So Weird (1999) s01e02 Episode Script

1 DEMONS COME FROM EVERY SIDE IN THE DARKNESS IS THE LIGHT OUT OF THE SHADOWS OF MY LIFE IN THE DARKNESS IS THE LIGHT IN THE DARKNESS IS THE LIGHT SURRENDER WILL WIN THE FIGHT THIS GIRL'S WALKED ON FIRE AND ICE BUT I COME OU ON THE OTHER SIDE OF PARADISE PARADISE AS LONG AS THERE'S BEEN A TOMORROW, PEOPLE HAVE BEEN OBSESSED WITH TRYING TO SEE I BEFORE IT BECOMES TODAY.
NOSTRADAMUS THOUGH HE COULD SEE THE FUTURE.
OTHERS TRIED LOOKING A TEA LEAVES, CRYSTAL BALLS, OUIJA BOARDS, EVEN THE PALMS OF THEIR HANDS.
FOR THOSE WITH THE SIGHT, THE SIMPLEST THINGS CAN BE USED TO FORETELL WHAT'S TO COME.
BUT EVEN IF WE KNEW FOR SURE WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN, THE QUESTION IS WHAT WOULD WE DO ABOUT IT? LOGGING ON.
YOU HAVE A VISITOR.
RECEIVING FILE.
WOULD YOU GET OUT OF HERE! CLU, GET OUT OF HERE! COME ON, FI, THIS DOCUMENTARY IS GOING TO MAKE US TOTALLY FAMOUS.
I NEED YOU TO SIGN THIS RELEASE FORM.
FI, COME ON.
NORMALLY, YOU WON'T LOOK SO BAD.
YOU'LL HAVE MAKEUP ON.
THAT'S IT, CLU.
FI, COME ON.
IT'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
COME ON.
GOODBYE.
CAN'T I CHECK MY E-MAIL IN PEACE? CANDY, JACK'S WEIRD FRIEND, UNKNOWN? AN E-MAIL FROM NOWHERESVILLE? A WEB SITE LINK, BUT TO WHERE? WHOA, MOM HAS A FAN PAGE? COOL! PRIMITIVE, BUT COOL.
ALL WASHED UP? WAIT A MINUTE.
MOM DOESN'T PLAY THE PARAMOUNT UNTIL TONIGHT.
MOM! "I THINK EVERYONE AT THE PARAMOUNT CLUB "FRIDAY NIGH "WILL AGREE THA MOLLY PHILLIPS' PERFORMANCE, "CAPPED BY THE MOMEN "WHEN SHE FORGO HER OWN UNMEMORABLE LYRICS, "WAS A TOTAL DISASTER, "AND EVERYONE IS NOSTALGIC FOR WHEN SHE WAS WRITING JINGLES FOR TOILET BOWL CLEANSERS.
" WOW.
THAT'S HARSH.
GOOD NATURAL REACTION, JACK.
WHO WROTE THIS? I DON'T KNOW.
IT CUTS OFF BEFORE THE BYLINE.
I GUESS WHOEVER BUIL THE WEB PAGE.
YOU GUYS, I'M GOING TO GET BAD REVIEWS FROM TIME TO TIME, AND, YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.
THE BIG DEAL IS YOU DON'T PLAY THE PARAMOUN UNTIL TONIGHT, MOM.
OKAY, SO MAYBE IT'S AN OLD REVIEW.
MAYBE I BOMBED OUT THERE BEFORE AND I JUST BLOCKED IT OUT.
COOL? NOT COOL? TOO '80s.
RIGHT.
YEAH, BUT THE ARTICLE IS FROM THE DILLON DISPATCH DATED TOMORROW.
IS THIS GOING WHERE I THINK IT'S GOING? WELL, IT COULD BE A SIGN.
LIKE, FROM THE FUTURE? INTO THE CAMERA, PLEASE.
WELL, YEAH.
OOH, IT'S A LAPTOP AND A CRYSTAL BALL.
SPEAK TO ME, ORACLE OF THE MICROPROCESSOR.
WHO DO YOU LIKE FOR THE SUPER BOWL? JACK.
NOW, FI, I THINK THERE MIGHT BE A SIMPLER EXPLANATION FOR ALL OF THIS.
AS IN? AS IN WHOEVER WROTE THIS REVIEW HAS ALREADY DECIDED THAT HE DOESN'T LIKE ME, AND HE'S JUST TRYING TO PSYCH ME OUT.
YOUR MOM'S SORT OF FAMOUS, YOU KNOW, AND PEOPLE DO WEIRD STUFF TO PEOPLE WHO ARE SORT OF FAMOUS.
YEAH, BUT WHAT A CREEPAZOID.
BABY, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, OKAY? YOU'VE GOT TO JUST BLOW THIS OFF.
I CAN'T LET IT GET TO ME.
SURE, MOM.
OKAY.
SEE YOU, MOM.
BYE.
"SORT OF FAMOUS.
" WHOEVER WROTE THIS DIDN'T KNOW WHEN TO QUIT.
LISTEN TO THIS "WHILE WRITING THIS REVIEW, "I HAD CAUSE TO WONDER "IF LAST NIGHT'S VIOLENT THUNDERSTORM "WASN'T SOME KIND OF PUNISHMEN FOR OUR ALLOWING MOLLY PHILLIPS INTO OUR TOWN.
" I MEAN, WHAT A DOPE.
IT'S BEEN TOTALLY CLEAR SKIES ALL DAY.
WHOA.
LIVE MY LIFE IN ONE STRAIGHT LINE THE FUTURE AHEAD AND THE PAST BEHIND NOW I'VE HIT A WALL LIKE I NEVER KNEW AND THEY TELL ME THE ONLY WAY OUT IS THROUGH THE AIR IN THE DARKNESS IS THE LIGHT SEE ME DOWN HERE ON MY KNEES, YEAH IN THE DARKNESS IS THE LIGHT JUST WHEN I THOUGH I LOST LET ME GUESS WHA YOU'RE LOOKING FOR.
IT WASN'T THAT BAD.
I MEAN, IT WASN'T, LIKE, YOU KNOW, A TOTAL DISASTER.
OW! IRENE, STOP KICKING YOUR FAMILY.
WHAT? YOU GUYS, LISTEN.
I WAS PSYCHED OUT LAST NIGHT.
WHOEVER WROTE THIS REVIEW WAS TRYING TO FREAK ME OUT, AND I BOUGHT RIGHT INTO IT, AND LOOK WHO IT WAS WHO? SPENCER.
WAIT A SECOND.
YOU KNOW THIS GUY? YEAH, THAT'S TY SPENCER, ALL RIGHT.
I CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S STILL EVEN IN THE BUSINESS.
DIDN'T HE GET KICKED OFF THE VILLAGE VOICE? YEAH BUT NOT BEFORE HE WROTE YOUR WORST REVIEW SINCE LINCOLN GOT OW! WOULD YOU STOP THAT! YEAH, BUT THAT WAS 12 YEARS AGO.
WHAT'S THE STATUTE OF LIMITATIONS ON A GRUDGE? I'M GOING TO GO DOWN THERE AND FEED THIS GUY HIS REVIEW FOR BREAKFAST.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
WE'RE GOING TO THE MUSIC STORE NOT TO BRING UP A TOUCHY SUBJECT, BUT YOU NEED NEW STRINGS.
SO YOU'RE SAYING YOU THINK IT WOULD BE A BAD IDEA FOR ME TO BE CAUGH DOING UNAUTHORIZED BRAIN SURGERY ON A MUSIC CRITIC.
CAN I FILM IT? CLU! WHAT IF HE DIDN' HAVE A BRAIN? WHY IS IT THAT I'M ALWAYS THE SANE ONE? PROCESS OF ELIMINATION? OKAY, GOOD.
WE'LL TAKE THE CREW BUS, WE'LL GO TO THE STORE, AND WE WILL CONTINUE TO NOT LET THIS BOTHER US.
WHOA, HEY, YOU GUYS, DON'T YOU GUYS STILL HAVE SOME HOMEWORK TO DO? THAT WOULD BE AFFIRMATIVE.
HELP WITH MY GEOMETRY? SORRY, I HAVE AN AMERICAN LIT PAPER DUE.
OVERDUE.
HEY, CAN I GO? I'M FINISHED, AND I'VE GOT TO GET THIS ON TAPE TWO WOMEN BUYING GUITAR STRINGS.
SEE? HE THINKS WE'RE GODDESSES.
YOU'VE TRAINED HIM WELL, ZORKON SIX.
MAYBE I COULD REASON WITH HIM.
OW! FIND THE AREA OF A PARALLELOGRAM IF SIDE "A" IS HALF THE LENGTH STUDY BREAK! LOGGING ON.
YOU HAVE MAIL.
WANT SOME? SPENCER AGAIN.
LOOK, MS.
PHILLIPS, I DIDN'T PREWRITE THAT REVIEW, BUT I CERTAINLY COULD HAVE, GIVEN YOUR MICROSCOPIC AMOUNT OF TALENT.
I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY, YOU BIG FAT LIAR! OH, MOM FLAMED THAT CRITIC GUY.
JACK! JACK.
JACK, COME ON! WHAT'S WRONG? WHAT'S GOING ON? FREE SOUNDTRACK FOR MY MOVIE! HELLO? IRENE, I THOUGH YOU WEREN'T GOING TO LET MOM GO SEE THAT CRITIC GUY.
I DIDN'T.
SHE'S RIGHT HERE.
YOU MEAN SHE HASN'T LEFT YET? YET? WHAT DO YOU MEAN "YET"? I'VE GOT TO GO.
BYE.
FI.
FI! TRY THE ACCORDION.
MOLL WHERE IS SHE? SHE BOLTED IN THE MIDDLE OF MY INTERVIEW.
I ASKED HER TO GIVE ME THE HISTORY ON THAT REVIEWER GUY, AND THEN, LIKE, SHE GOT, LIKE, "WHATEVER," AND LEFT.
WHAT? BUT SHE SORRY, MR.
DEMILLE, NO CLOSE-UPS.
MOM! BAGPIPES.
YOU AREN'T FOOLING ME, SPENCER.
I KNOW YOU WROTE THAT REVIEW BEFORE YOU EVEN SAW ME.
I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE HAVING THIS CONVERSATION.
CAN I HELP YOU? WE'RE LOOKING FOR TY SPENCER.
WELL, THE LINE TO CHEW HIM OU FORMS AT THE RIGHT.
YOU DON' SERIOUSLY BELIEVE THAT IT WAS MOM CALLING SOMEBODY A "BIG FAT LIAR"? I MEAN, WHAT IS SHE, TWO? SHH.
I NEED TO HEAR WHAT THEY'RE SAYING.
I DIDN'T PREWRITE THAT REVIEW, BUT I CERTAINLY COULD HAVE, GIVEN YOUR MICROSCOPIC AMOUNT OF TALENT.
I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY, YOU BIG FAT LIAR! WELL, I'M GLAD TO SEE YOU'RE AS WITTY IN REAL LIFE THEY'RE COMING.
COME ON! NOW, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'D LIKE TO GET SOMETHING MORE SUBSTANTIAL FOR LUNCH THAN THE BILE OF A DISGRUNTLED SINGER.
YOU'RE DISGUSTING.
HEY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, KID? I WAS JUST LEAVING.
NO, I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.
MY MOM IS MOLLY PHILLIPS, AND SHE'S A GREAT SINGER AND A GREAT SONGWRITER, AND SHE MAKES PEOPLE GET UP AND DANCE, AND MAYBE IF YOU'D EVER MADE SOMEBODY GET UP AND DANCE, YOU'D KNOW HOW AMAZINGLY COOL IT IS, AND YOU WOULDN'T BE SO MEAN ALL THE TIME.
NOW I'M GOING TO GO.
SO I TURNED TO HIM AND I SAID, "OH, YEAH? "WELL, AT LEAST MY CAREER PATH IS ON THE UPSWING.
"I MEAN, IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED, " THE DILLON DISPATCH ISN'T EXACTLY A STEP UP FROM THE VILLAGE VOICE!" NO WAY! YES WAY.
WOW, YOU SHOWED HIM, MRS.
P! ACTUALLY, I DIDN'T SAY ANY OF THAT, BUT I DID KICK HIS CAR TIRE.
WELL, AT LEAS YOU SHOWED HIS CAR.
OW.
MOLLY, AS YOUR FRIEND AND PROBABLY YOUR FUTURE LEGAL GUARDIAN, I ORDER YOU TO FORGE ABOUT THIS NITWIT, OKAY.
I'M TELLING YOU, IT WAS A COINCIDENCE.
WHAT WAS A COINCIDENCE? SIS HERE THINKS SHE HEARD AUDIO CLIPS ON HER COMPUTER OF THAT SPENCER GUY AND MOM ARGUING.
I DID HEAR THEM.
WHICH, BY THE WAY, HAVE SOMEHOW DISAPPEARED.
I'M LOOKING! SO SHE TAKES ME DOWN TO SPENCER'S OFFICE WHERE WE DO A LITTLE AFTERNOON EAVESDROPPING AND THE SAME CONVERSATION I HEARD ON MY COMPUTER I HEARD THERE, WORD FOR WORD.
SO IT WAS ANOTHER MESSAGE FROM THE FUTURE.
OR ANOTHER TANGEN FROM THE GIRL WHO DOESN'T LIKE GEOMETRY.
BUT THERE'S MORE.
AFTER JACK RAN OFF LIKE A CHICKEN HEY! SOMETHING EVEN WEIRDER HAPPENED.
THE COMPUTER IN THE NEWSPAPER OFFICE SHOWED ME THIS.
WE'RE GOING TO GET A DOG? STELLAR! NO, BUT THIS WAS THE FOOTAGE OF OUR BUS CRASHING JUST OUTSIDE OF ROCKVILLE.
UH-HUH.
OR MAYBE YOU JUST MISTOOK THAT LITTLE RAT DOG FOR A GREYHOUND.
BUT WAIT, IT WAS OUR BUS CRASHING.
I MEAN, DON'T YOU GET IT? THEY'RE TRYING TO SHOW US A SIGN.
OH, PLEASE.
SO THIS SPENCER GUY WRITES A REVIEW BEFORE THE SHOW, THEN GETS HIS GIRLFRIEND TO DO MOM'S VOICE IN AN ARGUMENT, WHICH ANY OF US COULD'VE WRITTEN IN ADVANCE, AND NOW HE'S PUT UP A VIDEO OF A BUS CRASH AS A PARTING SHO TO FREAK US ALL OUT.
AND LOOK AT YOU, YOU'RE BUYING INTO THE WHOLE THING HOOK, LINE AND SINKER.
REEL ME IN.
I'M DINNER! JACK, THIS IS NO JUST ABOUT SPENCER.
DON'T YOU GET IT? WHOEVER MADE THE WEB SITE IS TRYING TO SHOW US THAT HE OR SHE CAN PREDICT THE FUTURE.
OR BACK ON EARTH, THIS SPENCER GUY RIGGED HIS COMPUTER IN CASE SOMEBODY LIKE YOU WERE LISTENING IN.
BUT, JACK, I'M TELLING YOU LOOK, I CAN SOLVE THIS RIGHT NOW.
CLU, GO GET YOUR DAD.
YO, DAD, COME OVER HERE! NICE.
DUDE, I DON'T WAN TO MISS ANYTHING.
YOU BELLOWED? ALL RIGHT, MR.
BELL, WHAT'S OUR ITINERARY FOR THE NEXT COUPLE OF DAYS? WELL, WE'RE IN DEER FALLS TONIGHT, AND THEN WE'RE OFF TO TENNESSEE FOR TWO DAYS.
AND DOES ANY OF THA TAKE US NEAR ROCKVILLE? NO.
NOT UNLESS YOU'RE LOOKING AT THE MAP UPSIDE DOWN.
I'M BUSY, GUYS.
SEE? NO ROCKVILLE, AND NO BUS CRASH.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
[ ENGINE NOT TURNING OVER .]
HI, TY.
YOU NEED A RIDE HOME AGAIN? NO.
ACTUALLY, WHAT I NEED TO KNOW IS WHERE MOLLY PHILLIPS IS PLAYING NEXT.
I DON'T KNOW.
WELL, COULD YOU LOOK? HERE.
MOLLY PHILLIPS IS PLAYING DEER LODGE TOMORROW.
YOU FORGET TO GE THE LAST WORD IN? I GUESS YOU COULD SAY THAT.
THERE YOU GO.
HEY, DON'T TAKE THE MAIN ROAD.
MAJOR DAMAGE FROM THAT STORM LAST NIGHT.
HERE, I'LL GIVE YOU A SHORTCUT.
OKAY, SO YOU'RE ON THE HIGHWAY, TAKE THIS EXIT HEY.
SO, SINCE I HAVEN' HEARD WORD ONE FROM YOU ALL NIGHT, I'M DOING A VERY RARE BIG BROTHERLY THING AND CHECKING UP ON YOU.
GOSH, THANKS.
SERIOUS.
FOUR IS WRONG, BY THE WAY.
SERIOUS? LOOK, EVEN IF THAT WASN' OUR BUS, IT'S STILL A BUS SOMEWHERE, AND I'M GOING IN THE TOTAL WRONG DIRECTION AND CAN'T DO A THING ABOUT IT.
LOOK, IF THERE REALLY IS ANYTHING TO THIS WEIRDO'S SITE, WHICH, AS YOU KNOW, I DOUBT, THEN MAYBE HE JUS WANTS TO BECOME PART OF YOUR CIRCLE OF FREAKY FRIENDS SEARCHING FOR "THE TRUTH".
VERY COMFORTING.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
YEAH, I DO.
THANKS.
NO PROB.
NIGHT, JACK.
NIGHT.
HONEY? SWEETIE.
HONEY? YEAH? YOU HAVEN'T TAKEN ME TO A DEMOLITION DERBY IN YEARS.
EVERYTHING'S OKAY, RIGHT? YEAH, YEAH.
THERE'S A LOT OF BRANCHES AND STUFF ON THE ROAD.
I DON'T WANT TO BLOW A TIRE.
WHAT IS IT? IT'S A DETOUR.
NOT TO WORRY.
LOGGING ON.
RECEIVING FILE.
JACK? THE CAR.
MOM, LOOK OUT FOR THE CAR! THERE'S GOING TO BE A CAR.
WATCH OUT! WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU KIDS OKAY? ANYONE HURT? JACK? HOW DID YOU KNOW? SPENCER? WHY ARE YOU HERE? ARE YOU OKAY, HONEY? I THINK EVERYBODY'S ALL RIGHT.
YEAH, YEAH, I'M FINE.
SON? I'M OKAY, DAD.
WHAT HAPPENED? I'M OKAY.
I'M OKAY.
HEY.
HE WAS TRYING TO CATCH UP TO US TO APOLOGIZE.
HIS CAR STALLED ON THE ROAD.
HE DIDN'T HAVE ANY FLARES.
FIONA.
YOU SAVED HIS LIFE.
MOMMY? YES, BABY? DOES EVERYTHING HAPPEN FOR A REASON? I DON'T KNOW.
BUT I DO KNOW THA YOU'RE AN AMAZING PERSON.
COME ON, LET'S GO TO BED.
HOW IMPORTANT IS ONE LIFE? DID ALL THIS HAPPEN JUST SO I COULD SAVE THAT GUY WHO WROTE MEAN STUFF ABOUT MOM? AND WHO SENT THOSE MESSAGES? COULD IT HAVE BEEN MY DAD? OR IS JACK RIGHT? YOU HAVE MAIL.
UNKNOWN.
WHO ARE YOU?