Single Long (2012) s01e02 Episode Script

1
All right, Ayla's,
like, two minutes away.
Are we ready to go here?
Yeah, just about.
I gotta finish
packing up
so I can run outta here
when this is over.
My brothers!
What's going on in here?
Hey! Cleaning up
for this interview
with a writer chick.
Does she know
she's the only one
getting interviewed?
She does not, and we
gotta keep it that way.
Great. Awesome.
So Pete's trying
to impress her,
so we're keeping it as
professional as possible,
which means I've gotta
be here, which means
I'm gonna be late
for our very first
Single Long client.
Who is paying us,
by the way.
I just would you cool it
with this weird grudge
- you have with Ayla?
- Have you picked up on that?
Have you picked up
on how pissed I am
about this whole thing?
(door buzzes)
Noah:
Hello!
- Hi, it's Ayla.
- Aylaaaa.
It's so nice to meet you.
This is Noah.
I'm living with Isaac
right now and it's, uh
- Dude, just buzz her in!
- Okay. One moment, Ayla!
- Pete: Hey!
Good to see you again!
- Hi! Hi. Hi!
- Hey.
- Hi. Hey, Isaac.
- Yeah, crazy.
- Yeah, how are you?
- Pretty good.
- Cool. This is weird.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- How are ya?
- Good.
Pete:
Okay, so we're
in the living room.
- Okay.
- So why don't we just
come through here?
- Sure.
- Just follow me
down the hallway.
- Yeah.
- So good that you're here.
- (Ayla laughs) Thanks.
- Absolutely.
Pete:
Okay, let's go ahead
and get you set up
right over here.
- Go ahead, take a seat.
- Okay, the interview.
- Yes, right.
- I already blew one
of the interviewers.
Don't I just get
the job for free?
Uh, I don't think so.
Uh, do you want some
water or something?
- Oh, no, I'm good, thanks.
- You're good? Okay, great.
Yeah.
Okay, great.
So, Ayla, uh,
you know me, I'm Isaac.
- You know Pete, he's Pete.
- Hello.
We're starting a website
called Single Long
dating website in Chicago
run by a photographer
and an unemployed dude.
- Pete: Right.
- Single Long's the name
of the website?
- Isaac: Yeah, Single Long.
- Single. Long.
- Two words.
- Single like a sing-along.
Oh, my God, I just got it.
That's awesome.
- Yeah, okay, great.
- Single Long.
Uh, now, Pete here
thinks that we need
a chick comedy writer
so that the site isn't
- Ayla: Okay.
- Female comedy writer.
- run by all dudes.
- Mm-hmm.
And he's invited you,
and my question is:
what makes you
the ideal candidate
for Single Long,
aside from the chick thing?
- So this is the interview?
- Yeah.
- We started.
- Yeah. No pressure.
Okay, cool.
I'm so bad at interviews.
- That's okay.
- I am the ideal candidate
for Single Long
because, um,
you know, I've been
thinking about it
'cause this is what
I wanna do now, you know?
I think what it is,
is like
it's hard, I mean, for me
to express myself, you know?
I have a hard time
communicating with others,
because there's, like,
so many, like, big, heavy,
like, intimidating things
in life, you know,
that it's hard to talk about.
No one talks about it.
And so everyone's just
a little bit lonelier
because of it.
But, like, comedy's
the one thing
that, like, strips
all that naked,
and it's naked now
so you can laugh at it,
you know?
You can just be honest
about things you can laugh at.
I'm sorry, that was
probably too much.
- No!
- It was, uh it was
not a funny answer.
- Are you single?
- Um
you know,
I am single now.
I am. I would say,
yeah, I'm single.
- I am single.
- Pete: So we should
put that as single.
Yeah, single.
Yeah, I'm single, so
- Yes, you are single.
- Yeah.
Well, I think
maybe you're hired?
- Hired! Hey!
- Ayla: Oh, my God!
- Yes! Yes!
So excited to have you!
- Wow! That is so exciting!
- Pete: Congratulations!
- That's the whole interview?
- Yeah.
- That's what you kept
me here for?
- We got what we needed.
- Great. Okay, well,
I am late.
And, uh, fuck you.
And, uh, it was weird
seeing you again,
and this whole thing
was just fucked.
Yeah.
It's no secret
that you've had a bad day,
dear friend ♪
(vocalizing)
Whoa-oh-oh-ohh. ♪
What's the point?
Isaac:
The point?
Uh, the point is
to make you
a cool dating profile.
This video,
I'll edit it down
and present you
to the world.
So, just talk?
Yeah. Uh, okay, I'll
I'll prompt you.
Um, why don't you start
with a bad ex-boyfriend
experience?
What is the opposite of
what you're looking for now?
Does that make sense?
(laughs)
Um, I dated a guy
with a porn addiction once.
Like, a legit addiction.
Like, the first time
we hooked up,
um, he was on my counter
and I was giving him
a handy-j and it wouldn't end.
Um, so I just keep
on going
and my hand's getting tired,
so I stop.
And I'm like, "Yo, dude,
seriously, what's up?
My hand's getting tired."
And he smiles
and is like, "Well, you have
two hands, don't you?"
And I'm like, "I'm not
fucking left-handed, dude!"
Uh, Miranda?
Uh, I don't think
that's the best story
to put on
your dating profile.
- What do you mean?
- I don't think I'm gonna use
any of what you
just said. At all.
- Like any of it.
- Do I make you
uncomfortable?
You do not make me
uncomfortable. No.
I am very open-minded.
I was totally digging
yeah, I was totally digging
what you were saying.
(stammers)
That's me, though.
Uh, as far
as other guys go?
You know, we're talking
first impressions here,
so, maybe not,
"Hey, I'm Miranda.
One time I squoze
a guy's dick really hard."
You saying you dug me?
L-let's just keep going.
Let's just keep going.
Yeah, yeah.
Ayla:
Thank you.
Sure, yeah.
Hey, listen.
Since we're gonna
be writing together,
I was thinking that
maybe it'd be fun
to hang out
a little bit,
maybe get to
know each other?
- Yeah, sure.
That sounds like fun.
- No way, awesome!
- Yeah, sure, totally!
- What're you doing now?
I'm actually
going to check out a room
I might sublet, so
Oh, so you're
you're moving?
I mean, that's the goal.
Like, I I just gotta
find a place.
- Sure.
- I am literally
I am bouncing between
a friend's couch
and my brother's couch
and I have no time
to masturbate.
Like, I don't get
10 minutes alone.
So I think that's what's
driving this search.
You know,
the first thing I look for
in an apartment
is a safe place to m
- Yeah, y-yeah.
- To
Yeah, if you can
jack off safely,
it's home, right?
Uh
Anyway, um
so, um
you're more than welcome
to join me if you want
just a place
on craigslist I found.
Ooh, craigslist?
Really?
I know, I know, yeah.
It'll be fun.
Well, great. I'll
I'll come along, then.
I mean,
if that's you said,
if that's cool.
- I mean, sure.
- Yeah?
If you have nothing
else you wanna do today.
No, nothing.
I'm pretty much free.
Yeah?
Okay.
All right, come on!
Okay, great.
Awesome, excellent!
Let's just get
after you.
- Okay, thanks.
- All right.
- Make a day of it.
- Ayla: All right.
But all of a sudden
when I'm on my period,
it's like
I'm a fucking leper.
I mean, like, can't we
all be adults here?
Menstrual fluid
is a natural thing
that happens to everyone,
and if you can't accept some
Uh, can we hold on
can we hold on one second?
- What?
- Um,
you just gave me
a 15-minute angry
girl rant.
Like like, just
that was just a lot
of angry girl shit.
It's not really
interesting to say,
"Hey, I'm Miranda,
and I'm fucking
pissed at men."
- It's just not charming.
- I can't believe
you said that!
Could you just tell me
something positive?
- Just any kind
of positive thing.
- Fuck this.
You're a fucking
misogynist.
I'm a no.
A misogynist?
Hold on, hold on.
I'm not a
I'm not doing a video
for a stupid website
that wants me to fucking
act pretty and
- Hey!
- and flirt
with the camera.
Fuck this.
I'm fucking out.
We're massively
miscommunicating.
I'm not a misogynist.
- Sure, right.
- Yeah, no, all I'm asking
all I'm saying is that
if you said something positive
about men for the website,
then it would be,
like, a compromise.
You don't have
to Borg yourself
on the Internet.
What do you do when
your girl's on her period?
What do you mean?
Have you ever done it
with a girl on her
period before?
Yeah, yeah, yes!
I'm an adult!
Yes, I've had girlfriends!
- I don't believe you.
- Well, that's not fair,
because I can't
prove it to you.
I'm on mine right now.
I'm on my period
right now.
Hi!
I'm, um I'm Ayla.
I called about the place.
I'm Molly.
Who's he?
- Hi, how's it going?
- Oh, this is
this is Pete.
He's just
tagging along.
On rape protection?
- No, I
- No.
It's funny,
'cause we're not even
No, we're not
it's not like that at all.
- Can't believe
- I don't really care.
You guys
wanna come in?
Sure, sure, yeah.
Totally.
Pete:
See what's there.
(coughs)
Sorry.
(couple arguing faintly)
Sorry the place
is kind of a mess.
- Oh, no, no, no.
- No, I didn't even notice.
- Um
- (arguing grows louder)
so, uh,
who else lives here?
Oh, them?
That's Derrick and Jackie.
They're always fighting
about some bullshit.
I don't know.
He does ultimate fighting.
Oh. Wow.
Wow.
(fighting intensifies)
Um, so uh, yeah.
Where where
would be my room?
Down that way.
You can check it out.
The guy who lived there
moved out two weeks ago.
I don't think Molly
likes me very much.
This place smells rank.
Ayla:
Oh, my God!
Oh, shit!
Is that thing alive?
Oh!
Yeah, I think so.
I think it is!
Pete:
Ayla, don't don't go
near that thing.
Derrick:
Listen to me!
They're crazy!
They're gonna fuckin' get us!
You have to listen to me!
Jackie:
You drive me crazy!
Go, stand over there!
Stand over there.
Up, over there!
Stop it, stand up!
Put your arms up! Okay.
Isaac: Okay.
- Sorry.
- Don't touch me,
you fucking creep!
Stay there.
Shit.
If I poke you in the eye,
that's your fault.
That's your fucking fault.
Okay.
Perfect, great!
Thanks so much.
Okay shh, shh shh shh.
Stop that.
What are you doing?
Here we go,
here we go, here we go!
(vocalizing)
- Boom, boom, boom!
- (Isaac grunting)
Ow, ow, ow.
Oww!
Ow!
Everybody go,
"Shh shh shh shh."
Hello!
Who's that?
They're everywhere!
If there's one, there's
a fucking queen, okay?!
- They're not smart!
They're ants!
- Oh, my God.
There's a fucking
queen somewhere,
and she's making fun of us!
She's eating our crumbs!
Jackie:
No, just buy
those traps!
- She's eating
our fucking crumbs!
- Just buy those traps!
- Just buy the traps!
Buy the ant traps!
- They're too smart!
- No, they're not smart!
- They're too smart
for the traps!
- Is he saying "ants"?
- Uh, yeah, I think so.
You think this
is gonna do it?
You think doing this
you think doing this
Baby, that's it!
(door opens, closes)
(exhales)
Ah.
Oh, Jesus.
Oh.
Ugh, I'm never
gonna find a place.
I'm never gonna
find a place.
I'm gonna be homeless
and I'm just gonna live
on the street.
Whoa, hey, hey, hey.
Come on, think about it
this way.
It's not possible
to find anywhere worse
than the place
we just saw, right?
Right?
So you're at rock bottom,
but you've got nowhere
to go but up.
No, that's not even true.
Rock bottom would be
moving in with my parents.
That is true.
That would be
a lot worse.
"Hey, Maamaan, I'm sorry
I didn't go to med school,
but stand-up comedy's
really fun!"
(chuckles)
Seriously, thanks
for coming out today.
I would've died.
I would've been dead
in that apartment.
Well, don't worry about it.
It was my pleasure,
and it's gonna make
a good story.
Right, right.
Uh, speaking of which,
actually,
with all that excitement
back at the apartment,
I was thinking maybe
we should go grab
a late lunch.
- What do you say?
- I can't. I'm sorry.
I gotta pick up
some of my shit
from Joe's place.
- Joe is
- Fuck, what time is it?
- Um, Joe
- a friend?
Yeah. Shit, I have
a missed call.
I'm sorry. Um, yeah,
we're still friends.
Um, is it cool
if I just hang out here,
give him a call,
and just head out from here?
No, yeah,
totally, totally fine.
I will
get going that way,
where I live, and
- Eat alone?
- Eat
well, eat something.
I got some leftovers
I can reheat.
- (Ayla laughs) Okay.
- So, I will see you
- in the future.
- Yeah!
In the the the
the soon future.
- Yes.
- Okay.
Thank you, writing buddy.
I'll see you around.
Writing buddy.
(music playing)
There you are,
an open heart ♪
An open part ♪
Hey. Yeah, yeah,
I'm coming now.
I just had to, um,
check out a place.
Yeah, I'll pick up
my stuff right now.
I know that's
where I went wrong ♪
Now you're a ghost,
maybe justified ♪
I had something
to hide ♪
If you were
open once. ♪