Still Game (2002) s01e02 Episode Script
Faimly
1 Oh, it's you.
- Is that you away in the butcher's? - Aye.
I've already been in.
You'll just have to come earlier.
- Gigot chop? - No.
Peggy's away with the last of them.
That big bastard.
- What is it with you? - What? Three weeks on the trot, that big blimp has humped me oot of my gigot chop.
Here, that's enough.
She's lonely.
- How many did she have? - Eight.
Eight chops! What's she trying to do, build a cow to keep her company? You'll just have to come in early.
(SIGHING) Keep the kids happy with Angel Delight (CHUCKLING) (DOORBELL BUZZING) Evening, Jack.
Wait till you see this.
- There.
- Oh, yeah? Oh, aye, that's lovely.
Aye.
Aye.
Is that off your old door? Aye, aye, it is.
I just battered some Duraglit on it.
It's come up nice, eh? I think it's important to create the right impression from the start, you know? Winston was good enough to procure me a doormat, aye.
One of them with the greetings written on it.
I've always wanted one of them.
Very nice, indeed, Jack.
You've arrived at the abode of Mr J Jarvis, Esquire.
- Right.
- "Weclome.
" Eh? JACK: Oh, ya bastard! Bloody Winston.
Three and a half quid up the swanny.
Come in, the kettle's just boiled.
Oh, and welcome.
JACK: Get off, you.
Smells really nice in here.
Is that Pledge? Got it in one.
I've been cleaning all day.
You've been cleaning all day? Well, Isa's been cleaning, you know? Oh, Isa's been cleaning.
- You're a liberty-taking big bastard.
- Shut up.
She offered to help.
She's coming back tomorrow to do that back room.
She wants to pump you.
You're just using her.
You're giving that woman false hope.
Anyhow, what's it all in aid of? My John's coming up this weekend with his family.
Oh, Jesus.
Don't start.
He is coming up.
No, he isnae.
All you're doing is setting yourself up for a fall.
What are you talking about? He's over in London from Johannesburg, visiting her parents and they're all coming up to me at the weekend.
No, they arenae.
Her parents, you say? Whereabouts is it in London they live, again? - Crouch End.
- Crouch End.
In the big house, with all the rooms.
Set amidst a half an acre, with a big pond.
They're gonna up sticks and come all the way up here to McDade mansions.
I've got a perfectly good sofa there and I've got a pully-doon in the next room.
- That's right, I forgot.
In the west wing.
- Right.
- He phoned last night.
- What did he say? He's gonna try and get a flight on Friday morning.
Victor, we've been over this road before.
Here he was in Edinburgh last year, for a whole week, and he never once came through to see you.
I had the flu.
There was no point in him coming through and getting smitted.
Pish! He's coming up on Friday and that's that, right? Aye, well, we'll see.
(TV PLAYING) That mealy-mouth bastard.
Him that's always done up like a dandy.
Telling you what to do with your house.
Pansy bastard.
I hate him.
All right, what's he saying? (CHATTERING ON TV) Ah, finish your point.
What a pish! You could help me out, Jack.
Give me that.
Turn that down.
Are you deaf, ya bastard? (MUMBLING) (THUMPING OVERHEAD) Oh, no.
You've set that psycho off.
Sorry! (ELECTRONIC BEEPING) That's the phone went.
See, you and that telly! Here you, calm down.
Answering machine will catch it.
I cannae work that bastard.
It's useless.
ANSWERING MACHINE: Message one.
JACK: Hello? It's Jack, good morning.
- That was me.
- I know.
Are you not supposed to rub out all your old messages? On the instruction of who, Captain Panasonic? ANSWERING MACHINE: Message Two.
JOHN: Hello, Dad.
Listen, Dad, flying up isnae an option.
- Told you.
- Shut up.
I popped in to Waterloo and I got train tickets.
So we'll be arriving at Central on Friday at (HORN BLARING) - See you then.
ANSWERING MACHINE: End of message.
(ELECTRONIC BEEPING) - Oh, no.
- What time did he say? I couldnae hear the time for that noise.
It could be any time.
Now, wait a minute.
Let's think logically.
We'll be arriving on Friday at (IMITATING HORN BLARING) Half two.
There we are, half two.
Well, that's smashing, eh.
Thanks very much for that, Jackie.
What about this? Half three, half four, half five You silly bastard.
This is a disaster.
I don't know when they're coming up.
Here's an idea.
We'll take the machine over to Shug's.
What for? He was a communications officer during the war, sure.
Never done going on about it, and all.
"When I was in Tobruk Broadsword calling Danny Boy" - Prick.
- Aye, he is a prick, aye.
I'll give you that.
I think he's your fella, aye.
He could hear a pin drop, aye.
(BIRDS CHIRPING) (ALARM BEEPING) Yes.
(BOTH GRUNTING) - Gigot chops, please.
- How many would you like? - How many have you got? - No, no, no, no.
That's not how it works today.
How many do you need? Erm, erm Got you sweating now, haven't I, fatso? How many chops has Bill got? Four, five, how many? Six.
Yes.
Six chops, please, Bill.
I'll probably not manage them all but I'll see what I can do.
I'll probably have to give the last two to the dog.
You lousy bastard.
- Square go, right now.
- Right.
- Here, wait a minute.
- Shut it, Bill.
- You better get a steak ready for his eye.
- Wait a minute.
Careful, the floor's wet.
(CRACKING) - My ribs! - Wrap up my chops, Bill.
You know, I sometimes wish that we'd been in the war.
- You and me? - Aye.
No, no.
Carnage and all that? Running about with nae legs.
Disembodied heads of young blokes you once knew staring up at you.
That wasnae for me.
Well, national service was plenty, aye? Far mair civilised.
Peeling tatties, nights in the NAAFI, firing it up the fräuleins.
- Oh, but the VD.
- Oh, aye, the VD.
- Hello, Victor.
- JACK AND VICTOR: Oh, Jesus.
Where did you come from? - Did you hear what happened to Winston? - No, what happened? He was brawling in the butcher's with Peggy McAlpine.
Oh, I hated that big bastard.
- She fell on him.
- Oh, Jesus, is he deid? He's landed in the Royal with a broken arm.
Youse should better go up and see him.
- Aye, well.
What time is the visiting hour? - 2:00 to 3:00.
Here, I'd better get a move on.
After youse I'm going down to Mr Tail for today's windies.
She must be wanting to pump him and all, eh? - Oh, Jack.
- Yes, Isa? - Your door's looking lovely.
- Thanks very much.
You're weclome.
Here, Victor, don't be annoyed at him.
As old as he is, he's still bloody handy, and he is doing us a favour.
Look, let's just not be hanging about sitting there, - while he rattles on about the war.
- Shut up, he'll hear you.
Oh, aye, can he hear through bloody walls and all, now? Aye, I can.
Jack, Victor, what can I do for ye? That's it now.
Watch your feet.
Take a seat.
- Boy, just look at that.
- There you go.
Right, how can I help? Well, Victor's got this machine here.
Now, it's an answering machine.
But part of the message on it's obscured because his boy here, we think, said a time and That would drive you right off your nut, wouldnae it? Oh, aye, sure.
All day, that.
Right, a message, you were saying? - Right, what have we got to be working with? - Right.
(LAUGHING) Look at this.
State of the art, up-to-the-minute piece of shit.
Wait a minute there.
Where does the coal go? Very funny, Shug.
Just give it a go.
Now, you'd imagine this would be the smallest tape you could get, eh? Aye, you would, Shug.
No, not so.
I used to carry smaller tapes than this - during the war.
- Oh, Jesus.
If you were crossing a border or you got taken in, you had to secrete them about your person.
Let me guess, Shug, up your arse.
No, Victor, that's the first place they would look.
- Where would you put them, Shug? - Tucked up my bell-end.
You can get two or three in there.
Shut up, Jack.
- What's on the tape, Shug? - I'll find out soon enough.
- Okay.
- ANSWERING MACHINE: Message Two.
Public telephone.
It's in a station.
Man in the background arguing with a guard.
That's weird.
Fellow begging.
A wee jangle of coins.
A man reading a paper, big paper, Times The hackney, pulling away from the rank.
He'll have to get that exhaust fixed.
Why, very good, Shug.
What time does my boy's train get in? Well, how could I know that? It's obscured by the horn of an RL Blue Line diesel train.
I didnae know they were still running.
- Listen, thanks for that, Shug.
- Aye, aye.
Just leave it with me.
I'll isolate the EQ and centralise the bandwidth.
Oh, aye, that's what to do.
(VICTOR MUMBLING) That's your lift coming.
See youse down the Clansman.
- Aye.
- Aye.
(LIFT BELL RINGING) Prick.
SHUG: I heard that.
Aye, Friday.
Comes up on Friday, my son.
You've got a son? I didnae know that.
Aye, well I have.
I'm sorry, Victor.
It's just I've never seen your boy.
That's 'cause he wouldnae sully himself coming into a shitehole like this.
Oh.
Doesnae like men's pubs? A big poofter, eh? Here, you.
Less of your bloody lip.
Or would you like to cut your clientele by 50%, eh? - Half-wit.
- Don't bother your arse with him.
Right, that was me on the phone to Central Station there.
There are seven trains coming into Glasgow from London on Friday.
Now, these are the times.
6:30 a.
M 6:30 a.
M? No, my John wouldnae get that overnight train.
How? Och, when he was a young fella, he got the sleeper one time, you know, and some queer tried to touch him up.
Well, there's the 1:30, 2:45, there's a 3:30, there's a 4:30 No, he wouldnae be on the 1:30.
What's the matter? Did somebody touch him up on the 1:30 as well? Shut up.
Well, he's got to be on one of them trains.
That is, of course, if he's coming up.
He is coming up, Jack.
- We'll have to do a stakeout.
- Eh? Aye, like detectives.
An all-day job, aye.
Me and you, on the case, coffee, doughnuts, a flask, blankets.
- Blankets? - Aye.
What detective has a bloody blanket? Erm.
Come on, Victor, that'll be good fun.
I love Central Station.
It'll be good.
- What's good about Central Station? - People-watching, the comings and goings, aye.
Women breaking their heart 'cause their loved ones are being taken away, aye.
Station cafés, brief encounters, if you like.
Winching couples under the clock.
Oh, and the steam.
Steam? When was the last time you were in Central Station, Jack? - 1954.
- Aye, I thought as much.
You see, Jack, your train stations nowadays are all full of junkies, whores, murderers and beggars.
Oh, away and don't talk pish, Victor.
- Tam.
- Aye.
- Central Station? - Central Station.
- Junkies, whores, murderers, beggars.
- There you are.
It was the council, 1974, I remember that.
- Thank you.
- You're weclome.
I thought it weren't such a good idea going sitting down there all day, Jack.
How? He might not show.
He will turn up.
I heard the message, he said as much.
Aye, well, he's let me down in the past, you know? A couple of times.
Then you get the excuse after.
Eh? (SIGHING) Look, I wasnae gonna mention this.
Here you are winding me up.
Well, it was my 70th.
He was over in London.
I told him it was my birthday.
He says he knew, but I don't think he did, Jack, you know? Anyway, he concocts this big plan.
"Oh, Dad, we're gonna get a car.
Come up and see ya.
"Make a big fuss, spend the week.
" So I stock the fridge up.
Prezzies for the weans.
Even bought her a bottle of scent.
Well, it was a no-show.
Some problem with the insurance for the motor.
Some bloody story.
Do you know I've still got that bottle of scent in the house, Jack? That's your weans for you.
See, they've got it all in front of them.
They don't mind letting you down.
It's just another day for them, you know? Wrapped up in their ain lives, families, jobs.
Which is fine, if they were just a wee bit truthful.
They cannae be arsed seeing ya.
- Ironside.
- What? Aye, detective with a blanket on his knees, wheelchair.
Raymond Burr.
Big fella.
Aye, I'll let you have that.
Hi.
Hi.
Five minutes to the visit.
Mmm-hmm.
You got your family coming up, eh? No, my family's away.
My pals are coming up, though.
Nice to have pals, eh? I guess the bottom line is you've got to look out for each other, you know? Let your family off the hook, Victor.
At our age it's all about friends.
(MAN LAUGHING) (PEOPLE CHATTERING) Aye.
You're right, Jack.
Friends.
Support each other, you know? Help each other out.
Looking out for each other's welfare, you know? Watching out for the symptoms of loneliness or depression.
That's it.
Suppositories.
Fat lot of good they'll do me.
I might as well stick them up my arse, eh? Oh, sorry, darling.
(PEOPLE LAUGHING) (SIGHING) Oh! - What? - Nuts.
Bobby! (LAUGHING) See youse later, gents.
Oh, Jesus, 3:00! Bobby, get that television on.
3:15 at Chepstow.
(BELL RINGING) - Bye.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
- See you.
You all come back, you hear? (LAUGHING) Pair of bastards.
(CHATTERING) Winston's Warrior.
See, I always back that because of Winston.
Aye, you do, aye? That's me eight pound up.
What're you having? - Pint.
- Two pints, Bobby boy.
Hello, Jack.
Hello, Victor.
No, no, I'll be with you in a second.
Right, Bobby.
Hey, Shug.
L22.
60.
I found out when your boy is arriving.
Oh, aye.
I'm fairly certain it's 2:30.
That's excellent, Shug.
Let me get you a wee half.
No, no, hold the bus there, Victor.
I'll be getting a free one in just a moment.
Bobby? L22.
60.
Bastard! You're some man, right enough, Shug.
Aye, you've certainly taken the weight off Victor's mind.
- That right, Victor? - Eh? Oh, aye, aye.
Hey, ho.
- How you feeling? - Oh, it's youse two.
Not bad, aye.
I'll be getting oot tomorrow.
That's the game.
Here.
Take these.
- Stick that in your locker.
- That's smashing, lads.
- Cheers.
- Here's a nurse coming.
Hello, Mr Ingram.
It's time for your injection.
Would you excuse us for a minute, gentlemen? - Nae need, darling.
- We'll hold him down, hen.
What? Let's not forget his suppository.
(LAUGHING) (EXCLAIMING) Are you all right, Mr Ingram? Practically slept through the whole visit.
Have I? Oh.
- I remember this vividly.
- Oh, aye.
It's not changed much in 50 years.
You know what? There used to be a piccolo player.
- Sat right there.
- Piccolo, eh? Aye.
He was rare, too.
He was really good.
He was 80 years of age, that fella.
He was always shouting, "I'm 80, I'm 80 years old.
" Wonder what happened to him.
An 80-year-old? From the '50s? He's probably getting ready to celebrate his 130th birthday - with all his other deid pals.
- Right enough.
- Ten on the button.
- All right, what time's the train? 2:30.
Jesus, you're aye doing this.
Days early.
10:00.
It's important to get there well in advance, you know? See what the layout is, see how the board works, find out where everything is, you know? And that way, when that train rolls into town Boof.
We're ready.
Right, the board.
JACK: Euston, platform one, 2:30.
Right, I'm starving.
Victor! Aye! What do you want? Och, I don't know.
Anything.
Aye, but what, but? Anything at all, Jack.
I'm not bothered.
- Well, I'll pick! - Aye, you pick! Fast food, by Christ.
What a bloody execution.
- Right.
Well, there y'are.
- What have you got here? That's your triple burger boxcar with cheese and extra bacon.
There's an extra-large fries there.
There's a hot apple pie.
Watch that, that'll burn the mouth off you.
And there you are, that's the end-of-the-line boxcar jumbo cola.
- How much was all that? - L4.
40.
If I drank all that, I could pish the Trevi fountain.
Aye.
If I ate all that, you'd need to wheel me home in a barrow.
Here.
Shouldnae eat that anyway.
Guts are jumping, Jack.
There's nothing to be nervous about, it's only your bloody boy, Victor.
Come on, now.
It's not that.
I don't think they're gonna show.
- What're you saying that for? - Forgive me, gentlemen, I may be misreading the situation here but I believe your man's apprehensive about his son's visit because, dare I say it, he's been let down in the past.
It's a terrible thing to be made to feel unwanted by your ain.
But we should have nae truck with bitterness.
The past is set in stone, the future is unwritten.
- Get lost, you poke-nosed bastard.
- Aye, beat it, you beardy dick.
Oh, 1:00.
I'm bored oot me gourd.
Och, you've got the delicatessen, the coffee shop, RS McColls.
- There's plenty to be amusing yourself.
- Aye.
It's a regular Disney World, eh? I'm spoilt for choice.
Here, let's swap papers.
That'll fill up the next two minutes, aye.
- Do you want to try? - No.
Are you sure? (INAUDIBLE) - I dozed there.
- I was sleeping there.
- 4:00.
- Oh, Jesus! Come on, come on.
- Here, did the 2:30 come in? - Aye, right on the nose.
- Was there a lot of people got off it? - Aye.
- Did you see a family? - Aye.
I saw about 500 families, in fact.
Listen, don't panic.
They might still be in the station.
Aye.
Maybe they werenae on the train.
They must have came straight from the station.
Isa probably let them in with your key.
Aye.
- The wanderers returned.
- Winston? What the hell are you doing here, eh? - I thought you were in the hospital.
- Aye, well, I was.
For all you two care.
All day I sat without a visit.
So much for your friends looking out for ye.
Sorry about that.
Been a wee bit wrapped up, you know, in my family coming.
That's how we never managed to come up.
Sorry, Winston.
- Look, it's all right.
- Where are your family anyhow? My family They had to cancel, aye, because there was a scare on the trains.
Aye, it's rotten luck, really.
Isn't it, Victor? - Aye, it's rotten luck, Jack.
- Aye.
- Somebody fancy an Angel Delight? - Aye.
Aye.
See, he made six of them for the family coming up.
Angel Delight, isnae it lovely? - VICTOR: There are only four here.
- It was her idea.
Give that to Jack, Winston, now, will you? - There you go.
- Thank you.
Weclome.
And you, ya bastard, I've been meaning to take you up about that.
That bloody doormat.
I've took no end of pelters for that.
I know, I know.
I've had a lot of complaints about them.
It's nae worries, though.
Problem solved.
- Is that Shug? - Aye.
What, wee lugs? - Shuggy! - What're you doing, what're you doing? He'll only come over and bore the tits off us about Tobruk.
Aye, right enough, aye.
Prick.
What do you suppose is in the bag? He aye buys that shitey bread, you know.
Snappy Shopper.
22 pence a loaf.
That's because he's a miserable old bastard.
Sunblest, the best you get! Get it up youse!
- Is that you away in the butcher's? - Aye.
I've already been in.
You'll just have to come earlier.
- Gigot chop? - No.
Peggy's away with the last of them.
That big bastard.
- What is it with you? - What? Three weeks on the trot, that big blimp has humped me oot of my gigot chop.
Here, that's enough.
She's lonely.
- How many did she have? - Eight.
Eight chops! What's she trying to do, build a cow to keep her company? You'll just have to come in early.
(SIGHING) Keep the kids happy with Angel Delight (CHUCKLING) (DOORBELL BUZZING) Evening, Jack.
Wait till you see this.
- There.
- Oh, yeah? Oh, aye, that's lovely.
Aye.
Aye.
Is that off your old door? Aye, aye, it is.
I just battered some Duraglit on it.
It's come up nice, eh? I think it's important to create the right impression from the start, you know? Winston was good enough to procure me a doormat, aye.
One of them with the greetings written on it.
I've always wanted one of them.
Very nice, indeed, Jack.
You've arrived at the abode of Mr J Jarvis, Esquire.
- Right.
- "Weclome.
" Eh? JACK: Oh, ya bastard! Bloody Winston.
Three and a half quid up the swanny.
Come in, the kettle's just boiled.
Oh, and welcome.
JACK: Get off, you.
Smells really nice in here.
Is that Pledge? Got it in one.
I've been cleaning all day.
You've been cleaning all day? Well, Isa's been cleaning, you know? Oh, Isa's been cleaning.
- You're a liberty-taking big bastard.
- Shut up.
She offered to help.
She's coming back tomorrow to do that back room.
She wants to pump you.
You're just using her.
You're giving that woman false hope.
Anyhow, what's it all in aid of? My John's coming up this weekend with his family.
Oh, Jesus.
Don't start.
He is coming up.
No, he isnae.
All you're doing is setting yourself up for a fall.
What are you talking about? He's over in London from Johannesburg, visiting her parents and they're all coming up to me at the weekend.
No, they arenae.
Her parents, you say? Whereabouts is it in London they live, again? - Crouch End.
- Crouch End.
In the big house, with all the rooms.
Set amidst a half an acre, with a big pond.
They're gonna up sticks and come all the way up here to McDade mansions.
I've got a perfectly good sofa there and I've got a pully-doon in the next room.
- That's right, I forgot.
In the west wing.
- Right.
- He phoned last night.
- What did he say? He's gonna try and get a flight on Friday morning.
Victor, we've been over this road before.
Here he was in Edinburgh last year, for a whole week, and he never once came through to see you.
I had the flu.
There was no point in him coming through and getting smitted.
Pish! He's coming up on Friday and that's that, right? Aye, well, we'll see.
(TV PLAYING) That mealy-mouth bastard.
Him that's always done up like a dandy.
Telling you what to do with your house.
Pansy bastard.
I hate him.
All right, what's he saying? (CHATTERING ON TV) Ah, finish your point.
What a pish! You could help me out, Jack.
Give me that.
Turn that down.
Are you deaf, ya bastard? (MUMBLING) (THUMPING OVERHEAD) Oh, no.
You've set that psycho off.
Sorry! (ELECTRONIC BEEPING) That's the phone went.
See, you and that telly! Here you, calm down.
Answering machine will catch it.
I cannae work that bastard.
It's useless.
ANSWERING MACHINE: Message one.
JACK: Hello? It's Jack, good morning.
- That was me.
- I know.
Are you not supposed to rub out all your old messages? On the instruction of who, Captain Panasonic? ANSWERING MACHINE: Message Two.
JOHN: Hello, Dad.
Listen, Dad, flying up isnae an option.
- Told you.
- Shut up.
I popped in to Waterloo and I got train tickets.
So we'll be arriving at Central on Friday at (HORN BLARING) - See you then.
ANSWERING MACHINE: End of message.
(ELECTRONIC BEEPING) - Oh, no.
- What time did he say? I couldnae hear the time for that noise.
It could be any time.
Now, wait a minute.
Let's think logically.
We'll be arriving on Friday at (IMITATING HORN BLARING) Half two.
There we are, half two.
Well, that's smashing, eh.
Thanks very much for that, Jackie.
What about this? Half three, half four, half five You silly bastard.
This is a disaster.
I don't know when they're coming up.
Here's an idea.
We'll take the machine over to Shug's.
What for? He was a communications officer during the war, sure.
Never done going on about it, and all.
"When I was in Tobruk Broadsword calling Danny Boy" - Prick.
- Aye, he is a prick, aye.
I'll give you that.
I think he's your fella, aye.
He could hear a pin drop, aye.
(BIRDS CHIRPING) (ALARM BEEPING) Yes.
(BOTH GRUNTING) - Gigot chops, please.
- How many would you like? - How many have you got? - No, no, no, no.
That's not how it works today.
How many do you need? Erm, erm Got you sweating now, haven't I, fatso? How many chops has Bill got? Four, five, how many? Six.
Yes.
Six chops, please, Bill.
I'll probably not manage them all but I'll see what I can do.
I'll probably have to give the last two to the dog.
You lousy bastard.
- Square go, right now.
- Right.
- Here, wait a minute.
- Shut it, Bill.
- You better get a steak ready for his eye.
- Wait a minute.
Careful, the floor's wet.
(CRACKING) - My ribs! - Wrap up my chops, Bill.
You know, I sometimes wish that we'd been in the war.
- You and me? - Aye.
No, no.
Carnage and all that? Running about with nae legs.
Disembodied heads of young blokes you once knew staring up at you.
That wasnae for me.
Well, national service was plenty, aye? Far mair civilised.
Peeling tatties, nights in the NAAFI, firing it up the fräuleins.
- Oh, but the VD.
- Oh, aye, the VD.
- Hello, Victor.
- JACK AND VICTOR: Oh, Jesus.
Where did you come from? - Did you hear what happened to Winston? - No, what happened? He was brawling in the butcher's with Peggy McAlpine.
Oh, I hated that big bastard.
- She fell on him.
- Oh, Jesus, is he deid? He's landed in the Royal with a broken arm.
Youse should better go up and see him.
- Aye, well.
What time is the visiting hour? - 2:00 to 3:00.
Here, I'd better get a move on.
After youse I'm going down to Mr Tail for today's windies.
She must be wanting to pump him and all, eh? - Oh, Jack.
- Yes, Isa? - Your door's looking lovely.
- Thanks very much.
You're weclome.
Here, Victor, don't be annoyed at him.
As old as he is, he's still bloody handy, and he is doing us a favour.
Look, let's just not be hanging about sitting there, - while he rattles on about the war.
- Shut up, he'll hear you.
Oh, aye, can he hear through bloody walls and all, now? Aye, I can.
Jack, Victor, what can I do for ye? That's it now.
Watch your feet.
Take a seat.
- Boy, just look at that.
- There you go.
Right, how can I help? Well, Victor's got this machine here.
Now, it's an answering machine.
But part of the message on it's obscured because his boy here, we think, said a time and That would drive you right off your nut, wouldnae it? Oh, aye, sure.
All day, that.
Right, a message, you were saying? - Right, what have we got to be working with? - Right.
(LAUGHING) Look at this.
State of the art, up-to-the-minute piece of shit.
Wait a minute there.
Where does the coal go? Very funny, Shug.
Just give it a go.
Now, you'd imagine this would be the smallest tape you could get, eh? Aye, you would, Shug.
No, not so.
I used to carry smaller tapes than this - during the war.
- Oh, Jesus.
If you were crossing a border or you got taken in, you had to secrete them about your person.
Let me guess, Shug, up your arse.
No, Victor, that's the first place they would look.
- Where would you put them, Shug? - Tucked up my bell-end.
You can get two or three in there.
Shut up, Jack.
- What's on the tape, Shug? - I'll find out soon enough.
- Okay.
- ANSWERING MACHINE: Message Two.
Public telephone.
It's in a station.
Man in the background arguing with a guard.
That's weird.
Fellow begging.
A wee jangle of coins.
A man reading a paper, big paper, Times The hackney, pulling away from the rank.
He'll have to get that exhaust fixed.
Why, very good, Shug.
What time does my boy's train get in? Well, how could I know that? It's obscured by the horn of an RL Blue Line diesel train.
I didnae know they were still running.
- Listen, thanks for that, Shug.
- Aye, aye.
Just leave it with me.
I'll isolate the EQ and centralise the bandwidth.
Oh, aye, that's what to do.
(VICTOR MUMBLING) That's your lift coming.
See youse down the Clansman.
- Aye.
- Aye.
(LIFT BELL RINGING) Prick.
SHUG: I heard that.
Aye, Friday.
Comes up on Friday, my son.
You've got a son? I didnae know that.
Aye, well I have.
I'm sorry, Victor.
It's just I've never seen your boy.
That's 'cause he wouldnae sully himself coming into a shitehole like this.
Oh.
Doesnae like men's pubs? A big poofter, eh? Here, you.
Less of your bloody lip.
Or would you like to cut your clientele by 50%, eh? - Half-wit.
- Don't bother your arse with him.
Right, that was me on the phone to Central Station there.
There are seven trains coming into Glasgow from London on Friday.
Now, these are the times.
6:30 a.
M 6:30 a.
M? No, my John wouldnae get that overnight train.
How? Och, when he was a young fella, he got the sleeper one time, you know, and some queer tried to touch him up.
Well, there's the 1:30, 2:45, there's a 3:30, there's a 4:30 No, he wouldnae be on the 1:30.
What's the matter? Did somebody touch him up on the 1:30 as well? Shut up.
Well, he's got to be on one of them trains.
That is, of course, if he's coming up.
He is coming up, Jack.
- We'll have to do a stakeout.
- Eh? Aye, like detectives.
An all-day job, aye.
Me and you, on the case, coffee, doughnuts, a flask, blankets.
- Blankets? - Aye.
What detective has a bloody blanket? Erm.
Come on, Victor, that'll be good fun.
I love Central Station.
It'll be good.
- What's good about Central Station? - People-watching, the comings and goings, aye.
Women breaking their heart 'cause their loved ones are being taken away, aye.
Station cafés, brief encounters, if you like.
Winching couples under the clock.
Oh, and the steam.
Steam? When was the last time you were in Central Station, Jack? - 1954.
- Aye, I thought as much.
You see, Jack, your train stations nowadays are all full of junkies, whores, murderers and beggars.
Oh, away and don't talk pish, Victor.
- Tam.
- Aye.
- Central Station? - Central Station.
- Junkies, whores, murderers, beggars.
- There you are.
It was the council, 1974, I remember that.
- Thank you.
- You're weclome.
I thought it weren't such a good idea going sitting down there all day, Jack.
How? He might not show.
He will turn up.
I heard the message, he said as much.
Aye, well, he's let me down in the past, you know? A couple of times.
Then you get the excuse after.
Eh? (SIGHING) Look, I wasnae gonna mention this.
Here you are winding me up.
Well, it was my 70th.
He was over in London.
I told him it was my birthday.
He says he knew, but I don't think he did, Jack, you know? Anyway, he concocts this big plan.
"Oh, Dad, we're gonna get a car.
Come up and see ya.
"Make a big fuss, spend the week.
" So I stock the fridge up.
Prezzies for the weans.
Even bought her a bottle of scent.
Well, it was a no-show.
Some problem with the insurance for the motor.
Some bloody story.
Do you know I've still got that bottle of scent in the house, Jack? That's your weans for you.
See, they've got it all in front of them.
They don't mind letting you down.
It's just another day for them, you know? Wrapped up in their ain lives, families, jobs.
Which is fine, if they were just a wee bit truthful.
They cannae be arsed seeing ya.
- Ironside.
- What? Aye, detective with a blanket on his knees, wheelchair.
Raymond Burr.
Big fella.
Aye, I'll let you have that.
Hi.
Hi.
Five minutes to the visit.
Mmm-hmm.
You got your family coming up, eh? No, my family's away.
My pals are coming up, though.
Nice to have pals, eh? I guess the bottom line is you've got to look out for each other, you know? Let your family off the hook, Victor.
At our age it's all about friends.
(MAN LAUGHING) (PEOPLE CHATTERING) Aye.
You're right, Jack.
Friends.
Support each other, you know? Help each other out.
Looking out for each other's welfare, you know? Watching out for the symptoms of loneliness or depression.
That's it.
Suppositories.
Fat lot of good they'll do me.
I might as well stick them up my arse, eh? Oh, sorry, darling.
(PEOPLE LAUGHING) (SIGHING) Oh! - What? - Nuts.
Bobby! (LAUGHING) See youse later, gents.
Oh, Jesus, 3:00! Bobby, get that television on.
3:15 at Chepstow.
(BELL RINGING) - Bye.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
- See you.
You all come back, you hear? (LAUGHING) Pair of bastards.
(CHATTERING) Winston's Warrior.
See, I always back that because of Winston.
Aye, you do, aye? That's me eight pound up.
What're you having? - Pint.
- Two pints, Bobby boy.
Hello, Jack.
Hello, Victor.
No, no, I'll be with you in a second.
Right, Bobby.
Hey, Shug.
L22.
60.
I found out when your boy is arriving.
Oh, aye.
I'm fairly certain it's 2:30.
That's excellent, Shug.
Let me get you a wee half.
No, no, hold the bus there, Victor.
I'll be getting a free one in just a moment.
Bobby? L22.
60.
Bastard! You're some man, right enough, Shug.
Aye, you've certainly taken the weight off Victor's mind.
- That right, Victor? - Eh? Oh, aye, aye.
Hey, ho.
- How you feeling? - Oh, it's youse two.
Not bad, aye.
I'll be getting oot tomorrow.
That's the game.
Here.
Take these.
- Stick that in your locker.
- That's smashing, lads.
- Cheers.
- Here's a nurse coming.
Hello, Mr Ingram.
It's time for your injection.
Would you excuse us for a minute, gentlemen? - Nae need, darling.
- We'll hold him down, hen.
What? Let's not forget his suppository.
(LAUGHING) (EXCLAIMING) Are you all right, Mr Ingram? Practically slept through the whole visit.
Have I? Oh.
- I remember this vividly.
- Oh, aye.
It's not changed much in 50 years.
You know what? There used to be a piccolo player.
- Sat right there.
- Piccolo, eh? Aye.
He was rare, too.
He was really good.
He was 80 years of age, that fella.
He was always shouting, "I'm 80, I'm 80 years old.
" Wonder what happened to him.
An 80-year-old? From the '50s? He's probably getting ready to celebrate his 130th birthday - with all his other deid pals.
- Right enough.
- Ten on the button.
- All right, what time's the train? 2:30.
Jesus, you're aye doing this.
Days early.
10:00.
It's important to get there well in advance, you know? See what the layout is, see how the board works, find out where everything is, you know? And that way, when that train rolls into town Boof.
We're ready.
Right, the board.
JACK: Euston, platform one, 2:30.
Right, I'm starving.
Victor! Aye! What do you want? Och, I don't know.
Anything.
Aye, but what, but? Anything at all, Jack.
I'm not bothered.
- Well, I'll pick! - Aye, you pick! Fast food, by Christ.
What a bloody execution.
- Right.
Well, there y'are.
- What have you got here? That's your triple burger boxcar with cheese and extra bacon.
There's an extra-large fries there.
There's a hot apple pie.
Watch that, that'll burn the mouth off you.
And there you are, that's the end-of-the-line boxcar jumbo cola.
- How much was all that? - L4.
40.
If I drank all that, I could pish the Trevi fountain.
Aye.
If I ate all that, you'd need to wheel me home in a barrow.
Here.
Shouldnae eat that anyway.
Guts are jumping, Jack.
There's nothing to be nervous about, it's only your bloody boy, Victor.
Come on, now.
It's not that.
I don't think they're gonna show.
- What're you saying that for? - Forgive me, gentlemen, I may be misreading the situation here but I believe your man's apprehensive about his son's visit because, dare I say it, he's been let down in the past.
It's a terrible thing to be made to feel unwanted by your ain.
But we should have nae truck with bitterness.
The past is set in stone, the future is unwritten.
- Get lost, you poke-nosed bastard.
- Aye, beat it, you beardy dick.
Oh, 1:00.
I'm bored oot me gourd.
Och, you've got the delicatessen, the coffee shop, RS McColls.
- There's plenty to be amusing yourself.
- Aye.
It's a regular Disney World, eh? I'm spoilt for choice.
Here, let's swap papers.
That'll fill up the next two minutes, aye.
- Do you want to try? - No.
Are you sure? (INAUDIBLE) - I dozed there.
- I was sleeping there.
- 4:00.
- Oh, Jesus! Come on, come on.
- Here, did the 2:30 come in? - Aye, right on the nose.
- Was there a lot of people got off it? - Aye.
- Did you see a family? - Aye.
I saw about 500 families, in fact.
Listen, don't panic.
They might still be in the station.
Aye.
Maybe they werenae on the train.
They must have came straight from the station.
Isa probably let them in with your key.
Aye.
- The wanderers returned.
- Winston? What the hell are you doing here, eh? - I thought you were in the hospital.
- Aye, well, I was.
For all you two care.
All day I sat without a visit.
So much for your friends looking out for ye.
Sorry about that.
Been a wee bit wrapped up, you know, in my family coming.
That's how we never managed to come up.
Sorry, Winston.
- Look, it's all right.
- Where are your family anyhow? My family They had to cancel, aye, because there was a scare on the trains.
Aye, it's rotten luck, really.
Isn't it, Victor? - Aye, it's rotten luck, Jack.
- Aye.
- Somebody fancy an Angel Delight? - Aye.
Aye.
See, he made six of them for the family coming up.
Angel Delight, isnae it lovely? - VICTOR: There are only four here.
- It was her idea.
Give that to Jack, Winston, now, will you? - There you go.
- Thank you.
Weclome.
And you, ya bastard, I've been meaning to take you up about that.
That bloody doormat.
I've took no end of pelters for that.
I know, I know.
I've had a lot of complaints about them.
It's nae worries, though.
Problem solved.
- Is that Shug? - Aye.
What, wee lugs? - Shuggy! - What're you doing, what're you doing? He'll only come over and bore the tits off us about Tobruk.
Aye, right enough, aye.
Prick.
What do you suppose is in the bag? He aye buys that shitey bread, you know.
Snappy Shopper.
22 pence a loaf.
That's because he's a miserable old bastard.
Sunblest, the best you get! Get it up youse!