Spun Out (2014) s01e02 Episode Script

Well, you've had a busy morning.
Hijack a Goodwill truck? Even better.
I bought the entire contents of a storage locker at an auction.
Sure.
Why pay your share of the rent when you can basically just burn the money instead? I went down because I find fast talking men very sexy.
You know, DJs, car salesmen, the guy that tells you the side effects of Viagra.
Then I start flirting, and next thing you know I hear, "Sold, for 500 dollars" to the woman who doesn't know she's bidding right now.
" Hard to believe you don't have a business degree.
I do not need a business degree.
Can't you see? I have boxes! And besides, once I sell this, I'll be able to triple my money.
I'll take that action.
You have two days to triple your money.
Loser cleans the apartment for a month.
Well, dust off your French maid's costume, Fifi, because this stuff could've belonged to Marilyn Monroe.
She's not from the area, but why not? The point is, you cannot put a price on a gold mine.
Uh, yes, you can.
You multiply the amount of gold in the mine by the current market value of gold.
Look at this watch.
This looks very valuable.
I wouldn't know.
It was a graduation gift from my grandfather.
Well, it looks valuable, so I'm going to keep it.
All right, well, I'm gonna keep this plastic swan, freaky doll, and horsey on a stick.
I've thought about it.
I think I'm gonna give you the watch back.
Nay Bryce McBradden.
Oh, my God.
That was security.
The hyena is in the house, people! - The hyena is in the house! - We haven't had a hyena in the house in like, - 18 months.
- The key is to stay absolutely still.
Its vision is based on movement.
Oh my God, where's Beckett? He doesn't know the protocol.
This is the same way we lost Billy.
I can still hear his screams.
Ahh! Ah! S-s-so cold I flirted with her, Nelson who is she? Look at you trembling like wounded animals.
Nice to see I haven't lost my touch.
What is she? Mom! I flirted with her mom, Nelson! Stephanie, baby! I was so young when I had you.
Why do you always have to say that loud enough - for everybody to hear? - You think they did? - Yeah.
- Yes, ma'am! - How's my monkey? - What are you doing here? I have a meeting with your father about promoting a charity event.
You and Dad in the same room? Without any attorneys? Has that ever happened? Because there are lawyers in my baby pictures.
Oh, monkey, don't worry.
We promise to be on our best behavior.
Which, in your mother's case, means not devouring the souls of the innocent.
Hello, succubus.
I'm sorry, Claudia.
David! Oh, you're still working on your high school beard.
Well, you're looking youthful.
How much is that costing me? About half your monthly bar bill.
Well, looks like you could use the other half.
Look at you making big boy jokes.
Must be the lifts.
They restore the inches you crushed from my spine.
If I'm not out in an hour, send in an exorcist.
Beckett, feel my hands.
- They're wet! - Exactly.
No paper towels in the men's room again.
Next time, just use your words.
Why is our bathroom worse than a gas station's? That is a noggin scratcher.
Well, I'm off to do my filing.
Did you notice that Bryce has been doing a lot of filing lately, with no files? That little creep is up to something.
Yeah.
You get him! Whoa, what's up with the carb loading? Looks like a snake eating a donkey.
My mom and dad bring out my inner chubby child.
I can't believe those two are your parents.
How are you not a serial killer? I know! When I was 10 my parents put me in karate.
They said it was to lose some of the baby fat, but mostly, it was so I could tear them apart before they tore each other apart.
Shut up! You're really giving that much money to my charity? Yes.
It's a worthy cause.
Why don't we grab some lunch and go over the details? Sounds great.
You know, that goatee is growing on me.
- Very Brad Pitt rugged.
- Oh I was going for George Clooney rakish, but I can settle for Pitt.
Oh, God.
It's worse than I thought.
What are you talking about? They're getting along famously.
Exactly.
The only thing worse than my parents fighting, is my parents not fighting.
You know there's only two ways that people can interact.
When they get along, they get so obsessed with each other that I become invisible.
I become fat and invisible.
Neither of them had any time for me until they got divorced.
That's rough, Steph.
- What the hell?! - I'm sorry.
It's instinct.
Ah The Halls of Asgard.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't the Earl of Tinkleberry.
Nelson! Whoa! What do we have here? I knew you were up to something.
Soaker tub, a shower Is that a Japanese heated-massage toilet with dual-action water jets? - What is this place? - This is my Garden of Peeden.
My Xanadu-doo.
It was built by a music producer, then all but forgotten.
Until I did what anyone else would have: I squatted in it.
So I'm gonna need the pass code.
Absolutely not! This is my pleasure dome.
I misappropriated it fair and square! Come on, I won't tell anyone.
- And if I don't? - I'll tell everyone.
Ah, trust built on mutual distrust.
Game, set, match, Nelson.
Wow, we haven't had a lunch like this since you got drunk and stabbed yourself in the thigh with a fork.
I'm pretty sure it was you that stabbed me with a fork.
Me, you, whatever.
The point is, it was hysterical.
- You okay? - Sure, why? Because you eating that burger is like watching one of those birthing videos backwards.
If your parents were reuniting you wouldn't chew either.
Stephanie, they're just having a meeting.
It's strictly business.
This is bad, this is so bad.
Oh man, this is good.
All right, look.
Obviously you're having a difficult time with your parents' happiness.
You're an adult.
They're adults.
Find some place you can have an adult conversation.
Like right here.
It's "French Bistro Night.
" "Authentic French food, authentic French service.
" Hey, how authentic is this French Bistro night? Stinkier cheese, 3 times the price and I'm much ruder to you.
See? It's perfect.
Bring your parents here.
And remember, be a grown-up.
I'm always a grown-up.
Ba - Gordon, where's my bam? - Huh? When I say "Ba," you say "Bam".
Where's my "Bam?" - That's our thing.
- We have a thing? I love your tie, G-force.
- Where did you get it? - Yesterday at my neighbourhood clothing swap.
I got it for a top hat and a poncho.
Ha! Japanese silk, Italian print I have the perfect shirt for it.
What do you say you give it to me? I don't know.
I've grown pretty attached to it.
I think I have something that will change your mind.
It better be pretty good.
- Ba - Bam.
Wow! Scotch and cigars I'm one step closer to my dream of living with Danny DeVito.
I am a fat cat now, Beckett, and this Scotch is almost making your sarcasm tolerable.
You didn't sell my watch, did you? I haven't yet.
I still might.
But I'm about to turn you into my cleaning wench.
- Ah! What in the holy hell is that? - Right? Would it surprise you to know that what's inside this suitcase is worth $20,000? - It is? - I don't know, but would it surprise you? Because I want to move into a bouncy castle.
- You know those aren't for living in.
- I'm sorry, what did you say? No, no, no! They're for living in, they're for living in! You know, I'm really impressed you're so dedicated to saving the rainforest.
How did you choose this cause? Why does anyone do anything like this? To appear charitable, and for the tax credit.
Hey, you and me together again.
Feels right, doesn't it? It does.
Mom, Dad, sorry I'm late.
Stephanie, what are you doing here? - I invited you out to dinner.
- No, you said you wanted to buy us dinner.
Well, I thought me attending was implied.
Here we go.
Excuse me, is there an extra place setting? Oh, for a table that's obviously not meant for three.
Sure.
So French.
This is nice, isn't it? The three of us.
Mom, Dad, daughter Who I had at a very, very young age.
Yeah, we should do more stuff like this, just the three of us.
- Remember that trip we took to Niagara Falls? - Oh, that was such a great trip.
- That was not such a great trip.
- It was.
You looked so beautiful on the Maid of the Mist.
- Remember the Ferris wheel? - Yeah, we joined the 200 feet high club.
- What? - Twice.
I think my underwear might still be up there.
- We should go check.
- Ew, ew! Do you remember that you had a child? Oh no, you didn't, because you two lovebirds were having way too much fun you lost track of time and left me in a fudge shop.
Oh, come on! You were like a kid in a candy store.
For seven hours.
You enjoyed eating your way through fudges of the world, and we sent a police officer to bring you to us.
That's because you two were in jail! Stephanie, what family doesn't bond over the occasional indecent exposure arrest? - Almost all of them.
- Hey, do you remember we had that adorable little holding cell all to ourselves? Oh, I'd forgotten about that! Watching you get out of those handcuffs was one of the sexiest things I've ever seen.
I can still dislocate my thumbs.
Ok, no blinking, no looking away, no exceptions.
Ready, set, go! One Mississippi, two Mississippi ah! Three Mississippi, four Mississippi! Ah! That's a new looking at whatever the hell that is record.
And to this day, because of you, everyone thinks that Ted Danson is a nice guy.
I know, and he's such a bastard.
So, monkey, is there a special man monkey in your life? Oh, you're talking to me? No, I'm just focusing on my career.
Really? I mean, really proud of you, sweetheart.
We're both proud.
Well, I'm proud of both of you for getting along.
Maybe this time you won't forget about me.
How can we forget about you, sweetheart? You're sitting right there, in the way.
What do you guys wanna do tonight? You wanna go see a movie? Go for a walk? Maybe go play some laser tag? I don't know about your father, but I've had a really long day and I just want to go to bed.
Oh, yeah.
It has been an unusually long day.
A bed sounds pretty good to me too.
Can one of you just drive me home? No.
I suppose you'll be wanting some dessert? Yeah.
Park it, Frenchie.
Screw it.
Ooh, David, I love watching you do that.
Oh, I can tell.
- You want to watch me do the other one? - Yes, please.
Is this bothering you? Because it's bugging the hell out of me and they're not even my parents.
Yeah, it's gross, but after 3 cans of frosting and 30 bucks at Cinnabon, I remembered or possibly hallucinated that it never lasts.
Really? Because they've been in there for over 2 hours.
Nope.
We just gotta tough it out.
That was a very efficient and professional meeting.
Yes.
Nothing untoward happened in that very professional and efficient meeting.
Dad, you still have your handcuffs on.
Would you lookie there.
So, where are you two off to? - No place for little boys.
- Walking away.
- We're going to a wine tasting.
- Let's be honest.
It's a wine drinking.
- Or wine guzzling.
- We're just warming up our palates - because next week we're going to a vineyard in Napoli.
- Yeah.
Oh, and sweetheart, this is for dinner last night.
- Fudge? - Just a couple of pounds.
Bye, monkey.
I'm gonna need an emergency meeting right now.
And get me some butter for this fudge.
Go! Nelson Abrams using a hairdryer To get his hair higher Higher and higher Whoa, - hold up.
Occupado! - I gotta go.
I drank a venti and my bladder is only a grande.
Gordon? What the - What did you do? - Don't yell at me, I'll sprinkle! Who are all those people? I told my clothing swap pals what I got for the tie, and they just had to see this place.
You've got to get them out of here before Bryce finds out.
You know what he's like when he gets mad.
He gets that scrunchy face and spouts words nobody knows.
You sir, are a gossiping flap-mouth! I got flap-mouth once.
No more second-hand toothbrushes for me.
Thanks so much for the appraisal.
Tell me, have you ever seen anything like it before? Well, I have.
Once.
It was at Woodstock, and they weren't kidding about that brown acid.
So what do you think, Barry? Well, in all my years on Storage Wars, I've never seen anything quite like it.
- So, it's worth a lot of money? - Well, there's an old saying, "One man's trash is another man's treasure.
" - Ok! - Unfortunately, in this case it doesn't apply.
Because what you have is weird, freaky crap.
But I will give you 10 bucks to close the suitcase.
Step up and pay the lady.
Ok, guys, I gave you all morning to come up with some ideas on how to break up my parents.
Here are my ideas.
Let's hear yours.
"Shave Dad's hair in his sleep.
No one likes a baldy.
" That's true.
No offense.
There are no bad ideas, so come on.
I think I see a few.
I have a bad idea.
"Trusting Nelson".
How many times do I have to apologize? - Once would be nice.
- I'm working up to it.
Ok, come on, guys, let's think outside the box here.
I can't.
I'm kind of a box thinker.
All box thinkers follow me.
I have a card for you.
Oh, great! Thanks! "Mind your own business.
" - Just an idea.
- Why don't you mind your own business? You said there were no bad ideas.
Ugh! Stupid Beckett.
Hey! Here you go, big guy! Look what I bought you! This is 4-ply sheepskin toilet paper.
It's illegal in New Zealand.
My bathroom was my sanctuary.
Bryce McBradden cannot be bought.
Not for any number of plies! But there's 4 of them.
Don't you get it? That bathroom was the one place where I was free.
Where I didn't have to manage everybody else's problems, and where everything wasn't my fault.
Come on, that's just not true.
Bryce, I'm gonna need you to decant this, and can you cancel all my afternoon appointments? Just make it seem like it's your fault.
- Right away, sir.
- Are you coming, Claudia? In a second.
Bryce, can you bring my car around? There's some bird droppings on it, you might want to take care of that too.
Watch the paint.
Will do.
Well, time to do the filing.
Only now, filing is code for "use 4-ply toilet paper to wash the boss's ex-wife's car.
" Wow, monkey.
You really are focusing on your career.
- Mom! - Anything I can help you with? Uh, no! No.
How was your wine tasting? Listen.
I know seeing me and your father together must stir up some conflicting emotions.
Oh no.
My emotions aren't conflicted at all.
Crystal clear.
- Well, that makes one of us.
- What do you mean? You guys can't keep your hands off each other.
Not just our hands.
Ew.
I should know better than getting involved with your father again.
Someone should be the adult and stop us.
- Funny you should say that.
- But then I think, finding happiness isn't easy.
Once you've got it, don't question it.
What do you think? Ugh Stupid Beckett isn't as stupid as I thought.
And a total hottie.
If I were your age, I'd tap that so fast.
- Mom! I can't believe you! - What? That's the first time I've ever heard you say "if I were your age".
What would you say to a 2002 Malbec? I would say: wait your turn.
That's the answer I was hoping for.
Ahem Daughter coming in.
Still scarred from the last time I caught you two having sex.
I remember that.
You were ten when you walked in on me.
And twelve when you walked in on me.
How was the wine tasting? Oh, it was wonderful.
We got this bottle of grand cru - from the year you were born.
- I was very young that year.
Ok.
Forget the wine.
Listen.
I've been complaining about you guys leaving me at the fudge shop for years.
The truth is, I never felt like we were a family until you guys got divorced.
And I don't want to lose that, but more than that, I just want you guys to be happy.
Oh, that is so sweet.
And what would make me happy right now is if your father would admit the whole fudge incident was his fault.
Was it? They were gonna let us off with a warning, until your father started staring at that female officer's rack.
Well, I wasn't the only one staring that day.
Your mother did quite an impromptu wet T-shirt contest for a group of Japanese tourists on the Maid of the Mist.
It was not impromptu.
That was entirely promptu.
I'm big in Japan.
This is just like you.
We were having a nice time - and you have to start digging up old skeletons.
- Don't knock it.
That's how I met you.
You are not that much younger than me.
Are you kidding me? You spoke at Career Day when I was in middle school.
Oh, I should never have married a woman who bathes in the blood of kittens.
- You are unbelievable.
- Oh, am I? Well, you, you have the soul of a toaster.
And you have the height of one.
Shouldn't you be in the woods handing out poisoned apples? Shouldn't you be filling your empty life with alcohol? Are you guys breaking up? - Sorry, monkey, yes, we are.
- Definitely.
Aww Yes!!! There's a certain terror in your eyes that I find strangely irresistible.
- There it is.
- I'm gonna take the stairs.
I'd tap that.
- Really? I can keep these? - Yeah, go ahead.
It's on me.
Wow, X-ray gloves.
Hey, Mr.
Weiss, can you see my thoughts? Ha, ha! You're weirder than I am, pal.
I'm gonna take that as a compliment.
You take it how you want.
- I'll see ya.
Abby! - Barry! Check it out.
Time for somebody to do some heavy lifting, Fifi.
For that thing in the suitcase? I thought you said Storage Wars' own Barry Weiss said it was worthless - and freaky.
- I know.
He did.
But our own Nelson said it was worth 1,500 bucks.
Yup.
I have my reasons.
"Dear Bryce.
" "This thing guarding the door should give you the privacy you wanted.
Happy flushing.
Nelson.
" Oh my God, it's looking right into my soul! "You're really giving that much money to my charity?" Yes.
What the hell is that? Sorry, I thought I was playing the girl in this scene.