Single White Spenny (2011) s01e02 Episode Script
Mothers
I think I'm coughing up chunks of my lung.
Anyone else would cancel.
But I showed up because I have a lunch date with my mother and I care about her feelings.
My mother? She cares about the free lunch.
I'm starving.
I don't think I can do this.
Why not? Why not? Look at me.
I'm dying.
But I rushed to get over here.
Rushed? You're forty minutes late.
This is exactly what Schieiderman, my therapist, was talking about.
He said your constant complaining is killing my ability to be happy.
You, Spencer, are killing my happy.
I'm just not feeling well and I'm trying to let you know.
Did it ever occur to you how that makes me feel? No.
Which is why Schniederman suggested this.
An egg timer? It's a happy protector.
It limits the amount of time I have to listen to your whining.
I'm not whining, I'm trying to tell you how I feel, so I can get some sympathy.
Is that too much to ask? No, of course not, darling.
You have one minute.
Go.
What- Fifty-five seconds.
Fifty seconds, I'm just saying.
Wasting time on the coughing.
My name is Spenny.
I've been accused of being an emotionally-stunted manchild.
Incapable of having a functional relationship.
All I really want is to find love.
Is that such a crime? Ugh Phil, what are you doing? Hi, Spenny, I was just thinking about you.
I'm too sick to figure out what that means.
I've got a genital rash, it's fungal.
I think I may be allergic to latex.
Why are you telling me this? I think I may have given it to your mother when we were dating.
And since we don't- Oh, just a sec- And since we don't really speak anymore, would you mind, ugh, would you mind mentioning to her that she might want to get her, uh, muffin checked.
You want me to talk to my mother about her muffin? Is that awkward? Phil, get out of my way before I vomit all over you.
Maybe I'll, uh, text her.
You poor thing, you're white as a ghost.
Are you an angel? Come with me.
To heaven? Sit over here.
I'm Elly.
Oh, you're burning up.
Do you have someone who can take care of you? A girlfriend, a wife? How 'bout a mother? She's just the lady that I go to lunch with sometimes.
I live just around the corner.
I'll bring the car to the front, meet me outside, dear.
You're gonna take me to your house? ### ### The first thing I'm gonna do is get you into bed.
Remember I'm sick, so go easy on me.
Now, let's get those clothes off mister.
Hello? Chelsea, I'm about to have sex with a woman the same age as my mother.
Is that wrong? ### Spenny, seeing you so weak and sickly reminds me of my Morty.
Morty? Who's Morty? My husband.
He's dead.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
So how should we do this? We have choices? I only ask because Morty liked it the old fashioned way.
Well, if it's good enough for old Morty.
Get on your tummy, dear.
That's interesting.
So what is it about this position Morty liked so much? The surprise.
Oh, my.
After she took the thermometer out of my bum, it got a little weird.
That's when it got weird? She made me a delicious homemade soup, gave me a hot bath, and then tucked me in for the night, and gave me this.
What is that? I think she called it a blankie.
Oh, my god.
What? She mothered you! Mothered me? What's that? Mothered.
Didn't Shelia ever tickle you when you were scared or kiss you when you had a boo-boo? What's a boo-boo? Last night when you were with Elly you were with the mother you never had.
My blankie.
I always suspected that I was under-mothered- But was it possible that I was no-mothered? Lunch two days in a row? I'm not complaining, Spencer, but if you want to see me more often, I'll have to discuss it with Dr.
Schniederman.
He already thinks you're too needy.
I'm not gonna keep you long, I just have some of questions.
Okay.
Do you know what a boo-boo is? Can you use it in a sentence? No.
Oh.
I can't.
When I was young, a little boy, did you ever dote on me? Mama! Oh, Spencer, what does it matter? I don't even remember who I did last night.
You know, speaking of last night, I had a very unusual experience.
I felt feelings that I'd never felt before.
It was, it was odd.
It was almost as if someone actually cared about me.
Hold it.
Start again from the feelings thing.
You have one minute.
Go.
Oh, Spenny.
Hi.
I was in the neighborhood and, uh, I just wanted to thank you for last night and return this.
Oh.
I snuggled with it all last night so you might want to scrapbook it or something.
Well- Guess I should be going.
It's brisket.
Then I should probably let you get back to it, there's nothing worse than a dry brisket.
Oh, my brisket is never dry.
Moist and juicy, so much better that way.
So much better.
So you can't stay for dinner? ### I can stay forever! I'm cheating on my mother! I can't keep seeing Elly behind Sheila's back.
The guilt- It's eating me alive inside.
So stop.
It's not that easy.
I'm experiencing new smells, butterfly kisses.
Last night we ate smores and watched The Wizard of Oz.
By the way that's a fantastic movie! Have you ever heard of it? Everybody's heard of it.
Everybody's heard of it? Damn you, Sheila! Spenny, don't torture yourself.
Everybody deserves a mother.
Go! Enjoy your freaky relationship.
Wait a minute, what's gonna happen when Sheila finds out? It's gonna destroy her! Knowing Sheila, I wouldn't get too worked up over it.
You know what, you're confusing me.
I gotta do the right thing.
I'm gonna come clean.
I'm gonna tell her everything! Even better, I'm gonna introduce her to Elly.
Spenny, you don't have to do this.
I'm not going behind my mother's back anymore.
For the first time I know what it means to be mothered and it's about time she figured it out.
I'm proud of you.
Now sit up straight.
You're right.
Good posture is important.
Spencer, what's the matter with your back, you look stiff.
Sheila, I'd like you to meet Elly.
On chante.
On chante? Now mother, what I'm about to tell you is the most difficult thing I've ever had to tell anyone.
Mother! What I'm about to tell you is the most difficult thing I've ever told anyone in my entire life.
I'm drawing on all my faith just to get through it.
You can at least pay attention.
Do you think the sea bass is wild or farmed? Because farmed they swim in their own feces.
What are you gonna have? Not the sea bass.
So, Spenny, you were saying.
Elly and I, we have a relationship and it's moving forward at a very fast pace and we thought it was only fair for us to tell you.
Are you taking piano lessons? She's not my piano teacher.
Elly and I are seeing each other as mother and son.
Elly cherishes me, she fusses over me.
She makes me wash my hands after I go doodie.
She's everything that you're not! There, I said it.
Is this true? Have you been mothering Spencer behind my back? Only because he's not getting it at home.
I see.
Well, uh, clearly there's one too many mothers here.
Oh, and when Spencer was breastfeeding, he used his teeth.
The marks around my nipples have never healed.
I hope he goes easier on you.
That actually went easier than I thought it would.
Maybe Schneiderman's not such a nutcase after all.
DING! Ow! What was that?! An egg timer? ### Oh, no.
Whore mother! Is this normal, human mother behaviour? I actually don't know.
All those years with Sheila, wasted! Gone forever! When I started crawling I should have crawled out the front door and never looked back.
Aw, I'll make up for the lost times, I promise.
How 'bout tomorrow we go to the zoo? You know I've never been to the zoo.
Bad news, it's getting worse.
It feels like I'm on fire.
Can I borrow that ice pack? Thanks, thanks.
Oh oh oh, ah.
You can keep that.
Thanks.
How did Sheila take the news about her muffin? Oh, it's awkward, I understand.
Oh, is that chicken in a pot? You like it? Like it? Whatever you did to that chicken is making my nostrils flare.
Spenny, aren't you going to introduce me to your nice friend? Elly, this is Phil.
Truly charmed.
Perhaps Phil would like to join us for dinner.
Actually that's not going to be happening because, uh, I have plans.
Plans? You didn't mention you had plans.
Where are you going? Out.
Who with? Jasmine, I have a date with Jasmine.
You, you never mentioned her before.
I have to mention things? This is uh, what I do.
I worry.
Since when is worrying a crime? Yeah, Spenny, since when is worrying a crime? Shut up, Phil! Spenny, go on your date with your special Jasmine.
I'll have to live with the satisfaction of knowing even though you never mention it, you appreciate all the hours I spent cooking and cleaning and washing.
Not to mention the sewing and the baking and the washing the car.
All right.
Let's eat.
No, please.
Don't stay on my account.
I, I'm included in this right? Well, these are going back.
Hello? Hello, Jessica? Yeah, speaking.
Hi, it's Sheila, Spencer's actual mom.
Not the harlot he's currently seeing.
Uh, tell me dear, where is that place where people go and look things up on the computer.
Usually it's porn.
You mean the internet? How does it work? Well, type in whatever fetish you're into and something will come up.
I think for the first time in my life I'm being over-mothered.
Maybe you should run away from home.
I'm telling you, Chelsea, she's a great mother, but last night Elly gave me a twenty minute time out.
You know why? Cause I rolled my eyes.
You wanted a mother, now you got one.
You're gonna live under her roof, you're gonna live under her rules.
What am I saying? Now I'm buying into this multiple mom disorder? Coming, Elly! Oh, it's you.
Okay, I don't blame you for being disappointed in me, but things are going to be better now, my little Spencil.
Do you actually think you can come in here dressed like a cupie doll and erase a lifetime of narcissistic parental neglect? I'm being a mother.
Eat something, you are so thin.
You sound like an insincere robot.
I think you should leave.
I'm a fighter.
I fought for your father and I'm gonna fight for you.
You gave him two nervous breakdowns and bankrupted him.
The man was weak, but I'm not going anywhere.
Strap yourself in, mommy's in the house.
I'm proud of you, Spencer.
Are you really? Get out.
I can't believe Sheila's actually fighting for me.
And Elly isn't going anywhere.
I think I might have two mothers.
### ### Elly, Elly! Watch me! Oh, I'm watching, I'm watching! Look at you! Oh my goodness! Look at that! Aw, sweetie.
And everyone had a very good time and lived merrily ever after.
### I modeled for that cake.
Does it take you back? ### ### Spenny, I mean this in the nicest possible way, but you're turning into a fat pig.
I know.
What am I gonna do? Sheila feeds me eight times a day and Elly doesn't like me to eat on an empty stomach.
Look at me.
I can't even fit into my stretchy pants.
If I wanna look at my penis I've got to lie down in front of a mirror.
You know what's happening to me? I'm being over-mothered! Well, what are you gonna do about it? One of them has to go.
Hello, Spencer.
Elly, Sheila, thank you for coming.
You've both been model mothers, but unfortunately I only need one mother so it's gonna come down to this test.
The first section is a multiple choice, general Spenny questions, anxieties, birthmarks, dates, and so on and so forth.
The second part is an essay question entitled "Why I would make the best mother for Spenny?" Any questions? No! Okay, very well then.
Good luck to both of you, may the best mother win.
You have one hour.
### ### ### ### Thank you, Elly.
Wow You really do know me.
We'll have a big dinner to celebrate.
What if Shelia scores higher? I'll see ya at seven.
### I'm done.
Mom, you didn't answer any of the questions.
Aw, forget it, Spencer, it's too hard.
Do you want some more time? Some hints.
Nobody has to know.
Spencer, you belong with her.
I know it, you know it, and god knows she knows it.
I think it's time to say goodbye now.
Bye.
Mom- Don't I get a goodbye hug? Uh, uh, up, up! The hair, sweetie, the hair.
Bye, mommy.
Oh, Spenny, you're early, I told you to come at seven.
Come back in a hour, I'll, I'l tidy up.
And dinner will be ready, okay sweetie? Smells delicious.
What are we having? Brisket? Phil? Hey, Spenny! Guess what? Rash free.
Turns out little' Phil was allergic to fabric softener.
So no need to mention this to Sheila after all.
Why is Phil here eating my brisket and wearing your robe? Phil's such a charming boy, he doesn't have to be told twice and he's a good eater.
Are you Mothering Phil?? It's not just the mothering, Spen.
I'm in for the full package.
Are you telling me that you've had sex with both of my mothers?! Yeah.
What are the odds? How could Elly do this to me? I don't want Phil's gravy-stained hands all over my new mother.
I can't believe this is happening.
And I can't believe how short Phil's robe is.
You're right! The rash did clear up.
and a filthy martini.
This is unbelievable! You don't even know how old I am! I ball-parked it.
Listen, Spencer, mothering is more than just knowing your son's age.
It's more about- I'm sorry, drawing a blank.
You know what, it doesn't matter.
We're stuck together.
Spencer, I may be a lousy mother, but I'm your mother.
And I'll do my best to be there for you.
You know, that's all I ever wanted.
See, I can learn.
What can I do to become a better mommy? There's a lot of things, really.
Like, when I call you, it would be nice if you ask me how I was once in a while.
That would be good.
Make it fast.
###
Anyone else would cancel.
But I showed up because I have a lunch date with my mother and I care about her feelings.
My mother? She cares about the free lunch.
I'm starving.
I don't think I can do this.
Why not? Why not? Look at me.
I'm dying.
But I rushed to get over here.
Rushed? You're forty minutes late.
This is exactly what Schieiderman, my therapist, was talking about.
He said your constant complaining is killing my ability to be happy.
You, Spencer, are killing my happy.
I'm just not feeling well and I'm trying to let you know.
Did it ever occur to you how that makes me feel? No.
Which is why Schniederman suggested this.
An egg timer? It's a happy protector.
It limits the amount of time I have to listen to your whining.
I'm not whining, I'm trying to tell you how I feel, so I can get some sympathy.
Is that too much to ask? No, of course not, darling.
You have one minute.
Go.
What- Fifty-five seconds.
Fifty seconds, I'm just saying.
Wasting time on the coughing.
My name is Spenny.
I've been accused of being an emotionally-stunted manchild.
Incapable of having a functional relationship.
All I really want is to find love.
Is that such a crime? Ugh Phil, what are you doing? Hi, Spenny, I was just thinking about you.
I'm too sick to figure out what that means.
I've got a genital rash, it's fungal.
I think I may be allergic to latex.
Why are you telling me this? I think I may have given it to your mother when we were dating.
And since we don't- Oh, just a sec- And since we don't really speak anymore, would you mind, ugh, would you mind mentioning to her that she might want to get her, uh, muffin checked.
You want me to talk to my mother about her muffin? Is that awkward? Phil, get out of my way before I vomit all over you.
Maybe I'll, uh, text her.
You poor thing, you're white as a ghost.
Are you an angel? Come with me.
To heaven? Sit over here.
I'm Elly.
Oh, you're burning up.
Do you have someone who can take care of you? A girlfriend, a wife? How 'bout a mother? She's just the lady that I go to lunch with sometimes.
I live just around the corner.
I'll bring the car to the front, meet me outside, dear.
You're gonna take me to your house? ### ### The first thing I'm gonna do is get you into bed.
Remember I'm sick, so go easy on me.
Now, let's get those clothes off mister.
Hello? Chelsea, I'm about to have sex with a woman the same age as my mother.
Is that wrong? ### Spenny, seeing you so weak and sickly reminds me of my Morty.
Morty? Who's Morty? My husband.
He's dead.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
So how should we do this? We have choices? I only ask because Morty liked it the old fashioned way.
Well, if it's good enough for old Morty.
Get on your tummy, dear.
That's interesting.
So what is it about this position Morty liked so much? The surprise.
Oh, my.
After she took the thermometer out of my bum, it got a little weird.
That's when it got weird? She made me a delicious homemade soup, gave me a hot bath, and then tucked me in for the night, and gave me this.
What is that? I think she called it a blankie.
Oh, my god.
What? She mothered you! Mothered me? What's that? Mothered.
Didn't Shelia ever tickle you when you were scared or kiss you when you had a boo-boo? What's a boo-boo? Last night when you were with Elly you were with the mother you never had.
My blankie.
I always suspected that I was under-mothered- But was it possible that I was no-mothered? Lunch two days in a row? I'm not complaining, Spencer, but if you want to see me more often, I'll have to discuss it with Dr.
Schniederman.
He already thinks you're too needy.
I'm not gonna keep you long, I just have some of questions.
Okay.
Do you know what a boo-boo is? Can you use it in a sentence? No.
Oh.
I can't.
When I was young, a little boy, did you ever dote on me? Mama! Oh, Spencer, what does it matter? I don't even remember who I did last night.
You know, speaking of last night, I had a very unusual experience.
I felt feelings that I'd never felt before.
It was, it was odd.
It was almost as if someone actually cared about me.
Hold it.
Start again from the feelings thing.
You have one minute.
Go.
Oh, Spenny.
Hi.
I was in the neighborhood and, uh, I just wanted to thank you for last night and return this.
Oh.
I snuggled with it all last night so you might want to scrapbook it or something.
Well- Guess I should be going.
It's brisket.
Then I should probably let you get back to it, there's nothing worse than a dry brisket.
Oh, my brisket is never dry.
Moist and juicy, so much better that way.
So much better.
So you can't stay for dinner? ### I can stay forever! I'm cheating on my mother! I can't keep seeing Elly behind Sheila's back.
The guilt- It's eating me alive inside.
So stop.
It's not that easy.
I'm experiencing new smells, butterfly kisses.
Last night we ate smores and watched The Wizard of Oz.
By the way that's a fantastic movie! Have you ever heard of it? Everybody's heard of it.
Everybody's heard of it? Damn you, Sheila! Spenny, don't torture yourself.
Everybody deserves a mother.
Go! Enjoy your freaky relationship.
Wait a minute, what's gonna happen when Sheila finds out? It's gonna destroy her! Knowing Sheila, I wouldn't get too worked up over it.
You know what, you're confusing me.
I gotta do the right thing.
I'm gonna come clean.
I'm gonna tell her everything! Even better, I'm gonna introduce her to Elly.
Spenny, you don't have to do this.
I'm not going behind my mother's back anymore.
For the first time I know what it means to be mothered and it's about time she figured it out.
I'm proud of you.
Now sit up straight.
You're right.
Good posture is important.
Spencer, what's the matter with your back, you look stiff.
Sheila, I'd like you to meet Elly.
On chante.
On chante? Now mother, what I'm about to tell you is the most difficult thing I've ever had to tell anyone.
Mother! What I'm about to tell you is the most difficult thing I've ever told anyone in my entire life.
I'm drawing on all my faith just to get through it.
You can at least pay attention.
Do you think the sea bass is wild or farmed? Because farmed they swim in their own feces.
What are you gonna have? Not the sea bass.
So, Spenny, you were saying.
Elly and I, we have a relationship and it's moving forward at a very fast pace and we thought it was only fair for us to tell you.
Are you taking piano lessons? She's not my piano teacher.
Elly and I are seeing each other as mother and son.
Elly cherishes me, she fusses over me.
She makes me wash my hands after I go doodie.
She's everything that you're not! There, I said it.
Is this true? Have you been mothering Spencer behind my back? Only because he's not getting it at home.
I see.
Well, uh, clearly there's one too many mothers here.
Oh, and when Spencer was breastfeeding, he used his teeth.
The marks around my nipples have never healed.
I hope he goes easier on you.
That actually went easier than I thought it would.
Maybe Schneiderman's not such a nutcase after all.
DING! Ow! What was that?! An egg timer? ### Oh, no.
Whore mother! Is this normal, human mother behaviour? I actually don't know.
All those years with Sheila, wasted! Gone forever! When I started crawling I should have crawled out the front door and never looked back.
Aw, I'll make up for the lost times, I promise.
How 'bout tomorrow we go to the zoo? You know I've never been to the zoo.
Bad news, it's getting worse.
It feels like I'm on fire.
Can I borrow that ice pack? Thanks, thanks.
Oh oh oh, ah.
You can keep that.
Thanks.
How did Sheila take the news about her muffin? Oh, it's awkward, I understand.
Oh, is that chicken in a pot? You like it? Like it? Whatever you did to that chicken is making my nostrils flare.
Spenny, aren't you going to introduce me to your nice friend? Elly, this is Phil.
Truly charmed.
Perhaps Phil would like to join us for dinner.
Actually that's not going to be happening because, uh, I have plans.
Plans? You didn't mention you had plans.
Where are you going? Out.
Who with? Jasmine, I have a date with Jasmine.
You, you never mentioned her before.
I have to mention things? This is uh, what I do.
I worry.
Since when is worrying a crime? Yeah, Spenny, since when is worrying a crime? Shut up, Phil! Spenny, go on your date with your special Jasmine.
I'll have to live with the satisfaction of knowing even though you never mention it, you appreciate all the hours I spent cooking and cleaning and washing.
Not to mention the sewing and the baking and the washing the car.
All right.
Let's eat.
No, please.
Don't stay on my account.
I, I'm included in this right? Well, these are going back.
Hello? Hello, Jessica? Yeah, speaking.
Hi, it's Sheila, Spencer's actual mom.
Not the harlot he's currently seeing.
Uh, tell me dear, where is that place where people go and look things up on the computer.
Usually it's porn.
You mean the internet? How does it work? Well, type in whatever fetish you're into and something will come up.
I think for the first time in my life I'm being over-mothered.
Maybe you should run away from home.
I'm telling you, Chelsea, she's a great mother, but last night Elly gave me a twenty minute time out.
You know why? Cause I rolled my eyes.
You wanted a mother, now you got one.
You're gonna live under her roof, you're gonna live under her rules.
What am I saying? Now I'm buying into this multiple mom disorder? Coming, Elly! Oh, it's you.
Okay, I don't blame you for being disappointed in me, but things are going to be better now, my little Spencil.
Do you actually think you can come in here dressed like a cupie doll and erase a lifetime of narcissistic parental neglect? I'm being a mother.
Eat something, you are so thin.
You sound like an insincere robot.
I think you should leave.
I'm a fighter.
I fought for your father and I'm gonna fight for you.
You gave him two nervous breakdowns and bankrupted him.
The man was weak, but I'm not going anywhere.
Strap yourself in, mommy's in the house.
I'm proud of you, Spencer.
Are you really? Get out.
I can't believe Sheila's actually fighting for me.
And Elly isn't going anywhere.
I think I might have two mothers.
### ### Elly, Elly! Watch me! Oh, I'm watching, I'm watching! Look at you! Oh my goodness! Look at that! Aw, sweetie.
And everyone had a very good time and lived merrily ever after.
### I modeled for that cake.
Does it take you back? ### ### Spenny, I mean this in the nicest possible way, but you're turning into a fat pig.
I know.
What am I gonna do? Sheila feeds me eight times a day and Elly doesn't like me to eat on an empty stomach.
Look at me.
I can't even fit into my stretchy pants.
If I wanna look at my penis I've got to lie down in front of a mirror.
You know what's happening to me? I'm being over-mothered! Well, what are you gonna do about it? One of them has to go.
Hello, Spencer.
Elly, Sheila, thank you for coming.
You've both been model mothers, but unfortunately I only need one mother so it's gonna come down to this test.
The first section is a multiple choice, general Spenny questions, anxieties, birthmarks, dates, and so on and so forth.
The second part is an essay question entitled "Why I would make the best mother for Spenny?" Any questions? No! Okay, very well then.
Good luck to both of you, may the best mother win.
You have one hour.
### ### ### ### Thank you, Elly.
Wow You really do know me.
We'll have a big dinner to celebrate.
What if Shelia scores higher? I'll see ya at seven.
### I'm done.
Mom, you didn't answer any of the questions.
Aw, forget it, Spencer, it's too hard.
Do you want some more time? Some hints.
Nobody has to know.
Spencer, you belong with her.
I know it, you know it, and god knows she knows it.
I think it's time to say goodbye now.
Bye.
Mom- Don't I get a goodbye hug? Uh, uh, up, up! The hair, sweetie, the hair.
Bye, mommy.
Oh, Spenny, you're early, I told you to come at seven.
Come back in a hour, I'll, I'l tidy up.
And dinner will be ready, okay sweetie? Smells delicious.
What are we having? Brisket? Phil? Hey, Spenny! Guess what? Rash free.
Turns out little' Phil was allergic to fabric softener.
So no need to mention this to Sheila after all.
Why is Phil here eating my brisket and wearing your robe? Phil's such a charming boy, he doesn't have to be told twice and he's a good eater.
Are you Mothering Phil?? It's not just the mothering, Spen.
I'm in for the full package.
Are you telling me that you've had sex with both of my mothers?! Yeah.
What are the odds? How could Elly do this to me? I don't want Phil's gravy-stained hands all over my new mother.
I can't believe this is happening.
And I can't believe how short Phil's robe is.
You're right! The rash did clear up.
and a filthy martini.
This is unbelievable! You don't even know how old I am! I ball-parked it.
Listen, Spencer, mothering is more than just knowing your son's age.
It's more about- I'm sorry, drawing a blank.
You know what, it doesn't matter.
We're stuck together.
Spencer, I may be a lousy mother, but I'm your mother.
And I'll do my best to be there for you.
You know, that's all I ever wanted.
See, I can learn.
What can I do to become a better mommy? There's a lot of things, really.
Like, when I call you, it would be nice if you ask me how I was once in a while.
That would be good.
Make it fast.
###