Sunnyside (2015) s01e02 Episode Script

1 (Bell ringing) (Sirens wailing) Looks like this isn't your lucky day.
Drop it, scumbag.
(Groaning) Tommy? Donna? Geez, it's been what, two years? Freeze, dirtbag, you're under arrest.
Oh, keep your panties facing forward, it's Tommy.
You remember me telling you about Tommy? Tommy, your ex part This is Tommy? Guilty.
Well, guilty of being Tommy, right? So, is this your new line of work? Uh, couldn't hack those cop hours, so Here I can make my own sched plus get to spend a little more time with my sweet little girl.
Is that Tina? She's gorgeous.
Look how big she's gotten.
TOMMY: Yeah, she's big.
What? What are you doing? He's a bank robber, we're supposed to be arresting him.
It's Tommy, he's an ex-cop, he's one of ours.
We'll just let him off with half the cash.
Half the cash? We're supposed to be upholding the law! We're supposed to be upholding the law.
Hey, sorry to interrupt, but, uh, Tina's got this recorder recital I don't want to miss, so Yeah, yeah, yeah, you'll make it.
We're letting you off.
Yeah, you've just got to give us back the money.
What's going on, Donna? You let goody two shoes here call the shots? This is what you call a partner these days? Yeah, this is what I call a partner.
You know what? I let justice slide for too long when I was with you, Tommy, now get out of here before I change my mind.
Well, I guess we're really not partners anymore.
Or Facebook friends.
Thanks for standing up for me.
Mm, don't ever embarrass me like that in front of my friends again.
And good job.
Oh hey, we'd better call this in, he shot a bunch of people.
Alright, I need an ambulance, and I'd like a coffee double double.
Susan's pregnant.
Susan now? It seems like everyone's getting knocked up.
I guess we're next.
(Awkward chuckling) Yeah right, me pregnant.
Look.
(Laughing) You're simply glowing.
Oh, my back is killing me.
The baby won't stop kicking.
I mean dribbling.
Hold that pose.
(Laughing) Any day now.
You didn't.
What? You didn't post that, did you? Oh, just on Facebook But.
And Twitter.
You don't.
And Instagram.
Do you think people are going to get the joke? Graham, trust me, there will be no repercussions to this whatsoever.
(Chiming) (Laughing) Ow.
I'm glad our first date is just a nice casual coffee.
Agreed.
You meet so many weirdoes online nowadays.
Yeah.
So, you live three doors down from here? Yes.
Wait how could you possibly know that though? A Sunnysider like me, what a savings.
A savings? I won't have to move as far when we finally shack up.
(Laughing) (Laughing) Oh.
Oh gotcha.
No, we'll move into my place, it's a lot bigger.
I mean, I think it is.
It's not as though I've been inside of your apartment to stroke your face while you sleep.
(Laughing) I hope you heart cats.
I I'm allergic.
Oh, it's okay, they won't mind.
Though my favourite colour is pink.
I have a 12" appendix scar, but my body is pretty fly besides that.
I live off of gummi bears.
And, um (Sucking teeth) What's your social insurance number? My what? We're gonna have to get you a hearing aid, Stinky! (Laughing) How we tease each other.
(Chiming) Oh.
Who's Nina and why does she text you so much? Am I gonna have to shank this ho? Nina's my sister.
Oh, you expect me to believe that? I thought we agreed to always tell each other the truth.
I never agreed to anything.
(Sobbing) I'm pregnant.
I'm out.
Oh fine, you're gonna pay for this, I know where you live, Mr.
1224 Sunnyside Avenue.
(Sobbing) You finished with that? So sweet of you Alfred.
Tell me, what is your exact address? So, we're only allowed one question each, right? HOLE: That's right, next! What? HOLE: Sorry, only one question each.
Next! Can I ask anything? HOLE: Anything at all, next! Oh! Is it my turn now? HOLE: Yes.
Next! Wait, you were talking to him, right? HOLE: Nope, I was talking to you.
Next! Okay, ready? HOLE: Yes, next! What a pack of idiots, right? HOLE: Right, next! How am I supposed to put aside savings when a bachelor apartment's 1000 a month? HOLE: 1269 Sunnyside Ave is looking for a roommate.
Thanks! So, welcome to our humble abode.
(Chuckling) Humble.
(Awkward laughing) I'm going to be honest, we don't want to share this gem.
But necessity dictates, and by necessity we mean money.
But whoever we choose must truly appreciate this place.
So, Vera, tell us in your own words, how much do you love it? Uh a lot.
I mean, the space, the layout, it's great.
Great? Well, you probably don't realize I'm a poet, but great is what we poets call a weak word.
And the nuance of language is central to my very Oh, essence? Not what I was going to say.
Well, I I I really love it.
We've put a lot of work into it.
That chair you're sitting on.
We put two months into that.
This couch.
We put three months into that.
That vase.
We put five months into that vase, that is a lot of work for a vase.
Well, it's a great vase? Vase.
It's a good vase.
That coffee table.
We put two weeks into that.
I like it.
You like it? I love it! You love it? I love it! BOTH: Hate it.
Ugh.
I hate it too.
Get out.
Leave.
BOTH: Leave.
Okay, alright.
WOMAN: Go.
Walk your legs.
So judgmental.
BOTH: Yes, we are.
(Chuckling) Flowers or scented candles? Either one sounds nice to me, honey bunny, you decide.
But it's your wedding, I want you to decide.
Okay, the second one.
Scented candles? Really? (Gagging) I decide to decide whatever you want to decide.
I will be right back.
You didn't say I love you.
Mm love you.
Like you mean it.
Mmm.
Lub.
You.
See you in a sec.
Hi, I need a new reality now.
Okay, sir, what kind of reality are we looking at today? 10 years ago I had to pick between two twin sisters, Penny and Dahlia, I picked Dahlia.
Oh, Dahlia.
Anyway, I want Penny.
Wouldn't it just be cheaper to split up? No, I hate conflict.
I'd kill to avoid conflict.
Okay, hand on the globe.
(Zapping) Nothing happened, did it? Did it? Did it? Did I? Hey.
Oh Tyson.
Oh, muah.
I thought I'd lost you to that horrible store.
Penny, it's you, it's really you! Today's the day.
I put rose petals on the bed, there's champagne, it's now or never.
Now! Now, now, now, now, now! Oh, and here I thought you were starting to waiver.
This will be so romantic.
It will, it will.
Best suicide pact ever.
Best what the? Come on! Hey, stop thief! Stop, stop him! He took my purse! (Thudding) (Grunting) (Triumphant music playing) Potato salad? How did I get so lucky? No, how did I get so lucky? No, how did I get so lucky? (Snorting) Oh, for the love of freaking ponies! (Sighing) 27 re-tweets and 89 likes, people are really into this pregnancy.
Maybe it's time to tell everyone it's a joke though.
Oh yeah.
My dad's sending us an Abigail Vista stroller.
Julie says that they are the best.
What are we going to do with a stroller? Look, I googled sonograms.
It's a boy.
You'd almost miss it.
Just like his daddy.
(Awkward laughing) (Women screaming) Who's getting married? We are party girls Move your body, girls (Cheering) STEPHANIE: Can I say a speech for a second? I just want to say how much I love you girls.
And how happy and thankful I am for this bachelorette party.
And the memories that I have with you girls are the best memories I have.
Well And even years from now, like 10 minutes from now, that is gonna be an awesome memory if you choose to remember it.
And I will! I will! How long has this bachelorette been? We've been walking and drinking for, like, days.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
When was her wedding? Oh no, it was two days ago.
She's gonna lose her mind.
That's exactly why we cannot stop partying ever.
Just remember to remember your memories because that, my friends, is the spice of life.
(Cheering) Yeah, bitches! (Sobbing) We are party girls Taxi! I can't, I can't, no, I can't.
A text? I'll send.
Dig you get that? Yeah, alright.
Friggin' ponies! (Chiming) My pregnancy blog got 10,000 hits today, everyone is pinterested and my due date is just a week away.
You know, you've been spending so much time on this we haven't had time for each other.
Graham, no, you'll poke the baby.
It's a basketball, Carla, this is a basketball.
Don't you dare call Benjamin that.
Benjamin? Maybe it's time we put an end to this.
What? I can't do that, I'm Catholic! You'd better learn to Photoshop because this is happening whether you like it or not.
(Crunching) (Bell ringing) (Shimmering) (Bell ringing) Yo shorty, what are we even doing here? Yo, you know what we should do? We should go get a pint at the Islington.
Or for you, like a half pint, huh? (Laughing) But this place is boring.
What is all this stuff? My friend is such an ass.
God, he's been teasing me since high school.
I'm sick of him calling me shorty, short stuff, weenie weasel, crotch goblin, Professor Dinky.
Okay, how much taller do you want to be? I don't care, as long as I'm taller than him.
50 bucks.
Hand on the globe.
(Zapping) (Gasping) Nothing happened.
Come on, Professor Dinky, it's time for my beer.
Oh crap.
This place is so boring.
No refunds.
Make sure you get the baby bump in.
You keep saying that.
'Cause nobody cares if I'm just painting a wall.
(Shutter clicking) Is it straight? GRAHAM: No.
How 'bout this? (Shutter clicking) GRAHAM: I'm in real tight.
Maybe you might want to lean in a bit closer and grab a cameraman smooch.
(Shutter clicking) (Laughing) Ah, that's my eyes.
You look stupid.
GRAHAM: Yeah.
(Shutter clicking) You know the rental on that hospital bed was killer.
It's okay, my dad sent more money.
Yeah, I think I have to go back to work tomorrow.
What? What about your paternity leave? Well, technically I'm not eligible because realistically that's a doll.
(Scoffing) I have got to get Benjamin on some kind of a feeding schedule.
I've been taking selfies of my breast feeding at all hours of the night.
You have got to step up, you haven't been to any of the doctor's appointments.
Neither have you.
Listen, Carla, is this whole thing just a big excuse to avoid having sex with me? (Scoffing) No.
Good.
Oh, Graham, the doctor said 6 weeks at least, at least.
GARTH: Hey, look what I got.
17 bucks, can you believe it? You spent money on this, Garth? Don't you know that Sunnyside ponies are a terrible investment? Oh.
Sunnyside is lousy with feral ponies, they're worth less than nothing.
I had no idea.
Here, let me show you.
Ponies! Ponies! Ponies! So, there's no plan in place for dealing with the ponies? Oh, there's a plan alright.
Ponies! Mm, so good.
Ladies.
We are prepared to meet any demands as long as you end this bachelorette party and come back to the station.
Let's all get married! We should all get married today.
DONNA: Ladies! Where's the hot cop? Yeah, one with a big nightstick.
(Laughing) Tell her to drink a crantini.
Crantini! Crantini! We have lots of hot cops back at the station.
No.
We wanna go to the sexy police station! (Cheering) It is a sexy police station.
No, it isn't.
I'm getting married! Rick.
I'm sorry to do this to you, but you're the hottest guy on the force.
That's good.
Okay, crantinis.
(Cheering) Protect your face.
Their acrylic tips are like switchblades.
RICK: Who called 9-1-1? 'Cause I'm here to rescue you fine ladies.
(Cheering) Come to mama.
(Growling) You're under arrest.
You're under arrest.
You have the right to give me a kiss.
Warren: Stephanie.
Warren? Everyone was there, Steph.
Everyone but you.
My bachelorette party.
You remembered to wear the sash, but you forgot to be the bride.
What? Did you girls know about this? (Muffled complaining) How could you? Oh Warren, I've been out of my mind on crantinis.
Please forgive me.
I want to marry you.
I want to marry you right now.
Wait.
I can marry you.
I'm also a Unitarian minister.
It's days like today make me proud to be a cop.
Hey look, it's one of those horse masks.
Oh neat, check it out, check it out.
Look at me, I'm a pony.
I'm a pony! I'm a pony! I'm a dirty little pony.
(Laughing) Oh no, no, no, no.
Hey man, I'm just a guy in a mask.
I'm not really a pony.
Nice try, pony, I've heard that trick before.
(Zapping) (Screaming) Wow.
Sarah, tell the guy I'm a human.
(Zapping) (Screaming) Sarah, tell him I'm human! Tell him I'm a person! I don't know anymore, Garth, I'm I'm not sure.
Sarah, you will see me again! (Zapping) (Screaming) I'm not sure.
GARTH: Please, I have a man's body, please! You were right, Garth, I will see you again.
Mm, Garth you are good, damn.
Oh, thank God you're open.
What's the big panic? Five years ago I got this kitten and I named her Muffin, but then after I named her I realized she's really more of a cupcake.
Why don't you just start calling her cupcake? (Meowing) Okay, two bucks.
Thank you.
Hand on the globe.
(Zapping) Cupcake? Whoa.
Maybe I was right to call you Muffin after all.
Ugh.
Where did I park? Oh man.
What a mess.