Sit Down Shut Up (2009) s01e02 Episode Script

Happy first day of spring, everyone.
Here's one for you and you, Happy.
Your revealing attire is as disrespectful as your eye contact.
You're fun.
Andrew, may these flowers bring you a lucky luckiness over spring break.
Please I stopped playing she loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, she loves me not, they love her, but I love the three of them not, years ago.
I pricked myself.
I pricked myself, not.
Wow, the last time I got a flower as a gift I No, I can't spend another 7 years in scientology.
So sad.
Still, food is food.
"Helen, my sweet baby "Baby and I hope this gets you through the loneliness - "that will be your spring break.
" - Quiet down! - "And may you always" - Quiet down! Hi, Larry.
I got you this flower.
I once read that the first flowers of spring have enchanted special powers.
That's great.
Although, obviously there's no such thing as enchanted special powers.
- I disagree.
- You're the science teacher.
You should know better.
Why, Larry, you hard-hearted cynic, I, for one, love all this magical crap and I shall cherish them.
So how do you get this in the bloodstream? Is it a grind-in smoke, or is it like a peyote, where you chew on it then you try to fuck the desert.
These flowers really are blessed, Larry.
I found them surrounded by the most serene and still animals.
It was so peaceful, I almost forgot my little Merch.
I mean, there was that one bird orgy toward the end, but that was it.
I think I know what this is.
"Conium maculatum.
Common name, hem" "Hem" what? Come on move your head.
Move your head! " lock, oh, hemlock!" They triple teamed me.
I think this is hemlock.
Somebody could get sick from this.
- But the book said - Who cares, you're so impressionable.
I'm so impressionable, OK? - Oh, great.
Now you're mad.
- Oh, great.
Now I'm mad.
Damn it, I did it again! I'm the idiot.
I don't have all the answers, for all I know there is something special to her magical thinking.
Maybe these flowers are lucky.
Dealers, they're so moody.
Check out the horny bird.
Welcome back, everyone.
I trust you all had a lovely spring break at the Gainesville poison control center.
Actually, I bounced back from the hemlock poisoning right away, but I think that's because I have the strongest constitution.
He's coming out of his coma.
Welcome back, everyone.
I just got some sad news from the Gainesville poison control center.
Andrew is coming out of his coma.
So, we won't be splitting his paycheck after all.
Well, we can't unsell his car.
And to get back on story, apparently, our insurance doesn't cover voluntary self-poisoning.
This better be another misleading dream sequence.
- Thanks a lot, Miracle.
- No, don't thank me.
I'm the one who got everyone sick with the enchanted hemlock.
So, we need money.
Therefore, we've asked the parents to come to our spring fair this weekend and they said no.
Well, why wouldn't they? Parents don't come to the fair anymore.
Why, between the goldfish bowls filled with lacquer.
Oh, we got a loser.
And the steel-plated balloons.
Loser.
And the fact that the steel-plated balloons were so close to our over-inflated basketballs.
Double loser, a double loser.
Why, no parent has ever actually won anything at the school fair.
That's right.
So, this year we're going to advertise that it's a fair-fair and we'll get them all back.
In fact, we're going all-out on the grand prize for the raffle.
It's a self-cleaning german coffee maker with an automatic drip.
I've overslept.
The Germans are such crasmen.
This is even more realistic than that mexican hand blower in the bathroom.
Kids, they'll paint my face around anything with a hole in it.
Oh, Sue, I'm really sorry.
I lost my apartment, because of the cost of the stomach pumping.
Oh, thanks again for the snack, Miracle.
Willard, I wish you would have told me you were homeless.
I would have locked the storage closet.
In any event, everyone will be working the same booths they did last year.
And if anyone is caught cheating, they'll be fired.
Ah, I wasn't here last year.
I worked as a clown in a prison facility, but I refuse to be a clown at this event.
- That's fine.
We don't need a clown.
- Oh, everyone needs a clown, but, unfortunately, it's not going to be me.
Bee! Then just be yourself.
Oh, and Helen, you'll be back at the dunk tank.
- No fair! It's too damn risky.
- Scared your make-up will wash off? This is natural, baby.
I mean, sure, maybe I use a little bit of powder.
Same bee! Maybe an inch of base.
And Miracle, you'll be running the kissing booth.
I'm sorry, but it's sacred indonesian mouth massage.
It's life affirming.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply anything impure, but it's our biggest money maker and you're the number 1 bitch in my stable.
Can't you see you're being taken advantage of? I mean, a bunch of losers pay to make out with you for 30 seconds and when those at the back of the line get their turn, I find out you don't take coupons.
It's not fair to you.
Oh, you don't get me, Larry.
I'm spiritual and free and pure.
And if you really wanted to be my friend, you'd get in line early and pay full price like everybody else.
Miracle, wait.
I'm sorry.
Hoes.
They're so moody.
Boy, the man cannot hold this hemlock.
A little lower, Happy.
That things been there so long.
God knows what's living under it.
OK, who left the coffee maker out here? Willard, you really have to find a place to live.
- That would take a miracle.
- I'm happy to help.
You know, I belong to this super spiritual personal enrichment center.
It's the one with the big bell out front.
- Maybe you can stay there.
- Really? You just have to duck the clangor every hour because if it hits you, the bell won't ring and that's a big deal.
So, I'd be living inside a bell with an active clangor.
What's the catch? I can take you now.
I'm on my way out there to watch my astral event.
It's the night my prophecy comes true.
I shall pack my filies.
Prophecy? What prophesy? You're just going to say I'm impressionable.
And you'll tell me anyway.
Well, I'm just going tell you anyway.
It's a prophecy I've waited my whole life for and I actually got it at a fair.
Just like this one.
"When you look to the star of your birth "as it aligns with Pluto, you shall" Oh, my god, I got the exact same fortune.
Tonight is the night I need to stare at those stars so my secret prophecy will come true.
I'd love to go with you.
Why, to make fun of my mystical thinking? No.
I'm tired of us constantly having this fight.
Let's once and for all see who's right.
If the prophecy does come true, I will believe in your spiritual based world.
And if it doesn't, you'll believe in my rational scientific approach to life.
This will be enchanted.
I disagree.
I've got something to prove It's in the way the planets move It's the orbit around the sun The stars align and we are one Show me your love of science I'll show you the science of love Show me your love of science I'll show you the science of love The science of love, love, love The science of love, love, love The science of love, love, love The science of love The stars aligned at 6 a.
m.
That means nothing happened.
I only heard 5 bongs and a scream.
That is one fast clangor.
Has anything mystical happened to you? Did your fortune come true, or do you now agree that there is no magic? - No miracles to believe in? - I guess you're right.
There is no magic.
There are no miracles.
You man, you rational man "When you look to the star of your birth "as it aligns with Pluto, you shall receive" " receive a kiss from he who will be the greatest love" "of your life.
" How stupid am I? So, how did it go with Miracle last night? Did you disprove her magical ways and core beliefs? Yes, and I'm such an idiot.
If I hadn't spent the whole night making her less gullible, she'd be thinking that we're soul mates.
I mean, what do I care if miracles aren't real? - Miracles' aren't real? - No, have you ever seen one? No.
I'd like to see them both, but her damn baby's always in the way.
- You're talking about her breasts.
- Why, she'd has an ass job, too? Hey, Miracle.
Cute baby.
I've been meaning to say that ever since you had it during that swim meet.
I've also been meaning to apologize for yelling "jelly fish" when your placenta came out.
Anyway, I know how mystical the bond is between mother and baby, but I was wondering if you'd be willing to hand me the baby for a moment so I could just see what it's like.
I used to believe that a baby had to be with its mother all the time, but now I know it doesn't matter, because there is nothing mystical in the world.
- Here, just take him for the day.
- I don't want to take him for the day, I just want to see what it's like.
Wait a minute.
What's happening? Lift your head.
I can't see your chestacles.
Who's this? What's happening? All right.
What is this? - Did you break Miracle? - What the Ava Gardner's going on? Miracle just told me that since there's nothing mystical, she's leaving the commune and that means I have to leave the bell.
And I just found a way to make it work.
You don't duck the clangor, you ride the clangor.
It's a good bell.
Miracle just said she doesn't believe in indonesian tongue massage anymore.
What did you do to her? I perhaps scientifically disproved the basis of her personality.
That was my second favorite part of her.
You are a soulless man.
Soulless.
Dearest Miracle no longer brightens my lonely life with her whimsy fidgetish.
If I have cancer in me, I hope give it to you with this kiss.
Well, at least Happy's not mad at me.
Hey, Sue, now that Miracle only believes in science, I heard you need someone for the kissing booth.
I can't let it be inappropriate or disgusting.
Disgusting, you'll be on the dunk tank.
Damn it! I wish I could get her on that dunk tank and show the world what that dress tries to hide.
Hide, you mean she's a man? No, of course not.
You mean he's a woman? - No, it doesn't exist.
It's a myth.
- What's a myth? - The pajinas.
- The pahoona? No, the pahoona do exist and they're a totally straight indian tribe.
But the pajinas, it's the stuff of rumor and legend like queen fatula, or the yetes yahoo.
No, she's a woman, all right.
And when I'm through with her, she's going to be a big fat wet one.
We're in the show.
We're back in the show.
We're in it.
I'll be watching very closely to make sure this raffle isn't rigged.
I want everything exposed and out in the open.
That's what I was trying to do with Miracle's sweater puppies.
Suddenly, I'm father of the year.
And where is the baby? It's in that sack.
This is becoming a full-time job.
There's got to be a way I can trick him into thinking he's with his mother.
Wait a minute.
This will do just fine.
I like this.
Very realistic to someone else.
I like it.
It's good.
- Good height, too.
- I can't believe this.
Miracle's depressed and everyone's mad at me for changing her.
I just wish that there was some magical way I could make everything right again.
This is strange.
Wasn't on the invoice, but they had me deliver it anyway.
Oh, here she is under vending.
This is the booth that Miracle got her fortune from.
I wonder if there's some way that I can use it to get Miracle to believe in magic again.
And get a kiss at the same time.
"Beware, he who tampers with the mystical law "will suffer the wrath of " Campers! Of course, we just have to rip out this stupid old gypsy doll and find someone to act like a ringer.
Oh, my god, I know a ringer.
You want me to move into a small glass booth - with exposed electrical wires? - That's right.
What's the catch? You just have to give Miracle this fortune when she uses the machine.
She'll believe in miracles again and she'll see that I'm her true love.
Oh, and the machine goes back at midnight.
Like a cinderella story where a girl goes from being dressed like a peasant.
- You have to dress like a peasant girl.
- I'll drape my underwear over my head.
Pack up your filthies, mister.
You're moving.
I'm not being funny.
It's really hot in here.
Also, this isn't really a seat.
It's some kind of spindle.
I think it's how her head moved.
Great yeti's ah-hoo! My heart has been cooked like a baked potato.
Maybe you should get the dummy back.
Oh, I think it's too late.
I tossed it in Happy's shed.
A woman is here.
It is a miracle.
Look, I've got to turn Miracle back into the mystical thinker that I know she is.
So, as soon as she comes by, you give her this card saying "The love of your life will kiss you tonight.
" I'll kiss her.
She'll be mine.
Oh, hey, Sue, just setting up this crazy old fortune telling booth.
- You haven't seen Miracle, have you? - Oh, yes.
We set her up in the science booth.
She'll be there all night.
Science booth? Now, I can't officially issue a certificate for this.
I can't get her over here now and I'll never make it to the front of her line.
It's last year all over again.
Damn it.
My pal's depressed.
I have to do something.
Now, what would cheer me up? Of course.
Coming through.
Staff emergency.
One please.
Now, what would cheer Larry up? Of course.
Stop mucking up the raffle ball.
You're right.
I hate it.
It's stupid and I never want to see it again.
You reached the carnival supply nightshift.
Uh, yeah, I'm super casual.
Is the raffle ball available for delivery or It's the middle of the night! Stop calling here! Just finish setting up the booths so we can have the raffle and then take the baby out of here.
Oh, my god! The baby.
If I lose little Merch, Miracle will never raise her head again and I'll never see what's under there.
Right now that doesn't bother me, because I'm sated, but I also I feel like I should find the baby, because it's a baby.
I feel as if you are judging me.
You've grown sullen, Happy turning dramatically.
Oh, and there go the lights.
Perhaps some privacy is called for.
The lights are back on.
Oh, they are so many feelings here.
Thousands of years of tradition, guilt, shame all playing out against a He's on to the charade.
He's looking for legs now.
No sense that anyone would be looking for at this point, but she's not a proper girl.
Well, let's listen in.
You have left me, but I shall find you and never let you go again for Oh, I see.
He assumes she's left a mannequin in her place.
I can hardly wait to see how this plays out.
And the winner of the coffee maker Number 47.
Anyone? 47? Wait a minute.
That's me! I won the raffle! It pays to be honest.
Anybody got a problem with that? Enjoy the fair.
I'm going to strut.
Hit it.
I can't take it anymore.
I mean, at least the clangor stopped now and I'm out of here.
Look, Willar you can't.
Sue's coming.
I got to get in the booth.
Well you were beaten mercilessly in the shower You took an old-fashioned shive in the crown They fired tear gas on your ass from the tower And when you got back up, you were feeling down So, Someone sent you a prison clown Someone bought you or bartered you a prison clown What the hell are you doing? I've got to get in this machine before Sue sees that I've ried it and I get fired.
Get away from me, you clown.
So, it's like that.
Well, now I'm sorry I took CPR lessons to cheer myself up so that later I could dress like this and cheer you up.
OK, here she comes.
Now, miss me a couple of times so she feels it's safe to come up here and then we'll show her who's disgusting.
Hey, Sue.
I don't think this little missy's got enough oomph to get to the dinger.
Why don't you sit up here? Hey, I've got more balls to more dingers than you ever will.
I cannot tell you how much this reminds me of a living creature soup I had in Japan once.
It was luck.
Come on, Sue, for me.
Give it a try.
You know what? Since I won the big raffle, I'm feeling lucky.
Let's have Andrew take her best shot.
Miracle, if you want to belive in miracles.
Oh, this is perfect.
I need a miracle right now.
Pardon me, gotta cut, kind of important.
Yeah, hi, madam Xaoh.
I'm the world's biggest skeptic and I don't really believe in this stuff, - but - Hey, Ennis.
It's me.
Oh, my god.
That is my name.
Well, you've made a believer out of me.
Oh, powerful woman whose name is hoax backwards.
- I just noticed.
- Ennis, it's me, Larry.
This isn't real.
Get out of here.
Let Miracle step up.
It's rigged? So, now I've lost a baby and all my nickels? You lost my baby? Oh, yeah, I got kind of side tracked by this raffle ball that I'm never going to call again.
How could you? Baby! I lost my baby.
Baby! I want you, baby.
Baby, come live with me in my tool shed forever.
Be life's companion.
What's the catch? Oh, happy ending.
But maybe not for baby Merch.
So, I bet you feel like a winner? With yourself, queen of coffee making raffle prize.
Actually, I thought you all could use it in the teacher's lounge.
I'm going to give it to you.
Oh, my gosh.
Sue did something nice.
It's a freaking miracle.
Well, you're not going to throw it, then I am.
This is your fault, madam Xaoh.
Get ready to lose something precious.
It's Larry.
We've been over this.
Oh, my god, it's a miracle.
An actual pajinas, although I always pictured it frowny, not smiley.
It's a magnet.
Sue cheated.
Number 47, that's me.
Gotcha, Sue.
And that means we don't get to keep our coffee maker.
I think there are some people who did win a prize.
I knocked Sue in.
So, let's see, I'll take The chinese finger cuffs, an eraser Give me the unlicensed "family guy" baby that's clutching onto the unlicensed Pluto dog.
- Kind of a weird combo.
- Oh, my god, It's my baby.
It's safe.
Oh, Merch.
I'm so sorry, baby.
Oh, baby, I've missed you so much.
Oh, my god, the fortune was right.
You're clutching this stuffed dog that looks like Pluto vaguely.
You're the greatest love of my life.
Miracles are real.
They sure are.
Can I get that stuffed dog for a second? It is a mystical world.
I don't care what Larry says.
Hey, where's Larry? He's been electrocuted.
Does anyone know CPR? I do.
My kiss.
I got my kiss.
It's a miracle.
No, it's a Stuart, but it is exactly how Miracle does CPR.
She taught me.