Side Quest (2025) s01e02 Episode Script

1
[bell chimes]
- Goku.
- Superman.
- I'd bet $100 on Goku.
- It's Superman any day.
Dom, I don't know what they
put in Capri-Suns nowadays,
but ain't no way Superman is beating Goku.
Superman is indestructible, super fast
- and has heat vision.
- What are you talking about?
- He's not losing.
- Superman is a punk.
What kind of hero loses
to a goddamn green rock?
- Goku's gotta
- Excuse me.
like, lift weights in space
to get strong.
You ever seen Superman
have to lift weights?
- Ooh.
- No.
Dude is already space-jacked.
Uh, I'm looking for a comic.
See, this is where you're wrong,
little man.
Superman can't get stronger.
He's only got the shit he was born with,
but Goku, dude can keep leveling up
over and over and over
until he can crack a planet in half
with one punch.
- Superman is literally made to be
- Excuse me?
What?
I'd like a comic, please.
We don't have any.
[stammers] I
[person 1] Goddamn it, Cherry,
are you behind my counter again?
I swear to God
I'm gonna go Super Saiyan on y'all
if you don't stay out
from behind my counter.
All right. Let me help you out, Janae.
You already work so hard around here.
I hope there's water in that box
because you're thirsty.
Cherry, get it together.
- [glass cracks]
- Hey! Not on the glass.
- [Dom] So, should I put it
- No, just give it back.
Thank you.
So sorry about that, sir.
How can I help you?
- Yes, I
- I was helping, Janae.
We clearly don't sell Captain Dad Bod,
so he's wasting his time.
I work out.
[person 2] That's why you ain't
got a job no more, Cherry.
- No people skills.
- You're one to talk.
The last time you had a job was
when Kris Kross missed the bus.
- All you do is play cards.
- [phone rings]
- I need help finding a comic.
- I'm sorry, sir.
- Comics Galore. This is Janae.
- Who's your next victim?
That duplicitous snake, Melvin.
This isn't a strip club anymore.
Fucking Melvin.
Hey! Cherry, watch your mouth
in front of my customers.
I am a customer.
Customers buy things.
So sorry. Again.
What are you looking for?
I don't know. It's for my stepson.
It It has a sword in it, I think.
- Once and Future? Walking Dead?
- Nocterra?
- Deadpool?
- Bleach? Black Clover?
- Birthright? Saga?
- Spawn? BRZRKR?
Hitomi? Claymore?
How about we go over here
and see if any of these ring a bell?
- Yeah.
- Okay. [chuckles]
- Claymore.
- Come on, give me some.
[both chuckle]
Uh-uh! Duncan, get out
from behind my counter.
I put your hentai in the back.
And it's in a well-lit corner,
so don't try nothing.
[chuckles]
Um, Supreme is across town, Bridgerton.
Supreme? Damn, granny.
FA all day, but 'preciate you.
- Janae, what's good?
- Hey, Mike.
- You know this man?
- Here's your pull list.
What's that?
D-Do I need a pull list to get a comic?
A pull list is for real customers.
No. A pull list is for regulars.
They like certain comics,
and when new issues come out,
I pull them,
and folks come in and pick up.
Except Kinda missing one, J.
Where's the Mythic Quest comic?
Oh, that's it! That's the one I need.
Sorry, but FedEx is running a little late.
Cherry and Dominic are waiting too.
- Right.
- Yeah.
- About how long?
- Soon.
Yeah, soon. Real soon.
Look, you should just browse around.
We have something for everyone.
Janae, where's the one with the titties
so big they're in a wheelbarrow?
Uh-uh, Earl!
Get out from behind my counter.
I need my medicine for the big match.
Mel's talking a lot of shit this time.
- What's all this mess?
- [clicks tongue]
Oh, these are the new mystery MQ boxes.
The distributor wants 'em
put out in a certain way.
I'm trying to get their
gold ring vendor status.
First drops, advanced sales,
increased inventory.
I can start making 40% of my revenue
on these things if I play it right.
I just gotta post a pic
of the display on our site by tonight.
Damn. What are we launching,
a space shuttle?
- [sighs]
- Hey, Janae.
If the comic doesn't get here
before my bus,
think I can hop a ride home with you?
Now, you know
I don't live anywhere near you.
So, you can catch your bus,
get the copy tomorrow.
What? No way.
This is Lawrence le Noir's
first solo issue.
I'm not going to school tomorrow
and getting it spoiled.
Yeah, I definitely
need that issue tonight.
We talking Snape-kills-Dumbledore level
spoilers in that thing.
Who is that?
Dumbledore is a gay wizard created
by a white lady who hates trans people.
No, n-not Dumbledore.
The, uh, the Lawrence le Whoever.
The first Black character
in the Mythic Quest series.
- Oh.
- And a fucking badass.
This issue is supposed
to have a big reveal.
- I bet he finds an Elder stone.
- [shushes]
Come on. No spoilers, bro.
Uh, what's an Elder stone?
- It's a talisman that will give Law
- Close your mouth before I pop you in it.
Come on, I'll show you.
Thanks. My stepson loves this stuff.
I don't know what he's talking about
Earl, don't lean on my counter.
Welcome to hell, Melvin.
I'm gonna make you shit in your Depends.
So, Michael Ealy,
what cute e-girl got you into comics?
[chuckles]
I wish the girls
I hung out with liked comics,
but, uh, I kinda have
to be on the DL about it.
Oh, yeah. You definitely don't want
your friends to know you enjoy reading.
Reading? Nah, I don't read 'em.
I just look at the pictures.
[chuckles]
Okay, Shemar Moore. You got jokes.
But if you're a nerd, what kind of nerd?
Manga? D&D?
Warhammer? Tabletop?
Why do I feel like this is a trap?
[clicks tongue] Hmm.
You seem like the type
to be into thirst-trap cosplay.
Probably dress up as T'Challa
to get more followers, huh?
Found it.
Probably tryna reach the sad fangirl base.
Doesn't he seem like the type
for thirst-trap cosplay?
- Janae.
- What?
Cosplay.
I love it. What about it?
Wait, wait. You cosplay?
Yeah, I cosplay Nira X
at Moonfest every year.
Um, are there gonna be another
one of those fests anytime soon, or
Wait. That girl's white. That's not weird
for you to dress up as her?
- No! Let her cosplay as Nira X.
- Brother.
[Cherry stammers] She's also
a dimension-hopping mercenary
hired by aliens to kill
a mutated scientist called Paradoxx.
So, you gotta work on
your suspension of disbelief, my guy.
And it's not like there's a lot of
Black characters to choose from. So
But there are some we claim as Black.
- Yes. Skeeter from Doug.
- Yep.
Piccolo from Dragon Ball Z.
Arthur and his whole family.
Ziggy Marley sings the theme song.
The Teletubbies.
It's a group of friends singing,
dancing and living their best life.
It's honestly giving Living Single.
Tinky Winky is basically Queen Latifah.
Think about it.
But how do you know?
I mean, i-it just sounds
like you're naming characters.
When you know, you know.
All right, then. Uh, how about Elmo?
- Yes. Absolutely. He's dark-skinned too.
- Black. Blackity Black Black.
- Yep.
- Tom and Jerry?
Jerry cool.
Everybody know that. [chuckles]
- Magic School Bus?
- [Cherry] Mmm.
So, the bus is white
- But Ms. Frizzle
- Big Bird?
- What is wrong with you?
- Are you dead inside?
- He's definitely Caucasian.
- [Cherry] It's the caucacity.
[Earl] Yeah.
[chuckles]
I take shits bigger than you.
Choke on this.
[Cherry] Finally.
Dan! On the glass.
[chuckles]
[sighs]
There's only one copy.
Um
[toilet flushes]
[sniffs]
I'm buying this one.
Ma'am, I have a store full of customers
waiting for their orders!
I don't make money on comics I don't have.
You guys consistently short me.
I'm sure that Metro Comics, or Comic Zone,
or any other white-owned
comic book store doesn't get shorted.
I cannot ho [sighs]
Fuck it.
[sighs]
[inhales sharply]
So, um, this is all we're getting,
but I ordered more.
It's just gonna take a couple weeks.
- I ordered it first. I always do.
- I prepaid. You know that.
[stammers] Janae,
I am your most loyal customer.
- Girl.
- Girl.
- Girl
- I'll give you a $100 for it.
- Whoa!
- Done.
- [Mike] Wait, $100?
- [Cherry] No! Are you serious?
- [Mike] I'll give you a hundred.
- What about Black girl
- [all clamoring]
- Okay, okay! Fine.
Fine.
That hundred bucks would
more than cover the store Wi-Fi
you guys use so goddamn liberally,
but it's not worth listening
to you bitch for the next week.
- Figure it out amongst yourselves.
- Are you kidding me?
I say we compare pull lists.
It will prove who has the most nerd cred.
- I don't have a pull list.
- What comics does your stepson like?
Uh, let me find out.
Do you even know the kid?
Okay.
And if you hear anything
about Mythic Quest, please do not tell us.
In fact
- [Dom] Cherry, what are you
- [whispering] Go home.
No one in, no one out.
- And give me your phones.
- [whispers] For what?
[whispering] Because I guarantee you
some dickhead on Reddit
is gonna spoil it before
we figure out who the fuck gets the comic.
So, pony the fuck up.
[sighs]
Don't go through my messages.
Wait, why do you have two phones?
Oh. One's my personal phone,
the other one's for, um,
texting white shorties. [chuckles]
It's a whole
different ball game, you know?
Grammar, uh, time to reply, punctuation.
Two phones? I have two families.
Okay, Dom. Let's see.
Ooh. All right. Nice.
A little expected, but good.
[clicks tongue]
- Ready?
- Yeah.
Boom. Bop. Beep. Boop.
[Dom] Wh What are those?
- Vigor Mortis.
- Wha Who?
[speaking Portuguese]
Yeah. Um, I'm deep in Duolingo.
I'm learning so I can translate them.
[Mike scoffs]
Uh, give me that.
Feeling the heat now, boys? [chuckles]
- Wow. Full geek.
- Thank you.
Well, all of this is kinda arbitrary,
am I right?
Oh. [chuckles]
Honey, this is probably really scary.
Especially since you're probably
sitting on a list as basic as hell.
Speaking of, hand it over.
Uh, my son's not responding.
My wife said he's busy playing
the PS5 that his dad got him.
- Ouch.
- Look, I need this comic.
His real dad's playing hardball,
and I gotta keep up.
Yeah, I agree with Dockers.
This pull list thing doesn't
feel like a fair way to settle it.
- Thank you.
- [Cherry] Huh.
I'm seeing a real line
drawn in the sand here.
Me and Dom, aka the real ones
- Give me some, Dom.
- Yep.
Come on, we're a team.
- and Hypebeast and Stepdad.
- Not bad.
The sitcom nobody wants.
You don't understand
what's happening to me.
His real dad picked me up
like I was a baby in front of everyone.
- I was in a towel.
- [Cherry] Mmm.
I'm not leaving without that comic.
[Melvin] Fuck you, Earl.
Fucked around
and found out today, didn't you, boy?
Shut up.
Never too late in the day
for an ass whooping.
You got lucky.
I ain't lost a match since
Denzel got snubbed for Malcolm X.
[Dom] Okay.
That's why I took
the batteries out your Life Alert.
Tell your mama I said hi.
- Ooh!
- Whoa.
[chuckles]
I have an idea.
You can have the comic, mm-hmm,
if you can beat Earl.
- Really?
- Yep.
That's how most things
are settled here. It's nerd code.
[both] Right. Yes. Nerd code.
Yeah.
Nerd code.
[sighs]
Let's see.
How exactly does this work?
What you know about planeswalkers?
Wait
so "The burnt sienna facades
should be placed at a quarter angle"?
But it's flat. What the shit?
Okay, so now that we got
Black Frasier out of the way,
how do we figure out who
actually gets the comic?
I got an idea.
Y'all wanna play? Let's play.
I say we settle this
with some Mythic Quest trivia.
You're on, Adonis.
I'm gonna mop the floor with that
beautifully sculpted face of yours.
I can't read you.
Like a nasty, nasty book.
Anyway
When was the first mention
of Lawrence le Noir
in the Mythic Quest world?
Ooh! Raven's Banquet
expansion issue number 17.
- Damn!
- Boom.
It's cool. I would've got that one.
Try me.
Okay. Who's going to be
the focus of MQ's next solo comic?
[chuckles]
Trick question.
They haven't announced that yet.
- Ooh! Did you hear that, Dom?
- I-I-I heard it.
Because it's not true.
- It's clearly gonna follow Tritzia Leung.
- How do you know that?
Because if a franchise goes on
long enough, they add Asians.
Janae has a whole Asian theory.
It's a franchise theory,
not an Asian theory.
Franchise gets stale,
they add Black people.
If it keeps going,
they bring in the Asians.
Mostly as villains.
They really do the Asians dirty.
- Boom.
- They did it in Harry Potter, Star Wars
- Lethal Weapon, The Mummy
- Fast and Furious,
- Pirates of the Caribbean
- And Green Lantern.
Kim Tran made her first appearance
in Green Lantern, issue number one.
Damn, go crazy.
You better recognize!
Once you get off that basic baby shit,
- call me so we can talk like real adults.
- [Dom] Oh.
Call her.
Yeah, call me! When you wanna talk.
Ring, ring.
Okay?
- Real adults, huh?
- Yeah, that's what I said.
- At least I'm doing other things.
- Yeah.
than just hanging out with
a 14-year-old and a Vietnam vet all day.
[chuckles] You feel me?
W-What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
Nothing.
Just, uh, messing around, you know?
I have friends.
Yeah, yeah, I know I know you do.
Just forget it. [sighs]
Right. So, your turn on the trivia, right?
We still doing that?
Let's do it, right?
Mmm.
I thought about it,
and, uh, it's a stupid fucking idea.
[chuckles] Ooh.
Eat this counter, bitch.
Okay, let's go with the Sharding Sphinx.
There, you got sharded.
Duncan, please don't
make me ask you again.
Get out from behind my counter.
- Dick.
- You watch yourself.
It's a dick.
[clicks tongue] No, it's not a dick.
It's a sword.
[slurps]
Guys, look.
It's a sword, right?
[all] Dick.
[Cherry] Yeah, that's a that's a dick.
Tilt your head.
Goddamn it.
- [Earl] Sweet [grunting, groaning]
- [Mike] Oh, shit.
- [Cherry] Earl!
- [Janae] Oh, my God.
[Earl groaning]
Cherry, call 911.
Dom, get out from behind my counter!
I'm getting Earl's medicine.
- Stay with me.
- What did you do to him?
[stammers] I beat him.
- [Janae] What the
- You what?
Janae, I can't go home to Winnie a loser.
You're not having a fu
With your stupid ass.
How the fuck did you do it?
Well, I-I'm a [chuckles]
risk assessment and liability manager.
Wait, a what?
My whole job is data analysis.
Once I got a gist of the rules,
all I had to do
was apply the elemental themes
to Earl's patterns and style of gameplay.
You're not a nerd, you're a fucking dork!
Well, I'm a dork
with a Mystic Land comic. So
It's Mythic Quest.
That one.
Janae [sighs]
if you can just ring that comic up,
I will be on my way.
No, he doesn't deserve it!
My stepson does.
Besides, you said if I beat Earl,
I get the comic. So
- [stammers]
- I didn't agree to that.
- Wasn't me.
- Neither did I.
Well, what happened to nerd code?
Fuck nerd code!
You have been rude all day.
Cherry, language. Everyone, back it up!
Back it up! B Everybody. Thank you.
I told you all to figure this out
amongst yourselves.
Not my fault that you biffed it.
There is no way I am letting
Oscar Proud here walk away with my comic.
See what you did?
This all your shit. You did this.
Shut up. I'm tired of hearing your voice.
- What is wrong with you people?
- Hey, I'm gonna get your comic.
And everyone else, look,
I'll throw in one free trade
in your next pull.
- No! Hell no!
- No!
It will a thousand percent
be spoiled for me.
Look, I gotta get home to my stepson.
So, the comic, please.
Yes.
It's gone.
- Huh?
- Wait, what?
The comic. It's not here.
Someone stole it?
- Who was behind the damn counter?
- Everyone was behind the counter.
Even though I specifically
told you all not to be.
Dom was behind the counter earlier.
- What the hell, man?
- Yeah, I saw him.
It was Mike. Look at him.
Two phones?
One is probably for selling
limited-release comics
on the black market. He's a speculator!
- It was probably you, actually.
- What?
Distracting all of us
with this nerd code bullshit.
Ooh, you're such a fuckin' poser.
"How do you do, fellow nerds?"
Shut the fuck up! And give me a break.
Ooh, let's see that pull list.
You don't touch my damn list.
- Let's see it.
- Don't touch that.
- "Don't touch that."
- You can't just
[glass cracks]
Oh, wow. [chuckles] Seriously?
Did you get this from a BuzzFeed article?
So fucking basic.
Oh, my God.
- You don't even belong here. [chuckles]
- Yeah, yeah, so fucking what?
Who are you to decide
whether or not I belong here?
Because you belong everywhere!
This is the only place I belong!
Okay?
This is m
This is my store.
And you need to get the fuck out.
Okay, fine.
Uh-uh.
I know you have the comic,
and you're not leaving here with it.
Y-You think I have
You think I have the comic?
- Yes. Yeah.
- [scoffs]
Yeah? Well, I don't fucking
have the comic, all right?
I don't have it. Do you see a comic?
- Do you see a fucking comic?
- [stammers]
- Nothing. I got nothing.
- Why? Dang, man.
I want it just like y'all do, man.
You know what?
You know, we could have been friends
if you weren't such an asshole.
[chuckles]
You and I have nothing in common.
Stay basic, bitch!
[sighs]
What?
What's wrong with you? Mike is a customer.
You're better without him.
I want people in my store, Cherry.
I don't want people here
to just steal my snacks.
- You can put it on my tab.
- There is no fucking tab, girl!
This isn't some Kmart
layaway bullshit for me, Cherry.
You are fucking up my business.
[chuckles] Some business.
People getting naked,
gambling, cartoon porn,
not accepting money for a product.
Wh Hold on. This isn't her fault.
It's late. Why are you still here?
Do your parents even know where you are?
Watch it, Uncle Phil.
Just because your stepson hates you,
doesn't mean you get to pick on Dom.
[chuckles]
[sighs]
Forget it. I'm done.
I'm buying my son a snake.
- [Cherry] Oh. Uh-uh.
- Shit.
Prove you don't have the comic.
I'm not taking my clothes off.
Who's basic now, bitches?
Lawrence le Noir?
[laughs]
That is a ratty wig.
- Where did you
- Trunk of my car.
I stay ready. I'm a nerd, baby.
- Dead.
- What?
- Uh, you're the guy who dies.
- Huh.
No spoilers!
[screaming]
[no audible dialogue]
[Janae exclaims]
[groans]
[sighs, grunts]
Get out.
Hey, Janae,
c-can I still get that ride home?
- Get out!
- [glass cracking]
[exclaims]
[glass shatters]
[sighs]
So I guess you wouldn't mind
if I got the comic then, right?
- [Mike] Peasant!
- Shut the fuck up!
- What is wrong with you?
- [all clamoring]
Enough!
Fuck
You know, before this shop was here,
this was a check-cashing place.
And before that,
it was a bail bonds dealer.
And y'all know how much
I loved the strip club that was here.
But this place is special.
And Janae's worked hard
to make it that way.
And you sure as hell don't do nothing
to make it easy on her.
All you do is complain,
and run your mouth, and use the Wi-Fi.
Barely spend money in here.
So you tell me exactly,
what does it take
to make a place like this work?
Y'all got to do better!
[sighs]
[knocks]
Dom, I'm not driving you home. Ask Earl.
Hey.
So, we decided to give
the comic to Jared's stepson.
Support the next-gen nerds because
we believe the children are our future.
Great.
But do you wanna hear it first?
Hear what?
The story.
[Duncan] "He has been toying with us.
But why? And who is he?
So it was you who killed Wick.
Was that his name?"
[Jared] That's what it
definitely sounded like.
[Cherry] Let me see that again, man.
[Dom exclaims,
speaks indistinctly, chuckles]
"They all begin to blur together
at some point.
I swear to you, Lawrence,
you will be avenged."
- [mouths] Thank you.
- [Duncan continues, indistinct]
"Keep going. But I'll be right behind.
I promise
He has been toying with them."
So, I know this is your space and all.
But, um, I was wondering if maybe
sometime I can pull up on you,
vibe with you a little bit?
[clicks tongue] I'll think about it.
I knew you did thirst-trap cosplay.
I-I got dressed outside.
My shirt in the car, I can go put it on.
- Don't you fucking dare.
- [chuckles]
- [Cherry speaks indistinctly]
- [Duncan] Yeah. Is that hentai?
[Cherry] Duncan, you're nasty.
[sighs] Beautiful, isn't it?
Oh, Dom, if only you were older.
Really?
Fuck no. Get your ass over there
before you get somebody arrested.
"Lawrence le Noir will have his vengeance!
The Elder stone will be mine!"
- [Dom] Oh! I knew it.
- Oh! [chuckles]
Oh, so I'm starting to get it now.
This Lawrence Noir guy is basically Blade.
Just because you're a Black man
in a trench coat doesn't make you Blade.
- That's exactly what I just said.
- My boy, Morpheus, though.
"Is this Martyr!"
- Oh!
- [Cherry screams]
[Duncan] "Lawrence le Noir will have
his vengeance!"
- Oh, my God.
- [Duncan] "The Elder stone will be mine.
Now you realize who I am."
[grunts]
"Blech! There is no winning.
Only death awaits you all."
[Cherry exclaims]
[Janae] Okay. Okay. All right.
All right, young man. Watch my things.
[all chattering, laughing]