Spy (2011) s01e02 Episode Script

Right, well, if everyone's ready, then.
My name is Paula, and I'm here to help you all get along a little better.
- Good luck with that.
- Oh, isn't he a treasure? Now, Marcus, we're going to meet here every few weeks, and when it's time for me to report back to the court, if your naughty daddy has failed to show that he can look after you properly, then you will go straight back to live with your mummy.
Is that all clear? - Translucent.
- Right, how have things been? - Great.
- Appalling.
- General agreement.
- No agreement.
So, what problems have there been, living together? - May I? - Yes, of course.
Thank you all for coming here today.
This is obviously a very difficult situation and I know we all want what's best for the child.
- Nicely articulated, Marcus.
- Little bit pretentious.
How can I describe Tim's parenting skills? - Exemplary? - Feeble.
Tim is a dreadful father.
- Oh, that's not true.
- It is.
- He's always late - I object! This isn't a courtroom, Tim.
- His cooking is abysmal.
- What? Updated classics, - Gary Rhodes? - The house is a death trap.
- Terrifying! - Give me one example.
OK, so there might be a little tiny bit of snagging.
And he has unsuitable friends.
Right, well, that's absolutely not true, because I don't have any friends, so bad luck Objection! - Sustained! - I withdraw.
In summary, I humbly request that social services allow me to live with my mother and Philip.
Really don't want to talk about Philip.
- No offence, Philip.
- Don't worry about me, bro.
That was a very impressive presentation.
- It certainly was.
- I want you.
I'm sorry? - Sorry, what? - You said you want me? Idon't think so.
- You disgust me, Tim.
- Sly goat! Tim and I would never enter into a relationship.
- No! - God, no! A forbidden romance? - Absolutely not! - Like in The English Patient.
- Never! - Never? Very unlikely.
- Never! - Watch this space.
- Ignore the space.
- We'll see.
But for now, to help everyone achieve their goals, I have prepared this special chart.
Every time Daddy does something good, you give him a gold star.
And every time he does something bad, you give him a black star.
- That is genius! - It's not exactly scientific.
- It's for children, Tim.
- Still, it's pretty meaningless.
Do you see how this works? - I do.
- Unfairly.
- And Tim? - Yes, Paula? Do you know what I tell fathers? Try and be a hero to your son.
- It's that simple.
- Mm.
That's not simple.
Negative attitude.
OK.
Good.
Scan in progress.
Identified - Louise Webster.
- Um, no, no, it's Tim Elliott.
- Have a good day, Louise.
OK, come on! - Yeah, yeah, sit anywhere.
- So first day Nervous? - No, sir! - Course you are.
Listen up, people.
I am The Examiner.
It's a good title, isn't it? Powerful.
Over the next few months, you will be undergoing extensive training in all the key operational areas.
But I will repeat, if anyone discovers you work for MI5, you're out of here.
Is that clear? - Yes, sir.
- I definitely haven't told anyone.
Now, what is the first rule of weaponry? - Safety.
- Restraint.
- Have fun! - Really? - You bet! - I'd have gone with safety.
Have you seen this stuff? This is seriously cool.
Two-way earpieces, recordable pens, smoke grenades.
Check out the Taser.
50,000 volts.
Thank you very much.
Don't you just want to sink that charge into someone? - Only if the use of force is reasonable.
- But who's to say if it is reasonable? - The courts.
- Or is it us, Tim? - No, the courts.
- It's a grey area.
- Not really.
- As long as we have fun, eh? Am I right or am I right? - Legally you're not right.
- Absolutely spot-on, sir! Good lad.
OK, pair up, grab some gear.
Target acquisition exercise in 30 minutes.
Oh, brilliant.
Have you located the target? Iam The Examiner.
Ohhh stop messing about, Alpha One.
Sorry.
I've found it! Ahh! Yes, OK! I heard you, Alpha One! Just get the bag and bring it back to the RV.
- My bag! - Whoa! - My bag, thank you! - No, no, it isn't.
It's evening bag.
- Ignore him and let's go! - OK, if it's your bag, what's in it? - A dog? - A dog.
Microwave? - Do you need backup? - No, no, negative, negative.
- I'm on my way, over.
- You Immigration? - No, I'm not with Immigration.
- You spy on me naked.
- OK, bye-bye.
- Oh! No! - Yes, give me that bag back! - Spy! - No! - Ah! Alpha One, come in, Alpha One.
Oh, that's that's disgusting.
- Aaagh! - Ohhh! Sorry.
Are you OK? Thank God.
Ohh! Come in, Alpha One! Tim? - It really is an incredible story, Tim.
- Stop it.
Are you kidding? My viewers are going to love this.
"Single father rescues terrorised homeless man.
" Wow, when you put like that And to think that only yesterday you were just a pointless civil service computer dweeb.
- Yeah, I wouldn't quite say - And now you're this huge local hero! Whoo-whoo! Come on! This is ludicrous.
Your son must tell you all the time how proud he is of you.
Oh, he does.
- With his eyes.
- I assume this earns you a gold star? - Not yet! - Marcus! Well, let's remedy that straightaway.
Do you want to give your dad a gold star for his bravery? Sadly, we're all out of gold ones.
I bought some more.
How about that, Marcus? - How about that, Marcus? - Well played, Tim.
And what about you, Jarek? Can you still not remember anything about the attack? Nothing.
One minute is OK, next minute - blackness.
- Pity.
- Isn't it? - Well, if you do remember any of the details, I would love I think the viewers will have forgotten by then.
So, where will Jarek go now? - I don't know, it's very sad.
- I stay here.
No.
No, I don't think that's ideal.
- Ideal.
- Not really your call.
That's an excellent ideal Perfect, yes! - And what do you think, Marcus? - Can Jarek please stay with us, Daddy? - Please? - This is turning into a terrific story.
You know what, I'm gonna fast-track you onto my show tomorrow.
- I beg you not to.
- Don't mention it, Tim.
Urgent toilet.
Again? We're joined now in the studio by single father Tim Elliott, who really does have an extraordinary tale to tall.
Tim, welcome.
Great to see you today.
- Thanks ever so much for coming - Yeah - I'm watching it now.
- Mother Teresa meets Steven Seagal.
And? - It's OK.
You look a little - Fat, I know.
I was gonna say effeminate, but who cares? You're a bona fide hero! This is gonna net you some serious action, dude! - Really? - Are you kidding? For some women, being heroic is even more important than money.
You are a deeply cynical man.
- I'll see you later.
- Word.
- There I was - I know him! A breathing and a man, yes, a homeless dirty man.
- A homeless dirty man.
? - Yes.
Are we crazy? - One of us might be! - This can't go on, Tim.
- OK! - And yet it must! - Really? - You can't put a name on this.
- Sexual harassment? - Do you want me to lose my job? - Increasingly, yes.
- You must be strong for both of us.
- Tell me what to do.
- Leave me alone? - I'll do anything you say.
- Leave me alone? - Just say the word.
- Leave me alone? - Your silence says it all.
- Sod off? I know, baby l know.
- So were you scared? - No, sweetheart, I don't do scared.
Listen, this isn't just my job, you know, this is - Excuse me.
- who I am.
Sorry.
Excuse me.
Ooh, sorry, love.
Are you all right? Oi, Blue Thunder, The Examiner wants you.
I'm sorry, ladies, duty calls.
Yeah.
Ah, Tim, come in.
- Sit down.
- Thank you.
- Whisky? - Er, it's 10am, sir.
- Gin? - Er, I think I'm fine.
When I first started here, Tim, drinking was only allowed after hours.
But I changed that.
You want to know why? - You have a massive drinking problem? - Because I am a maverick, Tim.
I do what needs to be done.
Man of action.
I think you are too.
Thanks.
- I like you, Tim.
- Thank you.
- Almost too much.
- Bit weird.
- You showed tremendous courage yesterday.
- Yeah in a way.
So, Action Man - when are you going to kill the hobo? - I'm sorry? The Bulgarian.
When are you gonna punch his card? I'm not sure I understand.
Well, obviously we can't have this Jarek creature discovering that you're MI5.
- No, obviously - So when are you going to terminate him? Sorry, I'm not going to terminate him.
Mmm I get you.
What? I get it.
Why are you winking? - Am I? - Yeah.
Well, you know, winking is hard to prove in one of your law courts, Tim.
It could be just a twitch - Is it? - Who knows? - Alrighty! - OK? Hey, give me the nod when you need the cleaners.
Oh, I won't need the cleaners.
- Oh, you're gonna need the cleaners.
- Not gonna need the cleaners.
- Hey, I hear you, Tim.
- Pretty sure you don't.
- You and I are the same, Tim.
- No, we're not.
Yeah, ruthless.
Ruthless man.
Get in there! - You're looking guilty.
- I'm not! No breakfast.
Jarek, a black star, if you please.
No, no, no, no, no.
Not so fast.
There we are.
Two organic free-range Columbian blacktail eggs.
Poached for 4 minutes and 17 seconds.
Homemade soya flaxseed bread and unsalted Venezuelan goat's butter.
- I'm not hungry.
- Good to know that now.
Thank you.
- I have? - Knock yourself out! No, no, no, no, no.
- Egg no good.
- Oh, dear.
- What? - Again.
- What, you just want me to redo it? - Well, I am only homeless guy, you treat like rubbish.
No, no, it's fine.
I'll just redo it.
You fix wire.
ls very dangerous.
Maybe you could have a little look at that while I'm at work Oh, so Jarek only useful as house slave.
East European guy so you treat like animal! Why not you put saddle on back and ride round kitchen like Eurasian moose? I quite agree.
Whoa, hey! Why two stars? One for each egg.
I have to go to work.
- Toilet blocked again.
- Course it is! And we need more black stars.
It's been like this all week! - He's a nightmare.
- So throw him out! - I can't! - Why not? Because! I'll get more black stars.
And then Paula will write up a bad report and then I'll lose custody of Marcus.
Yes! I am your god and you worship me.
- Say it! - No.
Will you talk to him? He just ignores me.
You want me to talk to a tramp? - Yeah.
- Why would I do that? Because that's what friends do for each other? No.
I don't understand.
Just talk to him.
Please.
I don't care where he goes, I just want him out.
OK.
On one condition.
Yes, fine.
You are my god and I worship you.
That is such a nice thing to say.
But I was actually going to ask you to help me move that display.
Oh.
Aren't you supposed to open up by now? Yeah.
Look at 'em.
Imbeciles.
Yaaaah! Yah! Yah! Go on, get! Sorry, could you make any more noise? If you wanted to get someone out of your house, how would you go about doing that? Ask him to many me? Knowing my luck, Jarek would probably accept.
Ah, yes, your Bulgarian bromance.
- You live alone, don't you? - Why? Maybe Jarek could come and stay with you.
Aww! I've just got so much work to catch up on, and I don't get any peace at home.
Don't worry, I'm sure he'll leave soon.
I've asked my friend Chris to talk to him.
- Well, there you go, then.
- Yeah.
You haven't met Chris.
Tell you what, if Chris has no success, I suppose I could always help you study.
- Really? - Sure.
Why not? - I could come study at your place! - My place? - I thought that's what you meant.
- No.
Yes! That is what I meant.
You come to mine.
You see, I mean, it's just a study session, it's not like it's a date! No! - How about Saturday night? - Saturday? - It's when Marcus stays with his mother.
- Right.
That is such a relief.
Oh, I feel less anxious already.
Mm, me too.
Phew! First, may I say that my client - has enjoyed your company? - Thank you.
But he feels the current situation cannot continue.
Why not? Let's just say irreconcilable differences.
However, in recognition of your contribution, we are prepared to offer you a very generous severance package.
That's not going to fly, Chris.
We think it's a pretty substantial offer, given the economic climate.
Fine.
Well, we'll just have to see what the media make of it when we disclose the real circumstances of Jarek's "accident".
- You mean? - That's right, Chris, we've known all along that Tim fell on Jarek.
- You wouldn't dare.
- Try me.
Fine.
ã1,000 and a one-way flight to Bulgaria.
On Ryanair.
ã2,000 and a KLM flight.
- ã1,500, EasyJet.
- Bulkhead seats.
Regular seats, but priority boarding.
- Lunch.
- A sandwich.
- On board.
- You're dreaming! Boots meal deal, and I don't introduce our friend to UK Immigration.
My client also wants 13 litres of industrial-strength toilet cleaner.
- Industrial! - Done.
As long as your client is out of the house within the hour.
Agreed.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.
- Thank you.
Now, gentlemen, if you'll excuse me, Hannah Montana is on.
- How's our little problem? - Being handled, sir.
Alrighty.
Just let me know when you need the cleaners.
- Not gonna need the cleaners.
- Oh, you're gonna need Can we please not get into this again? I like everything about you, Tim.
OK.
Ohhh! Ah-ha-ha! Jarek, your taxi will be here in ten minutes.
OK.
OK.
Jarek? Jarek! Oh, dear - Still nothing? - I don't know what he's doing.
Told him to call me straight after.
So I was thinking for Saturday, I might as well make a bit of dinner.
Nothing flash, just a little nibble.
I was wondering, is there anything you don't like? I really wish people would stop doing that! I'm sorry.
You know you're not supposed to come to my work.
How did it go? There's good news and bad news.
What's the bad news? Jarek's dead.
Any chance the good news offsets the bad news? Not really.
I asked you to negotiate with him! I did! Well, it sounds like you were a little inflexible! He electrocuted himself on your dodgy light switches.
Oh, God.
Does Marcus know? Not yet.
I hid the body in his yoga mat.
Eww! What're we gonna do? All right, leave it to me.
- OK.
- I think I know someone who can help.
My fingerprints are everywhere.
Don't you worry about a thing, Tim, - my boys will take it from here.
- Really not what you think - I know, of course, an accident.
Boo-hoo.
- It was.
Damn it, Tim, you complete me.
Everybody, that guy - ruthless.
Learn from him.
- Permission to call an ambulance, sir.
- Yeah, yeah, permission granted.
- That was a good result, then! - It's really not what it looks like.
I only asked him to go round and Actually, I'd rather not know the details, - if that's OK? - OK.
I won't have to bother you at the weekend, so, you know, you're off the hook.
Hooray.
I guaranteed my viewers a follow-up and now I'm going to look like a complete tit.
- Yeah, I just came home and he was gone.
- Damn, damn, damn! - Sorry.
- Oh, it's OK.
I'll just have to make something up.
When you say "make up"? I don't know, the usual veiled character attack on you.
Unsubtle innuendos suggesting foul play and perversions.
I'll figure something out, don't worry about me.
- OK, good.
- Unless, of course, Tim comes on your show and confesses to I don't know, having Jarek deported? - Absolutely not! - That's a brilliant idea.
- "Hero disgraced on national television.
" - It has a ring to it.
I'm never There's no way I'm doing that.
But you see, if you don't, I'll have to dig into every part of your life your family, your girlfriends, your work.
.
- My work? - Everything.
This is ridiculous! And remember, Tim, we're going to need plenty of tears.
- Forget it! - Oceans of tears.
You are a despicable person, aren't you? Yes.
You're a spiteful, heartless, perverted monster.
- Yes.
- Say it.
- I am a spiteful, heartless - Perverted.
Yes, thank you perverted monster.
You're basically a total sh - I think we've seen enough.
- It made it seem worse than it was.
This makes it hard for us to be together.
- Us? - There is no "us", Tim! - Let it go! - But you just said But you just said this OK, fine.
Hey! In anticipation.
It's been a tough couple of weeks, Tim.
Currently there's no contest between you and Philip.
Really don't wanna talk about Philip.
No offence, Philip.
None taken, bubba.
- Who's for giving Tim another chance? - No.
- No.
- Absolutely! So, let's see if we can't turn things around and start over.
- Oh, terrific - Oh, negative attitude! OK.
good