SLiDE (2011) s01e02 Episode Script
Episode 2
Hey.
How's it going, curly? Brilliant.
Sunday morning, cleaning up to pay for a party I wasn't even at.
It was bangin'.
Ed should have more parties.
Well, I can't afford to pay for them, as much as I love seeing what's on hotel sheets.
Yeah.
Hey, let's leave this room for a bit.
Busted! Wow.
Staff here really do care.
Hey, they should put you on the website.
Like what you see? You're gonna have to give me something to look at, prove you're a girl.
Does this look like I'm a girl? Sure as shit doesn't look like you're subtle.
Oh, yes.
Come on, show me yours.
Oh, yes! Tony? Oh, yes! Like that shit? Oh, yeah! Um, Mr Carlyle? Eva.
Take it all off! Uh, Roberto's called in sick.
I want to see more of that man nip.
Come on, I want to see more man nip! Who? The driver.
Why is this my problem? Is that a rhetorical question? How the fuck should I know? Anything else? Uh, the camera button's the red one that says 'camera'.
Hi! I'm Scarlett.
I have really nice hair, and I'm a fully qualified yoga guru.
I learned this move from the Dalai Lama.
It's called the 'downward whore'.
That's a nice little outfit you've got going on there.
Yeah, it says "pole dancer with body issues".
Here.
No, don't tempt me.
Although I'm sure you can just look at a girl and her bra just falls off.
Not quite.
One hand.
Are you here to help or just to brag about your evil superpowers? cleaning up Scarlett's room.
I'm the one that cleans at our house, and now I'm here cleaning up for some girl I don't even like.
Only nine hours to go.
How can your friends make so much mess? My friends? With great party comes great cleaning responsibilities.
Anyone got papers? I think there were some in that pile of rubbish.
I don't think we should be smoking here.
I can handle Tony.
Yeah, you can.
I can't.
Oh, there's chuck in that vase.
Bogan and Coke? Yeah.
Mmmm! Do you think these are Luke's? How would I know? He's with Scarlett.
I just caught them having hugs of the "pants down" variety.
How can I compete with her? It's not about competing.
Everyone's got their own thing.
Yeah.
Scarlett's is 'hot', and yours is 'mysterious'.
What's mine? Why don't you take a break from being you and find out? Nice! Oh! We're slaving away and you're smoking spliffs? I was against it.
Don't worry, there's enough for everybody.
I hate to be a fun-sucker, but, um, we've actually got a lot of work to do, cleaning up for a party that only some of us got to enjoy.
You know what helps when you have to do something really boring? Setting fire to some weed and inhaling the smoke.
Widgey now, cleany later.
Fine.
But it's not the peer pressure.
It's 'cause it's the wrong thing to do.
So I'll do it.
I'm way too relaxed.
Enjoy it for a minute.
This mop is so heavy now! Sorry! Don't! No! Can't even manage an hour's work.
We're getting the stuff out of the pool.
Oh, save it.
Just clean this mess up now! And then we can talk about some sad little payment plan for the five grand you owe me in damages.
Five grand? It wasn't even our fault! Never is with you, daughter.
Which one of you drives like a senior citizen? Ooh, that would be him.
What did I do? So how long have you had your licence? Um, 26 hours.
You drive guests to and from the airport.
Guests only.
Now, this thing is worth a lot more than you.
It needs to be kept spotless at all times.
Keep it clean - got it.
No, no.
Spotless.
You know, as in a level of cleanliness that is, um Anal.
Next to godliness.
One scratch, one testicle.
I wasn't sure how to park.
CBD.
So, how do you think Scarlett's going, living in a new city? OK, not my business.
I get it.
How do you think she's going? Oh, I think she's amazing.
I mean, she's making a go of it.
I hope so.
She's running out of family members to live with.
She's hardly the queen of responsibility, although she could do anything if she put her mind to it and committed to something.
5pm.
When the big hand's on the 12 and the little hand's on the 5, you are here.
Uh, if I do a good job today, will you consider hiring me, maybe as a weekend driver? I'll take that as a yes.
Classy.
I'm guessing Gold Coast.
I thought maybe it belonged to a girl I drove to the airport, but she was on her phone the whole time, even when I was saying goodbye to her.
Oh, sounds like you guys really bonded.
Guys, I think this might belong to a lady of the night.
The roller derby team? No, a sex worker.
Well, why didn't you just say? Because I don't like those names, unless I'm talking about somebody who doesn't actually trade sex for money.
"Naughty John.
" "Single dad with eye patch.
" You'd think she'd be a bit more mysterious.
Look in applications, under transactions.
"Naughty John FS.
" "Full service"? Could mean "Friendly smile".
She's got the whole zoo in there.
Yaha? Yaha! No, I think I'd actually like to use my school uniform for when I go to school, you disgusting sicko! I think I might be thinking what you're thinking.
What are you thinking? Could be a way out of this.
You can't seriously think this is a good idea.
You know what you're saying? What? What are you all not talking about? If they don't pay up, we say we're gonna hand in the phone to the cops or the newspaper.
Ker-ching! It's called blackmail, and don't you think it's a bit extreme? How else are we supposed to pay back five grand? These guys pay for sex.
Now they'll pay us to get screwed in a whole new way.
Or, hey, we could just start mugging old ladies, because they're easy targets.
Would you rather be a lion for a day or a sheep for one hundred? What? It's just something my old PE teacher used to say.
It basically means, you know, grow some metaphoric balls.
Yeah, well, maybe I will.
Maybe I just need to grow some big old hairy balls.
Hang on, we need a car.
Eeeeee! No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Uh-huh.
Whoo! You do not make a mess.
Do not eat anything, do not drink anything.
You know what? Do not touch anything.
We won't.
Except for the minibar.
So, what if none of them care? This'll make them care.
She's got pictures of her clients.
Let me see.
Eww! Well sourced.
Scarlett.
What? Can you wipe that up? And can you please not take any more booze? It's fine, Ed.
We'll replace everything this afternoon.
Fine.
Tammy, you keep a list of everything that gets taken from the bar.
Why do I have to? Because that's what you do.
You make lists.
You plan stationery purchases in Excel spreadsheets.
Yeah, well, today I'm not me.
So put that on your list.
I'm getting messed up.
Check.
Wanna get really messed up? Yeah.
Yeah, I do.
You never do pills.
Well, I've been waiting for a special occasion.
Who's having? I don't want to get all munted by myself.
Pick me! What's going on? It's like a rap video back there.
I'm the one who makes all the mess.
You're the voice of reason.
Well, today I'm taking a holiday from reason.
So shut your pie hole, driver.
Ooh! Sure you want to do this? Pray for me.
I wonder if he's always a clown, or just in the bedroom.
Ooh, don't show that to Ed.
He has a clown fear.
How can you be afraid of clowns? It's a legitimate phobia.
I can't remember what it's called, but lots of people have it.
Coulrophobia.
So what exactly is it that you're scared of? Is it their big giant shoes or their tiny little cars? - I just think they're pure evil.
- Come on, Ed.
We're all friends.
Fine.
On my seventh birthday, my mum got a clown for the party.
And after playing Pin the Tail on the Donkey, I What? What, what, what? I walked in on the clown doing my Aunty Joanne.
From behind.
Oh! With his big smiley face and his crazy hair.
Too easy.
We are all going to hell.
- Who wants a drink? - Me! I can't talk to the clown.
Sick bastard.
Who's going? I'll do it.
- Careful, Tams.
- Yeah, look out, Tams.
He might have a little plastic flower that shoots water.
What a rush! Who's next? The flower shop guy.
I'll take the florist.
Go, go, go, go! Thanks for driving off on me! Did the florist do that to you? Yes, the florist did this.
Ha, ha, ha, hilarious.
He bashed me with some native foliage.
What are you doing? I don't want to get blood on the seats.
Bloody hell! Come here.
Hold still.
And stick this up your nose.
What? The guy's 5-year-old daughter answered the door.
I couldn't do it.
Maybe we should quit while we're ahead.
How much ahead are we? 3,500.
We're nearly there.
Why don't we just go back, give Tony what we've got and we'll work off the rest? Interesting.
Grace wants her little pink phone back.
What are you saying? I asked for 1,500.
That's a lot of money.
She has a lot of incentive.
We're on.
Exchange at her place.
Where does she live? Gold Coast.
Told you! Hang on.
I gotta pick up Tony in a few hours.
It's 45 minutes each way.
Hour tops.
Please, Ed.
I need to show my dad that I can actually see something through.
Yay! Should we get some other stuff? Just the essentials.
We might need disguises.
What do you think? I dunno.
What do you think? I think I'm gonna use this against you at a later date.
Right.
Did you really need the megaphone? You can never have too many ways to be louder! I bought you a present.
Really? Thanks! Come on, people! Where's Tams? Tams? Are you OK? Luke? It's time to go.
I can't! I'm stuck.
Have you tried opening the door? Help me! You got in there.
You can get out.
I can't.
I can't! Oh, now my clothes are all toilety! OK, let's go back to "opening the door" plan.
You OK? Oh! You right, Tams? Great! Can we get a move on, please? Drive the big stretchy car, thank you! Is the pill messing you up? No.
Hey, pass me those slushies, 'cause I need to keep my fluids up.
Gold Coast! Leave your shop! Leave that job.
And leave your husband! You're way too sexy for him.
Purchase of the year.
What are you doing? Nothing.
Tammy, nobody likes an internet self-diagnoser.
Do you know what the symptoms of an ecstasy overdose are? Raised temperature, rapid pulse, hallucinations.
Well, you do look really gross and sweaty, but you haven't had any hallucinations, have you? No.
Then you're fine.
Why aren't you trashed too? Oh, no, I am.
I just handle it way better.
Did you guys just see that big, giant, massive cockroach? Sounds like a hallucination to me.
I got it.
Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Tam! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I just need to know if you actually exist.
And I need a girlfriend who likes oral sex.
Have a flyer.
That felt real.
Tams! I think that ecstasy had too much ecstasy in it.
Hey, hey! What are you doing? Put me down! Put me down! I don't want to be carried! Put me down! Put me down! This is actually so nice.
You've gotta try this.
It's like hell's finally gotten good.
Like, really good.
Good.
Good decision, straws.
Do we really want to send him in? What does that mean? Well, you look like you've been bashed.
Actually, you have been bashed.
I look like a hard man who's been in a mad street fight.
Good decision, straws.
Can you remove your shirt? Sorry? I need to see that you're not carrying a weapon, sweetie.
And your pants.
Pardon? Your pants.
I promise I'm not I don't have anything.
Do you want the money or not? Hmm.
So is that my phone in your undies, or are you just glad to see me? I've seen a lot of strange things before, but never seen a penis shaped like an iPhone.
But have you seen an iPhone that's shaped like a penis? They're working on that, I hear.
Next generation.
Ah, you're funny.
I like you.
I like you.
I mean, I'm sure I would if I knew you.
Have a seat.
Hmm.
Got a lot of guts coming here.
Do I? Where is he? I so cannot deal with Ed's dead body today.
Tammy's been painful enough.
Oh, just when I start to like you.
Come on.
We're just gonna knock on the front door and hope we don't get shot? We'll just wing it.
Yep? It's me! Shit.
You right? Yeah.
Hey, come here.
It's like you're undressing me in reverse.
Hey, you go to my school.
I'm Annabel.
That's a pretty name.
Is it Clean Up Australia Day? Ah, no, I'm a volunteer.
Beach Wombats.
We clean up after dickheads.
Oh, that is so beautiful! Faster, faster, faster, faster, faster! Whooo! I want to move in here! To the Gold Coast? No, into this bin.
It's awesome! You're a loose unit, Lane.
Would you like a drink, Ed? Yes, please.
How does a nice warm Milo sound? I'm kidding.
Are you a cab merlot drinker? Yep.
Well, you can let that go to message.
So do you have much experience with women, Ed? Not not really.
Do you have any sexual experience? Uh, I You know, $1,500, it's a lot of money.
I was thinking maybe we could do a deal.
You knock some cash off in return for bit of me.
Here.
Look at the menu, see what you like the sound of.
Menu? Yes.
A list of specific acts that I offer.
See if anything takes your fancy.
So, do we have a deal, sweetie? Um yes.
Uh, page seven, please.
Mmm.
Nice choice.
Well! I'll go get my tartans.
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! Ooh.
I need new clothes.
I could give you something.
My place is just around the corner.
You could borrow something of my mum's.
She has really nice clothes.
Yeah? Oh, we don't really have time.
Oh, come on! Just a really, really, really quick stop.
I've got garbage juice in my pants.
OK.
Quick change and then we meet up with the guys.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! What now? Is he getting the cash or what? Does he does he have the phone in his undies? Ew! Oh, please! Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, it's fine, sweetheart.
Here.
What is going on in there? Looks like she's helping him blow his nose.
We've really got to get that guy a few more life skills.
Sorry, I got blood on your floor.
Oh, look, I've had much worse.
Hold that.
I think I should go.
OK.
So, the money? Oh, yes.
Of course.
I'll just get it from the safe for you.
Oops! Must have put in the wrong code.
Did we do that? We couldn't have.
Could be awkward, actually, with three security guards coming any minute.
Or you could leave now and I could say, "Ooh, silly me, I accidentally set off the alarm.
" - What the hell happened back there? - Don't ask.
Did you get the cash? Nope.
We need to get out of here.
Hi, Scarlett.
Hi! What are you doing here? Annabel's mum lives here.
Her name's Grace.
She's an event planner.
Is that right? Yeah, she does really big jobs.
What are you guys doing here? We are collecting for a charity.
It's called Save the World or Die.
Do you think your mum would be interested in donating? Definitely.
Oh, great.
Why are you in your undies? I got hot.
Mum? Oh, hello, angel.
Oh, what's going on? These are my friends from school.
Oh, isn't that nice? They're collecting for charity.
Oh.
Are they really? And I'm sure you'd love to give us a generous donation.
We'll take cash.
Hmm.
Right, then.
And I need some clothes.
$4,900.
$5,000! Yes! And I might be able to be back in time to pick up Tony - just.
And how are you feeling? What? Oh, yeah, good.
Thanks for that pill.
It was totally pilly.
Are you going to tell her, or am I? What? It wasn't ecstasy.
It was Ritalin.
What? Well, I never actually told you it was E.
You just assumed.
You knew? You all knew? How could you not tell me? We found out afterwards.
You started to have a good time.
I didn't want to ruin it.
But I was feeling so Up for it? It was all in your head.
OK, how about we forget about this? We've got the money.
That's what matters, yeah? That's great.
We can just pay $5,000 back to Scarlett's dad to fix Scarlett's problems.
Hey, we all got caught.
We all got caught because Ed wanted to lose his V-plates and thought you were gonna be the lucky girl.
Whoa! Why are you bringing me into the bitch fight for? I mean, it was an obvious choice, wasn't it? I mean, you've obviously been around the ball park, or the burger stand, or whatever they call it.
But Luke got there first.
You just do what you want, don't you? A little bit like Eva.
Hey, maybe you two could get it on! Sorry, guys.
Must be the medication talking.
Ed, can you pull over? That was a nice little speech, but you can piss in a slushie cup.
I'm not stopping for anything Oh! Have you actually worn clothes at any point today, mate? Shut up.
Someone has to get her back.
I'm on a schedule.
Why don't you go? She's your best friend.
Clearly it's a "girl talk, sisterhood of the travelling panties" type of situation.
Well, I'm not going.
She basically called me a slut.
She was just getting back at you for your little placebo gag.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, all that stuff was crazy talk.
Someone has to go.
I found out what my thing is.
Embarrassing freak.
You don't have to be embarrassed.
Liar.
Ritalin works like speed on normal people.
And what does that make me? I got crazy.
I practically had sex with Luke on the boardwalk.
Fuck me, that hill's a bitch.
Got something to say? Yeah.
I'm sorry.
I thought it'd just give you a buzz, but you're the one that went all psychosomatic on my arse.
No, you deliberately humiliated me.
What's so humiliating about having a good time? Besides all the hurling and panic attacks.
You know, you and I aren't as different as you think.
Oh, yeah? And how do you figure that? Clearly there's a side of you that just wants to party.
You should let it out more.
Because the results are just totally awesome when I do.
I'm just saying, we've got some stuff in common.
Like? Like today.
You totally put yourself out there and made up your own reality.
I do that all the time.
Stop being so freakin' scared of yourself.
I think that's about it.
But it stinks.
I just found the mother lode.
Hey, so what's the deal with Tammy? She doesn't know when to stop talking.
No, I mean, does she have a boyfriend or anything? No.
She doesn't have a boyfriend or anything.
Why? She's cute.
What about Scarlett? I'm just saying, she's different.
What exactly did it for you? Was it the verbal vomit or the actual spew? All of it.
What? I'm just thinking how women throw themselves at you and they throw up on me.
Yep.
What's that smell? Uh, air freshener.
Nasty stuff.
Dad, I've got something for you.
Five grand.
It's all there.
Don't I get a "well done"? You don't get it, do you? It wasn't about the money.
It's always about the money with you, Dad.
Anything to say for yourselves? Entire rooms have gone untouched, not to mention the limo being MIA for the last seven hours.
You know, I don't want to intrude or anything, but what the fuck have you been doing with your day? Getting you your cash.
And how exactly did you do that? Uh, let's just say we used our entrepreneurial skills.
If I see any of you near this hotel again, I'll call security and have you removed.
And you, you're fired.
As the bellboy or the limo driver? Both.
You know what? Today wasn't all bad.
As the person who got ralphed on, it was all bad.
Turns out there's this other fun me, just below the surface.
I'm thinking about letting her out more often.
OK, number one, don't speak in third person.
And number two, you were possessed by the devil today.
And when your head spun around and you projectile-vomited into my hair, that was the exorcism.
I am sorry about what I said in the car.
You told the girl of my dreams I'm a virgin.
I like boring, list-making trusty old you.
Thanks.
Mum, I said I don't want anything.
No, no, it's Phillipa.
Can I come in? Hi! Whatcha doing? Um, trying to get some alone time.
I'm not really in the mood to be around people.
Yeah.
People suck.
Cheese! Can I have a beer? Sure.
Take the last one.
I was saving it for you anyway.
Thanks.
Did you just throw yourself at me? Yep.
How's it going, curly? Brilliant.
Sunday morning, cleaning up to pay for a party I wasn't even at.
It was bangin'.
Ed should have more parties.
Well, I can't afford to pay for them, as much as I love seeing what's on hotel sheets.
Yeah.
Hey, let's leave this room for a bit.
Busted! Wow.
Staff here really do care.
Hey, they should put you on the website.
Like what you see? You're gonna have to give me something to look at, prove you're a girl.
Does this look like I'm a girl? Sure as shit doesn't look like you're subtle.
Oh, yes.
Come on, show me yours.
Oh, yes! Tony? Oh, yes! Like that shit? Oh, yeah! Um, Mr Carlyle? Eva.
Take it all off! Uh, Roberto's called in sick.
I want to see more of that man nip.
Come on, I want to see more man nip! Who? The driver.
Why is this my problem? Is that a rhetorical question? How the fuck should I know? Anything else? Uh, the camera button's the red one that says 'camera'.
Hi! I'm Scarlett.
I have really nice hair, and I'm a fully qualified yoga guru.
I learned this move from the Dalai Lama.
It's called the 'downward whore'.
That's a nice little outfit you've got going on there.
Yeah, it says "pole dancer with body issues".
Here.
No, don't tempt me.
Although I'm sure you can just look at a girl and her bra just falls off.
Not quite.
One hand.
Are you here to help or just to brag about your evil superpowers? cleaning up Scarlett's room.
I'm the one that cleans at our house, and now I'm here cleaning up for some girl I don't even like.
Only nine hours to go.
How can your friends make so much mess? My friends? With great party comes great cleaning responsibilities.
Anyone got papers? I think there were some in that pile of rubbish.
I don't think we should be smoking here.
I can handle Tony.
Yeah, you can.
I can't.
Oh, there's chuck in that vase.
Bogan and Coke? Yeah.
Mmmm! Do you think these are Luke's? How would I know? He's with Scarlett.
I just caught them having hugs of the "pants down" variety.
How can I compete with her? It's not about competing.
Everyone's got their own thing.
Yeah.
Scarlett's is 'hot', and yours is 'mysterious'.
What's mine? Why don't you take a break from being you and find out? Nice! Oh! We're slaving away and you're smoking spliffs? I was against it.
Don't worry, there's enough for everybody.
I hate to be a fun-sucker, but, um, we've actually got a lot of work to do, cleaning up for a party that only some of us got to enjoy.
You know what helps when you have to do something really boring? Setting fire to some weed and inhaling the smoke.
Widgey now, cleany later.
Fine.
But it's not the peer pressure.
It's 'cause it's the wrong thing to do.
So I'll do it.
I'm way too relaxed.
Enjoy it for a minute.
This mop is so heavy now! Sorry! Don't! No! Can't even manage an hour's work.
We're getting the stuff out of the pool.
Oh, save it.
Just clean this mess up now! And then we can talk about some sad little payment plan for the five grand you owe me in damages.
Five grand? It wasn't even our fault! Never is with you, daughter.
Which one of you drives like a senior citizen? Ooh, that would be him.
What did I do? So how long have you had your licence? Um, 26 hours.
You drive guests to and from the airport.
Guests only.
Now, this thing is worth a lot more than you.
It needs to be kept spotless at all times.
Keep it clean - got it.
No, no.
Spotless.
You know, as in a level of cleanliness that is, um Anal.
Next to godliness.
One scratch, one testicle.
I wasn't sure how to park.
CBD.
So, how do you think Scarlett's going, living in a new city? OK, not my business.
I get it.
How do you think she's going? Oh, I think she's amazing.
I mean, she's making a go of it.
I hope so.
She's running out of family members to live with.
She's hardly the queen of responsibility, although she could do anything if she put her mind to it and committed to something.
5pm.
When the big hand's on the 12 and the little hand's on the 5, you are here.
Uh, if I do a good job today, will you consider hiring me, maybe as a weekend driver? I'll take that as a yes.
Classy.
I'm guessing Gold Coast.
I thought maybe it belonged to a girl I drove to the airport, but she was on her phone the whole time, even when I was saying goodbye to her.
Oh, sounds like you guys really bonded.
Guys, I think this might belong to a lady of the night.
The roller derby team? No, a sex worker.
Well, why didn't you just say? Because I don't like those names, unless I'm talking about somebody who doesn't actually trade sex for money.
"Naughty John.
" "Single dad with eye patch.
" You'd think she'd be a bit more mysterious.
Look in applications, under transactions.
"Naughty John FS.
" "Full service"? Could mean "Friendly smile".
She's got the whole zoo in there.
Yaha? Yaha! No, I think I'd actually like to use my school uniform for when I go to school, you disgusting sicko! I think I might be thinking what you're thinking.
What are you thinking? Could be a way out of this.
You can't seriously think this is a good idea.
You know what you're saying? What? What are you all not talking about? If they don't pay up, we say we're gonna hand in the phone to the cops or the newspaper.
Ker-ching! It's called blackmail, and don't you think it's a bit extreme? How else are we supposed to pay back five grand? These guys pay for sex.
Now they'll pay us to get screwed in a whole new way.
Or, hey, we could just start mugging old ladies, because they're easy targets.
Would you rather be a lion for a day or a sheep for one hundred? What? It's just something my old PE teacher used to say.
It basically means, you know, grow some metaphoric balls.
Yeah, well, maybe I will.
Maybe I just need to grow some big old hairy balls.
Hang on, we need a car.
Eeeeee! No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Uh-huh.
Whoo! You do not make a mess.
Do not eat anything, do not drink anything.
You know what? Do not touch anything.
We won't.
Except for the minibar.
So, what if none of them care? This'll make them care.
She's got pictures of her clients.
Let me see.
Eww! Well sourced.
Scarlett.
What? Can you wipe that up? And can you please not take any more booze? It's fine, Ed.
We'll replace everything this afternoon.
Fine.
Tammy, you keep a list of everything that gets taken from the bar.
Why do I have to? Because that's what you do.
You make lists.
You plan stationery purchases in Excel spreadsheets.
Yeah, well, today I'm not me.
So put that on your list.
I'm getting messed up.
Check.
Wanna get really messed up? Yeah.
Yeah, I do.
You never do pills.
Well, I've been waiting for a special occasion.
Who's having? I don't want to get all munted by myself.
Pick me! What's going on? It's like a rap video back there.
I'm the one who makes all the mess.
You're the voice of reason.
Well, today I'm taking a holiday from reason.
So shut your pie hole, driver.
Ooh! Sure you want to do this? Pray for me.
I wonder if he's always a clown, or just in the bedroom.
Ooh, don't show that to Ed.
He has a clown fear.
How can you be afraid of clowns? It's a legitimate phobia.
I can't remember what it's called, but lots of people have it.
Coulrophobia.
So what exactly is it that you're scared of? Is it their big giant shoes or their tiny little cars? - I just think they're pure evil.
- Come on, Ed.
We're all friends.
Fine.
On my seventh birthday, my mum got a clown for the party.
And after playing Pin the Tail on the Donkey, I What? What, what, what? I walked in on the clown doing my Aunty Joanne.
From behind.
Oh! With his big smiley face and his crazy hair.
Too easy.
We are all going to hell.
- Who wants a drink? - Me! I can't talk to the clown.
Sick bastard.
Who's going? I'll do it.
- Careful, Tams.
- Yeah, look out, Tams.
He might have a little plastic flower that shoots water.
What a rush! Who's next? The flower shop guy.
I'll take the florist.
Go, go, go, go! Thanks for driving off on me! Did the florist do that to you? Yes, the florist did this.
Ha, ha, ha, hilarious.
He bashed me with some native foliage.
What are you doing? I don't want to get blood on the seats.
Bloody hell! Come here.
Hold still.
And stick this up your nose.
What? The guy's 5-year-old daughter answered the door.
I couldn't do it.
Maybe we should quit while we're ahead.
How much ahead are we? 3,500.
We're nearly there.
Why don't we just go back, give Tony what we've got and we'll work off the rest? Interesting.
Grace wants her little pink phone back.
What are you saying? I asked for 1,500.
That's a lot of money.
She has a lot of incentive.
We're on.
Exchange at her place.
Where does she live? Gold Coast.
Told you! Hang on.
I gotta pick up Tony in a few hours.
It's 45 minutes each way.
Hour tops.
Please, Ed.
I need to show my dad that I can actually see something through.
Yay! Should we get some other stuff? Just the essentials.
We might need disguises.
What do you think? I dunno.
What do you think? I think I'm gonna use this against you at a later date.
Right.
Did you really need the megaphone? You can never have too many ways to be louder! I bought you a present.
Really? Thanks! Come on, people! Where's Tams? Tams? Are you OK? Luke? It's time to go.
I can't! I'm stuck.
Have you tried opening the door? Help me! You got in there.
You can get out.
I can't.
I can't! Oh, now my clothes are all toilety! OK, let's go back to "opening the door" plan.
You OK? Oh! You right, Tams? Great! Can we get a move on, please? Drive the big stretchy car, thank you! Is the pill messing you up? No.
Hey, pass me those slushies, 'cause I need to keep my fluids up.
Gold Coast! Leave your shop! Leave that job.
And leave your husband! You're way too sexy for him.
Purchase of the year.
What are you doing? Nothing.
Tammy, nobody likes an internet self-diagnoser.
Do you know what the symptoms of an ecstasy overdose are? Raised temperature, rapid pulse, hallucinations.
Well, you do look really gross and sweaty, but you haven't had any hallucinations, have you? No.
Then you're fine.
Why aren't you trashed too? Oh, no, I am.
I just handle it way better.
Did you guys just see that big, giant, massive cockroach? Sounds like a hallucination to me.
I got it.
Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Tam! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I just need to know if you actually exist.
And I need a girlfriend who likes oral sex.
Have a flyer.
That felt real.
Tams! I think that ecstasy had too much ecstasy in it.
Hey, hey! What are you doing? Put me down! Put me down! I don't want to be carried! Put me down! Put me down! This is actually so nice.
You've gotta try this.
It's like hell's finally gotten good.
Like, really good.
Good.
Good decision, straws.
Do we really want to send him in? What does that mean? Well, you look like you've been bashed.
Actually, you have been bashed.
I look like a hard man who's been in a mad street fight.
Good decision, straws.
Can you remove your shirt? Sorry? I need to see that you're not carrying a weapon, sweetie.
And your pants.
Pardon? Your pants.
I promise I'm not I don't have anything.
Do you want the money or not? Hmm.
So is that my phone in your undies, or are you just glad to see me? I've seen a lot of strange things before, but never seen a penis shaped like an iPhone.
But have you seen an iPhone that's shaped like a penis? They're working on that, I hear.
Next generation.
Ah, you're funny.
I like you.
I like you.
I mean, I'm sure I would if I knew you.
Have a seat.
Hmm.
Got a lot of guts coming here.
Do I? Where is he? I so cannot deal with Ed's dead body today.
Tammy's been painful enough.
Oh, just when I start to like you.
Come on.
We're just gonna knock on the front door and hope we don't get shot? We'll just wing it.
Yep? It's me! Shit.
You right? Yeah.
Hey, come here.
It's like you're undressing me in reverse.
Hey, you go to my school.
I'm Annabel.
That's a pretty name.
Is it Clean Up Australia Day? Ah, no, I'm a volunteer.
Beach Wombats.
We clean up after dickheads.
Oh, that is so beautiful! Faster, faster, faster, faster, faster! Whooo! I want to move in here! To the Gold Coast? No, into this bin.
It's awesome! You're a loose unit, Lane.
Would you like a drink, Ed? Yes, please.
How does a nice warm Milo sound? I'm kidding.
Are you a cab merlot drinker? Yep.
Well, you can let that go to message.
So do you have much experience with women, Ed? Not not really.
Do you have any sexual experience? Uh, I You know, $1,500, it's a lot of money.
I was thinking maybe we could do a deal.
You knock some cash off in return for bit of me.
Here.
Look at the menu, see what you like the sound of.
Menu? Yes.
A list of specific acts that I offer.
See if anything takes your fancy.
So, do we have a deal, sweetie? Um yes.
Uh, page seven, please.
Mmm.
Nice choice.
Well! I'll go get my tartans.
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! Ooh.
I need new clothes.
I could give you something.
My place is just around the corner.
You could borrow something of my mum's.
She has really nice clothes.
Yeah? Oh, we don't really have time.
Oh, come on! Just a really, really, really quick stop.
I've got garbage juice in my pants.
OK.
Quick change and then we meet up with the guys.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! What now? Is he getting the cash or what? Does he does he have the phone in his undies? Ew! Oh, please! Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, it's fine, sweetheart.
Here.
What is going on in there? Looks like she's helping him blow his nose.
We've really got to get that guy a few more life skills.
Sorry, I got blood on your floor.
Oh, look, I've had much worse.
Hold that.
I think I should go.
OK.
So, the money? Oh, yes.
Of course.
I'll just get it from the safe for you.
Oops! Must have put in the wrong code.
Did we do that? We couldn't have.
Could be awkward, actually, with three security guards coming any minute.
Or you could leave now and I could say, "Ooh, silly me, I accidentally set off the alarm.
" - What the hell happened back there? - Don't ask.
Did you get the cash? Nope.
We need to get out of here.
Hi, Scarlett.
Hi! What are you doing here? Annabel's mum lives here.
Her name's Grace.
She's an event planner.
Is that right? Yeah, she does really big jobs.
What are you guys doing here? We are collecting for a charity.
It's called Save the World or Die.
Do you think your mum would be interested in donating? Definitely.
Oh, great.
Why are you in your undies? I got hot.
Mum? Oh, hello, angel.
Oh, what's going on? These are my friends from school.
Oh, isn't that nice? They're collecting for charity.
Oh.
Are they really? And I'm sure you'd love to give us a generous donation.
We'll take cash.
Hmm.
Right, then.
And I need some clothes.
$4,900.
$5,000! Yes! And I might be able to be back in time to pick up Tony - just.
And how are you feeling? What? Oh, yeah, good.
Thanks for that pill.
It was totally pilly.
Are you going to tell her, or am I? What? It wasn't ecstasy.
It was Ritalin.
What? Well, I never actually told you it was E.
You just assumed.
You knew? You all knew? How could you not tell me? We found out afterwards.
You started to have a good time.
I didn't want to ruin it.
But I was feeling so Up for it? It was all in your head.
OK, how about we forget about this? We've got the money.
That's what matters, yeah? That's great.
We can just pay $5,000 back to Scarlett's dad to fix Scarlett's problems.
Hey, we all got caught.
We all got caught because Ed wanted to lose his V-plates and thought you were gonna be the lucky girl.
Whoa! Why are you bringing me into the bitch fight for? I mean, it was an obvious choice, wasn't it? I mean, you've obviously been around the ball park, or the burger stand, or whatever they call it.
But Luke got there first.
You just do what you want, don't you? A little bit like Eva.
Hey, maybe you two could get it on! Sorry, guys.
Must be the medication talking.
Ed, can you pull over? That was a nice little speech, but you can piss in a slushie cup.
I'm not stopping for anything Oh! Have you actually worn clothes at any point today, mate? Shut up.
Someone has to get her back.
I'm on a schedule.
Why don't you go? She's your best friend.
Clearly it's a "girl talk, sisterhood of the travelling panties" type of situation.
Well, I'm not going.
She basically called me a slut.
She was just getting back at you for your little placebo gag.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, all that stuff was crazy talk.
Someone has to go.
I found out what my thing is.
Embarrassing freak.
You don't have to be embarrassed.
Liar.
Ritalin works like speed on normal people.
And what does that make me? I got crazy.
I practically had sex with Luke on the boardwalk.
Fuck me, that hill's a bitch.
Got something to say? Yeah.
I'm sorry.
I thought it'd just give you a buzz, but you're the one that went all psychosomatic on my arse.
No, you deliberately humiliated me.
What's so humiliating about having a good time? Besides all the hurling and panic attacks.
You know, you and I aren't as different as you think.
Oh, yeah? And how do you figure that? Clearly there's a side of you that just wants to party.
You should let it out more.
Because the results are just totally awesome when I do.
I'm just saying, we've got some stuff in common.
Like? Like today.
You totally put yourself out there and made up your own reality.
I do that all the time.
Stop being so freakin' scared of yourself.
I think that's about it.
But it stinks.
I just found the mother lode.
Hey, so what's the deal with Tammy? She doesn't know when to stop talking.
No, I mean, does she have a boyfriend or anything? No.
She doesn't have a boyfriend or anything.
Why? She's cute.
What about Scarlett? I'm just saying, she's different.
What exactly did it for you? Was it the verbal vomit or the actual spew? All of it.
What? I'm just thinking how women throw themselves at you and they throw up on me.
Yep.
What's that smell? Uh, air freshener.
Nasty stuff.
Dad, I've got something for you.
Five grand.
It's all there.
Don't I get a "well done"? You don't get it, do you? It wasn't about the money.
It's always about the money with you, Dad.
Anything to say for yourselves? Entire rooms have gone untouched, not to mention the limo being MIA for the last seven hours.
You know, I don't want to intrude or anything, but what the fuck have you been doing with your day? Getting you your cash.
And how exactly did you do that? Uh, let's just say we used our entrepreneurial skills.
If I see any of you near this hotel again, I'll call security and have you removed.
And you, you're fired.
As the bellboy or the limo driver? Both.
You know what? Today wasn't all bad.
As the person who got ralphed on, it was all bad.
Turns out there's this other fun me, just below the surface.
I'm thinking about letting her out more often.
OK, number one, don't speak in third person.
And number two, you were possessed by the devil today.
And when your head spun around and you projectile-vomited into my hair, that was the exorcism.
I am sorry about what I said in the car.
You told the girl of my dreams I'm a virgin.
I like boring, list-making trusty old you.
Thanks.
Mum, I said I don't want anything.
No, no, it's Phillipa.
Can I come in? Hi! Whatcha doing? Um, trying to get some alone time.
I'm not really in the mood to be around people.
Yeah.
People suck.
Cheese! Can I have a beer? Sure.
Take the last one.
I was saving it for you anyway.
Thanks.
Did you just throw yourself at me? Yep.