Solos (2021) s01e02 Episode Script

1
Imagine meeting yourself.
Who do you see?
- It's wrong.
- What?
-What?
Really. What?
Look, everything. All right?
Everything is wrong.
-Well, I read that
every reunion is different.
-Don't call it that.
-What do you want me
to call it, Tom?
-I don't know,
but it's not a reunion.
- Mm
- I shouldn't have called.
All right?
I should have never called.
-I wouldn't be here
if you hadn't called.
-That's what I'm saying.
My nose isn't
I have a
And your neck!
It's all, like, fuckin' necky.
-We're identical, Tom.
You think this is easy for me,
to meet you for the first time?
Well, fuckin' A,
it must be easy for you.
If you think you look like me,
it must be like winning
a fuckin' jackpot!
-Oh, you're an asshole.
- You can't call me that.
- I just did, asshole.
-You You can't do that.
All right?
There's There's
There's a user agreement.
It's not supposed to
be like this.
-Well, what'd you expect,
we'd blow each other?
-I saw one of these reunions
on the "Today Show." Okay?
A doctor told me about it,
said I should see it.
So I YouTube'd the damn thing
and there she was.
National treasure, Hoda Kotb.
She had this old woman on.
Ovarian cancer. Her.
They brought out
the old woman's twin.
God, they were identical.
Carbon copy.
I mean there were tears,
and they were holding hands.
And no one could believe it,
I mean
her family was there
and they were just
And it was all like
That's why we're even here.
That's why I looked up
the website.
That's why I called
the customer care rep,
paid the 30 grand and agreed
to wait six to eight weeks.
It's just all fuckin' wrong.
-Well, like I said,
every reunion is different.
-I said don't call it that.
-What would you like
for me to call it, Tom?
-I don't know.
A meeting,
a.a.a business meeting.
-Well, most of these
are done at home.
-Well, I would never
let you near my family.
-Look, I'm sorry
Hoda Kotb isn't here.
-It's not about Hoda Kotb.
-This was never gonna be like
the "Today Show," Tom.
And it's because the company
chose that old woman,
because she was sweet and kind,
and she was a good crier,
and she was from Akron, Ohio,
and she wasn't an asshole.
You are an asshole, Tom.
And this is your nose,
and these are your eyes,
and your neck is
pretty fuckin' necky.
I'm sorry to be the one to have
to tell you that, but it's true.
-I didn't pay 30 grand
to be criticized like this.
I'm calling customer care.
-You know what that
could do to me?
-Yes, I do.
Yes, returning customer.
-Yeah, hi, Bennett, how are you?
My name is Tom Wykgowski.
Account number?
I don't have it.
Oh, I can just ask
Tom,
are you still there?
Yeah, I'm still here.
-854
- 854
- 33
- 33
- 2
- 2
- 9.
Yes. Okay.
Yes, hi, Bennett.
Yes, he came today. Right.
But I paid 30 grand for this
He looks nothing like me.
All right, fine.
You know what?
Looks aside
He acts nothing like me,
Bennett.
He's He's petty,
he's sarcastic,
and he's a fuckin' asshole.
No, Bennett, I'm not an asshole.
-You can look up my account
all you want
Well, what's
an asshole quotient?
And how the hell am I a seven?
Mother Look,
I want my fuckin' money back!
I want a full refund.
That's right.
I'll drop him off at
the nearest packaging center
This is supposed to be
more like Hoda Kotb!
-How'd that go, Tom?
Well.
Look, the guy
from your company said
my asshole quotient is seven.
-You called your
daughter's friend a dipshit
two days ago over text
to your wife.
- Well, Bailey is a dipshit.
- She's four, Tom.
What other quotients
are there?
-Anger is a six.
Sarcasm is an eight.
Fear is a nine.
-Who did you even talk to
about this?
-Your mom.
-You talked to my mom?
-And I had a lovely time.
-What did she say?
-Well, she told me
all about you.
- What did she say?
- That's confidential.
-Please.
-She said you picked your nose
a lot as a kid.
She said you hated
her tuna casserole.
She said she once
walked in on you masturbating
to an episode of
the "Powerpuff Girls."
-That never happened.
-She said she's angry with you.
She doesn't know why
you haven't called her
in five months.
-Does she hate me?
- Why would she hate you?
- I don't know.
- Why would your mother hate you?
- 'Cause I'm leaving.
-But you're not leaving.
-I am, though.
-Tom, you're not leaving.
-I'm leaving.
Four to five months.
That's how long they said
I had left, right?
That's what they gave me.
- I know that.
But your not leaving.
It's not your choice.
It has nothing to do with you.
Now, of course,
she doesn't hate you.
She loves you.
That's why she's angry
with you, she just
wishes you would call.
Look, I know you.
- You don't.
- I do.
Parts of you, at least.
And I know that
you're not gonna let
30 grand go to waste.
We don't have a lot of
time left together, Tom.
We only have about
15 minutes.
And we have a lot more to cover.
So
I think we should
get started, right?
-Fine.
-Okay.
-The accounts
can all be accessed
through my computer.
- I know.
-So you need to make sure that
you're diversifying the fund.
-Class C-53 bonds at
a net rate divestment of
34.56 percent market cap.
I spent the morning
looking over your books.
-You can't just
That's 15 years of work.
It took me 15 years
to build that.
-And it adds up to
a simple algorithm.
Just a simple code.
It's amazing what we
spend our time doing. Right?
Tom, I've poured through
millions of your emails,
text messages, photos,
home videos, blog posts,
Twitter feeds, pig vid stories,
but I need things that
can't be measured.
Or read.
Or viewed or seen.
I need things that make you you.
Do you understand?
-I guess.
-Okay.
So, tell me about Kelly.
Where'd you two meet?
-You read my questionnaire,
you know where we met.
-It's not about where you met.
It's about how you tell me
where you met.
What it sounds like
in your voice.
What I see in your eyes.
-We met through friends.
We were both living in L.A.
and
we went out on a date.
Like they used to do
in the old days.
We got together and
kind of never got
"untogether."
-So what do I need to know
about Kelly?
-What kind of question is that?
-The company gives us
a list of questions.
This is one of them.
What do I need to know
about Kelly?
-This is so stupid.
Okay.
What you need to know
about Kelly is
she's allergic to meat.
Which, if you ask her,
she'll tell you
that does not mean
she's a vegetarian.
She loves hamburgers and
pork chops, tenderloins.
She just gets a nasty rash
afterwards.
-So, do I cook her
a steak dinner or not?
You're fucked either way.
What else?
-Kelly loves to sing.
But is so self-conscious
about it
that she pretends she has
a terrible voice
and won't even try.
So you have to have Alexa
play show tunes
like "Music Man" or
"Oklahoma!",
"Guys And Dolls,"
anything with Doris Day
or Vera Lynn.
And then
She won't be able to
help herself.
-It's so beautiful.
I'm gonna miss hearing her sing.
Gonna miss hearing
a lot of things.
Kelly is a great mom.
Like a really great mom.
She can anticipate anything.
And the kids love
being around her.
So you have to let her
give them their bath.
You have to let her
put 'em to bed.
You have to let her
read 'em their stories.
And don't get upset if they
ask for her when they wake up,
or if they ask for her
before they go to bed.
Because they still
love you. Me.
It's just different.
And I can't get mad because
I would love her
more than me, too.
-Hm.
-I do love her more than me.
That's why I paid the 30 grand.
When we saw the thing
Hoda Kotb was
I just didn't want her
to be alone.
-Mm-hm.
Kelly farts, man.
God, she really does fart.
It's the silent ones.
Code red.
Those are the ones
you gotta watch out for.
Can you smell?
- Technically.
-God. Then I apologize
ahead of time.
-I'll even miss her farts.
-What about Wilder?
- Wilder.
- Mm-hm.
-My boy.
Wilder is a genius.
Like, he he's really smart.
Now, you know how every parent
thinks their kid is a g
Well, you don't know,
but every parent thinks
their kid is a genius,
but Wilder really is,
I mean, he's
He's a genius.
He's really kind.
So kind.
And he loves not knowing things,
which is really hard
because he's a genius.
But he loves it.
Because he loves
discovering new things.
He'll go down
a Wikipedia worm hole
for a week,
and become an expert on
the most random things.
Pez dispensers and Micronesia.
Or lymphoma.
And he loves playing with
his action figures,
making stories up,
and I I love watching him.
But he gets embarrassed
if he knows
if he knows I'm there, so
I can't let him know.
Sometimes,
when he knows I'm there,
he'll call the figures
Dad and Wilder,
and he'll make 'em go on
these incredible journeys,
these incredible
incredible adventures,
all because he knows
I'm watching,
and he knows
it makes me so happy.
-I don't know, Tom.
I don't know that
he knows you're watching.
I think he just does that.
Yeah.
He loves when I get him
Rocky Road ice cream
from Carvel.
And he hates when I'm
on the phone for work.
I'm on the phone too much.
-So I'll be on the phone
too much.
-No.
He'll be really strong
for Kelly and Peg.
-And Peg.
Peg.
She's the boss, man.
She's the commander in chief.
My little girl, the the
the queen of the castle.
And tough as nails.
I remember when the adoption
agency brought her home,
and I held her in my arms,
this this little creature.
I held her in my arms, man.
And that little heartbeat
told me everything
I needed to know;
all the secrets,
all the instructions,
and from then on
She's like me.
For better or for worse,
she's a little me.
Peg won't go to bed
unless you give her
three kisses on her cheek
two kisses on her forehead
and one little kiss on her nose.
And Peg's not scared
of anything.
Which sounds like what you'd
want from your kids,
but what you actually want
is for your kids
to be scared of certain things.
Like raccoons by the trashcan
or a hot stove or
speeding cars or heights and
you just can't let her
out of your sight.
Ever.
Which seems like a task but
now I wish
-You'll never have to let her
out of your sight again.
-Oh. And me and Peg have this
this secret handshake.
So it's
One, two, three.
One, two. One.
You got it?
Okay, faster.
Yeah.
-Well, it sounds nice.
-What's that?
-Being here.
Being you,
just being.
-Yeah.
It's nice.
Sometimes hard.
But I guess it beats
the alternative, right?
-Tom.
-Yeah, Tom?
-I'm glad you're here.
I'm happy that you
you get to be.
- I'm nervous.
- About what?
-Well, that I won't be
just like you.
That I'm gonna be
imperfect or
gonna do something wrong.
-Then you'll be just like me.
Shit, I'm nervous, too.
-About what?
-That you'll be just like me.
-I don't understand.
-Yeah, and then they'll
forget about me.
-They'll never forget you.
-How do you know?
-Because I'll make sure that
I won't be just like you;
that when Peg asks for
a kiss goodnight,
I'll give her two kisses on
the cheek instead of three.
And when Wilder asks for Carvel,
I'll bring him Cookies and Cream
instead of Rocky Road.
-And when Kelly farts loudly,
I'll call it a code red
that just for a moment
-They'll remember.
And I might look like you,
sound like you,
feel like you, but
I'm not you.
Never will be.
I never could be.
-But what if
what if they send you back?
What if they say
there's an error,
and they have to send a new you,
and you have to teach him
how to be Tom?
-Yeah, but I still would have
been Kelly's husband.
I still would have been
Wilder and Peg's dad.
I still would have been.
For a little while.
-And you know
You know what else?
You know what I realize?
-What's that, Tom?
-You're the luckiest man
in the world.
- Well, that makes you
- That's right.
I think I am.
-We're out of time, Tom.
-Yeah, I've been hearing that
a lot lately.
-Anything else you want to add?
-Everything.
I want to add everything.
But there isn't time, is there?
See?
This is what I imagined.
When I saw the Hoda Kotb thing,
when I called
This feels right.
-Tom.
-Yeah.
-I'm sorry I called you
an asshole.
-I am an asshole.
-No. You're just a person.
A human being.
That isn't always easy.
And that's okay.
- And, Tom.
- Yeah.
-I'm glad I got you.
I mean, I'm glad I'm you.
-Me, too.
Me, too.