Stark Raving Mad (2002) s01e02 Episode Script

Oh, here.
I found a typo.
You wrote "The blood dribbed off his hands".
I assume you meant "dripped".
No, I didn't.
Well, you meant "dribbled"? I wrote, Henry, "dribbed".
Yeah.
There is no "dribbed".
There is the noun "drib", which means negligible amounts.
Oh, I see.
So I'm getting a drib of halt from you right now? I'm fine if you wanna say "The blood dribs" or "dribbles".
Or "It came out in dribs and drabs".
Blood doesn't do any of that, Henry.
It dribs.
You know, I'll show you.
Alright, alright! It dribs, it dribs, it dribs! Any other typos? No, no, no! All good.
S S t S t e S t e f S t e f a S t e f a n S t e f a n i S t e f a n i a Hey! Have you guys seen the Times' story? -Not yet.
-Some guy went to Africa on safari.
He came back with a disease, his skin starts drying out and then just peels off his body! Just stop! Go on.
"The patient, James McGuer, 45 from Greenwich Connecticut" Did you say "Greenwich"? My parents live in Greenwich.
"His chances of survival are fainting rapidly".
"Authorities fear an infectious outbreak, as McGuer took the train" "from Grand Central to his rented home, upon his return last Saturday".
I took the train to Greenwich last Saturday! Henry, there's gotta be a dozen trains that go to Greenwich on the weekend! The 10:35.
I took the 10:35 train! Come on! These trains are huge! I'm sure you guys weren't in the same car.
You 're right.
A guy with a lot of baggage would never go to the last car.
The last car? Oh my God! I have been a little chapped this last week.
Can you see anything? Is it? -Wow.
I see something.
-What? What is it? The biggest schmuck I've ever met! -What? -Henry! The train ticket fell out of your pocket, on Monday.
So you spent three days plotting this? No.
We spent 10 minutes plotting this.
Three days getting to fake newspaper.
Hey! Where are you going? We are not finished! I'm sorry.
If you kindly open the door I'll stomp on the burning bag of poo and be on my way! Henry let's not go to sleep mad.
I'm not mad.
I have to go get a gift for my girlfriend.
-Today is our anniversary.
-You have a girlfriend? Oh, no! -What's her name? -I'm not telling you.
-What does she look like? -I'm not telling you.
Must be something wrong with her.
-There's nothing wrong with her! -Fat.
She is not fat! -Maybe she's got that milky eye! -She Would you stop it? -She happens to be very, very pretty.
-Oh, great! I'd love to meet her.
You are not going to meet her.
You are never going to meet her! Why can't I meet her? What are you afraid of? So far, we know spiders, small spaces thousand Island dressing Tess, hi.
I'm not gonna be able to make it for lunch today.
wells hot dogs, bubble wrap So, I'll see you tonight.
Okay.
Me too.
No, of course I do.
I just I can't right now, because becau Me, as well.
As do I.
-Enjoy that? -Yeah.
Always do.
Excuse me, why am I always the piñata here? Let's discuss Jake's private life for a moment, shall we? My mother's a lesbian and I have a leg-fet.
See you later.
Why didn't you ever tell me about your girlfriend? Look what you did with a train ticket! Imagine what you'd do with a real-life person! You know imagine what we could do with a real-life person! She must know a bunch of useful stuff about Henry! Redial? Damn! I had a lot of really important things to do today! May I help you? Just looking for a painting.
-We have those! -Yeah.
Anything in particular? I'm really open.
Just nothing with macaroni.
Look around a bit, and let me know if you got any questions.
Great.
I didn't catch your name.
It's Tess.
Oh, Tess? Yes? I have a question.
-Ok.
-It's a personal question.
-Well -It's just that Well Oh, heck! It's gonna sound like I'm hitting on you, but I'm not.
I'm happily married, I got kids, the house of Cosby a little bit.
My wife -Minnie's- brother, Roger Great guy, lawyer, got his own bongo hole.
He is single and I just know that he would love to meet someone like you.
That's very sweet, but I have a boyfriend.
Okay, okay.
Of course you do! Forget I asked.
Nice guy? -Very nice.
-Good.
'cause you deserve nice! Excited? -Sure! -What? Excuse me? I'm sorry, I thought I picked up something on the way you said "sure".
-No offence, I'm not comfortable -I'm sorry.
It's just that I have conversations like this everyday in my work, as a couple's therapist.
Twenty years experience, practice, the whole grid.
-You're a couple's therapist? -Dr Morris Goodlove.
Don't say it, I've heard them all.
Now, I sensed that you wanted to talk about something, but maybe I was wrong.
This one over here, that's Roux, right? Excuse me.
Dr Goodlove -May I ask you a question? -Certainly.
It's very hard for me.
I love my boyfriend very much.
But there is -one thing about him.
-What is it? I shouldn't really No, no, no! You should.
Of course you should.
He's afraid of something, isn't he? What is it? Please, Tess help me help you.
Actually we're having sexual problems.
You know, this is none of my business! I have to tell someone.
Our sex is so horrible! He's just not in there! It's so boring and dignifying! -It's like pilgrim sex! -No! No, no! I know I need more! I need to be ravaged like a wild beast! -Alright.
-I want him to talk dirty to me and treat me like a naugthy little girl, a toy! Like my toys! Toys? Oh, "toys"! Maybe I need counseling.
You definitely need something! Can I come by your office? -It's in New Jersey.
-But you said it's in Park Avenue.
-Are you calling me a liar? -No, no! We cannot enter into a relationship with this lack of trust.
Good day! -Dr Goodlove? -Have a good day! She just kept talking and talking.
It was horrible! She actually used the term "pilgrim sex"? I think pilgrim chicks are hot! They are! My senior class went to Colonial Williamsburg.
I filled up the canon deeper.
Have you ever been anywhere where you didn't fill someone up? Basketball camp.
Oh, no.
Wait! So how are you gonna tell him? Maddie, I'm not gonna tell him.
What's the matter with you? He's your friend.
He's not my friend! We occasionally work together.
Hey, hey, come on! If he is not your friend, then maybe I'm not your friend either! I'm just the guy who types for you, you know.
Makes your coffee answers your phone.
dinner every night then sometimes, we just stay up late talk.
I love you, man! -Jake? -Yeah.
-Hugging.
-Right.
Ok.
Now, let's just stop talking about this.
If you don't tell Henry what you know, she's gonna end dumping him.
Good.
Then maybe she will find the twisted leather nut-job she's been looking for! -And what about him? -He will be fine! The world is full of women who don't wanna have sex! He will have his heart broken.
You have to tell him.
How? How the hell do you tell a guy he's terrible in bed? Listen.
First, you fill up his ego.
You know, compliment him about his hair or his clothes and then you work it naturally into a conversation.
Like, you're at brunch.
And you say "Look at how the lots just raise there on the plain".
"Which reminds me!" -Hey.
-Hey! Henry! You look nice! -Great shirt! -Have you lost weight? -Is your hair getting thicker? -Time to go.
Cold bastard! -What was that about? -I have no idea.
Ian, I know I overreacted about the whole train thing.
And I guess it was kinda funny and sort of things friends do.
We are not friends! So this is because I wouldn't tell you about my girlfriend? -Ok.
What do want to know? -Nothing.
I don't wanna know.
-What if I showed you what I got her? -Not interested.
Flannel sheets.
Why don't you just get her a bonnet and a loop? What are you talking about? These are Ralph Lauren! Look at that thread count! Your girlfriend does not want flannel sheets! -Yes, she does.
-Ok! Good luck with them! The other night, she was hinting that it was cold in the bedroom.
For God's sake! Henry Tess wants greasy sex and you're lousy in bed! It's a nice tie! Wait.
I shoud have said that first.
What are you talking about? I spooked your little Tess.
When? -At that Art gallery, this afternoon.
-How did you? You hit "redial"! That is the most despicable invasion of my privacy, Ian! Believe me, Henry if I knew what part of my brain your sex life was stored in I'd go in there myself and cut it out with a melon scoop! I don't understand.
How did this subject come up? People seem to open up to me.
I said "Hello", she said she needed to be ravaged like a wild beast.
You really must be enjoying yourself! -Believe me, Henry, I'm not.
-It's embarassing.
I hope you had the decency to tell her Oh my God! My hair doesn't look thicker! -Henry -No, no! Don't "Henry" me, Mister! We no longer have a personal relationship.
We no longer have a professional relationship.
As far as I'm concerned, I hope I'll never see you again! What do I do? Where's that melon scoop? Where's that frickin' melon scoop? She says I don't satisfy her sexually? Ah, what do I do? Don't you have someone else you can talk to about this? That's exactly what I wanna do, tell another person that I stink in bed! I need your help! Alright, alright! Okay.
Henry The next time you Maybe you should try And be sure you Okay? You just told me to steal second.
Damn! Alright.
First thing you gotta do is return the flannel.
Okay.
I could give them to my mother.
Oh! That should have been the clue, right? Then you gotta try buy some gifts -that are a little more adventurous.
-Ok.
And she wants to be called dirty names.
You know what I mean? You mean, like "harlet"? Kelly Newburry.
She didn't find me boring sexually.
No, sir.
We did it right there, on the golf course at her parents' counrty club.
From the "blue tease".
I don't even know what that means.
Don't explain! Alright, Henry.
There you are.
-Good luck.
-Where are you going? -Home.
-You can't leave me here! Haven't I done enough? I gave you a list of dirty names, I found many places like this in the phonebook, I went with you to the first one.
Which happened to be a cat groomer.
We all make mistakes.
Come on.
I've never shopped at a store like this before.
I've never shopped at a store like this, either! Mister Stark.
Have no idea who this man is.
It is you, Ian Stark! I love your book! Ian Stark, the famous author, in my store! You, you! Take a picture of me and Ian Stark! -No, I don't -I'm excited! I'm gonna put it all over the rest, so everybody sees it! Ian Stark! Ian Stark, what are you looking for? It's not for me.
It's for him.
You are friends, hah? Well, I'll just let you two shop.
You are a very lucky man! Come on, Henry! Get your stuff and let's get outta here! Alright.
Alright.
She wants to be ravaged like a wild beast? A little massage oil! Yeah! I'll get oh, and a candle! A red light bulb! Well, she asked for it! Henry, this is not what she asked for.
She Then what dou you think I should get her? Hold on.
-Excuse me.
-Yes, Ian Stark! Yeah, that's me, that's me.
Listen, do you have anything a little more I don't know Kinky? You want the kinky? The kinky is downstairs.
Downstairs? There's a downstairs? Oh, no! No, no, no! I'm not going downstairs! -Henry.
-No, no! -Tess is a downstairs kind of girl! -No, I -It's locked.
-Don't worry, I'll buzz you in! Ian Stark's friend is coming down! Hey, Tess.
-Hi, Henry! How was your day? -Great.
How was yours? Busy.
Very busy! -We actually sold three paintings.
-That's exciting! -Where's Tess? -Tess! Henry is here! Henry? Where have you been? -Doin' last minute shopping.
-Oh! -What are they? -Oh, you'll find out! Happy anniversary, baby! What's the matter with you? Sweety, I've got a little rocket in my pocket! You got a what? Have fun you two! Oh, we will! Tess, Tess! Have you been a bad little girl? I did have a bad cheesecake at lunch, if that's what you mean.
Well, it looks good on you! This whole frickin' day is just a torture! Come on, admit it.
You feel good about what you did, the errand.
Maddie.
My photo is on a porno-store wall, next to 50 pictures of Charlie Sheen! You know, those kinds of store I just don't get it.
You know Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but if two people really love each other they use what's in the house.
Honey, you know those oven mitts I lent you? Keep them.
Wait a minute.
-What? -Wait a minute.
That's her.
That's Tess.
Doctor Goodlove? Doctor Goodlove? -Ah, Miss? -Busy! What are you doing here? What am I doing here? What are you doing here? -Excuse me? -What happened with Henry? Henry who? McNeeley.
Oh! You must think I'm the other Tess! How did you know about Henry? There's another Tess? We work together at the gallery.
There are two Tesses? Yeah! What are the odds of that, huh? Not good.
Not good at all! Oh, this is my boyfriend.
Bill.
Oh God! Bill.
Henry.
Did you know there are two Tesses? I mean what are the odds of that? Would you pick that up, please? No.
I mean what kind of a sick pervert would get you these things for anniversary? I wanted flannel sheets.
You didn't call your mother, did you? No.
I called your mother.
When he took out that leash I thought I was getting a puppy! Two Tesses.
I mean that's just crazy! Henry.
Yes? Your mother would like to speak to you.
I have to go now.
Two Tesses!