Sick Note (2017) s01e02 Episode Script

1 [piano flourish.]
[on the radio.]
That was Chopin's "Minute Waltz".
Lasts about as long as a Middle-Eastern ceasefire.
The time now is 12:30 p.
m.
, and also time for one of my favorites: Verdi's "La Traviata".
[phone vibrates.]
07 700 900 843.
Dr Iain Glennis speaking? You need to come here now.
Hello, Daniel.
Sorry, uh, I can't.
It's my day off.
Fuck your day off! Something terrible has happened.
Calm Calm down.
- Can you give me a couple of hours? - No! Now! Someone found out about our secret, and now they're dead.
So, you can either stay there and enjoy your last day as a free man, or you can come here and help me fix this situation that could fuck us both.
I'm on my way but but please stop swearing at me.
[phone chimes.]
Daniel Daniel? ["La Traviata" continues to play.]
[80s-style electronic music.]
- He was making love to your girlfriend? - Yes! - He tried to escape out the window.
- You pushed him? - No! He fell! I didn't touch him.
- Yeah, yeah.
He He fell.
He just fell.
Yes, he fell.
I can't find his pulse.
He's not breathing.
Yeah, vital signs can often elude the layman.
Have you moved him? No, he fell holding a newspaper and landed in that chair.
Of course I moved him! You're not supposed to move someone after a fall, you can make their injuries worse.
I imagine there'll be a lot of cranial bruising and bleeding.
- He's dead.
- Oh, fuck! - I'm sorry.
- What do we do? Take him to the hospital? Only if you want to go to prison for murder.
- Murder?! I told you, he slipped.
- Yeah, yeah.
You discover your best friend having an affair with your girlfriend and he suddenly takes a mysterious fall from your window.
He did slip.
- [Daniel.]
We need to move this.
- Yes, yes.
Understood.
But I just want to make it crystal clear this body Shhh! This [quietly.]
This body has got nothing to do with me, OK? Remember when you misdiagnosed me with cancer? You owe me one.
Fine.
Fine.
Um We can dump his body on a quiet road and make it look like he's been run over.
But instead of stopping, the driver has decided to simply drive away.
- You mean a hit-and-run.
- Yeah, or we could try that.
I saw a villain do it once in an episode of Murder, She Wrote.
Did they get away with it? - Oh, no.
No, they went to prison.
- Oh, for fuck's sake.
They went to prison because they didn't have an alibi.
So So, I just pretend I've been in work all day.
Oh, I see.
[he chuckles.]
Right, so, you go back to work and sit behind your desk while muggins here dumps a body on a quiet road.
- That's pretty much it.
- Right, OK.
It was my day off today.
We need to cover the body and we'll take it to my car.
[discordant electronic music.]
[thunder rolls.]
Oh, brilliant.
[phone chimes.]
[they both groan.]
Your friend's big-boned, isn't he? The blanket is to hide the fact we're carrying a body.
Sorry.
This is me.
[thud.]
Sorry.
- Right - Open the boot! - What are you doing? - I'm always losing them.
You must have them, you drove it here! [alarm chirps repeatedly.]
- What's going on? - Oh, it's ever so temperamental.
I'll pull it while you press.
One, two, three.
[alarm chirps.]
One, two [alarm chirps.]
We'll go in through the back seat.
- [they both groan.]
- Yes! [phone chimes.]
"I'm so fucking wet.
" It's been raining.
Just get a towel, then.
- But please stop swearing.
- It's a message.
It's from Becca to Ash, it's his phone.
Oh, right.
Your girlfriend's been sending rude messages to your friend? Yes! - They're sending each other pictures, too.
- Oh, really? What What of? Never mind.
Well, you're going to have to send a message back, so she thinks he's still alive.
Oh, for You're right.
Well, what do I put? Oh, I don't know, um Compliment her on her bottom.
Right.
Dump this by the body.
No Call me from it just before you do.
And if anyone asks, I can say I spoke to him and he seemed fine.
- OK.
- Yeah, the code is 2-0-1-9.
You know your best friend's code? We have the same one, it's Blade Runner.
2019 is the year it's set.
I don't know what Blade Runner is.
I might forget it.
- I'll make it the same as yours.
- I don't have one.
I kept getting locked out.
OK, I'll make it 1-2-3-4.
Think you can remember that? 1-2-3-4? - Yeah.
- OK, I'm going to go now.
Don't f mess it up.
OK, OK.
Uh, remember when you get back to work everything is fine and dandy.
Uh, apart from the fact you have cancer.
[electronic music.]
[Kenny clears his throat.]
Excuse me? Hello? Hello? We'd like to eat some food.
- Certainly, sir.
- I'd like the Bring us a dozen oysters to start, and then let's have the Wagyu beef how do you like your meat cooked? - I don't really eat meat - She'll have hers medium.
I'll have mine blue and bloody.
Now do you think you can handle that? Yes, certainly.
Fucking waiters.
It goes rapists, pedophiles, vegans, Democrats, the shit on the sole on my shoe, and then fucking waiters.
[she chuckles.]
Loads of the Made in Chelsea people come here.
Oh, I love that show.
A bunch of pretty, rich people, all fucking each other.
- [uncomfortably.]
Yeah - Genius.
So, anyway, I know the Stress Thumbs weren't You know, that's all they really do, is they just fuck each other all the time.
Then they fuck each other behind each other's backs, and then they get caught fucking each other it's fabulous.
Right.
So, you know when you're in the shower And they fuck in the shower.
I love fucking in the shower.
- So, when you wash yourself - Mm - the shower gel's all cold, right? - Mm.
That's why I've invented the Shower Gel Warmer.
What? It's a cozy for your shower gel, it makes it warm.
Love it! You know, my shower gel is always freezing ass.
- Really? Oh, wow.
- Yes.
I've already knitted the prototype.
It would be lovely if you gave me a personal demonstration in my shower.
Tonight would be good.
- [she laughs.]
- What? I can't shower in front of my boss, I'd be embarrassed.
[phone rings: "The Star-spangled Banner".]
Mother fuckers! Uh Hmm Where can I dump him? Dump him? [discordant electronic music.]
[Daniel sighs.]
Oh, we were best friends.
- I'm calling the police.
- What? Why? To escort you from the premises for lying to your boss.
That was a joke.
I'm really sorry.
I didn't mean to startle you.
- Why did you say "the police"? - I thought it would be funny.
I'm sorry.
It didn't land.
I'm sorry.
Oh I see.
Well, the Post-It Note said you'd gone and you weren't at your desk, so No, I've been in the toilets for the past few hours, um I was planning on going home but then the sickness passed.
Yeah, sure.
Listen, I understand.
[phone vibrates.]
Do you need to be here? Oh, definitely.
Yeah.
No, no.
Yeah, no, it's taken my mind off it.
[phone vibrates.]
[voicemail.]
You have one new message.
[Becca.]
Hey, baby, I saw the clip online.
I hope you're OK.
I'm thinking about you.
[voicemail.]
To listen again, press one Caring for the sick is what We Cover is all about.
Oh, shit.
[Kenny.]
You fucking asshole! [Kenny.]
What the fuck?! I thought you said they were going to hold this, they were never going to show it.
Get him the fuck in here! [Michael.]
Daniel? Pop in for a quick word? [ominous music.]
[opera on the radio.]
[phone rings.]
- 07 700 - Why are you using my juicing ingredients for your shit paintings? Oh.
You're not meant to see it yet.
It's meant to be a surprise, darling.
Yeah, well, you can surprise the people at the health food shop, by buying some replacements.
That might be a tad tricky, darling, in the middle of something.
Do you remember what happened after dinner with the Corbetts? Of course I do.
- Um, I'll I'll be as quick as I can.
- I'll text you a list.
Just try not to lose your phone before you get to the shop.
I won't, darling.
Annette, I love [silence.]
[opera resumes.]
Annette? Everything all right, Mr.
West? - You bastard! - OK, can we just please calm down? OK? Now, Kenny, Daniel is obviously unaware as to what's happened because he's been in the toilet all morning, being sick.
Well, that's funny.
Because, for the last 30 minutes, I've been forwarded these clips of him being sick on me.
I thought they said they weren't going to release that footage.
Yeah, well, some asshole did.
And a health boss getting puked on? Well [he laughs falsely.]
the irony isn't lost on me.
I am so sorry, Mr.
West, you know, I mean I mean, this is as embarrassing for me as it is for you.
Kenny! Now, I've just received a message from my contact at BBC News.
[excitedly.]
Now, they had no idea that Daniel has cancer! [soberly.]
Daniel has cancer.
And they want to do a follow-up piece, like a human-interest story.
Now, that's everyone sharing a clip that will promote We Cover.
[car horn honks insistently.]
[ominous music.]
[car alarm wails.]
[alarm chirps.]
Be careful around my my car, will you? - Tropical, eh? Fun.
- Yeah.
[car alarm wails.]
Ooh If you spend over £30, you can get a free carob bar.
Uh, no, thanks.
It's a great chocolate substitute and it'll help keep those pounds off.
[suspenseful music.]
Uh [he mutters.]
Stay away from my car.
Would you like any cashback? Sir? [shop attendant screams.]
You just get back in here, right now! [he mutters.]
Little fucking hooligans! [tires screech.]
[phone rings.]
Oh, shit.
Hi, Vanessa.
How's it going? Have I spoken to Ash? Uh, yeah.
He's my best mate.
It would be a bit weird if I'd never spoken to him.
[he laughs nervously.]
Sorry.
Yeah.
No, no, I spoke to him at lunch.
Yeah, I'm at work.
Yeah, it sounded like he was walking along a busy road? Not sure if that rings any bells with you.
Sure.
Yeah, yeah.
If I If I hear from him, I'll call you.
OK.
See See you both soon.
All right.
Bye! [he sighs.]
Fuck.
Hey My dad had days where he couldn't face anything.
Just go home.
Remember, you can do whatever you like.
Hm? [he sighs.]
Yeah.
Yeah, I suppose you're right.
You bet I am.
You could get away with anything.
Speeding, robbing a bank [she laughs.]
Oh! [whispers.]
Even murder.
[she giggles.]
[suspenseful music.]
[siren blares.]
Oh, for Pete's sake! I wasn't over the speed limit, was I, Officer? No, sir, you were driving at 6 mph.
Right, so, what's the what's the problem? Well, just as driving too fast is dangerous, so is driving too slow.
Oh, I did not know that.
- So, you're a doctor? - Yes, indeed I am.
I'm all up to date on my tax, MOT, insurance, etc.
Your rear wheel on the right side is bald.
All right.
Well I will go to a garage right this minute and - Just replace it with your spare.
- The garage, it's five minutes away.
- Look, let me help you.
- [he falters.]
Ah No, no, it's fine, honestly.
I'm sure you have some crimes that you need to solve.
I insist.
I don't want you thinking we're all jobsworths.
Pop the boot.
[phone rings.]
Sir, decline the call and pop the boot.
- Ah, I've connected it by mistake.
- Dr Glennis? Hello? Sorry, Officer, I'm I'm terrible with mobile phones.
Sir, put your phone away and pop the boot.
[phone beeps.]
Uh-oh.
[disconnect tone.]
Let's just get your boot popped and get you on your way.
Hey would you like a drink? Would you like some coconut water? - No, thank you.
- Or some kale? Just throw the keys to me.
Nice throw.
[window shatters.]
Get back here! - What happened? - It was a hooligan.
He went that way! Make sure you get that tire changed, sir.
Shit.
Fuck.
He's going to tell them everything.
I've got to get out of here.
[Kenny.]
Ah, Lanzarote! It's a shithole.
But I can recommend a terrific brothel there.
Although, for £74, I think you'll be lucky to find a guy that will let you suck him off.
Mr.
West, I don't think I can do the interview today.
I'm I'm not really up to it, I don't think, and I think I might even puke.
So, I think I'm just going to head home.
No, you're not.
Come with.
[phone chimes.]
Oh, Lord.
Um [opera.]
Uh [phone chimes.]
[phone beeps.]
Oh, blast.
The batteries on these last as long as a Middle-Eastern ceasefire.
OK [opera builds.]
[alarm chirps.]
Oh, why don't you just bog off?! [alarm chirps.]
[he groans.]
[opera continues with gusto.]
[crunch.]
[Daniel.]
Whoa, whoa, what's happening?! Come on, have a look.
I'm not I'm not comfortable with this.
Open your eyes, shithead.
Have a look.
See? One ball.
You had testicular cancer? Nobody knows.
I went through the whole thing by myself.
I didn't cry like a little pussy, and I ran this fucking company at the same time.
Can you put it away now, please? No, you keep looking at it because this is why you're going to man up and get out there and do that interview.
You pathetic little shit-clot.
Now, you dry up those eyes.
We're doing the interview.
Ten minutes.
[electronic music.]
Oh, shit.
Too high.
[music speeds up.]
[music fades out.]
Is everything OK? Yeah, yeah.
No, no, I'm good, um Just trying to get some you know, fresh air.
OK.
Well, um your doctor's on line one.
Thanks.
Thanks, Michael.
Yeah.
- Oh, could you just Um, yeah.
- Yeah.
Thanks.
Uh, yeah, if you wouldn't mind? You know, it could be of a, you know Yes.
[door closes.]
- What's going on? - Uh, it's done.
I dumped the body.
I thought you'd been arrested! There was a cop asking to look in your boot.
Oh, yes.
Yes.
He was helping me change my rear wheel.
Um, it's sorted.
The plan went to, uh, plan.
[he sighs.]
Oh, thank God.
You were supposed to call me on Ash's phone.
For the alibi.
Yes.
Yes, uh That one ran out of battery too.
These These things last about as long as a Middle-Eastern ceasefire.
[he chuckles.]
Don't they, Daniel? Daniel? Daniel? Uh, are you there? Daniel? - [Daniel sighs.]
- Daniel [quiet chatter.]
[ominous music.]
OK.
I'll play ball.
Was that a joke? Oh! No! No, no, no.
Pity.
It's a good one.
[ticktock.]
[he gags.]
So, Mr.
West, it seems there's a bit more to this story than we initially thought.
Of course, um, Daniel had just received the worst news that a person can possibly receive.
He had been diagnosed with life-threatening cancer.
And we hope that those that are sharing the clip and it is a great clip will think about the story behind the story as they view it.
And, Daniel, how has this affected you? We Cover have been so supportive.
Oh, of course.
Uh, my girlfriend, Becca, you know, she's stood by my side.
And, um my best friend, Ash, he, um I haven't seen him in a couple of days, um but we're planning on meeting up soon.
As it seems like ages since we last saw each other, even though it's only been a couple of days.
[Annette.]
Two hours I waited.
I was so hungry I tried to juice a fucking banana.
And somehow, you still managed to come home with the wrong fucking stuff.
I I know, I know.
I'm sorry.
I mean, how is almond milk the same as coconut water? - Both nuts.
- I beg your pardon? I said, "They are both derived from nuts.
" Please don't.
Annette, please.
[liquid trickles.]
[Will5000 as Vanessa.]
Hi, Daniel, it's Vanessaaa.
I've got bad news about Aaash.
He's died after falling from your bedroom window after fucking your girlfriend.
Yeah, can you can you please be serious? You know, I need to work out how I'm going to react when she calls.
You know, what do I do? Do I cry? Go all quiet? What? Well, how do you feel about it? Uh, I don't know.
He was fucking Becca.
But, you know, he was also my best friend.
Well, just be your usual bullshitty self.
[phone rings.]
- Oh, God.
- What? - Shit, it's Vanessa.
- Oh! Do not quit.
I wanna hear this! Uh, I can't do it.
I can't.
I can't speak to her.
Dude, you have to.
You gotta pretend everything's normal, yeah? I'll call her back.
I I need a minute.
[phone rings.]
Pussy.
Oh, fuck! She's calling again! [Becca.]
Shall I get that for you so you can carry on? - Thanks, yeah.
- Oh, God.
You lucky fucker.
Hi, Vanessa.
Sorry, Daniel's just Oh, my God.
What's What's up? It's Ash.
He's He's been in an accident.
He's - He's in hospital.
- He's dead? No, he's not dead, he's in the hospital.
He was hit by a car.
- He's not dead? - No! He's in surgery! - Oh, my God - Ash is alive? Dude, what the fuck?! [80s-style electronic music.]