Son of a Critch (2022) s01e02 Episode Script

By the age of twelve, I had seen more corpses than most coroners.
My family didn't throw parties.
We didn't go to restaurants.
We socialized at wakes.
It's a sin, Alice, but hardly a surprise.
He was such a heavy smoker and all.
And all your second-hand smoke didn't help either.
Oh, but, still, dear, this is not on you.
Oh, there, there.
You just let it all out, girl, yes.
Hell of a man.
We lost a good one.
My life was more wakes than birthday parties and so I grew to love the company that death brought.
Hm, say one for me while you're down there.
There was only one other person who loved a wake as much as me My pop.
Oh, sweet Jesus, what an ugly corpse! I've seen Christmas hamper turkeys that were better-stuffed.
I wouldn't be caught dead in that suit.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
They did a really good job on him.
90 years old and he died too young.
He looks just like himself.
A-And beautiful suit you've got on him.
Oh.
Oh, it's all right.
I can't tell whether he's come to pay his respects, or crawl in with the corpses.
Well, here comes the honourable member, sniffing around for votes.
Tactless.
I mean, the body isn't even cold.
Well, the soup is, though.
Shocking! Agh! I'll be right back.
Pst! Do you want these? No.
Oh, really? Paying your respects? Well Came to the right undertaker.
Mr.
Anderson is the best.
Top-notch.
I'm here for my great-uncle.
Natural causes no kids.
Lived a good, clean life.
No reason for tears.
It's not scary.
It's just like a birthday party, but in reverse.
Well, no presents, just flowers.
But you do get cards.
When I go, I want my obituary to read "lordy, lordy, look who's dead.
" Maybe some plastic flamingos on my grave? - You know, I could - I never seen a dead body before.
Her first corpse! I couldn't believe my luck.
I didn't play hockey, I couldn't dance, but if there was one thing I could do, it was work a funeral home.
Allow me.
This was more like a party than a wake.
The dead I could handle.
It was the living I feared.
Don't worry.
I go to one of these a week.
I'd never seen a young corpse before.
A jean jacket? I didn't know Caul's had casual friday.
And the number seven basic-model plywood casket with no inlay and an off-white crepe interior that seemed almost phoned in.
I was surprised they didn't just throw him in a plastic bag and toss him in the harbour.
So, who do we have here? My uncle Darby.
He moved away when I was young.
Natural causes, or He got stabbed in jail.
Everyone's gonna say he "Passed away suddenly.
" That's how they'll write it up in the paper.
Don't worry.
No one'll know.
Get up, Darby! You're not gonna let a few old stabs keep ya' down, are ya? He's gone, boy, let him go! You let go of me! What are you even doing here? You didn't even like Darby! What are you talking about? Want to get out of here? I know a quiet little place where we could get a bite to eat.
The woman over there.
How long and what cause? Easy.
She's got, like, 12 years, max.
Heart attack.
Hm, okay, hm.
Buddy over there with the long face over by the mass cards? His mother lived 'til she was 92.
But he smokes a pipe.
Put him down for six years.
Okay, missy.
Your turn.
All right, that woman over there kneeling by the casket.
Two years.
Hit by a truck? Oh-ho! She's a keeper! I like the way she thinks.
Ha.
Come on.
I got us a ride with Alice.
There's always room in a widow's car.
We're between cars.
Thanks for being so sweet.
I better find my Mom.
And there it was: my first kiss.
And it happened in a funeral home, which would be strange for some, but not for me.
It was as natural as if it had gone down at a garden party.
And why not? The legion made the sandwiches for both events.
Things are looking up.
The next day she wasn't in school.
I wanted to ask where she was, but I didn't even know her name! Attention, children! Mr.
Chafe is concerned that part of your education is lacking.
- I didn't mean for - Oh, don't.
You wanted it taught and so it will be taught.
By you.
Take it away.
Huh.
Children! Go ahead, Mr.
Chafe.
I expect to learn a thing or two myself.
You're young men and women now and your bodies are going to start to change.
The boys are going to start to wear deodorant and the girls are gonna start wearing You know.
There comes a time in life Yes, Fox? Do you mean sex? - Yes! - No! I told you if we taught reproduction it would devolve into a conversation about Sex! I already knew everything I needed to know about the birds and the bees.
I was in love.
- What's her name? - Huh? What's her name? Feeling chatty? Why don't you tell us the parts of the reproductive system? See? Children are just too young to learn about such things.
Womb, fallopian tubes, ovaries.
But you don't have any of that, Ritchie.
You only got a dicky bird.
Look what you started! You're the one who asked what a dicky-bird was, sister.
Not a very appropriate question, if you ask me.
I will see you in your office after school.
Get out your bibles.
Hello, neighbour! What a surprise.
Need a cup of sugar or you already sweet enough? No, I need a car, though.
Sick of bumming rides.
How much are you selling her for? How about a deal for an old friend? Oh, no, Mary, you don't want this one.
Station told me to get rid of her.
Shocks are gone and the brake pads are as bald as the tires.
Besides, Mike would kill me.
Mike's not the one buying her, though, is he? Now, you take me for a test drive right now or I'm going to go into that station and tell Mr.
Butler that you're refusing to sell his junk because you're sexist! You're not eating.
I'm not hungry.
You're in love with the fox! You crazy? Why would you say that? You must like somebody.
You look miserable and she's the only girl that will talk to us.
Okay.
But promise you won't say anything.
(WHISPERING) I like what's-her-name.
Who? That girl who wasn't in class.
So, you like her, but you don't even know her name? Well Do you mind if I ask Fox out, then? Are you nuts? You can't ask Fox out! So, you do like her! You can't have all the girls! Not what's-her-name and Fox! Look at the sucky babies! The dreaded Fox brothers.
The only things that differentiated them from one another was their ages and their mothers.
Oh, gross! Japanese food.
I'm Filipino.
What'd you say? I don't speak chinese! The Foxes' inability to properly bully Ritchie was a stunning indictment of the catholic school geography program.
You want your sandwich back, geek? Not really.
Well, you're not getting it! Okay.
I hear you've got a crush on my sister.
Who told you that? Mr.
Miyagi over there just said it.
Mr.
Miyagi is Japanese.
Shut up, short-round! Vietnamese.
Try anything with my sister and I'll rip your nuts off, feed 'em to your boyfriend, tell him they're chicken balls.
That's chinese! Besides, he's not into your sister.
He already told me he likes somebody else.
Will you shut up? You hear that? This little tool doesn't love you anymore.
Aw! Heart burn! Hey! What the hell? What the hell are you doing? What? I got rid of them, didn't I? A little to the right, Mary.
Look out! To the left, now! Oh, which is it? Make up your bloody mind.
Driving is like colouring; you have to stay inside the lines.
Too much stuff on here! You do have a license, right? Don't be so foolish! Of course I do! I use it for the I.
D.
to cash cheques.
Pull over to the side! Oh, mother! Oh, how do I turn this bloody siren off? It's got me all distracted! That's not our siren.
It's the cops.
Well, this steering doesn't work! I'm not paying full price for this! Good God! Who the hell is calling the house at this hour? It's eight o'clock at night! Mary! Telephone! Mike! Telephone! In our house, everyone could hear your conversation even if they didn't want to.
But they all wanted to.
Well, somebody answer it! Hello? My mother always answered the phone in a mildly english accent.
Just one moment, please.
My God, it's a girl! For Mark! - For Mark? - What? Good God, what does she want? How do you do? May I ask who's telephoning? Some hussy named Tina.
Tina! I knew her name! I finally had the missing piece to the puzzle of my 12-year-old heart.
Can I please have the phone? Hello? Hi, it's me, Tina.
Oh, hi, Tna.
Tina? Tina who? Who's Tina.
Tina from the funeral home.
Tina Reardon? Her uncle was stabbed in prison.
Hard as nails, that crowd! Ask her if her mother will do an interview about the murder.
Uh, how you doing? - I'm okay.
- Cool.
She's too hard for you, Mark! You'll get stabbed.
Wasn't hard to find your number.
You're the only critch on Kenmount Road.
- Only house, too.
- Cool.
I had a nice time at the funeral home.
You want to, I don't know, do something some time? Cool.
Oh, the boy is quite the conversationalist.
Ah, do you want to go to the park tomorrow, around two? Meet you by the swings.
Cool.
Tell her you think she's pretty.
Ask her how many times her uncle was stabbed.
I wanted to tell her that I'd never felt so alive in my young life and we would always have the joyful sadness of the funeral home.
Tina, I I No! I don't have her number! Well, you really shagged that one up.
I'm going to my room.
Everyone ju-just leave me alone! There's no better place for a broken-hearted pre-teen than his bedroom.
A private sanctuary where All right, don't mind me.
I know you want to be alone.
I'll be quiet as a church mouse.
Oof! Oh, ohh.
My dogs are barking.
Good night! Hm, hm-hm-hm.
Oh, Jesus I can't smoke lying down anymore.
I must be getting old.
Do you want some unsolicited advice? Don't try anything on the first date.
A woman likes to be romanced.
A gentleman saves that stuff for the second date.
And on our third date, your grandmother told me she was pregnant! Huh?! Good night.
I had a date! That is, if I could only get to it.
How come you're all dressed up? You got a date! Can I come? No! Where's Victoria Park? I think I've got to get the route 2? No, you take the route 3 then transfer at parade street.
Where's that? You sure you don't want me to come? Okay, but promise you won't follow us and be weird? I promise.
I'll just watch you guys from the bushes No weird stuff.
Okay.
Cool.
Can we get two transfers, please? Hey, dicks.
Oh, hi, Fox! We've got a date! - What? - Uh, not with each other.
With a girl.
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Well, he has a girl, I don't.
You're a girl, so maybe we can double-date? Ow! - What girl? - He doesn't know her name.
My God, yes, I do! It's nothing! Hey, driver, I want a transfer, too.
Hey.
Hey.
So, come here often? Her hands were as soft as the most expensive toilet paper at the supermarket.
They were almost as soft as mine.
Ow! Uncle! Uncle! I'll call you! I gotta go.
My second kiss! At this rate, I'd be married by my 13th birthday.
Nice work.
Wanna go down the slide? Race ya'! Good God! Who's calling the house at this hour? It's half past seven at night! I'll get it! - Hello? - Hi.
It's Tina, the hussy.
That was amazing.
I I'm breaking up with you.
What? Why? I don't know.
'Cuz you're slack.
Slack? What's slack? She means you didn't put out, son.
Oh, that's my fault.
Tell her about the second date! Slack? Sister Rose was right: we were too young for this.
Can't we just Hang on.
Just leave me alone! That brazen little hussy.
Oh, she better not call here anymore! You know, her father's nowhere to be found.
I talked to joan down at the supermarket and she told me that No, no, no.
Oh, mm.
I've got it.
Yeah, little surprise for ya'.
Hm? Ham and cheese.
Nice.
Mm.
Come on! How was your date? I guess I'm not ready yet.
Oh Don't worry.
You will be.
Women are what they call An acquired taste.
Like stale funeral sandwiches? Ah, Christ, no! No.
I wish I could tell you that it doesn't matter, that you'll forget her.
The truth is You'll always remember the first one.
And the last.
Hm.
It's just the ones in the middle that don't seem to matter all that much.
You just try and squeeze in as many of those as you can.
Sitting there on my bed as Pop and I polished off the funeral sandwiches, I learned two things: One, you can't hurry love.
And, two, the pain of heartache is no match for heartburn.
Good night.
Good night, Pop.
Oh, Jesus!