Standing Up (2022) s01e02 Episode Script
A Successful Touch
1
A NETFLIX SERIES
[upbeat music playing.]
- Can I have some more eggplant, please? - Of course.
Thank you very much.
Which sauce? Nezir, which sauce? Spicy.
A double dose, please.
So really spicy.
Bling, please listen to me.
When we're working as a team, there are rules, Bling, you follow? Yes, there are rules you have to respect.
First, consistency.
Secondly, bro, we set the schedule together.
- You can't tell me at the last minute.
- [Bling.]
Okay.
Not tomorrow.
Just come over now.
Now? Goddamn it, I just told you to - Hello? - Actually, that will not be possible.
Are you kidding me? Did you say yes without thinking, or do you want to work together? Absolutely, but not tonight.
Because, like I told you, I'm opening for my friend, Aïssatou, at the theater.
Ahh, of course.
I'm so stupid.
[Nezir.]
There.
Absolutely.
Tomorrow at 11:00, my place, then.
That would be perfect.
Thank you so much, sir.
- Have a great evening.
- You're acting weird today.
[Aïssatou.]
Mmm, what is this new job anyway? They sound like a pain, no? Mmm, it's a food-service job again.
It's not that interesting, but who cares.
As long as I can keep performing.
- Oh! Now there's my Nez, hmm? - Mmm.
You don't choose comfort and stability.
You always stay honest and genuine.
I admire that in you, you know that? What's going on here? - I'm performing here later.
- This is the line for your show, Aïssa.
[upbeat pop song playing.]
[Aïssatou.]
No way! This is for you.
Excuse me.
Good evening.
- Good evening.
- Hello.
- Are you here for my show? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
[laughs.]
- Are you sure? - [woman.]
Yeah! Well, because my show is an hour long, I mean.
[woman.]
Yeah, we know.
[music continues.]
[cheers and applause.]
[laughs.]
Thank you! Thank you very much! And please, guys, give it up to Nezir for our opening act.
He's my very good friend.
- [audience applauding.]
- Thank you, on his behalf.
And, most of all, thank you for all coming.
Last week, I performed in front of 15 people.
We were nearly canceled and this is It's It's magical.
So, I'm not religious at all, I don't know who to thank, so, uh So I guess thank the anus.
- There.
- [laughter and cheers.]
You really said, "Thank the anus"? [laughing.]
Stop.
Stop.
I don't know what came over me.
- They were really into it, huh? - Yeah.
Ohh! [giggles.]
You're squeezing me really tight again, Aïssa.
Yes, but you're getting squeezed by a girl.
You can't complain, huh? Let's get a drink.
Come on.
No.
I'm playing at the Drôle tonight.
At 10:00.
[Aïssatou.]
Ah [sucks teeth.]
Okay.
[man.]
You know all of this is because of my parents.
They're the only reference I have for relationships.
Twenty-five, almost 30 years together, and they never kiss.
Not one sign of affection.
They look like they kinda like each other, you know, nothing crazy.
They look like office colleagues.
to whom their boss said one day, "You two, I want a family on my desk by Monday.
" And they said, "Oh, okay.
" It's really weird.
Whenever I visit, I ring the doorbell they open, standing all straight, and say to me, "Hello, son.
" Kind of like the Sims.
It's terrifying.
I sit down, they look at me, kind of hold hands, like this, and I wonder, "How did you conceive me?" I really want to know.
Maybe even see it, I don't know.
Honestly, I think they rented a conference room, they put on suits to conceive me, and they shook hands with a smile.
I think my dad rubbed one out, like this, he held it out for her, she cupped her hands and collected it.
[laughs.]
Too shocking? Okay, I had to test that joke.
That's all from me.
Have a good night.
Whoo! [emcee.]
Panayotis Pascot, ladies and gentlemen! Thank you.
Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm sorry.
Were you working? I'm disturbing you? You're on soon.
Should I leave you alone or is this okay? - That's a lot of questions.
- [laughs.]
Yes.
I have lots of them.
Actually, I'd like to know how you started out.
I mean, which stand-up do you admire? How do you write your jokes? What makes a joke? - Do you write them in your head - Excuse me.
 Are you a journalist? No, I'm not a journalist.
I'm an art history student.
Okay, because I notice you come here a lot and I see you taking notes, and you can't do that.
- Oh, sorry.
I didn't know.
- We don't like joke thieves around here.
- Okay? - Yes.
[Wanda.]
Hmm? See you, Nezir.
Look, I'm not a joke thief at all, I swear.
I'm just interested in how you guys write your jokes.
- And your topics and - So you're a spy, then? Not at all! It's just that I'm just interested.
- Seriously, you believe me? - I do.
I believe you.
I wish I could stay and watch you, but I have dinner plans.
- I have to get going.
- No problem.
I'm going to tell all the jokes I wrote down tonight to make them think I'm funny.
[laughs.]
Okay.
- [opera music playing.]
- [sighs.]
[door slams.]
[sighs.]
[Apolline.]
I'm home! Don't you think this bouquet is a little much? Uh Yes.
I don't know.
Oh! Sweet truffle thingies.
It's like they're too insistent.
- Aggressive.
- Mmm, so good.
Right, Pierre-Emmanuel? Petra, I bought you those flowers.
Why are you asking? Do whatever you want.
You're not helping.
[Pierre-Emmanuel.]
Seriously, do whatever you want.
Throw them out if you want.
- Eat them if you want.
I don't care.
- Did you finish late? I was at Daphné's.
Um, we were working.
We were studying for our exams together.
It's more fun.
[Petra.]
Oh, and Nathaniel Walsh comes to dinner tomorrow.
You can talk about your internship at Christie's in London.
Jokes - You look lovely as ever.
- [chuckles.]
Thank you, Laurent.
If I'm coming to see you I make the effort.
Of course! [laughs.]
For five years working together you only gave me water.
Now, with a million views, bam! Chocolate croissant, freshly-squeezed OJ I always told you.
It takes a very long time to become famous overnight.
[laughs.]
Here is your media strategy for the next three weeks.
Thank you.
- [Laurent.]
Well? - Holy shit! [Laurent.]
Huh? Yeah? This is something.
Well, yes something.
This is our chance.
I'm not gonna think small.
In a year, you'll be filling all the stadiums.
- Oh my! [exhales.]
- [Laurent chuckles.]
Wait, I'm sorry.
Excuse me, Mélanie.
The Konbini interview is the day after tomorrow morning? Yeah, that's right.
But I can't make that.
It's my boyfriend's thesis defense.
- [Mélanie.]
Oh.
- Yeah.
And I'm sorry, guys, but after the prostate sketch, I don't have a choice.
I don't want a divorce.
- I'll see what I can do.
- Thank you so much.
I've saved the best for last.
You're getting a new venue.
- [Aïssatou.]
Huh? - The main room at the Palais des Glaces.
Is that a joke? Are you serious? - Uh-huh.
- [laughs.]
Oh shit! - Thursday to Sunday at 9:00 p.
m.
- This is insane.
It's the headliner slot.
- That's right! - Hang on - Isn't Bling supposed to play there? - Was supposed to.
After his bullshit, he's done for.
No, Laurent, help me out here.
I mean, you know things are already complicated between me and Bling.
I don't know.
Can't Can't we get a another venue? [laughs.]
Maybe? Hmm? What is wrong with all of you, huh? You really think I can pull venues out of my ass? - No, no, no.
- No? [Mélanie.]
Aïssa, Konbini interview tomorrow.
Does that work? I'm playing at the Drôle at 7:00 p.
m.
, but before that, yeah, that works.
[Mélanie.]
Great.
Awesome, let's do that.
- Thanks a lot, Mélanie.
- You're welcome.
I'm meeting with Bling later.
I'll talk to him.
- Oh no.
No, no, no! - Yes.
Yes, I will No.
Don't do that, Laurent.
No, you'll make it even worse.
Please.
I'll tell him.
[sighs.]
I will tell him.
Hey.
- What's up? - Hey.
- Well, what did Calif promise you? - Huh? - 1001 nights? - No, we just talked about PR, planning.
- Uh, that stuff.
- Right.
- You know what it's like.
Logistics - Yeah.
Konbini's interviewing me at the club on Thursday.
- Oh yeah? - Yeah.
- Hey, awesome.
- [laughs.]
I've done several Konbinis.
You'll see, it's cool.
- Mmm.
- [chuckles.]
Yeah, so I won't keep you.
- Have a good meeting.
- Yeah, thanks.
- Okay.
See you around.
- See you.
I'm seeing Laurent too.
Please, Laurent.
Please listen to me! You don't have a show, Bling, therefore you don't have a venue anymore.
- Can't you find me another one? - No.
No, seriously, come on.
I'm losing money with you.
- You're not profitable, Bling.
- I'm relaunching, I swear.
I've started working again.
I'm serious about it.
I'm starting to write material.
I'm telling you! You've been selling me the same story for a year.
You're serious? That's enough.
You've worn me out.
I've had it, for Christ's sakes.
Laurent, you can't drop me right now when I need you the most! What will I tell the others? My sister? The club? Laurent, we started out together.
I was at your wedding.
I was at your divorce, damn it! If you've given up on me, I'm really worth nothing.
- Come on.
- Jesus! Fine.
Let's try something.
You have two months to give me 20 minutes.
- Yeah, okay.
- You're gonna work.
Yeah, I'll work.
And then we'll reassess with Mélanie.
If it holds up, we'll combine it with stuff from your first show, and I'll find you a slot in a small city, okay? - Okay.
- And then we'll see about Paris, okay? - I've have to go.
- I'm grateful, Laurent.
[exhales.]
Hang on.
[Bling.]
Are you coming or what? I just spoke with Califano about my show.
It's happening.
We're back on, man! I can't believe that dude.
Damn it! WE SAID 11:00 YEAH WELL HURRY! He really thinks I'm a slave.
Oh! - Fucking shit! - [Ibrahim.]
It's nothing.
It's nothing.
[Nezir.]
Shit! Dad, leave it.
Fuck.
I'm sick of this.
I'm sick of this, Dad.
[Ibrahim.]
In life, there's always a solution.
You think you'll get far like that? [Nezir chuckles softly.]
[buzzer ringing.]
[Bling.]
Come on up.
- But hurry.
[laughing.]
- [exhales.]
There's coffee, help yourself.
I have to finish this thing.
It's really annoying.
But I have to, it's for my collection of sneakers.
I thought of a bunch of stuff last night.
- I worked so much.
- Okay, great.
That's good.
You tell me, and I'll write it down.
You're hilarious, always writing everything down.
I don't really like to write.
Really? I never would have guessed.
I prefer going onstage with my stuff in my mind and see how it comes out.
If it's pre-written it's not spontaneous, it throws me off.
That's why I love improvising with the audience.
You don't like improv, right? It stresses you out.
I have ten minutes onstage to try out my jokes.
I don't want to waste them asking people, "How's it going?" "What did you do today? What did you have for lunch?" - Uh, Bling, shall we start? - Totally.
- So what did you think of? - I took some notes.
Hang on.
[Nezir.]
What are your themes? What do you enjoy in life? [Bling.]
I love animal documentaries, I love clubbing, I love women.
Oh! Here were are.
Short porn actresses.
Funny, right? Have you ever noticed girls in porn are always petite? It's never girls who are too tall or athletic.
And you know why? Why, my dear Nezir? - Watch out.
- Why? I don't know.
Because, if they're small, it seems like the guys have enormous dicks, when they don't.
It's like an optical - Illusion.
- Exactly.
No.
An "op-dick-al".
It's funny.
Write it down.
Wait.
Give me a quick hand here.
Hurry! Hurry, hurry! - So you wanna talk about porn? - Yeah.
No? Sure.
Uh, do you watch a lot? What kind? - I mean, what's "a lot.
" - Every day? I don't know.
- [phone buzzing.]
- Oh, damn it.
Bling? One sec, I need to run downstairs.
Can you hold it? Brainstorm, okay? Is he serious? [Bling.]
I didn't even think they were out yet.
You'll love these, brother.
Now, take a look, bro.
I got them last night in a raffle.
220 bucks, man.
Man, these are stunning.
I didn't know they had these colors.
- These are more than stunning.
- Excuse me, guys.
You good? You have something to start from? Oh yeah, totally.
[people chattering.]
You should try it.
You think it's good he spends seven hours in class? Yes, of course.
No, after all, you can't always be on him suggesting games for him.
[woman.]
We think so too.
[teacher.]
Yes, that's right.
It's a win-win.
[whispering.]
Did you see how he looked at me? - Stop it.
- I'm sure he saw your video.
You're being paranoid.
A million views in one week? Of course I'm paranoid.
But that could be anyone in the video.
You stick your fingers up anyone else's butt? Your turn! So Mariama She's doing very well.
She's very sociable.
- She participates a lot.
- That's great.
She is still struggling with motor skills, but she may still be hesitating between both of her hands.
If she's left or right-handed.
So, uh, well, don't hesitate to stimulate her at home.
Suggest games that exercise her fingers, like this Uh, that's pretty much it.
Also, picking up small objects, uh [hesitates.]
sticking them into small holes.
You know, like Like beads.
Or anything else.
- [Aïssatou.]
Or anything else? - Yes.
- Hmm.
- [teacher.]
Great.
- That's great.
- Yeah, great.
There, this is my life now.
Exactly like Monica Lewinsky and Bill Clinton.
No matter what, people will always remember the cigar in the Oval Office.
It ruined her life.
Thanks, love, it's nice to be compared to a US president.
This is insane.
Don't you understand? I've become a laughingstock, Aïssa.
Can't you put yourself in my shoes? - You only think about yourself! - You think so? You sacrificed me to become a celebrity! Hey, I've been waiting for this for years, Vlad.
I put everything on hold for two years for the baby.
I supported you and I never complained.
You can't be happy for me and stop thinking about yourself? Excuse me.
Nobody gives a rat's ass about your freakin' asshole! Excuse me, ma'am.
Can we please take a selfie? - If you don't mind? Smile.
- Yes.
- Thank you! - Thanks.
Thanks so much.
And it's not a sketch about that at all.
It's about deconstructing heterosexual sexuality.
You should be proud of having contributed to it.
[soft music playing.]
- Hello.
- [Corinne.]
Hello.
I'm here for the beginners open-mic.
I'd like to perform.
Talk to my brother.
Etienne? Did you sign up? [Apolline.]
Uh, no.
- Have you ever done it? - No.
And you want to waltz in and go on tonight, just like that? You're funny already.
There's a two-month wait.
A two month wait? But I'll be in London in two months, so it's really inconvenient.
- Yeah, that definitely is.
- I know.
- What about the other newbies? - I don't want to steal anyone's spot, but see, I said I was a beginner.
Technically, I'm not really one.
I've actually been writing stand-up for years without realizing it.
I mean, I'm always writing stuff in my notebook, and I thought they were just thoughts.
- Mmm? - But they were actually jokes.
- Ahh, has your sketch already started? - Uhh My sketch isn't started.
You're Oh, last time I was here, you outright fought with an audience member.
Yolaine.
- And I had a pint of beer poured on me.
- No, I didn't really fight.
No.
I was a little worked up, but that's all.
A little worked up? You were very worked up.
And I ended up with a beer on my head, and I said nothing.
Okay, fine.
Come by Thursday at 5:00.
We'll make it work.
Alright, well, 5:00 p.
m.
is an awesome slot, Great time.
And bring three people.
 Nobody wants to play in front of an empty house.
- Well, okay, no problem with that.
- Mmm.
[upbeat music plays.]
[Apolline.]
Good evening! Good evening, everyone.
When I was little, I was a total pervert.
That's right.
I don't know if you've noticed, um, that, uh, Barbie and Ken are completely smooth between their legs.
No, I have to change my tone.
Have ever you noticed that Barbie and Ken are completely smooth between their legs? Why is that? [laughs.]
They're not like that when they leave the factory.
First, they send them to me.
Then I rub them, rub them, rub them.
and, uh, once they've really been rubbed, I send them back, and then they're ready to be sold.
They're all smooth.
Other than that, my passion was horses.
I rode horses.
I really loved riding horses.
Oh, my Are you alright? What are you doing? I'm getting my presentation ready, it's uh um [clears throat.]
Byzantine archaeology.
It's, uh intense.
That's beautiful, your enthusiasm, your passion for art history.
Just like me.
Well, they'll be here soon.
You should get dressed.
I believe that I am dressed.
Mmm, Apolline, I can see it.
- Mom, I've had this tattoo for six months.
- I can see it.
- But, Mom - Come on, sweetie, please.
Let me mourn your physical purity at my own pace.
But it's 100 degrees.
I'm not wearing a turtleneck.
The guy from Christie's doesn't care about my tattoo.
- What's his name again? - Nathaniel Walsh.
- Nathaniel Walsh? Yes.
- Yes.
Are you interested in this internship in London? - Yes.
- I've organized this dinner for you.
So put all the odds in your favor tonight, please.
A tattoo is not a sign of seriousness, exactitude, or cleanliness.
That's all I'm saying.
For all we know, Nathaniel Walsh has a piercing on the tip of his dick.
So, I really prefer his talent with color.
- Because, um - That's exactly it.
Good evening, Nathaniel.
Apolline.
I'm delighted to make your acquaintance.
The pleasure is mine, Apolline.
So you're the up and coming great museum curator? [chuckles.]
This is my partner, Vanessa Prieto.
- Good evening.
- Delighted.
[Pierre-Emmanuel.]
Champagne? - [Nathaniel.]
With pleasure.
- [Petra.]
Of course.
[Nezir.]
I never invite girls to a restaurant.
I'm too scared.
I'm a homebody.
I don't drink.
 I don't party.
I very rarely have sex.
And people think it's because I'm Muslim.
No, I swear, people think it's because People think it's because I'm afraid of God.
Yes, I'm afraid of God, but I'm actually just afraid of going to a party.
I'm actually just afraid of going to a party.
[buzzing.]
- Yeah? - [Bling.]
Nez.
Where are you, bro? At your place.
We said 11:00.
[Bling.]
Oh, shit.
I forgot.
- Stay there.
I'm coming.
- [sighs.]
Come on, I changed my delivery schedule so I could be here at 11:00, okay? - I've lost work because of you.
- [Bling.]
Calm down.
[Nezir.]
No, I won't calm down, okay? I'm here now.
I put things on hold for you.
Do you get that? I'm here, I told you.
Come on, move! Relax.
We're a team.
But, Bling, listen to me.
There's no "we," okay? This isn't working, you and me.
You've gone too far.
- Where are you now? - Forget it.
Don't come.
There's no point.
We can't work together.
Man, you're such a pessimist.
I'm telling you.
- Let it go.
It's not working out, man.
- Nezir, wait up! I love you! I'll do anything you want.
A hug? What do you want? Flowers? Jewels? Oh, I know.
A blow job.
What do you want? Do you know what, Bling? I want Okay, no more meetings, alright? We stop.
It doesn't work.
I write the sketches myself, I send them to you, you either like them or you don't.
I don't care.
It's a deal.
[laughing.]
Okay, hurry up and write my show.
[both moaning and gasping.]
Go on, Pistachio.
Go, Pistachio.
[laughing.]
Is everything alright? HORSEBACK RIDING Are you done? I LOVE MY HORSE No.
Wait.
GO PISTACHIO! - Don't stop.
Keep going.
- Okay.
[both moaning and gasping.]
It's called MSC.
Accounting and Financial Management.
[Apolline.]
Yeah.
- Honestly, it's awesome.
- Yes, yes.
Cool.
It's a top-tier program, you know? Mmm.
Mm.
It's a mix of accounting, business finance and strategy, so - Right.
- It's pretty comprehensive.
- Yeah, it sounds great.
- Mmm.
You can tell me about it later.
I have to go.
Don't you want to sleep over? - Just once.
- Oh no, I can't.
I don't have my contact solution.
You wear contacts? No.
[sighs.]
[song playing in background.]
Here, my love.
[humming melody.]
- Mmm? - Oh, what's this? "I love you to thesis.
" Aw, this is so cute.
Thanks a lot.
Thank you, my darlings.
I'll keep it with me.
I know it'll bring me luck.
Thank you.
Thank you, pumpkin.
[all chuckle lightly.]
[sighs.]
Actually maybe it's best if you don't come.
Uh To your thesis defense? If you're there, they'll be thinking about my prostate.
You know? Instead of listening to my thesis.
But I wanted to be there with you, Vlad.
This is absurd.
I got on the press agent's bad side because I had to change my entire schedule for you.
[Vlad.]
Please stop making everything about you.
Okay.
Your choice.
[dishes clattering.]
[Bling.]
No, Nezir, what the hell did you do? I just got your script.
[groans.]
"The other day, I went to the forest because the grass makes my shoes stand out.
" "Some people walk their dog.
I walk my sneakers.
" Dude! Sure.
If you sell it like that, it's not funny at all.
I'm not paying you to make fun of me.
Okay? I'm paying you to be a hit.
Bling, I'm not making fun of you.
You are.
I'm sorry.
You are making fun of yourself.
- Which is called self-deprecation.
- Oh, thank you.
I know.
It's just that I I told you, I want to talk about girls.
- About girls? - Yeah.
- To say what? How do - Talk about chicks.
Talk about chicks? What's your point? Okay, okay.
Come on.
Let's unpack this for real.
- Who was the last girl you were with? - Mmm? The last time you fell in love, who was she? The last girl you slept with even.
Who is it? Do you remember? Don't go all shrink on me, dude.
I was working at a small communications firm.
And I was supposed to come up with ideas to sell cell-phone shaped cookies.
No, no, I swear it's true.
And one day, I asked myself, "What the hell am I doing here?" "I need to stop.
Now.
" And I left.
- [laughs.]
- And then I started doing comedy.
[woman.]
Okay, great.
We have enough to work with.
Great.
Thank you so much.
- [chuckles.]
- [indistinct chatter.]
Hey, it's Konbini.
- I've done plenty of Konbinis too.
- Okay.
Yeah.
Seven.
- I did seven.
- Mmm.
[woman.]
Oh, wait, sorry.
Can you remind us what dates your show is on? Yeah.
yeah, uh We could We could maybe let people look it up online themselves.
Or maybe put up a caption? - Um, no.
- No? No.
Okay.
- Go on.
- Um Uh [softly.]
At Palais des Glaces, from Thursday to Saturday at 9:00.
- What did she say? - [man.]
Can we try that again? The Palais des Glaces, from Thursday to Saturday at 9:00.
[woman.]
Okay, one more time, with a little more pep.
At the Palais des Glaces, from Thursday to Saturday at 9:00 p.
m.
Just say it! That was my slot.
You stole my slot.
Could we cut, please? If you don't mind.
No, don't cut.
It's important to say things during an interview.
- Like the truth, right? - Yes.
- For example, how did you start out? - Yes, I told them.
I took her into my group, I introduced her to my manager.
- Then she opened for me.
- Bling! It's okay.
We were really close back then.
Really, really close! - Did she tell you that? - Stop it, Bling! Bling, I'm sorry.
This isn't my fault, okay? - That's betrayal.
- What? You betrayed yourself.
Give it a rest.
Come on.
I helped you.
I launched you.
You don't need me anymore so you throw me aside.
Stop it, Bling.
You're the problem, not everyone else.
Do you get that? Get that into your brain.
[sighs.]
[man.]
And one, two, one two.
Okay, it's 4:00.
Let's kick off the Newbie Comedy.
Sound check.
Can you give me a little reverb? Showtime.
Are you ready to laugh or what? - Come back to steal jokes? - Oh! [Nezir chuckles.]
- Hi.
- I'm warning you.
It's Newbie Comedy hour.
I know, that's where I'm going.
Ah! Ouch.
- What? - Well, it's the worst lineup.
It's beginners only.
- You won't be able to steal much.
- What? They got nothing to say and say it badly.
Oh, I want to die right now.
Actually, I signed up.
I'm performing.
Okay, now I'm the one who wants to die.
I'm sorry.
Obviously you'll take things up a notch, it's You can tell - just by looking at your face.
- Oh.
And who are they? Hello.
They're with me.
They told me to bring three people.
I mean, maybe I don't have anything to say.
Yes, I do have something to say, but maybe you're right, nobody cares about what I have to say.
But I'm gonna say it, and we'll just have to see what happens.
- There.
- Okay.
You bet.
[inhaling deeply.]
[exhaling forcefully.]
[upbeat music playing.]
[man.]
Hello.
Hello.
Hello, my name is Brian.
A little applause always feels good, thank you.
Any girls in the audience believe men and women can be friends? Sort of? Based on the applause, some of you are - Yeah, you're - [clapping.]
You're into it.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, okay.
Cool, cool.
- Let me tell you why I'm asking - My God! I told you.
[man.]
I went on dating site, right? I met girls, and some, they always wanted to be my friend.
Be my friend, and I'm like, "Hey, girl, girl, girl, this site, it's not called adopt-a-friend.
com.
" [chuckling.]
Get it? Is third a good spot? Yeah, yeah.
It's great, because the audience is already warmed up.
The hardest is to open or close the lineup.
[man.]
I don't know, I think they're different concepts.
Politics and entertainment aren't the same.
Politicians, they wake up, because, like, politics Can you please give me some advice? Umm You have to, uh, take your time, okay? Because, often, when you're starting out and you're stressed you rush through the script and no one understands.
Right.
And also, don't wait for people to laugh after each joke.
Yeah, okay.
Hey I think you should stop doing that with your bracelet.
Because it looks like you're Oh! [laughs.]
Right.
It looks like I'm Yeah.
Here.
You take it and leave entirely.
Don't stay in the room.
I really don't want you to see or hear me.
- But the point of stand-up - Leave, leave, leave! Please give it up for Apolline.
[scattered applause.]
Oh.
[jazzy music playing.]
- [music stops.]
- [man.]
Whoo! Umm I don't know if you've ever noticed how little girls often love horses? - [soft chuckles.]
- [Apolline chuckles.]
That didn't come out right.
Uh I mean Why do you think little girls love riding horses? What What's the reason? Uh Uh, I mean it's true, riding clubs are mostly full of little girls.
[Apolline chuckles nervously.]
I'm sorry.
- So how's the girl doing? - She doesn't want me to watch.
- Ah, it means she likes you.
- [man.]
For sure.
[woman.]
Oh, yeah.
She likes you! Well [melancholy music plays.]
[sighs.]
Is that your girlfriend's? - Huh? - Show me.
Hermès.
A bracelet like this is worth two grand.
- Fun to know.
- Shit.
So that girl isn't exactly strapped for cash.
Cool, man.
[Aïssatou.]
My father is really athletic, umm He used to be a great basketball player.
And so, usually, people punish kids, you take away their dessert or the TV.
I had to do push-ups.
Uh, and as a result, I got pecs before I had tits.
I mean breasts, or what were supposed to be breasts.
- [audience laughing.]
- Actually, speaking of breasts [laughter grows louder.]
[softly.]
Hey, I'm going on after her.
- Hmm? - I'm going on after her.
Oh no.
Don't you start again.
It's fine.
Just five minutes to wrap up the lineup.
I've been working.
Sometimes, you shouldn't push it.
Maybe the stage is not for you.
Maybe you're better at running the club.
Did you blow a fuse? I told you, I'm on track for a new show.
First in small cities, then Paris.
Come on! - Okay.
You're up next.
- Okay.
But I beg you.
I need it.
Do a good job.
Thank you, sis.
[upbeat music playing.]
- [Bling.]
I'm on after her.
- [Nezir.]
Huh? Bling, you're not ready.
We haven't worked enough.
You're not gonna do your porn bit are you? Get off my back.
I know what I'm doing.
It's time to say Oh, I thought I was the last one tonight, but, apparently, we're getting extras.
For our next act, be nice about his jokes, or it'll end in an all-out fight.
Here's Bling.
- [music playing.]
- [audience applauding.]
Hey, make some noise for Aïssatou, who's now got the world wrapped around her fingers.
- How are you, people of the Drôle? - He's so corny, I swear.
I mean, the Drôle the ladies? Even his sneakers are cooler than he is.
I'm really happy because I just bought some new sneakers.
Yeah.
I collect sneakers, yeah.
Hey, come on, don't judge me.
Hey, some people collect pins.
Now, I have to admit, I'm not exactly trending right now.
I feel like even my sneakers are cooler than I am.
- [audience chuckling.]
- Okay, yeah, I'm shallow.
The only book at my place is a Foot Locker catalog, fine.
I saw you looking immediately at my shoes.
You're a quick one.
But it proves you know nothing about sneaker collectors.
Yeah.
You don't buy a rare pair of sneakers to wear them.
Not outside.
What are you, insane? Once this girl actually lectured me.
She said, "What's the point of spending a fortune on all those shoes if you're only going to show them off at home?" And you? What's the point in spending a fortune on a boob job if you're only going to show them off at home? [audience chuckling.]
You know, people also ask me, "Yeah, but, Bling, don't you ever feel guilty collecting shoes made by little kids in Asia?" "Urgh.
La-la-la.
" No.
On the contrary.
How come, when an African immigrant sends money back home, he supports his family.
And when I buy sneakers for 500 euros made by a little Vietnamese kid, I'm a bad person.
[audience laughing.]
Seriously, it's nuts.
[applause.]
[door opening.]
- [laughs.]
- Hey! - You were on fire.
- Honestly, it's a nice change.
You should have that energy more often.
- They were laughing hard.
- Really, it was good, man.
Seriously, look at them kissing his ass.
Those guys have lost all good judgment.
- It wasn't bad, was it? - What? It sucked big time.
It was an easy cliché.
It, ugh - No way.
- [blows raspberry.]
I think you're being harsh.
I honestly think you're harsh.
I thought it was much less bad than usual.
Mmm.
You could do better.
Come on, Nezir.
You're writing for Bling.
I mean Bling? Is that your new job? What have you gotten yourself into, man? I'm in deep shit, Aïssatou.
[both laughing.]
I swear, it's like Hell.
If you only knew how he works.
Or rather how he doesn't work.
I've had it up to here.
But it's only until I can save up.
- I swear.
- Right.
We don't all have Instagram bowing down to us an international tour coming up.
You won't tell? Don't worry.
[man.]
Whoo! Here's to Dr.
Vladimir Batili! With the jury's congratulations.
- [woman.]
Cheers! Congratulations! - [Vlad.]
Thanks, thanks.
Yeah, that lyrical surge at the end was truly gutsy.
Don't you think? Each year one of us is gonna become a doctor.
[both laughing.]
Good evening.
- Great job! So proud.
- Hey, babe.
Thank you, babe.
So, are you gonna leave now? You can finally relax.
And it'll clear up some space at home.
- Because you know what it's like, huh? - Right! Over time, the pieces of paper pile up.
I couldn't take it any more.
Ten years on a thesis.
I mean, it's mostly ten tons of paper.
I destroyed half of the rain forest, for a PhD in geography, it's okay.
[laughs.]
Thank you.
[man.]
You're doing great too, Aïssa.
I saw.
Good job.
It's amazing what a hit your video is.
And how's your show going? - I mean it, your sense of humor is - Incredible.
Well, I can tell you, I'm gonna perform at the Palais des Glaces.
[laughs.]
Palais des Glaces.
It's amazing.
- [woman.]
That's huge! - [man.]
Can we get invitations? - [Aïssatou.]
Yeah, yeah.
Totally.
- [woman.]
I'd love that.
- [man 2.]
I bet everyone is asking.
- [woman.]
Of course! [Aïssatou.]
Come as a group.
Seriously, I'd love that.
[woman 2.]
Stand-up is so trending now.
Isn't that crazy? [Aïssatou.]
Yeah, but we've kind of been around for a long time.
[man.]
For instance, there's a comedy club next to our place, it's [Aïssatou.]
Which one? I've played at a lot of them.
[Petra.]
Oh fuck.
Come on! Let's go.
We'll be late.
[sighs, grunts softly.]
[vocalizing symphonic melody.]
Now that's enthusiasm.
You realize, I bought those seats for you, sweetheart.
- Yes, I know that.
- [sighs.]
I love it when the both of us go to the opera.
[both gasp.]
Well, I'm looking for Apolline.
- Hi.
- Oh.
What is this regarding? It's about the bracelet.
Oh, yes, thank you, sir.
So kind of you.
- I left it in the Uber.
- You never told me.
Yes, I did.
I told you.
Oh, it's so sweet of you to have come all this way.
No, please.
It's my pleasure.
- No problem.
- Oh, wait one second.
How did you know where I live? - I'm your Uber driver.
- Not funny at all.
No, I heard you give the cab driver your address last time.
So I took the liberty of calling because I mean, to return your bracelet.
Look, it's okay.
Don't worry.
I'm not a psychopath.
I know it didn't go well, so Okay, thank you.
Thank you so much, sir.
Goodbye.
Thank you for stopping by.
Oh, is he gone? Oh no, there you are.
Here.
[laughs.]
Thank you again, young man.
Goodbye.
["Ulysses and the Sea" playing.]
In an endless sea with you Sailing under the rain The only color of my blues Is made of dust and sand Driftin' It's every day the same Clouds pass me by And I'm down to take my time Until I found you The wind may send me home to you Before the harvest starts again And if the lake and shine on through Will you still recall my name? Driftin' It's every day the same Clouds pass me by And I'm down to take my time Until I found you I've been here And almost everywhere I sailed the seven seas While you sit down on your chair You've been good to me And I've been good to you Lost in the hands of gravity Soon I'll get back to blue
- Can I have some more eggplant, please? - Of course.
Thank you very much.
Which sauce? Nezir, which sauce? Spicy.
A double dose, please.
So really spicy.
Bling, please listen to me.
When we're working as a team, there are rules, Bling, you follow? Yes, there are rules you have to respect.
First, consistency.
Secondly, bro, we set the schedule together.
- You can't tell me at the last minute.
- [Bling.]
Okay.
Not tomorrow.
Just come over now.
Now? Goddamn it, I just told you to - Hello? - Actually, that will not be possible.
Are you kidding me? Did you say yes without thinking, or do you want to work together? Absolutely, but not tonight.
Because, like I told you, I'm opening for my friend, Aïssatou, at the theater.
Ahh, of course.
I'm so stupid.
[Nezir.]
There.
Absolutely.
Tomorrow at 11:00, my place, then.
That would be perfect.
Thank you so much, sir.
- Have a great evening.
- You're acting weird today.
[Aïssatou.]
Mmm, what is this new job anyway? They sound like a pain, no? Mmm, it's a food-service job again.
It's not that interesting, but who cares.
As long as I can keep performing.
- Oh! Now there's my Nez, hmm? - Mmm.
You don't choose comfort and stability.
You always stay honest and genuine.
I admire that in you, you know that? What's going on here? - I'm performing here later.
- This is the line for your show, Aïssa.
[upbeat pop song playing.]
[Aïssatou.]
No way! This is for you.
Excuse me.
Good evening.
- Good evening.
- Hello.
- Are you here for my show? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
[laughs.]
- Are you sure? - [woman.]
Yeah! Well, because my show is an hour long, I mean.
[woman.]
Yeah, we know.
[music continues.]
[cheers and applause.]
[laughs.]
Thank you! Thank you very much! And please, guys, give it up to Nezir for our opening act.
He's my very good friend.
- [audience applauding.]
- Thank you, on his behalf.
And, most of all, thank you for all coming.
Last week, I performed in front of 15 people.
We were nearly canceled and this is It's It's magical.
So, I'm not religious at all, I don't know who to thank, so, uh So I guess thank the anus.
- There.
- [laughter and cheers.]
You really said, "Thank the anus"? [laughing.]
Stop.
Stop.
I don't know what came over me.
- They were really into it, huh? - Yeah.
Ohh! [giggles.]
You're squeezing me really tight again, Aïssa.
Yes, but you're getting squeezed by a girl.
You can't complain, huh? Let's get a drink.
Come on.
No.
I'm playing at the Drôle tonight.
At 10:00.
[Aïssatou.]
Ah [sucks teeth.]
Okay.
[man.]
You know all of this is because of my parents.
They're the only reference I have for relationships.
Twenty-five, almost 30 years together, and they never kiss.
Not one sign of affection.
They look like they kinda like each other, you know, nothing crazy.
They look like office colleagues.
to whom their boss said one day, "You two, I want a family on my desk by Monday.
" And they said, "Oh, okay.
" It's really weird.
Whenever I visit, I ring the doorbell they open, standing all straight, and say to me, "Hello, son.
" Kind of like the Sims.
It's terrifying.
I sit down, they look at me, kind of hold hands, like this, and I wonder, "How did you conceive me?" I really want to know.
Maybe even see it, I don't know.
Honestly, I think they rented a conference room, they put on suits to conceive me, and they shook hands with a smile.
I think my dad rubbed one out, like this, he held it out for her, she cupped her hands and collected it.
[laughs.]
Too shocking? Okay, I had to test that joke.
That's all from me.
Have a good night.
Whoo! [emcee.]
Panayotis Pascot, ladies and gentlemen! Thank you.
Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm sorry.
Were you working? I'm disturbing you? You're on soon.
Should I leave you alone or is this okay? - That's a lot of questions.
- [laughs.]
Yes.
I have lots of them.
Actually, I'd like to know how you started out.
I mean, which stand-up do you admire? How do you write your jokes? What makes a joke? - Do you write them in your head - Excuse me.
 Are you a journalist? No, I'm not a journalist.
I'm an art history student.
Okay, because I notice you come here a lot and I see you taking notes, and you can't do that.
- Oh, sorry.
I didn't know.
- We don't like joke thieves around here.
- Okay? - Yes.
[Wanda.]
Hmm? See you, Nezir.
Look, I'm not a joke thief at all, I swear.
I'm just interested in how you guys write your jokes.
- And your topics and - So you're a spy, then? Not at all! It's just that I'm just interested.
- Seriously, you believe me? - I do.
I believe you.
I wish I could stay and watch you, but I have dinner plans.
- I have to get going.
- No problem.
I'm going to tell all the jokes I wrote down tonight to make them think I'm funny.
[laughs.]
Okay.
- [opera music playing.]
- [sighs.]
[door slams.]
[sighs.]
[Apolline.]
I'm home! Don't you think this bouquet is a little much? Uh Yes.
I don't know.
Oh! Sweet truffle thingies.
It's like they're too insistent.
- Aggressive.
- Mmm, so good.
Right, Pierre-Emmanuel? Petra, I bought you those flowers.
Why are you asking? Do whatever you want.
You're not helping.
[Pierre-Emmanuel.]
Seriously, do whatever you want.
Throw them out if you want.
- Eat them if you want.
I don't care.
- Did you finish late? I was at Daphné's.
Um, we were working.
We were studying for our exams together.
It's more fun.
[Petra.]
Oh, and Nathaniel Walsh comes to dinner tomorrow.
You can talk about your internship at Christie's in London.
Jokes - You look lovely as ever.
- [chuckles.]
Thank you, Laurent.
If I'm coming to see you I make the effort.
Of course! [laughs.]
For five years working together you only gave me water.
Now, with a million views, bam! Chocolate croissant, freshly-squeezed OJ I always told you.
It takes a very long time to become famous overnight.
[laughs.]
Here is your media strategy for the next three weeks.
Thank you.
- [Laurent.]
Well? - Holy shit! [Laurent.]
Huh? Yeah? This is something.
Well, yes something.
This is our chance.
I'm not gonna think small.
In a year, you'll be filling all the stadiums.
- Oh my! [exhales.]
- [Laurent chuckles.]
Wait, I'm sorry.
Excuse me, Mélanie.
The Konbini interview is the day after tomorrow morning? Yeah, that's right.
But I can't make that.
It's my boyfriend's thesis defense.
- [Mélanie.]
Oh.
- Yeah.
And I'm sorry, guys, but after the prostate sketch, I don't have a choice.
I don't want a divorce.
- I'll see what I can do.
- Thank you so much.
I've saved the best for last.
You're getting a new venue.
- [Aïssatou.]
Huh? - The main room at the Palais des Glaces.
Is that a joke? Are you serious? - Uh-huh.
- [laughs.]
Oh shit! - Thursday to Sunday at 9:00 p.
m.
- This is insane.
It's the headliner slot.
- That's right! - Hang on - Isn't Bling supposed to play there? - Was supposed to.
After his bullshit, he's done for.
No, Laurent, help me out here.
I mean, you know things are already complicated between me and Bling.
I don't know.
Can't Can't we get a another venue? [laughs.]
Maybe? Hmm? What is wrong with all of you, huh? You really think I can pull venues out of my ass? - No, no, no.
- No? [Mélanie.]
Aïssa, Konbini interview tomorrow.
Does that work? I'm playing at the Drôle at 7:00 p.
m.
, but before that, yeah, that works.
[Mélanie.]
Great.
Awesome, let's do that.
- Thanks a lot, Mélanie.
- You're welcome.
I'm meeting with Bling later.
I'll talk to him.
- Oh no.
No, no, no! - Yes.
Yes, I will No.
Don't do that, Laurent.
No, you'll make it even worse.
Please.
I'll tell him.
[sighs.]
I will tell him.
Hey.
- What's up? - Hey.
- Well, what did Calif promise you? - Huh? - 1001 nights? - No, we just talked about PR, planning.
- Uh, that stuff.
- Right.
- You know what it's like.
Logistics - Yeah.
Konbini's interviewing me at the club on Thursday.
- Oh yeah? - Yeah.
- Hey, awesome.
- [laughs.]
I've done several Konbinis.
You'll see, it's cool.
- Mmm.
- [chuckles.]
Yeah, so I won't keep you.
- Have a good meeting.
- Yeah, thanks.
- Okay.
See you around.
- See you.
I'm seeing Laurent too.
Please, Laurent.
Please listen to me! You don't have a show, Bling, therefore you don't have a venue anymore.
- Can't you find me another one? - No.
No, seriously, come on.
I'm losing money with you.
- You're not profitable, Bling.
- I'm relaunching, I swear.
I've started working again.
I'm serious about it.
I'm starting to write material.
I'm telling you! You've been selling me the same story for a year.
You're serious? That's enough.
You've worn me out.
I've had it, for Christ's sakes.
Laurent, you can't drop me right now when I need you the most! What will I tell the others? My sister? The club? Laurent, we started out together.
I was at your wedding.
I was at your divorce, damn it! If you've given up on me, I'm really worth nothing.
- Come on.
- Jesus! Fine.
Let's try something.
You have two months to give me 20 minutes.
- Yeah, okay.
- You're gonna work.
Yeah, I'll work.
And then we'll reassess with Mélanie.
If it holds up, we'll combine it with stuff from your first show, and I'll find you a slot in a small city, okay? - Okay.
- And then we'll see about Paris, okay? - I've have to go.
- I'm grateful, Laurent.
[exhales.]
Hang on.
[Bling.]
Are you coming or what? I just spoke with Califano about my show.
It's happening.
We're back on, man! I can't believe that dude.
Damn it! WE SAID 11:00 YEAH WELL HURRY! He really thinks I'm a slave.
Oh! - Fucking shit! - [Ibrahim.]
It's nothing.
It's nothing.
[Nezir.]
Shit! Dad, leave it.
Fuck.
I'm sick of this.
I'm sick of this, Dad.
[Ibrahim.]
In life, there's always a solution.
You think you'll get far like that? [Nezir chuckles softly.]
[buzzer ringing.]
[Bling.]
Come on up.
- But hurry.
[laughing.]
- [exhales.]
There's coffee, help yourself.
I have to finish this thing.
It's really annoying.
But I have to, it's for my collection of sneakers.
I thought of a bunch of stuff last night.
- I worked so much.
- Okay, great.
That's good.
You tell me, and I'll write it down.
You're hilarious, always writing everything down.
I don't really like to write.
Really? I never would have guessed.
I prefer going onstage with my stuff in my mind and see how it comes out.
If it's pre-written it's not spontaneous, it throws me off.
That's why I love improvising with the audience.
You don't like improv, right? It stresses you out.
I have ten minutes onstage to try out my jokes.
I don't want to waste them asking people, "How's it going?" "What did you do today? What did you have for lunch?" - Uh, Bling, shall we start? - Totally.
- So what did you think of? - I took some notes.
Hang on.
[Nezir.]
What are your themes? What do you enjoy in life? [Bling.]
I love animal documentaries, I love clubbing, I love women.
Oh! Here were are.
Short porn actresses.
Funny, right? Have you ever noticed girls in porn are always petite? It's never girls who are too tall or athletic.
And you know why? Why, my dear Nezir? - Watch out.
- Why? I don't know.
Because, if they're small, it seems like the guys have enormous dicks, when they don't.
It's like an optical - Illusion.
- Exactly.
No.
An "op-dick-al".
It's funny.
Write it down.
Wait.
Give me a quick hand here.
Hurry! Hurry, hurry! - So you wanna talk about porn? - Yeah.
No? Sure.
Uh, do you watch a lot? What kind? - I mean, what's "a lot.
" - Every day? I don't know.
- [phone buzzing.]
- Oh, damn it.
Bling? One sec, I need to run downstairs.
Can you hold it? Brainstorm, okay? Is he serious? [Bling.]
I didn't even think they were out yet.
You'll love these, brother.
Now, take a look, bro.
I got them last night in a raffle.
220 bucks, man.
Man, these are stunning.
I didn't know they had these colors.
- These are more than stunning.
- Excuse me, guys.
You good? You have something to start from? Oh yeah, totally.
[people chattering.]
You should try it.
You think it's good he spends seven hours in class? Yes, of course.
No, after all, you can't always be on him suggesting games for him.
[woman.]
We think so too.
[teacher.]
Yes, that's right.
It's a win-win.
[whispering.]
Did you see how he looked at me? - Stop it.
- I'm sure he saw your video.
You're being paranoid.
A million views in one week? Of course I'm paranoid.
But that could be anyone in the video.
You stick your fingers up anyone else's butt? Your turn! So Mariama She's doing very well.
She's very sociable.
- She participates a lot.
- That's great.
She is still struggling with motor skills, but she may still be hesitating between both of her hands.
If she's left or right-handed.
So, uh, well, don't hesitate to stimulate her at home.
Suggest games that exercise her fingers, like this Uh, that's pretty much it.
Also, picking up small objects, uh [hesitates.]
sticking them into small holes.
You know, like Like beads.
Or anything else.
- [Aïssatou.]
Or anything else? - Yes.
- Hmm.
- [teacher.]
Great.
- That's great.
- Yeah, great.
There, this is my life now.
Exactly like Monica Lewinsky and Bill Clinton.
No matter what, people will always remember the cigar in the Oval Office.
It ruined her life.
Thanks, love, it's nice to be compared to a US president.
This is insane.
Don't you understand? I've become a laughingstock, Aïssa.
Can't you put yourself in my shoes? - You only think about yourself! - You think so? You sacrificed me to become a celebrity! Hey, I've been waiting for this for years, Vlad.
I put everything on hold for two years for the baby.
I supported you and I never complained.
You can't be happy for me and stop thinking about yourself? Excuse me.
Nobody gives a rat's ass about your freakin' asshole! Excuse me, ma'am.
Can we please take a selfie? - If you don't mind? Smile.
- Yes.
- Thank you! - Thanks.
Thanks so much.
And it's not a sketch about that at all.
It's about deconstructing heterosexual sexuality.
You should be proud of having contributed to it.
[soft music playing.]
- Hello.
- [Corinne.]
Hello.
I'm here for the beginners open-mic.
I'd like to perform.
Talk to my brother.
Etienne? Did you sign up? [Apolline.]
Uh, no.
- Have you ever done it? - No.
And you want to waltz in and go on tonight, just like that? You're funny already.
There's a two-month wait.
A two month wait? But I'll be in London in two months, so it's really inconvenient.
- Yeah, that definitely is.
- I know.
- What about the other newbies? - I don't want to steal anyone's spot, but see, I said I was a beginner.
Technically, I'm not really one.
I've actually been writing stand-up for years without realizing it.
I mean, I'm always writing stuff in my notebook, and I thought they were just thoughts.
- Mmm? - But they were actually jokes.
- Ahh, has your sketch already started? - Uhh My sketch isn't started.
You're Oh, last time I was here, you outright fought with an audience member.
Yolaine.
- And I had a pint of beer poured on me.
- No, I didn't really fight.
No.
I was a little worked up, but that's all.
A little worked up? You were very worked up.
And I ended up with a beer on my head, and I said nothing.
Okay, fine.
Come by Thursday at 5:00.
We'll make it work.
Alright, well, 5:00 p.
m.
is an awesome slot, Great time.
And bring three people.
 Nobody wants to play in front of an empty house.
- Well, okay, no problem with that.
- Mmm.
[upbeat music plays.]
[Apolline.]
Good evening! Good evening, everyone.
When I was little, I was a total pervert.
That's right.
I don't know if you've noticed, um, that, uh, Barbie and Ken are completely smooth between their legs.
No, I have to change my tone.
Have ever you noticed that Barbie and Ken are completely smooth between their legs? Why is that? [laughs.]
They're not like that when they leave the factory.
First, they send them to me.
Then I rub them, rub them, rub them.
and, uh, once they've really been rubbed, I send them back, and then they're ready to be sold.
They're all smooth.
Other than that, my passion was horses.
I rode horses.
I really loved riding horses.
Oh, my Are you alright? What are you doing? I'm getting my presentation ready, it's uh um [clears throat.]
Byzantine archaeology.
It's, uh intense.
That's beautiful, your enthusiasm, your passion for art history.
Just like me.
Well, they'll be here soon.
You should get dressed.
I believe that I am dressed.
Mmm, Apolline, I can see it.
- Mom, I've had this tattoo for six months.
- I can see it.
- But, Mom - Come on, sweetie, please.
Let me mourn your physical purity at my own pace.
But it's 100 degrees.
I'm not wearing a turtleneck.
The guy from Christie's doesn't care about my tattoo.
- What's his name again? - Nathaniel Walsh.
- Nathaniel Walsh? Yes.
- Yes.
Are you interested in this internship in London? - Yes.
- I've organized this dinner for you.
So put all the odds in your favor tonight, please.
A tattoo is not a sign of seriousness, exactitude, or cleanliness.
That's all I'm saying.
For all we know, Nathaniel Walsh has a piercing on the tip of his dick.
So, I really prefer his talent with color.
- Because, um - That's exactly it.
Good evening, Nathaniel.
Apolline.
I'm delighted to make your acquaintance.
The pleasure is mine, Apolline.
So you're the up and coming great museum curator? [chuckles.]
This is my partner, Vanessa Prieto.
- Good evening.
- Delighted.
[Pierre-Emmanuel.]
Champagne? - [Nathaniel.]
With pleasure.
- [Petra.]
Of course.
[Nezir.]
I never invite girls to a restaurant.
I'm too scared.
I'm a homebody.
I don't drink.
 I don't party.
I very rarely have sex.
And people think it's because I'm Muslim.
No, I swear, people think it's because People think it's because I'm afraid of God.
Yes, I'm afraid of God, but I'm actually just afraid of going to a party.
I'm actually just afraid of going to a party.
[buzzing.]
- Yeah? - [Bling.]
Nez.
Where are you, bro? At your place.
We said 11:00.
[Bling.]
Oh, shit.
I forgot.
- Stay there.
I'm coming.
- [sighs.]
Come on, I changed my delivery schedule so I could be here at 11:00, okay? - I've lost work because of you.
- [Bling.]
Calm down.
[Nezir.]
No, I won't calm down, okay? I'm here now.
I put things on hold for you.
Do you get that? I'm here, I told you.
Come on, move! Relax.
We're a team.
But, Bling, listen to me.
There's no "we," okay? This isn't working, you and me.
You've gone too far.
- Where are you now? - Forget it.
Don't come.
There's no point.
We can't work together.
Man, you're such a pessimist.
I'm telling you.
- Let it go.
It's not working out, man.
- Nezir, wait up! I love you! I'll do anything you want.
A hug? What do you want? Flowers? Jewels? Oh, I know.
A blow job.
What do you want? Do you know what, Bling? I want Okay, no more meetings, alright? We stop.
It doesn't work.
I write the sketches myself, I send them to you, you either like them or you don't.
I don't care.
It's a deal.
[laughing.]
Okay, hurry up and write my show.
[both moaning and gasping.]
Go on, Pistachio.
Go, Pistachio.
[laughing.]
Is everything alright? HORSEBACK RIDING Are you done? I LOVE MY HORSE No.
Wait.
GO PISTACHIO! - Don't stop.
Keep going.
- Okay.
[both moaning and gasping.]
It's called MSC.
Accounting and Financial Management.
[Apolline.]
Yeah.
- Honestly, it's awesome.
- Yes, yes.
Cool.
It's a top-tier program, you know? Mmm.
Mm.
It's a mix of accounting, business finance and strategy, so - Right.
- It's pretty comprehensive.
- Yeah, it sounds great.
- Mmm.
You can tell me about it later.
I have to go.
Don't you want to sleep over? - Just once.
- Oh no, I can't.
I don't have my contact solution.
You wear contacts? No.
[sighs.]
[song playing in background.]
Here, my love.
[humming melody.]
- Mmm? - Oh, what's this? "I love you to thesis.
" Aw, this is so cute.
Thanks a lot.
Thank you, my darlings.
I'll keep it with me.
I know it'll bring me luck.
Thank you.
Thank you, pumpkin.
[all chuckle lightly.]
[sighs.]
Actually maybe it's best if you don't come.
Uh To your thesis defense? If you're there, they'll be thinking about my prostate.
You know? Instead of listening to my thesis.
But I wanted to be there with you, Vlad.
This is absurd.
I got on the press agent's bad side because I had to change my entire schedule for you.
[Vlad.]
Please stop making everything about you.
Okay.
Your choice.
[dishes clattering.]
[Bling.]
No, Nezir, what the hell did you do? I just got your script.
[groans.]
"The other day, I went to the forest because the grass makes my shoes stand out.
" "Some people walk their dog.
I walk my sneakers.
" Dude! Sure.
If you sell it like that, it's not funny at all.
I'm not paying you to make fun of me.
Okay? I'm paying you to be a hit.
Bling, I'm not making fun of you.
You are.
I'm sorry.
You are making fun of yourself.
- Which is called self-deprecation.
- Oh, thank you.
I know.
It's just that I I told you, I want to talk about girls.
- About girls? - Yeah.
- To say what? How do - Talk about chicks.
Talk about chicks? What's your point? Okay, okay.
Come on.
Let's unpack this for real.
- Who was the last girl you were with? - Mmm? The last time you fell in love, who was she? The last girl you slept with even.
Who is it? Do you remember? Don't go all shrink on me, dude.
I was working at a small communications firm.
And I was supposed to come up with ideas to sell cell-phone shaped cookies.
No, no, I swear it's true.
And one day, I asked myself, "What the hell am I doing here?" "I need to stop.
Now.
" And I left.
- [laughs.]
- And then I started doing comedy.
[woman.]
Okay, great.
We have enough to work with.
Great.
Thank you so much.
- [chuckles.]
- [indistinct chatter.]
Hey, it's Konbini.
- I've done plenty of Konbinis too.
- Okay.
Yeah.
Seven.
- I did seven.
- Mmm.
[woman.]
Oh, wait, sorry.
Can you remind us what dates your show is on? Yeah.
yeah, uh We could We could maybe let people look it up online themselves.
Or maybe put up a caption? - Um, no.
- No? No.
Okay.
- Go on.
- Um Uh [softly.]
At Palais des Glaces, from Thursday to Saturday at 9:00.
- What did she say? - [man.]
Can we try that again? The Palais des Glaces, from Thursday to Saturday at 9:00.
[woman.]
Okay, one more time, with a little more pep.
At the Palais des Glaces, from Thursday to Saturday at 9:00 p.
m.
Just say it! That was my slot.
You stole my slot.
Could we cut, please? If you don't mind.
No, don't cut.
It's important to say things during an interview.
- Like the truth, right? - Yes.
- For example, how did you start out? - Yes, I told them.
I took her into my group, I introduced her to my manager.
- Then she opened for me.
- Bling! It's okay.
We were really close back then.
Really, really close! - Did she tell you that? - Stop it, Bling! Bling, I'm sorry.
This isn't my fault, okay? - That's betrayal.
- What? You betrayed yourself.
Give it a rest.
Come on.
I helped you.
I launched you.
You don't need me anymore so you throw me aside.
Stop it, Bling.
You're the problem, not everyone else.
Do you get that? Get that into your brain.
[sighs.]
[man.]
And one, two, one two.
Okay, it's 4:00.
Let's kick off the Newbie Comedy.
Sound check.
Can you give me a little reverb? Showtime.
Are you ready to laugh or what? - Come back to steal jokes? - Oh! [Nezir chuckles.]
- Hi.
- I'm warning you.
It's Newbie Comedy hour.
I know, that's where I'm going.
Ah! Ouch.
- What? - Well, it's the worst lineup.
It's beginners only.
- You won't be able to steal much.
- What? They got nothing to say and say it badly.
Oh, I want to die right now.
Actually, I signed up.
I'm performing.
Okay, now I'm the one who wants to die.
I'm sorry.
Obviously you'll take things up a notch, it's You can tell - just by looking at your face.
- Oh.
And who are they? Hello.
They're with me.
They told me to bring three people.
I mean, maybe I don't have anything to say.
Yes, I do have something to say, but maybe you're right, nobody cares about what I have to say.
But I'm gonna say it, and we'll just have to see what happens.
- There.
- Okay.
You bet.
[inhaling deeply.]
[exhaling forcefully.]
[upbeat music playing.]
[man.]
Hello.
Hello.
Hello, my name is Brian.
A little applause always feels good, thank you.
Any girls in the audience believe men and women can be friends? Sort of? Based on the applause, some of you are - Yeah, you're - [clapping.]
You're into it.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, okay.
Cool, cool.
- Let me tell you why I'm asking - My God! I told you.
[man.]
I went on dating site, right? I met girls, and some, they always wanted to be my friend.
Be my friend, and I'm like, "Hey, girl, girl, girl, this site, it's not called adopt-a-friend.
com.
" [chuckling.]
Get it? Is third a good spot? Yeah, yeah.
It's great, because the audience is already warmed up.
The hardest is to open or close the lineup.
[man.]
I don't know, I think they're different concepts.
Politics and entertainment aren't the same.
Politicians, they wake up, because, like, politics Can you please give me some advice? Umm You have to, uh, take your time, okay? Because, often, when you're starting out and you're stressed you rush through the script and no one understands.
Right.
And also, don't wait for people to laugh after each joke.
Yeah, okay.
Hey I think you should stop doing that with your bracelet.
Because it looks like you're Oh! [laughs.]
Right.
It looks like I'm Yeah.
Here.
You take it and leave entirely.
Don't stay in the room.
I really don't want you to see or hear me.
- But the point of stand-up - Leave, leave, leave! Please give it up for Apolline.
[scattered applause.]
Oh.
[jazzy music playing.]
- [music stops.]
- [man.]
Whoo! Umm I don't know if you've ever noticed how little girls often love horses? - [soft chuckles.]
- [Apolline chuckles.]
That didn't come out right.
Uh I mean Why do you think little girls love riding horses? What What's the reason? Uh Uh, I mean it's true, riding clubs are mostly full of little girls.
[Apolline chuckles nervously.]
I'm sorry.
- So how's the girl doing? - She doesn't want me to watch.
- Ah, it means she likes you.
- [man.]
For sure.
[woman.]
Oh, yeah.
She likes you! Well [melancholy music plays.]
[sighs.]
Is that your girlfriend's? - Huh? - Show me.
Hermès.
A bracelet like this is worth two grand.
- Fun to know.
- Shit.
So that girl isn't exactly strapped for cash.
Cool, man.
[Aïssatou.]
My father is really athletic, umm He used to be a great basketball player.
And so, usually, people punish kids, you take away their dessert or the TV.
I had to do push-ups.
Uh, and as a result, I got pecs before I had tits.
I mean breasts, or what were supposed to be breasts.
- [audience laughing.]
- Actually, speaking of breasts [laughter grows louder.]
[softly.]
Hey, I'm going on after her.
- Hmm? - I'm going on after her.
Oh no.
Don't you start again.
It's fine.
Just five minutes to wrap up the lineup.
I've been working.
Sometimes, you shouldn't push it.
Maybe the stage is not for you.
Maybe you're better at running the club.
Did you blow a fuse? I told you, I'm on track for a new show.
First in small cities, then Paris.
Come on! - Okay.
You're up next.
- Okay.
But I beg you.
I need it.
Do a good job.
Thank you, sis.
[upbeat music playing.]
- [Bling.]
I'm on after her.
- [Nezir.]
Huh? Bling, you're not ready.
We haven't worked enough.
You're not gonna do your porn bit are you? Get off my back.
I know what I'm doing.
It's time to say Oh, I thought I was the last one tonight, but, apparently, we're getting extras.
For our next act, be nice about his jokes, or it'll end in an all-out fight.
Here's Bling.
- [music playing.]
- [audience applauding.]
Hey, make some noise for Aïssatou, who's now got the world wrapped around her fingers.
- How are you, people of the Drôle? - He's so corny, I swear.
I mean, the Drôle the ladies? Even his sneakers are cooler than he is.
I'm really happy because I just bought some new sneakers.
Yeah.
I collect sneakers, yeah.
Hey, come on, don't judge me.
Hey, some people collect pins.
Now, I have to admit, I'm not exactly trending right now.
I feel like even my sneakers are cooler than I am.
- [audience chuckling.]
- Okay, yeah, I'm shallow.
The only book at my place is a Foot Locker catalog, fine.
I saw you looking immediately at my shoes.
You're a quick one.
But it proves you know nothing about sneaker collectors.
Yeah.
You don't buy a rare pair of sneakers to wear them.
Not outside.
What are you, insane? Once this girl actually lectured me.
She said, "What's the point of spending a fortune on all those shoes if you're only going to show them off at home?" And you? What's the point in spending a fortune on a boob job if you're only going to show them off at home? [audience chuckling.]
You know, people also ask me, "Yeah, but, Bling, don't you ever feel guilty collecting shoes made by little kids in Asia?" "Urgh.
La-la-la.
" No.
On the contrary.
How come, when an African immigrant sends money back home, he supports his family.
And when I buy sneakers for 500 euros made by a little Vietnamese kid, I'm a bad person.
[audience laughing.]
Seriously, it's nuts.
[applause.]
[door opening.]
- [laughs.]
- Hey! - You were on fire.
- Honestly, it's a nice change.
You should have that energy more often.
- They were laughing hard.
- Really, it was good, man.
Seriously, look at them kissing his ass.
Those guys have lost all good judgment.
- It wasn't bad, was it? - What? It sucked big time.
It was an easy cliché.
It, ugh - No way.
- [blows raspberry.]
I think you're being harsh.
I honestly think you're harsh.
I thought it was much less bad than usual.
Mmm.
You could do better.
Come on, Nezir.
You're writing for Bling.
I mean Bling? Is that your new job? What have you gotten yourself into, man? I'm in deep shit, Aïssatou.
[both laughing.]
I swear, it's like Hell.
If you only knew how he works.
Or rather how he doesn't work.
I've had it up to here.
But it's only until I can save up.
- I swear.
- Right.
We don't all have Instagram bowing down to us an international tour coming up.
You won't tell? Don't worry.
[man.]
Whoo! Here's to Dr.
Vladimir Batili! With the jury's congratulations.
- [woman.]
Cheers! Congratulations! - [Vlad.]
Thanks, thanks.
Yeah, that lyrical surge at the end was truly gutsy.
Don't you think? Each year one of us is gonna become a doctor.
[both laughing.]
Good evening.
- Great job! So proud.
- Hey, babe.
Thank you, babe.
So, are you gonna leave now? You can finally relax.
And it'll clear up some space at home.
- Because you know what it's like, huh? - Right! Over time, the pieces of paper pile up.
I couldn't take it any more.
Ten years on a thesis.
I mean, it's mostly ten tons of paper.
I destroyed half of the rain forest, for a PhD in geography, it's okay.
[laughs.]
Thank you.
[man.]
You're doing great too, Aïssa.
I saw.
Good job.
It's amazing what a hit your video is.
And how's your show going? - I mean it, your sense of humor is - Incredible.
Well, I can tell you, I'm gonna perform at the Palais des Glaces.
[laughs.]
Palais des Glaces.
It's amazing.
- [woman.]
That's huge! - [man.]
Can we get invitations? - [Aïssatou.]
Yeah, yeah.
Totally.
- [woman.]
I'd love that.
- [man 2.]
I bet everyone is asking.
- [woman.]
Of course! [Aïssatou.]
Come as a group.
Seriously, I'd love that.
[woman 2.]
Stand-up is so trending now.
Isn't that crazy? [Aïssatou.]
Yeah, but we've kind of been around for a long time.
[man.]
For instance, there's a comedy club next to our place, it's [Aïssatou.]
Which one? I've played at a lot of them.
[Petra.]
Oh fuck.
Come on! Let's go.
We'll be late.
[sighs, grunts softly.]
[vocalizing symphonic melody.]
Now that's enthusiasm.
You realize, I bought those seats for you, sweetheart.
- Yes, I know that.
- [sighs.]
I love it when the both of us go to the opera.
[both gasp.]
Well, I'm looking for Apolline.
- Hi.
- Oh.
What is this regarding? It's about the bracelet.
Oh, yes, thank you, sir.
So kind of you.
- I left it in the Uber.
- You never told me.
Yes, I did.
I told you.
Oh, it's so sweet of you to have come all this way.
No, please.
It's my pleasure.
- No problem.
- Oh, wait one second.
How did you know where I live? - I'm your Uber driver.
- Not funny at all.
No, I heard you give the cab driver your address last time.
So I took the liberty of calling because I mean, to return your bracelet.
Look, it's okay.
Don't worry.
I'm not a psychopath.
I know it didn't go well, so Okay, thank you.
Thank you so much, sir.
Goodbye.
Thank you for stopping by.
Oh, is he gone? Oh no, there you are.
Here.
[laughs.]
Thank you again, young man.
Goodbye.
["Ulysses and the Sea" playing.]
In an endless sea with you Sailing under the rain The only color of my blues Is made of dust and sand Driftin' It's every day the same Clouds pass me by And I'm down to take my time Until I found you The wind may send me home to you Before the harvest starts again And if the lake and shine on through Will you still recall my name? Driftin' It's every day the same Clouds pass me by And I'm down to take my time Until I found you I've been here And almost everywhere I sailed the seven seas While you sit down on your chair You've been good to me And I've been good to you Lost in the hands of gravity Soon I'll get back to blue