SurrealEstate (2021) s01e02 Episode Script

1
Previously on SurrealEstate
- I'm Luke Roman.
- Are you a priest?
I'm the Real Estate guy.
I'm about one thing:
protecting the God-given
market-driven value of your property
from anything in this world
Or the next.
You're talking about haunted houses?
Everybody, this is
Susan Ireland, our new agent.
Zooey, our office manager.
Father Phil. He does our research.
August designs some of
our proprietary technology.
What exactly do we do?
The client is Donovan. Megan.
You know the drill. Complete
psychokinetic triage,
malevolent entity evaluation.
You're the ghost guy.
Ah!
The technical term is telekinesis.
This happened to you,
when you were my age?
Your house? I've been
watching it for a while.
Before your grandfather
bought the place,
she came next door to
complain about the weeds.
Nobody ever saw that lady again.
Your mother?
I believe it's going
to be very interesting
working for you.
I believe that you're right.
Come on.
Dad!
Come on! Dad!
Calm down.
Oh, god, no!
His pants were ripped
and everybody could see his underwear.
And he didn't know.
I wonder how long he had
to walk around like that
with everybody looking at his underwear?
Jamie?
Who are you talking to?
Just Rory.
Well, tell Rory it's bedtime, okay?
Goodnight.
Goodnight.
I don't like him.
He's my dad.
It's been so long
since I've had somebody to play with.
Now he wants to take you away.
We have to move.
My mom has a new job.
Please don't go.
Please.
Or Rory and I will eat you up.
Morning!
If our coffee was any worse,
we'd qualify as a Superfund site.
Oh, excuse me.
Right.
You know, it's amazing
how the introduction
of just one foreign body
can disrupt one's Feng Shui.
Mm. Ugh!
Well, now that Rita's
not breathing down our necks
I'd like to step back
and give you the kind of orientation
that any new associate deserves.
Orientation?
I'm not going to presume to teach you
anything about real estate, but, uh,
our way of doing things
might be different
from what you're
- I do things a certain way.
- It's just
My process has been
honed to a razor sharpness
by years of experience and results.
I respect your honing,
but there are things that
you'll come up against here
that may be new.
I'm not scared.
The Quincys.
Tom and Patty, son Jamie.
Three-bedroom, two
bath, 2,600 square feet.
Nice place.
Very nice.
Nice neighborhood, nice price.
But they had two buyers
walk out of their contracts
after inspections and one prospect
he literally ran from the house
in the middle of a showing.
She's very pretty.
Who?
Seems nice, too.
You're referring to the homeowner?
Megan Donovan. You're kind of into her.
I was evaluating the curb appeal.
She's in a relationship.
And she's a client.
Oh. Well. Sorry.
Capulets, Montagues.
Forbidden.
I like to keep my life
in neat, little piles.
Work - personal.
I'll have to try that sometime.
So, all these years living here?
Nothing.
We put it up for sale
and everyone starts hearing
things and seeing things
Yeah, well, everybody but us.
The inspector said he
heard a child crying
as if her heart would break.
You have a little boy, don't you?
Jamie was in school.
And when the prospect
walked out in the middle?
Ran. That lady ran out of here.
The agent said she saw
some sort of apparition
floating in the hall.
Well, she's crazy.
Aren't you guys supposed to
screen out the crazy people?
Well, sadly, the mortgage
prequalification process
only goes so far.
As she left, she gave us your name.
Look, I want to make something clear:
we don't believe in ghosts,
or spooks, or evil spirits
or any of that crap, okay?
Look, we don't believe in anything.
We're Presbyterian.
Patty starts the new job in two weeks.
Spent a fortune on the
new place out there.
This double mortgage is eating us alive.
So, can you help us or not?
Yes. Yes, we can.
We'll prepare a
personalized marketing plan
targeting the demographic
and income levels
predisposed to this neighborhood,
configuration and amenity set
and use a proprietary algorithm
to identify and exploit channels
to reach them at their
most sensitive touchpoints.
Uh, the master suite's down the hall.
It's got a really nice sitting area.
Hm.
I blame those inspectors.
Know what? They're just
looking for something.
Oh, is this a whirlpool?
And real estate agents?
Don't get me started.
I won't.
Mom, I can't find my red jacket.
Honey, we're a little busy right now.
Put Josh back in the cage,
make sure it's latched, okay?
This must be Jamie.
Hi.
An oasis of luxurious living!
It's impossible to overstate the appeal
of those kinds of intimate spaces.
What did they want?
They're here to sell the house.
But I don't want you to go.
I know, but I My family
I'm your family!
And if you move, I'll be all alone.
Again.
I'll be so sad.
I'll do
something to myself.
I'll climb out that
window and up onto the roof
and I'll jump! I'll die!
My bones will break
and blood will come out
of my eyes and it'll be all your fault!
Hey, everybody! New client.
Hey! You're back!
You sound surprised.
Our track record
with new employee
retention has been, um
lacklustre.
Okay, so, 12 Marion Drive.
Haverford neighborhood.
Sweet.
I need you to do a history on
the house and underlying dirt.
Homeowners say that they
never had an encounter,
but I picked up something
from the boy. He had a secret.
What? You thinking a Harvey?
I don't know. Maybe a Lassie.
The aural emanations
might tell us something
about trajectory and intent.
Just add it into the
standard PKT protocol.
Anything else?
Um, just a couple of things.
Father Phil, I have
opened a Dropbox folder
on the Quincy account.
If you could send me all your research,
I'll add it in so we have
a comprehensive database.
See, ah,
it's just that I like
to keep my own files.
Sure, but if we have everyone's data
in a centralized location,
it's easy for everyone to access. Okay?
Probably not going to do that.
August, I assume you'll physically go
to the Quincy house to do
these initial tests of yours?
The beginning is the most
important part of the work. Plato.
Ah, I have a plumber going
to the house tomorrow.
So, maybe we could coordinate our ETAs
to make sure we're not, like,
descending on the Quincys
all at once?
I dislike plumbers.
My ETA is liquid.
See, the plumber is really important
and you can do your
thing anytime, right?
So, maybe we both submit
our avails to Zooey
and she could work up a spreadsheet?
Oh, maybe I could send you
one of the templates I created?
Yeah. And then maybe
I could print it out
and you could roll it up
and shove it up your
Maybe this meeting is finished.
Lots to do, everybody!
So, a couple more things.
Yep.
What's a Harvey?
It's shorthand for imaginary friend.
It was this movie with Jimmy Stewart
Ah. I am aware of the rabbit movie.
So, a Lassie is?
A helpful spirit that
latches onto a living being,
usually a child.
So, why not just say that?
Why'd you say ETA instead
of estimated time of arrival?
And so a PKT is?
Psycho-Kinetic Triage.
It's an initial evaluation
that gives us our, uh,
baseline snapshot into a
property's level of engagement.
It's all so new.
So odd.
Relax.
It's like learning French.
First, you immerse yourself
in it, then you listen,
and study and, before you know it,
you're speaking it all on your own,
murdering the verbs and
giving the locals a good laugh.
Think the locals hate me already.
Nobody hates you.
We need you.
You might wanna mention that to them.
All right.
But please ask August to call me ASAP.
Yes, I'm here staging the house now.
This little boy's room is a war zone.
Yes, Zooey, I believe a disorderly room
is indicative of a disorderly life.
My potty training was and
remains none of your business.
Just have August call me. Thank you.
You have your wheel.
I have mine.
Help me!
What?
Who-who are?
Betsy! My doll.
I can't go home without Betsy!
Where is she?
Up there. I can't reach her.
Yes? What? Who is it?
Not the plumber.
If it meets with your
exacting scheduled parameters,
I'll be arriving at the
Quincy house shortly.
August, I saw her!
A-a little girl.
If one works at
Yellowstone National Park
one should not be
surprised to encounter a bear
every once in a while.
Have you told Luke?
It just happened!
Tell him. I'll be there shortly.
Susan! What's up?
I'm in the little boy's room.
I-I-I just saw her. A-a-a little girl.
She was wearing a red dress
She was here and then she wasn't.
Okay, you need to download Father Phil.
I need to run a quick errand and
then I'll be back at the office.
And then we
We find her unfinished business
and-and finish it, right?
Yeah.
But first we need to be sure
exactly what we're dealing with.
You okay?
Sure.
Yes. I got this.
Selfies? Really?
Oh, hi! I didn't see you.
Yeah. Obviously.
I really wasn't taking
selfies with your house.
That would be creepy.
No, it's just sometimes
these properties can
act a little differently
when your back is turned.
How does a house act differently?
Oh, I've had exterior
colours change, windows shift.
I had one once I turned my back
and the central chimney
extended by six feet.
Like it was giving me the finger.
I don't know when to believe you.
I know we faced down evil together
and tossed it a pork chop,
but I still have these
moments when I think maybe
you should be detained and studied.
Ah, you'd have to buy me dinner first.
So, uh, that's why you came by?
Just wanted to let you
know that we are on the job.
Phil is tracking down
the original paperwork
on the house and August is doing what
August does.
I just want to
Excuse me.
Brock, put on pants!
Kids walk to school past here.
Oh, my god.
So, we check the title
history for surprises.
- We update the website and brochure.
- Mm-hm.
We revitalize the floors and
we fluff up the throw pillows.
Then we pop a couple amyl
nitrates under our nostrils
and we sell this thing!
I am not going to miss this place.
Me neither.
Not the place, no.
Talked to Susan,
but I can't find any evidence
of a post-animative tether
connecting the house to any little girl.
It's a pretty bold move for a Harvey.
That's what I thought.
Did she freak?
Susan?
Mm.
No, actually.
Ah!
Ah!
Oh! August! Oh, my God!
Are you, uh, all right?
Did you see it?
It was It was this
huge black bird and
It attacked me and then-and
then it was gone! It was
I mean, it was a crow or something.
Sounds like a raven.
A raven? Are you certain?
Never more.
No, pigtails.
Braided.
And her eyes were blue.
Oh, she was such a pretty little girl.
And so sad.
A little girl did this to you?
No. It was a crow!
- No, actua
- Or a raven!
Whatever it was, it was huge!
Like the size of a condor,
or a Jonas brother.
So what about the dress?
Red.
Gingham print
Old-school.
That's it. That's her.
You weren't near a Wendy's, were you?
Hey!
Say hello to our little friend.
What were you doing in the attic?
The little girl said she
left her doll up there.
Wait and you believed her?
She's dead, right? Why would she lie?
Could you give us a second?
So, I have a couple who
wants to see the Quincy house.
I know it's still a
little, like, problematic,
but these buyers are motivated,
and I think it's best if we
Not yet.
I understand the spooky
little girl of it all,
but these people are
pre-qualled and motivated.
They are jacked to transact
and I think it's best if we
I want you to look at something
that happened eight months ago.
but by the time
fire crews arrived, the home
was burning out of control.
All four occupants of the
home are believed dead:
Mr. and Mrs. Henry
Travis, daughter, Alexis,
and son, Martin.
Investigators suspect a
gas leak, and the family
Family
A very nice family.
They'd experienced a
few minor phenomena,
a few moans and rattles,
moving furniture
Certainly nothing dangerous.
Or so we thought.
But we failed them.
I failed them.
I believed the thing that told me
that it just wanted to see
how a real family worked
and then move along.
But the investigators found
the parts of the bodies
of that nice family of four
in eleven smoking pieces,
and what I'm getting at here, Susan,
is those things, they can hurt you!
They are dangerous.
And until you learn a
little more about them,
you might want to think
about doing things our way.
No!
Jamie! Honey! Don't move!
Cindy! Please, don't
Tom! Help!
She's going to jump.
Cindy! Cindy, don't!
Hang on, buddy! Just
away from the edge, buddy.
I can't! She's going to jump!
Bye, Jamie.
He kept saying that
"she" was going to jump.
But he won't tell us who "she" is.
Susan's going to have our contractor guy
come and fix that attic window.
Yeah, well, tell him to bolt it shut.
You bet.
Maybe, until we figure this out,
you folks should get a hotel
What? So Jamie can
follow his imaginary friend
onto an even higher roof?
Or maybe into the pool?
I have a better idea:
how about you people do your jobs?
Is it okay if I?
You gave your parents a scare.
Do you want to tell me
about the little girl?
What's her name, Mary, I think?
Cindy.
Cindy, yeah.
My friend, Ms. Ireland, she saw Cindy.
Scared her to death.
But you're not scared, right?
Not supposed to
I'm sorry, I couldn't
I'm not supposed to talk about her.
She-she says if I tell people about her,
we can't be friends anymore.
And if we're not friends
What happens if you can't be friends?
She says she'll hurt somebody.
Well, that's not very nice.
Cindy says she's the only family I need.
That we can play together forever.
Kind of sounds like you
wish that Cindy would just
leave you alone.
Jamie, you have to promise
me you won't do anything
Cindy tells you to do that's dangerous.
Like yesterday on the roof.
Okay?
You say no.
'Cause we have to help Cindy
go where she's supposed to go.
Just you and me.
It's just
I don't have many friends.
I didn't either when I was your age.
You know what?
I still don't have that many friends.
But the ones I do?
The ones I do have are
really, really good.
And that's the way it's
going to be with you.
I can tell.
Come on.
Ms. Ireland, she brought cookies
and they're shaped like
little mortgage lenders.
You're gonna love 'em.
Wow.
Lucky somebody wasn't hurt.
You have no idea.
I gotta go.
Anthony, bolt this up tight
after you get it fixed.
Kid-proof. You got it.
Send us the bill.
Hey, family discount!
Remember
no showings until we
get this figured out.
No showings. Check!
That tune.
It's from The Mikado.
The lady knows her
Gilbert from her Sullivan.
We did Pirates of
Penzance in high school.
I was Mabel.
I totally believe you as Mabel!
I was in a community theater
production of The Mikado.
Just the chorus one
of the Gentlemen of Japan.
No small parts.
Oh, god! The Mikado.
The music, the pageantry,
the casual racism!
Oh.
This is Susan Ireland.
Yes.
I am telling you, Mike, this
house is perfect for you!
I just can't show it right now.
I hope you ca
Cash?
No, I get it, Mike, I do, but, uh
Well, it's not a matter of
compensation, but I think
Eight a.m.
But do not tell anyone.
This is our secret, okay?
I'm sorry!
Please, no!
You talked to the man about me.
I didn't tell him anything!
I should punish you.
But I love you, Jamie.
I would never hurt you.
But I have to hurt somebody.
Otherwise, you won't learn.
Cindy, don't.
Please, please no!
Stop!
Please, Cindy, no, not my parents!
No.
Josh.
Josh, no!
See?
We learned something today.
When I saw this master
suite for the first time,
I made a noise which I have not
been able to duplicate since.
It is nothing less than an urban oasis,
a sanctuary in which
Did you hear that?
What?
Sounds like somebody crying.
There is a sitting room adjacent to the
actual sleeping area for
reading or quiet reflection.
What the hell was that?
Noisy pipes?
Can we have a word?
The Quincys need to sell this place.
The pressure's on.
I told you no showings
for a good reason.
She's just a little girl!
It is a mask!
A disguise for something so powerful
that it could kill you.
Now, where are Tom and Patty?
Running errands.
Luke, I need the autonomy
to sell my listings my way.
Susan, you are the best agent
that I ever saw.
But on issues like this,
you need to check in with me
on everything.
You need to trust me
or go work somewhere else
Somewhere where the barriers to a sale,
they don't come with
so many sharp teeth.
Come on, Cindy.
No games.
What did I just say?
You're different from the others.
You are exactly what I expected.
I'm so lonely.
I don't understand where everybody went.
My mommy, my daddy?
They went up to the
light and I couldn't
Bullshit.
You are something old and ugly.
You're mean.
You have no idea.
You like games?
Well, the game is on.
- Luke? I
- Get out, I'm working!
I don't know, Mom.
I just have this feeling
I've stepped in a huge vocational turd.
Oh, it has to be better
than working for that
Ugh Livingston person.
I was too needy.
I pushed him back into
the arms of his wife.
Well, you should have pushed
him into a woodchipper.
I thought I landed
this really sweet gig.
Doing what I love in
a fresh new paradigm.
A clean start.
Okay, so what happened?
The boss, the guy who hired me, Luke?
I thought he was this really great guy.
He's a little weird, but
it's been a sliding scale lately.
He just really disappointed me today.
And none of the others like me.
Well, it's your first
week. Give 'em time.
They laugh at me!
They use obscure words
that I-I don't understand.
It's
It's just not at all what I had hoped.
You don't think you're being
just a little tough on them?
Mom.
Well, you know you tend to
be impatient with people,
expecting them to fall in
line right away and come around
to your perfect way of doing things.
My way is not always perfect,
but it's so much better
than everybody else's!
I said that out loud, didn't I?
So, what, I'm just supposed
to lower my standards?
Oh, this isn't about
lowering your standards, love,
It's about opening your heart.
Let them see who you really are.
I bet they'll like her.
Working late, I see.
Is that the Quincy place?
Yes.
Nothing much happening now
but let me, uh, play you back an event
the sensors picked up this morning.
That's about the time I was there.
It appeared to be a light
to moderate engagement
right up to here.
Then it became something
completely different.
A huge power drain when it changed.
We have a, uh
doughboy, perhaps?
No, this is nastier than a doughboy.
More powerful. An LRG?
God help us.
How long to whip up
a 30 angstrom M.E.D.
In a portable yet stylish container?
Not long.
But it would only work against the beast
in its true form.
During one of those spikes.
Luke?
You must be careful.
If this is
what I think it is,
it is old,
it is cunning.
It also has an ego and
is easily distracted.
Use that.
But remember
it only exists to
inflict pain and sorrow.
And it sees you coming.
You got it right.
Zooey, what we need
is a way to coordinate
our subcontractor visits.
I don't care if it's a-a
database, a spreadsheet,
whatever.
You design something, I will use it
and I will make sure
everyone else does, too.
Fair enough?
I have thoughts.
Uh, Susan?
Thank you for the quad long
shot medium-in-a-large-double cup
half-caff salted caramel
mocha latte with two pumps
of vanilla and extra foam.
You're welcome.
Black coffee. No room for cream.
Yeah. Thanks.
Perfect!
These are from the deep
dive we're doing on Quincy.
I'll-I'll get them
to you as soon as I
Your files, your rules.
Send me whatever, whenever.
It's a deal.
Do you know him? The repair guy.
We met.
Hey, Mabel!
I am the very model of a
modern building contractor ♪
I do this for a living now
because I'm such a bad actor ♪
Oh, come on!
That nearly rhymed,
Mister Office Decorum.
I just love him.
Yeah, I married him.
Now, if only we can get him
over his painful shyness.
Hm.
Susan, you got a minute?
Yep.
I need you to come with
me to the Quincy house.
Okay.
Look, I am sorry about yesterday.
We are dealing with things that, well
you just don't understand them.
Hell, I don't understand them!
But I know them.
So, how about sharing what you
know and being open and honest
instead of expecting me to check
with you every time I need to
wipe my
luxurious granite countertops?
Point taken. Come on.
In the spirit of
candor and transparency,
I should let you know that the
Quincys fired us last night.
- Oh.
- I did tell you
this would happen.
Can I ask why we're going back there?
A little boy is in danger.
You mean a little girl, right?
There is an entity we call an LRG.
Which stands for?
Little Red's Granny.
It's a particularly nasty
demon that assumes a friendly,
nonthreatening form in
order to seduce its victim.
And consume him.
Eat his life.
God.
Well, what can we do?
August built a device
that could destroy it
on the atomic level,
but I need to trigger it
when the LRG is stressed,
angry and distracted and
assumes its true form.
I'll have maybe a second.
So what am I supposed to do?
The tough job.
You need to talk to the parents.
Absolutely not!
What part of "you're fired"
do you people not get?
Yeah. I can't waste any more time.
Well, where do you think you're going?
That's it I'm calling the cops!
Please! Let me explain.
What's he doing up there? Jamie!
Listen!
I know you think my boss
is an incredible flake.
I agree!
He's a flake and-and nothing he says is,
on the surface, credible.
We agree! Common ground!
And I know you don't
believe in these things
and, you know what? I don't
believe in them either.
We are wearing the same jersey!
But you need to understand:
Luke gets results.
And I don't just mean he sells houses
Sure, he does, but he does it
by fixing the stuff that's wrong.
And in your case, that means
getting rid of the thing
that lured your little boy up on a roof.
Luke is a good guy.
Give him a chance.
Cindy?
I'm back!
I brought a real game.
You wanna play?
This is all so strange.
What does the horsey do?
You can drop the little-girl routine.
We know it's a lie.
Jamie knows, don't you, Jamie?
Don't you see what he's trying to do?
He's trying to break up our friendship!
Our family!
Knock it off!
It's your move.
I don't like this game.
No, you'd rather play kids' games.
Games you can win.
That's really pathetic.
You're too stupid
and you're not capable
of playing with adults.
You'd be surprised what I'm capable of.
Then go ahead.
It's your move.
Wrong, stupid.
The rook can only move this way
and this way.
Huh. Geez.
You're like an insult to
nine-year-old girls everywhere.
You know, you almost had me for a while.
First, you know, I thought
you were this little lost girl
with zero fashion sense who
was searching for the light.
And then I thought you
were this badass demon
that was out to kick ass and eat lives.
I hardly would have worked up a sweat
had I actually known I was up against
Casper's not-very-bright niece
whose only superpower
was emotional instability and Candyland.
Mine!
So, that time is booked
but I might be able to
sneak you in at three.
I'm expecting two competing
offers above asking,
so tell your buyer
to bring her checkbook
and practice her kickboxing.
We may have to settle
this in The Octagon.
Okay, bye.
Quincy place?
It's what I do.
You really saved this, Susan.
You pulled it out of the fire.
The Quincys are still
clients, Jamie is safe
and I'm not in jail.
And that is all because of you.
Thank you.
You played a minor, yet
integral role yourself.
I'm just happy to help the ballclub.
I didn't even mind when
you called me a flake.
I believe the term you employed
was, "an incredible flake."
You mad?
Got into this business for
one thing: to sell houses.
Most of our clients are skeptics;
they don't believe in the very
thing they hired us to manage.
Now, the best that we can
do The best you could do
Is make sure that they believe in us.
You got plans tonight?
Dinner with my mom. You?
Nothing special.
You want to come?
She'd love to meet you!
We're going to make cookies
shaped like little stacks
of closing documents.
Thanks, but, um,
keep your family time. It's important.
I never realized how
important until my dad died.
Now I know.
One Mississippi,
two Mississippi,
three Mississ sippi.
So, I believe the subject
was angels.
Never trusted them.
Well, you don't trust anybody.
That's a two.
What were we talking about?
Angels.
Angels! Right!
So
I could never trust a team
that had in their Hall of Fame
a guy named Vladimir.
I mean, you kids who never
lived through the Cold War,
you don't know what it was like.
Going through your day,
knowing you could be just
minutes away from a
Russian nuclear attack.
Vladimir Guerrero was
Dominican, not Russian.
That sounds like something
a Russian spy would say.
You know, that, uh
that girl you had out here
the other day was pretty.
At the batting cages?
You saw Susan.
Yeah, I-I'm a fool for redheads.
Always was.
Susan is a co-worker and a colleague.
And a real estate Ninja warrior.
You two, uh, as they say, are sympatico?
No. And they don't say that anymore.
Well, it's a new world.
I'm glad I didn't live to see it.
You going to putt or what?
You know, you're a good boy, Luke.
Better than me in every way.
And that's the way it should be.
But you always did poorly with women.
I did poorly?
Do I need to remind you of your
own track record with women?
Why the second Sunday in May
will always tear my guts out?
Except when the Padres win.
Sometimes even then.
Good night, Dad.