Squidbillies (2005) s01e02 Episode Script

% My dreams are all dead and buried % % Sometimes l wish the sun would just explode % % When God comes and calls me to His kingdom % % l'll take all you sons of bitches when l go % - My turn.
- Come on! Don't touch the trim! % Talking to your lover % % Pour me a glass of rum % % Open the door % % l need a lover % There's nothing more stupid on Earth than the love between an uneducated squid and his illegitimate son.
- Do it again, boy! - l'll do it right again right now.
Right.
Look here.
Make sure you checkify and lookifize your blind spot.
Yes, sir! Hell, yeah! Did you like that? Did l do it, daddy? l'm so damn proud of you, son.
Hell, do it again.
Let's go.
Early, come in here.
l fried up a mess of mud.
Look here.
Guess who just learned hisself some parallel parking? - Rusty? - What the?! Me, you dumb bitch.
Mud's getting cold.
l don't want no more fried mud.
l want a grape popsicle.
- l don't want no mud - Settle down, Rusty.
l told you once, l don't want no more mud.
- Give me something different.
- Rusty! Grape damn popsicle.
Lil, looks like we got us a damn connoisseur over here.
- So you want a grape popsicle? - Yes, sir.
How about l shove a pine stick up your ass and make you a boysicle? - How'd you like that mess? - No, sir.
Well, Rusty, you want yourself some real gourmet food then why don't you try working yourself a real damn job.
Ain't you got a real job, daddy? - What time is it? - About 2:30.
What the?! Damn! l'm two days and six hours late for work.
% Work, work, work, work % % Ready, going to work % % You're late, you're late, you're late % Even an ex-con needs a second chance.
Fortunately for Early, his boss believed in forgiveness.
And this here is the lmmaculate Conceptor.
lt's got special heavenly coils that'll make you sleep for three days.
Then you will arise rested and refreshed.
And if you ain't completely satisfied you will experience the second coming of your cash or store credit.
- Great.
We're just looking, thanks.
- Well, look at this here.
Yeah! Look at this.
Egyptian cotton.
l know the slaves made it but hell, they got away.
That's OK.
You know, we're not big, you know, sleepers.
You could be, believe it.
Baptimize yourself in total comfort as you part the bad seed - OK, well, we need to go.
- Come on back here, Jerry.
Looky here.
- Steve, actually.
- What's this look like? - Water? - Yes, yes.
But it could be wine.
You know, the kind she makes when the mood is getting just right? - Yeah, l know - What l'm saying, Jerry When she gets to saying, ''Ooh, Daddy! Big Daddy Jerry, yeah!'' - Well, we got to go.
- Gimme this here! - Now, we gonna give it a test spank.
- You hold on just a minute.
You gotta watch, otherwise, l ain't gonna get off! Before we do this, l am gonna need a major credit card.
Brother Early, a word, please.
Preacher says, ''lt ain't working out.
'' So l said ''Read the Bible? l'll feed you the damn Bible!'' - Hot damn, Daddy, you did that? - You did not.
Then what happened? Oh, yeah.
That's when l brought him down with the riot baton.
l run for a spell, but You caught me, didn't you, old man? Sure did, Early.
Your legs ain't what they used to be.
- l can still kick.
- All right, all right.
Get the keys, Rusty! Get the damn keys! - l'm wild! - Of course you are.
But, Early, you know you're violating parole if you're not gainfully employed.
Take his ass back to jail, Sheriff.
He's too damn dumb to be free.
- Mind your mouth, woman.
- l ain't afraid of you.
- You want to die, woman? - Come on! Just let me at her.
- Come on, Froggy, jump! - Knock it off, you two.
Law is law All right, l've seen enough.
- Come on, let's go back into town.
- Daddy, you ain't going back to prison? At that moment, Early realized it was too late to get an abortion.
Well, hell, l reckon not, Rusty.
Fetch me my formal attire.
The time has come to matriculate myself unto a real job.
- ''Where do l see myself in five beers?'' - Years.
Years.
l don't know.
Jail? - Well - Don't say jail.
Prison.
Well, hell, how hard could it be? lt ain't brain surgery.
- lt is brain surgery.
- l got a knife.
Where's the brain at? Early! - How hard could this be? lt ain't rocket - Let's just go.
Early.
Hey, Early.
Stop it! That there's my first impression, right there! Early, meeting.
- Meeting? - Oh, well.
Damn, l'm sorry.
Good morning.
My name's Early, and l'm a real book nut.
As you can tell by your face there, l'm very highly motivated.
- l got boundless energy - Yeah, maybe we should go.
When can l expect to hear something? Hello? So l debarked from my previous emploratorium to encrotch upon more moneyfied situlations like this here opportronity.
- l seen your sign - Brother Early! l fired you! Just yesterday.
Wonderful.
So you have an opening, then.
l have a restraining order.
May God have mercy on your soul.
Who's the sumbitch told you that? Where do you keep getting these things? Mind your business.
This here's a tense negotionation.
l do apprecianate the generous offer, but knifery is the tool of a idiot.
l listen to my gut, and my gut tells me that this ain't a fit but my heart says this could work and gut's a damn moron.
So they get to carrying on, and then my brain chimes in and sayin' l got to try my hand at the fast sex-paced world of adult literature.
This here's a four-figure opportunity.
You sure you don't want to sleep on it? You want to sleep forever? l said adult literature.
Read this erotic sumbitch here.
Read it slow.
l believe that's an ampersand.
Does that get you hot? - You know, l prefer mysteries.
- Damn computers! ''Just stay perfectly still.
'' What the hell kind of job is that? Let's talk benefits.
Look at my damn mouth.
Hell, l ain't paying for dental.
So, under experience you've listed here, on your hat-shaped resume that you can skin a buck, run a trout line, and that all your rowdy friends Are coming over tonight.
Yes, sir.
Early, you're the most impressive squid l've interviewed for this position.
Let's talk briefly about your work ethic.
Well, l don't think ethnics do no work.
l mean, that's they problem, really.
lf you ain't like me, go hang from a damn tree.
Overt racial prejudice.
lmpressive, Early.
- l thank you kindly.
- Certainly.
And your reference checks out.
Hello, over there.
l think what most impresses me, Early, is the effort in detail which you've clearly shown in urinating on my laptop.
l don't care to consort with those of the robot race.
And why would you? l think that covers it.
Early, welcome to Dan Halen Sheetrock lnternational.
- Congratulations.
- What l gotta do? Well, you're my boss and as CEO you'll have certain responsibilities, like showing up and leaving and accepting liability for certain class-action lawsuits that may or may not, and in fact currently are being levied against new products such as The pocket surgeon! Just scrape the rust from the collapsible tumor scoop and Look, you won't have to know any of this stuff.
- The point is, people are dumb.
- ls my mind going on me or am l watching you jibber jabber like some sort of jibberty box? - Jibber jabber on, jibber jabber on.
- l'm sorry.
l'm just a brash intern.
lt won't happen again, sir.
Well, damn, now l feel bad.
Tell you what, take the day off.
Working with me, fire and ice.
l gotta warn you, fire and ice.
% He's a new CEO % What Dan Halen didn't tell Early was that he was hired to fill a minority management quota.
% Oh, hell, hell, no % The previous token squid left to pursue other opportunities.
Hello, excuse me.
Can you help me, please? Look, sorry.
Something smells like Zesty ranch baby tacos! Now in man flavor.
Product may or may not contain ground up remains of man in squid suit.
lt's so delicious, l was glad to die for it.
This is a paid actor who may or may not reflect the feelings of the dead Mexican in squid suit you may or may not be eating.
Enjoy responsibly.
Early was bursting with pride to announce his new management position with Dan Halen Sheetrock.
Daddy's home and he done been jobulated and occupatized! - Mud's on the stove.
- Lil, put it back in the yard.
We goin' out tonight.
Except for you and you.
Life is unexpected.
No.
Drop 'em.
BloodLogic