Sin City Saints (2015) s01e02 Episode Script
Smoke and Mirros
[MUSIC.]
The more you run, the more I'm gonna kill you when I get to you, you little prick, And I am gonna get you, I am gonna get you, Oh shit! [MUSIC.]
Viva Las Vegas mother fuckers! [MUSIC.]
Welcome to our Saints arena, Where's the spot that the mascot ran over Laderius? He smoked his ass, [SOUND.]
, Ooh! We don't need to focus on that, There he is, Thank you, There you go, Yes, yes, yes, my pleasure, [CROSSTALK.]
, There you go, man, Thank you, Wear that with pride, all right? Hey, buddy, I gotta talk to you when you get a second, Why are you so pale? You, you went to Fiji, right? You didn't go to the beach? I, I, it, it rained, Everyday it's Terri, it, up, I, I, I, I'll, I'll, I'll, okay I'll talk to you, Yeah, Hey, Ladarius, what's up? All right hey you guys want a picture with Ladarius huh? Yeah, You guys get in here, let's get a picture with Ladarius Pope, There he is! Hey look, it's Ladarius what's up? Let's get a picture, Five minutes and you're off your feet with these kids, All right guys, one photo, Let's go, don't touch, don't touch though guys, Uno picturo, All right guys, get in there and enjoy your time, All of you, could be pro athletes one day, Especially you, you could, All right guys, have fun, Jake, Bernice Pope, Welcome, Thank you for setting this up Jake, Anything for Pope House, What you and Ladarius are doing is moving, I know what you're doing, Keeping kids off the streets, giving them inspiration, and autographed swag, you're the real saint, Are you trying to buy me out? No, I'm trying to do something good for your foundation, and for my community as a whole, [LAUGH.]
Cut the crap Tolis, I know my baby, and he will come back stronger than ever, but if he doesn't, all this is for nothing, Ladarius will be fine, I have an astrologer and a guru and a shaman, and they all say that this is just a bump in the road, a gift, in fact, The other side of adversity, Ssh, better be right, Better be right, Yeah, And find the mascot, He could be anywhere by now, Hell, he could even be in Fiji, [MUSIC.]
Blackjack, yes, [APPLAUSE.]
, Is crack still a thing? Does anyone know where I could get some? What the hell is this? This is me fixing our problem with Bernice, that's what I do I fix things, Wade, are you in or out? You're hovering, we talked about this, I choose in, I, I no, no, choose out, I specifically told you, and this comes directly from Alan, that you were to have no contact with Bernice, This looks like the complete opposite, This looks like contact, Jesus Dusty, It's called the Saints Care, Not the saints don't give a shit about poor kids, and a little good will won't hurt, Not until she's on 60 minutes talking about how you bribed her, Please, Anderson Cooper loves me, When he did his piece about Matterhorn, I swear, he wanted me, bad, Besides, this is a tax deductible charity event, which I will write off, Oh, okay, well, that's good to know, Mm-hm, You smile when she smiles? You get your periods at the same time too? Everyone, everyone please gather round, Come on, don't be shy, I just wanna say a few words about Pope House and the work of our tireless owner, Jake Tolis, who is a leader in our community and the sports world, And you know, when Jake came to me and told me that he wanted to take on a, a more active role in Pope House, I thought when does this amazing man have the time? I mean, is he gonna invent an extra hour in the day? [LAUGH.]
, But he cares so much that he said, I'll figure it out, So please welcome Pope House newest personal mentor Jake Tolis, [APPLAUSE.]
, I feel like I buried the lead, Jake get over here, Oh, Oh, come on, don't be shy, I'm embarrassed, No, Jake is a difference-maker, Not only with his time, but with his money, Way to go, Jake, And, he's way too modest to tell you this himself, So, I'll just say it, Come on, [INAUDIBLE.]
, Today, Jake is pledging $1 million to Pope House, [APPLAUSE.]
, [MUSIC.]
Oh my God! [APPLAUSE.]
[MUSIC.]
Thank you, [MUSIC.]
Hey, what the hell was that? That was me showing you the me way, No, you can't do that, You owe me a million dollars, and that's me showing you the Jake way, Fine, Then call Bernese and tell her you can't donate, because you need that money for private jet fuel and lube, first of all, lube is extremely cheap, and second of all, relax, I know what I'm doing, Really, Cuz the last time I checked attendance was down 31%, You know, and I feel like I lost something, Oh, a million dollars, Bernice wasn't gonna fall for some stupid photo of, okay? You're making things worse, Has anyone ever told you that when you're standing in a hole, you're equation to stop digging, Just put the shovel down and walk away, Well, your metaphor sucks, because I'm inside of a hole, Where can I walk to, In circles, inside of a hole, Shut up, Just shut up and stay in your hole, okay? You're gonna learn to work with me because you have to, Now if you'll excuse me I have a call my with my attorney, Can you believe some poor bastard married her? Good a woman [INAUDIBLE.]
Jake, [MUSIC.]
You've got to be kidding me, What? Donna, Donna what? Can now, Gum! Your, your orthodontist forbade gum, because of your a TMJ, Plus you only chew when you, Oh God, you started smoking again, No I haven't, What are you, Stop it! No, no let me smell your fingers, It's embarrassing, We quit together, okay, We, we had an oath, Nicotine no matter, Okay, fine, I am smoking again, I am sorry I lied to you but it's this horrible city, I mean, look, Really? Stripper nuns? It's because you're sad, I'm not sad, You've not been out once since you've been here, A, all you've done is stay in your room, o, order chicken wings, and watch Forensic Files, Okay, to be fair, I do that when I'm not depressed, Look, he's an instructor at SoulCycle, that you were married to for 27 months, I know that, which makes it so much more sad, Well, [LAUGH.]
, I married him, because he was hot and eco-friendly and he has an amazing Brazilian mix that was really uplifting, you know? I thought we were gonna have really cute babies, Now, instead, I'm just alone and babyless, And you know that everything could have been a lot simpler had you just taken the-, Wait, wait, I'm not in the mood for one of your lectures, about how I should have gotten a prenup, All right? I know that, I'm an idiot, Should have just been a fling, Hey, Maybe that's what you need, huh? I mean, come on, It's Vegas, Why don't you go, go put on some of your good make-up and get drunk, Make a mistake with someone, huh? But just this time don't, you know, marry him, Can I have a smoke? No, No, no, no, We need three-point shooters in my new system, billy cran, [INAUDIBLE.]
Like a burger joint, His back injury was mis-diagnosed, He retired at 31, He stayed fresh like his burgers, Could you guys just agree on something? Hey I'm on your side, I don't want you to look like a fool, Yeah I know I need this job, I don't want to be at home all day, It's the end of my marriage again, What's your big fix Sam, throw it inside to Artok and watch him dribble off his foot and out of bounds, Hey we should get one of these cool dunker guys, Huh, look at that, A 720 dunk, Who wouldn't pay to see that? Me, But they can't play, Who cares? It's fun to watch, Like a promotional thing, we'll have a halftime dunk competition, and the winner will get, a ten day contract, Track, Oh, I love the way I think, What about Crane, We need to see him, If he can help, Dunk contests and fast food workers, Man, I can't deal with this bullshit, I've got a meeting to go to, A golf meeting? Okay, fine, yeah, Your jaw's stocked into Detlef Schrempf, Maybe those guys'll come play for us, too, You can't cancel golf, we're in crisis mode, You can't cancel on Germany, Sam! I'm starting to get the impression that you're not fully invested in what we're doing here, [SOUND.]
My childhood hero is a dick, Okay, I changed my mind, I'm gonna go, [MUSIC.]
He didn't hear me, Without someone like you behind, System sucks, flat out sucks, All right, that's, that's extreme, It's true, You don't bullshit Billy, Yeah, it's Billy's Burgers, not Billy's Bullshit, Billy, you're gonna be asked if there's fire through this all night long, It'll be the Billy Show, Are you serious? Yep, And, this guy's not gonna yell at me? I'm not a big yeller, It's a good burger, Oh, it's my grandmother's recipe, thank you, Wha, what's, what's in here? You know, that's the secret, But, I'll, I'll tell you, It is veal sausage, cumin and then, I can't tell you the rest, [SOUND.]
Come on, [LAUGH.]
, Booming in there, So, so, what do you see? Are we gonna see Billy Perenez sans uniform? You know what? It sounds like very tempting, Yeah, But I have to say no, No, Yeah, I love this place when is working perfectly it's like well-rounded offense there's poetry to it, it's like running the team, you know, you gonna see the whole floor, you have to anticipate, I'm done with basketball burgers and fries are my picking roll this is my life, A Louis Vuitton bag, You would but a Louis Vuitton bag? Who you trying to impress, baggage handlers? Gah, it's a waste, Sorry guys, I gotta fresh batch of patties coming in and I have to put them in the fridge, You know, I hate when they get that weird brown stuff on the top, W, you, s, so Jake is not a guy who takes no for an answer, It's like his N-word, We have cash, A lot of cash, [MUSIC.]
You dropped this, Thanks, [MUSIC.]
Can I borrow one? [LAUGH.]
, God, I meet so many d-bags in this town, it's just shocking to meet someone who devotes their life to charity, The Pope House is my family, I love counseling those kids, I'm gonna miss them so much when I go to Mexico, [LAUGH.]
Jesus, You're a really good person, and just cute, What are you doing tonight? Maybe you want to grab a bite with this really good, cute person, [MUSIC.]
[SOUND.]
, You know, the first time I came to Vegas when I was 18, I thought I was all fancy so I brought these strapless, flowy gowns, I didn't realize it was a bunch of drunk frat boys and old people riding Rascals hooked up to oxygen, Not everyone is a, a total scumbag, Oh, no, no, no, no, I need a marker, Just ten grand, I was up 300, I can win it back, I have a three-team women's basketball parlay, I can't miss, I can't tell you the teams but you have to trust me, There you are, Hey, I tried you last night, and this morning, many times, Long night? Sorry, you smell like mom's special tea, My phone died, Allan rang, It seems that we have a bit of a crisis, Apparently at halftime tonight Jake is planning on staging, a a, a, a, a contest whereby the players emphatically throw the ball in through the hoop, much to the delight of the sodden fools in the crowd, It's called a slam dunk contest, Wade, Right, However, the chosen winner gets a ten-day contract to play for the Saints, What? [COUGH.]
, That's not happening, [MUSIC.]
What should we name them? Defrocked? No, God's Hot Bods, No, Oh, Nun Control, Yes, No, cuz now you're mixing religion and guns, Yeah, the same people like both of those things, Darius Pope is our star player, When he returns I want everything on feed, Okay, thank you very much ladies, I think, yep, we've seen enough, let's just, let's wrap that up, Okay, Thank you girls, Thank you, And remember, you're not real nuns, Of course, And what fun have you come to crush? Slam dunk contest, Hey, It's-, If we're gonna lose, at least we're going to be entertaining, Same flawless logic that allowed a meth-smoking lion to run over your star player, who, last I heard, is really depressed, Which I took care of, by the way, It's called Tinder, Tinder? I can't be on Tinder, man, I'm in a Gatorade commercial, Yeah, but at least up your Twitter game, My mom handles all my tweets, Trust me, I know, I follow you, it's a disaster, it's nothing but scripture and kittens, My mom loves cats and Jesus, man, And now, he's thrilled, His mom stopped tweeting for him, You cannot have a slam dunk contest to find a player, okay? Oh, okay? Yeah, Even you will like this, Check this out, Tryouts for the dunk contest, right now, Badoosh! Look at that, huh? Stripper nuns? Really? Can everything stop being about sex all the time? No, Cuz I really don't think it's great for your sex-addict coach, Hey, Doug is in recovery, I know for a fact he was at church last night, Whoo! [MUSIC.]
Yeah! Doug is bravely battling a very serious disease, And I've got to be honest, if you're going to get one, that is a good one to get, Oh, come on, really? A disease? Okay, don't be so judgmental, You live here long enough, some weird shit starts to happen, Yeah, you keep saying that, but it's not like it's some mysterious haunted ghost town, You know, you take a bunch of adults, take them out of their lives, You shove a bunch of tequila and drugs down their face and some stupid stuff happens, But just to be clear, not this guy, [MUSIC.]
Oh, shit, [MUSIC.]
Hey, is Jake coming down to judge this thing himself? I just really need to talk to Jake, How did this happen? I know you're mad at me, But you gotta vet people better, because that guy is seriously disturbed, Oh, thanks for that, Now he's loose in the arena, He was on the plane, All you had to do was watch him, He's very slippery, Yeah, I'm trusting you with some real important shit here, Ken, I know and I appreciate that, and mistakes are unacceptable and I promise to fix that, But in the meantime, punch me in the arm really hard, No, Okay, punch me in the head, No, As hard as you want, Oh, there he is, Hey Jake, [MUSIC.]
Hey, hey, Come here you little shit, Slow down, He's gonna kill me, Slow down you little prick, Hey, I wanna talk, I have more money, Don't make me chase you, Andy get over here, Andy get back here, [MUSIC.]
You've lost him twice now, Well you were with me, so technically we both lost him the second time, Oh, yeah, Is that offer still good on the punch? Oh, yeah, You relax, all right? You know what? I've talked to every pit boss, every hooker, every stripper, every drug dealer in town, And my security guys, are watching every inch of that footage, It's digital, you can't measure it, They're combing through every second of the tape, No, it's not tape, It's who cares? We're gonna find him, okay? Hey, Jake, Lookie lookie who we got here, What? This is Billy Crane, What's up, big, This is Kevin, He's in, Billy's gonna play tonight, Yes, Aw, thank you so much, Jake, I couldn't think of anything better than owning, and operating my own Billy's Burger, but owning and operating two? Wildest dreams, man, But, but there are, too, There will be, now that you're funding my new one, Yes, you're helping him expand his burger empire, [LAUGH.]
, Of course, of course, Yeah, of course, I love Billy's Burgers, They're the best, The Cardio Clogger, eight pieces of bacon, Yeah, You know what? You should, you should go nationwide, Why, I mean that sounds great, but I was thinking we need a Billy's in the arena, Oh Billy, that is a double yes with a side of absolutely, Billy, Yes, [MUSIC.]
Yeah, welcome aboard, man, And no more doubles for Billy, you dig? Yeah, yeah, [LAUGH.]
[MUSIC.]
Ow! [MUSIC.]
Maybe Vegas isn't so bad, Maybe I found the one nice person, Oh, well then, are you gonna see him again? Oh yeah! Oh? [LAUGH.]
I can't believe we ever quit, It, it, it's glorious, It's, it's social, We're talking, Oh, we're bonding? Yes, [MUSIC.]
Wait, Wait, You're the mascot, Wait, wait, Are you Jake's head assassin, like in the movies? No I'm Dusty, I'm with the league, You can trust me, Oh, Jake's thug is trying to kill me, No one is trying to kill you, Wait, were you talking to Jake? Not since he paid me to keep quiet, Cuz get this, I wasn't driving the Pope Mobile the night Ladarius got run over, It was Jake, What? He made me give him the costume, and let him drive, That guy has narcissistic tendencies, Yes, No kidding, And, he was wasted too, Then he paid me off to keep quiet, but I got tempted by the sweet rhythms of the blackjack table, I even have a picture, [MUSIC.]
Smoke? Do you have anything stronger than tobacco? Ladies and gentlemen, I'm in control, [NOISE.]
[MUSIC.]
All right, give it up for control, yes, Yes, [SOUND.]
Is available online, First of all, let's thank you guys for coming out, Let's give it up for everyone, who entered the dunk competition, How great? But I always say, there can only be one winner and then a whole bunch of losers, So, I'd like you to give a warm Sin City welcome to our newest Saint, Reevis, [APPLAUSE.]
Saint Reevis, It's got a good ring to it, We should make t-shirts, All right, you wanna show the crowd how you remix it up? Give me that ball, player, You wanna remix it up with the fans? You guys wanna see him remix it up? [MUSIC.]
[APPLAUSE.]
Yeah, When you're ready, Remix, [NOISE.]
It's good to be young and black, Hey, and now you're rich, yeah, All right, you guys give it up for the Saints, Gotta tell you, I didn't think it would be this easy, What's gonna happen to me? Well after the press paints he's a total pariah, Darius's mom will sue you, Allen will make a motion to take your team, They will be a vote, which I'm guessing will be unanimous to kick you out, Your hair will start thinning, you'll probably get a little pudgy around the tummy, All right, stop, stop, I didn't mean step by step, Look, I'm sorry, Does that count or help in any way? Not even a little, Now, and this'll be a new word for you, there will be consequences, Before you run and call Allen, I wanna tell the team myself, Fine, I'll wait until after the game, God, what am I gonna tell them? Start with the truth, [MUSIC.]
We been killing them on the boards tonight, Come on, Hey, good effort out there tonight guys, huh? But, we did still lose by nine, Which is sort of like a victory if you think about it, Hey, great first half by Billy Crane, Billy Crane, [APPLAUSE.]
, Thanks, guys, thanks, Hey, keep passing me the ball like that, Free burger coupons for you guys and fries for you, coach, Guys, honestly, we're going to win, Hey guys gather around, want to talk to you guys for a second [SOUND.]
I have, I have a confession to make, Okay? [SOUND.]
Everybody makes mistakes, and I am-, Jake, Not now, Now, What? [INAUDIBLE.]
, Are you serious? [INAUDIBLE.]
, [LAUGH.]
, Okay, and [COUGH.]
and I think mistakes are good, They're good, right? They're great, They're great because they help you get to a better place sometimes, and, and we're close to being in a better place, You understand? So tonight we lose by nine, tomorrow four, maybe sooner or later, we'll win by one or two, Two and half? Yeah, not possible, it doesn't even matter, okay? Who cares? [LAUGH.]
, All right, all right, you guys if you get drunk tonight, make sure to take a car service, okay? Because you're all millionaires, except for you white guy, [LAUGH.]
, [MUSIC.]
What the hell was that? Do your lips refuse to make the shapes necessary to tell the truth? No, no I love the truth, Huh? All right, Well, you know what, they'll just hear it from the press after I go to Alan, Oh, you're not gonna go to Alan, [LAUGH.]
yes I am, No you're not, Really, why? Kevin, So, at 357 this morning hotel security cameras captured this event, [MUSIC.]
So I was with the counselor from the charity, big deal, [LAUGH.]
, Is that some sort of crime? Actually it is, he's not a counselor, No he's in the charity, He's 17, Yeah, But he looks older, just like you, He does, [CROSSTALK.]
a little bit, The problem is, he's this many, [MUSIC.]
It's Vegas, Welcome, [MUSIC.]
Vegas, [MUSIC.]
I know you're mad at me, but you got to vet people better because that guy is seriously disturbed, Yeah thanks for that, now he's loose from the oh, shit, [LAUGH.]
, You'll be asked to please, You've got to ice your arm, [LAUGH.]
[MUSIC.]
Social, Bonding where did he go? Wait, wait, through the through the what? [MUSIC.]
I'm done with basketball, you know, besides, I [SOUND.]
up again, [LAUGH.]
, [MUSIC.]
Please don't, I didn't do shit,
The more you run, the more I'm gonna kill you when I get to you, you little prick, And I am gonna get you, I am gonna get you, Oh shit! [MUSIC.]
Viva Las Vegas mother fuckers! [MUSIC.]
Welcome to our Saints arena, Where's the spot that the mascot ran over Laderius? He smoked his ass, [SOUND.]
, Ooh! We don't need to focus on that, There he is, Thank you, There you go, Yes, yes, yes, my pleasure, [CROSSTALK.]
, There you go, man, Thank you, Wear that with pride, all right? Hey, buddy, I gotta talk to you when you get a second, Why are you so pale? You, you went to Fiji, right? You didn't go to the beach? I, I, it, it rained, Everyday it's Terri, it, up, I, I, I, I'll, I'll, I'll, okay I'll talk to you, Yeah, Hey, Ladarius, what's up? All right hey you guys want a picture with Ladarius huh? Yeah, You guys get in here, let's get a picture with Ladarius Pope, There he is! Hey look, it's Ladarius what's up? Let's get a picture, Five minutes and you're off your feet with these kids, All right guys, one photo, Let's go, don't touch, don't touch though guys, Uno picturo, All right guys, get in there and enjoy your time, All of you, could be pro athletes one day, Especially you, you could, All right guys, have fun, Jake, Bernice Pope, Welcome, Thank you for setting this up Jake, Anything for Pope House, What you and Ladarius are doing is moving, I know what you're doing, Keeping kids off the streets, giving them inspiration, and autographed swag, you're the real saint, Are you trying to buy me out? No, I'm trying to do something good for your foundation, and for my community as a whole, [LAUGH.]
Cut the crap Tolis, I know my baby, and he will come back stronger than ever, but if he doesn't, all this is for nothing, Ladarius will be fine, I have an astrologer and a guru and a shaman, and they all say that this is just a bump in the road, a gift, in fact, The other side of adversity, Ssh, better be right, Better be right, Yeah, And find the mascot, He could be anywhere by now, Hell, he could even be in Fiji, [MUSIC.]
Blackjack, yes, [APPLAUSE.]
, Is crack still a thing? Does anyone know where I could get some? What the hell is this? This is me fixing our problem with Bernice, that's what I do I fix things, Wade, are you in or out? You're hovering, we talked about this, I choose in, I, I no, no, choose out, I specifically told you, and this comes directly from Alan, that you were to have no contact with Bernice, This looks like the complete opposite, This looks like contact, Jesus Dusty, It's called the Saints Care, Not the saints don't give a shit about poor kids, and a little good will won't hurt, Not until she's on 60 minutes talking about how you bribed her, Please, Anderson Cooper loves me, When he did his piece about Matterhorn, I swear, he wanted me, bad, Besides, this is a tax deductible charity event, which I will write off, Oh, okay, well, that's good to know, Mm-hm, You smile when she smiles? You get your periods at the same time too? Everyone, everyone please gather round, Come on, don't be shy, I just wanna say a few words about Pope House and the work of our tireless owner, Jake Tolis, who is a leader in our community and the sports world, And you know, when Jake came to me and told me that he wanted to take on a, a more active role in Pope House, I thought when does this amazing man have the time? I mean, is he gonna invent an extra hour in the day? [LAUGH.]
, But he cares so much that he said, I'll figure it out, So please welcome Pope House newest personal mentor Jake Tolis, [APPLAUSE.]
, I feel like I buried the lead, Jake get over here, Oh, Oh, come on, don't be shy, I'm embarrassed, No, Jake is a difference-maker, Not only with his time, but with his money, Way to go, Jake, And, he's way too modest to tell you this himself, So, I'll just say it, Come on, [INAUDIBLE.]
, Today, Jake is pledging $1 million to Pope House, [APPLAUSE.]
, [MUSIC.]
Oh my God! [APPLAUSE.]
[MUSIC.]
Thank you, [MUSIC.]
Hey, what the hell was that? That was me showing you the me way, No, you can't do that, You owe me a million dollars, and that's me showing you the Jake way, Fine, Then call Bernese and tell her you can't donate, because you need that money for private jet fuel and lube, first of all, lube is extremely cheap, and second of all, relax, I know what I'm doing, Really, Cuz the last time I checked attendance was down 31%, You know, and I feel like I lost something, Oh, a million dollars, Bernice wasn't gonna fall for some stupid photo of, okay? You're making things worse, Has anyone ever told you that when you're standing in a hole, you're equation to stop digging, Just put the shovel down and walk away, Well, your metaphor sucks, because I'm inside of a hole, Where can I walk to, In circles, inside of a hole, Shut up, Just shut up and stay in your hole, okay? You're gonna learn to work with me because you have to, Now if you'll excuse me I have a call my with my attorney, Can you believe some poor bastard married her? Good a woman [INAUDIBLE.]
Jake, [MUSIC.]
You've got to be kidding me, What? Donna, Donna what? Can now, Gum! Your, your orthodontist forbade gum, because of your a TMJ, Plus you only chew when you, Oh God, you started smoking again, No I haven't, What are you, Stop it! No, no let me smell your fingers, It's embarrassing, We quit together, okay, We, we had an oath, Nicotine no matter, Okay, fine, I am smoking again, I am sorry I lied to you but it's this horrible city, I mean, look, Really? Stripper nuns? It's because you're sad, I'm not sad, You've not been out once since you've been here, A, all you've done is stay in your room, o, order chicken wings, and watch Forensic Files, Okay, to be fair, I do that when I'm not depressed, Look, he's an instructor at SoulCycle, that you were married to for 27 months, I know that, which makes it so much more sad, Well, [LAUGH.]
, I married him, because he was hot and eco-friendly and he has an amazing Brazilian mix that was really uplifting, you know? I thought we were gonna have really cute babies, Now, instead, I'm just alone and babyless, And you know that everything could have been a lot simpler had you just taken the-, Wait, wait, I'm not in the mood for one of your lectures, about how I should have gotten a prenup, All right? I know that, I'm an idiot, Should have just been a fling, Hey, Maybe that's what you need, huh? I mean, come on, It's Vegas, Why don't you go, go put on some of your good make-up and get drunk, Make a mistake with someone, huh? But just this time don't, you know, marry him, Can I have a smoke? No, No, no, no, We need three-point shooters in my new system, billy cran, [INAUDIBLE.]
Like a burger joint, His back injury was mis-diagnosed, He retired at 31, He stayed fresh like his burgers, Could you guys just agree on something? Hey I'm on your side, I don't want you to look like a fool, Yeah I know I need this job, I don't want to be at home all day, It's the end of my marriage again, What's your big fix Sam, throw it inside to Artok and watch him dribble off his foot and out of bounds, Hey we should get one of these cool dunker guys, Huh, look at that, A 720 dunk, Who wouldn't pay to see that? Me, But they can't play, Who cares? It's fun to watch, Like a promotional thing, we'll have a halftime dunk competition, and the winner will get, a ten day contract, Track, Oh, I love the way I think, What about Crane, We need to see him, If he can help, Dunk contests and fast food workers, Man, I can't deal with this bullshit, I've got a meeting to go to, A golf meeting? Okay, fine, yeah, Your jaw's stocked into Detlef Schrempf, Maybe those guys'll come play for us, too, You can't cancel golf, we're in crisis mode, You can't cancel on Germany, Sam! I'm starting to get the impression that you're not fully invested in what we're doing here, [SOUND.]
My childhood hero is a dick, Okay, I changed my mind, I'm gonna go, [MUSIC.]
He didn't hear me, Without someone like you behind, System sucks, flat out sucks, All right, that's, that's extreme, It's true, You don't bullshit Billy, Yeah, it's Billy's Burgers, not Billy's Bullshit, Billy, you're gonna be asked if there's fire through this all night long, It'll be the Billy Show, Are you serious? Yep, And, this guy's not gonna yell at me? I'm not a big yeller, It's a good burger, Oh, it's my grandmother's recipe, thank you, Wha, what's, what's in here? You know, that's the secret, But, I'll, I'll tell you, It is veal sausage, cumin and then, I can't tell you the rest, [SOUND.]
Come on, [LAUGH.]
, Booming in there, So, so, what do you see? Are we gonna see Billy Perenez sans uniform? You know what? It sounds like very tempting, Yeah, But I have to say no, No, Yeah, I love this place when is working perfectly it's like well-rounded offense there's poetry to it, it's like running the team, you know, you gonna see the whole floor, you have to anticipate, I'm done with basketball burgers and fries are my picking roll this is my life, A Louis Vuitton bag, You would but a Louis Vuitton bag? Who you trying to impress, baggage handlers? Gah, it's a waste, Sorry guys, I gotta fresh batch of patties coming in and I have to put them in the fridge, You know, I hate when they get that weird brown stuff on the top, W, you, s, so Jake is not a guy who takes no for an answer, It's like his N-word, We have cash, A lot of cash, [MUSIC.]
You dropped this, Thanks, [MUSIC.]
Can I borrow one? [LAUGH.]
, God, I meet so many d-bags in this town, it's just shocking to meet someone who devotes their life to charity, The Pope House is my family, I love counseling those kids, I'm gonna miss them so much when I go to Mexico, [LAUGH.]
Jesus, You're a really good person, and just cute, What are you doing tonight? Maybe you want to grab a bite with this really good, cute person, [MUSIC.]
[SOUND.]
, You know, the first time I came to Vegas when I was 18, I thought I was all fancy so I brought these strapless, flowy gowns, I didn't realize it was a bunch of drunk frat boys and old people riding Rascals hooked up to oxygen, Not everyone is a, a total scumbag, Oh, no, no, no, no, I need a marker, Just ten grand, I was up 300, I can win it back, I have a three-team women's basketball parlay, I can't miss, I can't tell you the teams but you have to trust me, There you are, Hey, I tried you last night, and this morning, many times, Long night? Sorry, you smell like mom's special tea, My phone died, Allan rang, It seems that we have a bit of a crisis, Apparently at halftime tonight Jake is planning on staging, a a, a, a, a contest whereby the players emphatically throw the ball in through the hoop, much to the delight of the sodden fools in the crowd, It's called a slam dunk contest, Wade, Right, However, the chosen winner gets a ten-day contract to play for the Saints, What? [COUGH.]
, That's not happening, [MUSIC.]
What should we name them? Defrocked? No, God's Hot Bods, No, Oh, Nun Control, Yes, No, cuz now you're mixing religion and guns, Yeah, the same people like both of those things, Darius Pope is our star player, When he returns I want everything on feed, Okay, thank you very much ladies, I think, yep, we've seen enough, let's just, let's wrap that up, Okay, Thank you girls, Thank you, And remember, you're not real nuns, Of course, And what fun have you come to crush? Slam dunk contest, Hey, It's-, If we're gonna lose, at least we're going to be entertaining, Same flawless logic that allowed a meth-smoking lion to run over your star player, who, last I heard, is really depressed, Which I took care of, by the way, It's called Tinder, Tinder? I can't be on Tinder, man, I'm in a Gatorade commercial, Yeah, but at least up your Twitter game, My mom handles all my tweets, Trust me, I know, I follow you, it's a disaster, it's nothing but scripture and kittens, My mom loves cats and Jesus, man, And now, he's thrilled, His mom stopped tweeting for him, You cannot have a slam dunk contest to find a player, okay? Oh, okay? Yeah, Even you will like this, Check this out, Tryouts for the dunk contest, right now, Badoosh! Look at that, huh? Stripper nuns? Really? Can everything stop being about sex all the time? No, Cuz I really don't think it's great for your sex-addict coach, Hey, Doug is in recovery, I know for a fact he was at church last night, Whoo! [MUSIC.]
Yeah! Doug is bravely battling a very serious disease, And I've got to be honest, if you're going to get one, that is a good one to get, Oh, come on, really? A disease? Okay, don't be so judgmental, You live here long enough, some weird shit starts to happen, Yeah, you keep saying that, but it's not like it's some mysterious haunted ghost town, You know, you take a bunch of adults, take them out of their lives, You shove a bunch of tequila and drugs down their face and some stupid stuff happens, But just to be clear, not this guy, [MUSIC.]
Oh, shit, [MUSIC.]
Hey, is Jake coming down to judge this thing himself? I just really need to talk to Jake, How did this happen? I know you're mad at me, But you gotta vet people better, because that guy is seriously disturbed, Oh, thanks for that, Now he's loose in the arena, He was on the plane, All you had to do was watch him, He's very slippery, Yeah, I'm trusting you with some real important shit here, Ken, I know and I appreciate that, and mistakes are unacceptable and I promise to fix that, But in the meantime, punch me in the arm really hard, No, Okay, punch me in the head, No, As hard as you want, Oh, there he is, Hey Jake, [MUSIC.]
Hey, hey, Come here you little shit, Slow down, He's gonna kill me, Slow down you little prick, Hey, I wanna talk, I have more money, Don't make me chase you, Andy get over here, Andy get back here, [MUSIC.]
You've lost him twice now, Well you were with me, so technically we both lost him the second time, Oh, yeah, Is that offer still good on the punch? Oh, yeah, You relax, all right? You know what? I've talked to every pit boss, every hooker, every stripper, every drug dealer in town, And my security guys, are watching every inch of that footage, It's digital, you can't measure it, They're combing through every second of the tape, No, it's not tape, It's who cares? We're gonna find him, okay? Hey, Jake, Lookie lookie who we got here, What? This is Billy Crane, What's up, big, This is Kevin, He's in, Billy's gonna play tonight, Yes, Aw, thank you so much, Jake, I couldn't think of anything better than owning, and operating my own Billy's Burger, but owning and operating two? Wildest dreams, man, But, but there are, too, There will be, now that you're funding my new one, Yes, you're helping him expand his burger empire, [LAUGH.]
, Of course, of course, Yeah, of course, I love Billy's Burgers, They're the best, The Cardio Clogger, eight pieces of bacon, Yeah, You know what? You should, you should go nationwide, Why, I mean that sounds great, but I was thinking we need a Billy's in the arena, Oh Billy, that is a double yes with a side of absolutely, Billy, Yes, [MUSIC.]
Yeah, welcome aboard, man, And no more doubles for Billy, you dig? Yeah, yeah, [LAUGH.]
[MUSIC.]
Ow! [MUSIC.]
Maybe Vegas isn't so bad, Maybe I found the one nice person, Oh, well then, are you gonna see him again? Oh yeah! Oh? [LAUGH.]
I can't believe we ever quit, It, it, it's glorious, It's, it's social, We're talking, Oh, we're bonding? Yes, [MUSIC.]
Wait, Wait, You're the mascot, Wait, wait, Are you Jake's head assassin, like in the movies? No I'm Dusty, I'm with the league, You can trust me, Oh, Jake's thug is trying to kill me, No one is trying to kill you, Wait, were you talking to Jake? Not since he paid me to keep quiet, Cuz get this, I wasn't driving the Pope Mobile the night Ladarius got run over, It was Jake, What? He made me give him the costume, and let him drive, That guy has narcissistic tendencies, Yes, No kidding, And, he was wasted too, Then he paid me off to keep quiet, but I got tempted by the sweet rhythms of the blackjack table, I even have a picture, [MUSIC.]
Smoke? Do you have anything stronger than tobacco? Ladies and gentlemen, I'm in control, [NOISE.]
[MUSIC.]
All right, give it up for control, yes, Yes, [SOUND.]
Is available online, First of all, let's thank you guys for coming out, Let's give it up for everyone, who entered the dunk competition, How great? But I always say, there can only be one winner and then a whole bunch of losers, So, I'd like you to give a warm Sin City welcome to our newest Saint, Reevis, [APPLAUSE.]
Saint Reevis, It's got a good ring to it, We should make t-shirts, All right, you wanna show the crowd how you remix it up? Give me that ball, player, You wanna remix it up with the fans? You guys wanna see him remix it up? [MUSIC.]
[APPLAUSE.]
Yeah, When you're ready, Remix, [NOISE.]
It's good to be young and black, Hey, and now you're rich, yeah, All right, you guys give it up for the Saints, Gotta tell you, I didn't think it would be this easy, What's gonna happen to me? Well after the press paints he's a total pariah, Darius's mom will sue you, Allen will make a motion to take your team, They will be a vote, which I'm guessing will be unanimous to kick you out, Your hair will start thinning, you'll probably get a little pudgy around the tummy, All right, stop, stop, I didn't mean step by step, Look, I'm sorry, Does that count or help in any way? Not even a little, Now, and this'll be a new word for you, there will be consequences, Before you run and call Allen, I wanna tell the team myself, Fine, I'll wait until after the game, God, what am I gonna tell them? Start with the truth, [MUSIC.]
We been killing them on the boards tonight, Come on, Hey, good effort out there tonight guys, huh? But, we did still lose by nine, Which is sort of like a victory if you think about it, Hey, great first half by Billy Crane, Billy Crane, [APPLAUSE.]
, Thanks, guys, thanks, Hey, keep passing me the ball like that, Free burger coupons for you guys and fries for you, coach, Guys, honestly, we're going to win, Hey guys gather around, want to talk to you guys for a second [SOUND.]
I have, I have a confession to make, Okay? [SOUND.]
Everybody makes mistakes, and I am-, Jake, Not now, Now, What? [INAUDIBLE.]
, Are you serious? [INAUDIBLE.]
, [LAUGH.]
, Okay, and [COUGH.]
and I think mistakes are good, They're good, right? They're great, They're great because they help you get to a better place sometimes, and, and we're close to being in a better place, You understand? So tonight we lose by nine, tomorrow four, maybe sooner or later, we'll win by one or two, Two and half? Yeah, not possible, it doesn't even matter, okay? Who cares? [LAUGH.]
, All right, all right, you guys if you get drunk tonight, make sure to take a car service, okay? Because you're all millionaires, except for you white guy, [LAUGH.]
, [MUSIC.]
What the hell was that? Do your lips refuse to make the shapes necessary to tell the truth? No, no I love the truth, Huh? All right, Well, you know what, they'll just hear it from the press after I go to Alan, Oh, you're not gonna go to Alan, [LAUGH.]
yes I am, No you're not, Really, why? Kevin, So, at 357 this morning hotel security cameras captured this event, [MUSIC.]
So I was with the counselor from the charity, big deal, [LAUGH.]
, Is that some sort of crime? Actually it is, he's not a counselor, No he's in the charity, He's 17, Yeah, But he looks older, just like you, He does, [CROSSTALK.]
a little bit, The problem is, he's this many, [MUSIC.]
It's Vegas, Welcome, [MUSIC.]
Vegas, [MUSIC.]
I know you're mad at me, but you got to vet people better because that guy is seriously disturbed, Yeah thanks for that, now he's loose from the oh, shit, [LAUGH.]
, You'll be asked to please, You've got to ice your arm, [LAUGH.]
[MUSIC.]
Social, Bonding where did he go? Wait, wait, through the through the what? [MUSIC.]
I'm done with basketball, you know, besides, I [SOUND.]
up again, [LAUGH.]
, [MUSIC.]
Please don't, I didn't do shit,