above.
- from Above.
Isn't she beautiful? Isn't she wonderful? Yes, the Dove from Above.
Now, written on the side of the dove, you'll see categories of questions, and we're gonna ask you each to select one of those categories, and ask a question Answer a question on it, okay? Okay? Is that okay? That okay? Hope its okay.
Now, hidden behind one of those categories is a very special price, and if you should choose it, you'll hear this noise: Eranu! Now, if you should answer a question incorrectly, you'll here THIS noise: Ovavu! So, for a special price, it's: Eranu! And for an incorrect answer, it's: Ovavu! The first choice falls to you, Uuulllllllllll rikaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Yes! Ulrika, choose yourself a category! Um Oh, God! It's tricky, innit? Which ones are causing you trouble? - Homes, can I have 'Homes'? - 'Homes', it shall be, then! Homes.
Ulrika, who lives at 1313 Mockingbird Lane? - Shut it! - SHUT YOUR MOUTH, LAMARR!!! - What was that!? - I He's really - Alright, that's it! - Right.
Get out, Mark! Get out! No, I known the answer.
That's the What's the point of having a game if someone knows the answer, - you won't let them answer it? - 'Cause games have rules! And the rules of the Yes! Look, you've made him come live! Look what you've done! I'm getting warmed up! Vic! Right.
Ulrika? One, three 1313 Mockingbird Lane? - Is it The Munsters? - It is! Well done! - I just needed time! - Yes! And someone to give you the answer! - No! - Yes.
- I needed time.
- Get her some time and Yes.
Jarvis Cocker, select a category.
Um I'll have 'Faces', please! - Faces.
- Faces! Take a look, Jarvis, at these faces and link them the lookie likies.
Can you link them? The The top Top left Yes? with the middle bottom right.
Oh, well that's Martin and E.
T.
And, um - Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen and John Craven.
- Yes? And then Clive James and Is that Francis Russell? Well done! Very good, indeed! - Excellent! - Excellent! - Excellent! - Excellent! I see Carol laughing there, in a rather cocky manner.
Because we've got a lookie likey for YOU Carol, take a look at your screen.
It's Jeff Goldblum! And that's not the only lookie likey we've got, you cocky swines, take a look at this! - Oh, Jarvis! - There, you see, Jarvis? - Noah! - Yeah? - Pick a category.
- How.
Just look at it, and pick one.
- How.
- Oh, sorry! Name the four original presenters of 'How'.
I know!!! Oooooohhhh!!! Right, Carol, but it's not your turn! Come on, you never whine about her! If all I know, I keep going Oi! Vordeman! Shut it!!! Is Is one of them a guy? Ovavu! Ovavu, yes! I thought that was happening Now then, Carol? - Jack Hargreaves.
- One! - The wonderful Fred Dinenage.
- Two! - Still on it! - He is, yes.
Well done.
Yes.
- Jon Miller, the scientist.
- Jon Miller.
The scientist.
- And - And? - Bunty James.
- Bunty James! - Very good, indeed! - Sorry, what? Lightning up slightly, after he's finished his crossword puzzle.
Now, Mark? Pick a category! Bald.
Pardon? Bald.
Oh, bald.
Yes, here it is, there it is, Vic.
Bald, yes! Who replaced Richard O'Brian as the host of 'The Crystal Maze'? Eddie Tenpole.
Tudor Eddie Yes, I'll give you that one! - You've been given one, well done Mark! - Well done! Mark, you know, you could be quite good, if you pard yourself to it! No, you could be! Well, that brings us to the end of the Dove from Above round.
So let's ask George Dawes: 'What are the scores?' Oh, I may be fat, but I'm not as fat as your mother! Oh, I will go out with this lark! Now, scores.
Mark has Lamarr's got 11, Ulrika's got a lot of catching up to do, - she's only got 6! - No! That's rubbish! The baby never lies! - BABY NEVER LIES!!! - Exactly! Fear the baby.
Because he never lies.
You're bad on luck.
Well, you haven't lost yet, because we haven't finished, - we've got the Quick fire Round! - That's right.
Now, we're against the clock, here's quick fire questions, we don't know how much time we've got, the time's up when you hear this noise: That's right, so let's go! Who played Gordon Brittas in 'The Brittas Empire'? - Clunes! - Chris Barrie.
- Chris Barrie.
- Correct answer! - Seven points.
- No! Liz Hurley signed a modelling contract for wh I got there! Ha ha! - Come on! - Estée Lauder! Euuuuuuuurikaaaaaa!!! Port Port Portishead came from which West Country city? - Clunes.
- Bristol! Correct! Morecambe and Wise, Hale and Pace, Little and? - Lamarr! - Large.
No, Little and Big Hand.
Name a hairy dog! - Johnsson! - A Boston terrier.
I'm sorry, it was an Alsatian.
Who was the first actor to play 'Doctor Who' on television? Huntley.
- Quite right.
- Cocker! Ehm, William Hartnall.
Hartnell? Yes it was, correct answer.
Nice one! What was the name of Dorothy's dog in 'The Wizard of Oz'? - Lamarr.
- Toto.
'Toto' is correct.
ONE Flew over the Cuckoo's nest, two Shush! Two's Company, Three Musketeers, Four? - Ulrika.
- For me? No, it was - Cocker! - Four fat ladies! Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
No, I'm sorry, it was four NO, SHUT IT!!! - It was Fortnum & Mason's front department.
- Yes! What are the first names - For the final time, Vic - Yes! George Dawes, what are the scores? I didn't do any up, they said there'd be no doubt about that! And Ulrika Johnsson finished on 10 points, but the winner this week, is Mark Lamarr, with 13 points! Well done, indeed! It's not fixed.
Well done! Well done, Mark! Well done, Mark Lamarr's team, Carol and Jarvis.
Well done, indeed.
I think I can say: On the behalf of all of us, we're very thrilled.
I'll bet you are! Sadly, Ulrika, you didn't win.
But, nobody goes away from THIS quiz, open handed, as you've won tonight's consolation price: these magnificent wrought iron gates! Yep! One of those, each for you to take home! Ain't that fantastic? Now it can be wrought iron day, 370 days of the year.
That's right.
Because, if you look through these gates, you can ad an additional five days to your normal calendar year! That's right! That's how special they are.
And there's one each, by the way.
But Ehrm, Mark? You've won tonight You've won tonight, Mark Who out of your team, is gonna take the, ehrm Fruit Drop Challenge? I think I'll do it.
So Mark, I'd like you to join me and take: The Fruit Drop Challenge! Here he is! And, just over here, you'll se my companion relaxing against this step ladder.
- Now, this is Bob Mortimer! - Hello, Mark! He's gonna tell you all about it.
Hello, Mark.
Yes, The Fruit Drop Challenge.
You're more than welcome to it, if you'd just like to position yourself there, all right? Now what we're gonna be doing in The Fruit Drop Challenge, is to give you the chance to win an additional 50 pounds.
Right? We're gonna drop increasingly weighty fruits on your head.
Right? For each weight you take we give you more money.
I've got a protective helmet for you there, if you'd like to put that on, Mark? That's great.
Actually, Mark, I'm only joking.
We're gonna give you proper protection.
In the form this blue crash helmet.
You like to slip that on while I explain.
Mr.
Vic Reeves is up there, ready to drop the fruit I'm gonna select increasingly weighty fruits, we drop them on your head, the more fruits you take, the more money you win! And I know, you like money! Don't you, Mark? Right.
Let's start then, Vic.
Are you all right up there? Yes, I'm ok The air's a bit thin What, d'you want an oxygen mask, or something? No, but your HAIR's a bit thin.
Okay! I'm gonna ignore that.
Are you ready, Mark? The first fruit, Mark, I offer you is the grape.
Will you take the grape? Okay! Vic, he's taking the grape.
Here we go, with the grape! - You all right? Are you all right? - Easy! Are you gonna go to level two? That's fine! Vic, you make the choice: Grapefruit or orange? I'll take the orange! Sorry, I keep thinking it was dried fashion.
No, it's difficult, it is difficult, and it's born of fear.
It's born of fear.
Yeah, go on! Give us the orange! It's the orange! Will you take the orange? - Oh, yes, he's taking the orange.
- Here we go! Are you okay? You okay? He's okay! Give us a tougher one! The melon.
You gonna take the melon, Mark? He's gonna take the melon! - Here's the melon, are you ready? - All the best, Mark.
You all right? All right? Just think of that lovely lolly! You gonna take the pineapple, Mark? He's gonna take the pineapple! Here's the pineapple! I'm ready to receive, and here it goes, ready? I'm gonna drop! Mark? You might If you hold the helmet, just under its slits, there.
Is he all right? He's not getting nauseous? He's fine! He's fine.
Are you ready to go for the big one, Mark? It's a VERY big fruit.
- But it's 50 pounds.
- Is he gonna take it? - He's gonna take it.
He's taking it.
- Okay, good! Here we are, it's the watermelon.
Go on, Mark.
You can do it! 50 pounds! Are you ready? Here it goes! Oh, dear! Are you all right, Mark? There he is! And in falling down, he's lost ALL his winnings! No money, no money! Come along everybody! Join in! Down here! Unlucky, Mark.
Unlucky! Goodbye from Shooting Stars.
Goodbye to all of you stars! Ulrika's defeated, you don't want to meet it, so come along and let's start Shooting Stars!