Sleuth 101 (2010) s01e02 Episode Script

(WHISTLING OF TUNE) Where is everyone? Kyle's in the studio.
And the other two are eating my lunch.
Oh, about time.
What are you doing? Kyle's working.
He wants to talk.
He just texted me.
Nobody's going in.
We'll see about that.
Better hurry, guys.
Pizza's going fast.
I'd better get some for Kyle.
(PHONE RINGS AT OTHER END) Something's wrong.
He's not answering.
Nothing's wrong.
(ALL ARGUE) (SCREAMS) (PHONE RINGS) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello.
(CHEERING) I'm Cal Wilson.
Welcome to Sleuth 101, where each week we give a comedian a crash course in criminology as we challenge them to sort the truth from the lies and the innocent from the guilty.
This week, our celebrity sleuth is a man who's made a career out of getting away with funny business.
Please welcome Frank Woodley.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello.
Welcome.
You're looking very dapper with half your collar up, Frank.
Yes, I'm feeling just like I'm a deduction machine.
The trench coat, it just makes you feel smarterer.
So, Frank, when you watch a detective show, are you one of those people that's got the answer before they give it to you? Um, sometimes, particularly if I'm watching 'Columbo', because they actually show the murder at the start.
OK, Frank, so I'm gonna tell you what your mystery is.
Kyle Bowman, lead singer of '70s rockers the Dead Dogz, was murdered earlier today, stabbed with his own ARIA.
OK, the Dead Dogz, lead singer, ARIA.
OK.
Yep, good so far.
You've got it all.
OK, so there's four people that could have committed the murder.
First of all, Detective Woodley, you need to check the scene of the crime.
OK, Frank, so I can tell you that this is Kyle Bowman's own recording studio.
He died conveniently inside that red outline.
You've been standing on the dead man's groin just there, but that's good that you've moved.
(LAUGHS) Now, our forensics people have already been through.
They've taken the body, hopefully to the morgue.
Have a look around, see what clues you can find.
I've noticed when I came down here, a bit of a mobile phone there.
So he was probably I suspect he was on the phone when he died.
Nice work.
So he must have "Eee!" or something.
Not sure.
Over here.
He's obviously He's a man with a talking penis, because he's (LAUGHTER) Here.
We've got something here, his ARIAs.
And, oh! There's a little baby ARIA there.
A couple of ARIAs have gotten into a bit of (PANTS) and then nine months later, little, um Um, gold.
A gold record there.
OK, so Do you want a little bit of colder/warmer action? Colder/warmer? Bring it on.
Bring it on.
OK, uh colder.
Colder.
Warmer, warmer, warmer.
Oh! There we go.
It's a little bit of paper.
Let's see.
It has the word 'Apia' on it.
Nice.
I'd keep hold of that too, Frank.
I'll hold onto that.
So I've got a phone and a little Apia.
Um Keep the colder and the warmer going.
OK, um Colder, colder, colder.
Colder.
Colder.
Ah! That's hotter! Why didn't you tell me that was warmer? Um Arctic.
Arctic.
So arctic.
Arctic? Warmer, warmer, warmer, warmer.
Down.
Ooh Disturbing.
Oh! Here we go.
So it looks like an earring to me.
Well done.
OK.
There we go.
So if you come over here and give me the mobile phone Right.
Put that in there? Mm-hm.
I'll send that to Forensics.
Keep hold of the earring and the piece of paper.
They could come in handy later.
Right.
Now, obviously, these clues aren't gonna mean a thing to you until you learn the events leading up to Kyle's death.
So I think it's time that we meet the first suspect.
Lan Rossy, Kyle's head of security.
Now, lan's the longest-standing member of the Dead Dogz Fan Club.
He turned up to so many gigs that Kyle gave him a job as personal bodyguard.
Now, given that Kyle's just been killed, clearly, lan's not so good at it.
So let's hear how events unfolded according to lan.
Oh, we got there about 9:30.
(SIGHS) Who'd have thought this day would bring such a sad loss to the pantheon of rock? The day started so exciting.
Kyle was finally finishing the last song, the single that was gonna put the Dead Dogz back where they belonged.
Jessica, the record rep, was there, Barry, the only member of the band apart from Kyle left in the Dogz, and Kyle's wife, Abby, all on time.
Of course, Kyle marched to a different drummer.
"Running kate"? What does that mean? It's "Running late".
He's crap at texting.
Did he write this contract too? I can't understand all these abbreviations - GST, A-P-R-A.
And what's this one? B-A-R-R-Y? That's your name.
Oh, yes.
IAN: I wanted to chat to Kyle's missus about my wedding plans.
It was only two weeks away, and I had a lot to organise.
What do you think about white doves? What? Oh, no, they looked so beautiful when you got married to Kyle.
That was when he married Harriet.
Oh, that's right.
You were just his P.
A.
Then.
That's right, I get confused, because Harriet was his P.
A.
Too.
Bastard! Ooh! Hey! Ooh! It's not every day you win a Lifetime Achievement Award.
Whoo! Kyle's been partying.
Is that what you call it? "Our rock legend Kyle Bowman parties hard with Lily Allen.
" Oh, she's got a father fixation.
It's nothing.
BARRY: It sounds like a great night.
You did have a word to her about my invitation? Yes, I did, mate, and apparently it got lost in the post.
Like your tongue got lost in her ear? What do you want me to say? "Sorry" would be nice.
Kyle never says sorry.
Let's get to work.
We've got an album to make.
Executive boss lady has spoken.
IAN: After that, I didn't see anyone for about half an hour.
I remember it clearly because I had some really important decisions to make about my wedding in a fortnight.
Swans or fan? Jessica went into the studio for a couple of minutes.
She picked the wrong time to come out, though.
BARRY: I will.
Ah! The songwriting credit's always gone to the Dead Dogz, not just Kyle Bowman.
IAN: When Barry came out, he passed Kyle's wife, Christine.
I mean Harriet.
Sorry, Abby.
It's hard to keep track.
When she came out, she was a bit upset.
(SOBS) I've seen them come and go, but they're just never good enough for Kyle.
The only other person I saw come into the building was the pizza delivery guy.
(ALARM BEEPS) Right.
Can I come and have lunch with you guys and Kyle? No.
You're welcome.
Now, everything lan said was true, but he may have omitted some important details.
And the only way you're gonna find that out is to ask him yourself.
Shall I ask him myself? I think you should.
Frank Woodley.
OK.
Lan Rossy.
OK.
Lan.
Hello, bro.
How are you? Nice to meet you.
Hey, brother.
Good to So, uh lan, you must be devastated.
(SIGHS) Heartbroken, brother.
He was like, uh He was family to me.
He was everything.
You know, I loved him.
I loved him like a brother.
Yeah.
Did you kill him? No.
Thought I'd give it a try early on.
Might make for a short show, but I thought I'd just You know, you never know.
You must be feeling incredibly heartbroken that you've failed your you know, your mentor, the great man.
He's gone, mate.
He's gone.
And he was gonna be best man at my wedding.
In two weeks.
I'm getting married in two weeks.
OK, that's Right, OK.
Yeah.
We met at a concert.
She threw her knickers onstage.
She was still in them at the time, but Uh, what's Kyle's current wife's name again? Abby.
Abby.
Abby's Yeah.
Oh It seems like Abby's not too happy with Kyle at the moment.
Oh, I think she's trouble.
Yeah.
Mmm.
Do you think she might have I don't know.
See, I'm not allowed in.
Right.
I don't have a security pass.
I have to stay outside.
So I can only see what's going on through the door.
So when they call in security, you're not allowed to go in? Well, that's appropriate, then, calling in security, 'cause you probably have quite a bit of insecurity.
Don't take this the wrong way, lan, but at this stage, everybody's a suspect, you know.
You, Abby, Cal.
I haven't ruled myself out.
I've got my eye on that creepy guy in the third row of the audience.
Frank, I think, actually, you've had enough chitchat with lan.
We've actually got some results in from the pathology lab.
Oh, that could help.
Now, the autopsy has been done.
The wound was consistent with Kyle being stabbed with some force with the ARIA Award.
Now, seeing as it was found halfway through his body, not so much of a surprise there.
I think the official terminology is 'Kyle kebab'.
OK, so I think it's time to move on to suspect number two, wife number three.
Abby Bowman was Kyle's personal assistant during his second marriage.
The assistance she offered was so personal, she was quickly promoted to homewreckin' hussy.
I come to the studio every day.
It's part of being his muse.
You know.
You.
You stay just as beautiful as you are.
You really think I'm beautiful? Oh, baby, you know I do.
I'm sorry I made such a fuss about Lily Allen.
Oh, that's alright.
I forgive you.
Now, I want you to go and wait in the band room with Barry.
No, no, no, no, because I've got a little surprise for you later.
ABBY: OK.
(LAUGHS) So then I just sat for an excruciating half-hour with Barry.
And what does 'intellectual property rights' mean? It means owning the songs.
And who is the contracted artist? You are.
And what does 'relinquish' mean? 'Give up'! I was just starting to understand it.
No, the contract is forcing you to give up your right to owning the song.
But I write all the drum bits! Drums are the same in every song! That's how I write them! Take it up with Jessica! I will! With Barry gone, I got to pursue my little hobby.
It's not that I don't trust Kyle.
Actually, it is.
I knew he was hiding something.
(SINGS) # Every day # Kyle! Not now, babe.
Kyle's working.
I'm sorry, but I know what you wanted to talk to me about.
You do? I found the tickets.
Yeah, look, I can explain.
It's a fabulous surprise.
Wah! Lt'll be like a second honeymoon.
Two weeks from now, we'll be walking along the beaches of Samoa, just me and you and Lily Allen? Actually, it'll just be me and Lily Allen.
What? Three's a bit of a crowd.
Although it can be fun.
That was the last time I saw him alive.
Looks like a motive to me.
Frank, meet the grieving widow.
You know what I'm thinking, Abby? There's a song, 'You Always Hurt the One You Love'.
From the '50s.
Wonderful song.
I originally thought the lyrics were, "Your walrus hurt the one you love," which was confusing.
I mean, "No, Wally, no!" You know? That Just But do you know the point I'm making? I know.
I mean, look, I did lose my temper over Lily Allen.
You didn't just lose your temper, Abby.
That's That is my You might want to get the matching set happening again.
I do.
I've got it.
Mmm.
Have you? When I got home, I didn't have the other one.
Where did you? I I found that on the scene of the crime.
With a little bit of help from Cal.
(LAUGHTER) Look, I did lose my temper over Lily Allen.
But the thing you have to know is that when I got home, he sent me a text message, right, which said "I'm sorry," which is a big deal because, one, he rarely sends text messages and, two, he never says he's sorry, so it was like two shocks in a row in the same day, and then, obviously, we we found his his his dead body, so it was three - it was a very shocking sort of day.
I'll have to do extra yoga this evening just to settle myself.
Do you want to know who I think it was? Yes, I do.
Jessica.
I don't know if you know this, but she didn't want me to go into the room when we found him dead.
She said, "Don't go in there," and I don't know about you, but if I'd just killed someone, I wouldn't want their wife to go in there.
And you know the other thing? She's really scrungy towards me always.
Like, the other day, I was like, "You should wear more mesh.
" And she was like, "No.
" CAL: Now, I don't want to interrupt, I'm sorry, but we have run out of time.
We've got new evidence from the boffins in the lab.
Oh, good.
There are only three sets of fingerprints on the ARIA - Kyle's, Barry's and Lily Allen's.
Maybe we should see what Barry and his fingerprints have to say for themselves.
Barry is the only surviving member of the original Dead Dogz.
He's been with the band for 22 years, except for the six months he took off to do a solo album, on which he played every instrument, all of them drums.
The day didn't start well.
Kyle was starting on the last song.
Now, usually, we lay down the drum track first.
But Kyle's been acting funny lately.
I realised why when I read the contract.
What's this about? The songwriting credit's always gone to the Dead Dogz, not just Kyle Bowman.
It was his idea, not mine.
Talk to him about it.
I will! (LAUGHS) Kyle! Not now.
Kyle's working.
Yes, now.
Why not now? This contract is a joke.
Can we deal with this when I get back from Samoa? I'm having trouble with this song.
When are you going to Samoa? Two weeks.
Why am I always the last to know? I'm as much a part of this band as you are.
Look at these, huh? It says "Dead Dogz", not "Kyle Bowman".
I co-wrote all our songs.
I could even help you write that one.
Alright.
Eh? I'm having trouble with this - I've got these chords, but I haven't got a chorus.
Haven't got a verse either.
Haven't got any lyrics at all, really.
Right.
I love you Maybe something a bit more original, Baz.
(SIGHS) I love that you smell nicer than my mum Hey.
No, no, no, no.
Wait on.
I got a better one in me.
Hold on.
(CLEARS THROAT) I love the lovely thing about you That is so lovely My love I love you Tell you what.
I'll sign the contract.
You know it makes sense, Baz.
Anyway, if you need a friend, you've got my number.
Baz.
Hang on.
Gimme that.
I'll have another one back to you asap.
As? Soon.
Oh I hung around the band room for a while, thinking about what had happened.
It was a little confusing.
But then I realised he must have liked one of my lines.
Probably the one about smelling better than my mum.
So I started to work up some new musical ideas.
That's when I saw that Jessica.
She looked like she was up to something.
I don't know what time that was, but I was getting hungry.
Later, I heard the buzzer, and soon after in walked this vision of loveliness.
Pizzas! OK, Frank, Barry's all yours.
Remember, though, he is a drummer, so short words and talk slowly.
Barry.
Frank.
Just between you and me Yes.
I reckon you're the brains of the outfit.
Oh, thank you.
I reckon that comparing Kyle to you is like comparing Mozart to the guy who wrote the 'Ding! ' on the microwave.
You're the genius.
That's my feeling.
Oh, thanks, Frank.
But all those drummer jokes.
It's not fair, is it? They just keep coming, don't they? Yes.
Like, do you know any? What did the drummer ask the bandleader? What? "Do you want me to play too fast or too slow?" So far, I don't understand, but go on, yeah.
How do you make sure that the stage is level? You know when the drummer's drooling out of both sides of his mouth.
They kept coming, didn't they, Barry? Yeah, yeah.
How did you feel about that, mate? I never understood them, so it didn't offend me.
I think it did offend you, mate.
And, you know, revenge Revenge is a meal best served hot.
But after that, then there's the just desserts.
I'm very, very happy with that, Barry.
Yeah, good.
I think that was terrific.
I'd feel a little bit more impressed with myself if I hadn't have stolen it off the woman from 'Murder, She Wrote'.
So I found something on the floor, and it says A-P-l-A.
Any idea what that might mean, Barry? Uh, well, initials really aren't a strong point of mine.
But I think something to do with pensioners insurance, maybe.
And you know what, Frank? Mmm.
I'd like to hear it.
A big mystery, this one.
I ordered three garlic breads.
Only two arrived.
Get onto that one, Mr Detective.
I'm sorry, gentlemen, to break your rhythm, but we do actually have some fresh results in from the lab.
OK.
Kyle's shirt had oily finger marks on the back.
Now, we can't get prints off them, but the oil showed traces of both almond essence and garlic.
An ambitious cologne? Or something more sinister? Now, there is only one suspect left.
Jessica Pride, Kyle's new record rep, who once said that the problem with the music industry is there's too many freakin' musicians.
They weren't her exact words, I'm paraphrasing, 'cause after all, this is a freakin' family freakin' show.
Kyle's reputation preceded him, but I wasn't gonna let him walk over me.
And I was obviously getting through to him because he called me into the studio to have a chat.
Kyle.
What's happening? Shh, shh.
Come over here.
I want you to hear something.
I've been listening to the demos No, no, no, shh, shh.
To be perfectly honest Stand here and listen.
Great acoustics.
Even the silence has got reverb.
Right.
We don't have time for acoustics.
Nor do we have time for Let's have a look.
in-house astrologers, bouncy castle hire or flying in the Stockholm Mime Collective.
They are an internationally renowned performance They're a mime troupe.
Now that I'm in charge, all of this is going to stop.
Whoo.
Kyle doesn't let suits tell him how to make music.
Well, if this suit doesn't hear a hit song with a decent chorus by this afternoon, she is pulling the plug two weeks early! After putting a rocket up him, I knew it would only be a matter of time before he responded.
(KYLE SINGS) # If you need a friend, you got my number You can come around That wasn't on the demo, and it had hit written all over it.
(WHISTLES TO TUNE) (BELL RINGS) And then the pizzas arrived.
There was no way I was going to interrupt Kyle now.
Right.
Pizzas! Hmm.
So that single's going to be released posthumously.
Significant? Frank, meet Jessica.
It's all about motive, Jessica, I believe.
And, uh, why would somebody kill an artist they represent after 10 years of work - you know, they're about to finally release something - unless, of course, that could be released posthumously and the back catalogue just goes through the roof.
Sounds like a pretty good motive to me.
Absolutely.
Very.
Mmm.
Is that a confession? No! OK, I thought I'd tricked you into something there.
No, no, 'cause it's every producer's dream that, you know, the Kurt Cobain happens to their artist.
Mmm.
I just got lucky.
You got lucky.
That's rather callous, isn't it? I mean, you don't just hold your wallet.
You fondle it.
Look, it's my job, alright? You caress it.
You molest it.
Yeah, I love it.
I love it.
It's what I do.
It's what I do well.
Money does not sleep.
Time is money.
You have me here.
Ask me some questions, get on with it, so I can get this album out.
Grease sales have a very small window of opportunity.
And I'm very happy today.
And don't spoil it for me.
I don't like you.
I don't like you either.
You're you're not nice.
And not-nice people, they've got a bit more of a tendency to go, "Yahh!" So at the moment, you're You know, don't leave town.
Don't even leave this area of the studio.
Now, Frank, I have to ask you to unhand the lady.
I think you've got her reeling with your incisive questioning.
Oh, she's on the ropes.
Now, we have got results just in.
They've done an autopsy on the phone, using the technical term for that here, I think.
It turns out that only Kyle's prints were on the phone.
His last text was to Abby and did, in fact, read "I'm sorry".
And the last photo taken with the phone was this - rather flattering angle for any lady.
OK, that's it.
That's everyone.
So have you worked it out? Is lan the inept bodyguard capable of assassinating his idol? Did Abby kill Kyle in a fit of jealous rage? And what about Barry? Maybe his drums aren't the only thing he's whacked recently.
Or Jessica.
Has she arranged a different type of contract? Here's a clue for you at home.
Think about what the holiday to Samoa might mean to someone.
Have you worked it out? I gave you at least a second.
More importantly, has Frank worked it out? Let's see.
(SCREAMS) So, Frank, you've spoken to every suspect.
You've seen all the clues, whether or not you realised it at the time.
It's time now for you to make a decision.
Well, I must admit, I'm feeling pretty confident about knowing who it is because I saw it written on your notes before.
No.
No, I didn't.
But I think I'm feeling You know, I've got a bit of a I've got a good feeling about this.
OK.
Well, then, it's time to Sherlock it up, Mr Woodley.
In you go.
(ALL ARGUE) Hey, guys, guys.
Hello.
Hello, everyone.
I've based my analysis and my deduction not so much on the clues but on having watched a lot of detective shows over the years, who would be most likely to have done it based on how likely they are to have done it, if that makes sense? So, for example, Jessica, you It's you, isn't it? You killed You must have So it's not you.
That's the way I'm working here.
Then I would actually say that, Abby, you've been heartbroken, and the heart is a very vulnerable, and so next, I would think I reckon it's So it's not you either.
Barry.
You know, you would have gotten, certainly, a lot of a lot of cashiola, so I reckon mmm, probably not.
Whereas, lan lan, as far as I can tell you loved the guy.
You're the least likely to have done it.
So in my books, that makes you the most likely to have done it.
Well, Frank, let's see if you're right.
Will the murderer of Kyle Bowman please reveal themselves? But not in a weird way.
It was me.
(APPLAUSE) I loved the guy, but He was gonna be my best man, and and now he isn't, because he was going to Samoa with that tramp Lily Allen, and It's OK, lan.
It's OK.
I didn't mean to do it.
It was an accident.
He just fell on that pointy thing.
I'll take it from here, lan.
Thank you for your charming honesty.
Well done, Frank.
Now, it should have been the happiest time of his life, but when Abby stormed out of the building, lan made a shocking discovery.
Kyle had booked a holiday for the same weekend as lan's wedding and had obviously never intended to fulfil his promise to be his best man.
When the pizzas arrived, an errant garlic bread provided the perfect opportunity for the heartbroken lan to go and have a chat with Kyle.
Lan tried to get Kyle to cancel the holiday to Samoa, the capital of which, by the way, is Apia.
But Kyle was unmoved.
Lan lost control and pushed Kyle in the back, leaving traces of wedding cake, almond icing and garlic from the garlic bread on his shirt.
Seeing what he'd done, lan fled in a panic, and with his dying breath, Kyle tried to text his killer's name, but owing to one mistype and damn predictive text, "lan Rossy" became "I'm sorry".
I did see that, actually, but I forgot to mention it.
There were some other clues that you might have missed.
Kyle's final melody was being whistled at the very start by lan, who couldn't have heard it unless he'd been in the studio, something he claimed not to have done.
And by the way, Abby did lose her earring, but it was when she was just hugging Kyle.
And the photo of Jessica on the mobile was really just the childish Kyle trying a bit of cheeky upskirting on his record company rep.
Who hasn't done a bit of that? It all seems so clear now, doesn't it? Look, it's so sad, lan.
It's not Nobody's happy with a result like that except for me 'cause I guessed it! Yes, well done.
Next week, we've got another mystery for you.
And did you spot this week's actual red herring? Go to our website, let us know.
While you're there, check on the Sleuth 101 interactive game and you can get an advance clue to next week's show.
Until then.
That's Frank Woodley.
I've been Cal Wilson.
Goodnight! Next week, we double-click on the murder option when a computer game inventor suddenly finds himself in need of a second life.
The most powerful man in my universe is Mordock.
It's gross.
Guest detective Claire Hooper will be up to her virtual neck in avatars, nerds and trojans.
She's gonna be so rich.
It's one for the books, or should I say one for the Kindle? He'll try and stop you.
Cache will be taken care of.
That's Sleuth 101 next week.