Sick of It (2018) s01e02 Episode Script
Episode 2
1 "(CLASSICAL MUSIC)" "The person you are calling knows you are waiting.
Please hold the line.
" "(CLASSICAL MUSIC)" "Your call is important to us.
Please hold the line.
" "The person you are calling knows you are waiting.
Please hold the line.
" "(CLASSICAL MUSIC)" "Your call is important to us.
Please hold -" "Environment and Communities Department.
How can I help you?" Yeah, I'm calling about a noisy neighbour.
"OK, can you give me some details?" Er, yeah, it's been going on for, like four nights.
Erm, not sleeping.
I'm a cab driver so I'm going to work feeling shattered which isn't good, is it? "Uh-huh.
" "And what sort of noise is it?" It's a baby.
"Erm, right.
" "OK, we can't actually do anything about babies as that's classed more as an ordinary domestic noise.
" What are you talking about? "It's a baby, sir.
" Yeah, I know but noise is noise surely.
"If it was loud music or a dog barking, I'd be able to do something but" I-I don't understand though.
Why? "Because it's a baby.
" Yeah, you keep saying that but babies can just do what they want, can they? They've got a different rule book? Loud music is not allowed but if the baby wants loud music, is that all right? It can just do what it wants.
We can't upset the baby.
Jesus, I'm sick of it! '(BABY CRYING)' It's a shame that babies don't come in, like, a vibrate mode like mobiles do.
Let the owners know there's a problem without everyone else having to put up with it.
'(BABY CRIES)' Noisy little bastard.
The mum's got to be deaf.
That's the only explanation, isn't it? Doesn't stop.
I honestly don't know, like, how the human race isn't extinct if babies have always made that racket.
Think about it.
Going back thousands of years when we all lived in caves and you had a baby making that racket.
That's basically like an ice-cream-van chime going off to some sabre-toothed tiger.
"Oh, hello.
Lunch is in there.
Tuck in.
" '(BABY CRIES)' Ridiculous! '(BABY CRIES)' Listen to it.
It's like living next door to fucking Tarzan.
(TOILET FLUSHES) Oh, I'm so glad you're back.
Jesus Christ! What are you doing? Well, I dozed off.
The bulb blew.
I didn't want to try climb out.
I was worried I'd slip.
How long have you been there? Since about eight.
That's, like, three hours ago.
Come on, let's be getting you out.
But no peeking.
Yeah, honestly, I won't be peeking.
I'm not sleeping at night as it is without having a naked image of you in my head.
To the civic centre, yeah? Yeah.
(BABY WHIMPERS) (BABY CRIES) Do you mind if we stop off to pick up a friend? No problem.
(BABY CRIES) Why would anyone want one of them? Have they got an allocation of noise that they've got to let out every day? Why is it so upset? It's OK, Mummy's here.
(BABY SCREAMS) The crying system doesn't work really cos what is wrong with it? Does it need winding? Is it hungry? Has it shat itself? (BABY CRIES) That noise it's making is way over the top for any of those problems.
That sounds like it's found out its family has been wiped out by a tsunami.
It's had the worst news ever.
Here she is, just over there.
Another one's getting in now as well.
Are you all right? How you doing? Yeah, good.
(BABY CRIES) Aw! Grouchy today but good.
How's yours? How long do you think it will be before that one joins in? Place your bets.
(SECOND BABY CRIES) Have they met up to see whose baby can make the most noise or what? I don't know where they get the energy from for it.
It's holding a note longer than Mariah Carey.
Not even breathing.
It's just one continuous How's it doing it? I'm a fully-grown man with big lungs and I don't think I could match that.
Watch this.
Let's give it a go.
Waaa-aaa-aaa-aa! (BABIES CRY) Shut the fuck up! Er, can you pull over and let us out please? Sorry You can't say that to a baby.
I know.
They're potential future customers.
I haven't been sleeping.
The neighbour's baby's been at it all night.
I don't care.
You swore at those babies.
They pick up everything.
They're like sponges.
Are they heck! If that's the case, why teach them Humpty-fucking-Dumpty? Should be teaching them times tables and how to wire a plug if their brain's that lively.
Look, we've got to be seen to be acting.
You need to see someone about those anger issues.
(DISTANT CRYING) (BABY CRYING) I don't like the idea of this.
Can't trust therapists.
We don't need anyone else interfering.
We can work everything out on our own.
Have you ever told other babies to, "Shut the fuck up"? I've thought it.
When you hear a baby screaming its tripe out, of course.
"Oh, I love the sound of that.
" It's a racket.
So of course.
In my head, I'm thinking, "Shut the fuck up.
" But this time it slipped out.
What do you think brought this reaction on? The noise.
I couldn't take any more of it.
I'd had one at home all night keeping me awake so it just got too much.
Your baby? No.
God, no.
I don't want a baby.
I don't want one of them in my life.
Do you feel that strongly about it? Look at him sat there, writing everything down.
This is Columbo.
Never say, "Never", and all that but I'd say I'm 99 percent sure, yeah.
99 percent.
There's still a one percent chance of it happening.
Yeah, if you're looking at it that way.
Why have we got on to that now? I thought this was about telling a baby to, "Shut the fuck up.
" I don't want a baby.
Is that a bad thing to say? You see, you might think that's odd.
I think the people who should be sat here are people who are thinking about having a kid.
I just don't get it.
Jesus! I don't like hummus.
Are we gonna discuss that? You're not as animated when you talk about hummus as you are when you talk about babies.
Look, I The reason I split up with my ex-girlfriend Zoe is because she started going down this road, started going on about having kids.
I never wanted it.
That isn't why I went out with her.
It wasn't what I wanted in life.
I liked her.
I loved her.
I didn't need this extra thing to join us together.
She kept going on about it.
Her friends started having kids.
"Why aren't we having kids? It's what we're here for.
" "If we can have kids, we should have them cos there's people who can't.
" I never understood that logic.
There people without fucking arms but I'm not gonna take up juggling.
It's all she was with me for towards the end.
Just like I was just a big ball of jizz.
You either want them or you don't and I haven't got the urge for it.
I just can't picture myself getting up in the middle of the night, dealing with it, taking it for a walk in a pram.
It's just not me.
I can't see it in my head.
Do you think the voice in your head sometimes gets in the way of what you want out of life? Here we go.
I dunno.
You're scared because your brain's telling you all the bad things that might happen.
You need to block those thoughts out, confront the fear.
I want you to challenge yourself to do something you're afraid of.
Don't put it off, just get it done.
The inner self can be helpful but sometimes it can be a handicap.
Cheeky bastard.
"(CLASSICAL MUSIC)" This is you confronting the fear? Doing a sperm test.
I don't understand you.
When Zoe asked you to do one, you poo-pooed the idea.
You didn't want to know.
You started coming up with excuses, saying you were wankaphobic.
I don't know what's changed.
How much is it? £15.
£15 for one go? It's multi-use.
99 percent accurate.
99 Well, one percent of the price should come off straight away, then.
Taking the piss.
I don't know why you are doing this.
It says that a good sperm count is around 200 million.
That's a lot, isn't it? Is that what it says? That is a lot.
It's like having the population of Brazil swimming round your bollocks.
Mental, that.
I'll just have that, please.
Sperm test kit.
£14.
95, please.
Are you trying for a family? Er, you know, maybe.
Families are important.
Toilet here.
Why don't you get in there and knock one out? You're not gonna be able to do it at home with Norma about.
I'm trying to encourage you here.
That shrink said I always get in the way of you doing things.
No time like the present.
Thanks.
Come on.
In here.
No, that's a storage cupboard.
All right, sorry.
No problem.
No problem.
I saw the sign.
Do you want to do that test? What? We have a bathroom up the stairs.
No No problem at all.
Please, please come.
Least I can do.
Is that OK? Yeah, yeah, no problem.
It's just I live with my auntie.
I understand.
I don't get any privacy.
Have you used that kit before? No, no.
It's very simple.
The sperm goes in the pot.
Put the sample in the bottle and it will be ready in five minutes.
OK.
Here is the bathroom.
Thanks.
I'll try not to be too long.
Arjun! Yeah, a customer.
What do we have here? He's doing a test.
(UNCLEAR SPEECH) I'll leave it.
I'll leave it.
No.
Please, you stay.
Stop bringing strangers up here.
Patients.
You're not a doctor, just a chemist.
This is what happens once you have kids.
I bet they were happy once.
It's the worst thing you can do.
Honestly.
Learn from this.
Forget the test.
Keep the sperm in your bollocks.
That's the best point of your life, that, being in there.
That's when you are most happiest, swimming about in there.
None of this.
You hear about people saying they had a tough life.
No-one's ever had a tough beginning as a sperm.
It's when you come out when it all turns to shit.
(MOBILE RINGS) Hello.
"Where are you?" "Why, what is it?" "Will you please come home? I need you here now.
" Thanks anyway.
What's happened? '(BABY CRYING)' (BABY CRYING) What's going on? What's that doing here? Lesley, next door, was exhausted.
I told her I'd give her a break.
Where's the dad? Jesus, does it ever shut up? Yeah, when the batteries run out.
What are you talking about? It's not real.
It's a training baby.
Lesley was learning to be a nanny but it wasn't for her.
It's been a toy that's been keeping me awake all week.
It's not a toy.
(TOY DOLL CRIES) I know why she's exhausted.
I've had it for an hour and I am worn out.
Where is the volume control or the on-and-off button? There isn't any.
The only way to stop it from crying is to feed it, burp it and change its shitty nappies.
Would you take it out? I'm getting a migraine.
She's had a bit of time off.
I'll take it back to her.
She's not there.
Why? Well, she told me she went to The Arches with her friends.
She's gone clubbing? That's what she thinks she can do when she's meant to be looking after someone's kid? She is one cheeky cow! (TOY BABY CRIES) I don't need this.
I'm supposed to be having a jostle.
What are you doing? (TOY BABY CRIES) Wind it.
It might need winding.
(TOY BABY CRIES) What's wrong with the little shit? Swearing in front of a baby again.
Swearing should be the first thing you teach a baby.
It'd probably cry less if it knew how to swear.
I'd much prefer to hear a baby say, "I need fucking winding.
I need fucking feeding.
" "Oh, shit, I've shat myself again.
" (TOY BABY WHIMPERS SOFTLY) (PEOPLE CHATTERING) Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Can you just make a bit of gap to get through.
Sorry.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Is that a baby? No way! Excuse me, mate.
Excuse me.
Can you move over a bit? Have you got room for two more in? Sorry, it's underage.
I just want to get it back to its owner.
You're wearing jeans and trainers.
They're not allowed.
What's wrong with jeans and trainers? Next! What's wrong with jeans and trainers? He's wearing a fucking bin-bag! (TOY BABY CRIES) What's wrong now? Shh-shh-shh.
(SIGHS) I haven't got time for this.
Shh-shh-shh-shh.
What's wrong with you, eh? What is it now? Stop here.
I think it's a faulty one.
No real baby cries this much.
Depressed.
You've got a depressed one, a bipolar one.
You've winded it.
It doesn't need winding.
It needs fucking counselling.
It's mental.
Quietening down a bit.
Is that what it was? All right, happy? Yeah? That's happy.
You're happy.
Let's go find its mam.
Come on, Super Nanny.
(DANCE MUSIC) What are you doing here? Is that her over there? Are you Lesley? Yeah! Who are you? Your fucking babysitter! You left it with my auntie.
What are you playing at? Over there.
Dealing with a screaming baby is a lot easier if it's your own.
I just can't imagine being a nanny now.
Well, that's fine but - Can you just take it home? No.
Please! No chance.
The agency is going to pick it up tomorrow.
You can give it to them, then.
I'm not gonna pull anyone carrying that thing around.
Just - Come on, let's go for another drink.
Whoo! Hey.
Have you got your sperm test kit? It's empty in here.
Sit there.
You need it all in the pot.
Don't spill it.
What's taking you so long? Just Go a bit faster with it.
I'm trying my best here.
You're not stroking a cat.
(TOY BABY CRIES) Probably needs winding again.
Can't you wind it? Got your hands full, haven't you? (TOY BABY CRIES) Just try and ignore it.
(OPERATIC MUSIC) (EXHALES) Done it.
Good one.
I feel dizzy.
It wasn't hard, was it? Job done.
All right? Yeah.
You? I'll tell you what, I'm glad to be out of there.
Prefer the sound of a baby crying to that racket.
How's that fun? You're a bit quiet.
I'm not surprised after what that's seen.
It takes five minutes to get the result.
It says here if you lined up every sperm from a single ejaculation, it'd make a queue that would be six miles long.
Jesus! It was hard enough herding them from your bollocks to the pot without trying to get them to stand in a queue.
(TOY BABY CRIES) I recognise that cry.
It means you want winding, doesn't it? (TOY BABY WHIMPERS SOFTLY) That's it.
It's been an experience, hasn't it? Yeah, it has, hasn't it? Surprise me a bit.
I didn't think you had what it takes.
It doesn't look like I do.
Oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway, does it? You didn't want a baby, did you? At the end of the day, nothing but hassle and headache.
Let's get going.
Mind you, it's only 99 percent accurate.
There's still a one-percent chance.
# If I should leave you # Try to remember # The good times # Warm day Silver sunshine And just a little bit of rain .
Please hold the line.
" "(CLASSICAL MUSIC)" "Your call is important to us.
Please hold the line.
" "The person you are calling knows you are waiting.
Please hold the line.
" "(CLASSICAL MUSIC)" "Your call is important to us.
Please hold -" "Environment and Communities Department.
How can I help you?" Yeah, I'm calling about a noisy neighbour.
"OK, can you give me some details?" Er, yeah, it's been going on for, like four nights.
Erm, not sleeping.
I'm a cab driver so I'm going to work feeling shattered which isn't good, is it? "Uh-huh.
" "And what sort of noise is it?" It's a baby.
"Erm, right.
" "OK, we can't actually do anything about babies as that's classed more as an ordinary domestic noise.
" What are you talking about? "It's a baby, sir.
" Yeah, I know but noise is noise surely.
"If it was loud music or a dog barking, I'd be able to do something but" I-I don't understand though.
Why? "Because it's a baby.
" Yeah, you keep saying that but babies can just do what they want, can they? They've got a different rule book? Loud music is not allowed but if the baby wants loud music, is that all right? It can just do what it wants.
We can't upset the baby.
Jesus, I'm sick of it! '(BABY CRYING)' It's a shame that babies don't come in, like, a vibrate mode like mobiles do.
Let the owners know there's a problem without everyone else having to put up with it.
'(BABY CRIES)' Noisy little bastard.
The mum's got to be deaf.
That's the only explanation, isn't it? Doesn't stop.
I honestly don't know, like, how the human race isn't extinct if babies have always made that racket.
Think about it.
Going back thousands of years when we all lived in caves and you had a baby making that racket.
That's basically like an ice-cream-van chime going off to some sabre-toothed tiger.
"Oh, hello.
Lunch is in there.
Tuck in.
" '(BABY CRIES)' Ridiculous! '(BABY CRIES)' Listen to it.
It's like living next door to fucking Tarzan.
(TOILET FLUSHES) Oh, I'm so glad you're back.
Jesus Christ! What are you doing? Well, I dozed off.
The bulb blew.
I didn't want to try climb out.
I was worried I'd slip.
How long have you been there? Since about eight.
That's, like, three hours ago.
Come on, let's be getting you out.
But no peeking.
Yeah, honestly, I won't be peeking.
I'm not sleeping at night as it is without having a naked image of you in my head.
To the civic centre, yeah? Yeah.
(BABY WHIMPERS) (BABY CRIES) Do you mind if we stop off to pick up a friend? No problem.
(BABY CRIES) Why would anyone want one of them? Have they got an allocation of noise that they've got to let out every day? Why is it so upset? It's OK, Mummy's here.
(BABY SCREAMS) The crying system doesn't work really cos what is wrong with it? Does it need winding? Is it hungry? Has it shat itself? (BABY CRIES) That noise it's making is way over the top for any of those problems.
That sounds like it's found out its family has been wiped out by a tsunami.
It's had the worst news ever.
Here she is, just over there.
Another one's getting in now as well.
Are you all right? How you doing? Yeah, good.
(BABY CRIES) Aw! Grouchy today but good.
How's yours? How long do you think it will be before that one joins in? Place your bets.
(SECOND BABY CRIES) Have they met up to see whose baby can make the most noise or what? I don't know where they get the energy from for it.
It's holding a note longer than Mariah Carey.
Not even breathing.
It's just one continuous How's it doing it? I'm a fully-grown man with big lungs and I don't think I could match that.
Watch this.
Let's give it a go.
Waaa-aaa-aaa-aa! (BABIES CRY) Shut the fuck up! Er, can you pull over and let us out please? Sorry You can't say that to a baby.
I know.
They're potential future customers.
I haven't been sleeping.
The neighbour's baby's been at it all night.
I don't care.
You swore at those babies.
They pick up everything.
They're like sponges.
Are they heck! If that's the case, why teach them Humpty-fucking-Dumpty? Should be teaching them times tables and how to wire a plug if their brain's that lively.
Look, we've got to be seen to be acting.
You need to see someone about those anger issues.
(DISTANT CRYING) (BABY CRYING) I don't like the idea of this.
Can't trust therapists.
We don't need anyone else interfering.
We can work everything out on our own.
Have you ever told other babies to, "Shut the fuck up"? I've thought it.
When you hear a baby screaming its tripe out, of course.
"Oh, I love the sound of that.
" It's a racket.
So of course.
In my head, I'm thinking, "Shut the fuck up.
" But this time it slipped out.
What do you think brought this reaction on? The noise.
I couldn't take any more of it.
I'd had one at home all night keeping me awake so it just got too much.
Your baby? No.
God, no.
I don't want a baby.
I don't want one of them in my life.
Do you feel that strongly about it? Look at him sat there, writing everything down.
This is Columbo.
Never say, "Never", and all that but I'd say I'm 99 percent sure, yeah.
99 percent.
There's still a one percent chance of it happening.
Yeah, if you're looking at it that way.
Why have we got on to that now? I thought this was about telling a baby to, "Shut the fuck up.
" I don't want a baby.
Is that a bad thing to say? You see, you might think that's odd.
I think the people who should be sat here are people who are thinking about having a kid.
I just don't get it.
Jesus! I don't like hummus.
Are we gonna discuss that? You're not as animated when you talk about hummus as you are when you talk about babies.
Look, I The reason I split up with my ex-girlfriend Zoe is because she started going down this road, started going on about having kids.
I never wanted it.
That isn't why I went out with her.
It wasn't what I wanted in life.
I liked her.
I loved her.
I didn't need this extra thing to join us together.
She kept going on about it.
Her friends started having kids.
"Why aren't we having kids? It's what we're here for.
" "If we can have kids, we should have them cos there's people who can't.
" I never understood that logic.
There people without fucking arms but I'm not gonna take up juggling.
It's all she was with me for towards the end.
Just like I was just a big ball of jizz.
You either want them or you don't and I haven't got the urge for it.
I just can't picture myself getting up in the middle of the night, dealing with it, taking it for a walk in a pram.
It's just not me.
I can't see it in my head.
Do you think the voice in your head sometimes gets in the way of what you want out of life? Here we go.
I dunno.
You're scared because your brain's telling you all the bad things that might happen.
You need to block those thoughts out, confront the fear.
I want you to challenge yourself to do something you're afraid of.
Don't put it off, just get it done.
The inner self can be helpful but sometimes it can be a handicap.
Cheeky bastard.
"(CLASSICAL MUSIC)" This is you confronting the fear? Doing a sperm test.
I don't understand you.
When Zoe asked you to do one, you poo-pooed the idea.
You didn't want to know.
You started coming up with excuses, saying you were wankaphobic.
I don't know what's changed.
How much is it? £15.
£15 for one go? It's multi-use.
99 percent accurate.
99 Well, one percent of the price should come off straight away, then.
Taking the piss.
I don't know why you are doing this.
It says that a good sperm count is around 200 million.
That's a lot, isn't it? Is that what it says? That is a lot.
It's like having the population of Brazil swimming round your bollocks.
Mental, that.
I'll just have that, please.
Sperm test kit.
£14.
95, please.
Are you trying for a family? Er, you know, maybe.
Families are important.
Toilet here.
Why don't you get in there and knock one out? You're not gonna be able to do it at home with Norma about.
I'm trying to encourage you here.
That shrink said I always get in the way of you doing things.
No time like the present.
Thanks.
Come on.
In here.
No, that's a storage cupboard.
All right, sorry.
No problem.
No problem.
I saw the sign.
Do you want to do that test? What? We have a bathroom up the stairs.
No No problem at all.
Please, please come.
Least I can do.
Is that OK? Yeah, yeah, no problem.
It's just I live with my auntie.
I understand.
I don't get any privacy.
Have you used that kit before? No, no.
It's very simple.
The sperm goes in the pot.
Put the sample in the bottle and it will be ready in five minutes.
OK.
Here is the bathroom.
Thanks.
I'll try not to be too long.
Arjun! Yeah, a customer.
What do we have here? He's doing a test.
(UNCLEAR SPEECH) I'll leave it.
I'll leave it.
No.
Please, you stay.
Stop bringing strangers up here.
Patients.
You're not a doctor, just a chemist.
This is what happens once you have kids.
I bet they were happy once.
It's the worst thing you can do.
Honestly.
Learn from this.
Forget the test.
Keep the sperm in your bollocks.
That's the best point of your life, that, being in there.
That's when you are most happiest, swimming about in there.
None of this.
You hear about people saying they had a tough life.
No-one's ever had a tough beginning as a sperm.
It's when you come out when it all turns to shit.
(MOBILE RINGS) Hello.
"Where are you?" "Why, what is it?" "Will you please come home? I need you here now.
" Thanks anyway.
What's happened? '(BABY CRYING)' (BABY CRYING) What's going on? What's that doing here? Lesley, next door, was exhausted.
I told her I'd give her a break.
Where's the dad? Jesus, does it ever shut up? Yeah, when the batteries run out.
What are you talking about? It's not real.
It's a training baby.
Lesley was learning to be a nanny but it wasn't for her.
It's been a toy that's been keeping me awake all week.
It's not a toy.
(TOY DOLL CRIES) I know why she's exhausted.
I've had it for an hour and I am worn out.
Where is the volume control or the on-and-off button? There isn't any.
The only way to stop it from crying is to feed it, burp it and change its shitty nappies.
Would you take it out? I'm getting a migraine.
She's had a bit of time off.
I'll take it back to her.
She's not there.
Why? Well, she told me she went to The Arches with her friends.
She's gone clubbing? That's what she thinks she can do when she's meant to be looking after someone's kid? She is one cheeky cow! (TOY BABY CRIES) I don't need this.
I'm supposed to be having a jostle.
What are you doing? (TOY BABY CRIES) Wind it.
It might need winding.
(TOY BABY CRIES) What's wrong with the little shit? Swearing in front of a baby again.
Swearing should be the first thing you teach a baby.
It'd probably cry less if it knew how to swear.
I'd much prefer to hear a baby say, "I need fucking winding.
I need fucking feeding.
" "Oh, shit, I've shat myself again.
" (TOY BABY WHIMPERS SOFTLY) (PEOPLE CHATTERING) Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Can you just make a bit of gap to get through.
Sorry.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Is that a baby? No way! Excuse me, mate.
Excuse me.
Can you move over a bit? Have you got room for two more in? Sorry, it's underage.
I just want to get it back to its owner.
You're wearing jeans and trainers.
They're not allowed.
What's wrong with jeans and trainers? Next! What's wrong with jeans and trainers? He's wearing a fucking bin-bag! (TOY BABY CRIES) What's wrong now? Shh-shh-shh.
(SIGHS) I haven't got time for this.
Shh-shh-shh-shh.
What's wrong with you, eh? What is it now? Stop here.
I think it's a faulty one.
No real baby cries this much.
Depressed.
You've got a depressed one, a bipolar one.
You've winded it.
It doesn't need winding.
It needs fucking counselling.
It's mental.
Quietening down a bit.
Is that what it was? All right, happy? Yeah? That's happy.
You're happy.
Let's go find its mam.
Come on, Super Nanny.
(DANCE MUSIC) What are you doing here? Is that her over there? Are you Lesley? Yeah! Who are you? Your fucking babysitter! You left it with my auntie.
What are you playing at? Over there.
Dealing with a screaming baby is a lot easier if it's your own.
I just can't imagine being a nanny now.
Well, that's fine but - Can you just take it home? No.
Please! No chance.
The agency is going to pick it up tomorrow.
You can give it to them, then.
I'm not gonna pull anyone carrying that thing around.
Just - Come on, let's go for another drink.
Whoo! Hey.
Have you got your sperm test kit? It's empty in here.
Sit there.
You need it all in the pot.
Don't spill it.
What's taking you so long? Just Go a bit faster with it.
I'm trying my best here.
You're not stroking a cat.
(TOY BABY CRIES) Probably needs winding again.
Can't you wind it? Got your hands full, haven't you? (TOY BABY CRIES) Just try and ignore it.
(OPERATIC MUSIC) (EXHALES) Done it.
Good one.
I feel dizzy.
It wasn't hard, was it? Job done.
All right? Yeah.
You? I'll tell you what, I'm glad to be out of there.
Prefer the sound of a baby crying to that racket.
How's that fun? You're a bit quiet.
I'm not surprised after what that's seen.
It takes five minutes to get the result.
It says here if you lined up every sperm from a single ejaculation, it'd make a queue that would be six miles long.
Jesus! It was hard enough herding them from your bollocks to the pot without trying to get them to stand in a queue.
(TOY BABY CRIES) I recognise that cry.
It means you want winding, doesn't it? (TOY BABY WHIMPERS SOFTLY) That's it.
It's been an experience, hasn't it? Yeah, it has, hasn't it? Surprise me a bit.
I didn't think you had what it takes.
It doesn't look like I do.
Oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway, does it? You didn't want a baby, did you? At the end of the day, nothing but hassle and headache.
Let's get going.
Mind you, it's only 99 percent accurate.
There's still a one-percent chance.
# If I should leave you # Try to remember # The good times # Warm day Silver sunshine And just a little bit of rain .