Sprung (2022) s01e02 Episode Script

1
You're both getting out today.
I still got eight months.
This fool got four years left.
The Governor's
letting out a bunch of nonviolent
- inmates because of the Coronavirus.
- I'll tell you what.
Give me that $40 and you can stay
at my mom's place for a couple of nights.
- What were you in for?
- Uh Selling weed.
Were either of you guys
in D Block?
That's where my man is. Do you guys
know a guy named Jack? He is 28 years old.
He says he looks like a cross
between the Rock and
- Alex Rodriguez.
- Alex Rodriguez.
I'm sorry.
Is this even your dick?
That's my dick.
- What are we doing at Melvin's?
- I need toilet paper.
You can't buy any in the stores anymore.
People panicked and scooped it all up,
leaving the rest of us to improvise.
Had to throw away
a perfectly good oven mitt last night.
I'm thinking after dinner
we visit Melvin's place
and steal us some toilet paper.
I'm not going back to jail. So if we're
going to do this, we need to do it right.
A lot of people in here believe there's
no such thing as the perfect crime.
A perfect crime is a crime that
nobody even knows happened.
- So, you got it?
- Merry Christmas, Princess.
Holy shit.
You said you
wanted more than to use, right?
Yeah, dude.
I got to start making bank
if I'm gonna ride in style like you.
Check out this new jam.
It's the tits.
Oh, shit.
Oh God.
That song is 26 years old
and more relevant than ever.
With Coronavirus numbers on the rise,
they got to "keep us separated".
President Trump
announced yesterday that he'll
I'm a high steppin', high bettin' ♪
Love givin', I'm a love gettin' ♪
I'm a stranger,
I love stretchin' out my wheels ♪
Overnightin' on the desert strip
Making time and losing grip ♪
Driving circles in the canyons
of my mind ♪
I'm an outsider lookin' in ♪
I got a perfect square
for a circle of friends ♪
It's the four of us
against the rest of you ♪
But really I am all alone ♪
I'd sell 'em out to save my own ♪
I told them that
but they don't buy the truth ♪
I'm a high steppin', high bettin' ♪
Love givin', I'm a love gettin' ♪
I'm a stranger,
I love stretchin' out my wheels ♪
Overnightin' on the desert strip
Makin' time and losin' grip ♪
Drivin' circles in the canyons
of my mind ♪
The best beggars are choosers ♪
The best winners are losers
The best lovers ain't never been loved ♪
And first place ain't easy
The hardest part is believing ♪
The very last word is love ♪
I'm a high steppin', high bettin' ♪
Love givin', I'm a love gettin' ♪
I'm a stranger,
I love stretchin' out my wheels ♪
Overnightin' on the desert strip
Makin' time and losin' grip ♪
Drivin' circles in the canyons
of my mind ♪
Breakfast is ready!
Hey, save some of that for me.
I want some greasy eggs, too.
She who makes the grease gets the grease.
So do we need to, uh
- talk to God before we dig in, or?
- No, I only pray on Tuesdays.
I like to play hard to get.
So, now that everyone's clothed
and fed and running up my water bill,
we should talk about our next job.
Since Mother Teresa over here
will only steal from bad people,
I took the liberty of writing up
a list of douchebags in the area.
Cathy Watkins, Rooster's old babysitter.
She was abusive.
She stopped giving me water
after I peed in her purse.
Nah. Who else?
Joel Rubin, Rooster's teacher
who suspended him in the fourth grade.
Which is why
he still can't do short Division.
- I could have been an astronaut.
- Why did he kick you out?
Well, I flicked a booger on his back
when he wasn't looking.
Look, I'm not robbing someone
because they did
something bad to Rooster
in retaliation for something he did.
Fine.
- Maybe we shouldn't be thinking so small.
- What do you mean?
Those politicians you mentioned
who were dumping stocks
while lying about the virus?
Turns out one of them is from around here.
Congresswoman Paula Tackleberry.
And she is loaded.
If we break into this house,
we're gonna pull more than toilet paper
and a few hundred bucks. Check it out.
- That's a Claude van Woodson.
- Looks like Siamese twins playing Twister.
It's probably worth half a million dollars
if we can get our hands on it.
Half a
Are you serious?
What do you say, Jack?
Crooked politician lying to the people
while she cashes in. Bad enough for you?
Time's up.
That's a yes. Where does she live?
I don't know. We're gonna
have to do some research.
Oh, hold up a sec. I got an email
from Jean-Michel Ducomte.
That's her online boyfriend.
Oh, good. He got
the money I wired him. His father's sick.
He had to sell his computer camera
to pay for the dialysis.
That's the reason we've
never been able to talk face to face.
I'll read the rest of this later.
You do your thing.
Is there something
wrong with your internet?
Not unless the neighbors
didn't pay their "wee-fee" bill.
The computer
in the prison library isn't this slow.
Of course it's not. Prisoners
are probably just typing in "titties".
It doesn't take that long
to find some random titties.
She typed in a specific name.
It's going to take some time to find her.
So it always takes this long?
Yeah. I just type in my question
and then kill some time
while the person
on the other end looks it up.
Barb, there's no one on the other end.
Yeah, they probably got
really fast robots looking through
phone books and encyclopedias.
Whatever. It's still a lot of
phone books for a robot to flip through.
Mommy, what are
the symptoms of the virus again?
I think we're okay
as long as he's not coughing.
Oh, shit.
He's got the Rona.
- Are you sure this is necessary?
- We need to take you to get tested.
He's been breathing all
over us since we got out of prison.
We all need to get tested.
She's right.
I bet the free clinic does it for free.
Free clinic makes
you give them too much info.
I don't like the idea of the Government
knowing my Social Security number.
Barb, the Government already
knows your Social Security number.
Not my new one, they don't.
We'll drive to Mount Airy.
There's a place that tests
people under the table for cash.
You're going downhill fast, man.
I heard that once you lose
your sense of smell, you're done.
Ah. Thank you.
What?
There's still hope.
We could fill out the forms online,
but since all we have is Barb's flip phone
and the world's first computer,
we'll have to go old school.
Also, I think we were
supposed to bring an animal with us.
That makes sense.
Vets can't legally test humans,
so they got to keep up appearances.
Rooster go snag us a pet.
He has a way with animals.
The neighbors
didn't let their kids play with him,
so he spent a lot of time
bonding with the local wildlife.
He trained his cousin's
chicken to scratch his back.
- Is that what you call him Rooster?
- No.
In the kindergarten production of Annie,
he played Miss Hannigan's
evil brother, Rooster.
He liked that name better
than his own, so I let him keep it.
What's his real name?
Shit, it's been so long.
I want to say Paul.
There you go, little fella.
- Bird?
- Squirrel. Cute little guy.
Cough? Yes.
Congestion? Yes.
Runny nose? Yes. Have you noticed
a loss of fur and or feathers recently?
- What?
- Wait a second.
Am I supposed to be asking
these questions to Jack or the squirrel?
Probably the squirrel.
I'm gonna need a new form.
Don't man-handle that worm too much.
If it dies,
I'm going to have to dig up another one,
and I don't like washing my hands
twice in one day. It dries out my skin.
You know, she seems stressed, so I'm just
giving him or her a little head tickle.
And a foot rub.
Oh, shit. Look who it is.
Oh, no. Melvin, please don't.
Rooster, what's up, buddy?
Look who's ridin' shotgun
who I been having frequent sex with.
Leave it, leave it.
It's Wiggles, your old girlfriend,
in case you ain't seen.
And I've been having frequent sex with her
- in case you ain't hear.
- She's all yours, Melvin.
My son doesn't date strippers anymore.
That's a dumbass life choice.
I wonder if that nurse would
give us a few Q tips to take home.
I haven't been able to get out
and buy any since the pandemic hit.
Been cleaning my ears
with the eraser end of a pencil.
If I die, will you
try and contact my parents?
With what? A Ouija board?
I thought your parents were dead.
Oh, yeah, that's right. They died
in each other's arms in that tornado.
Was anything you told me
while we were dating in prison the truth?
Or did you only
whisper lies through the toilet?
I told the truth occasionally.
I only lied about my parents
to protect your feelings.
After you told me your parents were dead,
I didn't want to seem braggy.
Oh, God, I really hope I don't die.
There's so many things I wanted to do
when I finally got out of prison.
Dying was on the list,
- but it was way toward the end.
- No, you better not die. If you die,
I'm left here trying to steal from
a Congresswoman with two morons.
Trust me. I'm not trying to say
you're a genius, but at least
you haven't spent your whole life
in some shit little town.
You lied about backpacking
through Europe, didn't you?
I'm sorry, but lying is a slippery slope.
And I might not have lied about my
parents being dead. They probably are.
I haven't seen them in a while.
Oh, good. Jack's home.
Herb, put another pork chop on.
- Herb!
- What?
Put your hands up. Don't move.
- Herb! Herb!
- What?
- Herb!
- What?!
- Where's Barb?
- They're not gonna give us any Q tips,
so we're gonna try and steal some
when they're not looking.
Okay. Let's try this again.
Name. What's a good name for a squirrel?
Mr. Nuts is a funny name for a squirrel.
That is funny.
Okay. Mr. Nuts.
I woke up with a headache.
I felt a little dizzy.
I thought it might be the Rona,
so I want to make sure
I didn't give it to my pet worm.
Don't be afraid to go deep either.
I dig it. Mmm, tickly.
But in a good way.
Like a little nostril orgasm.
Is it my turn?
She has to go on the left hole
because the right one has
a tiddlywink stuck in it.
No need. Come here.
There. Now if I have it, you have it.
We just killed two birds with one Q tip.
- What's the plan?
- I thought you were coming up with a plan.
I was giving the forms to Gloria.
You can't walk and think
at the same time?
I don't know. I never tried.
I usually sit down when I have to think.
Aw. You get that from me.
Oh. Here she is. Let's see
where they hide the Q tips.
Sketchy looking guy with a pet worm.
What do you think?
Does he have it?
It is decidedly so.
Holy shit.
They're not really testing people.
They're taking the cash
and making up the results.
Oh, man. That sucks.
Does it? Did you see in there?
They've got cash,
a laptop, and I bet there's enough
Q tips to clean my ears till Christmas.
And the best part?
They're douchebags,
so your goody-two-shoes cell mate
will help us steal all of it.
We just found our next job.
You thought this was a wise
wardrobe choice for your sentencing?
He didn't have a suit
and wanted to avoid telling his parents
where he was going today
and found this in their attic.
In their garage.
Son, have you ever heard
that marijuana is a gateway drug?
Yes, sir, but I've
never tried any other drugs.
Arlene, tell him what
marijuana is a gateway to in my court.
- Prison.
- Prison. It's a gateway to prison.
Arlene nailed it.
And the Government has
made my job very easy by instituting
mandatory minimum
sentences for all drug-related crimes.
This is your second offense.
The mandatory minimum is 15 years.
And since the drugs were
confiscated within 1000 feet of a school,
that doubles it to 30 years.
Congratulations, son.
You hit the Arlene?
- Jackpot.
- She's on fire today.
Shouldn't we tape down
the sides of the shower curtain?
I'm not made of tape.
Just make sure you cough,
talk, and breathe up through the flue.
Got it. Sorry. Got it.
Show him the pictures we took at the vet's
office, so he can come up with a plan.
That's funny. He's sending
the bat flu up the chimney flue.
Probably how it got its name.
In the Spanish flu,
I bet they put sick people in fireplaces
and made them cough up the hole.
- And so they called the hole the flue.
- That's not how
- No.
- Really? What makes you so smart?
Well, I don't know.
I went to College,
if that's what you mean.
Oh, aren't you fancy or full of shit?
Don't meet a lot
of ex-cons with College degrees.
Well, what can I say?
Some of us use our psychology degrees
to make real money instead of
helping grown men
overcome their mommy issues.
Why are you looking at me?
Mommy, why is she looking at me?
Because she thinks she's smart.
But let me ask you something,
College girl.
Did you ever take
any classes on the history of fireplaces?
- No.
- I rest my case.
So, what do you think? You got a plan yet?
I think so.
I'll never rob places at 3:00 AM again.
Streets are empty.
If someone sees you lurking that time
of night, they know something's fishy.
The best time to rob a business
is right after they close.
That way,
if someone sees you trying to get in,
they assume you work there
and don't call the cops.
Plus, I'm getting old
and I'm sleepy by nine.
Hmm.
- Oh!
- Mm-hmm.
I'm telling you, there's no need
to break a window or use a crowbar.
Most of your standard locks can be
picked with a couple of paper clips
or even a bobby pin,
if you know what you're doing.
See that door over there?
Bet I can pick it in less than a minute.
- Hey. What are you doing?
- Getting the good stuff.
Cracking a safe
is just listening for clicks
doing the math
and having a little patience.
It's been too long. I'm worried
he might have passed out or something.
- I'm going in.
- Make sure you get the Q tips.
- What are you doing?
- Nothing.
Is that furry nut muncher
still in my glove box?
No.
- Open it.
- Why?
Because I want to know
if there's a squirrel in my glove box.
There isn't.
Okay. Okay.
There's a squirrel in your glove box.
Damn it, Rooster.
How many times do I have to
tell you that you cannot keep
wild animals as pets?
But he wants to stay with me.
- I can see it in his eyes.
- Fine. Open the glove box.
If he wants to be your pet,
there's no point in keeping him locked up.
Okay.
See? He loves me.
What's taking so long?
My ears are plugged. I'm gonna
need you to listen while I spin the dial.
I'm gonna find something
to protect me from your germs.
This should work.
That was super uncool, Mommy.
It's gonna be all right.
You're gonna be okay.
Well, that's a fly in the ointment
we're going to have to swat.
Hello?
Is anyone here? Hello?
- Hide!
- Oh, shit!
- Can we help you?
- Are you the doctors?
I'm a doctor. He's my son.
- How come you get to be?
- Shh.
- I hit a squirrel.
- What kind of squirrel? Grey?
- Please tell me it's not grey.
- It's grey.
We'll do our best.
You guys still here?
- What's going on?
- What was that?
- Who's out there?
- Fine. Don't panic.
Just a couple of civilians.
I got it covered.
Get the hell away from us, sickie.
Quarantine. Quarantine.
What the hell is taking so long?
Cash is in the safe,
and he's having trouble opening it.
Forget the cash.
All we need is this laptop, right?
I can't tell if this is Mr. Nuts or not.
I'm trying to smell his breath
for the Reese's Pieces,
but he's barely breathing.
I think we gotta give him
mouth to mouth or something.
No one is putting their lips
on that dirty-ass tree rat.
That's how this
whole Corona thing started.
- People sucking on wild creatures.
- Barb.
Those people out there
saw both your faces.
- This is bad.
- Relax.
We'll just wait here a couple of minutes,
then we'll tell them
we did everything we could
- but the squirrel is in a better place.
- We can't just let him die.
You know, this is all your fault.
Why couldn't you just let me keep him?
Because every time you've kept a wild
animal as a pet, you've gotten hurt.
The raccoon gave you tetanus.
The baby deer gave you
foot and mouth disease.
That damned chicken nearly
poked your eye out when you fell asleep
and rolled over during a back scratch.
I'm your mom, and I need to protect you.
Hey, what was that thing
you said before about mommy issues?
- She has them, doesn't she?
- Um, actually, that would be you.
I'd say she has more of a codependent
personality with a tendency towards
control and overprotectiveness that
has resulted in your arrested development.
Oh, now you're blaming me
for him getting arrested?
No, I'm not.
You don't have to protect me anymore, mom,
and I can protect myself.
Not gonna let this little guy die.
Oh. Good.
I could've lived without seeing this.
Oh, shit. It's working.
- This thing's already coming in handy.
- Is he gone?
He's gone.
I'll notify the family.
Hey, Ma, come listen to this.
My lip has a heartbeat.
I'll take your word for it.
Gloria, you find any info
on the Congresswoman yet?
I haven't tried.
I'll do it in the morning.
Haven't tried? What the hell have you
been doing on that thing?
Whoa. What's this?
I remember Trump on TV
talking about a way to fight this virus.
Keep it to yourself, though. I think
I only have enough of the two of us.
You're welcome.
- For what?
- I found your parents.
Seriously? They're alive?
They live in a retirement home
in San Diego.
You're not allowed
to visit because of COVID.
But I did some digging,
and your mom registered a tablet
two years ago,
which means you can video chat with them.
Whoa. Whoa, whoa.
Hold on. No.
I just want you to tell them if I die.
I'm not ready
I haven't talked to them
in a really long time.
- How long?
- Long.
After I went to prison, I refused
to see them. I was too ashamed.
They wrote me letters
for a while, but, uh
after a few years of me not writing back,
the letters stopped coming.
I can't. I don't even know
what I'd say to them.
Say you've missed them. If my parents
were still here, that's what I'd say.
No, don't. Hey!
How do I stop it?
- Where's the mouse?
- Hello?
Hello?
Who is that?
- What's going on?
- My iTablet made a sound,
and now there's a man sitting in
a little brick house staring back at me.
Mom?
Dad?
- Jack?
- No, that's too old to be Jack.
Yeah. It's me.
It's so good to see you.
- Look at you, all grown.
- Is that your cell?
Why is it so small?
Did you misbehave?
No, I'm not in prison anymore.
I'm in a fireplace. It's a long stor
Jack, is that a wool sweater
you're wearing?
I think so.
You know, when you were born,
my mother gave you a wool blanket.
And you had such an allergic reaction,
you ended up in the hospital.
We had to get all the wool
out of the house.
- Really cold ankles that winter.
- Allergic to wool.
Thank God.
To our health.
Hey, I'm not sick.
I'm just allergic to wool.
So tell me everything.
When did you move?
Six months ago.
I'm already sick of the food.
And then your father said,
"What's pickleball?
Sounds like a venereal disease".
I did. I did say that.
Okay.
I've probably kept you up long enough.
I'll call you back tomorrow
and we'll pick up where we left off, okay?
- You promise you're going to call?
- Yeah, I promise.
- I love you.
- We love you, too, Jackie boy.
Can you hang up? I'm still
trying to figure out these buttons.
- Trying.
- No. No, stop.
It's not. It's on the left.
Stop.
Carpal Tunnel Syndrome
Do you own a car?
Would you rather have to
Get back in the saddle.
A local veterinary clinic
has found itself
in a dog bowl
full of hot water this morning
after administering fake COVID tests
and determining results
via magic eight ball.
Baby, come look at this.
This news lady has the earrings I want.
I was a little suspicious
when my first test came back
"Reply hazy. Try again".
But when the second test came back
"Outlook good", I didn't question it.
Then I woke up this morning
to an envelope taped to my mailbox.
Had the cash in it
that I paid for the test
and a note saying it was all fake.
So I called the Police. The worst part is
I sent a lot of my friends there
to get tested, and
Well, I guess it wasn't decidedly so
after all.
Why do you have a picture
of Rooster's pecker?
I'm sorry.
Who's pecker is that?
Like shavin' your face
Takin' out the trash ♪
And knowin' your pace ♪
Spending all your cash on your baby ♪
Do it daily ♪
Like walkin' the dog
Cleanin' up the mess ♪
'Til you go off to work
And make a good guess ♪
At what you won and lost ♪
And do it daily ♪
If you're gonna do it at all
You gotta do it daily ♪
- I have a job interview today.
- You're kidding.
- For what?
- Oh, you're going to love this.
In prison I got a teaching degree online,
and there's an opening
at the local high school.
How is any of this boring shit
going to help us figure out how to
break into this woman's house
and steal that painting?
See these security cameras
inside her house?
They're everywhere and they're wireless.
We tap into her WiFi, and we got
24 hours surveillance inside her home.
Hey, Ma.
You still got that gun that
I got you for Mother's Day?
It's in my underwear drawer. Why?
Waaaa-hoo!