Stath Lets Flats (2018) s01e02 Episode Script

1
Stath, perfect to meet you.
And what, just to begin with,
I think something nice
about this property
is you've sort of got a thing
like the moon up there.
Whichjust makes me feel
like I'm always being looked out for.
Oh, God, it's really good.
Erm, Michael & Eagle Lettings.
It is a nice kitchen yeah,
but we should,
we'll have a quick look
at the rest of it,
so I'll take you through to the bedroom.
That isn't a door, that's not a door.
That is What is that?
Sort of a wobbly wall.
Which I like,
which I like a lot actually.
Good to just have that there
for a quick wobble.
Where is the bedroom?
That's too much,
that's a toilet not a bedroom.
That is obviously not a bedroom,
that is a shower,
and that leads directly
onto the kitchen.
- It's a nice kitchen.
- OK, we've got a sandwich on the shelf.
Wow-wow-wow.
Sometimes it's annoying
to just have windows on the walls,
so you canjust like see
what's going on outside your house,
and that's why we popped one up
on the ceiling and only one
on the ceiling.
From there you can see everything
in the sky
Oh, and she's opened!
You've been here before!
How did you do that? Honestly.
That's about as far as it goes, but
And that's the bedroom!
Yes!
It's very small.
But it's really just a case
of wriggling in.
Are you OK?
Yeah, fine. It's this bloody thing.
- Oh, that's knocked the table again.
- All right.
And it's got everything nearby,
you've got your bedroom,
you could just lie back onto your bed.
Or you can have a quick shower
if you get a bit sweaty from the food
or you can pop to the toilet and have
All right. Stop doing that.
And it's 520 a month, right?
No, it's, er, 830, bless you.
Where did you get 520 from?
Bless you.
It says it on your website,
and on your brochure,
that's why I'm here.
That's our old price though,
does it say underneath like "old price"?
How am I supposed
to afford 830 quid?
How?
Who can do that?
I can't keep travelling
from Norwich to work,
I need a flat in London.
It shouldn't be this hard,
And I shouldn't be having
to talk to a wanker like you!
Do you want that sandwich?
I'm, I'm totally on your side, you know,
I'm not the landlord,
but erm, yeah, it doesn't matter
if it's humans or animals.
It shouldn't be on the walls
of the property.
You hungry? You want a pistachio?
Don't ask me questions
so quickly Sophie,
- I haven't got my tippy toe in the room.
- Did you let the flat?
It's very rude to ask people
about their day.
No, it's not, it's lovely!
Did you let the flat?
No! So, thank you.
Can I talk to someone who knows
how to have a real conversation please?
There's my guy! James Bond!
Slaow, slaow, slaow!
Psh, psh, psh.
You areJames Bond!
I'm nothing likeJames Bond.
But you know, I, I
It's not a lifestyle I'd be opposed to,
you know, I'd love the opportunity
for international travel.
I'd love to see France.
How was the viewing?
Pointless. She just bloody screamed for
20 minutes and then didn't even take it.
You know what I mean?
What am I supposed to do?
Oh, um, wellyou know,
I think you should just keep going, and,
do some more viewings
Bloody hell,
that's good advice
Thank you.
- Crack!
- You all right, team?
OK.
Ding-aling.
Brown dry wipe please, Al.
15, 20, 21, in a month!
- Whoo!
- Whoo!
Stath, I'm going to have to smear
your line darling, all right to smear?
- Smear your bloody head off.
- Done it now. Right.
Carole, lovely tweet
from this morning's viewing just in.
Oh, no!
Someone's tweeted, have they?
All right Vas.
What is it?
"Thank you Carole, dream flat found,
funniest viewing ever too.
"P.S Drain town."
Yeah, that's what it was.
She'd gone to Drayton for the weekend
and she hated it and I said,
"Yeah, more like drain town."
- She didn't know what to do!
- I don't know what to do.
What a lovely twitter, drain town,
Carole the chief champion.
Anyone done a tweet about me?
Um, is this you?
@MichaelandEagle
"Your tall agent held my hand
very tightly when I tried to leave."
Oh that guy!
Idiot. He tried to run away
before I told him
about how I become a letting agent.
That's the thing about me,
Marcus, you know,
I will take a compliment
and I'll enjoy it.
I'll use it as an opportunity
to better myself.
I take compliments very seriously.
Stupid arsehole idiot.
You just called me
a stupid arsehole idiot to my face.
Yeah, sorry. No.
In my head, I was sure
you had turned around.
That is bad.
I hadn't.
- Dad, just
- I am on telephone.
Oh, sorry.
- Sorry but you're not on the
- It's hands free.
Right, no I just want to tell you that
I got perfect feedback
from my customer this morning.
Um, she was very sad and I cheered her
with a meal, a sandwich.
Did you let it?
Er, not at this case in time, no.
To be honest, I think she
was a drug addict, so we don't
Oh, my God, is Sophie doing the sticks?
Yeah, you're taking me.
What?
You drive your sister nicely, do sticks.
No, I actually don't want to do sticks.
- I want to do viewings.
- Sticks!
Can you move out of my way, please?
I'm helping her.
Don't make me hold one
until we are outside, all right?
Do you stink?
Bloody hell.
- No, it's Jennifer Lopez smell.
- Al, smell Sophie.
Why do you have to say
everything for everyone?
I'm not sure I have time, Stath.
- I have to put some sugar in my
- Right.
That is the bloody You've got
the bloody guff of cigarettes on you!
I hope you die in it
and at your funeral,
I'll sing a song
about you being an idiot.
Ooh, woof man!
What is that my back on don't crack me!
Out Stathi, help Sophia!
- Wonderful to see you, Alistair.
- Ah, thank you very much.
- Let me.
- Careful, be careful, careful of me!
Oh, my God,
I'm being so delicate, Carole.
What are you doing
just clicking the Internet?
Er, well, no,
I've just got a tweet from a landlord
on Greenberries Road
describing me as very helpful.
What? Hang on, we got another flat
on Greenberries Road?
How come she gets it?
It's the most elegant road
since 10 Downing Street.
Which is why I get to let it, because
I've been referred to as very helpful,
whereas you have been described
as "Greek and dangerous".
Oh, my God,
that is obviously about Dean!
How's it about me? Are you mad?
Shouting boy,
you let nice amount
of properties like Carole,
you get to let nice properties
like Carole.
Look at this situation, man,
it's a topsy turvey.
Swearing.
Look, I could do a let
of a nice flat like Carole,
but I'm getting given sticks.
How am I going to let
two people into a stick
unless they're stood on top
of each other all skinny.
Innit, Al?
Oh, God, yes. Thank you.
I swear for when Dd retires
and I take over,
I'm going to need better experience
than watching
my reeking sister plonk around
with some wood.
I didn't ask to plonk, did I?
Anyway, how do you know
you're going to take over?
You're not the only man in London.
Sorry, is that what we're letting?
Yeah, it's modern, innit?
Oi, here's something funny.
This sign looks like a flag, innit?
"Hello, Your Majesty."
Actually that is very funny.
Hello, Dad.
- Ithoughtaboutwhatyousaid.
- Tell dad about myjoke.
You wanted nice viewing
on Greenberries Road, like Carole, yeah?
Yeah, why?
Not why,
I got you a flat on Greenberries Road.
Nicegarden flatforyou.
A garden flat on Greenberries?
Are you Micky the tricky?
I'll let that in like ten seconds
if it's got a garden.
Bravo. OK, don't let me down, yeah?
Yeah, no, no, amazing, amazing, yeah.
Do the sticks, please, Sophie, love you!
You'll get in the garden
and you're going to say to yourself,
"Oh, my Lord,
I'm in the garden of Eden."
Can you not park this here, please?
I'm doing viewings.
They'll think people
with disgusting cars live here.
Don't walk toward me and say that!
Anyway, what's so nice
about your red Smethwicks car?
Red, red, bloody wine.
Can you just put a sheet over it
or something?
No, can you clean
the smack off of yours?
I don't know what you mean by that.
What, you don't know what?
Are you stupid? You didn't go to school?
Are you mad?
Hey!
Are you, do you Michael,
Michael & Eagle lettings?
Yeah, sorry I just smacked his car,
we were just being a little bit
threatening with each other.
Missyou!
Beautiful language.
Thank you.
Oh, hey!
Oh, you put up all the signs!
That's a That's a good result.
Good, yeah.
I had to sling most of them
in the canal actually
'cause I couldn't carry them on my own,
so I've just come back to get some more.
Oh, cool. How are you going carry those
if you couldn't before?
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, I have to sit here
dealing with all these complaints.
You know
"My flat's too cold,
where's my door gone?"
You know, and it's up to old muggins
to try and sort it out.
Sometimes I just want to go 'F' off!
Owee, Al!
- You should though, you should.
- I shouldn't have said that.
No, what you think so?
Yeah, and you can also say, "Shut up!"
Can you imagine?
- "Shut up."
- God, enough.
God, I'd feel like Superman.
"Just, shut up!"
- So we've got Sarah and Mitchel.
- Oh, no, so, sorry, so, I'm Alice.
Alice! Which is having a baby.
Pinch for good luck!
No and this is my dude
- Tristan.
- This is Crispin?
Like crisps.
- No, with a T.
- No, crisps is with a C.
OK, number 22, let's get in there.
That's number 7, you idiot, that's
I know, I'm telling them,
I'm showing them the area.
So you've got here, here,
here, here, here, here, here.
And let's go see number 22.
You've got a lovely big bump,
haven't you?
- Don't touch that.
- No, I'm just saying.
Careful, you don't want to get
ploughed into by a car!
You worked hard on getting that going,
I reckon.
How many How long did it take?
As in, as in how many
To be honest, I'm going to whip you
through all this
because the inside
of the flat is spectacular
but the outside truly
is a absolutely garden.
Um, you could even have a garden birth!
Sounds mad obviously but I'd
People do birth
in a very strange places.
I saw a thing about a woman,
gave birth into a bottle.
OK, let's get you outside.
Welcome to the garden of an Eden.
What? No?
Oh, dear.
Do you mind, do you mind going away,
for ages?
Dad!
I can't keep leaving messages man,
the last tenants left it
like a filth out here.
There's a oven
that's covered in a ladder.
Aljust picked up a brick
and there's some salad underneath it.
- Oh, it's fine.
- OK call me back.
Love you. Al, I'm sorry man!
Bloody getting a gentleman like you
to do this.
It's like asking a prince
to touch a toilet.
Oh, no, I'm not, I'm not like a prince.
I do have a huge amount of respect
for the royal family.
All right, yeah.
Prince William really has his head
screwed on.
Crispian and his big wife are gonna
be here in about three hours,
so we've got to get it clear by then.
Look at this.
Hey Al!
Fine, thanks, yeah, how are you doing?
What! Eh
Have you seen how much cruck
there is on the floor,
putting more cruck on it?
Tsk, man, I'm tired,
you left me lonely with the sticks.
I've haven't even had an egg
for energy or nothing.
Pooo, it's mucky ducks
around here, innit?
Yeah, it's a dirty mystery.
Did you bring anything
to help like I asked?
Oh, perfect.
Panagia mou!
Dad. Dad, I've been calling and calling.
Did you get my messages?
Yes, I was tired.
Are you being a good boy?
Did you let the flat?
Yeah, the garden's a wretch,
I need you to send someone
to come and clear it.
I've only got Al, God rest his soul.
Oh, hi, Stath.
Is that Carole, why is she there?
Just in your dad's office showing him
how to use Twitter.
Oh, scrum off!
Dad, send someone to help me clear it.
So, in this one, they're basically
just saying that I wowed them.
Dad! Dad!
You do it, it's your property.
If you don't do it, it's OK
we just send Carole tomorrow to let it.
- No, I will but
- Bye, bye. Iloveyou.
Dad Oh!
Dirty like a poo isn't it!
Well, I wouldn't say that.
Sophie, that was a horrible phone call.
Sorry.
Piff this!
Sophie, call a company on your phone
to help clear up.
Hey!
Why are you taking photos of Al?
Bloody hell, look, get one of me
and Al then get on with it.
- Right.
- Nice.
Call the company.
Are you showing Al? Stop it!
Let me see, that is really nice!
- Yeah, it's nice.
- Now, call the company.
- All right, yeah, Karina, is that right?
- Hiya, Yes.
Good, good start.
Nicejacket by the way, the Fonz!
Where are these people
you booked for the garden?
They're late, innit?
- Yes. I know that, that's why I'm
- Stath?
What?
It's like they're late
for school, innit?
Are you going to give them detention?
What a ridiculous suggestion.
You're very, very funny today, Sophie.
Oi, it's the champion of the people!
Um, I actually haven't had lunch and
Sophie mentioned something about an egg?
Is there an egg?
Is this them?
Midlow and Son.
Bloody hell, they look good, Sophie.
Well done.
OK, yeah.
Oh, my God, look how old he is!
Are you
How's he going to move a garden?
I don't know, he could be wise?
Are you here for the garden?
Have you brought your son with you
or something?
What?
Dad!
Wheelbarrow's fucking knackered.
Shut up, Peter.
Look at the state of this!
Look, look, he'sjust picking it up
and then he puts it down
on exactly the same spot.
They're well old, innit?
- The dad's about 50.
- Fifty!
He's about a thousand!
It's like I'm watching a documentary.
Excuse me, sir, very gently,
are you going to hurry up a bit?
It's been like 25 minutes.
It will take as long as it
As long as it gets.
Right, thank you very much.
Did you see how red his head just went?
It was like a completely red head,
it's unbelievable.
Christ!
Are you mad?
Why have you put those there?
I've got barbecue water
all over the floor.
That's paraffin.
You want to set fire to us all?
Well, yeah, maybe I do if you don't take
this all away very nicely, please.
I want to let this flat today.
- Is he dead?
- Who?
Oh, my God. Yeah, now, excuse me, sir,
nowyour dad is being dead or something.
He's 91, for God's sake,
just let him rest!
I'm not letting him have a bloody rest,
am I!
Excuse me!
Wake up, sir, there's work to do!
- Piss off!
- Crumbs!
- Bloody hell! Crumbs!
- What a shock!
Right. OK.
- Don't you dare!
- Sorry.
Do you want me
to whack you with that ladder?
No, obviously I don't want you
to whack me with the ladder.
Right, I'm absolutely terrified
from you now, aren't I!
So, I can't stay in the garden, can I?
Al, come with me,
Sophie, finish clearing the garden.
- Sorry, Sophie.
- What?
Where can I piss?
I'm going to beat the shit out
of that old man and his old son.
God, I mean they are such a rude,
rude, firm
Yeah, unbelievable
You know, someone should be informed
about them, so.
That's just, I love that your
The way with words,
the wayyou said that;
- Thank you.
- "Someone's got to be informed."
Thanks, I'm actually
still really hungry.
Do you think we could we get a sandwich
or something?
How many viewings
have Smethwicks had today?
Oh, loads.
Yeah, and how many have I had?
I think it was just one.
It is just one, isn't it?
- One viewing.
- Yeah.
That's disgraceful, innit?
I should've got more than one, innit?
Ah, no, no, no, you know,
I think you should have
I think you should have just got one.
Don't touch my window
when you've been grudging with dirt.
We're off. Dad's cold.
How are you going to pay us?
I'm not paying you, you've done nothing.
Even if you do finish,
I'm not paying you, I hate you.
Dad and me have come
all the way from Gurnham.
$80 now, cash.
You know what?
You're going to clean the garden,
yeah, now.
I don't have any cash on me,
when your done, I'll give you 40 quid.
I'm taking you to a cashpoint!
- Dad! Get in the van!
- Get off me.
This is outrageous, Peter!
Please, Peter!
I'm Mr. Midlow to you!
- Get in the van!
- Peter!
Al, finish the garden.
Christ!
- Bloody hell.
- Get in!
- I'm trying to get in the car.
- And watch my bleeding steering wheel.
I don't get why we had
to came out so far,
there are cashpoints near the flat.
It's been like an hour,
I could have watched
a bloody murder mystery in this time.
I live round here,
I know where the cashpoints are.
Right, well,
you live in a shit area, mate.
I mean where are we,
is it bloody Leicester or something?
Stop it!
Oarden working all the day
Oh, no, I think
I've left my card back at the flat.
What?
Yeah, I think,
we got to go back and get it
What a No!
Did you just chuck your card out
the window?
No, I chucked my phone
out the window, Peter!
What! Why?
Because, I thought it was my card,
didn't I, I had them both in my hands.
Can we go back and get my phone,
please, man?
So, you still have your card then?
Yes, I still have my card!
Can we go back and get my phone,
please, Peter?
Peter?
You are not going back to get it,
are you?
It's unforgivable!
Oh! Fuck!
See, making me wake your dad up as well.
- I wasn't asleep!
- Why are you defending that?
No one cares.
We are past that part of the argument.
Enough!
He's acting like we're in divine love
with his head on my shoulder.
- Yeah.
- It's a bit better, isn't it?
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely.
I mean, it's the same but, er,
there's been a lot of movement,
you know,
we've moved a lot of stuff around, so.
Do you think we could just chuck it
into next door's garden?
That's a good idea!
It is fun to chuck stuff though, innit?
Oh, yeah, sometimes I just want to chuck
everything I own out of my house!
See what that would look like!
What the hell!
Oh! Al!
You know,
sometimes you've just got to
Argh!
Oh, my God!
See what happens
- That was amazing!
- Yeah!
I should probably go and get that,
I shouldn't have
I really shouldn't have done that.
I'll keep a look out!
What for?
I don't know!
Don't know!
Oh, Christ!
Oop Ow!
Oh, are you OK?
Yeah, fine, thanks.
It's worse.
Where's Al?
Oh, is that Stath?
I'll just come round in a sec!
- OK, hope you're well.
- Where've you been?
I've been calling and calling.
I wanted to ask you
how we should clear it.
How will you call me
when I chucked my phone out the window?
- Why did you do that?
- Innit!
I had to get six buses back
and no one wanted to chat to me.
Do you want a pistachio?
Yes, very much.
I feel like, I know
I'm really very good at everything,
but when I do it, yeah, Sophie,
it's like an awful situation.
- Nearly done it, filled it with shells.
- Why are you showing me that?
I just said something very sad.
Lift me up!
Oh. I don't know.
Well done for letting the flat.
- I didn't let a flat though, did I?
- Hey!
Oh, I've never been happy
to see anyone in my life.
There are some people outside
who have a viewing.
Argh!
Stressful, innit?
- What is that?
- Oi, I'm addicted to those!
Dung off!
Er, sorry, Clintian and Yep.
- It's Alice.
- Um
There isn't going to be a viewing.
It's cancelled, 'cause, er,
the rubbish in the garden
is still apparent, in around, yeah.
Ah, yeah, no, that's fine, we, yeah,
we like the We like the flat, so.
- What?
- Yeah, well,
we wouldn't be moving in
for a few weeks,
so, it'll be clear by then, right?
Yeah.
Aw, this is nice, isn't it?
The only thing is we didn't get
to properly look at the garden;
- can we see how big it is?
- Yes.
Oh, yes, yes!
Comejust to look at it, yeah, yeah.
Oh, come on, mummy and daddy!
So do you have a name picked out
for the little tyke or?
Oh, yeah,
we actually like David.
David!
Much better name than his name.
So, the garden is still
a little bit of a twisty pickle,
but you've got to just use
your imagination
to think what it could look like
'cause it could look very nice,
it's just a mess at the moment.
- You know what I mean?
- Yeah.
- We just want to get a sense of it.
- OK, let's get inside.
OK, if you'd like to follow me.
Come on, quick quick!
Down the path.
Oh, not too quick, careful of David.
Do you, do you need to call someone?
- Yeah, I think.
- Oh, yes!
Yeah. Call someone.
OK, back off to your house where
- you live now, it's quite safe there.
- What's going on?
- Bye!
- Stath?
- What's going on?
- Yeah.
I think it's really picking up!
I think, I think we should call
I'm just going to call someone now.
Yeah, I think call somebody.
Did you let it already?
No, it's on fire instead.
Fire? In the garden?
Yeah, probably the house now as well.
Right, let's get out of here.