Stone Quackers (2015) s01e02 Episode Script

1 So we got John Douglas down on the beach right now with our hurricane report.
Hey, John, how's it coming along? Yeah, massive, destructive hurricane coming soon.
Not really sure when, but but it'll be here.
That's some good weather reporting right there, John.
We do advise you to take shelter and stock up on water.
We don't know when this will hit but it's coming and it's coming Oh my god.
Oh my god.
Hey, Barf, dude.
Listen, man, I just got a totally salacious pic, and I need you to drive me over to Celeste's house - like right now, dude.
- Let me see, let me see, let me Dude, I will totally drive you over there.
And you know what? We just might stop and get a candy bar.
Wait, no.
No, we're not.
We're just gonna drive completely right over there.
Dude, I got you.
Let's go.
Go go go go go! Come on, man! We don't got much time! We're coming for ya, Celeste! Oh my gosh.
Barf, man, are you okay? Yeah.
Yeah, dude.
I'm fine.
Are you okay? I yeah, I I can't believe we're alive.
Dude, dude, dude, it's okay.
- Just just chill.
- Should we call 911? No no no no no no no no no.
- You're okay, right? - Yeah.
Yeah yeah, I'm fine.
Hey.
Whoa, Barf, man.
What are you doing? - Hey, Whit, have you figured it out? - Figured what out? This was never about Celeste.
What? What are you doing, man? - This was about - No.
- the candy bar.
- Nooo! We're [bleep.]
in' dead, dude! Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! We're [bleep.]
in' dead, dude! Phew.
Whit, look, didn't even have my seatbelt on.
Whoops! B.
R.
B.
- Oh, wait, d-do you want anything? - No.
All right, so they only had milk chocolate, not dark chocolate.
What I think I'm gonna kill you! Come here, tiger.
Come here.
We have to get you away from the hurricane, tiger.
No, stop it.
Come on.
You need to go into my boat.
I'm gonna save you.
Okay, how's everybody doing? You get enough juice boxes, you two? - Yes.
- Yes.
- All right.
- Hey, Whit.
- Yeah? - Thanks for caring for us.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hey, Clay, what you up to, man? - Hey, look what I found.
I found this old photo album.
Look at this.
Oh, I used to be so small.
Oh, we must be in the sixth grade in this one.
- We look totally bad ass.
- Remember when we used to curl our hair and wax our eyebrows? We looked like a bunch of goofballs.
- What the heck were we thinking? - Um, what now? Curled our hair? I never did that.
Uh, dude, yeah, you did.
Your mom curled your hair and waxed your eyebrows every day before school, just like me.
- Come on, pal.
- No, man, I didn't do that.
I just you know, my hair naturally flips or whatever.
- Wait, did you do that? - Oh, okay, gotta go! I think I left something in my room! Dude, no, Clay, you can't go up there, man! Whit, stay here.
You hurt his feelings, okay? I'll go get him.
And you know what? On the way, maybe I'll get a candy bar.
No no no, I'm not gonna do that.
I'm just gonna go right up there.
Maybe I'll get a candy bar, though.
Barf! Let's just leave him alone for a sec, okay? There's only one thing more dangerous than a hurricane Clay's emotions.
Hey, giraffe, you watch tiger.
I'm gonna go charge my phone.
It's just gonna be a couple of minutes.
"Cheeseburger island.
Great place for a vacation" trademark even in a hurricane, and it's my job to keep it that way.
Hey, guys, can we knock off the looting? Well, you can keep that stuff, but just don't take any more, all right? Thanks a bunch.
Is that wrong for a police officer to do? Sure it is, but I'm a different kind of duder.
You see, most cops, they fight the war of crime on the street and then they go home to the peace that is their family.
Not me, though.
I find peace upholding the law.
But when I go home, that's when my war begins.
Family! It's me, dad! It's your father and your husband! - Is everyone here safe? - Hi, dad.
Welcome to hell.
I don't respect you as a man.
Well, if it isn't my husband.
I cheat on you every day with your partner, Sergeant Barkly! Hey, dad, want some crack? Come on now! You're gonna burn your hand! How'd you get my gun? Oh! Can I run away? Yes.
But cowards run away.
- Gah! See ya! - Oh! Hurricane's my dad now! Whee! Wah! Well, jeepers.
This must be the eye of the hurricane I've heard so much about.
Maybe here I can briefly glimpse the peace that I so desperately desire.
I wonder how Dottie's doing.
She might be in her pajamas.
Pajamas.
Barry, can you come back inside? You go to hell! I'm sorry.
I'll be right in.
- I think I poisoned one of the kids.
- You did what?! Sorry, Mr.
Skump.
If I try to save you, you'll probably spray me and all my friends with smell juice.
But here's some food.
Please stay dry.
Clay? Come on, dude.
It's not safe up here, man.
I never waxed my eyebrows or curled my hair in high school.
I wouldn't do that.
I'm cool.
That would be so stupid if I did that.
If I did that, I would hate myself.
I would kill myself and I would commit suicide.
- Clay? - Yeah, pal? What are What are you saying in there? - I can't hear what you're saying, man.
- Oh, you can't hear me? No.
Are you talking to me or Oh, I guess I was talking to myself.
- Oh, it's a private thing.
- Yeah, I was thinking about, you know, if I really did curl my hair in high school I would end myself right now.
I would make a noose, wrap it around my head - and jump off a building.
- Wait, hold Clay? - Yeah? - Are you talking to me or is it - Oh, was I doing it again? - Yeah.
That's so weird.
I was thinking about what if I did wax my eyebrows.
- You know what I would do? - What would you do? Grab my own nose, just yank my arm - and snap my neck.
- Wait, what? Clay, if you don't unlock this door, I'm gonna bust it down.
- What do you want? - Clay, dude, craziest thing, man.
I just remembered I waxed my eyebrows and curled my hair, too.
You got nothing to be embarrassed about, man.
Ew.
Dude, I was kidding! Oh my god, did you really do that?! - Oh, that's so stupid of you to do.
- Wait wait wait.
Really? Really?! Really, Clay?! I just said that to make you feel better, and now you're gonna throw it back in my face?! That's right.
Clay wins again! Hey, did you hear, everyone? Clay Tatum has no problems! Sorry, Whit, you're the one that has all the problems.
Sorry, Whit, you suck.
Ooh! Fight fight fight! Barf! You stay out of this, man, 'cause I seem to remember you wore a dress in high school.
- Oh-ho-ho! - "A," those were my baggy shorts.
Why were they baggy? To put guns in them.
And "B," if I had them on right now, I'd take the gun out, merk you.
Boom! Guys, guys! Stop fighting.
Come quick! It's all over.
Whoa.
The whole town is destroyed.
- I'm glad that we're all okay.
- Let's never fight again.
Hey, is that that weird neighborhood kid, Bug? Hey, Bug! What you got there? - Animals.
- Really? - That looks kinda dangerous, Bug.
- No, it's okay.
They're all my friends.
I taught them a song.
- Wanna hear it? - Okay.
And a-one, and a-two and a We wish you