Squinters (2018) s01e02 Episode Script

1 (READS) "How about dinner and a movie? Gary loves spy thrillers.
" Oh, great, he talks about himself in the third person.
That's a massive red flag.
I have actually been hired as your area supervisor.
You're my supervisor? Hey, what about the time you gave that kid an atomic wedgie for a full five minutes? You strangulated one of my testicles.
I had to get it removed.
(TYRES SCREECH) Fucking hell! I just hit a man with no pants! - Can you stop staring at me? - What? I'm not.
I'm not staring.
- What? - No, it's nothing.
It's just, obviously the last five years have been very hard on you.
- What do you mean, obviously? - It's pretty obvious.
You've changed too.
It's been five years.
- Yeah, but right now I'm seeing 20.
- Oh, fuck off.
No, honestly.
You don't look anything like I remember.
What's happened in the last five years? You weren't bald last time I saw you.
Suddenly you look like some kind of, I don't know, Greek sex pest.
I've grown into a man.
Remember when we were teenagers and we used to dress the same so we could pretend to be twins? - Yes.
- That is inconceivable now.
Honestly.
I'm not even 100% sure you are my brother.
You could be a stranger for all I know.
OK, what number Arrowfield Street did we grow up on? - I don't even remember.
- You don't remember? - No.
- 23 Arrowfield Street.
- What was our favourite TV show? - It's a Knockout.
- The A-Team.
- No! OK, stop the car.
I don't know who you are.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
Right.
- Let me out.
SONG: It's a wide open road It's a wide open road So how do you think it feels Sleeping by yourself When the one you love, the one you love Is with someone else? And it's a wide open road It's a wide open road.
RADIO: You're not going to believe this, but we've got a great run into the city on the M4 this morning.
It's just gone 8am.
How long the good times last is anyone's guess.
Time to play guess the blood alcohol content.
OK.
What were you drinking and when was your last drink? Bourbon.
2am.
- .
08.
- (MIMICS BUZZER) - 0.
12! - That's very high.
I've decided to become a legend again, Neddy.
Somewhere along the way I forgot who I was, and you reminded me of the man I used to be.
You mean the BOY you used to be.
Mate, we've matured a lot Yeah, check this out, check this out.
Hey, if you got a promotion and moved to another city I'd move for you and look after the kids! That's a weird thing to say.
You've gotta be careful not to yell out anything too degrading these days.
Why yell out anything at all? You've gotta yell something out.
It's just gotta be politically correct, that's all.
- OK.
How'd she respond? - She gave me the finger.
Which is fine, she obviously wasn't listening to the content.
But once they realise we've improved the content, Neddy, they'll come round, they'll come round.
Here.
Here, check it out.
Oi! I'd love to get to know you in a non-threatening setting! How'd she respond to that one? Got two fingers and she pulled a face.
But she'll soon realise that I said something nice about her and she'll feel fucking great about herself.
Here.
Here's another one.
If you were having a spew-up Oh! Bloke with a ponytail.
(BOTH LAUGH) RADIO: Some bad news - there's a multi-vehicle accident on the M2, so avoid Macquarie Park, where two eastbound lanes Where did you learn to tie a tie, anyway? Well, before yoga I was a massive slut.
Oh, now you're just a massive ideas thief.
OK, Simoni, I am sorry that I stole your idea to get the job that was rightfully yours.
What do you want? Oh, a friend can't just apologise to a friend? Jesus.
Why are you so suspicious of me all of a sudden? I do need some intel, though, on the dispatchers I'll be supervising.
Mm.
I've been telling you about them for seven years.
- Yeah, but now I care.
- I won't be a snitch.
Simoni the longer I have this job, the more money we have for our yoga wine bar.
Hey.
Come on.
Yeah.
Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo.
- Fine.
- OK, Tell me about Roger.
- Roger is addicted to water.
- What? Yeah, he's always taking toilet breaks, and the boys say he actually stands at the urinal pissing whilst drinking a bottle of water.
- Oh, my God, like a water feature.
- Yeah, exactly.
OK.
Connor's been staring at me.
Yeah, um both of his eyes are glass.
- Oh, shit.
- Yeah, don't bring it up.
Oh, God.
OK.
And then there's Brian, who is a hugger.
And Susan, who's a 65-year-old spinster.
- Oh! I would love to be a spinster.
- Mm.
I'd rather be a widow.
- Or a divorcee.
- Oh, my gosh, divorcee.
- That is so glamorous.
- Yeah.
Widowed, as well.
That's, like, very noble, very powerful.
Mm.
"Oh, here arrives the widow Talia.
Doesn't she look stoic?" Oh, this is my friend Simoni.
She's divorced, so she's really lived her life.
I've really lived.
(LAUGHS) I can't stop living.
- She's lived a life.
- So much.
OK, so, who else? Uh Simoni.
- Now, what kind of worker is she? - Overqualified.
Bad attitude.
Second warning.
So, they got the tumour out, and when he woke up from the anaesthetic he realised he was gay.
Yeah.
No, that happens more often than you'd think.
They either wake up gay or being able to speak Mandarin.
Hey, can you grab this package that's just behind my I'm glad Uncle Con's happy, but for the sake of his marriage, it might have been better if he'd woken up being able to speak Mandarin.
- Happy birthday.
- What?! It's not my birthday.
Everyone was writing "happy birthday" on your Facebook.
Oh, I use a fake birthday for privacy reasons.
That's a bit harsh on your mates, isn't it? Well, my mates know my proper birthday.
So I'm not one of your mates? Well we can be mates.
If you want.
So, can I open it now? - Or do I have to wait till January? - Maybe wait till January.
I'm not gonna get you another one.
Oh, no! Oh, God! I just ripped your beautiful wrapping.
Oh, far out, it keeps happening! I can't even Oh! Wow.
You painted this? Mm-hm.
It's it's lovely.
Who is it? It's you.
- Yeah Yeah, it That's me.
- It's no big deal.
I just like painting portraits of friends, people I know, and stuff.
It's not like I stayed up all night finishing it or anything.
Why have I got a lazy eye? You don't have a lazy eye.
Who's that artist who paints the melted clocks? - Salvador Dali.
- Yes.
Yes.
It reminds me of him.
Thanks.
I mean, it's not what I was going for, but I'm a big fan, so I suppose No, I mean you made me LOOK like Dali.
You've even given me a little moustache.
Let's just forget this whole thing ever happened.
- Just put it back.
- No, no way.
- (MUTTERS) Oh, my God.
- No way, Paul.
This is the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.
Shame about the lazy eye, though.
It looks like I think I've got a fly on my nose.
- Just put it in the back! - No! No, no.
Oh oh, the eyes are following me.
It's like the Mona Lisa.
- If she had a moustache.
- Oh, you are such a bitch.
And Bell's palsy.
Neddy, Neddy, Neddy, Neddy.
You've got to get your head out of your mobile apps.
Hey, you remember I make apps.
I'm honoured.
You make any money from those fuckers or what? Yeah, I sell them for about $10,000 a pop, and then I get 30% of the back end as well.
You know, Bubbler's pedalling along quite nicely at the moment.
That tells you where the nearest drinking fountain is to you.
Then I've got WeMove, which I'm pretty excited about.
WeMove? I like it.
What's that - like, discount removalists? No, it tells you the best time to go to the bathroom during a movie.
You get 10,000 bucks for that? Yeah, plus 30% of the back end as well.
So (SIGHS) Fucking how far to the Magistrates Court? Um another 10 minutes or so.
- You nervous? - Yeah.
I haven't been this nervous since Jess checked the browser history searching for a recipe.
- For what? - Coq au vin.
- Did she find it? - Eh kind of.
You know the guy that ran me over also works at Kosciuszko? (SNORTS) What are the odds? About one in 3,375.
I thought the female version of Ghostbusters was awesome! - Response? - Doughnuts.
RADIO: There's a five-vehicle accident on the M4 at Holroyd, taking out a citybound lane.
Is that what you're wearing, or did you bring a change of clothes? No, this is what I'm wearing.
Why? What? Well, normally when people are attending court, they make a bit of an effort.
I HAVE made an This is an effort.
Do you have a suit that would fit me? - Do I have a suit that would fit you? - Yeah.
- Why would I have that suit? - Yeah, right, OK.
'Cause Fatty-Fatty Bald Cock's in the car.
- Yeah, right, right.
- I didn't say that.
Do you have any actual, like, legal advice apart from all these grooming and fashion tips? OK, so, the police are going to try and argue that you were on the phone and that you were distracted.
- What we need - I WAS distracted.
Like, a guy was naked and just freeballed right across this windscreen.
I know, I know, I know.
Calm down.
You're going to be fine.
You've got a $10,000-a-day silk here for free.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Alright? I'm going to destroy him.
Also, it's probably best not to mention that we're brothers.
What? Why? Because when we're in court it's just best to keep things - You're ashamed, aren't you? - I'm not ashamed.
What? There's a law at the top - No, there's not a law.
- .
.
that said, "Oh, you can't "Brothers can't represent brothers.
" It's a technicality.
- No, it just it just looks bad.
- It muddies it.
- OK, then, what do I call you? - Just call me Mr Bryant.
- Or sir.
- I'm not going to call you sir.
- Why can't I accept his friendship? - Because it's too keen.
You may as well say, "Let's sync iCals.
" If you want to go on his Facebook just stalk.
- OK, I'll call him, then.
- No! No-one actually talks on the phone.
- How do you talk to Vijay? - Through emoji.
Or if I'm feeling very lazy, text.
Seriously, only losers call.
(RINGTONE PLAYS) It's him! What do I do? Don't answer.
No-one answers.
Just play it cool.
(RINGING CONTINUES) Last time I tried to play it cool I conceived your sister.
- Gary! - Oh, Bridget! Are you driving? Am I on hands-free? I'd hate for you to have an accident.
Although I would be on hand to call an ambulance.
But I'd still be on the line.
You'd have to hang up before the moment of impact.
Oh, no, I called you - we'd be fine.
Just wondering if you wanted to go to the pictures with me tonight? Tonight did you say? Mm, I think I'm free.
Let me check my diary.
Yeah, I'm free.
We can grab a meal after.
There's a Thai place around the corner.
3.
8 on Yelp.
Hey, what's your Yelp cut-off? - Uh - (WHIMPERS) Shh! Shh! Sorry, are you busy? No, that was a dragonfly.
Just flew through the window.
- (LAUGHS) Out, out! - What? Who's that? Is that one of your kids? - What? No! What kids?! - The kids on Facebook.
You have a lot of photos with babies that look like you.
No, not mine.
Literally, no babies.
What are you, some kind of spy? (LAUGHS) Full disclosure - I did work for ASIO for 17 years.
Shall we meet at the forum at seven? Brilliant! See you then.
"Not mine! No babies!" I like to reveal you slowly.
Some men consider you baggage.
Shit! Fine, I'll call him back.
No need, I'm still on the line.
That's all fine.
And nice to meet you, Baggage.
RADIO: A bus has broken down, closing a northbound lane at Sydney Park Road.
It's just gone 9am.
We hope you have a great Wednesday.
It's just gone 5pm, traffic's running smoothly on your way home.
So, not as bad a day as we thought.
(SINGS) Driving home from work Well, I'm not driving Simoni is driving But we've just finished work We're gonna go get some dinner Maybe a red curry from the Thai place on the corner - Stop it! Don't text and drive.
- It's actually safer.
Otherwise I'm wondering what she said and I can't focus on the road.
Well, you've got precious cargo on board.
Oh, we should get one of those signs that says "supervisor on board".
Instead of baby.
That was me trying to lighten the mood.
Come on.
How did it go from me getting you an interview to taking orders from you? At least I try and make them sound like they're not orders.
I could be like, "Hey, Simoni, could you maybe get me a cup of coffee?" Or, "Oh, can you change the water cooler? "Because that's actually your responsibility around here.
" You literally said all of those things.
I know, but I try and say it with love.
Oh, at lunch today I was playing tennis with Lim Sorry, Mr Wong.
And I beat him 6-1, 6-2, but that's not the point.
What he said was that if you hit your KPIs better, you probably would have got the job as supervisor.
KPIs? You don't even know what KPI stands for.
It doesn't matter, as long as you're hitting them.
Oh, my God, did you hear that? I sound like one of them now.
- It's mental.
- (SIGHS SHAKILY) Hey, hey.
Here.
(SNIFFLES) Listen, what I'm about to tell you might shock you.
But I don't think I got the job as dispatch supervisor because of my ability as a dispatch supervisor.
- What do you mean? - It's because of my looks.
You think you're better looking than me? - No! No, that's not what I said.
- Yes, you do.
No.
I'm just fresh, you know? They've seen you every day for, like, the past seven years.
I'm fresh meat.
I'm straight from the butcher.
People at Kosciuszko don't think like that.
They take the job of supervisor very seriously.
Yeah, well, maybe they do, OK? But I'm privy to a lot of chat you might not hear.
Like what? OK, what I've heard is that Kosciuszko might be being taken over by Facebook.
By Facebook? - Uh-huh, that's what I heard.
- Why would Facebook want Kosciuszko? Oh, was it Facebook or was it Amazon? Anyway, either way, Kosciuszko as a company will not exist for much longer.
Wow.
I always saw Kosci as this, like, big dependable teddy bear.
You know, one that you might grow out of, but it would always be at your mum's place if you needed it.
You know, I thought that I would leave - I'd be the one to break Kosci's heart, not the other way around.
Because, you know, you just don't expect Seriously? Again, editing is a real thing you need to work on with these stories.
If we get bought out by Amazon, I'll just get into professional cuddling.
You mean like those guys who wear the "free hug" signs in the mall? No, no, no, that's amateur stuff.
I mean cuddle therapy.
It's clothes on, no funny business, and $250 a pop.
Maybe I could be your driver.
Like, your security detail in case anything dodgy goes down.
- Like my pimp? - Yeah! I could be your cuddle pimp.
Oh, thank you.
But just by looking at you, I wouldn't say you're a fighter.
But I would say you're a bleeder.
Oh, you just made a big mistake.
(BOTH MIMIC MARTIAL ARTS MOVIE SOUND EFFECTS) - OH! - Oh, my God! I thought you would block that.
How did you not block that? Oh, yeah, I can see how this is my fault.
- Oh.
- Have you got - Yeah.
- Oh, my God, I think I'm bleeding.
- Oh, my God, I'm bleeding.
- Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
You're lucky I'm such a good coagulator.
You know what? You're a coagulator, not a fighter.
(BOTH LAUGH) I'm a clotter.
I am Harry Clotter.
Oh, yuck.
Careful of hepatitis.
Oh! Oh, well, it looks like I'll just have to stick to my vocation.
Luckily the world will always need delivery drivers.
Saturday night - are you up for something super-fun? Yeah.
Yeah, fun's my middle name.
In fact, it's not.
It's Rowan.
But Rowan is Welsh for fun.
- It's not Welsh for fun.
- There's an event on in town.
But it's formal.
You need a suit.
Do you have a suit? - Of course I have a suit.
- So you're in? - Yeah.
Hell yeah, I'm in.
- Yes.
Fantastic! I will let her know.
- What? Who? - My mate Carly.
She needs a date to this swish event and she asked me who the funnest guy I knew was, and I said you.
- Great.
But I - Oh, she deserves a break.
She's been stood up by so many shallow dickheads.
They all get freaked out when they find out she's in a wheelchair.
- Wheelchair? - Mm.
- Right.
- Oh, I know what you're thinking.
And don't worry, they've got ramps everywhere.
It's for the Paralympics.
- Paralympics.
- Yeah.
She plays wheelchair rugby.
It's brutal.
She's got, like, shoulders like the Rock.
So can I tell her yes? RADIO: Quick update - traffic lights are down on the corner of Blaxland Road and Devlin Street at Ryde.
Police are attending the situation now.
Any better? I think the ice is actually making it redder.
Shit.
I've got three hours to be date-ready and I look like Luna Park.
Here's a tip - never be intimidated by beauticians with accents in little white coats.
Yeah, I don't intend to conform to society's beauty standards, so Anyway, I lie down, thinking I'm getting a Brazilian, and she goes, "OK, starting with the upper lip, are we, Miss Movember?" I said, "Actually, it's Ms Movember.
" It was too late, she was already at me.
What's Gary going to think?! Oh, Gary's going to think you got your moustache waxed.
It's a perfectly normal thing to do.
Stop freaking out like you haven't left the house since the '90s.
I haven't left the house since the '90s.
Because of you.
It's your fault! Oh, dudes don't care about body hair anymore, Mum.
Look at Vijay.
He's a feminist.
He loves my hairy legs.
Oh, sure he does.
- Vijay, take those off.
- What's up, babe? You love my hairy legs, don't you? Aren't you just building up for a wax? Mum says the extra length really helps pull the whole hair follicle out.
Vijay, no! I'm making a statement about the beauty myth.
Maybe you should - What?! - It's science, babe.
Male arousal patterns are driven by visual cues.
Men have a deep primal urge to mate with women - What, who wax their legs? - Or get electrolysis.
Your body, your choice.
- Very feminist.
- Shut up.
At least he's kinda smart.
Doesn't he pronounce vegan, 'vague-an'? At least he's good-looking.
RADIO: All eastbound lanes have reopened on the M4 after a truck broke down on the Cumberland Highway off-ramp.
Happy days.
$300 fine, no conviction.
I mean, I know you don't like him, Barndog, but your Uncle Miles is a little master.
Yeah, I know you don't like him.
Don't don't say that, he's just done good for us.
(RINGTONE PLAYS) Shh.
It's him, it's him.
Miles! Mate, that was amazing! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Well, you're welcome.
It's what I do.
Like, you were just amazing out there.
You were graceful like a swan.
Like, you had the tenacity of, like, a Rottweiler.
Like a Rottweiler going a swan! I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Oh, mate, it was thrilling to watch you out there.
I can see why, like, those lawyer TV shows are so popular right now.
You should be on one.
Yeah, I've heard that before, actually.
This feels good, doesn't it? It feels good! We did it.
Time to pop the champagne.
- Aw, pop! - (LAUGHS) - Yeah.
- Enjoy the victory, mate.
Um oh, and PS, the plaintiff's gonna sue.
Yeah.
What? PS, the plaintiff's gonna sue.
You see, that was the criminal case you got off today - which is great news, as we discussed - but the, uh, plaintiff's gonna sue now in a civil case.
But what do you mean "PS"? - Postscript.
- I know what PS means! Oh, and I should add that pedestrians only need to be 50% in the right in order to collect damages.
- So, am I going to lose? - Honestly, probably.
- Are you still representing me? - Honestly probably not.
But, uh I'll give you a number for another $10,000-a-day silk, almost as good as me.
$10,000 a day?! Like, if I lose, I'll owe 200K.
Well, that's only if you lose.
You told me to pop open the champagne.
Why would you tell me to pop open the champagne?! To celebrate the victory today.
This is not a celebration.
Lukas, please remember I represented you for free and you won! A simple thankyou would be nice.
I said thank you, like, nine times at the beginning of the call.
Goddammit! I have to, like, get legal aid.
No, no, no, you're nowhere near poor enough for that.
Oh, I'm stuffed, then, if Look, I'm going to lose my house.
I'm going to end up living in Mum's garage.
Mum doesn't even have a garage, Lukas.
She street-parks.
Yeah, I know she street-parks! Why would you sleep in her garage anyway? She has two spare rooms.
'Cause it's the vibe of the down-and-out.
I'd be in a garage, just laying my head on, like, an oily rug.
OK, I-I don't have time for your garage metaphors, Lukas.
Not after I've worked all day for free.
Now, do you want the recommendation for the other silk or not? - Yes.
- Sorry? - Yes.
- OK.
I'll forward you the deets.
Congrats again on today! - Thank you, Miles.
- You're welcome.
(HANGS UP) Don't you look at me like that.
Don't you dare.
NED: So, it went well in court, then? Yeah, he got a $300 fine, no conviction.
But my lawyer reckons I can sue him for 150 grand, even though I'm 50% at fault.
- Wow.
150K would be alright.
- Mm.
- Did you have a celebratory wank? - No, I did not, Ned.
You remember Tara, right? The one who liaises between the workshop and the central office? - Oh, yeah, she's nice.
I like her.
- Yeah, she is nice.
I like her too.
We had a little midafternoon interlude up against some packaging in the eastern warehouse.
Note to self - sex standing up is not as easy as they make it look in the movies.
Yeah, well, she's considerably taller than you.
Yeah, well, I was standing on an OH&S manual and I still managed to strain a calf.
Hang on, isn't she engaged to Dave from inventory? She is.
And Dave's one of your mates, isn't he? He is.
But apparently he doesn't treat her like a sexual being, whereas I was more than happy to.
- Does she know you're married? - No, I told her Jess and I broke up.
- And HAVE you broken up? - No.
But we will have about 10 minutes after you drop me off.
- Oh - What are you gonna say, mate? I'm just gonna tell her I want an open marriage.
So, you're not breaking up with her? Well, that's the genius of saying you want an open marriage.
She'll say, "We're either fully committed "or we go our separate ways.
" And I'll say, "Babe, I've gotta be me.
" That way, she breaks it off.
I empower her.
It's called 'fenimism', Ned.
Mate, just sounds like you're empowering your inner coward.
Not many people have got the courage to talk to me like that, Ned.
It takes a lot of ball.
OK, very funny.
No need to get testy.
Alright.
You can stop it there, alright? - Or we can nut this out, if you like.
- Just leave it there, Macca.
You've only got one ball.
I think Beyonce was so much hotter when she was pregnant with the twins.
- You reckon? - Oh, my gosh, yes.
It's a shame she couldn't just stick 'em back up there.