Stella (2012) s01e02 Episode Script

Hey, we can't all be like you and Dai, most people aren't at it three times a week.
Six.
Do I look 42 or do I look younger? I don't know, do I? You're my mother, you look like all the other mothers.
Whoa, easy tiger.
Just thought I was in with a chance, that's all.
Alright? Morning.
You're going to be a nana.
Remember Suzie Locke, she was a granny at 33, so you're ancient by her standards.
Sorry.
I was just trying to look on the There isn't a bright side.
I thought she was looking a bit porky.
How's she gonna pay for it, where are they gonna live? The whole thing is bloody ridiculous.
It's not what your mum said to you though, is it? No.
Look, no-one else knows yet.
Let the dust settle, she might even change her mind.
She's definitely keeping it.
OK.
So you've got a few months to get used to it then.
Got to be happy for her, Stel.
Emma's your daughter.
Them's the rules.
Yeah.
It'll be alright, won't it? Of course it will, you idiot.
What Is that a tail? Yeah, me and Dai were I don't want to know.
No.
This is meant to be milk, isn't it? It's not, flour and egg.
I've seen Nana Meg do it.
Look.
That's gross, that is.
No, it's not.
Hello? Hiya.
Why you up so early for? Mum, Emma's having a baby.
Emma! I thought you weren't gonna say.
I had to tell him, he's my brother.
Ben, you're not to say anything to no-one, alright? Promise? Yeah.
Can I flip it over now? No, it's not ready.
Leave that a minute, is it? I want to tell you something.
OK.
Right, wait till it's gone brown.
OK.
OK, well, I've had a think and I've talked to your Auntie Paula and the most important thing for now is that we don't panic.
I'm not panicking.
There's nothing to be scared about.
I'm not scared, I'm excited.
Yeah? Right.
Well, the next most importantest thing Most important.
Shush, Ben.
The other important thing is that we keep it to ourselves.
We don't need no-one else to know about it for the time being.
Don't tell your father, certainly don't tell Nadine and don't breathe a word of it to Nana Meg or Gumpa.
Ben knows and Auntie Paula knows.
That's not the point Hang on.
Fucking hell, Stel.
Can you believe it? Where is she? Where's my clever little girl? I'm not wearing no make-up, I look bleak as a sheep.
But as soon as we heard, we had to come over.
I just feel so emotional.
Ta-da! My God.
Hiya.
I had to, he's my father.
I knew you was at it.
I said you were, didn't I? Yeah, he did.
But we never thought you'd catch.
Catch? She takes after my sister, she does.
She caught first time with all four of hers.
How could she take after your sister? You're not related.
- Like hamster, she is.
- Mum, do you want a pancake? Not now, Ben.
Karl, don't you think we should talk about this? She's still at school.
Not for much longer.
That's the beauty of it.
Solves all that shit with college and shit.
Gonna be a mummy now, isn't she? Job in itself.
You always say that yourself.
What are you gonna call it? By rights, you should call him Karl, he'll be the first grandchild.
My God.
I'm gonna be a granddad.
That's stunning, that is! Where is she? Well done, kid.
We're thrilled to bits, all three of us.
Thanks.
Where to did you get them balloons? Your nana blew them herself.
"To hell with the emphysema," she said.
Have you got a corkscrew? Don't need a corkscrew for champagne.
Alright.
It's a Sunday morning.
Come on, bit over the top, isn't it? Don't listen to her, Karl, I'll have one.
And me.
You're not having one, you're pregnant.
Lighten up, man.
Not every day you get to be a granny.
I'll get it.
These pancakes taste like envelope.
Gonna have an house full, isn't she, Karl? They'll be welcome over ours any time.
If we have two, we'll move the sunbed into the shed, I'd do that for them in a heartbeat.
Here's Sunil! Congratulations, boy.
Yes! Who's the daddy, who's the daddy? Shut up, Karl.
What's the matter? It's my parents.
They went proper mental.
His mum was wailing and everything.
Wailing? Yeah, well, it's a big shock for us all.
It's gonna take time to get used to it.
I know, he's gonna have to stay here for a bit.
Till they calm down.
Is that alright with you? - Yeah, I suppose so.
- Stunning.
- I'll have to pump up the lilo.
- What? He's not going on the lilo, he'll be in with me.
I'm sorry, I'm not happy with that.
Stable door and horse, love.
Let's get on it.
Morning, Ben.
Wednesday today.
On for training tonight? Little Al's coming, isn't he? Ben! Sandwiches.
Thanks.
I hear congratulations are in order, Mrs Morris.
Who told you? How long is Sunil gonna stay? He ate all the Coco Pops this morning.
Just a few days, I expect.
He's fallen out with his mother.
Whole family has stopped talking to him, so Nadine says.
Nadine can mind her own business.
I've been having a think about your situation.
I'm fine, honest.
I've decided to offer you some work.
Bit of ironing.
Won't be much but it all helps.
Extra mouths to feed with Sunil living there.
He hasn't actually moved in.
Then the baby.
That's another mouth.
Really kind of you, but we're alright Tonight would be good, before rugby.
I'll have it ready for you.
Just a couple of shirts, it is.
Alright, Rhi? Hiya, Stel.
God, fantastic cocking news about you and Emma.
Made up for you I was when I heard.
Yeah, well, early days.
She's strong as a cocking ox, love.
That's the good thing about starting them young, see.
Healthy as, like my Lady G.
Lady G? My middle one, Lady Gaga.
She didn't like Britney no more so she cocking changed it.
Them three are hers.
The rest are Darren's.
Right.
Tell you what, you are gonna love being a nana.
There's nothing cocking like it.
Oi, Callum! Get back bastard here! Nana's talking to her friend! Right, I'd better get this lot off to school.
Learn them some cocking sums.
God.
Hello again.
Alright? Now, are you sure you can get this done in time? I must have them back Friday by six.
I got nine people coming to dinner.
They'll need to be starched.
OK.
I hear your daughter's expecting.
What?! You people, honestly.
Lovely, isn't she? Here she is.
- Old granny Morris.
- Yeah, you're hilarious Sorry, presh.
You know the whole bloody town knows about it, don't you? It's exciting, that's why.
She in? Aye.
Door's on the latch.
Mrs Boyce? Bopa Boyce? It's Stella, the ironing girl.
I got your sheets and things, love.
What's that? I've got your washing, all nice and ironed.
What's that? It's your ironing! Take it away, not interested.
Bopa Boyce, is this my money? By the way, police have been on.
They found the hearse.
Bringing it back this arvo.
That's a bit of good news at least.
Where to did they find it? Porthcawl apparently.
On the seafront.
It's a voucher for anti-freeze.
Dai, when did my life get so shit? Can anyone tell me what the word 'legitimate' means? Not stolen? No, Alex Rhys.
If you are legitimate, it means your parents are married.
Not that anyone cares these days.
But back in Henry VIII's day, it was very important that the heir to the throne was not A bastard, Miss? Illegitimate, Ben Morris.
My sister says my brother Luke was a bastard cos his dad didn't marry my mother.
My mum says my dad's a bastard, Miss.
That's why she married Keith.
Well, Ben, why don't you come up here and tell us all about your family.
Then we can put the information into a family tree.
It will want to change the oil and replace the fan belt.
If it's not that, then you're knackered.
Thanks, Marj.
Why aren't you in school? He's revising, I'm helping him.
Doing an A-level in Jeremy Kyle now, are you? Hey, we're watching that! Spoken to your parents yet, it's been four days.
Don't talk to him like that.
They're really upset.
We're going round there, sort this out proper.
No way.
Yes way, I've had enough.
You don't understand.
Don't.
We already been back to see them.
They want us to get married.
Don't be ridiculous.
You're not getting married.
I knew you'd be like this.
That's why I had to say no.
If it wasn't for me, you'd say yes? Maybe.
I don't know.
But they said if we did, they'll give us the flat over the shop.
A whole flat, Mum.
They just use it for storing stuff at the moment.
Once we decorate it, it will be really nice.
Listen to you both, it's not a game.
It's not Ken and Barbie.
Having a baby is massive enough, getting married on top of that is just mental.
It's too much, you're too young.
Tanisha said it'd be better for us.
It would make us stronger.
Did she now? Yeah, and she said I could become a Hindu if I wanted.
Let's get this straight, you're not getting married and you're not turning Hindu.
Racist! Childish! Got any more Coco Pops, Stel? I'm not a racist, alright? Now, Ben is gonna be an uncle.
That means Ben's sister Emma is A slapper.
No, Ben's sister Emma is having a baby.
That means the family tree gets a new branch.
That's right.
But, Ben also has a half brother Luke who is In prison.
No, single.
We don't know that for definite, one of the other prisoners might be his bitch.
Bloody surfers.
There is simply no respect for the dead any more.
Like a knife to his heart, Paula.
I heard him.
I do like it, I do.
It looks ridiculous.
Got some proper oomph now.
You don't need oomph in a hearse.
Goes four bloody miles an hour.
It's happening all over these days, Daddy.
The only chance half these kids get to drive something decent.
The real deal, aren't they? Your Daimlers and your Mercs.
It's not a Merc, it's a Ford Granada.
Give Dai a hand, get it back shipshape.
I got a home visit to do.
Yeah, that's him.
Wife died Tuesday.
Tell you what we'll do, get rid of the wave.
I wouldn't mind keeping hold of the exhaust.
And the wetsuits.
I get you, it's a family tree.
But you've got to make it interesting, is it? Yeah, I was thinking of putting Banjo on there.
I know who the father is, definite.
That little Jack Russell from Llinfy Street.
That dog has had more strays than your Auntie Paula had lager tops.
He's been with every bitch this side of Treorchy.
Mrs Morris.
I think getting married would be a big mistake.
Well, yes.
I have a wife already.
I'll put the kettle on.
What? You actually played rugby for Wales? Aye, back in the day.
I was there when the mine collapsed, of course.
Were you.
Yep.
Ask your nana.
I rescued three men.
Scrabbled through the coal, I did, with my own bare hands.
Gumpa, they're not expecting big, exciting stories in this project.
Carried them to safety.
I've just got to say who was who's father and mother and that.
And what they did for a job.
Aye.
You can tell them about the rescue.
I got a medal for it and all.
Right.
Come on, boy.
It's not the baby that's a problem.
I'm quite excited now at the thought of being a grandparent.
Really? I could have waited a bit longer to be honest.
Yes, me too.
But now it's happened, we need to make the best of a bad situation.
Great.
We have got high hopes for Sunil, you see.
Jasminder is a bit of a lost soul.
What you on about, she's a lovely girl.
Aye, go on, and give me one of those scratchcards, will you? One with the bullfighter on.
No offence, like.
Jasminder is only interested in boys.
Sunil has got brains.
He's going to be a doctor, for God's sake.
Give us our pension.
Then your daughter goes and traps him into fatherhood.
Easy now, good girl.
Takes two to warm the chestnuts.
Of course it does, Tanisha.
Thank you, mate.
Look, we're very fond of Emma.
She's pretty.
She loves our son.
Yeah, that's not all she's got going for her, she's a bright girl.
Is she? Yes! Alright over that step, love? Aye, don't cocking worry, I've got it.
Alright, Stel? Hiya.
Got any plasters? Husband's cut his cocking wrist again.
Blood bastard everywhere.
By the cat food.
We just think it's better morally and practically, for them to get married.
Then she can support him through medical school.
Be at home with the baby, be a proper wife.
My Emma? You serious? Of course, we'd help them out.
In ways that you never could.
We'd be happy to give them the flat upstairs, for instance.
You'll only do that if they get married? That's the deal.
Right, well, thanks for the offer.
And the tea.
But I think the best thing is for you to take your deal and to stick up right up your arse because my daughter is not for sale.
I love these bastards.
You actually said the word "arse?" Yeah.
To Sunil's mother? Both of them.
I said, "right up your arse.
" Emma is gonna kill you.
Why? It's a good thing I done, she'll thank me one day, I tell you.
You were gonna marry my dad at 16.
I didn't in the end, did I? Only because he buggered off to Canada.
I'm just saying, that's all.
If he'd have stayed here, you would have done exactly what you're stopping Emma from doing now.
Nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh, clever clogs.
I can't wait for you to come home.
Don't know where you're gonna sleep, mind.
Only three months now though.
I'm counting the hours.
When you come home, you will What? Stay? Don't go getting into trouble, don't come back here again, I couldn't bear it.
Mum, I only stole a car.
Five cars.
And a lorry.
No hearses.
True.
No hearses.
"You had six brothers and sisters?" "There abouts, aye.
" Henry VIII had six wives.
Well, your uncle Barry had four.
Nana, did Gumpa really play rugby for Wales? Hiya.
In by here, Stel.
Hiya, presh.
Good day? You look worn out.
How's Luke? Excited, he is.
He would be.
A history project.
Let's have a look.
When he gets back, the reality will hit home.
He might need psychotherapy, you know.
Mum, I told you not to say nothing but you had to interfere, didn't you? Calm down.
Tanisha's really upset.
And his dad.
I'm so embarrassed.
Who's Tanisha? Sunil's mum.
You should be grateful.
Only reason they want you to get married is so you can make his tea and bring up his kids that's not you want? She's not getting married, is she? Hush a minute, mum.
Yes, it is actually.
That's what I'm gonna do and you can't stop me.
She can, you're not 18.
You could run away to Gretna Green if you want.
Shut up, Ben.
Good God.
I don't know what your grandpa is gonna say about all of this.
He'll probably say he's very happy for me.
And he'll probably say he's coming to our engagement party on Friday.
You're not serious? What engagement party? You're invited to it, and you are, Ben.
In fact, everyone is, except her.
You can stop me getting married but you won't stop me getting engaged.
I'm moving out.
Can I have her room? Stella.
I presume Melissa took the ironing board? Yes.
Actually, yes.
Come in.
Hiya, Little Alan.
Hi.
Haven't seen you up the club much watching Ben.
Turning into a right little dynamo, he is.
Well, I've had a few things on my plate, Alan.
My daughter leaving home, threatening to get married.
No doubt you're going, are you? To this engagement party.
Seems rude not to.
We'll be having a curry anyway on a Friday night so it'll save me a few pounds.
There will be a curry there, I take it? I've no idea.
Right, what do you want me to do? What ironing do you want me to do? Yeah.
Al, change out of your marrow costume, will you? But I like it.
Stella wants to iron it.
What? Won't be a sec.
OK.
Got it all ready.
Here we go.
Is that it? You got me over here for two shirts? Where's your lollipop costume? It's not a costume, it's a coat.
And it doesn't need ironing.
I might have some pants upstairs.
Don't do pants.
Health and safety.
Is that your family tree, Little Alan? Let's have a look.
I've finished it.
Alan, Alan, Alan, Alan.
Alan.
Almost everyone in your family's called Alan.
Yes.
Traditional.
I'm Little Alan.
For now, yes.
But I bet even your dad was Little Alan once.
No, I've always been Big Alan.
Cockle? Nice.
Do you want me to test you? Nah.
Shall we go to your room? We can't.
My mum's in the kitchen.
So? We're engaged, remember? She won't mind.
Yes, she will.
Shut up.
I'm revising.
Boring.
Jasminder's home in a bit, isn't she? Emma, if you've nothing to do, you can help me stuff some samosas for the party.
No, you're alright.
Terrible cook, me.
Look at this, proper pretty, isn't it? I might wear it tomorrow night.
I like the way you ride the wave, Tracey Lee.
You ride it hard and you ride it fast.
You bet your bottom dollar, Bradley Joe.
No, Fuckly, we said.
Hell yeah, Fuckly! Sorry.
Alright, not doing it for me, this one.
Suit's a bit tight.
It's your mother.
I'm coming down now, Meg! It'll be the bloody engagement party.
Right.
£5.
80 is minimum wage now? We didn't quite do the hour.
In fact, you were only here So, let's call that four pounds.
That's really generous of you.
Don't mention it.
See you at the party then? Not going, Al.
Not invited.
Well, it's a terrible position to be in, do we stand by Stella and not go and then offend Emma and the Chowlys.
Chaudhrys.
Or do we go to keep Emma happy? What does Dad say? Can't get any sense out of him.
Too wrapped up with Ben and his family tree.
What about you? Are you gonna go? You know what the answer is, get Stella to go then we'll all be one happy family.
She won't though, will she? Emma's just as bad.
Won't have her near the place.
Honest to God, who'd have girls? Boys are much easier.
You were no trouble, Dai.
Little angel, you were.
Still is sometimes.
So you taking up this proper, the surfing and what have you? They look nice on, the suits.
Yeah, they were left in the back of the hearse.
I tried surfing once.
Down Langland Bay.
Maybe if you let me steer, Alan, you push.
No point.
Not much between us weight-wise, you and me.
Charming.
Hang on, there's Emma and Jasminder.
Emma! Emma! Emma! Alright, calm down! Do you need a hand? What do you think, stupid? Don't look at me, I'm pregnant.
Let's try again.
Come on.
That's it.
Right.
Ran out of petrol, has it? No.
What is it then? I don't know, I'm not a mechanic.
Don't get arsy with me, I'm the one making conversation here unlike some people.
Making progress now you're in your stride.
You gonna sign this letter of consent so me and Sunny can get married? You know I'm not.
Why not? It's not fair.
This isn't some school trip you want to go on.
Or a pair of designer jeans you want to buy.
I'm not saying no to be mean, I'm saying no cos it's a stupid idea.
No-one else thinks so.
Dad doesn't think so.
Because your Dad's a stupid bloody man.
Why do you think I left him? I thought he left you.
That's it.
Push! Hey, Em.
Taste of things to come.
I'm not changing my mind, there's no point talking about it.
You spoil everything, you do.
I don't.
You do.
I hate you.
No, you don't.
That's it.
Whoa! As soon as I'm 18, we can marry anyway.
Great, so wait till you're 18 then.
Come on, Jas, let's go.
It's OK! I'm alright! Little Al, Daddy's alive.
"Good morning, you're listening to The Big One.
" "I don't know what you've got planned today but it is a fantastic day outside, the sun is shining.
" Emma? Yeah? Come on, we've got a lot to do today.
Alan.
I've solved your problem.
Which one? Emma or the car? The last one.
Or the fact I'm up to my eyes in debt with no real means of paying it off? The last one, the car one.
You can pay to get it fixed? No, but I've got the next best thing.
Ta-da! It was my uncle's.
Still works good as new.
You can stick the ironing in the back here.
Look, and wait for it See? I really don't know what say.
Road hog! Mum, you know tonight? Yeah.
Is it OK if I go to Emma's party? It's up to you, babes.
But is that a real "it's up to you" or a sulky one? Like when we have to decide whether to go to Dad and Nadine's for Christmas dinner? Look, Emma's cross with me, not you.
I really want you to go if you want to go.
Now wish me luck.
I've got to get to Mrs Barclay's on this thing.
Bye, mum.
See that face? Yeah? That's the colour I want to do the bathroom.
Alright? Come on.
Come on! Bollocks.
Mrs Barclay, I've had a terrible accident.
Obviously, I'll pay for any damage.
Hello.
She's out.
She's gone to pick up a chocolate fountain.
A chocolate fountain? You cycle up that hill? Yeah.
I'm not much of a judge when it comes to ironing but that looks a bit crap.
It is.
Right, you're coming with me.
Still not dry.
Don't worry.
Blimey.
Well, when it's what you do day in day out I'll drop this off for you if you like? Back to the dragon's lair.
She do fancy you, Mrs Barclay do.
No, she's just after my money.
Mum, where's my camera? Top shelf.
Don't know where he gets the energy from.
Hello.
I had an accident on the tricycle and this is My God, I don't know your name.
It's Sean.
Hiya, I'm Stella.
Alright? Haven't got jet lag, have you? Need to get that checked out.
She means whiplash, she gets them mixed up.
This is my mother, Meg.
Hiya, alright? How do you do? You laugh about it but Cheryl Cleaver's mother had it, never see her out of a neck brace.
That's cos she's on the fiddle.
Ben Mum, I'm alright.
Ben, this is Sean.
He's got a Harley.
How many CC's? Cool.
Right, well We better get off.
Is this alright? Yeah.
We're going for Emma, alright? I know.
Enjoy yourselves.
Really.
OK.
See you later.
Nice to meet you, Sean.
You too.
So I get the feeling you're meant to be somewhere else.
Long story.
Well, that washing's got at least 20 minutes left.
My God.
That's mint, that is.
I'll take that as a complement.
It's really, really nice.
It's proper Indian and that.
That's because we are Indian.
You did know that, didn't you? Come on, you've got to get changed.
I'm coming.
Sunny, it's so I can't believe it.
Come on.
She wanted to make it nice for us.
Let me give your mum a call.
It's not too late.
Yes, it is.
Yeah, it is too late, like.
Come on, let's try the music out.
So your eldest, Luke, is it? Luke, yeah.
What would you have said if your mother had told you that you had to have him adopted, would you have listened to her? I know what this is and you're very convincing and that.
But the end of the day, Emma's making a big mistake.
Maybe she is.
But it's her mistake to make, isn't it? So, you got any kids, then Sean? Not yet Stella.
All done.
Better get cracking then.
None of my business, but Emma might be your only ever daughter and this might be her only ever engagement party.
Seems a shame to miss it, don't you think? Karl, it's better the Ponty panto.
Welcome to you both.
I'm Karl, I am.
Emma's dad.
Good to meet you properly.
I know, I buy my wank mags from you most weeks but I don't even know your name.
Jagadeesh.
Nice one.
The jagged edge, is it? No, it's Jagadeesh.
So, granddads together? We should go for a pint some time.
Don't be ignorant, Karl.
He don't drink, he's a Muslim.
I'm not a Muslim actually.
You're something though, aren't you? Yeah, I'm definitely something.
I'm Nadine, Emma's step mum.
Pleased to meet you.
I'm Tanisha, you must be Nardinay.
No, it's Nadine.
Actually though, I quite like that, Nardinay.
Like Chardonnay.
Nadine, you gotta try these pasties, they are stunning.
Actually it's Nardinay, I've changed it.
Since when? You alright? Yeah, I'm great.
Really.
Alright, bro? What are you wearing? Salwar Kameez.
Awesome.
You look like a Quality Street.
Oi! Ben, look what I found today in the shed.
It's your Granddad's bravery medal.
When he rescued those people from the mine.
Bet he never told you about that, did he? Yeah, sort of.
It was in the papers and everything, it was.
There you go.
I've got to get this on my phone, put it on YouTube.
It all looks ever so exotic, doesn't it, Karl? Shall we be Hindus? I'd quite fancy it.
I thought you wanted to do ballroom dancing? Yeah.
You can't do both.
What's it to be? I think the dresses are more nicer with the ballroom, to be honest.
More flattering.
Yeah, let's stick to ballroom.
Tell me again.
Which bit? The bit where the big hairy miner, all sweating and rough, rescues the poor, vulnerable people trapped deep, deep in the deep, dark mine.
All alone.
Defenceless.
Waiting.
Yeah.
That bit.
Right, you get home, get down the cellar, hide under the broken chair, I'll come and rescue you.
Give me ten minutes.
Sorry, excuse me.
Are you Emma? Yeah? Someone outside wants to see you.
That's Sean, he's got a Harley.
Has he now? I had a Harley once.
Whoa! How fast did you go on it? Don't be daft, kid, only joking.
Imagine your old gumpa on a motorbike.
I'd be the laughing stock.
Mum, I'm really sorry.
Me too.
I'm, such a dick.
And me.
I suppose I just feel that getting married is so final.
It's not as final as having his baby.
True.
Look what he got me.
I proper love him, Mum.
I know you proper do.
Right, here's the deal.
- You can have this baby - Thank you very much And you can get married.
Thank you very much.
But before you do any of that, I want you to stay on at school and do your bloody exams.
OK.
That wasn't very difficult.
You're right though, aren't you? I'm gonna be bored out of my bog sitting at home all day.
May as well do some poxy GCSEs.
Deal then? Deal.
Stel, you haven't come to spoil things, have you? Don't want trouble.
We're having a lovely time.
It's not the Hindu way.
- Mum has given us her blessing.
- Stunning.
This means such a lot to us.
Yeah.
Well, I'm sorry for telling you to stick your deal up your Arse.
Don't give it another thought.
Sometimes I have a mouth so filthy I make my husband weep.
My boy is coming home in a month and that will make me smile.
So, what do you reckon? Can you give Dick a funeral he'll never forget? Seeing such a good turn out today would have made Dick a very proud Dick.
A Dick tickled pink.
You're not helping.
In fact, you're freaking me out.
Mum, I think we got a problem.
I'm gonna kill him! No, listen!