Stuck in the Middle (2016) s01e02 Episode Script

1 Too big? Play it cool, Harley.
Terrible! Come on, face, stop letting me down.
Today's my birthday.
Mom always takes a picture the minute you walk downstairs, then puts it on our family birthday calendar.
My past few years' have been a freak show.
I can work with that.
Show time.
In case you haven't figured it out, birthdays are kind of a big deal in my family.
Ooh.
The pancake assembly line.
Must be for my big day.
The birthday kid always gets the biggest pancake.
There it is.
That one's mine.
Last one down gets the fiber cereal.
Hope you don't have plans for the next two hours.
And here.
Spoons are dirty.
What?! I can't believe it.
They forgot my birthday.
I mean, when you're the middle kid, being overlooked is part of the deal.
But my birthday? This is a new low.
All right, everybody shush.
I have a special announcement to make.
Today's a very important day.
I'm dying my hair.
That's your special announcement? Special for me.
A grown woman should not be coloring her grays with a magic marker.
Not gonna lie.
I feel bad.
And so will Mom and Dad when I tell them they forgot.
They're gonna feel guilty.
Really guilty.
(all chattering) HARLEY: Hang on.
I could use that guilt for something really good.
For something money can't buy.
- But guilt can.
- Thirty-eight, 39, 40.
Don't move.
He is about to set a record.
I could get the best seat in the car.
The sweet seat.
Thanks.
I thought these jeans were working for me, too.
Enjoy it now, Rachel, 'cause that seat's going to be mine.
Sometimes it feels like things are outta control Like you're living in a circus Try to figure out your way in the world Where you're at is kinda perfect So turn it up, turn it up Do your thing, don't stop Let the games begin, let's jump right in I wanna get stuck with you In the middle of the party We're just getting started I wanna get stuck with you In the eye of the tornado, rowin' in the same boat I wanna get stuck with you Get stuck in the middle with you I wanna get stuck with you (all chattering) If no one remembers my birthday, I can basically ask for anything I want.
So why would I spend all my guilt points for a better seat in the car? Let me school you on life in a big family.
The best seat goes to the oldest kid, which means I'm three kids away from getting it.
Instead of a thousand more years stuck in the combat seat, I could leap frog to the spot where you can feel the air vent, look out the window without a foot in your face.
Don't ask why I'm wearing a tiara.
I just am.
I wanna sit like that.
I wanna look like that.
I need those guilt points, and the only way to get them is if no one remembers my birthday.
One giant reminder I need to hide.
The birthday box.
Ah! I feel like today is something.
You ever have the feeling like you've forgotten something, and it's right on the tip of your brain? Whenever I get that feeling, I forget about it and move on to something else.
I just feel like it's right under my nose.
It's actually right under her butt.
All our family birthday traditions.
With seven kids in the family, the things in that box got a ton of play.
Happy first birthday, Rachel.
We love you.
Oh, you are an angel from heaven.
Happy birthday, Georgie Porgie.
Tom, bring Rachel over.
She's biting my finger, she's biting my finger! (kids crying) Do we have a boy crown? SUZY: Just put it on him.
I'm changing two diapers here! Here you go, Ethan.
HARLEY: Fast forward to my cake last year.
Yuck.
A janky crown, a lumpy candle, and a plate that sounds like a dolphin crying.
It's not pretty, but that's my family's birthday tradition.
And right now, it's standing between me and the sweet seat.
I thought it might be Static Electricity Day, but it's not.
I wish someone told my hair.
Maybe it's Take A Hike Day.
You should get on that.
I hope it's not Thank The Mailman Day.
I'd hate to not have bought Ernie a gift.
I'd mail him something, but that seems rude.
Hey, Harley.
Hey, guys.
What's going on? We've got an offer for you.
I'll do the talking.
You just stand there and think about cotton candy.
I wanna do the talking.
All right.
Go ahead.
Cotton candy.
Oh, why'd you have to say cotton candy? All right, you talk.
It's about your latest invention.
The skate kite.
As you know, all vehicles must be tested before they hit the market.
We'd like to help with that.
Think of us as your personal crash test dummies.
I don't need crash test dummies.
Then think of us as two kids who really wanna ride your skate kite.
Scram, monkeys! DAPHNE: Happy birthday, Harley! How did you remember my birthday? I didn't.
I remember when we're getting cake.
Sh! I don't want anyone to know it's my birthday.
I see.
Join me in my bedroom.
Since when is this your bedroom? Since I told Mom I don't do trundle beds.
Look, I wanna keep this birthday thing between you and me.
No problem.
Hit me with a Jackson.
- A what? - 20 bucks.
Abuela always sends us a 20 on our birthday.
Cough it up.
Can you not shake me down just this once? Keeping my secret could be your birthday gift to me.
It's Harley's birthday! I never get you a gift.
Today's your birthday?! I'm not paying.
You already blabbed.
Georgie! Never mind.
I can't believe I forgot your birthday.
Everyone did.
It's a good thing.
It is? Then you're gonna love the present I didn't get you.
Here's the thing.
I need to get through the whole day without Mom and Dad remembering.
I don't blame you.
I got lice from that birthday crown last year.
Not great having a birthday right after Lewie and Beast.
Look, if Mom and Dad forget, they will feel so guilty, I can ask for Rachel's seat in the car.
The sweet seat.
Genius use of guilt points.
So no one can find out it's my birthday.
Come on, Harls.
As soon as people have a second to stop and think, someone will remember.
That's why I'm going to make sure no one has a second to stop and think.
Now, Mom's the big threat.
But, happy birthday to me, she's dying her hair.
We all know how this goes.
First, she'll do it wrong.
(crying) Then she'll cry for a while.
Then she'll eat a bag of chips.
Then she'll cry some more because she ate a bag of chips.
Then she'll go to the store and get another box of dye.
And chips.
And then she'll try it all again.
We're talking at least midnight until the shame spiral ends.
Shame spiral.
Cool.
Now I know what to call it.
Also, good name for a band.
Mom's covered, Dad's at work.
Now we just have to keep everyone else busy.
Well, it wasn't Thank The Mailman Day, but Ernie did appreciate the English toffee.
Also, it is not English Toffee Day.
Also, his name is Rick.
You can stop trying to figure it out, because I looked it up.
It's National High Five Day.
That was last week.
Right.
Um, of course, um I meant International High Five Day.
Opening ceremonies were great.
Everybody was like, whoa, whoa.
Really? Cool.
Konichiwa.
HARLEY: Georgie's busy.
Now to distract the boys.
Skate kite! I feel bad I blew you off earlier.
You're just the dummies I need to test this.
You won't be disappointed.
Cotton candy.
Dang.
It's all I can think about.
(crashing sounds) My turn! I like that sweater, Harley.
You're not getting my sweater.
I already gave you money to keep my birthday a secret.
Aloha.
You know what today is? International High Five Day.
Is it? What are you doing today? Besides judging your T-shirt? Going over to Cuff's.
You should have him come here.
I'm not worried about Rachel remembering my birthday.
She's all about Rachel.
She'll self-distract.
But having Cuff here will keep Dad nice and busy when he gets home from work.
Cuff here? Crazy bad call.
You know Dad can't stand him.
Okay, but going over to his place? Not exactly the power move.
Don't you have something lame to build? I'm just sayin'.
Jay Z always went over to Beyoncé's house.
That's a well-known fact.
Pretty sure I got in her head.
The plan is working perfectly.
Everyone's busy.
Butt, get ready for the sweet seat.
You're good.
I'm in awe.
And a little bit scared.
- No! - (Suzy screams) Are you hiding again? Of course I am.
When you've got seven kids, if they see you, they're gonna ask you for something.
Like right there.
You just asked me a question.
I thought you were dying your hair.
And another.
Well, I can see this isn't gonna happen.
So I finished my hair, and it went great.
Turns out you shouldn't just throw away the directions.
If you were good at reading directions, I wouldn't have broken my tooth on your quiche.
Anyway, I have some unexpected down time, which is good because I've had this feeling all day like I'm forgetting something.
Maybe it's a cleaning thing.
The upstairs bathroom should definitely be on some list.
No, I already bumped that to next week.
Didn't you bump that last week? See, this is why I was under the desk.
Let me check my day planner.
Harley! That was an accident.
I had a muscle spasm.
Oh, there it goes again.
You should probably take me to see someone about that.
I'm guessing I'm punished.
I set out to get the sweet seat.
This is not it.
Mom's no dummy.
She knew if she pushed this off long enough, one of us would get punished and end up doing it.
I'm down 20 bucks, a sweater, and I had to do this.
If I don't get the sweet seat, this will be the worst birthday ever.
Now I need a haz-mat suit.
I'm going shopping at the mall.
You should, too.
At least Daphne has a cute sweater on.
I thought Cuff was coming here.
Nah, he got a new ATV he's riding around.
Fun! He should totally come over and give you a ride.
Hello? Helmet hair.
No thanks.
Okay, but everyone knows the first girl to ride on the back of a guy's bike becomes his lady.
How do you think Beyoncé got Jay Z to put a ring on it? Yeah.
I'm not taking advice from a person dressed like a trash can.
This is bad.
I need Cuff here to keep Dad busy.
I want ice cream from a truck.
Enough, thug life.
I'm your older sister You got ten minutes or I'll start talking.
She's mellowing.
I remember when she'd only give you five minutes.
(sighs) My plan to keep everyone busy is unraveling.
I can't take Daphne for ice cream, and leave Mom home alone with all that free time.
There's a place that has ice cream and keeps Mom busy trying to wrangle her kids.
The park.
Of course.
Why didn't I think of that? Well, you're under a lot of pressure avoiding your special day.
(kids screaming) Harley, why would you buy them that? It makes them crazy.
I said no more ice cream.
Oh, I thought you said more ice cream.
Just trying to help Get back here, kids.
myself.
It's beautiful when a plan comes together.
I was video chatting my friend in Germany, and she told me it is not International High Five Day.
I'm the laughingstock of Dusseldorf.
But I know today is something special.
(gasps) It's not my anniversary, is it? It's, um National Sandwich Day.
And all you can do is bologna and cheese? This started out as bologna and graham crackers, until I found the bread.
That's what today is.
(gasps) - Hey! - Should get some milk with that.
Harley doesn't want anyone to know it's her birthday.
Okay.
Wait, why? I'll explain it later.
We have to grab that calendar before Dad sees it.
I'll distract him.
Hey, Dad, I wanna play you something.
It's for my new band, Shame Spiral.
Ooh, you got it, girl Like a bologna sandwich You got me in a haze like - Expired mayonnaise - Take it, Georgie.
Mustard, ketchup.
Condiments in general.
Returning it to Ethan.
Um We are Shame Spiral.
Wow, uh at least the band name's appropriate.
Sh! I don't want your sister to find out.
So you know? Of course.
Can't leave cake around Daphne.
Daphne? It was Tony's birthday at work.
I thought Daphne would sniff this out, but I got smart.
I put coffee grounds around it, put her off the scent.
Mm-mm.
Okay, well, that bite is mostly grounds.
(kids screaming) I don't think I've ever been so tired.
You look tired.
Well, in a few hours, when we go home, you should probably go right to bed.
Happy birthday to you Happy birthday, dear Missy Hang on.
What day is it? Rachel? Whoo hoo! Faster, Cuff.
Gun it! Rachel! Get off that death machine! Rachel! Rachel! Mom and Dad are going to be so mad at her for this, they'll probably forget my next birthday.
I know you see me! I know you see me! Hello! You are so dead if you get hurt.
- Whoo hoo! - Put your arms down.
Thanks for helping Ethan keep my secret.
Sure.
But I don't get why you'd want everyone to forget your special day.
That's because you haven't had a six-hour car ride with Beast using your head as bongo drums.
No, I mean, you're going to miss your birthday, and the box.
That's our family tradition.
None of us have ever missed out on it.
But a birthday's just a day.
The sweet seat's forever.
But celebrating together as a family won't be.
Soon, Rachel will be out of the house, me and Ethan right after.
You just turned 13; you're not that far behind.
But I support whatever you want.
On behalf of the whole family, happy birthday.
Guilt.
It could work for you, or it could work against you.
Darn you, Georgie.
I hate that I love that birthday box.
But I do.
Bring it on.
Hey, everyone, it's my ALL: birthday to you Did you know that you were born on - National Sandwich Day? - What? Honey, I'm so sorry we almost forgot your birthday.
What can we do to make it up? - Better seat in the car? - No problem.
In four years.
As a middle kid, I'm overlooked all the time.
I guess it just felt wrong missing the one day where I'm not supposed to be.
Okay, Harley gets the first piece.
Okay, Harley, smile.
Oh, well.
There's always next year.
Lighting up this world with a little smile She's on the rise And there she goes, and she won't slow down No, nothing's gonna stop her now Flying higher, burning brighter Keep on shining like a shooting star Yeah, yeah, yeah There you go, supernova Glowing brighter and closer Never know where it's gonna land Oh, oh, oh Dancin' over the rooftops (horn honking)