Son of the Beach (2000) s01e02 Episode Script
Silence of the Clams
[Singing.]
Stayin shape It'syour duty Oryou'll end up with Oprah's booty Come on,you bunch of out ofshape tubbos! This job takes strength, endurance and coord-- Aah! [ Notch .]
Wait there! I'll join you! OK, SPF-30ers.
One hour from now this beach is gonna be invaded.
Invaded? Then we must get to high ground and build bunkers! No, Chip.
The beach is gonna be invaded by college students.
It's spring break.
Be still my hearty, we gonna party! You girls are all that.
Wait.
Let's not celebrate justyet.
What's that on the beach over there? I don't know.
Let's take a look.
[ Chip .]
I wanna be just like him.
Shellfish? Well, that's weird.
Usually, it's used condoms and broken syringes.
[ Sniffs .]
Ohh! You people ever smelled a bad clam? Uh-uh.
[ Sniffing .]
- Ugh! - Damn! Yo, check this out.
It's a 2-headed kingfish.
Holy mackerel! Something in that ocean is meshugenah.
Notch, what are we gonna do? There's only one thing to do: I'm closing the beach for spring break.
Tonight's episode [ Announcer.]
We apologize in advance for this episode of Son ofthe Beach.
[ Massengil .]
You want me to do what? Johnson, let me break this toyou as gently as I possibly can.
Noooo! But, Mayor, before I became a lifeguard I was a marine biologist.
Way to move up, sweetie.
Look, you two.
College students from all over the country have chosen Malibu Adjacent as their home for spring break.
After a tough year of drinking and fornicating these kids need to blow off some steam.
Plus, the hottest show on TV is going to be here.
Walker, Texas Ranger? No, you lamebrain chowderhead.
MST--Music and Sex Television.
Andthey're going to interview me.
But what about this? I'm not gonna let that ruin my chance for national exposure.
OK, fine, Mayor, but I'm warning you.
Ifthe press finds out about these bad clams you're the one who's going down.
"Cancel spring break, or I'll destroyyour beach.
Fondly, the Unidumper.
" Ha ha ha ha! It's nothing.
Ellen, you're a salty old sea biscuit.
You know anything about clams? Ha ha ha ha! Notch, I've probably eaten over 1 00,000 clams in my day maybe a hair more.
Well, what doyou make ofthis one? [ Sniffs .]
Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! [ Smacking Lips .]
[ Spits .]
Sand.
Mmm! Mmm! Eww! That's a bad clam, all right! There's only one thing that can make a clam go bad like that.
Lack ofventilation? No.
Nuclearwaste.
Nuclearwaste.
- Can you believe the chicks on this beach? - Yeah! - Can you believe the chicks on this beach? - Yeah! All right, check this out.
I, Chad Jeremy, bet my BMW againstyour BMW that I can get anywoman on this beach to go to Crabapalooza with me.
- Nooo! - Whoa! OK, Chad, how about Buffy? [ Laughter.]
Buffy? She's a geek.
A dog.
Hey, Buffy, do you have a date to Crabapalooza? No! No, I don't.
Well, you'll get one ifyou put a bag overyour head.
[ Laughter.]
Yeah, man, I want a challenge.
- Yeah! - Yeah! I want to get the hottest chick on this beach.
- Yeah! - Yeah! I wanna nail that girl! - Ooh! - Ooh! Oh, my God, you guys.
There's Chad Jeremy.
He is so the bomb! Oh, I hope he asks me to Crabapalooza.
There's that spaz Buffy.
Watch this.
Hey, Buffy.
Who are you going to Crabapalooza with? Well, I don't really have a date.
Well, I can fixyou up with a lab rat! [ Laughter.]
I think I know how to get Chad Jeremy to notice me.
I'm going into the ocean to get my nipples wet.
Ohh! Ha ha ha! Yeah, I'll be starting quarterback for the S.
U.
C.
M.
A.
Cocks this year.
I never met a fraternity boy before on account of I I growed up on the wrong side ofthe tracks.
You didn't go to college? You sure fooled me.
I know this is kinda quick but would you go to Crabapalooza with me? Wow! Crabapalooza? That's the biggest night of spring break.
I'm moving too fast.
It's just that I drive a brand-new BMW.
No.
It's not the speed, Chad.
It's the thrill ofbeing asked to Crabapalooza.
I'd love to go.
[ Woman Screaming .]
[ Girl .]
Oh, my God! Excuse me.
What's going on here? This sorority girl washed up on shore.
She's alive, but something's eating away at her skin.
She looked like Satan's girlfriend, girlfriend.
I put this towel on her 'cause she's covered with shmutz.
Let's get her up to headquarters.
Even better, Kimberlee let's get her up to headquarters.
And when I find the person responsible for this I am gonna tell him a thing or two.
And I'm gonna make sure I have really bad breath and I'm gonna say "I found you! Hah! Hah! Hah!" Johnson, I am not gonna let a few dead fish keep me out of the national spotlight.
It's not about dead fish anymore.
An injured girl washed up on shore.
Her skin is awful and her face looks like 2 miles ofbad autobahn.
Chip, ixnay on the autobahnay.
She's right behind the curtain.
Stop wasting my time.
I'm sure she's not as gruesome as you say she is.
OK, fine.
But remember, when I pull back this curtain act normal.
We need to make her think nothing is wrong.
OK.
Here goes.
[ Gasps .]
There.
You see? Not so bad.
Well, you're looking, uh I'm so sorry, Mayor.
Aah Boy it's a good thing I skipped lunch.
I never dreamed something like this could happen.
Hey, the best is yet to come.
Crabapalooza's Saturday night.
Oh, I'm so excited, Chad.
I've been catching crabs all week.
You know, B.
J.
, it's a custom at Crabapalooza to have unprotected sex with the person you go with.
I know.
But, Chad there's something I should tell you.
Don't worry.
I have herpes, too.
No.
I don't care about that.
It's just that I'm a I'm a virgin.
And I--I wanna give it up, but to someone that really loves me.
B.
J I love you.
That's all I needed to hear.
You know, you're gonna need some lingerie for Crabapalooza.
You got any? Does Victoria have a secret? OK, Steve, but that serves as your treat for the day.
[ Steve Whines .]
Oh, hey, Kimberlee.
How's that girl with the funky-ass skin? Oh, it's horrible.
She's gonna be scarred for life.
At least she got out ofthe cleanup process.
[ Toilet Flushes .]
I don't everwant to look atyou people again.
Just show me where I left my briefcase.
Here it is.
Here, ma'am.
Oh! Uh, I'll take that.
Hey, what's this? "The shores are meant for solitude not senseless orgying.
Cancel spring break, or I'll destroyyour beach.
Fondly, the Unidumper.
" Give me that! I've had enough ofyou people.
[ Notch .]
Mayor? Notch, we have to stop her.
The Unidumper cut out those letters and the mayor's trying to cover it up.
Nobody is gonna dump a load in my ocean.
We cannot poo-poo this even ifwe have to pull double duty.
Let's all go together.
[ Chad .]
There is no way I'm losing this bet.
- Whoa! - Ooh! So B.
J.
really thinks you love her? This chick is as dumb as a box of rocks.
After Saturday night, I'm gonna be driving 2 Beemers: mine and yours.
Yeah, right.
[ Chad .]
Come on, boys! Let's go get drunk! Ellen, we have to tell these women to stop eating their clams.
That's askin' a lot, Notch.
Excuse me, can I talk toyou for a second? Sure, little lady.
What can I doyou for? My name's Buffy and I have a petition I'd likeyou to sign.
Let's see.
"The shores are meant for solitude, not senseless orgying.
" Yadda yadda yadda.
Yeah, sure, I'll sign it.
I'd love to giveyou myJane Hancock.
Thankyou so much.
Whoa.
Hey, what was that about? Some petition to cancel spring break.
You know, "The shores are meant for solitude not senseless orgying.
" What? Notch, that's what the Unidumper's ransom note said.
[ Women Screaming .]
Make way for some room! Make way! You won't believe this, Skip.
Oyvay! I want to plotz! Look, Notch.
Lookwhat they did to poor Steve.
It's one thing to make that sorority hoochie all scaly and scabby but when they pick on a poor, innocent puppy dog You're right,Jamaica.
That's where we draw the line.
Hey, Unidumper! It's Notch Johnson! You're history, man! It's cold! It's cold! Cold, cold, cold, cold! Evacuate the water! Evacuate the water! Otherwise, you will become scaly and scabby.
Out ofthe water! [ Speaking German .]
B.
J.
, we need to rap.
OK, but I'm not very good at rhyming.
No.
It's about Chad Jeremy.
The only reason he asked you to Crabapalooza is because he made a bet he could sleep with you.
Don't kid me orjive me like that, 'Maica.
I've fallen in love with Chad.
It's perfectly safe! Come back in-- Come on! I overheard the whole thing.
He's using you, girlfriend.
No.
He loves me.
He told me so.
You take that back! I wish I could, honey.
I don't lie to my best friend.
And I was gonna let him go where no man has ever gone before! I know, honey.
It's OK.
I was gonna give him my crabs.
It's OK.
- Notch! - Yeah.
Ellen told us nuclearwaste is causing this.
What doyou say I go talk to the people at the nuclear power plant? Hey, betteryet, Kimberlee you go talk to the people at the nuclear power plant.
What? Hey, Beej.
Don't you Beej me.
I found out about your little bet.
Oops! Guess I just lost a BMW unless you wanna sleep with me anyway.
I would never sleep with you.
I don't care ifyou're SUCMA cock.
Your loss, bitch.
I'm gonna go take a swim.
Makes my big package look even bigger.
The ocean is closed, Chad.
Not for me! Ha ha! Aah! It burns! Help! Aah! Try to hang on! Notch, I just came from the nuclear power plant.
It turns out Buffywas a college intern there.
They suspect her ofstealing nuclearwaste.
And what's worse they think she's taken a device that can blow up the plant.
Calling all guards.
Calling all guards.
This is Notch Johnson requesting an A&P on Buffy the eco-terrorist.
Notch, it's me--Ellen.
I just spotted Buffy at the marina.
OK, Ellen.
I'm on it.
You're not going anywhere, young lady.
[ Engine Starts .]
That little gal can pack quite a wallop.
I like it.
Hottie McDaniel from MST, Music and Sex Television talking to Anita Massengil, mayor of Malibu Adjacent.
Mayor, Notch Johnson says the water is, like, way gross.
Well, Hottie, as mayor of Malibu Adjacent I can tell you there's been a slight problem butyou know our slogan.
Come to Malibu Adjacent.
You'll say, "I can't believe it's not Malibu.
" [ Cheering .]
There she is.
She seems to have run out of gas.
Notch, get the FBI out here.
Kimberlee, I've got a better idea.
Something I saw on Walker, Texas Ranger.
Ifyou come any closer I'll blow up half ofCalifornia.
Buffy, think about what you're doing.
What areyou gonna tell your date for Crabapalooza? I don't have a date for Crabapalooza! A pretty girl likeyou doesn't have a date for Crabapalooza? I'm not pretty! I'm a geek! And I'm sick of not having any fun! Buffy, trust me.
You are pretty.
And there's nothing more important in life than being a pretty girl.
Buffy, could we try a little experiment? SureI guess.
OK.
Take offyour glasses and let down your hair.
Whoa.
OK.
One last thing.
Could we seeyou in justyour bathing suit? Now, could you lean on the side ofthe boat with your butt towards the sky and your legs spread so just a shaft ofsunlight comes through the pass? Well, a gal can dream, can't she? Now, Buffy, hand Notch the device.
No! Ohh Back off!.
All I wanted was a date for Crabapalooza! But no boy is ever interested in me.
Hey let me askyou something.
Does it have to be a boy? What are you saying? I'm saying, uh how about goin' meatless for a while? Be my date for Crabapalooza.
I am strangely attracted to that fat woman on The Practice.
Yes! I'd love to go to Crabapalooza with you.
OK! Notch Johnson and the Johnsonaires! Hi, teens.
Notch Johnson here.
You know, tonight's show was really a homage to college and especially the State University College at Malibu Adjacent.
Founded back in the late 1 990s the State University College at Malibu Adjacent offers 3 majors: lifeguarding microbrew management and, of course gynecology.
So ifyou're looking for an unaccredited college make sure at the top ofyour list is the State University College at Malibu Adjacent.
Ready, gang? S.
U.
C.
M.
A.
! S.
U.
C.
M.
A.
! S.
U.
C.
M.
A.
! SUCMA! So until next time this is Notch "SUCMA"Johnson saying "Ride the big one.
"
Stayin shape It'syour duty Oryou'll end up with Oprah's booty Come on,you bunch of out ofshape tubbos! This job takes strength, endurance and coord-- Aah! [ Notch .]
Wait there! I'll join you! OK, SPF-30ers.
One hour from now this beach is gonna be invaded.
Invaded? Then we must get to high ground and build bunkers! No, Chip.
The beach is gonna be invaded by college students.
It's spring break.
Be still my hearty, we gonna party! You girls are all that.
Wait.
Let's not celebrate justyet.
What's that on the beach over there? I don't know.
Let's take a look.
[ Chip .]
I wanna be just like him.
Shellfish? Well, that's weird.
Usually, it's used condoms and broken syringes.
[ Sniffs .]
Ohh! You people ever smelled a bad clam? Uh-uh.
[ Sniffing .]
- Ugh! - Damn! Yo, check this out.
It's a 2-headed kingfish.
Holy mackerel! Something in that ocean is meshugenah.
Notch, what are we gonna do? There's only one thing to do: I'm closing the beach for spring break.
Tonight's episode [ Announcer.]
We apologize in advance for this episode of Son ofthe Beach.
[ Massengil .]
You want me to do what? Johnson, let me break this toyou as gently as I possibly can.
Noooo! But, Mayor, before I became a lifeguard I was a marine biologist.
Way to move up, sweetie.
Look, you two.
College students from all over the country have chosen Malibu Adjacent as their home for spring break.
After a tough year of drinking and fornicating these kids need to blow off some steam.
Plus, the hottest show on TV is going to be here.
Walker, Texas Ranger? No, you lamebrain chowderhead.
MST--Music and Sex Television.
Andthey're going to interview me.
But what about this? I'm not gonna let that ruin my chance for national exposure.
OK, fine, Mayor, but I'm warning you.
Ifthe press finds out about these bad clams you're the one who's going down.
"Cancel spring break, or I'll destroyyour beach.
Fondly, the Unidumper.
" Ha ha ha ha! It's nothing.
Ellen, you're a salty old sea biscuit.
You know anything about clams? Ha ha ha ha! Notch, I've probably eaten over 1 00,000 clams in my day maybe a hair more.
Well, what doyou make ofthis one? [ Sniffs .]
Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! [ Smacking Lips .]
[ Spits .]
Sand.
Mmm! Mmm! Eww! That's a bad clam, all right! There's only one thing that can make a clam go bad like that.
Lack ofventilation? No.
Nuclearwaste.
Nuclearwaste.
- Can you believe the chicks on this beach? - Yeah! - Can you believe the chicks on this beach? - Yeah! All right, check this out.
I, Chad Jeremy, bet my BMW againstyour BMW that I can get anywoman on this beach to go to Crabapalooza with me.
- Nooo! - Whoa! OK, Chad, how about Buffy? [ Laughter.]
Buffy? She's a geek.
A dog.
Hey, Buffy, do you have a date to Crabapalooza? No! No, I don't.
Well, you'll get one ifyou put a bag overyour head.
[ Laughter.]
Yeah, man, I want a challenge.
- Yeah! - Yeah! I want to get the hottest chick on this beach.
- Yeah! - Yeah! I wanna nail that girl! - Ooh! - Ooh! Oh, my God, you guys.
There's Chad Jeremy.
He is so the bomb! Oh, I hope he asks me to Crabapalooza.
There's that spaz Buffy.
Watch this.
Hey, Buffy.
Who are you going to Crabapalooza with? Well, I don't really have a date.
Well, I can fixyou up with a lab rat! [ Laughter.]
I think I know how to get Chad Jeremy to notice me.
I'm going into the ocean to get my nipples wet.
Ohh! Ha ha ha! Yeah, I'll be starting quarterback for the S.
U.
C.
M.
A.
Cocks this year.
I never met a fraternity boy before on account of I I growed up on the wrong side ofthe tracks.
You didn't go to college? You sure fooled me.
I know this is kinda quick but would you go to Crabapalooza with me? Wow! Crabapalooza? That's the biggest night of spring break.
I'm moving too fast.
It's just that I drive a brand-new BMW.
No.
It's not the speed, Chad.
It's the thrill ofbeing asked to Crabapalooza.
I'd love to go.
[ Woman Screaming .]
[ Girl .]
Oh, my God! Excuse me.
What's going on here? This sorority girl washed up on shore.
She's alive, but something's eating away at her skin.
She looked like Satan's girlfriend, girlfriend.
I put this towel on her 'cause she's covered with shmutz.
Let's get her up to headquarters.
Even better, Kimberlee let's get her up to headquarters.
And when I find the person responsible for this I am gonna tell him a thing or two.
And I'm gonna make sure I have really bad breath and I'm gonna say "I found you! Hah! Hah! Hah!" Johnson, I am not gonna let a few dead fish keep me out of the national spotlight.
It's not about dead fish anymore.
An injured girl washed up on shore.
Her skin is awful and her face looks like 2 miles ofbad autobahn.
Chip, ixnay on the autobahnay.
She's right behind the curtain.
Stop wasting my time.
I'm sure she's not as gruesome as you say she is.
OK, fine.
But remember, when I pull back this curtain act normal.
We need to make her think nothing is wrong.
OK.
Here goes.
[ Gasps .]
There.
You see? Not so bad.
Well, you're looking, uh I'm so sorry, Mayor.
Aah Boy it's a good thing I skipped lunch.
I never dreamed something like this could happen.
Hey, the best is yet to come.
Crabapalooza's Saturday night.
Oh, I'm so excited, Chad.
I've been catching crabs all week.
You know, B.
J.
, it's a custom at Crabapalooza to have unprotected sex with the person you go with.
I know.
But, Chad there's something I should tell you.
Don't worry.
I have herpes, too.
No.
I don't care about that.
It's just that I'm a I'm a virgin.
And I--I wanna give it up, but to someone that really loves me.
B.
J I love you.
That's all I needed to hear.
You know, you're gonna need some lingerie for Crabapalooza.
You got any? Does Victoria have a secret? OK, Steve, but that serves as your treat for the day.
[ Steve Whines .]
Oh, hey, Kimberlee.
How's that girl with the funky-ass skin? Oh, it's horrible.
She's gonna be scarred for life.
At least she got out ofthe cleanup process.
[ Toilet Flushes .]
I don't everwant to look atyou people again.
Just show me where I left my briefcase.
Here it is.
Here, ma'am.
Oh! Uh, I'll take that.
Hey, what's this? "The shores are meant for solitude not senseless orgying.
Cancel spring break, or I'll destroyyour beach.
Fondly, the Unidumper.
" Give me that! I've had enough ofyou people.
[ Notch .]
Mayor? Notch, we have to stop her.
The Unidumper cut out those letters and the mayor's trying to cover it up.
Nobody is gonna dump a load in my ocean.
We cannot poo-poo this even ifwe have to pull double duty.
Let's all go together.
[ Chad .]
There is no way I'm losing this bet.
- Whoa! - Ooh! So B.
J.
really thinks you love her? This chick is as dumb as a box of rocks.
After Saturday night, I'm gonna be driving 2 Beemers: mine and yours.
Yeah, right.
[ Chad .]
Come on, boys! Let's go get drunk! Ellen, we have to tell these women to stop eating their clams.
That's askin' a lot, Notch.
Excuse me, can I talk toyou for a second? Sure, little lady.
What can I doyou for? My name's Buffy and I have a petition I'd likeyou to sign.
Let's see.
"The shores are meant for solitude, not senseless orgying.
" Yadda yadda yadda.
Yeah, sure, I'll sign it.
I'd love to giveyou myJane Hancock.
Thankyou so much.
Whoa.
Hey, what was that about? Some petition to cancel spring break.
You know, "The shores are meant for solitude not senseless orgying.
" What? Notch, that's what the Unidumper's ransom note said.
[ Women Screaming .]
Make way for some room! Make way! You won't believe this, Skip.
Oyvay! I want to plotz! Look, Notch.
Lookwhat they did to poor Steve.
It's one thing to make that sorority hoochie all scaly and scabby but when they pick on a poor, innocent puppy dog You're right,Jamaica.
That's where we draw the line.
Hey, Unidumper! It's Notch Johnson! You're history, man! It's cold! It's cold! Cold, cold, cold, cold! Evacuate the water! Evacuate the water! Otherwise, you will become scaly and scabby.
Out ofthe water! [ Speaking German .]
B.
J.
, we need to rap.
OK, but I'm not very good at rhyming.
No.
It's about Chad Jeremy.
The only reason he asked you to Crabapalooza is because he made a bet he could sleep with you.
Don't kid me orjive me like that, 'Maica.
I've fallen in love with Chad.
It's perfectly safe! Come back in-- Come on! I overheard the whole thing.
He's using you, girlfriend.
No.
He loves me.
He told me so.
You take that back! I wish I could, honey.
I don't lie to my best friend.
And I was gonna let him go where no man has ever gone before! I know, honey.
It's OK.
I was gonna give him my crabs.
It's OK.
- Notch! - Yeah.
Ellen told us nuclearwaste is causing this.
What doyou say I go talk to the people at the nuclear power plant? Hey, betteryet, Kimberlee you go talk to the people at the nuclear power plant.
What? Hey, Beej.
Don't you Beej me.
I found out about your little bet.
Oops! Guess I just lost a BMW unless you wanna sleep with me anyway.
I would never sleep with you.
I don't care ifyou're SUCMA cock.
Your loss, bitch.
I'm gonna go take a swim.
Makes my big package look even bigger.
The ocean is closed, Chad.
Not for me! Ha ha! Aah! It burns! Help! Aah! Try to hang on! Notch, I just came from the nuclear power plant.
It turns out Buffywas a college intern there.
They suspect her ofstealing nuclearwaste.
And what's worse they think she's taken a device that can blow up the plant.
Calling all guards.
Calling all guards.
This is Notch Johnson requesting an A&P on Buffy the eco-terrorist.
Notch, it's me--Ellen.
I just spotted Buffy at the marina.
OK, Ellen.
I'm on it.
You're not going anywhere, young lady.
[ Engine Starts .]
That little gal can pack quite a wallop.
I like it.
Hottie McDaniel from MST, Music and Sex Television talking to Anita Massengil, mayor of Malibu Adjacent.
Mayor, Notch Johnson says the water is, like, way gross.
Well, Hottie, as mayor of Malibu Adjacent I can tell you there's been a slight problem butyou know our slogan.
Come to Malibu Adjacent.
You'll say, "I can't believe it's not Malibu.
" [ Cheering .]
There she is.
She seems to have run out of gas.
Notch, get the FBI out here.
Kimberlee, I've got a better idea.
Something I saw on Walker, Texas Ranger.
Ifyou come any closer I'll blow up half ofCalifornia.
Buffy, think about what you're doing.
What areyou gonna tell your date for Crabapalooza? I don't have a date for Crabapalooza! A pretty girl likeyou doesn't have a date for Crabapalooza? I'm not pretty! I'm a geek! And I'm sick of not having any fun! Buffy, trust me.
You are pretty.
And there's nothing more important in life than being a pretty girl.
Buffy, could we try a little experiment? SureI guess.
OK.
Take offyour glasses and let down your hair.
Whoa.
OK.
One last thing.
Could we seeyou in justyour bathing suit? Now, could you lean on the side ofthe boat with your butt towards the sky and your legs spread so just a shaft ofsunlight comes through the pass? Well, a gal can dream, can't she? Now, Buffy, hand Notch the device.
No! Ohh Back off!.
All I wanted was a date for Crabapalooza! But no boy is ever interested in me.
Hey let me askyou something.
Does it have to be a boy? What are you saying? I'm saying, uh how about goin' meatless for a while? Be my date for Crabapalooza.
I am strangely attracted to that fat woman on The Practice.
Yes! I'd love to go to Crabapalooza with you.
OK! Notch Johnson and the Johnsonaires! Hi, teens.
Notch Johnson here.
You know, tonight's show was really a homage to college and especially the State University College at Malibu Adjacent.
Founded back in the late 1 990s the State University College at Malibu Adjacent offers 3 majors: lifeguarding microbrew management and, of course gynecology.
So ifyou're looking for an unaccredited college make sure at the top ofyour list is the State University College at Malibu Adjacent.
Ready, gang? S.
U.
C.
M.
A.
! S.
U.
C.
M.
A.
! S.
U.
C.
M.
A.
! SUCMA! So until next time this is Notch "SUCMA"Johnson saying "Ride the big one.
"