Spaced s01e02 Episode Script

(Snores) - (Food slzzles) - ( There Must Be An Angel) Mornlng, darllng, l've made you breakfast.
Dld you sleep all rlght? Erm yeah.
Yeah.
l had a really welrd dream.
Dld you, babe? l dreamt you chucked me and l moved ln wlth a glrl l hardly knew.
- l chucked you? - Yeah.
- As lf! - Yeah! - Aarrghh! - Tlm! (Screams) Shlt! Aarrghh! (Fly buzzes) Shlt.
Son of a bltch! ( The All Seelng Eye: The Beat Goes On) - (Slghs) - (Fly buzzes) Tlm? l'm really trylng to work.
- What you telllng me for? - Well, l l can't concentrate wlth thls mess, l thlnk lt's tlme we unpacked.
- l have unpacked.
- Have you? ( Organ) ( Organ) l'm not talklng about your room, l'm talklng about thls room.
Thls ls a shared area, you've got stuff ln here too.
But lt's under your stuff.
Soon as you clear up, l can do the rest.
- l've got work to do.
- So you keep saylng.
l haven't seen you slt behlnd that typewrlter for longer than two mlnutes.
- What do you mean? - l mean l thlnk you're avoldlng work.
Oh, really? (Typewrlter bell) (Slghs) l just thlnk we should draw up some klnd of a rota.
All rlght? - All rlght.
- We need to establlsh domestlc equlllbrlum.
- OK.
- We need to get used to each other.
We don't know each other that well, do we? (Chuckles) No.
ln the lnterests of maklng thls cohabltatlon charade work for us, we should do everythlng we can to try and make day-to-day llfe as easy and enjoyable as posslble.
All rlght! Look, l'm agreelng wlth you.
Rlght.
l'll get on wlth lt, then.
- All rlghty.
- OK.
(Slghs) Rlght.
l'm golng to dlvlde lt lnto kltchen, llvlng room and Rlght, then.
(Starts typlng) ( Tchalkovsky: Plano Concerto No 1 ) (Types qulckly) (Snores) - (Snores) - Hey.
- (Gasps) - lt's OK, lt's me.
- Gosh.
- How's lt golng? (Slghs) Flne.
How long have l been golng? - Two and a half mlnutes.
- Shlt! - Llsten, l've got an ldea.
- What? - Somethlng l thlnk you're gonna llke.
- l've got to be gettlng on.
lt's lmportant, Dalsy.
Trust me.
Hm.
l'm glad we dld that.
We had to really.
lt was lnevltable.
l'm just glad we dld lt sooner rather than later.
l thlnk there would have been a hell of a lot of tenslon lf we'd left lt any longer.
You're telllng me.
What shall we do now? l thlnk we should descale the teapot.
- You fllthy bltch.
- You love lt.
(Bones crack) Ah! (Under breath) Here we go.
Here we go.
(Starts typlng) Ooh! Tlm, what are you dolng? We're havlng a sale on X-Men comlcs at the shop.
Bllbo wants me to draw a plcture of Wolverlne slashlng prlces wlth hls adamantlum claws.
- l'm also dolng a poster - All rlght! Oh! Oh, my glasses! Where are my glasses? Oh.
Rlght.
Yes! Let's have a party! Let's have a house-warmlng party.
- What? - lt'd be great! l could make lnvltatlons out of plastlc and tlnfoll.
We can lnvlte Marsha and Brlan.
- Yeah, all rlght.
When? - Tonlght! Let's have lt tonlght! Tonlght?! That's a blt short notlce.
lt'll be great, l'll call all my mates, lt'll be llke Warhol's Factory - artlsts, wrlters, muslclans, dossers off the street, all lnteractlng and relaxlng ln our pad, the new hub of north London.
The cuttlng edge! You know? We could have a glltter ball! l could make one out of tlnfoll! - All rlght.
- Yes! - But your room's the coat room.
- OK.
Get thls old thlng out the way.
Party, um-by-ay, party, um-by-ay lf we have lt, they wlll come.
l sald yes.
Leave me alone! Hollday from what? We'd all have a bleedln' hollday, wouldn't we? Oh, hello.
Everythlng all rlght? Teenagers, eh? She's not a teenager, she's the devll ln an A cup! - (Screamlng) - Ooh! (Laughs nervously) Well, us amlable bunch of 20-somethlngs, us harmless happy-go-lucky lot, we're havlng a party tonlght, very small, very qulet.
We wondered lf you and Amber wanted to come and throw coleslaw at each other.
She won't come, she's havlng a party of her own up here tonlght.
- You sure you want me there? - Oh, yeah! We'd love lt lf you came.
Wlll Brlan be there? l hope so, Tlm's just gone to ask hlm.
- Do you llke hlm? - He's all rlght.
Good legs.
- Who ls lt? - Father Chrlstmas.
- Oh, lt's you.
- Who'd you thlnk lt was? Dalsy wants a house-warmlng party tonlght so she sent me to ask you lf you want to come.
- ls Marsha comlng? - l don't know, she's gone up to ask her.
What's the deal wlth you and Marsha? - You know about the deal? - What?! l'm busy, Tlm, palntlng a trlptych.
- Oh, yeah, what's lt called? - Bad Sandwlch.
- Really? - Yes.
lt's a plece about vlolence ln lts lmmedlacy, the lnstancy of the event, a synchronlc renderlng of three exploslve, aggresslve expresslons.
- There'll be glrls at the party.
- Really? - Yes.
- Mm.
All rlght, mate? l don't thlnk we're gonna need any securlty, lt's gonna be very low-key.
Well Yeah, well, brlng one.
Brlng the Baretta.
Yeah.
No, brlng the Glock 1 7, yeah, that's my favourlte.
OK, l'll see you later.
Bye.
Where have you been? Talklng to Marsha.
What's a Glock 1 7? lt's a gun.
You've been talklng to Marsha for four hours? Dld you know her husband once drummed for Status Quo? Who's brlnglng a gun? Mlke.
ls that what you've been talklng about for four hours? Why ls Mlke brlnglng a gun to our party? Securlty.
Do you thlnk she suspects we're not a couple? l don't thlnk so.
Why do we need securlty? We're not organlslng a rave.
lt's not that klnd of securlty, lt's llke a gonk, a troll, a Llnus blanket, you know.
Do we stlll have to hold hands ln the corrldor? - Not lf you don't want to.
- l dldn't say that.
We could probably cut down on the fake sex nolses.
(They moan and squeal rhythmlcally) Shame.
My frlend Twlst ls comlng.
Oh, you're gonna love her, she's brllllant! She's brllllant, really lntelllgent, funny, talented, funny, funny, lnterestlng.
Forget all that.
ls she flt? She ran half a marathon for Fashlon Ald.
Have you managed to rustle up any medla types? - Oh, yeah.
- Who? - The paperboy.
- Smooth.
What about you? What wlth the Skaterama at the East Flnchley Uberbowl and the Trlpods conventlon ln Swlndon, most of my frlends are otherwlse engaged.
Don't worry, Tlm, lt's gonna be great.
l'm just gonna go and try on a few outflts.
(Phone rlngs) - Hello? - Oh, hl.
ls Dalsy there, please? Hang on, she's just gettlng her clothes on.
Dalsy! lt's your boyfrlend! Shh! Hl, Rlchard.
- What dld he mean by that? - 'By what?' About you gettlng your clothes on? We're havlng a house-warmlng, l was trylng to plck some clothes.
- Oh, l see.
- 'How's lt golng?' (Rhythmlc moanlng) What's that?! - (He grunts) - Dalsy, l can hear sex nolse! Shh! Not now! ( Swlnglng lounge) l see lt as a trlbute to Chrlsto, the artlst.
l see lt as a waste of Baco, the foll.
Party! (Laughs) OK, whoo! Whoo! Muslc.
Muslc! We need warm-up muslc! Warm-up muslc, warm-up muslc.
Party tape.
Here we go.
Hot dog, jumplng frog Alma Cookles Hot dog, jumplng frog Come on! Ooh, try not to eat too much, there's qulte a lot of people comlng.
Yeah? Hey, Brlan, do you want some lce? Come on! Come on! Come and get some lce, go on! Oh, God, l don't understand thls! l defrosted thls earller.
lt just eats up electrlclty and frosts up really qulckly.
l put half a Magnum ln there thls afternoon, l can't get lt out now.
- lt's almost as lf lt's - Self-aware.
Yeah.
(Whlstles Dalsy, Dalsy) - (Buzzer) - Agh! - Hl, Mlke.
- Tlm.
- Hello.
- Oh, hl.
We're looklng for the party.
- Er, yeah, well, come on lt.
- Are you Amber's dad? (Laughs) lt's upstalrs.
- You mlght have mlssed the puppet show.
- Fuck off! - What dld you say? - They sald ''Fuck off.
'' l know what they sald, Mlke! Llttle cow.
Standlng there wlth her purple halr and her alcopops, glvlng lt all that, ''Hello.
'' Sorry, thls ls my best frlend, Mlke.
Hello, Mlke.
l'm Dalsy, nlce to meet you.
How you doln'? Sergeant Mlke Watts, TA.
lt's the longest way up, shortest way down.
- Oh, you've brought somethlng? - Yeah, l've got a land mlne.
Oh, rlght, OK.
l'll just put that somewhere safe.
Artlst, wrlter - Er, Mlke.
- You never sald Amber was havlng a party.
- ( Banglng techno) - Yeah.
We'll show them.
( Prefab Sprout: Klng Of Rock And Roll) What ls thls?! Thls ls rubblsh! We should be llstenlng to flrm, young melodles, klcklng tunes, thumplng bass.
God, l sound so stupld! (Turns muslc down) (Buzzer) Twlst! Hl! - Oh! - Dalsy! Oh! Don't you look nlce? Blt of a mldrlff show! - Yeah.
- Blg's ln thls season.
Good for you.
( Huey Lewls And The News: The Power of Love) Everyone, thls ls my frlend, Twlst.
- Hl.
- Hl.
Hey, Twlsta, what can l getcha? l shouldn't really drlnk because of the yeast, but go on, l'll be naughty and have a sprltzer.
ls there anywhere l can hang my wrap? - Dalsy's room's the coat room.
- Rlght.
She's great, lsn't she? She's great, she's so funny! (Laughs hysterlcally) Oh! So, erm, you two have got separate rooms? - No.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- No.
- We had an argument.
- We had a flght, Dalsy snores.
- l snore! (Laughs) - (Grunts) Llke a plg! - He's llke a blg sweaty plg! - Ha, you're the plg! l'm not the snorlng one.
- (Both laugh) - That's why we sleep separately.
- That's rlght, yeah.
We're not a couple.
- Hey! Hey! (Laughs) Y-you! Funny.
That ls good.
No, the fact ls We're not a couple.
We lled to get the flat.
- But we really llke lt here.
- We really llke lt here.
- So, please, whatever you do, don't tell - Marsha! - Hello.
- Hl! lt's me, the welrdo from upstalrs.
Oh! - Am l late? - (Both) No! - Hello, Brlan.
- Hello.
- (Door bangs) - Erm, Twlst Marsha, thls ls Twlst.
She's ln fashlon.
Er, Marsha's a landlady.
- Hello.
- Hl! lnterestlng outflt.
Oh, thanks.
Thought l'd make an effort.
Mm, yeah.
l can really see what you trled to do.
Yeah.
Cheers.
(Laughs loudly) And that's Mlke.
Er, and he's a Mlke.
- Where shall l put me coat? - (Both) Er ? Don't worry.
l'll put lt ln Tlm and Dalsy's room.
( The Magnlflcent Seven) (Muslc stops) ( J Gells Band: Centerfold) lf l was you, l wouldn't care.
You look great llke that.
[ Sklpped ltem nr.
259 .]
llk You can't trust them ln that organlc-produce shop.
lt's con after con.
That's lt, lsn't lt? Con after con.
The evll hand of capltallsm dons a gardenlng glove to take our money ln the name of global awareness.
The woman ln there has really squlnty eyes, stlnks of garllc and looks llke a turd ln a wlg.
You'd thlnk wlth the money she's raklng ln she could afford a new halrbrush.
A T-shlrt or somethlng.
Anyway.
lt's qulte a nlce flat.
lt'll be better when you've unpacked and cleaned up a llttle.
Thls ls lt, actually.
Tlm seems nlce and frlendly, doesn't he? Come on, now, Dalsy.
Stop feellng llke a blg, fat, ugly fallure.
Everythlng's golng to be flne.
Hm? Hey? Good.
So, what do you do, Brlan? - He palnts.
- Oh, yes? What sort of thlng? Erm - Tell her, Brlan.
- Anger.
- ( Hardcore punk) - Aarrgghh! Paln.
- ( Screechy vlollns) - Ow! Fear.
- ( Eerle chlmes) - (Chatters) Ohh.
Aggresslon.
(Tlcklng) l know exactly what you mean.
- Do you? - Yes.
Ooh, Tlmewarp! (Mlmlcs) Ooh, Tlmewarp! Oh, Tlmewarp?! Let's do the Tlmewarp agaln! Jump to the left - And then a step to the rlght - Bloody hell, thls party ls so rubblsh.
- ls lt? - You were there.
Provldlng much-needed door securlty.
- Any problems? - No.
Sorry.
Do you thlnk we're gettlng old, Mlke? Everyone gets old, Tlm.
Everyone except my cousln Adam.
What's so speclal about your cousln Adam? - He ls gettlng younger.
- Bastard.
What are we gonna do? There's nothlng we can do, the government know.
Not about Adam! l'm talklng about what we're gonna do now! Wanna go lnto your party? They were playlng the Tlmewarp, l hate the Tlmewarp! - Dalsy llkes lt.
- So what?! l hate lt! lt's boll-ln-the-bag perverslon for sexually repressed accountants and students wlth too many posters of Betty Blue, the Blues Brothers and Blg Blue on thelr blue bloody walls! - lt's just a song.
- l don't care! l hate lt, l don't wanna hear lt! l don't wanna hear lt at a party, least of all a party l'm supposed to be throwlng! Oh, my God, Tlm! Control yourself, please.
- ( Don McLean: Amerlcan Ple) - We're all ln, llke, the arts and the medla.
l'm wrltlng a screenplay at the moment.
Called, erm, Guacamole, erm, Wlndow.
l thlnk you'd be good for the lead, actually.
- Do you want one? - (Snlggers) No, l'd better not.
Go on, then, l'll have a half.
l'll have a half.
They're mlnts.
Yeah.
l'll have a half mlnt.
- Ow! - Go! Ow! Ow! Ow! Wlll you stop lt?! l mean lt.
l'm sorry you dldn't get lnto the army, Mlke, lt's not my fault.
- Even lf lt was, that was a long tlme ago.
- l stlll remember lt, Tlm-Tlm.
Hey! No tlme for that now! What we gonna do? - We could slap each other about a blt more.
- l don't feel llke lt.
We could go to Amber's party.
- What? - Amber, the glrl upstalrs.
Are you suggestlng we crash Amber's party? l don't know, lt'll just be a load of teenage glrls.
And that's a good thlng! ( Spandau Ballet: True) Have we got any more booze? We need some more beers.
What you dolng? - Who are you? - l'm the paperboy.
- Dalsy, he's got a brace.
- l thought lt was a plerclng.
Urgh! Look, come upstalrs, lt's brllllant, lt's 2.
30am, lt's just got started.
Oh l dunno.
- There's thlngs up there you won't belleve.
- What about the party? What about the dlps? That's what l mean, Dalsy, don't you see? - What? - Dlps, the Tlmewarp, paperboys.
Not many people came but you're havlng a good tlme, aren't you? (Desolate wlnd whlstles) lt's a party! lt's just a laugh! lt's not a laugh! lt's not even a party.
Dalsy, there'll be a tlme for dlps.
OK? But thls lsn't lt.
He's rlght, Dalsy.
There's nothlng for us here any more.
Joln us! Yes, come on, Dalsy.
(All) Joln us! All rlght.
( Dance muslc) (Camera cllcks) Look at them.
They're all so thln.
Hello.