Strangers with Candy (1999) s01e02 Episode Script

1
I understand these are broken.
Yeah, that's what I heard.
I can wait.
Just be a minute.
So is that your boy out
there on the playground?
Shamus?
Yeah, he's a real scrapper.
Sure does miss his mom.
What Uhh?
We lost her to, umm
Let's just say she went quickly.
Sorry.
How 'bout you?
Is that your boy taking over
the monkey bars out there?
That's Toby.
Certainly is a handful
for a single parent.
I'm sorry, is there
no Mrs Ummm
Jellineck. Geoffrey Jellineck.
I'm the new art teacher.
Oh, of course you are.
Hi, I'm Chuck Noblet: Social
Studies, Creative Writing,
school newspaper,
assistant to the principal.
What don't you do?
Get my lesson plans in on time.
I hear ya.
Hey, I'm hogging
this thing, get in here.
So ummm
Oh, I'm sorry.
Is there no
Mrs. Jellineck?
No.
Divorce?
She was Uhh
She was murdered.
Sometimes that can
be just as painful.
Hi, I'm Jerri Blank.
I'm a 46-year-old
high school freshman.
32 years ago I ran away
and became entangled in the
slithering underbelly of America.
I had a lot of fun,
did a little time,
but now I'm back in high school,
living at home,
picking up my life
exactly where I left off.
- JELLINECK: Oh yeah
- NOBLET: Ohhh yeah
Any questions?
Okay, today we're gonna be
talking about reproduction
And its consequences.
In order for you
to learn what it's like
to take care of a
ten-pound "baby,"
each of you will
be taking care of
A ten-pound baby.
First up, Jerri Blank.
But I've had plenty of babies!
Just none I've carried
to full term.
Come get the baby, Jerri.
I don't understand
the point of this.
The point, Jerri, is for you
to learn a valuable lesson.
Which is?
If I told you the lesson,
you wouldn't be learning it,
I'd be teaching it.
Alright, moving right along
P-O-V-E-R-T-Y.
Poverty.
[BELL RINGS]
Jerri, where's it
going to sleep?
Sleep?
Yeah, what are you
going to feed it?
Feed it?
How much is it worth?
70 Gs on the black market.
Twice that if the eyes
stay blue!
So look who's a single mother!
I think it's wonderful
that Coach Wolf
is giving away
infants to you people.
Rub some vitamin E
into its skull,
helps close the fontanel.
That's good to know.
You can learn more
at the library.
I'll go there now.
MALE [ON RECORDING]:
So you have a new baby.
[BING]
And you're a single mother
because, for whatever reason,
your partner has left you.
[BING]
Maybe you chased him off
with your shifting moods.
[BING]
Maybe he found someone younger
who did not have a baby.
[BING]
Maybe you just wouldn't
shut up about the baby,
"baby this, baby that."
[BING]
Well, the fact is, he's gone,
and I for one, don't blame him.
Good luck.
That was informative!
Hey, Mother, guess what
happened in school today.
Jerri, Jerri, can't you
see that I'm on hold.
I bet you'll never guess what
they gave me in health class.
Yes yes!
Everything is working out
just fine with Kim Luc.
Yes, nothing enhances
your life more
than having a
Cambodian war refugee
stay with you in your basement.
Never mind.
Yes, we're going to be having
a benefit on what is it
Ahhh, hello, baby!
Hey, troll, I heard the news!
How are you gonna breastfeed it
with those yams of yours?
You know, Derrick
Yesterday I would've
found that very amusing,
but now that I'm a mother,
I'm a different person.
It softens you.
So take a hike, dick-lick.
You're lucky
this doorknob's here.
I'll be lurking.
There you go.
Huh you like that, huh?
Nice and shiny.
I can't give this to you,
it's too big.
What?
Someone's been drinking!
Boyyy I'm gonna
call you "Dizzy."
I've got so much
to teach you, Dizzy.
And apparently you've
got a lot to teach me.
Just wonder what
the lesson could be?
Go to sleep.
[DIZZY CRYING]
Oh, I haven't had a night like
that since last night.
Uhh!
What's that smell?
Oh, you got a load
for Mommy, huh?
No you're clean.
Oh my dear Lord
Uhhhh
Jerri, please keep it down,
Kim Luc's trying to scream.
Come on darling, who's to blame?
Was it Mommy?
Pry out of that womb, honey
Morning, plug.
Jerk off.
Bye, Daddy.
Mr. Jellineck,
I can't form the pot!
Ee-easy there.
Okay, look
Grasp the pot like you would
a mischievous child's neck.
Dig your thumbs in there
like you're gouging out
the eyes of an enemy.
Yes, that's good!
I'm gonna go run
and get some cereal,
you almost got a bowl there.
Sorry I'm late.
That's okay, Jerri, have a seat.
Doesn't matter when
you get here, just what time.
OK, everybody, we're gonna
take a look at those
homework assignments.
Uh-huh, let's get em' out.
Yeah, very nice
Uh-huh
That's good
I like where you're going.
Anne, very nice.
Frank, what is that, a bunny?
I like it.
Tammi, Uhh, that needs a head.
Jerri, do you have
your homework assignment?
What is it?
Clearly, it's a monkey's paw.
Well, Uhh, I-I
an ashtray?
Uhh a sleeping pill.
Oh, I can't do this,
I'm so tired.
I'm so tired,
Mr. Jellineck.
Look, I'm a single mother.
Jerri, that's no excuse.
Spiro here had a
swimming practice,
and look what he was
able to accomplish.
Look, Jerri, in life we
all have our "babies,"
but you need to
learn to prioritize.
I mean look at me, I have a son.
He's not always
first on the list.
Often he doesn't
even make the list.
What's that smell?
Oh, Uhh,
oh Dizzy!
OK, everybody let's,
Uhh crack a window.
Go play.
Jerri!
Hey, Jerri.
We're heading over to "El
Carne Loco," you wanna come?
Hey, that sounds great!
Then we go to Tweetzie Railroad
and throw some rocks
at the Indian!
Oh oh listen,
why don't you go ahead
I should spend some
quality time with Dizzy.
Yeah, that's what I should do.
I'll catch up with
you guys later.
I sure would like to
throw some rocks at the Indian.
Oh well, I got a baby now
I got a baby.
It doesn't matter, 'cause
we're a happy little family now.
We're gonna spend all
our time together,
just you and
Oh hell, I can't do this.
Listen, Dizzy
I'm going to leave you
right here, alright?
One of these people
are bound to pick you up.
I mean, you and I both know this
isn't working out, right?
We're not clicking.
I don't want to
change your diaper
any more than
you want to change mine.
Dizzy!
Everything's going to be fine!
I'm doing this for
the both of us
Well, one of us.
But I'm doing it twice as hard.
Jesus!
[LAUGHING]
[HORN HONKING]
Oh
Mother?
Could I ask you a question?
Oh, can you
make it quick, Jerri?
I have a Cambodian war criminal
waiting for me in the basement.
Well, uh, Mother, uhm, well
What's it like raising
Derrick and me?
Being a mother
Is the best thing you can
do to a child, Jerri.
I have been so lucky
to have Derrick.
He's been a perfect angel.
As for what it
was like raising you,
well, I've got no idea, darling.
I do know that when
you ran away,
it killed your real mother.
Does that answer your question?
No.
Well, I think you'd
better get some sleep now.
You have a lot of
sleeping to do,
and I've got to get
back downstairs to Kim Luc.
I'm trying memory
regression on him,
and I have him stuffed
into a bamboo cage.
Sleep tight, sweet and
you've got a little hole in your
P.A. SYSTEM: Jerri Blank, please
report to Principal Blackman's office.
Jerri, I believe you have
some explaining to do.
Diz! Ha, haa!
Remember that time you
ran away from me last night?
Where, uh, where'd you find it?
We can thank my lucky charms
this baby has been
delivered unto us.
If Mr. Jellineck
and Mr. Noblet
had not been in the park
last night at 3:00 a.m.
They never would have stumbled
across this tiny tyke
behind a cluster of
boxwoods sleeping like a log.
Well, what's your excuse, Blank?
I have no excuses,
but there is something
I'd like to say.
If learning is wrong
What were Jellineck and Noblet
doing in the park at 3:00 a.m.?
Hmmm that's
a good question.
Noblet?
[BELL RINGS]
Well, I guess we'll never know.
Look, Jerri, you should know
you're in some very hot water.
Deep, too.
Why? It's still alive
and has a full head of hair!
Jerri, that's not the point.
Is this because
I circumcised it?
The point, Jerri, is that you
were supposed to keep the baby
until you learned
a valuable lesson.
Have you learned it?
Yes, I have
What is it?
Clearly, she hasn't.
Jerri
We're giving you the baby back.
God damn it!
May a nest of Puerto Ricans
take your mother
Jerri, please!
I can't do this, please!
Coach Wolf, can't
we team Jerri up
with someone else
on this project?
But the whole point of it
was her to learn this
lesson on her own.
Exactly.
And the only way she's gonna
learn this lesson on her own
is with someone else.
I suppose we could hook her up
with Tammi Littlenut.
She was on deck
to get the baby next.
There you go, Blank.
Yeah, Tammi Littlenut!
We'd be just like
a little family.
Jerri
Hey, I am so excited
about this project.
Ha, yeah, me too.
Boy, Tammi, you're gonna
make a great mommy.
You certainly got
the hips for it.
So what are we
supposed to do first?
Well, I thought we'd
go get some popcorn shrimp,
then, uh, maybe, uh,
go pick ya out a new top,
and then go to the rock quarry
and go skinny dipping, hmm?
Watch out for those
snapping turtles!
Do you really think
bringing a baby
to the rock quarry
is a good idea?
Oh, right, the baby
Well, look, why don't you just
hang on to it for a while.
Aren't we both supposed to
take care of the baby?
That's a job for the mommy.
Aren't we both the mommy?
Listen to yourself, Tammi,
two mommies?
Now, look, why don't
you take Zy,
and uh
Go a little lighter
on the lipstick.
It looks a little trampy.
Oh, that's a good one.
Oh listen, take a hike, bubbles.
Here comes my old lady.
All right?
I'll check you later.
Hi, Jerri.
Hey there, copperhead
Aw, what'd you bring
the baby for, huh?
What do you mean?
I thought you and I
were having lunch.
What am I supposed
to do with the baby?
Well, I was hoping on
some uh, some "Jerri time."
You know what I'm saying?
Not really.
Listen, Jerri, can you
take Diz for me?
I've got Gym next period.
Look
Simian and I are hanging
out next period, okay?
We're gonna play
some liar's poker.
But I thought we were supposed
to share the responsibility
I don't want to fight
about this, alright?
Subject closed.
I'm gonna go get
some milk for the baby.
What and I don't
get thirsty, huh?
Where were you?
What?
I'll repeat the question
What took you so long?
Uh, uh, I was getting
Don't lie to me, Tammi.
I saw you right over there
talking to Jimmy Goosey.
I just said hi.
Oh really?
Is that how they say "hi"
in Whore-Ville?
Jerri, I don't wanna have lunch.
I'm just gonna take Diz
and go for a walk.
You're taking my child nowhere!
Clean it up.
What?
I said, clean it up!
You are frightening the baby!
Oh, for crying out loud,
would you shut that thing up!
I'm sorry
Hmm, so sorry, huhh
Look at my little lamb.
What'cha so
frightened about, huh?
I'd never hit you.
I'd never hit'cha.
Huh?
I just got this temper, you see.
I just get so frustrated
when you don't listen.
Huh?
Ya understand?
I need you to say
that you understand.
I understand.
Alright.
Just leave the baby with Daddy
and go get yourself
fixed up, alright.
Come on.
Women!
What are ya looking at!
So how's the project
going with Tammi?
Nah, she's a weird wolf.
She's not talking to me.
But I have a feeling
She's gonna be
coming around real soon.
Jerri, what's going on?
I got your call,
what's wrong with Dizzy?
Oh, he's fine.
Why don't you come on in
and I'll explain
the whole thing.
Come on.
I ordered the Vice channel
pretty good movies.
They cut out
before "the money shot"
but you could still see
plenty of, uh, "the pink."
What is this about, Jerri?!
Where's Dizzy?!
I want to apologize
for what went down today
in the cafeteria.
You can really,
really push my buttons,
but I'm not mad at you.
I figured we're not the problem.
See, we work.
Dizzy's the problem.
If we could just get
past that baby,
we could get back to
what's good about us.
I got you something
try it on.
Where is Dizzy, Jerri?
Calm down
Dizzy is with Kim Luc right now.
They're meeting with
a very wealthy family.
Now, you and I
can focus
On what makes you and me click.
Toast?
You're crazy!
Pee on me.
That's Principal Blackman
and Coach Wolf.
I called them
before I came over here,
and I told them something
weird was going on here.
Huh, well I hate to
burst your bubble there, Tam,
but that's not Blackman.
That's a chink with some
spic food I ordered
hoping you and I would
have something to celebrate.
But I guess that's not
in the cards, is it?
Look, when Blackman gets here,
I'll tell him the whole truth.
I'm so sorry, Tammala, alright?
Now just stay here, chill out,
and I'll go get rid of
the delivery guy, alright?
Heh, hehhh.
I am so glad you're here!
Tammi's in there and she came up
with some crazy plot with
Kim Luc!
Yes, we apprehended him
at the Tasty Shake.
I was buying myself a foot-long.
Did he, uh
Did he say anything?
Oh yes, plenty.
But all in that
unintelligible jabber of his.
Anyway, Kim Luc and Tammi
tried selling Dizzy to the uh
To the black market.
I'm so glad you caught him,
'cause Tammi's in there now,
and I think she's high.
She expects me to
run off with her.
I'm so glad you're here,
Principal Blackman.
What's all the commotion
out here?
Noblet, Jellineck,
I'm glad you got my message.
Message?
Principal Blackman,
thank the Lord you're here.
Jerri cooked up some crazy
plot with Kim Luc
to sell Dizzy to
the black market!
I'm sorry, Tammi, that story
sounds pretty flimsy
the second time around.
Noblet, Jellineck,
cart them away.
And the baby
goes back to Mother.
I'm thrilled.
Uh, I'll sure
miss Tammi, though.
It was a lot easier
being a single mother
when I was the father.
What's that, Jerri?
I was just saying that it's
easier being a single mother
when I was neither single
nor the mother.
That's the lesson, Jerri,
congratulations!
Nobody's ever learned
the lesson by day three.
You must be exceptionally
unfit for motherhood.
I'd like to think so.
Well, let's take this baby back
and pass him on
to some other students
who I hope are as equally unfit.
Daddy!
Go on home, Jerri Blank,
you've had a long day.
One thing strikes me as odd
Why would Tammi call us,
in effect, alerting us
to her evil deed?
To taunt you with her crime?
Works for me, good night.
Ahhh, I miss Florida.
Well, things are pretty much
back to normal around here.
Kim Luc is serving
5 to 10 for racketeering.
And as for Dizzy, well,
he's still getting passed
from student to student.
And each day he gets
older and older.
And I'm haunted
by one sad fact
His black-market value is
dropping like a stone.
And as for that little red-headed
spitfire Tammi Littlenut,
well, let's just say
The carpet matches the drapes.
Mmm!