Stag (2016) s01e02 Episode Script

1 'It's Ian.
'Your future brother-in-law.
' I'm here for the stag.
'For 2K all-in, we're guaranteed a weekend's worth of pure man shit, 'my friends.
' River says no.
There'll be no hunting this weekend.
- Now, hang on, matey.
- What are we paying you for? THUNDER RUMBLES ALL: To the kill! The kill.
THUD, SQUELCH Aitken? Argh! Shit! Whoever finds him shouts to the other one, we meet back here.
Aah! Wendy.
Oh, God.
If only Christoph was here, he'd know what to do.
He's not here, is he? COSMO: 'I'm as broke as it comes.
The others, ' they talked me into sinking all my cash into some stupid offshore scheme in Guernsey.
Come on, Neils! Run! GUN COCKS Oh I'm going to enjoy this.
WIND WHISTLES MUSIC: Nothing Ever Happens by Del Amitri What the bloody hell's that? And by five o'clock Everything's dead Hey! What the bloody hell are you playing at? Get off the track - you want to get yourself killed? Sleep in their beds Like the doped white mice in the college lab THUNDER CRASHES CLOCK CHIMES I'm going to ask you one question.
And you're going to give me a straight answer.
What have you done with Katie? Who? My bitch.
My dog! I don't know, I mean, we couldn't care less about your dog.
I mean, I We like her, but we don't know where she is, currently.
Do we, guys? No.
I'm going to ask you one more time.
- What have you done with my dog? - OK, now, listen matey.
Killing any more of us, I mean, it's not going to prove anything, is it? I think you've made your point.
Oh, we all know what's going on here, don't we? I mean, these guys work in banks.
I mean, they earn more in an hour than you do in an entire year.
But they pay less tax! And you resent them for it.
And they get that.
We know where you're coming from.
But enough now.
Seriously.
Having said that if there genuinely is no changing your mind, could I just point out that I, myself KETTLE WHISTLES AS IT BOILS do not work in the City.
Um, I'm a television executive.
One of the good guys.
A grafter.
Fill it.
Right, here's what's going to happen next.
I'm going to take my Land Rover and I'm going to find my dog.
Then I'm going to come back here and take care of you.
The cap's a bit loose, be careful.
DOOR SHUTS Right, fuck this for a game of conkers, I'm off.
He just told us not to go anywhere.
Exactly.
And trust me, the second that tartan psycho finds his pooch, he'll be back to butcher us all.
If he was going to kill us, he would have done it just then.
The man has Aitken hanging up in his kitchen.
I mean, think about it - who else has Ledge pissed off since we've been here? I mean, who else owns a harpoon? Let the twat go, that's what I say.
"I'm just a TV exec.
Kill them, not me.
" Last chance.
Fine.
Your funerals.
DOOR SHUTS Wait, Cosmo! You can't just leave.
Not like this.
If you're right and he's the killer, then we're dead.
If you're wrong, you are.
You've known these guys for years.
You can't just not say goodbye.
Your cummerbund's upside down.
You might want to get inside.
Yeah.
There.
OWL HOOTS GROANING IN DISTANCE STONES CLATTER DOWN HOLE FAINT SPLASH AND HISS Oh, what the hell.
Shit! Oof! Urgh! I'm not sure we should, to be honest.
That looks like an expensive bottle.
We don't want to piss him off.
I think that ship might have sailed.
To Aitken.
To Wendy.
To Neils.
To Cosmo.
Well, it's pretty likely.
Ahh Yes? Nothing, it's just I just noticed that you didn't put your little finger up.
- I'm sorry? - Your pinkie.
- It wasn't perky.
- He's right, you know.
So, that's a forfeit.
ANGUS GIGGLES Trousers down drink what's left! What, all of it? - "Finish", it says here.
- If it flows, it goes.
Fine.
THEY LAUGH Rrr! HEAVY KNOCKING AT DOOR Maybe Fatty lost his nerve.
(Maybe Grumpy found his dog.
) Maybe it's the Fear Mor? HANDLE RATTLES, DOOR BANGS Positions! This is my space! Go! LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS CLICKS AGAIN FLOORBOARD CREAKS - Huh! - Ah! - Mex! - Aaiii! Aargh! G'day, boys! Argh! Christ! Ian! Christoph, are you OK? Christoph? What the actual fuck? It's a fork.
HE STRAINS HE PANTS Hnnn! Still got it.
Ahh! Yeah, still got it.
'I'm so sorry about your arm.
' How did you know we were here? That is a very good question, Mex.
That is very pertinent indeed.
I sent you the e-mails.
- Hm, did you? - Yes.
- Did you? - Yes.
Did you? I thought I did.
But did you? Or did you just try and cut me out, like you normally do, by sending them to my Hotmail account? The one you know I haven't looked at since 2002.
You don't look at your Hotmail account? Well, you know, whatever.
It's fantastic you found us, buddy.
How did you find us, by the way? It wasn't easy.
I had to get a cab all the way from Glasgow, didn't I? The cab driver was in a foul mood the whole way, because A, he's Scottish and B, he'd only just got back from dropping off some ponce in a dinner jacket.
I'm so sorry about your arm.
Yeah, you said.
Taxi! Taxi! Wait, please, driver.
Yep.
DOOR OPENS Whoo! Fulham Palace Road, please, mate.
You, er might want to reset that.
I've only just got in.
Friend.
Hey.
Hey! HORN HONKS Oh, God.
HORN BLARES HORN BLARES HORN STOPS Eurgh! Oh, God.
Fuck! ENGINE STARTS - MUSIC BLARES - Ahh! Nothing happens at all The needle returns to the start of the song And we all sing along right before WHEELS SPIN Oh, come on! Really? Really? Closed-circuit cameras in department stores Shoot the same movie every day And the stars of these films neither die Argh! Ah, ah, aargh! Ahh! Ahh! THUD, CAR STALLS IGNITION FAILS ENGINE SPUTTERS AND DIES HE PANTS So tell me a bit more about this bloke.
This gamekeeper.
- Saying he's got a harpoon? - And a shotgun.
- And a crossbow.
And we've got to assume he's got a rifle.
The man's a huntsman.
So he'll have binos, he'll be carrying a blade, that's an absolute given.
He's got a Land Rover.
He's in a ute.
And he's got beef.
Significant beef with you lot.
He's bound to.
So the killer is armed, dangerous and he's specifically told you he's coming back here to take care of you.
Do you want to fill me in, if it's not too much trouble, on the thought process behind actually waiting for him to get back here? SAT NAV: Continue for 16.
4 miles and bear right onto the Yeah, all right, mate.
Keep it down.
TWIG SNAPS Turn around where possible.
Turn around where possible.
Turn around where possible.
HE YELPS Oof! SOFT BARK AND GENTLE WHIMPER SOFT WHIMPER 'OK, we plunder this joint for anything useful.
' I'm talking about waterproof clothing, fresh socks, food, fluids.
I cannot overemphasise the need to have dry feet and hydration in terrain such as this.
Why are you talking like you're in charge all of a sudden? I'm best man here, mate.
I didn't want to have to be the one to say this, Ledge, but you left me no choice.
You've led our friends into harm's way.
No-one's going to think any less of you if you just do the decent thing and step aside.
It's what everyone's thinking.
If you've got cage fighting gloves, now would be a good time to put 'em on.
We leave here at sunrise.
That's in less than an hour.
Dick.
DOG WHIMPERS Hands in the air.
I can't.
Now.
I can't.
DOG WHIMPERS Brave girl.
- Oh - Uh-duh-duh-duh! First-come, first-served.
Go on.
Hey! What's that in there? Ordnance Survey.
1:25,000 scale, it's like the Bible.
Geography teacher.
There.
That's a phone box.
That's a public ruddy phone box.
Boys it's time.
GAS HISSES Come on, boys.
Let's do it.
The secret to covering territory is a steady rhythm.
Your boot heels should be striking the ground twice a second, every second.
Win the land.
Did he just say, "Win the land"? I feel so much safer now Christoph's in charge.
LEDGE: I don't know what the hell this shirt thinks it's made of.
Bastard's at least 60% evil.
All right, boys, we're four miles shy of the phone box.
Not too shabby.
Have we got some shrapnel for when we get there? 999 is free you Neanderthal.
What if they don't pick up? Eh? What then, best man? What if who doesn't pick up? It's not one guy sitting there, on his own.
999 isn't his extension.
Is that your angry face? Are you angry at me? Or angry at yourself because you can't think of a comeback? Whoa, guys, stop! We stick together, right? We get to the phone box together and then no-one has to talk to anyone else ever again.
Animal.
INDISTINCT CHATTER Her wee bottle's in my jacket there.
She can wee in a bottle? Oh.
Mm-hm.
Um Listen I just wanted to say I am so sorry that I thought you were responsible for all this.
Whoever that's doing it certainly wants it to look that way.
No, we should have listened to you from the get-go.
Stayed on the other side of the bloody river.
Well, if you'd have done that, you'd never have found her.
What do you think hurt her? The Fear Mor.
HE LAUGHS No, I'm only kidding! Oh! She probably caught herself in one of my snares.
These woods they're full of traps.
Yeah.
Tell me about it.
How much further? Going to cross that gully, over that scrub and down into those woods All-in, we're looking at about four miles.
Four miles? You said that about five miles ago.
What, you got a fucking trundle wheel? Why do we have to do all that? Why do we have to go through the woods at all? Cross that ridge and we'll be about a mile away, we can be there in half an hour.
Would you boys allow me to point out a very simple fucking fact? Is that OK? If we head up over that ridge, we're betraying our position.
We're advertising our whereabouts.
And if that's what you want, if you want a fucking harpoon in the face, then by all means, go for your life.
But if you prefer your faces unharpooned then you stay with me.
You stick with old Chris.
I said I'd get you out of here and I will.
It's a question of trust.
PHONE BEEPS AND VIBRATES PHONE BEEPS AND VIBRATES Jamie and Tamara have had their baby.
8lbs 4oz.
Not a bad weight.
You've got a fucking phone? Come off it, it had no signal.
Besides, I can't be the only one.
Where are your phones? We put them all in a carrier bag and then lost them.
Well, that was stupid.
What did you do that for? One bar.
If that.
That's because we're standing in an effing ditch.
I'm sick of walking and my nipples are stinging like shit.
I'm taking this phone up that hill.
It's the quickest way home and I suggest you all join me.
They're not going anywhere, mate.
Really? Shall we ask them, shall we? Mex, buddy, let's do this.
Ian mate I know we've had our banter, you overheard me saying you look like Sandi Toksvig.
Uh, I didn't hear you say that.
Oh.
Let's just put it behind us.
Because this makes sense.
Whatever happens, I'm sticking with Angus, so What, Johnners? Johnny boy? John Travolta? - Ledge - John the Baptist.
before you get into all the nicknames Jon Bon Jovi? this group of mates has always stuck together.
Whatever's happened, you know, wherever we've gone.
If we lose that, then we lose everything.
I love you, buddy, but we're nearly there, you know, we've got to stay as a group on this one.
OK? Guys, come on.
Oh, bugger! Can't say I'll be sad to see him go.
THUNDER RUMBLES DOG BARKS DOG WHIMPERS Good girl, good girl.
Where'd you learn to do that? Great Dane taught me.
She'd have died.
I'd have drowned myself in the loch.
No question.
Anyway you want to come inside for a wee dram? I've got a single malt that's been waiting 25 years for an occasion such as this.
Um - I should really get going.
- Oh.
God knows how.
Och here.
Angus Angus, I'm not sure about this.
Bad things happen when we go into the woods.
Ian, relax, we're in safe hands.
I don't think we are in safe hands.
I think we might be in dangerous hands.
Ian what are you saying? OK, look whatever was happening yesterday hasn't been happening since Christoph showed up.
Where has he been for the past day? How did he really find us like that? Why didn't he check his phone for signal at the hut or while we were walking? Or ask us about our phones before we found his? And why the hell has he got a knife? He's got a knife? Yeah.
In his underpants.
Look, I know he's your friend and everything, but you've got to admit, he's a bit creepy.
He's not creepy, he's just Christoph.
Christoph? Chris Christoph? I'm going back for the others.
And you're coming with me.
In case we get hungry.
Where'd you get that? Not from a fucking deli.
'How did you and Christoph meet, again?' Are you old school friends? No.
He came along later.
Met him on our gap year.
It was meant to just be the two of us, AJ and the Legend touring Oz.
Then we met Crocodile Dumb-dee in Bondi when we were trying to score some blow.
Haven't been able to shake the prick since.
He's like knotweed.
Been trying to cut him out of stuff for years, but he just keeps popping up.
No idea what Johnners sees in him.
He even tried to get him into the Guernsey scheme.
I said, there's no way that sofa-surfing pleb has 200K lying around.
Whoo! Anyway for some reason, the guy just does not like me.
'Well, she's got half a tank of diesel in her.
' Just keep heading west, you'll hit the road for Pitlochry.
Come with me.
No.
I built that bothy with my father.
Married Jill here.
Nursed her through her final few days.
No, I'm not leaving, not a chance.
You don't turn your back on the important things.
What if the killer comes back? He'd better hope I'm not in.
Hey, um We were meant to have one each, but Well, it's not going to happen, so HE STRIKES MATCH BIRDS TAKE OFF, CAWING What the hell did that sound mean? It means let's keep moving.
Who's the gamekeeper now? HE LAUGHS What the hell? Mex! BARKING It's OK.
It's OK, come here.
Come on.
Oh 'What did you do?' The man had an ashtray in the middle of his kitchen table.
When you boys told me he was running around killing everyone, I left the gas on.
You know what they say - smoking kills! - Jesus, Christoph.
- You murdered him.
He's the murderer, mate.
I'm just the judge and executioner.
And you boys, well - you're the jury.
- We weren't unanimous! Some of us think some of us think the killer might still be around.
The forest ends just there.
300 yards beyond that line that's the phone box.
That's your call home.
You boys could be back at work first thing Monday morning.
Foreign investors' lunch at Mirabelle.
- Mm-hm.
- Testing Year 9s on the mountains and rivers.
All we've got to do now is sit tight and wait for nightfall.
- What? - Eh? Set up camp.
Lie low.
Refuel.
Shall we do that after the phone call? The phone box is in open ground.
It's a sniper's wet dream.
In fact, you'd be hard-pressed to find a better spot for an ambush.
If you're saying that the killer might still be at large and that you made a dreadful mistake by pointing your finger at the poor gamekeeper then we've got no choice but to wait for darkness.
Darkness is our only friend.
You dig a hole for a fire.
And you collect wood.
What will you be doing? I'm going to peel me a fox.
I can't believe we climbed up here.
It's pretty steep.
We won't be going down.
This is the end for me.
I'm going to die alone.
We're all in the same boat, Ledge.
No, we're bloody not.
Everyone else has a reason to run.
Johnners has that Fran chick on the go.
Cosmo's busy ballsing up something he actually wants to do with his life.
Christoph's on permanent half-term.
As for the others at least they left a legacy.
I mean, even Wendy OK, so he had zero property to his name, but at least he had a family.
The point is you and me, mate we're single we've wasted our best years in the City.
Whether we're together or not we're dying solo.
May I? You've achieved stuff.
Senior risk analyst for Europe at 29? You've always had the latest Audi TT.
And what about that Emma girl, what's happening there? She's pregnant.
Well, that's good isn't it? If you love her.
It's not mine.
Oh, she did a test? She didn't need to.
She should have a test.
Put it this way, buddy I'm not exactly going to be having kids of my own.
Well, buddy for a somewhat different reason, I probably won't, either.
You're? Ledge I want you to stop calling me the Mexican.
From now on, I'd like you to address me as Hitesh.
You can't just make up your own nickname, mate.
That's not how it works.
Do you want me to dig you a grave, too? Or shall we just spoon? (Look, here's what I don't get.
(If you were so worried about (then why didn't you go with Ledge?) Because I made a promise.
To my sister.
I said that I'd stay with you.
Take care of you, have your back.
OK While we're making promises, how about this? Next time his guard's down, I'll get his knife, you cover me with that Not bad.
- You'll need some paper, start the fire - Yeah.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Now, steady on.
That's illegal.
Burn it.
That stuff's worth nothing out here.
This land this situation it's one great leveller.
It's every fucker for himself.
Oh, save a note each, to snort through.
You boys are playing catch-up! Might want to get some camo on.
What did you give him? I don't know.
Guy at Glasgow station just called it a pick 'n' mix.
He's better off asleep anyway.
They all are.
These people are worthless, Ian.
They call themselves friends, take you for a pint at the King's Road, promise to cut you in on their deals their investments.
"Oh, yeah, we'll sort you out, mate, yeah.
"Chat to Wendy, he'll run the numbers.
" It's the old school network, mate.
It's who you know.
Turns out the people I know people I took to be my mates, are nothing but disrespectful, disloyal, self-serving, materialistic cocks.
If that's how you feel then why come? To end it.
To bow out in style.
One last weekend of carnage.
'Maybe I could move here and raise goats.
' - Oh, God.
- No, I'm serious.
Like my grandad did in the mountains of Gujarat.
- Herding's in the blood.
- Mex! What do we do? Wave or hide? I mean, that's the gamekeeper, right? Look, there's a tree near the bottom.
We run, we keep running, we go either side of that tree, we break each other's fall.
- You understand? - Yes, mate.
- And you're up for it? - No, mate.
Don't let me stop you.
No, I can't! It doesn't work unless we both do it.
That's how we get out of this! OK? Three two one BOTH YELL 'It's your turn.
' No.
It's I'm fine.
Thank you, though.
It's your turn.
- I don't mean to sound ungrateful - Then take one.
No.
- Take one.
- Don't want to.
It's a stag do.
Take a pill, then we're going to do some Charlie, then we're going to eat that fox.
There you go, mate.
There you are.
- There you are.
- Ahh! There you go.
Eh? Feels better? What will happen now? - I don't know.
It's a pick 'n' mix! - HE LAUGHS BOTH GROAN Hold on.
HE STRAINS Aagh! Where are the others? LEDGE YELPS Cosmo! You selfish shit.
It's great to see you.
The rest? They went with Christoph.
Christoph's here? He showed up in a taxi.
HORN BLARES It's not cooked.
Sly bastard's still pink.
SNORTS COUGHS Come on, Angus.
Wakey-wakey! You're missing the adventure.
We're still out in the woods, just killing shit for a laugh! GROANS I mean, that's what you're into, isn't it? Eh? Putting innocent creatures through unnecessary pain? "Oh, yeah, Christoph's all right, yeah.
"No, Christoph's good for a crack, we'll hang out with him for sure.
"But when he actually comes all the way to London, "we'll just drop him like a sack of shit.
" - Urgh! Just chill out, Christoph, deep breaths, don't let him mess with your melon - IAN YELLS - Hey! Hey! Get off me, you little penguin man! Oh, yeah? - YELLS - Come on, then.
I'll give you one thing At least you didn't try and stab me in the back like the rest of those bastards.
No, Angus! Johnners, stop! Stop! Don't kill him! Don't kill him.
What are we going to do with him? You've made a disgusting mistake.
I've done nothing to either of you.
I barely even know you.
And, Johnners, mate, you're making a fool of yourself.
For Christ's sake, a fool! Yeah, OK, I'm sorry.
I get a bit intense on the pingers, I know that! You proved your point.
Hey, boys Ha-ha, very funny, yeah, "It's a stag do, let's bury the Aussie.
" One of us should stay here.
Keep lookout.
Good idea.
I'll go.
Are you sure? I said I'd look after you, didn't I? Besides, you know nothing's happened all day, Christoph's in the ground gamekeeper's out of the picture.
VEHICLE APPROACHES Can't we drive any closer? I'm not sure we should.
We don't even know if it works.
Might be safer if one of us goes on foot.
Good idea.
Off you go.
- Why me? - Are you scared? No.
I just want to know why I have to be the one to go.
Well you're closer.
PAYPHONE RINGS PHONE CONTINUES RINGING - Now you definitely have to go.
- What? I mean Look, I don't mind - Great.
- I'm not even the best runner.
Mex, mate, stop banging on, you're going to miss it.
Go on.
He needs to go back.
- He's almost there, mate.
- We have to make him go back.
Look, pylons.
So? They're not there.
- Not where? - Here, on the map! They should be marked.
The only thing on here is the phone box.
It's as if as if it's the only place we're supposed to go.
Cosmo! Cosmo, go back! Cosmo! Cosmo, go back! They're still alive! Yeah, but where's Christoph? PHONE RINGS Hello? LINE GOES DEAD Why did he put money in? 999 is free, what part of that don't you people understand? RINGING TONE IAN: He's doing it.
He's calling.
'Good afternoon, Duncan Galloway's office.
' Hello, Georgie? It's Cosmo.
'My God, he's been trying to reach you since Thursday.
'Let me put you through.
' No! No, no, no.
I HOLD MUSIC PLAYS 'Cosmo, you clown, where you been? - 'I've been e-mailing, I've been calling' - Duncan 'Listen, ITV2 want to commission a series!' Duncan, I don't care.
- I need you to do something - 'Don't care? It's insane news! 'How To Look Good Homeless.
'Caroline Flack's already on board' - Duncan! - '.
.
really excited, mate.
' Just shut up and write this down.
Simon Aitken, Paul Wendy and Neils Gjundarsson - have all been murdered - 'Is this on Netflix?' but Angus Johnson, Harry Ledgewood-Scott, Hitesh Palashranjan and some guy called Ian are all still very much alive.
'What the hell was that? 'This line is terrible, mate.
'What was the last name, Ian who? 'Cosmo! Ian who?' I didn't catch his surname.
I think he might be repped by that dwarf agency! 'Oh, yeah, I know the one.
' Could you call 999? 'OK But where are you?' We're in Scotland.
Not far from some green trees.
'Cosmo?' GUNSHO PHONE LINE BEEPS DOG BARKS RAPID BEEPING GUNSHO Oh, God! There! Over there! OK, slow down, slow down, slow down! Here they come.
PANICKED SHOUTS Run! THEY YELL Go! ENGINE STARTS Where's Christoph? He's in the trees, shooting at us, where do you think he is? Er, no, he-he isn't.
He might be! - He's not.
- Guys where is Christoph? Hitesh, turn the car around.
Hitesh, turn it around! - Mexico! - What? Ugh! - Listen - Ow! Cosmo came back for us.
We owe it to Cosmo to go back for Christoph.
- Yes? - Yes.
- Yes.
- What's that? - What? - Keep going, Mexico, mate.
- Mexico, yeah.
Put your foot down.
THEY YELL Who the fuck is that? I don't know.
I don't know.
Not too fast.
- Not too bloody slow, either.
- We don't want to hit him.
Hey! Hey, over here! - Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! - THEY YELL Whoa, what the fuck?! THEY GROAN Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Guys, what are you doing? What are you? Guys, there's no time! What are you? Guys, stop! Stop! QUAD BIKE APPROACHES Johnners, mate.
You take this as my formal RSVP to your wedding.
Christoph, don't do this, mate.
I never actually got the invite.
Perhaps you sent it to my Hotmail Perhaps you didn't, but either way, I'll not be attending.
I hope you have a beautiful day.
Christoph, we're not leaving you, OK? - Not again.
- I've seen the world, boys.
I've done it all, I'm through.
You've all got your jobs and your mortgages and your cars to worry about.
I'm an expendable.
I'm a pawn.
And you're fucking kings.
It's checkmate for old Chris.
But you boys can play on.
I said I'd get you out of here and I will.
Go.
Go.
Go.
Ian! - Ian, what the hell?! - What are you doing? Topping up your camouflage.
Yeah, I'd rather you didn't, mate.
I'm pretty sure that's deer shit.
- SNIFFS - Ian, come on! Go! Go! Hide, mate.
Hide.
Go.
ENGINE TURNS OFF Well, come on, then.
Let's do this.
Oh! Ah, you're dreaming! What are you doing here? I haven't seen you since When was it, Chiggy's wedding? GUN COCKS Right.
ENGINE STARTS HE CLICKS HIS TONGUE That's confiscated.